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'Accident' #tv #comedy #entertainment

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00:04I
00:47Happy birthday to me
00:50Happy birthday to me
00:52Happy birthday dear Richie
00:56Happy birthday to me
01:00Happy birthday to me
01:03Happy birthday dear Richie
01:06Happy birthday to me
01:13Happy birthday Rich
01:14Thank you
01:15Rather a bumper crop of cards this year
01:17Popular guy you see Eddie
01:18Let's see
01:19How many cards did you get for your birthday?
01:21Oh no no of course I thought it was on me
01:23Because you didn't get any did you?
01:25Only because you glued up the letterbox
01:27Now that's just sour grapes Eddie
01:29There was absolutely no proof that it was me
01:31Except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day
01:35Mind you what's new?
01:36Let's see
01:39May all your birthdays be happy ones
01:42We like you more than Eddie
01:46That's nice isn't it?
01:48Terry Hardacre
01:53He's written a little joke
01:55Congratulations it's your birthday
01:57It's time for lots of fun
01:59So roll this card up nice and tight
02:01And stick it up your bum
02:05He is a mad man
02:09Unstoppable
02:10That's the same card he sent last year isn't it?
02:14That's the same one he sent for the last five years actually
02:17The same joke as well
02:22I wonder who this one can be from
02:24That looks like the one from Sue Carpenter
02:27Eddie you must be psychic
02:28It is
02:29It's from Sue Carpenter
02:31Good old Sue
02:34I really must phone her up more often
02:36I don't think you should Richie
02:38They took out that injunction remember?
02:42Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal
02:44Bless them
02:45They never forget an old serviceman
02:48By serviceman
02:49I take you mean that time you got caught on board
02:51Pretending to be the captain
02:52Just to impress Ethel Cardew
02:54It worked
02:57No it didn't
02:58She got off with the arresting officer
03:01Yeah well it worked for him
03:04Anyway stop trying to spoil my birthday
03:06Look it says here
03:07Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal
03:09But it's in your handwriting
03:11You've been sending it to yourself for the last seven years
03:15This one's from Rod Steiger
03:17This one's from ABBA
03:19With Happy Christmas 1973 written inside it
03:22And this one's from the people of the Soviet Union
03:25In grateful thanks to Comrade Richie
03:29It's in Russian
03:30You just put the R's the wrong way round
03:34That's what Russian is
03:37Every year we have to go through this ridiculous charade
03:40God you're weird aren't you
03:41I mean you're really weird
03:44This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year isn't it
03:47Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party
03:51You weren't ill
03:53You just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green
03:57I knew it was a hoax
03:58Because the paint washed off when that enema backfired
04:06Okay
04:07Okay okay
04:09Let's sort this out
04:12Are we good friends Eddie
04:13We've known each other for a long time
04:15We can talk
04:17And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last 25 years
04:22Oh what's that
04:22I hate you
04:23I hate you
04:24I hate you
04:25Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere
04:27You bastard
04:28It was just a joke
04:31No it wasn't
04:34Was it?
04:35Of course it was
04:36I know these cards are genuine
04:39They're guys from the Ark Royal
04:41General Pinochet
04:43I mean how could you fake something like that
04:47I was joking
04:49I'm sorry
04:52Are you?
04:54Yes
04:55Well write it down then
04:58Go on
04:59There's a pen
05:00Write down I'm sorry
05:01Write down I'm sorry I'm a twat
05:04Write down I'm sorry I'm a twat
05:06Ten times
05:07I shall wait for you by the television until you're ready
05:13I'm sorry
05:15I'm a twat
05:19Ten times
05:26Here you go
05:33You're forgiven
05:35And you may come to my birthday party tonight
05:39You're what?
05:39I was going out tonight
05:43What?
05:44Yeah I was going out with my real friends
05:48Well they can come too
05:50So long as they bring a bottle and don't steal all my birds
05:53Or no one else going to this party
05:55Well I don't know
05:56It's 20 or 30 of my close chums
05:59Who's confirmed?
06:02Oh Eddie you're so old fashioned
06:04Nobody confirms invites these days
06:06They just sort of turn up when they feel like it
06:09It's a very informal easy going sort of arrangement
06:11I very much approve
06:12It's a breath of fresh air if you ask me
06:15So no one's confirmed
06:17That's right
06:18No one
06:19It's great
06:23Oh
06:24By the way Eddie
06:29What are you doing now?
06:31Happy birthday to me
06:34I see
06:37Happy birthday Richie
06:38Oh Eddie you shouldn't have
06:40You know I don't like anyone to make a fuss of my birthday
06:44It's a bit small isn't it?
06:46Is this how much you value our relationship?
06:49But what the hell
06:50I may as well be nice about it
06:52Oh I wonder what it is
06:53Oh it's a comb
06:58It's my comb
07:01It's my comb that I lost last week
07:03And now I'm giving it back to you
07:06Happy birthday
07:08Look
07:09This isn't some sort of joke you know
07:10This is my birthday
07:14You take this wrapping paper
07:15And you get me something good
07:16Or else
07:17Alright
07:18Alright
07:24Happy birthday
07:26Oh
07:27That's a bit more likely
07:28That's bigger isn't it?
07:29Oh I wonder what it is
07:31I wonder what it is
07:32It's it's the remote control from the television set
07:35That's right
07:35What do you want to watch birthday boy?
07:38Right
07:39That's it Eddie
07:39This time you have really overstepped the mark
07:41It's a fight
07:42Hang on hang on hang on hang on
07:44I've got your real present here
07:46It's a piece of paper
07:47It is a small piece of paper
07:50Read it
07:55Madame Swish 330
07:59Oh Eddie
08:01You haven't
08:02Oh what a pal you are
08:05Madame Swish
08:08Oh
08:11God at last I'm really going to do it
08:15I'm on my birthday as well
08:18Oh
08:19I wonder what she's like
08:20She's a dead cert mate
08:22A real stire
08:25Really?
08:26Yeah
08:26She'll come first
08:27What before me?
08:29Good grief
08:30That's quick
08:32So she'll think I'm great
08:33Oh what a pal you are
08:35And it's all paid for
08:37I'm not exactly
08:38I need a tenner
08:39A tenner?
08:39Right
08:40It's quite cheap isn't it?
08:42Well no in that case
08:43It's a tenner each way
08:49Well how many ways are there?
08:52Well you'll come first
08:54Second or third
08:55Won't you?
08:58Well how many people are going to be there?
09:01Well a few thousand
09:03What?
09:04Well it's Kempton
09:05Kempton?
09:06I can't get down to Kempton by 3.30
09:08You don't have to mate
09:09It'll be on the telly
09:12They're going to televise it
09:14But what if my auntie's watching?
09:16Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?
09:18A horse?
09:19Yeah
09:19Madam Swish is a horse
09:22Yeah
09:23Well what do you think it was?
09:25Oh no
09:25Nothing
09:26Nothing
09:27Just checking
09:29I have given you a red hot tip
09:31I know
09:32And there's nothing I can do about it now is there?
09:36That horse
09:40That horse is an absolute cert mate
09:42It's a fantastic birthday boy
09:44I'm sorry Eddie
09:45I'm sorry
09:45I was just being silly
09:50Well how much should I put on it?
09:52Give us 20 quid and I'll see what I can do
09:55Okay
09:55There you are old mate
09:56Thanks mate
09:57Happy birthday to me
10:04Da da da
10:05Happy birthday
10:07Happy birthday to you
10:09Happy birthday
10:11Happy birthday to me
10:16Oh careful Eddie
10:17Well
10:19Did we win?
10:20Nope
10:21We lost
10:22Da
10:22Only joking
10:23You mean we won?
10:25Yep indeed
10:25He did
10:27Fantastic
10:28I knew I was great
10:30What were the odds?
10:31Ten to one
10:32Ten to one?
10:34Is that good?
10:36Well
10:36You gave me ten didn't you?
10:38Yeah
10:38So
10:39You get one
10:40Ten to one
10:41Brilliant
10:42What a fantastic birthday present
10:46Hang on
10:47Hang on
10:49I gave you two tenners
10:54Talk me out eh
10:55Yeah
10:56You don't get much past old Richie
10:58Yeah you're right there
11:01Here's your other quid
11:02Great
11:03Two quid
11:04I knew today was my lucky day
11:05He toss it over
11:08Oh god
11:10Oh
11:11Shit what's that doing there?
11:13Eddie
11:15Eddie
11:17Eddie my leg's pointing the wrong way
11:19Well point it the right way
11:21Ow
11:24Ow
11:24Ow
11:25I can't
11:25Hang on I'll give you a hand
11:29Ow
11:31Ow
11:32Ow
11:33Ow
11:33Ow
11:33Ow
11:34Ow
11:35Ow
11:35Ow
11:35Ow
11:36Ow
11:37Ow
11:37Ow
11:37Ow
11:39Ow
11:43I'll try from a different angle
11:44OK
11:45Ow
11:46Ow
11:46Ow
11:47Ow
11:49Ow
11:49Ow
11:50Ow
11:50Ow
11:50Ow
11:50Ow
11:51It's no good
11:51It won't punch
11:53Get the ambulance
11:54We haven't got an ambulance
11:57Now we don't need one
11:58Because I've just had a fantastic idea
12:00Oh god
12:01Oh god
12:02Oh god
12:03I'll never walk again
12:04I'll never play tennis
12:05You'll have to carry me to the toilet
12:07You'll see my knob
12:10Right
12:11Now just relax
12:12because you might feel a moment's discomfort.
12:16OK.
12:31Forward, forward, again. Stop, stop, stop!
12:35I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
12:37Right, I'm fine here. Just leave it here. That's fine, Eddie.
12:39No!
12:42That's fine, that's fine.
12:43Oh, God. Thank God we're home.
12:45I couldn't believe that, nurse.
12:47All I said was,
12:48Hello, have you seen the singing detective?
12:50And she twatted me with a kidney dish.
12:52Right, what time is it?
12:54It's, um, exactly 30 seconds.
12:56There's seven o'clock.
12:57Is it? Damn!
12:58I've got no time to put on my girl-baked underpants.
13:00Right.
13:03Give us a countdown for the final few seconds, mate.
13:05OK, OK.
13:05OK.
13:07Five,
13:08four,
13:09three,
13:10two,
13:11one,
13:12zero.
13:13Ha!
13:18Right, well, that's it. It's a disaster, isn't it?
13:21Well, it's a simple equation. I haven't got any friends, so I'm going to kill myself.
13:24Eddie, go upstairs and get the razor blades.
13:25Right, you are old mate. What do you want? Safety or non-safety?
13:32Uh-oh!
13:33Hurrah!
13:34They're here at last!
13:35Uh-huh!
13:35Playing the old I'm late gag to the hilt.
13:37What great mates I've got!
13:40Wait, I'm coming, I'm coming!
13:42I had an accident!
13:43I'm not very quick!
13:45Don't go!
13:46Don't go away!
13:47Here I am!
13:51Welcome one and welcome all!
13:54Who on earth are you?
13:56Um, sorry, we seem to come to the wrong house.
13:59We're looking for Chopper Hitler.
14:00Chopper?
14:01Is that something I don't know, Eddie?
14:04Hello boys, come on in!
14:06What?
14:07Never mind him, he's just waiting for his mates to turn up.
14:13Right, here we go then. Here's the punch, get stuck in.
14:16Thanks, Eddie. Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies.
14:20I didn't know that.
14:21Yeah, she went on Tuesday.
14:24It's funnier in the pub.
14:27Are you not having a drink?
14:29Well, we haven't got time, have we?
14:30Not if we're going to this party.
14:32No, I'm afraid this is the party.
14:34Oh.
14:36Excuse me, excuse me.
14:37Could you put that down, please?
14:39Just put that down.
14:40Why, what's wrong with it?
14:41Never mind that.
14:42Can I have your names, please?
14:45Richie, these are my friends that you said I could invite.
14:48Spud Gun and Dave Hedgehog.
14:52Oh.
14:54Well, this is rather difficult for me because, you see, you've only really been half invited.
14:58You're not on the A list.
15:01But, as it is my birthday, yes, I will let you stay, but I'm afraid I can't really let you
15:06stay properly.
15:08So, I'm going to have to ask you to go and stand in that corner, please.
15:11Come on.
15:13Quicker.
15:15Right.
15:16Now, that's fine.
15:16Now, stay there.
15:18If you want to go to the toilet, put your hand up.
15:21I'm just going to see if anyone's come yet.
15:24I'll see they put up a new giveaway sign at the junction then.
15:27Yeah.
15:28Excuse me.
15:30Can you just keep it down a bit, please?
15:33Good grief.
15:36Yeah, they, um, painted the road markings to match. Did you see that?
15:40Well, I did, yeah.
15:40Yeah, I did too.
15:41For Christ's sake!
15:43Can't you keep me living on it for a moment?
15:45I can't hear if anyone's knocking on the door or not.
15:47There could be thousands of them all queuing up on the stairs by now.
15:50Oh, Christ!
15:52I suppose I'll just have to go and check.
15:54And no wandering into the middle of the room while I'm away.
15:59It's going to be a long time.
16:02I'd do it near glass, mate.
16:05Hello?
16:07Is anyone coming?
16:14Happy birthday to me.
16:17Happy birthday to me.
16:19Happy birthday, dear me.
16:22Happy birthday to me.
16:30I'm sorry, you can't come in.
16:32It is simply said on the invite, no jeans.
16:34And you, where's your bottle?
16:36Well, you can't come in either then.
16:37And you, 20 birds.
16:39I told you, no bikinis.
16:41Bugger off!
16:42In fact, I've decided none of you can come in.
16:44That's right, all 2,000 of you.
16:46Bugger off!
16:47I've decided I'd rather play with Eddie and his great mates.
16:53Yes?
16:54Well, I don't care if you are Valerie Singleton in the nude.
16:56Bugger off!
16:59I think you should see a doctor, mate.
17:01Guys!
17:03Guys!
17:03I have fixed it.
17:05Come on out of the corner.
17:07I've fixed it so you don't have to stay there anymore.
17:09I don't know if you overheard me at all or not, but I told everyone else to go away.
17:13Yeah, yeah, I did.
17:15I thought, you know, let's just have a nice little private party.
17:18Me and Eddie and his two great mates.
17:20I mean, we're the hardcore, aren't we?
17:22Come on!
17:23Drinks all round!
17:28So...
17:30Mate...
17:32Tell me about this road sign.
17:33Sounds great.
17:36Is it alright to talk, Eddie?
17:39Yeah.
17:40Well, they put up this new road sign which says Give Way.
17:43But, like, the thing is, the old one said Give Way as well.
17:46So, there's no real difference.
17:47They're just the same.
17:49So, what I was saying was, why did they put up the new one?
17:53And I mean, everything would have just been the same.
17:59Oh, oh, oh!
18:02Fantastic!
18:02That's incredible!
18:04We're really the guys, aren't we?
18:06Hey, I know, let's all get completely drunk and play Postman's Knock.
18:09Where's that sherry?
18:17It's a bit warm, isn't it?
18:24So, what's Postman's Knock mean?
18:26Oh, right.
18:27Well...
18:28Well, mate.
18:31What's your name again?
18:33Spudgun.
18:33Spudgun.
18:35Why?
18:35Why do they call you Spudgun?
18:36Well, give me a potato and I'll show you why.
18:38Oh.
18:38No, no.
18:39Don't make sure you don't want to see that.
18:44Well, why do they call you Hedgehog?
18:46Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.
18:49Why don't we just move on, eh?
18:51What are the rules to this fantastic Postman's Knock?
18:53Oh, right, it's great, right?
18:54All the birds sit round in a vast circle, right?
18:57Then I go out into the hall and one by one, all the birds come out and snog me.
19:03Right, so we'll give that one a miss, shall we?
19:05Oh, I know.
19:06What about sardines?
19:08What about them?
19:08Well, they're a kind of fish, aren't they?
19:11That's right, they are!
19:13We're all incredible, aren't we?
19:15What a great time we're having.
19:17No, but let's be sensible for a moment and sort out the rules.
19:20Right, sardines is a game, right?
19:23One of us goes outside and hides and all the others have to come and look for him.
19:27But, when they find him, they hide with him.
19:29And they smog with him.
19:32If they want to.
19:34If they're a bird, right?
19:36Which we're not, so we probably won't.
19:38Right, don't we give it a try.
19:39No, we won't have to try.
19:42OK, so, who wants to go and hide?
19:44Me!
19:44Ha-ha!
19:45Ford you there!
19:46Right, close your eyes and off we go.
19:49Close your eyes.
19:51Just stop peeking, will you?
19:53Look, I know we're great mates, but you've got to do things properly.
19:56All right.
19:57OK, here goes.
20:02Oh, damn.
20:04It's no good.
20:06No.
20:13Eddie!
20:14Eddie!
20:15You've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard.
20:18What?
20:20You've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard.
20:23I can't get upstairs by myself.
20:25I can't get you up the stairs on my own.
20:28Well, ask your great mates to help me.
20:32All right, we've got to take him upstairs and hide him in the cupboard.
20:35No, no, don't tell them!
20:36Don't tell them!
20:38Just tell them to keep their eyes closed, we're going somewhere secret.
20:41Right.
20:43You've got to keep your eyes closed because it's a secret that we're going to hide him in the cupboard.
20:47OK?
20:48Right, let's go.
20:50Keep your eyes closed.
20:53Careful, careful.
20:54Left here.
20:55Left here.
20:57Steady, guys.
20:58Keep your eyes closed.
20:59Eddie, keep your eyes closed.
21:01Come on.
21:01Up we go.
21:02Up we go.
21:03Come on, push.
21:03This is supposed to be fun.
21:05Oh, careful, careful.
21:06Keep your eyes closed.
21:07Keep your eyes closed.
21:08Right, put me down.
21:09Good.
21:09Right.
21:09This is going to be great.
21:10Reel me backwards.
21:11Backwards, backwards.
21:13Isn't it nice here in the cellar?
21:19Right.
21:20Now, keep your eyes closed.
21:22Run downstairs and count to ten before you start.
21:24OK?
21:25Ow!
21:37Right.
21:39One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
21:43One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
21:44Great.
21:45Well, that's us safe for a couple of hours.
21:47What do you fancy, lads?
21:49Let's have a drink and watch the telly.
21:51Good idea.
21:52Okey-dokey.
21:55Oh, great.
21:56Look, it's war and peace.
21:57And it's only just started.
22:07Oh, what a crap film.
22:10I knew it was going to end right out.
22:12How'd you know that?
22:12I've seen it 17 times.
22:16Four hours, 20 minutes.
22:18Fabulous.
22:19That must be a new sardines record.
22:21Wait till Norris McWhirter hears about this.
22:24Now on Open University,
22:26Medieval population distribution patterns in Lower Saxon.
22:32What did medieval people do before telly?
22:35Oh, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
22:44Now, before telly was invented.
22:47Oh, they had cockfights.
22:50Remember they all got the plague.
22:54That's Bernard Manning, isn't it?
22:56No, that's Julia Somerville.
22:59Oh, yeah, you're right.
23:01I've done it with her.
23:03Well, Julia Somerville.
23:05Yeah.
23:06Done what?
23:07What's the news?
23:17Right, that's five hours up.
23:19Gotta be in the Guinness Book of Records by now.
23:22Where on earth is everybody?
23:24I know I'm great at sardines, but this is ridiculous.
23:32What's that in there?
23:34Is that a telly done for the night?
23:36Hang on, I've got me Emmerdale Farm compilation on video, if you fancy it.
23:41Not half.
23:42All right, I'll get the drinks in.
23:45Oh, well, I've got a look at him.
23:46Oh.
23:52That's him.
23:53That's the one.
23:56Bastard, I hate him.
23:59Ooh.
24:01Now that one there.
24:02The extra.
24:04He never says anything, he just drinks all day.
24:09Look at him.
24:10Look.
24:10He's going to buy another drink.
24:12Is that his own money?
24:14No, no.
24:16They fill his pockets full of change,
24:18push him into the wool pack,
24:20and shout,
24:21Go on, mate, drink as much as you like!
24:25And all that closing time,
24:26they give him a wage packet.
24:29Lucky bastard!
24:32I'm in the cupboard.
24:37I'm in the cupboard.
24:41Oh, bugger.
24:43Sounds like he's rumbled our game.
24:45Hello!
24:49You're a bastard!
24:51Well, don't you worry.
24:52He can't get down the steps without us.
24:56Yodel, lady!
25:02Yodel, lady!
25:05Eddie!
25:06Eddie!
25:09Hey, stop, Dad.
25:11I'm going to have a look at this.
25:12Oh, ah!
25:13No, no, no!
25:15No!
25:21So, he fell off the ladder and broke his leg.
25:24Ah!
25:26And then he had a bit of a motoring accident down the stairs
25:28and broke his other leg.
25:31So I thought, well,
25:32we've got all this spare booze,
25:34why not have everyone round from the pub
25:36for a bit of a drink and a dance?
25:38Yeah!
25:39Well, Eddie, do your impression again.
25:41All right, pass us that more, mate.
25:44Right, then.
25:45Obviously, it'd be better with a lot of sweat, you know.
25:48OK.
25:49Oh!
25:50Oh!
25:51Well, why won't anybody ever have it off with me?
25:55Maybe it's because I'm a big, fat, ugly bastard
25:58with a microscopic penis.
26:03Hello, Richie.
26:04What's going on here?
26:05Who are all these people?
26:07Um,
26:08these are all your friends, Richie.
26:09They turned up.
26:10My friends?
26:11I don't know people like this.
26:13Well, all right, they're my friends.
26:14But it's still your party.
26:16No matter whose friends they are.
26:18Hey, everybody!
26:19The birthday boy's here!
26:21Hooray!
26:25There you are.
26:26See?
26:26Look how popular you are.
26:30Yeah.
26:32Yeah.
26:33This is my birthday party, isn't it?
26:35It's a bloody brilliant one as well.
26:37Look, there must be a good, what,
26:3812 people here.
26:39All right.
26:40Let's get organised.
26:42Right, everybody, shut up!
26:44Shut up!
26:44I'm here at last!
26:46Hello!
26:47Right, now let's get things sorted out.
26:49I want all the boys on this side
26:50with my birthday present
26:52and all the cracking birds on this side
26:54in a nice orderly queue
26:55ready to give me my big birthday kiss.
26:57All right?
26:58Come on, come on, look lively.
26:59You're supposed to be enjoying yourselves.
27:01We were.
27:02Oh, you're the first one, are you?
27:03Have you brought me a birthday present?
27:05No.
27:06Ooh!
27:07You'll have to have a birthday forfeit, then.
27:08What do you mean, forfeit?
27:09This.
27:11Don't mess with the party animal.
27:14Hi, bird.
27:15Get out, it's not your birthday.
27:17Want to come for a ride with me?
27:18Hey, I'll tell you what,
27:20I know it looks like it,
27:20but that's not my leg in there.
27:23Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
27:25You can't bash the birthday boy.
27:26Not on his birthday.
27:27Look at this.
27:28See that?
27:29Oh!
27:30Thanks, everybody.
27:31Now I've decided what I'd like to do
27:32on my birthday is play
27:34birthday charades.
27:35So all you birds,
27:37come on, get your blouses off.
27:39You're first, mate.
27:40Oh!
27:40Oh!
27:41Get off!
27:42Get off!
27:47Get off!
27:48What are you doing with my bird?
27:50I was just going to grab her.
27:52Who are you?
27:53Who are you?
27:54Do you know who I am?
27:55No.
27:56Well, I mean,
27:56you're obviously some sort of arsehole,
27:58aren't you?
27:59I don't know who I am.
28:00Mate,
28:01my name is
28:03Richard Richard.
28:05I'm the birthday boy.
28:06And don't you ever forget it.
28:09Right.
28:10You're the birthday boy, are you?
28:12Yes.
28:12Well, maybe we should give you
28:13the bumps.
28:14Well, I guess I think
28:15it jolly well should.
28:16Shall we give him the bumps?
28:17Yes!
28:17Yes!
28:19No!
28:20Come on!
28:20How old are you?
28:21No, two.
28:22No, one.
28:23Happy birthday, Richie.
28:24Break a leg.
28:25No, no!
28:27Right!
28:28Ah!
28:30Ah!
28:44Ah!
28:46Ah!
28:58Ah!
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