- 5 months ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00.
00:02.
00:04.
00:36You haven't bought another shirt, have you?
00:45Are you asking me or accusing me?
00:47You bought a slimline floral pattern shirt with matching tie only yesterday.
00:50And I bought a crunette pullover with saddle shoulders only today.
00:54You spend money like a, I don't know...
00:57A single fella?
00:58I'm a single fella, Roland.
00:59You're under starter's orders, Geoffrey.
01:02What do you think?
01:04Gone right off pullovers.
01:05Oh.
01:06Hey, have you gone right off eels on your shoes?
01:09They're all right, I suppose, if you happen to need one.
01:11Oh, you need one, Geoffrey.
01:12Not just down at the eel, that's basement level.
01:15Pullovers.
01:16Oh.
01:17Well, I happen to need something decent when I happen to have the top down.
01:23When you happen to have the what down?
01:25The top down on the MG, Dad.
01:27You've not got it.
01:29You've not got it.
01:31This time tomorrow I'll have got her.
01:39What colour is it?
01:41Red.
01:44Black upholstery?
01:45Yep.
01:49Wooden steering wheel?
01:49Yep.
01:50Push button.
01:53Yep.
01:56I've gone right off, Engies.
01:58Oh, well, you'll be going in for the small family saloon when you've got the carpets and furniture and things paid off.
02:05Money can't buy you happiness, Roland.
02:06And happiness can't buy you money, Geoffrey.
02:08Hello, Geoffrey.
02:12I've been here two hours, Beryl.
02:14I said hello, Geoffrey, when I limped in, owing to one heel being higher than the other.
02:19I don't mean hello, Geoffrey.
02:20I mean, hello, Geoffrey.
02:23Well, a kind word costs nothing.
02:25Geoffrey Bobbles bonbon.
02:27It's about doing a thing at business.
02:29Hello, my Geoffrey Bobbles bonbon.
02:31Hello, Beryl.
02:33Groovy kisser.
02:35Am I?
02:36Dreamy.
02:37Still, I don't need to tell Geoffrey P. Scrimgey or that, do I?
02:41No.
02:42Why? Who else tells you?
02:45Well, nobody, Beryl.
02:47It just, um, it takes one to know one.
02:51It's just what being in love with you has made me.
02:54You've made me.
02:55Ah, I want to exactly say that, Beryl.
02:58Honestly, I was a real little Miss Innocent, but I wouldn't melt till I met you.
03:03Hey, let's play lovers.
03:05Love is, um, love is, um, nibbling Geoffrey's earlobes.
03:12Your turn.
03:14Love is, love is nibbling Geoffrey's earlobes.
03:19No, Geoffrey, love is.
03:21Love is, um...
03:22I'm any splendid thing.
03:24No, you've got to make up a proper one, Geoffrey.
03:26I'm not very good at love is, is Beryl.
03:28Love is, Geoffrey missing a football match for Beryl's sake.
03:31Love is, Beryl going to a football match for Geoffrey's sake.
03:35Nearly.
03:37Love is...
03:38That's definitely not a love is, Geoffrey.
03:41Love is actions speak louder than words.
03:44Love is kissing Geoffrey P. Scrimgeol when he's sucking a chlorophyll tablet, having eaten
03:48only nine sardine sandwiches.
03:50I'm not sucking a chlorophyll tablet, Beryl.
03:52I know, Geoffrey, you don't have to tell me.
03:55Here you are.
03:56Open your mouth.
03:56What are you doing?
03:57Say are.
03:59Are...
03:59What is it?
04:01It's teeth lacquer, Geoffrey, for keeping your teeth in place on a windy day.
04:06It's also for smelly breath.
04:10I haven't got smelly breath, Beryl.
04:12Not now you haven't.
04:15You don't mind me mentioning you smelled like a sardine, do you?
04:18Oh, I'm very grateful, Beryl. Thank you very much.
04:21Oh, you're upset, aren't you? Have I hurt your feelings?
04:24No.
04:27I haven't seen your mother tonight.
04:28Probably because she's not been in tonight.
04:31Is she out making lampshades?
04:32Altrincham.
04:33Is there something wrong with them?
04:36Altrincham is a town in Cheshire, Geoffrey.
04:39Apart from that, it's quite nice.
04:43Why has your mother gone to Altrincham?
04:45To look after me Uncle Arthur while me Auntie Edmund's in hospital to see if it's better to
04:48take it out or leave it in.
04:52What?
04:53When something's called an it, Geoffrey, you don't ask what.
04:58I suppose your mother might have to consider the possibility of staying overnight.
05:11She is.
05:15All night?
05:16All night.
05:18Till tomorrow morning?
05:19Well, that's the usual length of an all-night, Geoffrey.
05:24Geoffrey, before you met me, did you know...
05:28Did you know lots of girls?
05:32One or two.
05:34Did you know any of them very, very particularly well?
05:38Yeah, I suppose so.
05:43Oh, you mean, did I, um...
05:45Yeah.
05:47Oh, well, yeah.
05:49Yeah, I think so.
05:50How many?
05:52Well, I don't know, Beryl.
05:53I mean, it's just a way of rounding off an evening out.
05:57You and me drink cocoa instead.
05:59Personally, I think it's quite a good thing for the man to have had experience.
06:04Ah, about 20 girls, very, very particularly well.
06:07And a couple of dozen fairly well.
06:09OK for a quick session, nothing too heavy.
06:13You didn't get to know Vicky Schofield very, very particularly well, did you?
06:17Didn't see she sign on as prop forward with Rochdale Ornitz?
06:21You tried to kiss her and missed.
06:22I tried to kiss her and successfully missed, Beryl.
06:24Why did you bother going out with her?
06:26She used to beat up the whole class if anyone refused.
06:29Well, it just so happens that Vicky has very kindly agreed to be my chief bridesmaid.
06:34Chief sitting bull would be a lot prettier, Beryl.
06:37Honestly, it's no wonder Vicky absolutely detests men.
06:40She's broken off four engagements in less than two years.
06:42Ah, well, a lot of girls do, Beryl, until the right Mr. Right comes along.
06:46You're my Mr. Right, Geoffrey. You're different.
06:49I'm not, Beryl. I'm a very average person,
06:52with an average insatiable lust for Percy Filth.
06:55I mean, you might not be able to sache me, Beryl.
06:58Hey, when we get married, you can have egg and Beryl for breakfast if you like.
07:01Well, it's all right saying that now, Beryl, but it's no guarantee you're going to be an actual raver.
07:08Hey, all that experience with 20 girls, it's pot's better than marrying a learner.
07:13Trial, um, trial marriages seem to be a good idea.
07:20Don't they?
07:21No.
07:22Oh, you don't know what I mean, Beryl.
07:23You mean trial Percy Filth, Geoffrey.
07:26Well, only to find out if we're compatible.
07:28That's what I said, trial Percy Filth.
07:30Well, a little premarital Percy Filth is a way of getting a bit of experience in the shallow end before taking the big plunge.
07:36The best way to learn how to swim, Geoffrey, is to jump in at the deep end.
07:40It's also the best way to learn how to drown, Beryl.
07:44It's not that I don't want you to, Geoffrey.
07:47It's just that I don't want you to want me to want you to.
07:51Ah.
07:51Could you repeat that, Beryl?
07:56Well, I don't want you to persuade me to do anything against your will.
08:02You don't want me to what?
08:04Miss your last boss.
08:04Miss your last boss.
08:34Football?
08:36City and Everton.
08:38I like your wedding guest list, Beryl.
08:40Only six pages.
08:42Did you run out of ink?
08:43Oh, very untidy midfield play.
08:47Pardon?
08:48You missed a really untidy midfield play there, Geoffrey.
08:50Really untidy.
08:51That one.
08:52Untidy midfield play are absolutely untidy.
08:55That's the ref, Beryl.
08:57Oh, untidy midfield play.
08:59City have just got a penalty.
09:01Serve them right, untidy midfield play.
09:04Uh, Beryl?
09:07Honestly, all this fuss about a few suggested wedding guests.
09:10Oh, what fuss?
09:11Any second now.
09:14I was just going to say, Beryl, don't you think that 127 few suggested wedding guests is not a few suggested wedding guests too many?
09:21It's supposed to be our great day, Geoffrey.
09:24Yeah.
09:28Well, I suppose I'd better put a spurt on if I'm going to get my last boss.
09:35What time is it?
09:38Nearly 20 past.
09:41It's funny.
09:44Midweek football doesn't usually come on till half past.
09:46Geoffrey, it's 25 to 11.
10:00Oh, God.
10:01Oh.
10:03I've missed me last bus, Beryl.
10:06Shall I call a taxi?
10:07A taxi from here would cost about two pounds, Geoffrey.
10:09Or put another way, two pairs of pillowcases or a stainless steel pan.
10:12Or two seats in E Block at Old Trafford.
10:16Well, I'd better start walking then, Beryl.
10:18It's probably not raining quite as torrentially as it was.
10:21Not in those shoes, you can't.
10:24Well, with a bit of luck, I might be able to hitch a lift.
10:27There are some people who stop very late at night in the pouring rain and pick up perfect strangers.
10:33Well, it's only a suggestion, Geoffrey, but you could...
10:37Well, you are stuck, aren't you?
10:39Could, er...
10:42Could what, Beryl?
10:44Why don't you sleep here?
10:46Pardon?
10:47Why don't you sleep here?
10:49Pardon?
10:50Why don't you...
10:51Oh, forget it.
10:52Hey, why don't I sleep here tonight, Beryl?
10:54I mean, we are engaged, aren't we?
10:56And there's probably more reasons why I should sleep here than why I shouldn't.
10:59I could sit on your knee.
11:02That's a few reasons.
11:05Love you.
11:06Love you, really, lots and lots.
11:07Beryl, are you sure your mother is staying overnight in Altrincham?
11:12All night.
11:15What are you doing to me tie, Beryl?
11:17I'm undoing your tie, Geoffrey.
11:20Exciting, isn't it?
11:22Oh, there's Mike Doyle, I see, having a little spit.
11:25And where, where exactly where am I sleeping, Beryl?
11:30Well, I suppose you'd better sleep in my bed, Geoffrey.
11:32Oh, yeah.
11:36Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:37Great.
11:38Really, really great.
11:39I hope you've had a pleasant evening, and that you'll be coming back for more tomorrow.
12:08Well, if you're just after bed now, we drink it.
12:19Hello, Geoffrey.
12:21Geoffrey's sexy bobbles bonbon.
12:24Hello, Beryl.
12:25Love you, Billions and Trillions.
12:29Thank you, Beryl.
12:31Beryl, do you remember earlier when I mentioned knowing about 20 girls sort of very, very particularly well?
12:40Some men have got it, Geoffrey, and some weren't even in the queue when they were dishing it out.
12:45Ah, well, I think I might have tended to give the impression of having more than I've actually got.
12:50Um, I was probably using, um, round figures to illustrate a point.
12:58You mean you were really telling lies?
13:01Well, not exactly lies, Beryl.
13:03Um...
13:04And not exactly about 20 girls?
13:07Oh, well, not exactly about 20.
13:12About 12.
13:13Six?
13:22Three.
13:24Three.
13:27Nearly three.
13:29You mean two?
13:32Nearly three.
13:36Nearly Monica Dyson.
13:37Very nearly Pam Wilde.
13:42And very, very nearly a girl I met at Scarborough.
13:46So you've never actually...
13:48You haven't, have you?
13:51Well, I'm very well upon the theory, Beryl.
13:53And once you've...
13:54R what?
13:59Just R.
14:01R.
14:04Well, I haven't done anything wrong, Beryl.
14:06Well, you can't have been doing it right, Geoffrey.
14:12Well, it's just that I didn't want you to, um...
14:15Well, that's what trial marriages are all about, isn't it, Beryl?
14:19Your mum?
14:20No, my mum's got her own key, Geoffrey, except when she forgets it.
14:23And then she always sings when I'm calling you through the letter of off.
14:25Well, I don't have to introduce you two, do I?
14:38Well, not unless Mr. Geoffrey Scrimgeour's forgotten me.
14:42Um...
14:43Of course I haven't.
14:44Uh...
14:45Look, Craggy, how are you, um...
14:49I'm fine, thanks.
14:51Ah.
14:52Uh...
14:54You still, um...
14:55You still working at, uh...
14:57At the same place?
14:58Yeah.
14:58No.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:00Hey, tell you who I haven't seen for ages, um...
15:07You know, um...
15:10What's his name?
15:11He left, Geoffrey.
15:13Ah, well, that's probably the reason why I've not seen him.
15:16You've no idea who this is, have you?
15:19Of course I have.
15:20Um...
15:21Maureen Askew.
15:23Ha, ha.
15:24I'm sorry, Maureen.
15:24How are you?
15:25All right?
15:26LAUGHTER
15:26He's not changed much.
15:30Well, you've not changed much, Maureen.
15:31Neither has Vicky Schofield.
15:33You've changed a lot, Vicky.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35Didn't...
15:36Didn't you...
15:37Didn't you used to be...
15:38Didn't you used to be taller than me?
15:39Vicky's staying with me tonight.
15:42Oh.
15:44Great.
15:46You, um...
15:48You didn't tell me Vicky was staying with you, Beryl.
15:50Didn't I?
15:51No.
15:52Oh.
15:53Well, never mind, it doesn't matter, does it?
15:55No.
15:55And it is great seeing Vicky again, isn't it?
15:58A real gas.
16:00Great.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11Geoffrey!
16:14Oh.
16:14Hello, Mrs Battersby.
16:17Are you back from Altingham already, Mrs Battersby?
16:20You, er...
16:21You weren't expected back from Altingham until tomorrow morning.
16:24Apparently not.
16:27Ha-ha.
16:27I suppose you're, er...
16:28Surprised to find me in Beryl's bed, aren't you, Mrs Battersby?
16:32How's your lampshades?
16:34LAUGHTER
16:34Just remember, Geoffrey,
16:37that sin only ever triumphs, it never conquers.
16:41Still?
16:42Still what?
16:43Still, er...
16:44Still raining when you came in, was it?
16:45LAUGHTER
16:46I'll ask you once again.
16:49Where's my daughter?
16:50You've not asked me once yet, Mrs Battersby.
16:52Where is she?
16:53She's here.
16:54Oh.
16:55Beryl, would you kindly be good enough to tell me
16:57why you've got this young man in your bed?
16:59He was the only one that happened to be passing at the time.
17:02Oh, for goodness sake, Mother.
17:03Oh, for goodness sake, Mother.
17:05What, precisely?
17:06You're very good at finding wrong trees for barking up.
17:08And finding young men in your bed.
17:10That's not a young man, Mother.
17:11That's Geoffrey.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:13I'm asking you for an explanation, Beryl,
17:16not a definition.
17:17You're enjoying it for a second of it, aren't you?
17:19You should see her tut-tutting away in disgust
17:23when she reads the news of the world.
17:25Then she reads it again.
17:27And again.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:29Geoffrey.
17:33Geoffrey Bubbles Bon Bon.
17:35Oh, Beryl.
17:36Oh, Beryl.
17:43Hello, Beryl.
17:45Friends with me?
17:48Friends with you?
17:49Good morning.
17:51Good morning.
17:54And did Geoffrey sleep all right?
17:56And us a tea?
17:57Oh, wonderful.
17:58Thank you, Mrs Battersby.
17:59Really great.
18:00It's been a great night for you to end up looking as rough as you do.
18:03I've seen healthier-looking blokes qualify for burial grants.
18:08Beryl's mate turned up.
18:09Vicky.
18:10Oh, I see.
18:11Hey, what was it like with two of them?
18:13What do you mean?
18:14Oh, I don't mind, Geoffrey.
18:16I'm broad-minded.
18:18Well, there's a time and a place, Roland.
18:20Yeah, last night round at Beryl's place.
18:21What was it like?
18:23Pretty wild.
18:25Oh, fair.
18:27Who was Vicky?
18:28She's Beryl's chief bridesmaid.
18:30Oh.
18:31Well, a chief bridesmaid and the best man are supposed to get together sometimes.
18:34So, what's she like?
18:36Kind of dead foul and forget it, or fair and frantic for it.
18:40Oh, she's all right.
18:42Can't mad at all, really.
18:43Will she be there tonight?
18:49Roland's just locked in the car.
18:51Do you know, it's nearly quarter past ten.
18:53Ah, we went for a little spin up the M6.
18:56A little spin doesn't take till this hour.
18:58Yeah, we couldn't find our way off.
19:00It's snowing in Lancaster.
19:03You know, I bet that Vicky's going to really detest that Roland.
19:07I mean, I detest Roland, and I like everybody.
19:11Vicky's going to really detest who and why and when exactly.
19:14Oh, only Geoffrey's best man, Vicky, and I do mean only.
19:20Roland Lomax is the original Plumber's Nightmare.
19:23The biggest strip this side of Niagara.
19:30Is Roland Lomax in there, please?
19:33Well, the action is Otis, Beryl, baby.
19:35Er, Geoffrey, would you affect the introductions
19:38between Miss Schofield, the chief bridesmaid,
19:40and Mr Lomax, the best man?
19:42Dig.
19:43Dig.
19:46Ah, never wear beige, Beryl.
19:48Beige blips on a snake.
19:51Um, Miss Vicky Schofield, Mr Roland Lomax.
19:55Mr Roland Lomax, Miss...
19:56Miss Vicky...
19:57I thought Vicky detested men, Beryl.
20:08Geoffrey, it's extremely bad taste to whisper when others are present.
20:12If others weren't present, there'd be no point in whispering, would there?
20:15Oh, Vicky really seems to detest Roland.
20:22Oh, it's nothing to do with Roland, Geoffrey.
20:24It's just his sports car.
20:26She's momentarily under the spell of his sports car.
20:28It's only a very slow, suit-down 1962 MG, Beryl.
20:37Vicky!
20:37Vicky!
20:41Roland?
20:48Beryl's mum makes lampshades, Roland.
20:55I see, er...
20:56I see 43% were against going into the common market,
20:59although they said it was in the national interest.
21:02Golly, golly, gumdrops.
21:03I've got a really super-duper idea.
21:05Um, while both the chief bridesmaid and the best man are both available...
21:11They're very, very available.
21:13Er, I thought we might discuss their respective duties.
21:16We've got till next April, Beryl.
21:19Er, perhaps we could all make notes or something,
21:21so that we'd all know exactly, um,
21:24whom the bride gives her bouquet to
21:26after she's walked down the aisle to the altar.
21:31Anyone?
21:34No?
21:35Geoffrey?
21:37What would I do with it, Beryl?
21:40The bride gives the bouquet to the...
21:42to the chief bridesmaid, Geoffrey.
21:46There's nowhere like somebody else's house
21:47if you stop one night, is there?
21:54Er, tea and toast?
21:58Jungle woman?
22:01Geoffrey?
22:02Yes, please, Beryl.
22:06Oh, oh, um, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
22:09Um, are you back from altering them again?
22:14It's wanderlust, Geoffrey.
22:16I must go where the wild wind goes.
22:18What's that on the armchair, Beryl?
22:24Vicky and that roll and...
22:25Vicky and that rope?
22:30Oh.
22:32Oh, Mrs. Battersby, er...
22:34How are we tonight?
22:36I'm not sure how I am, Ronald,
22:37but you seem to be doing all right.
22:40Er, okay if we split, Dad.
22:43Sure.
22:44Great armchair, Mrs. Buttersby.
22:46That has be.
22:51Roland.
23:03Something wrong, Beryl?
23:04They only met about four minutes ago.
23:06Is that clock right, Beryl?
23:15As right as it was last night, Geoffrey.
23:18Oh, I see.
23:20You've missed your last bus again, haven't you?
23:23Well, I can always get a lift with Roland.
23:26It's only two seats, so what will you do with Vicky?
23:28I'll think of something.
23:31Good night.
23:32Good night.
23:32Good night.
23:32Good night.
23:36Good morning.
23:46We've, um...
23:48We've all...
23:49We've all missed the, uh...
23:51The last bus.
23:54Set here again.
23:55Where else?
23:56With Roland.
23:58Who else?
24:06What?
24:06Then we.
24:19See you later.
24:19Good night.
24:24Good night.
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