'Field Trip' On a field trip to the Dorset coast Jay fails to locate the mythical housewife who deflowers schoolboys, Neil becomes a teacher's pet and Will and Simon fall out over pretty new girl Lauren.
#tv #comedy
#tv #comedy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:20Hi, I'm Will, and yes, it's a briefcase.
00:23I'm still at a normal, terrifying, comprehensive,
00:26because my mum hasn't scraped enough money together to send me back to my old, private,
00:30and let's face it, better school.
00:32However, I have made friends here, and in some ways this term will be better than the last.
00:37And in many other ways, a lot, lot worse.
00:40But before all that, my first hurdle of the new term involved a freezing cold day in January,
00:45a coach, and Jay calling me a bender.
00:47Morning, benders.
00:48Alright.
00:49This is it. The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage.
00:53It's the only reason I chose geography.
00:54Seems like a flimsy reason. Unspecified carnage.
00:57Yeah, well, I'll tell you one thing that won't be flimsy.
00:59My cock. There's this sexy housewife down there, and every year she fucks one bloke from our school.
01:05How can you possibly know that?
01:07My mate went last year and he banged her. He said that she was the best he'd ever had.
01:10A right fit mature bird that does it because she loves young me.
01:14Oh, bollocks. For one thing, you don't even have a mate in year 13.
01:17Yeah, I do. Chris Groves.
01:19Never heard of him.
01:20Well, he's not gonna hang out with a twat like you, is he?
01:22So, let me get this straight. Your imaginary friend fucked an imaginary older woman in Swanage, so you decided to
01:27do geography A-level.
01:28Good plan.
01:29We should try and have a laugh down there, though. Do something different.
01:31We could go on a boat trip. I checked online. They hire boats from the harbour.
01:34The internet really is wasted on you.
01:36No, I don't know. We should, like, try and get off with the local girls or get some booze in
01:40or something.
01:40Everything was shit out here. We're by the seaside. Yeah, can't wait.
01:43We could let off a load of fireworks in our room. Could do. Might be a bit pointless.
01:48Neil, what are you doing?
01:50Getting on a coach.
01:51But you don't do geography or sociology.
01:53I know that.
01:53So what are you doing getting on the coach to the geography and sociology field trip?
01:57Oh, well, Jay was going on about how mental it all was, and I really, really wanted to go.
02:00So I asked Mr Kennedy if I could come down and help him out.
02:02Pedo Kennedy? He said yes, presumably. He did, actually.
02:06Who's Pedo Kennedy?
02:07Geography teacher and pedo.
02:09I don't believe the school would actually employ a pedophile.
02:11They have done.
02:12The thing is, they haven't, have they?
02:14He was caught in the music cupboard wanking over the school orchestra.
02:17When?
02:18Before we started.
02:19Convenient.
02:19What's he asked you to do, Neil?
02:21He's got to collect a load of samples down here.
02:22What, of your spunk?
02:23Collected in his mouth.
02:25And hair.
02:26Yeah.
02:27So even though Neil has now suspected Pedo's plaything, we've boarded the coach with high hopes.
02:32It might have been a new term and a new year, but some things never change.
02:36Still going well with Carly, then, is it?
02:38Shut up.
02:39Here he is.
02:40Oh, watch out, Neil.
02:43Oh, don't do that.
02:44Oh, thumbs up, friend.
02:45Oh, weird old inappropriate friend.
02:48Oh, spunk samples friend.
02:50Why did he have to do the thumbs up?
02:51Because that's what will be going up your arse first.
02:53Going up your arse first.
02:54But in all the excitement, we'd forgotten the first rule of coach travel.
02:58Hard kids at the back.
03:00I'm off.
03:00No, stay.
03:02There's no reason for us to move and we're not moving.
03:05Move.
03:05Why should we move?
03:06Do you want me to give you a reason?
03:08Well, I'm not leaving without one.
03:10I don't think you understand.
03:12I don't think that you understand that we got up early to secure these seats and there's
03:15nobody else to find your point.
03:17Oh, fuck.
03:18Where are we going to sit now?
03:20What is going on?
03:21Will you not sit down?
03:22Well, seats have been taken, sir.
03:24There's nowhere left.
03:25Yes, there is.
03:25There's loads at the front.
03:26Sit next to John.
03:27I'm not sitting next to John.
03:28His fat arse takes up two seats.
03:30I've got feelings too, you know.
03:31Fine.
03:32You sit here next to me.
03:33Oh, what?
03:34Well, it's me or Mr Kennedy.
03:36Now, come on.
03:37Hurry up.
03:39And Mackenzie, sit down.
03:46Hello.
03:47Hi.
03:47Um, who are you?
03:49I'm Lauren Harris.
03:50I'm new.
03:51Hi, I'm Will Mackenzie.
03:53Scary being new, isn't it?
03:55No, it's a bit.
03:55The way the kids all threaten to beat you up and call your names like Briefcase Wanker.
04:00Oh, it's not been like that.
04:02No, it wasn't for me either.
04:05I was more used to field trips to places like the Alps or Barcelona than shitty English
04:09seaside towns.
04:10But as we headed to Swanage, there was definitely a sense of excitement, a feeling that anything
04:14could happen for the first couple of hours.
04:17Then it became just another incredibly tedious coach journey.
04:20Don't even think about trying to talk to me.
04:30Wait, who wants to swap seats?
04:31No, you're all right.
04:33Oh, God, it's so boring up there.
04:36Wait a minute, who's SpongeBob's shitties pants talking to?
04:39Oh, she's fit.
04:41Yeah, she is.
04:42It is to get her attention.
04:43Oh, Neil, don't be embarrassing.
04:45Oi, everyone, watch this.
04:52What's going on?
04:53Neil's just being silly.
04:55Is he doing that horn thing?
04:56That's really funny.
04:58Yeah, no, yeah, really funny, silly, isn't it?
05:01Silly in a funny way.
05:02Do it again, Neil.
05:03Yeah, do it again, Neil.
05:09Here, if you like that, I've got a good one.
05:26What?
05:27They loved it.
05:29Cartwright, sit down.
05:30So far, the only unspecified carnage we had witnessed was what Big John had left in the coach toilet.
05:36But Jay wasn't giving up on finding his mythical seaside milf.
05:39So where do you think this nymph firing's at, then?
05:41Not sure.
05:42High Street, maybe?
05:43Or down by the ice cream stall on the front.
05:45Apparently, right, she comes up to you and asks for a lick of your Cornetto.
05:48It means she's offering a cock-in-mouth situation.
05:51It's like a code.
05:52Brilliant.
05:53Oh, well, a bit embarrassing, but do you mind if I sit with you at lunch?
05:57You know, cos I've got no mates and all that.
05:58God!
05:59No problem at all.
06:00You can sit on my lap, if you like.
06:02No, thank you.
06:03I thought you should know that that thing you did on the bus was really sad and pathetic and not
06:07funny.
06:08I'll see you later.
06:12Frigids.
06:14Looks like you won't be getting off with Lauren, then.
06:16Who cares?
06:17She's just a little girl.
06:18Didn't come down here for girls, mate.
06:19I'll get enough of them back at home.
06:21No, I'll come down here for a woman.
06:23She is fit, though.
06:24What?
06:25Lauren's fit, isn't she?
06:26I saw her first.
06:27What?
06:28I only said she was fit.
06:29Hi, guys.
06:30Hi.
06:31Here, sit down here.
06:32Oh, I'm just off, actually.
06:34Oh, no, don't leave my account.
06:35Oh, no, it's not that.
06:36It's just I've got to go see a man about a dog.
06:37It's just I've got to go see a man about a dog.
06:38Than a woman about a pussy.
06:40I do know what that means.
06:43Right.
06:43You coming, Neil?
06:44Yeah.
06:46I'm Simon, by the way.
06:48Hi, Simon.
06:49Sorry about those two.
06:50It's all right.
06:51I've got a younger brother, so I'm used to it.
06:52Well, actually, he's eight, so he's a bit more mature-like, but you know.
06:57Feisty one you are!
06:59What?
07:01Feisty one you are!
07:02Why are you talking like that?
07:04It was Yoda.
07:07It was Yoda from Star Wars.
07:09It's the same impression I was doing on the coach for about an hour.
07:12Oh, was that what that was?
07:13Oh, good.
07:14I thought you might, you know, have a problem.
07:16Ha!
07:16No.
07:17Or Asperger's, maybe?
07:18Wrong again!
07:19Have you ever been tested for anything?
07:21Good one.
07:22Oh, I was going to ask, would one of you two do the survey with me?
07:25You know, because I've got no mates and all that.
07:27I will.
07:28Oh, really?
07:29Yep.
07:29I don't think you can, actually.
07:32Why not?
07:32Yeah, why not?
07:33Um, maybe because of what I mentioned earlier?
07:35Jay fucking an old woman.
07:36Oh, ladies present.
07:38No, um, the other thing.
07:40I have no idea what you're talking about.
07:42Look, Will, Lauren doesn't know anyone.
07:43Don't be a dick.
07:44I'm not being a dick, Simon.
07:46I'm just saying, who am I going to do my survey with?
07:51Oh, no.
07:52Mr. Gilbert says I'm to pair up with you because I'm not very good with directions and I might get
07:57lost.
07:59Right!
08:01Could I borrow your forms?
08:02I spilled ketchup on mine.
08:04So Simon got to hang out with lovely Lauren, while I had to stop a fat kid from wandering into
08:08the sea.
08:08Meanwhile, Jay was searching for that rarest of beasts, a sexy middle-aged woman.
08:13Hurry up, Jay.
08:13I've got to go back to work Kennedy out in 15 minutes.
08:16Alright, I'll try this one.
08:17Excuse me.
08:18Yes?
08:19Um, we're doing a survey for school.
08:21Can I ask you a few questions?
08:22Will it take long?
08:23It can take as long as you like.
08:25Sorry.
08:26Nah.
08:27Uh, first question.
08:28What form of transport did you take into town today?
08:31I drove.
08:32I drove.
08:34And how often do you use public transport?
08:37Rarely.
08:40And do you wear, like, stockings and that?
08:44Is this about transport?
08:46It's just the questions written down.
08:48Uh, one last one.
08:50Ooh.
08:52Right.
08:54Oh, hello.
08:55Where's Lauren?
08:56Oh, she wants to get a drink.
08:57She's nice, isn't she?
08:59I thought you were only interested in Carly.
09:01Oh, well, sort of, but Lauren's alright, you know.
09:04Easy to talk to.
09:05Did she mention me at all?
09:07No.
09:08Right.
09:08She said she thought I was really good looking.
09:10Oh.
09:11I was not expecting that.
09:14This is a bit weird, because I really like her,
09:16but I think she might like you.
09:18Right, well, if you think she fancies me,
09:20then I should probably go for it.
09:21Perhaps.
09:22Except I'm saying that I like her.
09:24I should go for it, though.
09:26Any thoughts on the me liking her part?
09:29Um, no, sure.
09:30Good point.
09:31But she is fit, so you can see my problem.
09:33Not really.
09:34Yeah, but you know how it is.
09:35How?
09:36How is it?
09:39You know...
09:40Look, why don't we just see what happens later back at the dorm?
09:42She might not be interested in either of us.
09:44I suppose that's true.
09:45Let's just wait and see.
09:46And no hard feelings if she goes with me.
09:48Oh, I'm not worried about that.
09:54Alright.
09:55Found that info yet?
09:56Not yet.
09:57Surprisingly.
09:58Where have you been, Neil?
09:59Me and Kennedy went down to the beach and then went swimming.
10:01Sorry?
10:02Swimming?
10:03Yeah.
10:03Just the two of you?
10:04Yeah.
10:05Pedo Kennedy took your skinny dipping.
10:06No.
10:07He gave me a spare pair of trunks.
10:08What, speedos?
10:09They were, actually.
10:11I'm beginning to see what he gets out of this arrangement, Neil,
10:13but what's in it for you?
10:15Miss, you got me here from the offie.
10:17Nice.
10:17Cool.
10:18Shit.
10:19Now here comes some carnage.
10:20You said don't tell Gilbert, though.
10:22Don't tell him about the inappropriate swimming or about the planned sexual assault when you're drunk.
10:25Both.
10:26This is brilliant.
10:27We could all get well-paced.
10:29Although technically it does mean we're now pimping Neil out.
10:31I'm cool with that.
10:32Me too.
10:35Shit.
10:35Hide it!
10:36Simon.
10:37Will.
10:38It's Lauren.
10:38Are you guys in there?
10:43Alright.
10:44Hey.
10:44There's a load of noise down the hall.
10:46Sounds like a party.
10:47Do you fancy it?
10:48Party?
10:48Hmm.
10:49Cool that sounds.
10:52You know you're never ever going to get laid.
10:55Jay was wrong.
10:56Statistically there was a good chance I would get laid.
10:58Eventually.
11:08So we had the booze and the girls.
11:10Well.
11:10A girl.
11:11Now all we needed to get this party started was a party.
11:16What?
11:17Um.
11:18We're here for the party.
11:19It's that posh little prick.
11:20Ask him if he's got any pictures of his mum.
11:23He's got a bottle of vodka.
11:27Here they are.
11:28Team twat.
11:30What's that you brought for me?
11:31Well, it's Neil's vodka.
11:33We thought we could maybe come in and join the party.
11:35Thank you wankers.
11:39Well that went well.
11:40Um.
11:41So I reckon the party's probably over for us then.
11:43We could do something else.
11:44Pool.
11:45Table tennis.
11:46I think I saw the board game Risk downstairs.
11:49Fuck that for a laugh.
11:50I'm going to go find that yummy mummy who wants me to spunk on her tummy.
11:53A rapey rhyme.
11:54How lovely.
11:55Here come on let's bunk it.
11:57Um.
11:57I think I'm going to call it a night guys.
11:59Maybe see you at breakfast.
12:01Do you want to walk me back to my dorm maybe?
12:02My pleasure.
12:04Oh I meant Simon.
12:06Uh yeah okay.
12:07Okay.
12:08Great.
12:08We'll both walk you back then.
12:18I'll see you tomorrow then Will.
12:19Definitely.
12:20See you tomorrow.
12:21Simon can I speak to you before you head back?
12:23Yeah of course.
12:26Goodnight then Will.
12:29Oh no it's okay.
12:30I'll wait for Si.
12:31You can say anything you want in front of me.
12:33We're mates.
12:34Okay.
12:35Simon do you fancy hanging out tomorrow maybe in the free time?
12:39Just the two of us.
12:40Bit rude.
12:41Uh yeah that'd be good.
12:42I'd love to do that.
12:43Cool.
12:44Meet you by the harbour after lunch.
12:45By the sea.
12:46That's where they tend to position them Si.
12:48Makes it easy for the boats.
12:49Goodnight then Will.
12:50Yeah whatever.
12:51Goodnight Simon.
12:52Yeah.
12:53Goodnight.
13:02Come on then Si.
13:03Let's get going.
13:06It's been so nice meeting you Simon.
13:08Oh I know.
13:09I mean I feel the same.
13:12Getting late now Si.
13:14Off we go.
13:18Si.
13:21Come on now mate.
13:25Right.
13:27See you back at the dawn then.
13:29I'll leave a knife right by my bed.
13:30Just pop it in my back later mate.
13:33Right between the shoulder blades.
13:35Night then Lauren.
13:37So Simon got a hug.
13:38A hug.
13:39Not sex.
13:40But from the way he went on about it.
13:41You'd think she'd sucked his foreskin or something.
13:43Can you believe it?
13:44I think she really likes me.
13:45Yeah.
13:46I think it's time to get some sleep now Simon.
13:47Funny the shit.
13:49Hello.
13:51It's only me boys.
13:52Just on my way to bed.
13:55Thought I'd check how you are.
14:00Swimming's tiring.
14:02Are your legs tired?
14:05I think they're okay.
14:07Yes.
14:08Quick massage before bedtime.
14:11Tired legs.
14:13Oh.
14:16Come on John.
14:17Oh.
14:18Rub down.
14:19The shift of lactic acid.
14:21Not now John.
14:21Oh.
14:30Was that a dream or did that just happen?
14:32That was your wet dream.
14:34No.
14:34It wasn't.
14:35He rubbed my legs.
14:36Well that's what you get for leading on pedos you slut.
14:39Shouldn't we report him?
14:40Well he did get a set of vodka.
14:42That's called grooming Neil.
14:43Is it?
14:44Yes.
14:45Oh.
14:46Goodnight.
14:47Neil didn't seem too emotionally scarred by the night's events.
14:50Unlike me.
14:51You are all right with me seeing Lauren later aren't you?
14:54Yeah of course.
14:54She's pretty cool actually.
14:56You see?
14:57Fuck off.
14:58You don't baby I'd nail sticks.
15:00Um.
15:01Are you sure you're all right with it?
15:02Hi Simon.
15:03Hello.
15:04I haven't seen you at all this trip.
15:05Where have you been?
15:06Um.
15:07Just here.
15:08What are you doing this afternoon?
15:10Nothing.
15:11Is that correct?
15:12Yes.
15:12I'm sure you've got something on this afternoon.
15:15Don't think so.
15:16Cause it's a free time later and as you haven't hung out in ages I thought like why don't
15:20I see what Simon's doing.
15:21Did you?
15:21Yeah.
15:22That's a real shame Carly cause Simon's hanging out with is it Lauren this afternoon?
15:28Oh right.
15:28Is that the new girl?
15:29I saw you talking to her.
15:31Did you?
15:32Yeah.
15:32So Simon can't come cause he's got a date.
15:34Are you going on a date with her Simon?
15:36No.
15:37Not a date.
15:38Just hanging.
15:38Sorry Simon I didn't realise it was a date thing.
15:40No.
15:41Listen to me.
15:41It's not a date.
15:43It can't be a date because anyone's welcome.
15:45Me.
15:46You.
15:47Lauren who may or may not be coming.
15:49She's definitely coming.
15:49She might not and I don't care either way if she does.
15:52Carly it would be great to hang out with you this afternoon.
15:54See you down the front at three.
15:56See you later then.
15:59Well thanks for nearly fucking that up for me mate.
16:01I just don't want things to get confusing.
16:03You can't meet up with both of them can you?
16:06Shit I don't know.
16:07I can't cancel Lauren can I?
16:09Look.
16:10Carly means something to you.
16:12You should go out with her.
16:13I'll sort Lauren out.
16:14Yeah.
16:15Yeah.
16:15That's the right thing to do isn't it?
16:17Will you talk to Lauren then?
16:18Of course.
16:19I'll let her down gently for you mate.
16:21He's going out with somebody else and he couldn't tell you to your face.
16:23He's a twat.
16:25So I said I'd do it because I think you deserve an explanation.
16:28Oh.
16:29Okay.
16:31Well that's a shame.
16:33Thanks Will.
16:34Look I've hired a boat this afternoon.
16:36Why don't you come out on it with me?
16:38I'm not sure.
16:39Oh go on.
16:40Please?
16:44Alright then.
16:45Great.
16:45They hired the boat sat down by the quay.
16:47Oh and if you see Simon.
16:47Blessed not to mention I said he was a twat.
16:50See you later then.
16:54Meanwhile Jay was still on the hunt for his sex starved ice cream lady.
16:58I don't know.
16:59She looks too old.
17:00Look.
17:01We've been here two days and she's the first bird we've seen hanging out here.
17:05She looks like she's only got one leg.
17:07She's probably just got an old face.
17:09Must be because of all the gist she's had on it.
17:11I bet her body's still pretty fit.
17:13I thought I'd find you here.
17:15How's the sex search going?
17:16Jay thinks it's her.
17:18You must be joking.
17:19She's ancient.
17:20No if she put on a bit of fake tan and slipped into some sexy undies I'd definitely give it
17:24a go.
17:25It must be her.
17:26I've given everyone else the eye.
17:28She looks like she could give you her actual eye.
17:31This is it.
17:32It's now or never.
17:34Guess a 99 Jay.
17:39What can I get you?
17:41Cornetto please.
17:44One Cornetto.
17:45Is that all?
17:48Do you want to lick it?
17:50Sorry?
17:51My Cornetto.
17:52Do you want to lick it?
17:54Oh that is kind.
17:56I've had enough ice cream today though sweetheart.
17:58Oh right.
17:59Bit late am I?
18:01Do you want something else?
18:05Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?
18:08Sorry?
18:10Can you suck me off?
18:14So it looked like Jay's search for a nympho had hit a brick wall.
18:17So that's not her then?
18:18No.
18:19A very old and confused brick wall.
18:27Yes!
18:27A date with Carly.
18:29You have no idea how long I've waited for this.
18:31We have, you never shut up about her.
18:33Oh my god.
18:34What does he look like?
18:35Aye aye.
18:36Permission to come aboard Captain Cockwash?
18:38Permission denied.
18:39I'm leaving in a minute.
18:40Are you going to go on a boat trip on your own?
18:42That's tragic.
18:43I'm not going on my own actually.
18:44Who are you going with then?
18:45Lauren.
18:46What?
18:47After you told me to not see her?
18:49I didn't say that.
18:50Yeah you did.
18:50You said I should choose Carly instead.
18:52Only because she's the one you want to be with.
18:54Yeah and you want to be with Lauren.
18:55So you scared me off.
18:56No.
18:57Not at all.
18:58I dunno.
18:59I think that's a bit dodgy mate.
19:01Best of a go then?
19:01No.
19:02Yeah come on don't be a dick.
19:03No.
19:03Oh go on I love boats.
19:04I used to go fishing with me dad.
19:06Fisting?
19:06Fishing.
19:08Oh come on Will just take us up to the sea.
19:09As you stitch me up.
19:10No she's going to be here in 15 minutes.
19:12Oh I get it.
19:14He's scared.
19:15I'm not actually.
19:17And that incredibly childish attempt to reverse psychology will not work.
19:23Alright so it did work.
19:25And it was quite good fun actually.
19:26Even the locals seem pleased to see us.
19:28Ahoy hoy.
19:33For about 10 seconds anyway.
19:37Brilliant.
19:38Well that was great.
19:39Let's head back then.
19:40What?
19:41You said we could go out to the sea.
19:42Well we can't.
19:43And put your life jacket on.
19:44The sea can be a cruel mistress.
19:46Oh what's this?
19:48Is this the sail?
19:49It's a fishing line.
19:50Give it here.
19:52Neil.
19:53Do not front.
19:54What happens now?
19:56Nothing.
19:56You've got to put bait on it.
19:57Please don't muck around.
19:58There's a 150 pound deposit on this boat.
20:01I'll call the sea.
20:02Let's get out of there.
20:04Oh fuck.
20:05No.
20:06Don't.
20:06Don't.
20:07You are literally rocking the boat.
20:09I knew this was going to happen.
20:10I'm turning this round and taking us back.
20:14Oh fuck.
20:16Oh god.
20:17Oh no.
20:18Sorry Simon.
20:19Holy fucking shit.
20:21That's cold.
20:21Get out Neil.
20:23Why didn't you do that?
20:24Was it because of Lauren?
20:26No.
20:26God no.
20:27It was an accident.
20:28You're total balanced.
20:35I thought we were friends.
20:36I'm sorry.
20:37Shit.
20:38We better head straight back in.
20:39Enjoy your swim.
20:40What?
20:41I'm really cold.
20:42Like to my bones.
20:43He's going to get hypothermia unless we get him out of those wet clothes.
20:46Neil.
20:46Undress him.
20:47Oh.
20:47I knew it.
20:49What?
20:49You've been waiting for this.
20:51I knew you were bent for him.
20:52It's basic first aid.
20:53I was in the scouts and we did this.
20:55Yeah.
20:55I bet that's not all you did in the scouts.
20:56No.
20:57You're right.
20:57We did not to.
20:58I'm cold.
20:59Could someone get me some hair gel?
21:00Don't take his pants off Neil.
21:02You're not your dad.
21:03He has to.
21:03It's the safest way.
21:05Put that coat round of Neil.
21:06I'll get the engine started.
21:07Don't worry.
21:07I'll cover him up.
21:11Oh, fuck.
21:12Why would this start?
21:13Jay, get that line in.
21:15All right, all right.
21:15Don't shit yourself.
21:17How's this happen?
21:19I think it's caught on something.
21:20Must be caught round the engine.
21:21Can I hold a lock to someone, please?
21:22I'm really cold.
21:23Is anyone else really cold?
21:25Like, really cold?
21:28Oh, Jesus Christ.
21:30Oh, my.
21:30How the hell has that happened?
21:32I don't know.
21:32It didn't have any bait on it.
21:33Get it out.
21:34It's all right.
21:34It's just a fish.
21:35It's a fucking terrifying massive fish, Neil.
21:38Get me out.
21:38Get rid of me.
21:38Oh, God, it's shit itself.
21:40It's all right.
21:40Fuck that.
21:41We're in serious trouble here.
21:43What?
21:44Oh, what?
21:44That's only for emergencies.
21:46For emergencies!
21:55Oh, brilliant.
21:57Oh, my gosh.
21:58That looks warm.
22:00Why the fuck did you do that?
22:03Get the sea police out.
22:04And say what?
22:05Help!
22:06We've caught a fish.
22:07And we're all in the harbour.
22:08What are they going to do?
22:09Tow us four feet closer to the shore.
22:11What if it's a shark?
22:12It's not a shark, Jay.
22:13Oh, get it out, Neil.
22:15I'd better kill it.
22:16It's the kindest thing to do.
22:17It won't survive back in the sea now.
22:33Well, that was a much more dignified end for him.
22:35You just punched a fish to death.
22:37Now we can take it back and eat it.
22:39I'm not eating that.
22:40Let's go out the fucking sea.
22:41I'm cold.
22:42Mummy, can you get the potty?
22:43Stay with us, Simon.
22:44We'll get you help.
22:45Oh, fuck.
22:47Fuck it!
22:49Are you okay, Will?
22:51Fine, thanks.
22:51We'll be back for you in a minute.
22:53You know you're starting to flare up.
22:55Yup.
22:56Thanks, Lauren.
22:57Won't be a minute.
22:58Is that a fish?
22:59Yes, Lauren!
23:00It's a fucking fish!
23:02Give me a minute!
23:04Are we going to have to swim back?
23:06It's very cold in there.
23:08Well, just row back.
23:09On holiday in Spain one year,
23:11me and my mate took a pedlo out
23:12and we went to Africa.
23:13Do you think you could spare us the bullshit
23:15for one minute while I try to figure out
23:18how not to die at sea?
23:20Oh, Carly's there.
23:21Look.
23:24Hi, Carly!
23:25Oh, Neil, you put a sock on him.
23:28Is it a bit draughty?
23:30He's in trouble.
23:31We have to huddle around him
23:32till the lifeboat gets here
23:33and then we have to explain
23:34that we called them away from their proper jobs
23:35because we caught a fish.
23:38Come here, mate.
23:39Oh, jeez, hell yeah.
23:41If anything, I'm colder than before.
23:43Well, huddle in closer then.
23:45No one better find out about this.
23:47What?
23:47Apart from everyone over there.
23:51Now we just wait for the seat, please.
23:59I'm worried this might look a bit weird.
24:01No, it's totally fine.
24:02We just all went out for a boat ride
24:04about 20 minutes ago.
24:05Now we've been dragged back to shore.
24:06The boat's covered with fish brains
24:07and you're totally naked.
24:09And Carly and Lauren are going to think
24:10this is pretty cool, right?
24:11Oh, yeah.
24:12Pretty cool.
24:13The definition of a field trip
24:15is an educational journey
24:16allowing students to observe events
24:18outside their usual experience.
24:20And so in that sense,
24:21Swanage was a complete success.
24:23We observed my brilliant Star Wars impression.
24:26Feisty one you are.
24:27Jay getting slapped.
24:28Neil punching a fish.
24:29And Simon's penis in a sock.
24:31And after all that observation,
24:33we have learnt one thing.
24:34Turns out Mr. Kennedy is a paedophile.
24:36It's alright, sir.
24:36I didn't even get wet.
24:38John.
24:38But at least some good came of it.
24:39Lauren had to move away shortly afterwards
24:41and Simon never saw her again.
24:42Swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.
24:45Just stay from your legs.
24:48Swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.
24:50Just stay in your legs.
24:53No bombing, no heavy petting soldiers.
24:57Stay in your legs.
24:59Veruca sucks and not forgetting to just
25:03Stay in your legs.
25:06What?
Comments