- 4 months ago
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00:00Closed Captioning by Kris Brandhagen.com
00:30Oh, I don't think I mentioned it before, did I, Beryl?
00:47I don't think I mentioned it before, did I, Beryl?
00:49Head office are getting a bit of a team together.
00:52Head office? I'm getting a bit of a team together.
00:54I expect they'll want me to lash out on a pair of boots, weedy laugh-laugh.
00:58I expect they'll want me to lash out on a pair of boots.
01:28It's terrifically exciting in here, isn't it?
01:56Ripping. Ripping. Great. Hot, diggity dog.
02:01Have you found anything of particular interest?
02:04Yeah.
02:05What?
02:05All the fellas in these advertisements are laughing their heads off like demented drains.
02:10They're happily married.
02:12They're models.
02:13Happily married models.
02:16Hey, let's face it, Beryl. Look at him.
02:18Foam rubber underlay just isn't all that funny.
02:20Yeah. One pound square yard, that.
02:24It's not even slightly funny.
02:26Look at him. He's well away.
02:29Show him one cork tile and he's off. Folly anywhere.
02:33You're bored, aren't you?
02:34Looking at boring old furniture with boring old Beryl.
02:37Oh, well, why didn't you say so before Beryl?
02:39Come on, we can still make the start of an info and the erotic three.
02:42I hate questions.
02:44Anyway, it's not me that's bored, Geoffrey.
02:46It's you.
02:47I'm just fed up.
02:52What's curved and yellow and like...
02:53An electric banana and I heard it 19 years ago and it was incredibly pathetic then.
03:01Are you still fed up?
03:02Very.
03:03Is it something organic?
03:06Geoffrey, reading strip cartoons about bedtime drinks doesn't mean you're medically qualified.
03:12Well, only means is there something wrong with your organs.
03:15Geoffrey, it's not ten past seven yet.
03:20You're not starting already, are you?
03:23Starting what?
03:24Starting, Geoffrey Percy, Bill.
03:26Starting.
03:27I'm genuinely concerned about your Beryl.
03:30You know, there are certain subjects at which Geoffrey P. Scrimgeour is slightly less than fantastic
03:34and showing concern about Beryl is nine of them.
03:37I am concerned about Beryl.
03:39Why?
03:40Well, if you're fed up, then I'm fed up.
03:43You're not.
03:44I am.
03:46Are you fed up now?
03:47Yeah.
03:48Why are you fed up now?
03:49Well, if you're fed up now, then I'm...
03:52Why do you think I'm fed up?
03:55These chairs make funny patterns on your bottom.
03:58Does being absolutely pathetic come naturally?
04:01No, I think it's a sort of knack.
04:03And vulgar.
04:03No, that comes naturally.
04:04Ah, are you cross?
04:09Just because we just happen to be passing this wonderful Better Homes exhibition,
04:12and on the spur of the moment, I casually suggested we have a little look inside.
04:16For ten minutes?
04:16For ten minutes.
04:17Two hours ago.
04:19Time always flies on winged foot when there are so many things to interest one.
04:23One what?
04:23It's not a sort of knack you've got, Geoffrey.
04:26It's a sort of feeble mind.
04:29Well, what many things to interest one?
04:31Dishwashers.
04:32We can't afford a dishwasher, Beryl.
04:35I didn't say we could afford one, Geoffrey.
04:37Golly whiz, who could ever afford a really sensible, labour-saving device like an automatic dishwasher?
04:41Except Marjorie Etchells and Iris Underwood and a few girls at work whose husbands thought they'd appreciate a really sensible, labour-saving device like an automatic dishwasher.
04:50Not many people.
04:52It's not the gift that counts, Beryl.
04:54It's the thought.
04:54I know.
04:55I'll buy you a brand-new dishcloth.
05:02Of course, the real, trendy, labour-saving device these days is paper plates.
05:08I believe they're all the rage in Macclesfield.
05:09With the Macclesfield in-crowd.
05:14All the fun people.
05:17Hey, we could do away with meals altogether and just have cups of Complain and brewer-geese tablets.
05:22I like Complain.
05:23And if we had people round to dinner, we could give them a plastic spoonful of cod liver oil each, followed by a handful of raisins.
05:30I like raisins.
05:31That's entirely beside the point, Geoffrey.
05:34Beryl, don't you think automatic dishwashers from £120 are slightly beside the point?
05:40It's true, isn't it?
05:41The well-known biological fact that all men are sentimentally attached to money.
05:44Pardon?
05:45They can't bear parting with it.
05:47Except all the husbands of every girl you work with.
05:50I didn't actually say they could bear parting with it, Geoffrey.
05:53All men are mean.
05:55Men are careful.
05:56Like misers.
05:57In stories, misers are always men.
05:59Look, I'm not mean, Beryl.
06:01Because in order to be mean, you've got to have money to be mean with.
06:05Geoffrey, if you want to go, I wish you'd just come right out with it and say so.
06:08I want to go, Beryl.
06:08And selfish.
06:09Mean and selfish.
06:12Look, Beryl, so far we've managed to save £194.
06:15By the time we get married, we'll probably have just about £300.
06:19Well?
06:20Well, why are we looking at automatic dishwashers from £120 and £200 leather settees and Scandinavian
06:28sauna baths from only...
06:30From only what?
06:33A cat may look at a king, Geoffrey.
06:35Well, I agree, Beryl, but although I've not got the exact figures to hand, I don't think
06:40there's many cuts by Scandinavian sauna baths from...
06:44I can hardly believe that.
06:45A cat may look at a king is just a saying like her.
06:48Geoffrey P. Scrimgeour has the lowest form of wit.
06:52You know, I don't think I'm very good at better homes exhibitions.
06:54I think I might be all right when I've got a bit more practice in.
06:56Anyway, most people just come to look at the many new and tremendously wonderful items.
07:01This many new and tremendously wonderful garden chair, Beryl, costs £22.
07:06Well, it is an authentic reproduction of an elegant mid-Victorian garden chair.
07:11Beryl, you're beginning to talk like an advertisement.
07:13I'm reading an advertisement, Geoffrey, behind you.
07:15From an original design by Charles Wainwright Arra.
07:19Ah, no. I think Arra is pronounced A-R-A, Beryl.
07:24Associate of the Royal Academy.
07:26Clever.
07:27Oh!
07:29Oh, I'm sorry, Beryl.
07:30I seem to have accidentally kicked your shoe in my shin.
07:34And I foolishly believe that if I just managed to get you in here,
07:37you'd really get something out of it.
07:38We both get something out of it.
07:40We both have got something out of it, Beryl.
07:41What?
07:42Original Charles Wainwright designs all over our bottoms.
07:46Honestly, you've got bottoms on the brain.
07:49And please stop saying bottoms.
07:50B-O-T-T-O-M's, Beryl, are part of the human anatomy.
07:55Every member of the human race is born with a B-O-T-T-O-M.
07:59Maybe Scrimshaw wasn't.
08:00She's as flat as a mat at the back.
08:02The jobs of thousands of people making hot mess depends entirely upon the theory that everyone's got one.
08:10Eh?
08:10I'll have to tell her.
08:11On Monday, she'll be ecstatic about having a bottom in theory.
08:14Otherwise, the bottom would fall right out of the market.
08:22Do other couples have conversations like us?
08:24It's not just us, is it, Geoffrey?
08:25No.
08:26No, it's just you, isn't it?
08:29Hey, I bet that couple aren't really examining every minute aspect of that lawnmower with a fine toothbrush.
08:35Toothcomb?
08:36Or toothcomb.
08:38I bet they're not even married.
08:39They probably arranged to meet there last night.
08:41Yeah.
08:43Her husband's probably away on a business trip in Rome.
08:45Yeah.
08:46They're probably planning to spend the weekend together.
08:48Yeah.
08:49I bet she has a luxury caravan in a secluded vale in the Lake District near Ambleside.
08:55Hey, I'll tell you something else, Beryl.
08:56What?
08:57All the girls in these advertisements can't look at something without going...
09:01Must be an old Spanish custom.
09:04Well, I mean, it's not true, is it, Beryl?
09:05Well, I mean, I don't know anyone.
09:07Woman, beast or man looks at something and goes...
09:09And don't stop worrying, darling.
09:16It's all worrying.
09:17Geoffrey!
09:18Anyway, Harry, do you believe in telepathy?
09:23Well, I think if you can believe that pictures can fly through the air and come through television sets,
09:27you can believe anything.
09:27They're young, aren't they?
09:34There can't be very many married couples claiming child allowance for themselves.
09:38You're never too young to enter into a beautiful and meaningful relationship, Geoffrey.
09:42I might sound old-fashioned, Beryl, but I think you should wait until you've taken your O-levels.
09:46Do you want to go?
09:47I want to go and have a look at that house.
09:49Are you coming?
09:49Come in.
09:49Come in.
09:49Come in.
09:49Come in.
09:51Why do you want to look at this house, Beryl?
10:04Just out of interest.
10:06It is for sale, you know.
10:08It's too big.
10:09We'd never get it on the bus.
10:10I, er, I don't think I'll, er, come in tonight, Beryl.
10:36Why not?
10:38Well, it's, er, getting on a bit.
10:40It's getting on for ten past eight, Geoffrey.
10:43Is it?
10:44Oh, good night, Beryl.
10:45Oh, for goodness sake, put your lips straight, Geoffrey.
10:48I'm pursing them for a kiss.
10:50All because we just happened to be passing that wonderful Better Homes exhibition,
10:54and I casually suggested we have a little look inside.
10:57No, I always purse them like this.
11:01The girls like to feel they're desirable, Geoffrey.
11:03You don't blow down them like a trombone.
11:08Ooh.
11:09What's the matter?
11:10Me mum must be out.
11:12She always leaves the kitchen lights on when she goes out for burglars.
11:14She's a very considerate woman, your mum.
11:17You know what I mean.
11:20Beryl, I, er, I think we both benefit by having an early night.
11:24You wouldn't recognise an early night if you bumped into one, Geoffrey, you've never seen
11:27in an early night.
11:28Well, there's always a first time for everything.
11:31Well, almost everything.
11:34You don't mind, do you, Beryl?
11:35Mind?
11:36Who am I to mind?
11:37You're the icing on the cake, Geoffrey.
11:38You're the cherry on the top.
11:40I'm just a drug of a fiancé.
11:41Say I'm not worth bottling like you.
11:43Oh, well, I, er, I just thought I'd ask.
11:46Right.
11:47Right.
11:48I'll, er, go then.
11:50You'll, er, go then.
11:52I'll see you tomorrow.
11:53Nothing can ever be certain, Geoffrey, but uncertainty.
11:56Oh, well, I might see you tomorrow then.
11:59Might not.
12:00Geoffrey, what's happening to us?
12:03It's all cooling down, isn't it?
12:05Beryl, one bad fixture does not a whole season make.
12:08It's not sports night with Coleman, Geoffrey.
12:11Look, what's one rotten night out among so many?
12:14Oh, great night out.
12:18You do love me, don't you?
12:21Of course I do.
12:22I, hmm.
12:23You would say if you didn't.
12:25Of course I would.
12:26Honest.
12:27Look, Beryl, I'm not one of these fellas who just end up marrying a bird just because he
12:31doesn't like hurting her feelings.
12:33Marriage isn't really an end up, Geoffrey.
12:35It's a beginning from.
12:36Absolutely.
12:37And you're not scared of hurting my feelings, are you?
12:40No.
12:40Actually, girls can be fascinated by men who have a streak of cruelty.
12:45Oh, that wouldn't be cruelty, Beryl.
12:47Hurting my feelings is cruelty, Geoffrey.
12:49Oh, no, not when it's in a good cause, it's not.
12:52What are you doing?
12:54Kissing you.
12:55Starting.
12:56I say that.
12:58N-O spells no.
12:59And that.
13:00You just want to lure me inside that house and rip my pants off and have you away with me.
13:06Geoffrey, girls don't rip boys' pants off.
13:08They've more sense.
13:09Girls know who'd end up having to repair them.
13:13Ripping boys' pants off is not an end up, Beryl.
13:15And anyway, it's perfectly respectable these days.
13:18Copenhagen, you can't go into a chippy without having your pants ripped off.
13:21You should go to Mawson's at the end.
13:23Mr. Mawson's a member of the Manchester and District Fish Fries Association.
13:26That's entirely beside the point, Beryl.
13:28The point is, Geoffrey, there's nothing to be ashamed of in being of...
13:32in saving yourself.
13:33How do you mean, Beryl?
13:34I've been around, you know, before I met you.
13:36I was...
13:36I meant me, not you.
13:37Are you frustrated because I won't succumb?
13:43All men need occasional outlets for, if you're, excuse me, using the word, sexual frustration.
13:48Do you think I've missed the 22 to see them all go?
13:51Pussies don't keep to a ten-minute service at this time, Geoffrey.
13:54They arrive in fours like wagon trains.
13:56Probably to prevent hijackers getting on.
13:58Yeah, and passengers.
13:59And, er, have you got an outlet for your, forgive me for using the word, sexual frustration?
14:05A stamp on old-age pensioners.
14:09Geoffrey, that's an awful thing to say.
14:11You'll be an old-age pensioner one day and somebody might stamp on you.
14:14That'll be all right.
14:15There won't be any virgins about.
14:16I happen to like being a...
14:20Saving myself, Geoffrey.
14:22I've noticed.
14:23I'm very happy.
14:24Look, Beryl, you can't say that.
14:26You've got no basis for comparison.
14:27It's a status symbol these days, like being a member of an exclusive club.
14:31Very exclusive.
14:32It's always easier to lose something than keep something, Geoffrey.
14:35Look, why don't you apply for a grant, Beryl?
14:37You could get one for the conservation of natural resources.
14:39Sticks and stones, Geoffrey.
14:42Whispering sweet nothings, are we?
14:44Oh, hello there, Mrs Battersby.
14:46I, er, I didn't hear you stalking up.
14:51I beg your pardon?
14:52You've, er, you've got very quiet gravel.
14:54Have you had it treated?
14:57I say you've been drinking.
14:58We're not speaking.
15:01Did I just hear you say you were getting married in white, Beryl?
15:04I, er, I see next door's house needs pointing.
15:08Which way?
15:09Oh, no, Mrs Battersby.
15:13It's the, er, it's the stuff you put in between the bricks to stick them together.
15:16Martyr, Geoffrey.
15:17Three of sand, one of cement.
15:19One of, er, and, er, three of, er, or three and one, as they call it in the trade.
15:23God, it's pathetic.
15:25Geoffrey, instead of standing here, would you care to lead us up the garden path?
15:28Oh, he was just rushing off.
15:30Were you, Geoffrey?
15:32Um, no.
15:34No, no, I wasn't.
15:35Oh, well, there's, er, there's nothing wrong with your pointing, Mrs Battersby.
15:41Can't fault that.
15:42Oh.
15:44Ah, well, just, just that little bit.
15:47The rest's great.
15:47Can I look at your brochures, please?
15:52Pardon?
15:52The word brochures does not have a double meaning, Geoffrey.
15:57Therefore, there's no need to say pardon.
15:59Real life isn't like a carry-on film, you know.
16:02Could I tempt you with one of my macaroons, Geoffrey?
16:05Beryl.
16:06Biscuits.
16:09Almond-flavoured coconut crunch, Geoffrey.
16:13Oh, well, I see you managed to get to the Better Homes exhibition, then.
16:17Oh, yes, we were just passing, and, er, on the spur of the moment, Beryl says,
16:20why don't we go in and have a look inside?
16:21Yes, Beryl said that you were going to...
16:23Oh, well.
16:25What a nice little house.
16:28Terraces seem to be coming back, don't they?
16:30It's a townhouse, Mother.
16:32I didn't think it was a country house, Beryl.
16:34I mean, you don't call them terraced houses these days, you call them townhouses.
16:38What's the difference?
16:39About £3,000.
16:42Eh, it's got fitted kitchen units, PVC gutters, an immersion heater,
16:47abundant power points, and thermal insulation.
16:49OK, Huston, we have a lift-off. It's looking good.
16:52It's been like that all day.
16:54Nobody would suspect we were about to embark upon life's greatest journey.
16:58Oh, Landud knows great.
17:01Beryl, so far, we've managed to save £194.
17:04Well, we can get a 95% mortgage, Geoffrey.
17:07That only leaves 5% deposit.
17:08Well, that's £200, Beryl.
17:10You don't mind me listening, do you?
17:12It's full of memories.
17:15I mean, and then there's furniture and things.
17:16What are we going to buy that with?
17:18We didn't have anything when your father dropped me over the threshold.
17:21Carried you over?
17:22No, love dropped.
17:23He fell over the cardboard box his de mob suit came in.
17:28Stu!
17:29Here we go.
17:31Money cannot buy those things which cannot be bought.
17:33The important things.
17:34Was everything Russian, Mrs. Battersby?
17:38Love, Geoffrey.
17:39Can't buy me love.
17:41Oh, a whole love.
17:43You and me dad managed all right, though, didn't you?
17:45No.
17:46But still...
17:47Here we go again.
17:49If you lie upon roses when you're young, you lie upon thorns when you're old.
17:52We're not going to sleep in a garden.
17:55Fortunately, Geoffrey will be able to get a bank loan.
17:58Pardon?
18:00A bank loan, Geoffrey.
18:01You work in a bank which is not only a respectable occupation,
18:04they're also sure of getting all the money back.
18:07Well, I might get fed up of being a respectable barrel.
18:09I mean, I might leave the bank and go and be an adventurer.
18:13What sort of adventurer?
18:15The adventurous sort.
18:18I mean, I always wanted to be a pearl diver.
18:21Well, it's the first time you've ever mentioned to me that you wanted to be a pearl diver.
18:24Well, I wasn't too sure where you send the application forms.
18:28Not that I mind you being a pearl diver.
18:31Only because you don't believe me.
18:33I always wanted a gun that shot potatoes, but I never got one.
18:38Oh, I do believe you.
18:40You can be a pearl diver in the South Seas,
18:43and I'll be a lumberjack at Lithubst and Tams.
18:49Roland!
18:53Roland!
18:56Roland!
19:03Hello, mate!
19:06It's me!
19:07Geoffrey!
19:18What's the matter?
19:20I didn't wait you, did I?
19:22I don't know if I should.
19:22I just thought you might still be up.
19:32Is that why you were chucking bricks at the window?
19:34Well, lying in bed, but unable to sleep.
19:37I've been sleeping very badly.
19:38I haven't.
19:41Anyway, don't worry, mate.
19:43You only cracked the window slightly.
19:46I'm desperate, Roland.
19:47I need somebody to talk to.
19:49Oh, what's wrong?
19:51It's getting worse.
19:52What is?
19:53Everything.
19:54She wants to buy a house.
19:56Yeah?
19:57Is that it?
19:59Well, that's just the start, Roland.
20:01I mean, she'll want to fill it up with furniture and carpets and sauna baths and things.
20:06What do you want me to do?
20:09Understand.
20:09Oh, I do understand, Geoffrey.
20:11Beryl wants to buy a house,
20:12and you pop round at 22 in the morning to tell me about it.
20:15There's more to it than that, Roland.
20:17Hey, I didn't know you had a picture of Colin Todd.
20:19What, last year?
20:20He's having a cracking season.
20:21Oh, he's fit.
20:22Gets in eight hours worth of zeds a night.
20:29You know, I think I'm going off, Beryl.
20:31Oh, Geoffrey, you go off for a bit every two and a half days.
20:35You know, when they say marriage is a union,
20:37they don't mean you've got to have a 44-hour week.
20:41Four spoonfuls.
20:43I think I'm going off for a lot this time, Roland.
20:46Please.
20:47Every time she talks about money, mate,
20:50I fancy her even less.
20:53I've noticed that every time we kiss now,
20:54I'm the first to break off.
20:56Now, that's significant, isn't it, Roland?
20:57Oh, do you mean you don't love her?
20:59Well, what is it?
21:01What is love?
21:03Got nothing in common.
21:05I've been asking myself what we have got in common,
21:08and do you know what it is?
21:08Do you promise you not laugh?
21:10It's too late for laughing.
21:11They're both like Andy Williams.
21:16Hey, I thought you said you wouldn't laugh.
21:17I don't lie.
21:21I've been asking myself if Andy Williams is really enough.
21:24Geoffrey, you've been going out with Beryl for two years.
21:26You got engaged, you're getting married,
21:28and all you've got in common is Andy Williams.
21:30It's not much, is it?
21:31It must be love, mate.
21:32There's nothing else there.
21:36Roland, that's very, very wise.
21:40That's the wisest thing you've ever said.
21:43It's not wise.
21:44I just want to go back to bed.
21:46Guess what I found on the doorstep.
21:56Hello, Beryl.
21:58You're looking terrific.
22:01Fabulous towel.
22:03Would you take my place, Geoffrey?
22:05It's Beryl's girl.
22:06She really does, Mrs. Battersby.
22:08And you look good too, Mrs. Battersby.
22:11Two peaches off the same tree.
22:13Creep.
22:15Thank you, Geoffrey.
22:16Chess?
22:20Drafts.
22:23Oh.
22:25You do like my mum, don't you, Geoffrey?
22:28Oh, I think your mother's fabulous, Beryl.
22:30I always thought so.
22:31Good.
22:31Why?
22:32Well, to save money.
22:34She says we can live here when we get married.
22:36I want a fully comprehensive list of all the building sites under current development, please.
22:54Oh, I want a few more.
22:56For you.
23:00Pearl Diver.
23:01Oh, I want a few more.
23:01I want a few more.
23:02I want a few more.
23:02I want a few more.
23:03I want a few more.
23:03I want a few more.
23:04I want a few more.
23:04I want a few more.
23:05I want a few more.
23:05I want a few more.
23:06I want a few more.
23:06I want a few more.
23:07I want a few more.
23:07I want a few more.
23:08I want a few more.
23:09I want a few more.
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