- 2 days ago
The Bernie Mac Show is a beloved comedy series that showcases Bernie Mac’s unique humor, sharp wit, and unforgettable storytelling 😂🔥 When Bernie and his wife take in his sister’s three children, everyday family life turns into hilarious chaos. Packed with heart, laughs, and life lessons, this sitcom remains a fan favorite and a television classic.
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#berniemacshow #berniemac #sitcom #comedy #classiccomedy #comedygold #familycomedy #tvseries #funnyclips #tvclassics #cultclassic #comedymoments #throwbacktv #2000stv #entertainment #retroshows #iconicshows #viralvideo #fyp #explorepage #nostalgia #television #comedyshow #legendarycomedy #dailymotion #mustwatchtv #classicseries #laughoutloud #familysitcom #tvlegend
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FunTranscript
00:17American, Bernie Mac just got taken for a fool.
00:21I mean, there I was, driving the kids to school, minding my own business,
00:25went out of nowhere, bam, bam, I got cornered by these two women.
00:28I call them hustlers and minivans, that's what they were.
00:32Tell me they're going to cut me in on a great deal called a carpool.
00:35Instead of me driving the kids to school five days a week,
00:38I only got to drive them two.
00:41Sound like a good deal, right?
00:42Yeah, a deal with the devil.
00:45Yeah, a deal with the devil.
00:48Nasty little egg-a-bite is messing up my doggone car.
00:51They ought to be a law.
00:52American ain't right.
00:59El-medio, El-medio, what in the hell?
01:03Jordan, Jordan, up again.
01:05Pay attention now, come on.
01:07It's right over, oh, you make them air muffins.
01:10Oh, trust me, it smells like eggs.
01:12I did not.
01:13Oh, okay, okay, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan.
01:17Don't think I can't warm you behind the drive at the same time.
01:20That's why I got all that matters.
01:22You ought to doggone yonder to have that type of set.
01:24Now, look here, where's Stephen out?
01:26You passed this, the yellow one was...
01:28You did it again, Dad.
01:31Okay, all right, all right, all right.
01:33You want to play, right?
01:35Yeah.
01:35You think you can hang with the big boys, huh?
01:38You don't think you can hang with the big boys?
01:39Now, see how you like the smell of burning...
01:41burning my in the morning.
01:43Yeah.
01:44Get a whiffin' out of the room.
01:46Oh.
01:50Hi, I'm so sorry.
01:52There's a zoo in here.
01:54Stephen, hurry up!
01:56Hi.
01:57You must be Bernie.
01:59I'm Betty, pleased to meet you.
02:01It's a pleasure.
02:02I'm so glad you're doing the carpooling with us.
02:05Stephen, you got five seconds!
02:10Ow!
02:11Ow!
02:12Ow!
02:30Come on, Kev, we got 20 minutes.
02:32No nerves on this side.
02:33Other side.
02:38Sorry, fatty.
02:39Other side.
02:40Let him in.
02:43This side's broken, look!
02:45Now, play.
02:46Let him in, now!
02:50Sorry!
02:54How come nobody told me it's gonna be like this?
02:56Y'all should have stopped me.
02:58Those some bad kids, America, and I mean bad kids.
03:01I can't do this a whole school year.
03:03Uh-uh.
03:04Things about to change, America.
03:06Those kids are gonna learn about carpooling.
03:08Burning my style.
03:09Now, I mean, they're gonna get a little driver education.
03:14Yeah, breaking wind and...
03:16Okay.
03:24Y'all in?
03:25Now, I want y'all to listen up.
03:26Because here's how it's gonna be.
03:28There'll be no breaking wind up in this car.
03:31Only gas that I want to smell will be unleaded.
03:35Okay?
03:35I want you in here.
03:37I want your butt seated.
03:38Buckled.
03:39I want you clenched and quiet.
03:42Now, rule number two.
03:44Burning Mac will not be kept waiting.
03:46My time is precious.
03:49You understand that?
03:50You got 15 seconds.
03:52I want you ready before I pull up.
03:54And then you'll get one courtesy beat.
03:57Sound like this.
03:58After that, you got 15 seconds.
04:01Not 16, not 17.
04:03Let me break it down like a fraction.
04:04Okay, I don't care if Holly Berry is loaded on wine coolers
04:09and she's wearing her Oscar dress.
04:11You better get her out here in 15 seconds.
04:14If not, you all both gonna be a sweet pitcher
04:17in my rearview mirror.
04:18You understand?
04:19How many beeps?
04:20Just one, blubber butt.
04:22Just one, Kevin.
04:25Now, for the entire ride, I want complete silence.
04:29Okay?
04:30Only thing I want to hear is, thank you, Mr. Mac,
04:32and that's only when I'm slowing down
04:34and I'm gonna get ready to shove y'all out.
04:36You can't do that.
04:37Who said I can't do it?
04:39My dad's a lawyer.
04:40He'll sew your pants off.
04:41Keep on talking.
04:43Keep on talking.
04:44You can wish your pepper with all the dollars.
04:46Okay?
04:47Now, you write that down, you know.
04:49All right, from here on in?
04:50Shut up!
04:51There!
04:52Now, let's do some carpooling.
04:55My daddy's a lawyer.
04:56Who gives up?
04:57Keep on running for me
05:00Keep on running for my love
05:04All running, yeah
05:07Keep on running for my love
05:11Some false thing that you're really, really fine
05:14All you're gonna be is just a trend of mine
05:18But I know
05:20Man, the word's gonna break your heart
05:23And you'll be sad and feel so
05:26Yeah
05:28I'm gonna lie, but I'm not
05:30I keep on running
05:35I'm running for my love
06:05Thank you, Mr. Matt!
06:07Now, what time this afternoon?
06:092.35
06:10All right, gang, let's synchronize our watches
06:16I don't have a watch
06:19That boy's a little challenge
06:20But he's a good kid
06:22They're all good kids
06:23They just need the fear of Matt put in them
06:26Because, see, kids respond to strength
06:28They look for that in their leader
06:29I mean, no offense, America
06:31But, see, most of these carpool drivers
06:32Are the weak soccer moms
06:34In those softball days
06:35Y'all know what I'm talking about
06:37But, America
06:38Don't be weak
06:39Get your kids synchronized
06:42People
06:45Keep on learning
06:48It ain't no sense to synchronize our watches
06:53Keep on learning
07:00Keep on learning
07:06Come here
07:07Apologize
07:09Sorry
07:09Not you
07:10You
07:11Say it again
07:12Give it back to him
07:14You come on
07:15Shut up
07:19He's sorry
07:20Yeah
07:21But not as sorry he's gonna be
07:28America
07:29Jordan picking on somebody
07:30Who in the hell
07:32Do he think he is
07:33Well, seem to me
07:34That he finally found
07:35Someone weaker than he is
07:37And got a little taste of power
07:38And, America
07:39We all know that power corrupts
07:41But not no more
07:43From now on
07:44Jordan's gonna be nice to that boy
07:46And, in fact
07:47He's gonna be friends
07:48Best friends
07:51Yeah, okay
07:53We'll see
07:55Hey, Kevin
07:56Come on in
07:58Wow, I'm so glad you can make it
08:00Hey, Jordan
08:00Your friend Kevin's here
08:03Jordan's really excited that you come
08:05Oh, well, here he is
08:06Hey, Jordan
08:07Your friend Kevin
08:09Both of us
08:09We so glad you can make it
08:10Aren't we, Jordan?
08:12Come on in
08:13Hey
08:16If you touch it again
08:17I will kill you
08:18You should use the gun bait
08:20To poxy
08:20Just don't touch anything
08:23Well, what do you want to do then?
08:27Alright, who wants some milk and cookies?
08:29Kevin, Jordan, why y'all not playing?
08:31I'm getting a dude
08:33What you mean you ain't got nothing to do?
08:34Show him a magic trick
08:35Kevin, you like magic?
08:37Yeah
08:37Well, good
08:37Show him a magic trick
08:38Show him when you chop your finger off
08:40Hey
08:41What do you mean?
08:42I'll show it to you, Kevin
08:43Here it is
08:45Now, watch this, Kevin
08:47Watch this
08:48Slide this up like that
08:49Put this in there
08:51And
08:51Voila!
08:52Don't break it
08:53I'm not gonna break it
08:54I know what I'm doing
08:55Good, now put your finger in there
08:57I'm scared
08:58Come on in there
08:58I'm just gonna chop your finger
08:59I'll put it in there
09:00Alright, don't be scared
09:01Look
09:01You put your finger in there
09:02And
09:03Oh!
09:04Oh!
09:05Oh!
09:06Look at that
09:07Kevin, Kevin
09:08It's a toy
09:08See, I got it on my fingers
09:10Look
09:10Look
09:14I hate him
09:16Don't say that
09:16Don't say that
09:18Okay, America
09:19Between you and me
09:21That Kevin's strange
09:22I'm talking circus strange
09:24But I don't mean she'll be picked on
09:26No, no
09:26See, Jordan gotta learn
09:28You gotta do right about people
09:30Even circus people
09:33Hi!
09:35Ted Ross, we talked on the phone
09:37This is my boss, Pat
09:38Hi, Pat
09:39Thank you so much for having Kevin over
09:41You boys have a good time?
09:43You're late
09:44Take him
09:44Uh, uh, we, uh
09:46We was just getting ready to invite Kevin on for dinner
09:49How would you all like to join us?
09:51That sounds great
09:52Yeah, we don't have any plans
09:53Good, good
09:54I'll just say I want to prepare for three
09:56Hey, I hope you like meatlo
09:57Oh, yeah, yeah
09:59No potatoes, though
10:00I'm on the zone
10:0116 pounds in six months
10:05Meatloaf, so exotic
10:10You keep it up
10:11I'm telling you right now
10:12You're gonna be here 24-7
10:13Alright, you'll find yourself with a new brother
10:16Now you keep it up
10:22The mistake most people make on the zone is with corn
10:25They think it's a vegetable
10:26It's not
10:28It's a carbohydrate
10:29And that's bad news
10:31Yeah, I've been corn-free for how long now, honey?
10:35Four months
10:35Yeah
10:39That's nice
10:40You still crave it at times, believe me
10:42What I wouldn't do for a piece of cornbread
10:49That's a nice shirt, Bernie
10:50Looks expensive
10:51Guess how much mine was
10:54Uh, I don't do that
10:56Go ahead, come on, guess, guess, guess
10:58It's not my style
10:59It's okay, come on, guess
11:03Uh, seven dollars
11:05Try 75 cents
11:08Flea market
11:09Pat and I, we are quite the little bargain hunters
11:13Every weekend we're out there
11:14You should come with us
11:16My God, he's boring
11:18I mean, he got nothing to say
11:21No wonder Kevin's such a nerd
11:23He never stood a chance
11:25So what you want
11:26I just got stuck in the car
11:27Poor Kevin
11:29He got stuck in the gene pool
11:31They got ceiling lamps
11:32They got kitchen lamps
11:33This is some bull
11:34Desk lamps, bedroom lamps
11:36We found a table
11:37Just like this
11:38Except it's for Michael with metal legs
11:40For $28
11:40Saw the same thing at Levitt's
11:42Two hundred dollars
11:44Uh, yeah
11:46I think we did all right
11:50You know, I've been looking for some Adirondack chairs
11:53And I heard you can get them cheap at the swap meet
11:57When's the next one?
11:58Next Sunday, 6.30 sharp
12:00But you gotta get there early
12:01Because all the sharks will show up
12:08You know what?
12:09Bernie, we're free
12:10Let's do it
12:11Um, babe, I don't want to impose on that time
12:14Oh, no, no, no
12:15Our boys are best friends now
12:17That makes us pals too
12:19Those are the rules
12:23Rules
12:24Like hell those are the rules
12:25These people need to eat and run
12:27I don't want to be his friend
12:29Listen, America
12:30Listen how boring he is
12:31I'm not allowed to have a dog
12:33Not since the accident
12:35Okay
12:36Yeah
12:36I bit a dog and he bit me back
12:41I have to put ointment on every day
12:43Man's best friend don't even like
12:44I found so many things
12:46I found a wall
12:47Just a wall
12:48Sitting right out in the middle of that
12:49And we needed a wall
12:50I hate him
13:16Okay
13:18Yeah
13:18Uncle Bernie
13:19Shh
13:20Oh, it's okay
13:23There you go
13:24Thanks, Uncle Bernie
13:25It's all right, big fella
13:54Hey!
13:58Beat it, nerd.
14:00So, Jordan, what time should I come over to your house today?
14:03I don't know what you're talking about, dork.
14:07Look what you made me do.
14:09Sorry.
14:12What are you doing here?
14:14You know there's no nerd's table.
14:16Yeah, I know.
14:17And I also know what you did last night.
14:20I don't know what you're talking about.
14:22Don't worry.
14:23I don't know anyone.
14:24You better not.
14:25Under one condition.
14:27As of today, you're my best friend.
14:31Okay, okay, you can come over.
14:33Uh-uh.
14:34At school, best friend.
14:37No.
14:43Coming, Jordan?
14:45Oh, my God.
14:48I knew he was a nerd.
14:49Aw.
14:5185.
14:5290.
14:5595 and a dollar.
14:58And I'll raise you a dollar.
15:01Five.
15:02Ten.
15:03Whoops, I dropped one.
15:05Fifteen.
15:06Whoa.
15:07That's a button.
15:08How'd that get in there?
15:09Okay, I better start over.
15:11Here we go.
15:12Five.
15:13Five.
15:13Ten.
15:14Fifteen.
15:15It's a buffalo nickel.
15:16Look at that.
15:17It's a buffalo nickel.
15:18You know where the buffaloes first came from?
15:20The buffalo nickels?
15:22Buffalo, New York.
15:23That's why they call them buffalo nickels.
15:24The longest night of my life.
15:27Three hours and we only played six hands.
15:29I gotta cut this guy loose.
15:34America, you know what?
15:37Jordan learned his lesson.
15:38He don't have to be friends with that boy anymore.
15:41You're doggone right.
15:42He don't even like the damn kid.
15:44Now all I need to do, I gotta get him to break up with Fatty so I can dump his
15:48daddy.
15:49What are you saying?
15:50Cluster's playing with two people.
15:52I play with one all the time.
15:53Oh, what's up, the man?
15:55Hey, Kevin.
15:56Hey, Jordan.
15:57I see you got your friend Kevin with you.
15:59That's real nice.
16:01Come here.
16:02Now you want you to get rid of him.
16:04What?
16:04You heard what I said.
16:05I want you to get rid of him.
16:07You don't have to be his friend.
16:08You learn your lesson.
16:09And Uncle Bernie is so proud of you.
16:11Now kick him to the curb.
16:12Um, that's okay.
16:14He's kind of my friend now.
16:16What?
16:17Jordan, you telling me you want to be his friend?
16:18You like this kid?
16:19Our relationship is a little more complicated than that, Uncle Bernie.
16:23Jordan!
16:24Uh, Uncle Bernie, I gotta go.
16:26He doesn't like when I keep him waiting.
16:28Coming, Kevin.
16:30Coming.
16:33This is some bill.
16:35I don't understand.
16:36They're friends now.
16:38Oh, Lord.
16:41All right.
16:42Oh, well.
16:43I might as well get used to it.
16:45I made this band.
16:46I might as well let Jordan be in, huh?
16:47Yeah, you're right.
16:48And you know something else, America?
16:50I shouldn't concentrate on my misery.
16:52At least the boys are having a good time.
16:53That's the only thing that's important, right?
16:56Ow!
16:59It's a circle, ladies.
17:00It's not a pit.
17:02Move!
17:07God!
17:07God!
17:08Knock it off!
17:09What are you gonna do about it?
17:10Nerd.
17:11I'm not a nerd!
17:12You're a nerd lover!
17:14I'm not a nerd lover!
17:15I hate him!
17:16What's going on, son?
17:17Ring, ring!
17:18Emergency phone call for Baron Von Pisspants!
17:21You know what?
17:22Go ahead and tell him I don't care anymore.
17:24Go ahead.
17:25What are you talking about, Jordan?
17:26He blackmailed me, Uncle Bernie.
17:28He blackmailed me.
17:30He said if I wasn't his friend,
17:31he'd tell everybody that I pee the band, right?
17:34But you know what?
17:35I'd rather have no friend than be friends with you.
17:38Oh, my Lord.
17:39Kevin, is this true?
17:41You doing this to my nephew?
17:50Yeah, Kevin, I guess this is your stop, huh?
17:53Yeah, and I trust you trying to find another carpool arrangement, huh?
17:57You and your daddy have a nice life.
18:00But...
18:00Hey, Kevin, shut my door.
18:08Teddy's gone.
18:09Teddy's gone.
18:10I got some nerves.
18:11He won't get on.
18:14Come on, America.
18:21Uh, hey, uh...
18:22Hey, Kevin, uh, Ted.
18:24What y'all doing here?
18:25Didn't Kevin tell you we ain't...
18:26I mean, uh, the boys ain't friends?
18:28Bernie, I heard what happened with the kids.
18:30It's terrible.
18:31No, it's tragic.
18:33Kevin loved Jordan.
18:35I know he feels bad about what he did,
18:36so I brought him over to apologize.
18:38There is no reason these kids can't be friends.
18:41Uh, uh, uh, no, no.
18:42You know what, Ted, that's a terrible idea.
18:44For all the obvious reasons.
18:46One, you're teaching your son to be weak.
18:48And that's not a good idea.
18:50And number two is, it's a false apology.
18:53And I'm not quite sure that Jordan won't accept your apology.
18:56So you all have a nice day.
18:57I'm sorry, Jordan.
18:59You accept my apology?
19:06You better not.
19:08I swear, I'll keep.
19:10I accept.
19:11America, is he trying to vex me?
19:14Well, why the hell did he do that?
19:16Because he told me to.
19:18What?
19:19Uncle Bernie, you were right.
19:21I was being read to Kevin, and I was wrong.
19:25You told me to be his friend.
19:27I was trying to do the right thing.
19:29In fact, I should be apologizing to him.
19:35Jordan, I know you was trying to do the right thing,
19:37but this ain't the right...
19:42Yeah, Jordan, you're right.
19:46You're right.
19:48Go on, Jordan.
19:49Go on and play with your new friend.
19:51Go ahead.
19:58What'd I do now?
20:02Don't tell.
20:06Do you want to go outside and burn bugs with your glasses?
20:09Sure.
20:16Box of wine?
20:18Mm-hmm.
20:22Carpooling.
20:23America, this all started with carpooling.
20:26You see the kind of trouble it gets you into?
20:29See, it gives your friends you don't want.
20:31Don't get me wrong.
20:32You know, Ted's not a bad guy.
20:34In fact, when you get to know him, he's kind of fun.
20:38Went to the swap meet the other day.
20:40America, I got this.
20:42Yeah, dig it.
20:43A bicentennial back scratch.
20:46Yeah.
20:46Ooh, yeah, that's it.
20:50Woo, right there.
20:52Oh, yeah.
20:53Oh, yeah.
20:54That's good.
20:56Ooh.
20:56Get that spot.
20:58Yes, sir.
20:59Yes, sir.
21:00I mean, I only spent 35 cents.
21:03That's not bad.
21:04Hold on.
21:05Yo, Ted!
21:06We found a dead stuffed monkey.
21:08When did that swap meet?
21:09I love that monkey, though.
21:10I call him Bobo.
21:11Yeah, he's my best friend.
21:13So what?
21:15My friend liked monkeys.
21:18I ain't mad at him.
21:22World coming to an end.
21:26Piss everywhere.
21:27Just...
21:29You see him talking smart every week.
21:31He talks smart.
21:32Piss...
21:34Piss it pot.
21:36But who had his back?
21:38Uncle Bernie had his back.
21:40Piss everywhere.
21:41Urine.
21:42It was yellow.
21:44Right, like it was a map.
21:46A gold map.
21:49Well...
21:51See you next week.
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