- 9 months ago
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FunTranscript
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00:53It's only people in films who leap out of bed in the morning and start singing, pretending to be happy.
00:59I am happy.
01:01All right, I'll have to do.
01:05Mrs. Battersby, you've got a devastating daughter.
01:09There can't be many 19-year-olds who wake up singing. They've dug 16 tons and what have they got?
01:15Another day older and deeper in the dot.
01:18Well, I always do. Wake up singing.
01:21That doesn't mean you always have done for the last three days, Beryl.
01:23That doesn't qualify as habit of a lifetime.
01:25Still got five minutes.
01:27Excusey-mumsy.
01:29And look what you've done to your breakfast again.
01:33Yeah, eaten it.
01:35Eating's a sign of worry.
01:37You've hardly touched yours.
01:39I'm worried about you.
01:41I can't read the collected works of W Shakespeare and the Home Doctor in five minutes, Beryl.
01:45Books aren't just for reading, Mother.
01:47Oh, really?
01:48Books for improving busts.
01:50Nothing wrong with your busts.
01:52This time tomorrow, I won't be a 19-year-old girl.
01:55I haven't forgotten.
01:56I'll be 20.
01:57I realise 20 is the beginning of middle-aged, Beryl.
02:00But your muscles aren't going to slacken overnight.
02:03I bet some girls' mums buy the daughters' flesh-coloured bras with size B half-cups which push everything they've got up to the front for their 20th birthday.
02:12I think you do just as well with a boot token.
02:16Oh, I might be late-ish tonight.
02:18Maybe Sputler's having her stag do.
02:20Oh, that's nice.
02:21Yeah, divorce came through yesterday.
02:23Whatever else you do, Beryl, you mustn't turn bitter.
02:25There's more to marriage than getting a divorce.
02:27More to engagements than breaking them off.
02:29Well, you've done nothing to reproach yourself for, love.
02:32Not in the eyes of the world.
02:33I know.
02:34And the eyes of the neighbours can think what they want to think.
02:37It's their only pleasure.
02:39Mothers do understand, Beryl.
02:41That's why daughters have mothers.
02:43To understand.
02:45Whatever it is, I'll understand.
02:47There's more to engagements than breaking them off.
02:49I don't understand, Beryl.
02:52Last week you were in love.
02:53You were engaged to be married.
02:55Last week, Mother, I was engaged.
02:57Just.
02:58After months and months of willy, won'ty, this year, next year, sometime, never.
03:02Men don't like making decisions.
03:04Men?
03:05I've been going steady with a dandelion.
03:17Are you coming out tonight, then?
03:18No.
03:19Why do you want to know?
03:20Call.
03:21Make a conversation.
03:22No.
03:23Tuesdays used to be Beryl's night.
03:24Yeah.
03:25In the old days.
03:26Last week.
03:27Yeah.
03:28No.
03:29No.
03:30No.
03:31No.
03:32No.
03:33No.
03:34No.
03:35No.
03:36No.
03:37No.
03:38No.
03:39No.
03:40No.
03:41No.
03:42No.
03:43No.
03:44No.
03:45No.
03:46No.
03:47You know, it's really funny how the really great affairs end.
03:49You just smile a last fun smile, and melt away into the night.
03:54You didn't smile, Geoffrey.
03:55You couldn't get quite enough leverage on your bottom lip.
03:57In would I?
03:59What colour are Spiderman's tights?
04:01Is it important?
04:02Nothing's important, Roland.
04:04It's just things that have varying degrees of unimportance.
04:07And where'd you read that little mind bender?
04:09I made it up.
04:10You didn't.
04:11I did.
04:12Blue.
04:13How long is this mood of yours going to last, Geoffrey?
04:17And please don't say you're not in the mood, Geoffrey.
04:19I'm not in the mood, Roland.
04:21Right then.
04:22Manic depression.
04:23Look, if you'd have ever been engaged, you'd...
04:24With fact, the Lord, I have not, sir.
04:26You'd appreciate the ending one is like returning to go and waiting to throw a double six.
04:31You are chuffed it's over, aren't you?
04:32Yes.
04:33But does that fill the aching void, Roland?
04:35I mean, you did spend all last week trying to pluck up sufficient cowardice to tell her, didn't you?
04:39Roland?
04:49Roland, do I look all right?
04:56I mean, I don't look funny or anything, do I?
05:00I know I'm not knockout, but...
05:02But you think I'm passable, like?
05:04Ducky.
05:04If you were a bird, would you fancy me?
05:10A bit.
05:12You're all right, Geoffrey.
05:13Nothing fantastic, mind, but all right.
05:20Just all right.
05:22Wouldn't you say, better than average, all right?
05:25Are you sure you're not sorry you broke off that engagement?
05:28I didn't break it off.
05:30Beryl did.
05:30Ah, that's it.
05:32I feel like a reject.
05:34Look, have a rethink about tonight.
05:35Let's go out somewhere, do something, you know, groove, man.
05:38All right.
05:39Your enthusiasm's infectious.
05:41Where do you want to go?
05:42Anywhere.
05:43I mean, we're easy, aren't we?
05:47Beryl used to like her nights mapped out on graph paper.
05:51That's the difference with blokes, isn't it?
05:53You can go out with a fella on spec and have a real ball.
05:56Oh, come on.
06:01Could I...
06:02Same again?
06:07Well, we've not lost the old magic touch, have we?
06:10It's still ring-a-ding-ding time when you and me hit town.
06:13Who said all the spare talent congregates at the Cenotaph?
06:15Well?
06:16Well, a no-one-a-biting two seven-foot birds carrying billiard cues
06:19is not my idea of a congregation.
06:21You're too choosy, Geoffrey.
06:23Sorry to bother you, Blossom.
06:25What's the password?
06:28What did you want?
06:31And I've heard more replies to that than you've had in at this change.
06:38Half a keg.
06:40Oh, half.
06:41Half.
06:42Half a shandy, please.
06:44Neat.
06:45Pardon?
06:46Well, he can't break training now, you know.
06:49I mean, this time next month,
06:50he'll be halfway at the south face of the Annapurna in the Andes.
06:53Uh, the Himalayas.
06:56Hey, hey, I got you right in there, Geoffrey.
06:58I don't think that's strictly true, Robert.
06:59Oh, it's a doddle, a bit of chat, and you'll crack it.
07:01Look, there's a fairly strong possibility
07:02that this time next month,
07:03I will not be halfway at the south face of the Annapurna.
07:06Anyway, the only mountain I've ever conquered
07:08is in Wales, Snowdon, up the mountain railway.
07:11And he is, popped all the way down.
07:13And besides, I don't fancy her.
07:14She's too...
07:15Yeah.
07:15You know, the Sherpas worship him.
07:21Krishna Lama.
07:22Young lord who lives at the roof of the world.
07:24It's beyond me where anybody wants to climb mountains.
07:27Well, I suppose it's because they're there, love.
07:30Yeah.
07:30And, well, Sammy, let's have something with us.
07:32Go on.
07:34I'll put it towards a box of matches.
07:40Oh, dear.
07:42What?
07:43Nothing.
07:43I just keep thinking I see Beryl's face everywhere I go.
07:50Geoffrey, that's not just Beryl's face.
07:52That's all the rest of her.
07:55Beryl?
08:02Well, what to expect?
08:07Is she looking?
08:08Geoffrey, there is nothing more obvious
08:10than you trying not to be.
08:11Is she looking?
08:13Oh, I'm doomed, Geoffrey.
08:20I just gazed right into her eyes.
08:21In 60 seconds, I shall turn to solid stone.
08:24Ha-ha.
08:25Ha.
08:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:27Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:29Ha-ha-ha.
08:30Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:31Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:32Geoffrey, it's not that funny.
08:33Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:35Even on half a glass of Shandy,
08:36it's still not that funny, Geoffrey.
08:38Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:41Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:43Ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:47Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:47Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:48Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:49Why are you laughing?
08:50I know a lot of doctors recommend it.
08:51A lot of doctors come at you for it, Geoffrey.
08:53Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:54Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:56All right, then.
08:58Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:58A child.
08:59Here.
08:59Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
09:00How do you train a cat to obey you?
09:03You chuck it on the fire and then tell it to get off.
09:10Chuck it on the fire and...
09:13I'll see you in a minute.
09:17Where are you going?
09:18Brush me teeth.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:26Packet of crisps, please.
09:27Salt and vinegar, cheese and onion, beef and onion, steak and kidney, chicken, baked beans.
09:35Erm, plain.
09:39Plain.
09:40Please.
09:47Will you take for a large gin and tonic or something, please?
09:53Gin's fine.
09:55My favourite fruit.
09:57Not all very much.
10:04Are you really a mountaineer?
10:06Oh, no.
10:07Roland gets carried away sometimes.
10:09Or he ought to be.
10:12Well, um, bung-ho.
10:14Cheers.
10:18You're a modest lot, aren't you, you mountaineers?
10:20Oh, yes.
10:21Must take a lot of courage.
10:22You know, I went up Snowdon once on the mountain railway and all the way down my ears kept going, pop, pop, pop.
10:29Hey, it's funny you should say that.
10:31I, I, er, heard, heard, heard of a fella who did exactly the same thing.
10:34Oh, it just shows.
10:37Yes, it does indeed.
10:40Cheers.
10:40Right, my old son, I'll, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
10:48You're not going, are you?
10:49Well, you don't want me to give you a hand with a block and tackle or something, do you?
10:52Pardon?
10:52Oh, ha, ha, oh, yeah.
10:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:56Yeah, well, I'll see you in the morning, then, um, late-ish.
11:00Oh, golly, golly, gumdrops.
11:02Doesn't time fly when you're at a fantastic rave?
11:05Great stab do, Mavis.
11:08Bye.
11:09Same again, please.
11:10Have you had a nice time, love?
11:29Yes, thank you for asking, Soper.
11:30That's good.
11:32I even saw Geoffrey P. Scrimger, or whatever his name is.
11:34Oh, did he have anything to say?
11:37A ventrist, as it were.
11:38Well, obviously, Mother, I didn't speak to him.
11:41We just happened to be having a drink in the same place
11:43as he just happened to be laughing his stupid, hairy head off.
11:46Oh.
11:47Was he up with a friend?
11:49He came in with that, Roland.
11:52Honestly, talk about a plunging neckline.
11:54Roland wasn't wearing a dress, was he?
11:57The barmaid.
11:59Well, she was nearly wearing a dress.
12:01Where, Beryl, in the overall scheme of this tangled web does a bar...
12:08Well, it's certainly late enough.
12:11Burglars keep better eyes than Geoffrey.
12:13Oh, six, one, two, four, six, three, seven...
12:21Er, three, seven...
12:23Eight, two.
12:25Mrs Battersby speaking personally.
12:28Hello, Geoffrey.
12:30Not him.
12:31Forgive me for asking, Geoffrey, but which particular Geoffrey are you?
12:34Say I'm not him.
12:35Ah, yes, of course.
12:37Beryl's first fiancée.
12:39Not tell him I'm not him.
12:40Oh, well, I'm very sorry, Geoffrey, but I'm afraid Beryl says she's not in.
12:49Or rather, I am telling a teeny-fid, Geoffrey.
12:52Beryl is in, but, er, she's lost her voice.
12:56Would you speak to Geoffrey, ex-Bobbles Bon Bon, if you hadn't lost your voice, Beryl?
12:59No?
13:00Yes.
13:00Yes.
13:01No!
13:01And no.
13:04Things weren't meant to be clear at midnight, Geoffrey.
13:06That's why God invented beds.
13:08Yes, well, you go and sleep on it, and things will look different in the morning.
13:15Well, it applies to anything in life, love.
13:18A personal problem, a pair of pants.
13:21I thank you for calling.
13:23I've no idea what I'm talking about.
13:26I'm not even warm.
13:28Traditionally, Mother, nod-nod means yes.
13:31And shake-shake means no in the negative sense of the word.
13:35I said no, and you said yes.
13:37Yes, meaning no.
13:39It's retribution for something I've done now, not to have done.
13:44I walked past a lady selling flags yesterday.
13:47What do you prefer?
14:08Would you prefer a periscope for Christmas
14:18or two-way curtains?
14:21If they're not too dear, no, thank you.
14:23Another card?
14:25Yeah, girls at the office.
14:26Full of mischief, full of play.
14:28Our little barrel's 20 today.
14:31Well, don't all laugh at once, Mother.
14:32It is supposed to be a joke.
14:34Oh.
14:36What time does the afternoon post come?
14:38It never varies, love.
14:40There isn't one.
14:45What are you looking at?
14:46I'm not looking at a what barrel, I'm looking at a who?
14:49Whom.
14:50A cold chapery.
14:53Well, don't stand there, Mother.
14:54He might just possibly jump to the pathetic conclusion
14:57that we're slightly interested.
14:59What's he doing?
15:03He's sort of pacing up and down.
15:05I didn't think boys did things like that these days.
15:08They don't.
15:08Geoffrey does.
15:09That proves it.
15:21We've got to have it out.
15:23No, no.
15:38No, no.
15:41No.
15:42No.
15:42No, no.
15:44Well, one of us had better answer it, Beryl,
16:07before two coats of pale and Worcester gloss paint drop off.
16:10I'm counting up to 20.
16:1221.
16:1320, as in play it cool.
16:1513.
16:1614, 15.
16:1714.
16:1915.
16:206.
16:22Oh, God.
16:29Was I sobered at the door, love?
16:34Hello, Geoffrey.
16:35What an expected surprise.
16:37Do sit down, Geoffrey.
16:42There's no need to stand on ceremony.
16:43Oh, thank you.
16:44Now that there'll never be one.
16:46Pardon?
16:47Welcome.
16:47I was, um, I was passing the house when I suddenly thought to myself, I wonder how Mrs. Battersby's keeping.
17:13Very well, thank you.
17:15Very well, thank you, Geoffrey.
17:17All things considered and under the circumstances.
17:26Oh, well, that's the main thing, isn't it, Mrs. Battersby?
17:28I'm pleased to hear your mother's well, Beryl.
17:36Beryl's keeping very well, too.
17:37I'm very well.
17:38Are you reading a book, Mrs. Battersby?
17:47No, she's knitting rice puddings.
17:54Beryl, is there something I ought to be attended to in the kitchen, or will it wait for a little while?
17:58Oh, um, don't you have to, uh...
18:00Oh, the, uh...
18:01Yes.
18:02Oh, thank goodness she jugged my, uh...
18:04Memorand.
18:04That's it, love.
18:08Excuse me, Geoffrey.
18:10Woman's work, you know.
18:11It's never done.
18:12Well, somebody gets it done, Geoffrey.
18:14It doesn't do itself.
18:18I like and respect your mother, Beryl.
18:20She's in the kitchen, and she can't hear your old world's mum in there.
18:23Do you want me to go, Beryl?
18:32Beryl?
18:35Well, you've only got to say if my mere being here makes you angry.
18:39I thought you came to see my mother.
18:40I did.
18:41Your mother's been like a mother to you.
18:44Well, then, you'd better wait till Mummy gets back in and then say goodbye, hadn't you?
18:47Right.
18:47I shaved half an inch off my sideboards on Monday.
19:00It's like it.
19:01They were all right before.
19:02I'd grown back again half an inch.
19:04Geoffrey, they're your sideboards.
19:06And your sideboards are your concern, not mine.
19:09They used to be your concern, Beryl.
19:12In the old days.
19:13I used to value your sense of correct sideboard lengths.
19:24Did you enjoy yourself the other night?
19:26What?
19:27Well, I saw you with some friends in the, uh, what's it called?
19:31Queen's Head.
19:32Were you there?
19:35Well, you saw me, didn't you?
19:36No.
19:39Nor that barmaid.
19:40And I used the expression loosely because everything else about her was...
19:45I only asked her for a...
19:45I only asked her for a bag of crisps, Beryl.
19:47She wouldn't leave me alone.
19:50You sat on the lot before I met you.
19:53Birds taking her fancy to me.
19:56A little bit.
19:58Well, you must have encouraged them, Geoffrey, because it takes two.
20:01It takes two to tangle.
20:02I was always faithful to you, Beryl.
20:04You make it sound like you were supporting a charity.
20:08I used to fancy you a lot more than a little bit.
20:11A little bit more than a lot, even.
20:15Since last Saturday, I've had nine phone calls from different men.
20:19Nine?
20:21And seven requests for dates from men at the office.
20:25How many?
20:25Seven.
20:26There's only four blokes working in your office.
20:30Yeah, three of them asked twice.
20:33And that Graham, what's-his-name's married?
20:34Oh, he only asked once.
20:39She didn't really.
20:42Fancy me.
20:43That barmaid, she didn't really fancy me, Beryl.
20:45I just kept buying her drinks.
20:47Why?
20:47To make you jealous.
20:51Jealous?
20:53Honestly, Geoffrey, she must have been 25 if she was a day.
20:59Girls always fancy me after they've got to know me.
21:03Problem is getting one before they've got to know me.
21:05You are quite possibly attractive, Geoffrey.
21:10No, I'm not.
21:11You are.
21:12Oh, no, I'm not, Beryl.
21:13You don't have to be nice.
21:14I am not being nice, Geoffrey.
21:15You are very attractive.
21:17Am I?
21:17Yes.
21:18So, so, very, very attractive.
21:20Very, very attractive.
21:22Right.
21:26Beryl, I, er, I didn't really come round to see how your mother was tonight.
21:33I, er, I wanted to ask you, Beryl, did you, did you break off the engagement because you
21:40found out you didn't love me?
21:42No, Geoffrey.
21:43I broke it off because I love you too much.
21:47Oh.
21:48It's not a very common reason, is it, Beryl?
21:52I just didn't want to see you unhappy, getting enmeshed into something from which you couldn't
21:56escape.
21:56Beryl, I do want to be engaged to you.
22:01Engaged to be married, Geoffrey?
22:03Um.
22:06Next year?
22:08Why not?
22:09On the last Saturday in April, say.
22:11Pardon?
22:12Oh.
22:13You see, now you feel all pinned down, don't you?
22:16No, no, I was just thinking.
22:18No, that'll be all right.
22:19There's, er, there's not very many decisive league games at the end of April.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:23Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bonbon.
22:36Oh, Beryl.
22:37Oh, Geoffrey, Geoffrey.
22:39Oh.
22:43N-O.
22:45Spells no, what's wrong?
22:48Nothing.
22:48Geoffrey, did you take her home last night?
22:54Your barmaid?
22:56No.
22:57As a matter of fact, I phoned you, but you wouldn't speak to me.
22:59Roland was positive you'd taken her home.
23:03Roland?
23:04Oh.
23:05Yes, he left just before me.
23:07He brought me home.
23:10He didn't mention it this morning.
23:11A man's best friend, Geoffrey, isn't always his best friend.
23:17What do you mean, Beryl?
23:19Nothing.
23:20I've probably said far too much already,
23:22and you must be thinking all sorts of dreadful things about me
23:24just because Roland finds me attractive.
23:26Roland?
23:29Hi.
23:31Is it somebody's birthday?
23:33LAUGHTER
23:34Your mum's?
23:37No!
23:38No!
23:38No!
24:04Oh, my God.
24:34Oh, my God.
25:04Oh, my God.
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