- 3 months ago
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00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30It's odd.
00:35Geoffrey, people who resort to swearing only do so because they lack imagination.
00:40No, I said that's odd, Beryl.
00:43That is odd.
00:47Anyway, Dennis Law don't lack imagination. He's been known to swear on occasions.
00:51What's odd?
00:52Well, it says here you can't marry your brother's daughter's husband.
00:56My brother's daughter hasn't got a husband, thank you for pointing it out.
00:58Well, she could get married.
01:01She can't get married, Geoffrey, because my brother hasn't got a daughter.
01:04Well, he could have.
01:05Geoffrey, my brother couldn't have a daughter because I don't happen to have a brother.
01:10Ah. Good thinking.
01:18You didn't used to throw apple peel at me when I walked into the room, Beryl.
01:21You didn't used to be a Stretford Ender.
01:24I didn't used to throw it, Mother. I cast it upon the wind of fate.
01:27Hmm, it seems to have blown it onto the carpet.
01:31I hope you haven't cast the core anywhere yet.
01:34The peel should spell out the initial of my future husband.
01:38Who do we know whose name begins with a figure three?
01:41Well, obviously, obviously that's not a three, Mother.
01:44That's a B in anybody's peel.
01:46Oh.
01:47B for, um...
01:49Bobble's Bon Bon.
01:50Well, if it's good enough for fate, it's good enough for me.
01:55I'm just wondering if Apple is a reliable substitute for computer dating, Beryl.
02:00Hey, that's a fantastic idea, Mrs. Battersby.
02:03Beryl, why don't we ask a computer if we're mutually suited?
02:05Might come up with some amazing relevations.
02:08Revelations?
02:09Oh, no, I always get relevations wrong.
02:12Anyway, we don't need to ask a computer if we're mutually suited, Geoffrey.
02:15We wouldn't be getting married in April if we weren't mutually suited.
02:18Does that necessarily follow, Beryl?
02:19Yes.
02:20Married neath April's changing skies, a checkered path before your lies.
02:26There's no answer to that.
02:28She's full of these old wives' tales, and every single one makes you miserable.
02:32Anyway, April the 29th is nearer to May than April.
02:35Married in May when the honeybees flit, strangers around your table will sit.
02:45Beryl, why are you putting little pieces of paper in that bowl of water?
02:50Well, they've each got a letter on.
02:52You put them in face downwards, and by tomorrow some of them will have turned over.
02:56Ah.
02:57Sounds pretty exciting.
03:00The ones that turn over will spell out the name of my future husband.
03:04Beryl, that's even worse than apple peel.
03:06I don't believe in all these old superstitions, Geoffrey,
03:09even though there's a lot of truth in them.
03:10Like, cut an apple in half, and count the pips.
03:15If there's an even number, I'll be married soon,
03:17but if there's an odd number, I'll lose the man I love.
03:20One, two, three, four...
03:23There you are! I'll be married soon!
03:25It's true, isn't it? Next April.
03:26You see, all these old superstitions are really based upon scientific fact.
03:30Five. You're going to lose the man you love.
03:33Obviously, Geoffrey, I wish I wouldn't take things so seriously.
03:36Oh, that reminds me, Beryl.
03:39I was talking to Mrs. Garstang this afternoon,
03:42and she says that the new vicar at St. Stephen's
03:44has got some very strange ideas,
03:46and very hairy nostrils,
03:48which Mrs. Garstang finds very off-putting.
03:51How do you mean?
03:53Some people don't like men with hairy nostrils, Beryl.
03:56Not even vicars.
03:57A mentee's very strange ideas.
03:59Apparently, it doesn't like marrying people
04:01who are not regular churchgoers.
04:03Well, we'll be all right.
04:03Well, you don't go to St. Stephen's, Beryl?
04:06Or St. Anywhere, for that matter.
04:08I do.
04:08Since when?
04:09Since when I started going regularly from next Sunday with Geoffrey.
04:13Pardon?
04:14Geoffrey, we'll have to get him to read out the band sooner or later, won't we?
04:18Well, we, er...
04:19We don't have to get married in a church, Beryl.
04:22Oh, you're not thinking of getting married in an off-licence, Geoffrey.
04:27Pardon?
04:28A registry office.
04:30The licence to marry people.
04:31Well, Beryl's been working very hard on your wedding, Geoffrey.
04:35She's designed a medieval wedding dress in wild silk,
04:38dresses for the bridesmaids, uniforms for the pageboys,
04:42asked for estimates for four-tier wedding cakes,
04:45as well as worrying about what hymns you'll want for the service.
04:48I don't suppose you'll know what hymns you want, Geoffrey?
04:51Oh, God.
04:53Our help in ages past.
04:55That's been very nice.
04:57It's funny, isn't it?
05:09It's definitely funny.
05:14Isn't it?
05:15Yeah.
05:16What?
05:16What it was you said.
05:17I haven't said anything yet.
05:19You said it's definitely funny.
05:20I saw your lips move.
05:22Well, you don't know what it is that's funny, do you?
05:23Well, I've got strong doubts about you, for a start.
05:26A friend in need, Roland, is a friend indeed.
05:28I know, mate.
05:29They broke the mould when they made me.
05:32It's life that's funny, Roland.
05:34I agree.
05:34It's a gas.
05:35Big bundle of laughs.
05:37You know, when I was young, I couldn't wait to grow up.
05:39And you very nearly made it.
05:43When all the love bits came on in films,
05:45I used to think,
05:46be nice when I grow up,
05:47cos I like watching them.
05:49And now I am.
05:50I'm still not struck on them.
05:51Significant, that, isn't it, Roland?
05:54No.
05:55Anyway,
05:56all they do is give me an inferiority complex.
05:58Now I actually see who's getting my share.
06:02Everybody.
06:03Not only with Jane Fonda, not with Beryl.
06:05You're not bothered, are you, Roland?
06:06It's not your problem, is it?
06:08Then why shouldn't you be bothered?
06:09It's not me problem.
06:11Well, there's no reason for you to be bothered, is there?
06:13No.
06:15And what's one day as best man in Roland Lomax's lifetime,
06:18compared to the whole of my lifetime?
06:19You know what your trouble is, mate?
06:22You don't have to live one day at a time.
06:24Take each day as it comes, man.
06:26Days like April the 29th,
06:28they're very difficult to take as they come.
06:30I've had it.
06:32I mean, life as we have known it,
06:33will never be the same again.
06:35You could at least go around fighting.
06:38I can't, mate.
06:40I've got nothing going for me.
06:41I was born under the sign of Cancer the Crab.
06:44All weak and watery and lacking resolve.
06:48Saw you walking sideways.
06:50I thought you'd just got your shoes on the wrong feet.
06:55Generous, affectionate, easily led,
06:58always looking for the easy way out,
07:00and absolutely no willpower.
07:01You don't go in for all that gubbins, do you?
07:03Of course I don't.
07:06I just happen to be easily led,
07:08always look for the way out,
07:08and I've got no willpower.
07:11Emigrate.
07:11I can't.
07:14All my money's in a joint bank account with Beryl.
07:17£10 assisted passage to Australia.
07:20There's a 16-month waiting list.
07:21Oh, have you tried Australia House, then?
07:23Yeah.
07:23Have you tried suicide?
07:26You're not bothered, are you, Roland?
07:27I mean, it's not your problem.
07:29Why should you be bothered?
07:30We've been through all that.
07:31We're word perfect, Geoffrey.
07:35Hey.
07:36What?
07:38Newsletter from Ed Office.
07:39They still haven't been able to sell that 12 months in Fleetwood.
07:4312 months in where?
07:44Fleetwood.
07:46Fleetwood.
07:47Volunteer wanted for immediate appointment as temporary teller.
07:50Successful applicant to be seconded from own branch for 12 months.
07:54Fleetwood.
07:55With permanent promotion prospects.
08:00Fleetwood?
08:01Yeah.
08:01Do you think there's a chance I might get it?
08:07Well, fair.
08:08I mean, has it been advertised 26 times and nobody's even applied yet?
08:14You know, that's one town I've really always been crazy about.
08:19Where was it again?
08:20Fleetwood.
08:21Yeah.
08:22That's it.
08:22Good evening, Geoffrey.
08:27You're just in time for the unveiling.
08:29Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief.
08:32Abra-cadabra.
08:33One, two, three.
08:34Geoffrey Scrimgeour.
08:35Percy Filth.
08:39Thump.
08:41Thumpel-Gossle-Pod.
08:42Is that someone at work, Belle?
08:48No, it's a Cherokee Indian from you, Tree Crescent.
08:51There's that rather nice Ukrainian who raised his act to us and his hair fell in me shopping bag.
08:59Are you feeling all right, Geoffrey?
09:01You didn't say pardon.
09:03Pardon?
09:05You've got a face like a milkman's round.
09:08Pardon?
09:09Long love.
09:10Oh, um, I've just got something I'd like to discuss with Beryl, Mrs. Battersby.
09:17If only Mrs. Battersby had stopped wittering on and leave us alone.
09:20If only Mrs. Battersby had stopped wittering on and leave us alone.
09:22Right.
09:23Excuse me, Geoffrey.
09:27Something wrong?
09:29Wheels within wheels, Beryl.
09:34Have, er, have been turning behind our backs.
09:37Which wheels in particular?
09:41Well, they're behind closed doors, Beryl.
09:44Behind our backs?
09:46I knew you'd understand.
09:49I don't really understand fully, Geoffrey.
09:52Who am I?
09:54I sometimes ask.
09:57I sometimes ask that.
09:59Who am I?
10:01Geoffrey P. Scrimjaw.
10:02Your name's on your chequebook, if ever you forget.
10:05Geoffrey P. Scrimjaw.
10:06And a member of the banking profession.
10:08And all that that entails, Beryl.
10:10Working in a bank?
10:14It's, er, dog eat dog in banking, Beryl.
10:17Cat eat cat.
10:19Blue bottle eat blue bottle.
10:20You're trying to tell me something, aren't you?
10:21I've been promoted.
10:26Ah, you are clever, aren't you?
10:30Well, I wouldn't say that exactly, Beryl.
10:32Well, the bank wouldn't have promoted you if you weren't.
10:34They must have thought you were the best man for the job.
10:36Yeah, I suppose so.
10:38Tell her.
10:39She'll be in the kitchen.
10:40No, Beryl, I have been made teller at the bank.
10:48Oh.
10:48Or at another branch of the bank, of course.
10:52Mainly to avoid embarrassment when giving orders to junior employers such as Roland and others.
10:58Er, where is it, the other branch?
11:01Er, near the fish market.
11:07In Fleetwood.
11:10Pardon?
11:11Er, Fleetwood.
11:12It's, er, it's a very nice seaside town and fishing resort.
11:15It's, er, it's near Blackpool.
11:17Er, noted for fresh air and fun.
11:19Geoffrey, I know where Fleetwood is.
11:20It's a long way from Manchester.
11:22Oh, only in distance, Beryl.
11:24Geoffrey, we're getting married in April.
11:26Mr Molyneux, the friendly manager of your branch, must know we're getting married in April.
11:30Ah, well, er, Mr Molyneux has been, er, very busy lately, Beryl.
11:34He's been besieged by customers wanting to borrow money due to the present economic climate.
11:38I mean, obviously, in any other economic climate, I would have had no hesitation in informing...
11:44Well, Geoffrey, tomorrow, you'd certainly better inform him and head office.
11:48What, Beryl?
11:49Well, thank them for offering you the job and tell them that you're sorry you'll have to turn it down because you're getting married in April.
11:54Well, you don't think I would have accepted it, had there been a choice, do you, Beryl?
11:59When head office calls, ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and go to Fleetwood.
12:05I can't believe that head office would post you without so much as a buyer leave.
12:09Well, I could turn it down, Beryl, but, er, but it'd be a very long time before I was considered for promotion again.
12:15But I'll only be away for about, about a year.
12:20I mean, we could get married when we get back.
12:24We'll get married before you go.
12:27Ah, well, they want me to start a week on Monday.
12:31That's all right.
12:32We'll get special permission.
12:33We'll get married in an off-licence.
12:35Then we'd have to rent a flat, Beryl.
13:00We'd spend all our savings.
13:03I mean, I can rough it in digs for a year.
13:06I could get a hammock down the Seaman's Mission.
13:10They do hammock and breakfast on very reasonable terms.
13:14Geoff, we'd rather rough it in digs with you than live in luxury without you.
13:18Beryl, I'm not starting married life roughing it in digs.
13:21And then, then, then you'd never see me.
13:24I mean, they're very busy.
13:25All the year round is, er, holidaymakers and fishing fleets popping in and out.
13:30I'd come home every night smelling the kippers and candy floss.
13:33But what kind of married life is that, Beryl?
13:38Geoffrey, money might make wheels within wheels go round, but it's still love that makes the world go round.
13:43Did I ask someone to mention Fleetwood?
13:45Not for at least 14 minutes.
13:47It's congratulations.
13:48You should have been listening with your ear pressed against the door, haven't you?
13:50Yes, love.
13:51What do you listen with?
13:53Discretion.
13:54It's my door, Beryl, and it's also my ear.
13:58And if I wish to press my ear against my door indiscreetly, I shall do so.
14:04We accept your apology.
14:07Geoffrey and I will probably be getting married as soon as possible.
14:09Oh?
14:10And what will our relatives, friends and neighbours think of that?
14:13I don't know.
14:14Well, certainly by this weekend, Aunty Edna will have knitted two pairs of boutines in a hot blanket.
14:18Oh, you mean, if we get married quickly, people will think Beryl's up the, in the, in the, has a, has a bunt, um...
14:37In, in trouble.
14:41Thingy.
14:42You'd, you'd like to see, uh, you'd like to see Beryl get, get married in a church, wouldn't you, Mrs. Battersby?
14:50With bridesmaids, an old cloth of pretending he's not crying.
14:54And a four-tiered wedding cake and, and people getting drunk all over the place.
14:58And that's what weddings are all about, isn't it?
15:00I knew something would go wrong.
15:02Everything was too perfect.
15:04Oh, Fleetwood isn't exactly the end of the earth, love.
15:06You can always go and see him.
15:08On visiting days.
15:12Roland.
15:22What?
15:24I'm not very nice.
15:25You're not wrong.
15:27Well, you're not very nice either.
15:29Cheers.
15:30Rotten to the core, both of us.
15:32What's the matter?
15:35Fleetwood.
15:36You gone off the idea?
15:38I don't know.
15:40Well, they got you off the hook.
15:42It's either Fleetwood next week or marriage next April.
15:45And she believed everything I said.
15:50You know, it's like that.
15:51She believes everything I say.
15:53Girls do when they're in love.
15:55It'd be better if she didn't.
15:56Well, I'll tell you something, mate.
15:57You've gone up in my estimation.
15:59Well, I haven't in mine, mate.
16:00Well, I mean, look what you got going for you.
16:03Money in your pocket.
16:04World Cup coming up.
16:06Fleetwood in the holiday season.
16:08And birds coming in on every bus.
16:10Hey, I fancy that meself.
16:12Oh, Geoffrey.
16:15Geoffrey Bobble's bonbon.
16:18Oh, Beryl.
16:20Love you.
16:24Pardon?
16:27What?
16:27What you just said.
16:30I just said what, Beryl?
16:33Before you said what,
16:35I said pardon.
16:38Because you said
16:39something romantic.
16:41Something beginning with L.
16:44L stands for...
16:46Leeds United.
16:50Liverpool.
16:51Ootin' Town.
16:57Love you.
16:59Oh.
17:01That's the first time
17:02you've ever said you love me
17:03without my having to say
17:04I love you first.
17:06Promise you'll be faithful
17:08in Fleetwood.
17:10I've decided to turn it down, Beryl.
17:13Oh, you can't turn it down, Geoffrey.
17:14Head office will hold it against you.
17:17Well, no, they won't.
17:18Not if I find someone suitable
17:19to go instead.
17:21You don't mean that Roland, do you?
17:23Well, yeah, he's all right.
17:24He'll cope.
17:25I don't want him to cope, Geoffrey.
17:27I was being very selfish last night
17:28trying to hold you back
17:29in your career.
17:31But I want to stay here
17:32with you, Beryl.
17:33Geoffrey, you must go to Fleetwood.
17:35I mean, when all's said and done,
17:36what's 12 months?
17:37A year.
17:38Little passing note, haven't you?
17:39A year?
17:41Geoffrey, if you don't go,
17:42you might blame yourself
17:43for years.
17:44Or me for standing in your way.
17:46I don't want to go to Fleetwood.
17:48I've made my mind up.
17:49I'm not going.
17:50It's not as if you're going away
17:51forever and ever.
17:53Yes, Beryl.
17:55I mean, no.
17:56No, it isn't.
17:58Definitely.
17:59I mean, you are coming back
18:01to me, aren't you?
18:01I'm with a fonder heart,
18:02if it's true what they say
18:03about absence.
18:05It's fonder already.
18:07I've only been absent
18:08two minutes getting me ticket.
18:09It seems ages since I've seen your mum.
18:14She makes lovely lampshades.
18:18Don't you really want to go, Geoffrey?
18:24Geoffrey, don't you?
18:25Well, well, yeah, yes.
18:28Yeah, it seems all for the best, really.
18:32I mean, look at the opportunities
18:34it gives me.
18:36I mean, us,
18:37for saving money.
18:39not to mention
18:43our love, Beryl.
18:44Oh, Geoffrey
18:46Bubbles bonbon.
18:47I'll think of you
18:48every day,
18:49every hour,
18:50every minute,
18:51every second.
18:53I'll think of nothing else,
18:54Beryl.
18:54I think I'll just go
18:59and get a sandwich
19:00for the train.
19:01Oh, I nearly forgot.
19:09Sardine?
19:10No.
19:11I refused to let my mum
19:12make them.
19:13Made them all by myself.
19:15Egg and cress.
19:16Oh, thank you both.
19:19Thanks very much.
19:21Do you think
19:21there'll be enough there?
19:23One for every mile,
19:24I should think.
19:26Oh, Geoffrey.
19:27It's not far, Beryl.
19:29It took me all morning
19:29to make them.
19:31We can write, remember?
19:34Every day, Geoffrey.
19:35Every day.
19:37Or better still, phone.
19:40Preferably
19:40during working hours.
19:42Oh, you can't.
19:45Oh, of course I can, Beryl.
19:47All I've got to do
19:47is dial nine
19:48and I think...
19:49No, I mean,
19:49not on the office phone, Geoffrey.
19:51You can't say
19:51what's in your heart
19:52and what you dreamt about
19:53all last night
19:53when everyone's listening in,
19:55though they're pretending
19:55not to be
19:56and that Frieda Slingsby
19:57starts making a call
19:58on the same extension.
19:59Well, we can devise a code, Beryl.
20:01I mean, for I love you lots,
20:03I can say,
20:04Madam, I think your account's overdrawn
20:05and then you can say,
20:07oh, all right, Beryl.
20:09You'll write,
20:10last thing every night.
20:11Er, three whole pages.
20:15I'll write six.
20:17I'll tell you all the news
20:18from home,
20:19who's going with who,
20:20who's not talking,
20:21who's getting married
20:23and everything.
20:24Oh, but Beryl,
20:24I'll be home on leave
20:26from time to time.
20:27I mean,
20:28there really won't be
20:29all that much
20:29to write about.
20:31How much leave
20:32will you be getting?
20:33Well,
20:34a 48-hour pass
20:35every weekend
20:36to begin with.
20:38Although I won't be
20:39coming back
20:39every weekend.
20:40There's a drain at last,
20:41savings to be considered.
20:43And then if I do come back,
20:45it's only right
20:46that I should spend
20:47a bit of time
20:48with me dad
20:48and look up
20:49the old relative or so.
20:52But I know
20:52you'll understand, Beryl.
20:54Geoffrey,
20:55I think you're
20:55the most thoughtful
20:56and considerate
20:57Bubbles Bon Bon
20:57I've ever known.
20:58And I want you to know
21:00that whenever
21:00your business
21:01and family responsibilities
21:02allow you a spare moment
21:04for your little Beryl,
21:05I'll be waiting.
21:07with open arms.
21:09Thank you, Beryl.
21:11That's
21:11that's very,
21:12very big of you.
21:20Five minutes.
21:22You'd better go
21:23and get your seat then.
21:24Look, Beryl,
21:25if you don't mind,
21:26I can't stand
21:28you waving off
21:28on the platform scene.
21:31One of us might break down
21:32and there's every chance
21:33it might be me.
21:36Honestly, Geoffrey,
21:36you'd think it was
21:37the end of the world.
21:38You're only going away
21:39on a short train journey,
21:41a very short train journey,
21:42really.
21:42And the girl
21:43you're leaving behind
21:44for a very short while
21:45is only coming
21:46to hold your hand
21:46through the carriage window
21:47and then wave a cheery goodbye
21:48if she can get her hand free.
21:49Oh, please, Beryl.
21:51I just want,
21:52I just want to remember you
21:53sitting there
21:54as you are
21:55while I go
21:57and get two more coffees.
21:59I don't want
22:00another coffee, Geoffrey.
22:01Well, that's all right, Beryl.
22:03Then you won't be disappointed
22:04when it slowly dawns on you
22:06that I've slipped off
22:08to Fleetwood.
22:14I'll miss you terribly.
22:16Me too.
22:22Send me a washing.
22:23Look after me, Dad.
22:35Be good.
22:36You too.
22:46I'll go and get the coffees
22:47and I'll...
22:48I'll come for me holidays.
23:15Hello, Mum.
23:16Hello, Beryl.
23:18Geoffrey's gone, then?
23:22Yeah, he's gone.
23:23Thought his train
23:24was at ten past one.
23:26Yeah, well,
23:27I've been walking around
23:27for a bit.
23:28No tears?
23:30Honestly, Mum,
23:30I'm a big girl now.
23:32I'm 20 years old.
23:33I'm even engaged
23:34to be married.
23:35Yes.
23:37Well,
23:37I'll put the kettle on, love.
23:39Then,
23:40if you like,
23:41I'll see if I can
23:42knock spots off you
23:42at Ludo.
23:43Beryl,
23:48I do want
23:50to be engaged
23:50to you.
23:52Do you mean
23:52engaged to be married,
23:53Geoffrey?
23:55Next year?
23:56Why not?
23:58We'll get married
23:58next year.
24:01Geoff!
24:02Beryl!
24:02Anyway,
24:09Fleetwood aren't even
24:10in the fourth division.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12APPLAUSE
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