- 5 months ago
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00:00Music
00:04Music
00:08Music
00:14Music
00:20Music
00:26Music
00:28Music
00:34Why not Beryl? Because
00:36That's a pretty intelligent answer
00:38Because what? Because NO spells no
00:40That's an even more intelligent answer
00:42You only raise into Bamba Gascoigne
00:50Beryl? Yeah?
00:52Why won't you?
00:54Geoffrey, I happen on my Saturday morning off
00:56Only once a week to be drinking in the glories of the English countryside
01:06Birds do
01:08Birds and bees, they're always at it
01:12And sheep
01:14Sheep and rams
01:16I'm sorry Geoffrey
01:18One fluffy woolen dress does not a randy sheep make
01:26And don't say elephants do
01:28Elephants do
01:30In the comfort of their own jungle Geoffrey
01:32Never in a second class carriage on a cheap day return to Rochdale
01:36No one would see us Beryl
01:40What if 38 bishops got in at Oldham?
01:4438 what?
01:46Well 37 then
01:48At Oldham?
01:50Anything's possible, people laughed at zip fasteners once upon a time
01:52I still laugh at mine
01:54Never laughs back
01:56Oh everyone in there will be doing it
02:00Women's magazines are full of it
02:02Do you ever think of anything apart from Percy Filth?
02:06Do you ever think of anything apart from marriage?
02:10I haven't breathed the word
02:12Hardly four times in over a whole hour
02:14Even before we got on the train you said, isn't it fascinating
02:18There's no confetti sprinkled on the platform
02:22Merely as a scientific observation that there were no honeymooners on the train
02:26Oh Luke, I happen to remark
02:28No one's just got married
02:30That's the opposite of mentioning it
02:32Are you mad at me?
02:42No, of course not
02:46Are you with me?
02:48Don't be silly
02:54Beryl?
02:56Why are we going to visit Mr and Mrs Appleton in Rochdale?
03:00Sandra was my best friend at work and I was her chief bridesmaid
03:04I've hundreds of friends who weren't her chief bridesmaid
03:06Can't we visit them instead?
03:08We're on the train, aren't we?
03:10Anyway, I want to see her home
03:12and baby
03:14and see how happy they are married
03:18You mean you want to show me how happy they are?
03:20MI5 call it brainwashing
03:22Come on!
03:24I'm fed up
03:26Geoffrey, please don't be like a hunted rabbit all afternoon
03:28We'll spoil their married bliss
03:36That thing's crying again
03:42You're its proud father
03:44You're its incompetent mother
03:46Boo!
03:48Belt up!
03:50Anyone at home?
03:52What the hell's that?
03:54Probably Beryl and a boyfriend
03:56Already?
03:58Oh hell
04:00If they can't climb over, they're probably in the middle of the lawn indulging in Percy's filth
04:04Oh God
04:12Hello there!
04:14Shut your face!
04:1580 words a minute, not counting, swear words batters base
04:18Sandra, you look fabulous
04:20Hello Neville, your favourite bridesmaid
04:22Great to see you Dorothy
04:24Beryl
04:26Honestly, him and his sense of humour
04:28What?
04:30He loves Huey Green
04:32Oh and this is Geoffrey, is it?
04:36It's what?
04:38Yes he is, aren't you Geoffrey?
04:42Aren't you Geoffrey?
04:44What?
04:46He has the same sense of humour as Neville
04:50Pleased to meet you Geoff, baby
04:52Oh, pleased to meet you Mr Appleton
04:56And we're pleased to meet this little fella, aren't we?
05:00Yes we are, yes
05:02Oh he's gorgeous
05:04Geoffrey come and look at Shane
05:06And look at Shane
05:17Belt up!
05:20Children certainly bring a couple together, don't they Geoffrey?
05:24They sort of, well
05:26Bring a couple together
05:28Geoffrey, say something
05:30How old is he Mrs Appleton?
05:40Eight months
05:42And er, how long have you been married?
05:45Twelve months
05:51He certainly brought you two together, didn't he?
05:56Right
05:57Everybody hungry?
05:58Yes
05:59No
06:00No, that is
06:01I er, I had a wine gum on the train
06:03Let's all just sit and say hello for a minute
06:06Ah, take a pew Geoff, baby
06:08Oh, thank you
06:12Oh, wouldn't Mrs Appleton like to?
06:14Oh, thank you
06:15Go on, park your car, cos she's alright
06:18She likes standing
06:19Thank you
06:22Er, Beryl
06:23No, no, you men sit
06:25You are the lords and masters
06:27Well, here we are
06:32In your little love nest
06:37Your garden of Eden
06:39Your home
06:42Your husband or wife, as the case may be
06:46Your little one
06:50Your garden of Eden
06:51I said that once
06:54It's a lot of hard work, a garden
06:56Oh, it is
06:58Back-breaking
07:00Back-breaking
07:01It is
07:03It's too much for any man
07:05Too much for any man
07:07Much too much
07:09Pardon?
07:11Sandra does it
07:13Pardon?
07:14She likes it
07:24I adore your colour scheme
07:26The house like
07:28Lemon woodwork
07:30Did you do it all yourself, Neville?
07:32Mr Appleton is a very busy man
07:33He's out at work all day working, sweating his brows off
07:38Decorating your love nest isn't work, Geoffrey
07:41It's a pleasure
07:43True, it's very true
07:45See?
07:47Oh
07:48You didn't get a man in, did you, Neville?
07:50No, Cassie didn't
07:52A woman
07:54Pardon?
07:55Pardon?
07:56She likes it
07:58Ladders and things, blow lamps
08:01Of course, I always put the brushes in the turps afterwards
08:03That's my job, isn't I?
08:04Just like in there
08:11Well, so long as someone gets the pleasure
08:14No, no one did actually
08:16Pardon?
08:18It's supposed to be white
08:20The lemon is the yellow undercoat showing through
08:23Oh
08:27Very nice
08:33Well, when's the happy day then?
08:38Oh, you mean the day to the next World Cup, Munich 1974
08:41No, not the World Cup, you two
08:43He is lovable at times
08:45Ours, Geoffrey
08:47Our happy day
08:49We don't play football
08:50I mean, when are you getting married?
08:55He knows what you mean, he got five O levels
08:58We haven't fixed an actual date just yet
09:01What's stopping you?
09:02Oh, there's plenty of time, yeah, Bachelor gay
09:04No time, Bachelor be beggared
09:06Pardon?
09:08Lovely girl like that, shaped like a little sponge pudding like wives are supposed to be
09:12Well, don't just sit there, marry her
09:14Pardon?
09:15He said, don't just sit there, marry her
09:16I heard what he said
09:20Only been here two minutes
09:23He is rather dishy, isn't he?
09:26I bet you couldn't keep your hands off him on the train
09:28No
09:32I had to in case 38 bishops got on at Oldham
09:35It's not making you wa-
09:38You're not making her wait, are you?
09:42So she'll marry you?
09:44Pardon?
09:46Well, I appreciate your animal desires, Beryl
09:50By all means, try and force him to yield
09:52But whatever you do, promise me you won't marry him
09:54No, you won't marry him
09:55It's your duty to marry him
09:57Love, honour and obey
09:59You can't have the first without the other two
10:01Don't you dare make her marry you
10:03Nice, innocent girl like that
10:05Ignore my wife, she's my wife
10:08Ignore my husband
10:10It's a pig
10:18Belt up thing
10:19It's a pig
10:45Three tonnes of soil had to dig for that little garden of Eden
10:47If I ever see navvies digging up the road, my knees go all wobbly and I'll start crying for my mother
10:53The police have to bring me home in a squad car
10:56Sandra, what you were saying though, about not getting married
11:00I mean, you look fabulous on your wedding day
11:03Apart from Mrs Whittle spilling a trifle on your mandarin collar
11:06Do you like garlic?
11:08No
11:09I don't, may well
11:11Sandra, you can't mean what you said about not getting married
11:14Beryl, take four human beings
11:16Now if two are sat sunbathing
11:19And two are stood slaving in a hot kitchen
11:21For the two that are sat sunbathing
11:23Which two fools are the women?
11:25Hmm?
11:26It's all gone, isn't it?
11:37It's funny though, I can't seem to sit without fidgeting
11:41Not since the World Cup finished
11:43Especially in front of the telly
11:45I keep waiting for action replays
11:46Mr Appleton
11:51Mr Appleton
11:53Mr Appleton, what you were saying before
11:56About Beryl being like a sponge pudding in that ashen...
11:59Sandra!
12:03It's only dropped its rattle
12:04True
12:06Sandra!
12:08Shall I pick it up?
12:09No, Sandra likes to
12:11What?
12:13Rattle
12:15Sorry
12:18Belt up thing
12:19You see, now there's an example of what I was saying before about the World Cup
12:31I would now like to see her do all that again
12:35In slow motion
12:36But Sandra, it's nice looking after them and being married
12:42You've done wonders for Neville
12:44He's so serene now and settled down
12:46Dead actually
12:49A great fossilised pig
12:53I think I'll leave him to the British Museum in me will
12:56Everything alright now, oh great fossilised pig?
13:01Where are my cigarettes?
13:02Cigarettes
13:05Oh, go berserk with the onions love
13:07Men like anything that makes the breath smell
13:09Geoffrey doesn't?
13:10Well he's not married
13:11Sandra, cigarettes
13:13So, how's the office limping along without me these days?
13:16Oh so so
13:18Betty Ironside's engaged
13:20To a docker
13:21Well he was a docker, he's now opened a boutique selling padded knickers
13:26Cigarettes Sandra
13:28Padded what?
13:29For girls with thin bottoms
13:30And Lucy Jackson got married in August
13:34Sandra!
13:35Yes!
13:37Keep shouting
13:39Where are my cigarettes?
13:42Where are his cigarettes?
13:44Has he tried his pockets?
13:47Have you tried your pockets?
13:49Of course I've tried my pockets
13:52Of course he's tried his pockets
13:54Both?
13:56Both?
13:57Okay, got them
14:01Okay
14:03Yeah, go on, Lucy Jackson what?
14:04What?
14:05Oh yeah, Lucy Jackson got married in August
14:07Sandra!
14:08Oh God!
14:12You called?
14:14Flower?
14:18Matches
14:19Very matches, don't you see?
14:20Very matches, don't you see?
14:26Sandra!
14:27Either learn to throw straight or don't be so damn lazy
14:31Geoffrey's had to go half way down the garden for them
14:33Thanks Geoff, baby
14:39Mr. Appleton
14:44About sponge pud- no, marriage that is
14:51Geoff, baby, why do you go out with her?
14:55Well, she's a fair bird, isn't she?
14:59Well, we like to play the field, you know
15:02No
15:03Pardon?
15:04I don't know
15:06Well, all fellas, single fellas that is
15:10We like to pool the birds, don't we?
15:13We don't though, do we?
15:14We all think we will, but we don't
15:17And if we do, we wish we hadn't
15:19Pardon?
15:20Geoff, baby
15:22Deep down
15:23You know
15:24And I know
15:25You're looking for a wife
15:26I'm not!
15:27I'm not!
15:28All men are
15:29That's why you're playing the field
15:31Only you're kidding yourself, it's the other way round
15:33Mr. Appleton, what about the role of Beckenbauer in England's 3-2 defeat in Mexico?
15:37You've got your hands somewhere though, haven't you?
15:39No
15:40Jane Fonda
15:41Don't be damned
15:42Julie Andrews
15:43Bridget Bardo
15:44Oh, now she's great
15:45Bridget Bardo is great
15:47She's great
15:48They all are
15:49And the joke is, her fella would be trying to pull Beryl if he could see him
15:54And I'll tell you something else
15:55Bridget Bardo wouldn't be stood in that kitchen, peeling spuds
15:59And I'll tell you the unkindest cut of all if you're man enough to take it
16:02Oh, yes, Mr. Appleton
16:04She wouldn't have you
16:05Thank you
16:07Anything else?
16:08Yes
16:09Grow up
16:13And then patting the wages off his married Antonio of Antonio and Jason, the ladies' hairdressers
16:17Only Antonio's real name is Arnold
16:19And...
16:20Well, everyone's getting married
16:22Well, haven't you any news?
16:24Oh, yeah, the girl next door but one got divorced last week
16:27Diversion
16:28Oh, and the one across the road with the yellow curtains
16:31Adultery
16:32Oh, that was a juicy one
16:33Oh, yeah, and the girl at the launderette, she separates after two days
16:36Sandra!
16:37You didn't mean all that Percy filth, did you?
16:44About making him yield to my animal passions and all that
16:49Shut your face
16:50Be honest
16:51Why'd you go out with him?
16:53I love him
16:54I think
16:55Well?
16:56I wanted to get married, I thought
16:58Because everybody else's?
16:59Or because his sideboards tickle your nose when you're nibbling his earlobes?
17:04Neither
17:05Both
17:07I don't know anybody else
17:11Do you remember that office party, Beryl?
17:14The one where we all got tiddly on egg flips
17:17And we all had to tell our innermost secret desires into the dictaphone
17:21That was 16 months ago when I was young
17:25And what was it that you said you wanted to do most in the world?
17:33Did we put salt in the potatoes?
17:37It wanted to get married, was it?
17:39No
17:41Nor even to Lee Marvin?
17:43No
17:45Nor even to Paul McCartney?
17:47No
17:48It was to do something to Paul McCartney though, wasn't it?
17:56I'd had two shandies as well as the egg flip, Sandra
18:02I rest my case
18:05Percy Filth
18:08And is Mrs Appleton happy?
18:10Aesthetic!
18:13She doesn't often look it often
18:15Geoff!
18:16The baby
18:18We're kind and courteous to girls all the time when we're single, right?
18:22I am
18:23Well they don't like it
18:25That's why they all want to get married so that we will shout at them
18:30Oh!
18:31Beryl!
18:41Beryl!
18:45Beryl!
18:49Beryl!
18:51Yes Geoffrey?
18:52My stomach's very disappointed in you
18:55Pardon?
18:57I thought you were making lunch
18:59It's almost ready Geoffrey
19:02Good, wheel it out when it is
19:05We've laid the table in the kitchen
19:08My dream dungeon, as I like to call it
19:12Geoff, baby's right, we'll have it out here
19:14Yeah, we've just got comfortable, you see
19:16Be reasonable
19:24Well shall Sandra and me swing on the clothesline for a bit?
19:27Pardon?
19:31We want to sit down
19:33There are no more deck chairs
19:37No Geoffrey, there aren't are there?
19:40Just those two
19:42It's a good job the concrete's not wet then
19:45Oh!
19:47Four spoons of sugar on my grapefruit, love
19:50And five for Neville, baby
19:52Geoffrey
19:54Geoffrey
19:56Geoffy bubbles bonbons
19:57Mmm
20:00I'm here
20:03True, very true, Beryl baby
20:05Geoffrey
20:07What?
20:09May I please sit next to you, please?
20:12Oh, I've got a job
20:14Look out!
20:16I've got a job
20:19Geoffrey
20:21Geoffrey
20:22You got a job
20:24Geoffrey
20:25Please sit next to you, please.
20:27True. Very true. Yes, it is.
20:30Geoffrey!
20:31Before you can start behaving like an old married man,
20:33you've got to be a newlywed and before you can be that,
20:35you've got to be married in the first place!
20:38You what, love?
20:39I'm not Beryl, baby, and you're not Neville,
20:41and you shouldn't have picked up those matches for him in the garden.
20:43And stop it!
20:48They're a nice couple, aren't they?
20:49She is.
20:55Are you smiling at me?
20:58You are like a little sponge pudding, aren't you?
21:05Do you like gardening, Belle?
21:08No.
21:09No cooking, no decorating.
21:11I'm very bad at it.
21:12Them. Both. All three.
21:15Why?
21:17Just wondering.
21:18Oh, well, I don't know. I never thought about...
21:22What were you thinking about?
21:25You like cooking, though, Beryl, don't you?
21:28You read about it in magazines.
21:30Yeah.
21:31No, only to look at the pictures.
21:33Geoffrey, cooking and gardening and decorating for someone
21:35is a very big step in life
21:36and should be a partnership based on mutual.
21:39One Neville is a big, fat pig and...
21:42What are you proposing, Geoffrey?
21:50Who, too?
21:52You're Beryl Bobble's bonbon.
21:55When?
21:56You nearly did, didn't you?
21:59Oh, Geoffrey.
22:01What?
22:02You nearly, nearly did.
22:04I'm about to rain burning kisses on your ruby lips.
22:06I've been eating onions and garlic.
22:08I don't care.
22:09Beryl.
22:10A little Percy filth, aren't you?
22:12You nearly, nearly proposed.
22:14Wow.
22:15Beryl, we're on British railways.
22:16Are you scared I'll force you to yield to my animal passions?
22:20No, of course not.
22:23Why, will you?
22:24I'm not.
22:27Honest?
22:28You never know.
22:29But what if 38 bishops get on at Oldham?
22:33It's not 38 bishops I'm attempting.
22:36Oh, Beryl.
22:37Oh, Geoffrey.
22:39Oh, Geoffrey.
22:40Oh, Beryl.
22:41I feel as though the whole world's slowing down in space.
22:45Slowing.
22:46Slowing.
22:48Not the world.
22:49Pardon?
22:50The train.
22:52Holdham!
22:54Holdham?
22:55Well, don't blame me, love.
22:57I'm not the Minister of Town and Country Planning.
23:06Nice to see you at home.
23:10It's going to be very tight.
23:12Very nice to meet.
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