- 6 weeks ago
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00:00Rolf Harris, River Pollution or Family at War?
00:28Pardon?
00:28BBC One, Two or ITV?
00:32Wrestling.
00:33There is none.
00:36There would be if you put the light out and came and sat in the ring.
00:41Family at War.
00:49Funny, it's not working.
00:51Good.
00:53Oh, are they all on strike again?
00:56Beryl, as long as it's working in time for the next World Cup, who cares?
01:01Geoffrey?
01:02Yes, Beryl?
01:03Shall we play Scrabble with my mum?
01:04She's in bed entertaining a cold.
01:05Beryl?
01:06Yes, Geoffrey?
01:07No.
01:08Well, what are we going to do for the next three hours?
01:10There's no answer to that.
01:11Shall we talk?
01:12I'd like to, but my mouth's busy.
01:13Geoffrey, let's discuss something.
01:14What?
01:15I don't know.
01:16A topic of conversation.
01:17Are you thinking?
01:18Yes.
01:19About a topic of conversation?
01:20No.
01:21Oh, blow it.
01:22I know.
01:23I know.
01:24The truth game.
01:25Oh.
01:26Is that anything like Scrabble?
01:27We both have to say what we don't like about each other.
01:28Pardon?
01:29If I have some little mannerism that you find irritating and you tell me about it, I'll stop doing it.
01:32How are you thinking?
01:33Yes.
01:34About a topic of conversation?
01:35No.
01:36Oh, blow it.
01:37I know.
01:38What?
01:39The truth game.
01:40Oh.
01:41Is that anything like Scrabble?
01:42We both have to say what we don't like about each other.
01:45Pardon?
01:46If I have some little mannerism that you find irritating and you tell me about it, I'll stop doing it.
01:56I'll stop doing it.
01:57Well, there is one thing.
01:58What?
01:59Making up stupid games like this when we ought to be necking.
02:01So will you stop doing it, please?
02:03Geoffrey, you've got to be serious.
02:06There's nothing I don't like about you, Beryl.
02:09There must be something.
02:10Nothing.
02:11It isn't meant to be nasty.
02:13Just little unconscious mannerisms.
02:15Then we'll both stop doing it and love each other all the more.
02:18Good.
02:21Like crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
02:24Pardon?
02:25For example.
02:26Pardon?
02:27Crimson doesn't go with bottle green, love.
02:30Except on dragons.
02:34I thought they were trendy.
02:36No, love, not trendy.
02:37Revolting.
02:41And do they irritate you?
02:42No, love, not really.
02:43Hardly at all.
02:44Only when you wear them.
02:48Well, I won't wear them anymore.
02:50See, it works.
02:51Good game, isn't it?
02:52Great.
02:54Nothing personal.
02:56Honest.
02:57N-O spells no.
02:59Actually, Beryl, that gets a teeny bit irritating after the 500th time.
03:05Pardon?
03:07Well, you're always telling me what N-O spells.
03:09Now, even if I was a particularly bad speller from Tibet, I'd know by now.
03:15I don't say it often.
03:17All the time.
03:19That's only a figure of speech, Geoffrey.
03:21Oh, yes, and it's very nice and I like it.
03:23Only it gets a bit boring and I can't stand it.
03:26I shan't say it anymore, then.
03:28Good.
03:30What else?
03:31Pardon?
03:32Don't you like about me?
03:34Nothing, Beryl, you're perfect.
03:35Come back.
03:36I can hardly be perfect if I use irritating, boring, hateful figures of speech.
03:40Yes, well, that's all.
03:42Come back.
03:43Actually, Geoffrey, that's a teeny bit irritating to be absolutely truthful.
03:47What is?
03:48Well, a girl doesn't always feel in the mood for steaming passion three quarters of a second after she's been told she's irritating, boring and hateful.
03:56It doesn't matter, I just mention it.
04:00There's nothing to get upset about, Geoffrey.
04:02I'm not.
04:03I thought you were.
04:05I'm not.
04:06In the best circles, the man's supposed to grab the girl, not just say come back.
04:09Whenever I grab you, you say N-O spells no.
04:11Any more little criticisms of me that you've been bottling up inside week after week after week?
04:19No, Beryl, and I haven't, and they weren't.
04:22I haven't.
04:24Neither have I.
04:25Nor me.
04:27That's another thing you do, sulk.
04:31Who, me?
04:33No, Basil Brush.
04:34You're very sarcastic, you know.
04:39You're always sarcastic.
04:41When you're not giggling, that is.
04:44When do I giggle?
04:45In buscues, when you see Scotsmen in kilts.
04:49I wasn't giggling at him, I was giggling at you in embarrassment.
04:53What for?
04:55Nothing, I wasn't forget it.
04:57No, go on.
04:59Well...
05:02You what, funny?
05:05When?
05:06All the time.
05:09You're welcome.
05:12The truth never hurt anyone, Geoffrey.
05:14No, I know.
05:18You also sulk because England were knocked out of the World Cup six months ago.
05:24I thought you were going to start slimming.
05:26Are you trying to say I'm fat?
05:27Not trying, succeeding.
05:28You always hear my life's something to get hold of.
05:31Only when he's allowed to get hold of it.
05:35Pity by Bridget Bardot doesn't live in Altingham.
05:38Then you could chat her up on the bus to work.
05:40Yes, I could, couldn't I?
05:42And I don't suppose Paul McCartney walked a bit funny, does he?
05:45Probably not got colour-blind feet either.
05:47You like tall girls really, don't you?
05:51Tall and skinny.
05:53And blonde.
05:54Oh, I see.
05:55I just mention it.
05:56Oh, yeah.
05:57Granted.
05:58I appreciate that.
06:00I don't know why you bother going out with me at all.
06:02You also exaggerate.
06:04You have a very nasty streak in you, Geoffrey.
06:06Did you know that?
06:07No, no.
06:08I've not noticed it.
06:09No one's ever mentioned it in passing.
06:11Well, I'm very fond of you, you see.
06:13That's why I can see how nauseating you are.
06:16Naturally.
06:17Shall I tell you something particularly offensive about you?
06:21Yes, please. That'd be nice.
06:23When you kiss a girl goodnight,
06:24it isn't breathtakingly romantic to be looking at your watch at the same time.
06:28I don't.
06:29Every time.
06:30And I don't suppose Paul McCartney would, would he?
06:32Perhaps if you were kissing Bridget Bardot, you wouldn't either.
06:36I'm not the sort of fellow you fancy at all, am I, Beryl?
06:39Well, if we're being truthful.
06:40Sometimes I fancy you just about as much as Maltzy Tung's grandma,
06:43with all due respect.
06:46To his grandma.
06:48Would you say we're incompatible then?
06:49I wouldn't say it.
06:51I'd advertise it on the stands of the Aztec Stadium.
06:55Is that it then?
06:57Looks like it.
06:58Right.
07:02Well, goodbye, Beryl.
07:04Thanks for some great times.
07:06You too. It was fab.
07:07Wild.
07:10Take care of yourself.
07:13You can keep me Fleetwood Mac LP.
07:16Thanks.
07:19I'll often think of you.
07:20Of your eyes when you smile.
07:24Well, I'll think of your hair after you've been to the hairdressers after you've been caught in the rain.
07:32Well then.
07:33All the best.
07:34In the future.
07:36And every success to your loving mother in a lampshade making class.
07:42It's been a gas.
07:44Groovy.
07:45Goodbye, Geoffrey.
07:47Goodbye, Beryl.
07:49Why are you walking like that?
07:50You don't walk like that.
07:52People change.
07:56I won't wave from the window.
07:58I won't be looking back anyway.
07:59Oh, good.
08:01Goodbye, Beryl.
08:02Goodbye, Geoffrey.
08:03It's been a gas.
08:04Good response.
08:10Enter, but don't speak.
08:23Can I speak now?
08:24Yes, dear.
08:25I'm going to bed.
08:27Beryl, you're not on probation.
08:28You don't have to report your movements.
08:32Don't you think it's strange me going this early?
08:35Not if you want to.
08:37Not with Geoffrey, I hope.
08:40Hope, pray and trust.
08:42Geoffrey Scrimgeour's gone forever.
08:45Right. God bless them.
08:47Forever, I said.
08:49That's nice.
08:51I shan't be having any supper.
08:53No, love.
08:54I'll probably never eat again.
08:56That's nice.
08:58Mother, when I was little, you were worried if I didn't eat.
09:01Pardon, love?
09:02Oh, don't you want to know what's wrong with me?
09:05Oh, Beryl, what is wrong with you?
09:08Nothing, thank you.
09:10I've never been so happy in me life.
09:23I'm all right, thank you. Time's a great healer.
09:44Pardon?
09:46It's nothing physical.
09:48No.
09:50I'd rather not talk about it, thank you.
09:53No.
09:54No.
09:55No.
09:56No.
10:00No.
10:03Taxi!
10:04funny life
10:12I bet we'd have beaten Brazil in the final
10:16if we'd have beaten Italy in the semi-final
10:18if we'd have beaten Germany
10:34morning love
10:49cup of tea
10:54I'll try and force it down
10:55well it's not an Abyssinian mix grill
10:58and you're not suffering from mumps
10:59tea doesn't have to be forced down
11:02it trickles
11:03you've been a wonderful mother
11:05I'll probably never forget you
11:07thank you
11:08I'll try and remember you
11:10would you like some sackcloth and ashes
11:19to go with your face
11:20it's what you are that matters
11:22not what you look like
11:23and what are you
11:24apart from a little ray of sunshine with no eyeliner on
11:27fat and giggly
11:29is that what Geoffrey said
11:32I don't wish to mention that name
11:34is that why you aren't eating
11:36I'm not eating because I happen to be rather tragically heartbroken
11:40shall we put the radio on
11:42Tony Blackburn
11:43someone might have requested the last post
11:46I'll tell you who's a nice boy
11:55Terry Snape from around the corner
11:56especially now he's had his hair cut
11:58well he is
12:00he works at the co-op
12:01mother I don't want any boys
12:03ever
12:03I want to devote my life to looking after little children and animals
12:07I think I'll become a missionary in boots all night
12:10chemist piccadilly circus
12:11oh Beryl it's only three days
12:17you'll get over him
12:18over who?
12:20oh dear and you were so intelligent as a child
12:22Beryl believe me
12:25it wasn't true love with Geoffrey
12:27Geoffrey who?
12:28oh god
12:29I didn't even like him
12:32well who have you gone into mourning for then?
12:35Paul McCartney?
12:36I hate him
12:37why what's he done to upset you?
12:40nothing
12:41and I hope she's made him very happy
12:44lunch time
12:54I was just checking through the deposit account files for a minute
12:59Geoffrey
13:01you've got to eat at some time
13:03oh I
13:10I couldn't Roland
13:11one day perhaps when memory fades
13:16if it takes more than another three days I'm getting a transfer to the Hong Kong branch
13:19you mustn't worry about me Roland
13:23I'm not I'm worrying about me
13:24I'm fine
13:26honest
13:26did you think I was suffering inside or something
13:30no
13:32oh
13:34she used to like those
13:43what?
13:44salmon sandwiches
13:44crab paste
13:45oh
13:46she used to like those as well
13:49what?
13:50crab paste
13:50I don't
13:51no she wasn't keen
13:52she used to laugh sometimes and say
13:58I'm not keen
14:00she liked milk as well
14:04fantastic
14:05she used to say that
14:06fantastic she'd say and wrinkle up her little nose
14:10scrimger
14:11I'm not wrinkling up my nose even for you
14:13I wish you wouldn't talk about her
14:17it's all in the past now
14:18forgotten
14:19hippie puree
14:20she used to say that
14:21Geoffrey
14:22you only went out with her for five weeks
14:25you didn't even like the girl
14:27now there's millions of Dolly Birds in the world
14:30England, Venezuela, Norway, Sweden, Italy
14:32we might have beaten Italy in the semi-final
14:34if we didn't
14:34if we'd have played Osgood
14:36so grow up
14:37she used to say that
14:39Geoff
14:52you coming to Oscars party tomorrow, right?
14:56no
14:56I'll probably stay in and play me Fleetwood Mac Alpy
15:00on me own
15:02by myself
15:05you said you'd come
15:07yeah, well that was last week
15:09I said me and Beryl
15:10oh, come on your own
15:11I couldn't without her
15:13don't try and persuade me
15:15it'd be impossible
15:16there'd be loads of spare crumpet
15:20okay then
15:20fair rave up
15:49that's okay
15:52decent birds though
15:55thank you
15:58congratulations darling
16:14pardon
16:16the big blonde number
16:17bursting out of her trouser suit
16:19I'm Geoffrey Scrimjaw
16:36last of the big time groovers
16:37I don't happen to be attached
16:39I don't happen to be surprised
16:41I don't happen to be surprised
16:41great beat
16:42I don't happen to be convinced
16:44I don't know
16:45the big change
16:46I don't know
16:47I don't know
16:47live in but I don't know
16:48thank you
16:49hello
16:49hello
16:50hello
17:02thank you
17:03hello
17:04hello
17:05great beat isn't it
17:07great to dance to
17:10Do you agree that life's an onion?
17:16Pardon?
17:18If so, what's death?
17:20Erm...
17:21Banana.
17:21Yes.
17:23I expect it is, really, when you think about it.
17:26Have you read John Allegro's Mushroom and the Cross?
17:33No, but I think I've seen the film.
17:37Are you married?
17:39No.
17:41Grab yourself an adage.
17:43Marriage is a cabbage.
17:45Are you a poet?
17:47Never ask questions.
17:48Ask the answers.
17:50You are a poet.
17:52Trainee manager, Marks and Spencers.
17:58How are you, Durcher?
17:59I, er, I had this bad scene with this chick, so we decided to split, so I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
18:24Well, like, this cat only makes a scene where it's at, man.
18:34Love is a beautiful bag, baby.
18:36So, so, so, so, so, so if you want a piece of the action, don't call it.
18:43Dig?
18:43I, sorry, I no understand English.
18:49It's just, you know, I'm the one knows the other.
18:53It's just a nightmare.
18:53So, you know, I'll do that.
18:55It's just a matter of fact, I think it's just a matter of fact.
18:56But I've tried to figure it out.
18:59I've tried to figure it out.
19:00Evening.
19:01Evening.
19:01Evening.
19:02Evening.
19:04Evening.
19:05Okay.
19:06Fine, you.
19:07Great.
19:32Excuse me.
19:33Oh!
19:34Yes?
19:35You don't mind me asking you?
19:37Well, it depends on the question, really.
19:40Can you tell me where the Lou is?
19:44First on the left at the landing.
19:46Oh, Tar, you're a gentleman.
19:49Tar, you're not.
19:57Can I have this dance, please?
20:02No.
20:32Yes?
20:33You're a little girl.
20:34Are you all anyway?
20:36Yes?
20:37Only Mallory?
20:39Yes.
20:41Yes?
20:43Yes yes, sir.
21:16Evening.
21:17Evening.
21:19Enjoy the party?
21:21I hate it when all the boys keep pawing and mauling about.
21:24I wouldn't dance with them one-trap minds.
21:26A blonde raver asked me to go back to her place.
21:30I have my night school notes to copy out, though.
21:34Did you want your Che Guevara poster back?
21:37No, you can keep it as a memento.
21:39Thanks, I've burnt it.
21:45We just weren't compatible.
21:49Talked ourselves into thinking we liked each other.
21:52Pretending.
21:53Just because we happened to be with each other.
21:55Habit.
21:56Mr Heath could like Mr Wilson if they went steady for five weeks.
22:01All that Percy filth I used to try.
22:03And underneath, I couldn't stand the sight of you.
22:07And me going on about marriage.
22:08I wouldn't marry you if you were hand-carved, diamond-studded and had a cherry on the top.
22:15Oh, I feel a lot wiser now.
22:17Yeah, we've benefited from experience.
22:19We've become honest enough to speak the truth.
22:21Finally grown up.
22:23And we'll know for the future.
22:31We'll never pick the wrong ones again.
22:35Even if we never find the right ones.
22:38And we might not.
22:40Ever.
22:42We might each plough our lonely furrow through life, never knowing true happiness.
22:50Me boss.
22:53Well, goodbye, Beryl.
22:56Goodbye, Geoffrey.
23:00Beryl?
23:01What?
23:01Do you fancy pictures Wednesday night?
23:03Meet you outside the library at seven.
23:05Oh, Beryl.
23:10Oh, Percy filth.
23:12Percy filth.
23:15Hey, if we ever do get married, you can wear your crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
23:21In bed.
23:23Hey, Bill.
23:23pueden virgin.
23:26Watch out.
23:35Oh, boy.
23:37Ups.
23:40Cool.
23:42Cool.
23:43flames.
23:45Going back.
23:46Yeah.
23:47I'm sort of leaving some things.
23:48Good.
23:49Oh, well, quite right.
23:50I'm fine.
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