- 2 days ago
- #tv
- #comedy
- #entertainment
'Contest'
#tv #comedy #entertainment
#tv #comedy #entertainment
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TVTranscript
00:05You
00:38Oh, my God.
01:13Right.
01:14Eddie comes in, takes off his coat, body odour, takes off his hat, sits down to eat his tea, sees
01:24the note, sees me.
01:26Eddie. Shock. Rescue, rescue, rescue, rescue. Remorse, remorse. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Whirlwind of self-loathing. And Eddie buys me a
01:35drink.
01:35Leave this.
02:37Oh, hello, Eddie. Oh, bugger off. Have you had a hard day at the office?
02:42Yes.
02:44I spent an hour with Mrs Longbottom. I spent another hour and a half with that bitch, Mrs Pugh.
02:50And then I spent six hours looking for the supervisor's office. And when I got that, he cut off my
02:55doll.
02:56What the hell? I said I got too many savings.
02:58Well, how much have you got?
03:00£11.80. So they ought to keep me going for at least two months.
03:04You really are pathetic, aren't you?
03:07I mean, you haven't held down a steady job since 1978.
03:11You only held that down for ten minutes.
03:13Bunny girl.
03:15I told you to keep your trousers on.
03:17God, it's like watching a bullfight.
03:20So, we've only got £11.80 to last us for the next two months.
03:23No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of Parade.
03:27What?
03:28It's an investment. Look.
03:30I got it for £1.50 and originally it only cost a shilling.
03:34The value of these things is just skyrocketing.
03:38That's pre-decimalisation. They'll all have their pants on.
03:42All right, I'd better look after this.
03:44No, you don't.
03:45This is my investment. I'm going to show this to my grandchildren.
03:49I take your pardon?
03:49Look, this is a genuine first edition of Parade.
03:53It's still in its sealed cellophane wrapper.
03:55It doesn't matter how you art it up, Eddie.
03:56It's still a jazz mag.
03:59That's what they said to Michelangelo about the Sistine Chapel.
04:03No, it's not.
04:05The Sistine Chapel is art.
04:07If they said anything, they would have said,
04:09Blimey, nice painting, Mr. Angelo.
04:11Now, that's what I call art. And it's not porny at all.
04:14Bloody well is dirty, you know.
04:16There's those three birds on the top of the third pillar from the left
04:18with a bit of blue ribbon.
04:20Some of the things they're doing would make your nose bleed.
04:23There's a picture of it in their history of art book.
04:25Where is it?
04:27Oh, well, let's not bother with all that now, Eddie.
04:29Let's just have dinner.
04:30Here it is in your study area.
04:33That's odd.
04:34It's fallen open to the exact page.
04:41Extraordinary. It's done it again.
04:48Yes?
04:49Well, I've been studying that picture.
04:52Been studying it quite a lot, have you?
04:54While you're alone in the house.
04:56How dare you accuse me of masturbating?
04:58Have you said anything about masturbating?
05:00You did just then.
05:01I did not.
05:02I just said it's odd how it always falls out at that precise page.
05:05Yes, you did.
05:05And the reason you said that is because you know that's the picture I always look at when I'm having
05:08a...
05:13£11.80 was all we had to survive on for the next two months.
05:16What am I going to feed the children on now?
05:18We haven't got any children.
05:21Yes, I know. I know. I was talking metaphorically.
05:23You're talking bollocks.
05:26Don't you go using language like that in my house, my lad.
05:29What?
05:30English?
05:30The language of the gutter snipe.
05:33The language of the toilet.
05:35The language of the little green things you give a yak to and get a big yellow.
05:39Oh, shut up every day.
05:41Yakety, bloody yak.
05:43On and on and on.
05:44Day in, day out.
05:46Slime in this ear.
05:47Slime in that ear.
05:48Just stop talking!
05:59You may hate me, Eddie.
06:01Yes, I do.
06:08But you can't live without me, can you?
06:11I mean, off you go.
06:13Gallivanting around the countryside.
06:14Squandering all our money on rhythm magazines.
06:18And then you come swanning in here and expect to have your dinner on the table.
06:23And I don't know why I do it.
06:27But I've managed to throw together a slap-up dinner for two for no money at all.
06:32All the ingredients in tonight's main meal have either been grown, found or foraged.
06:37Oh dear.
06:39So, hey.
06:40Hey.
06:41Hey.
06:42Eddie.
06:46I forgive you.
06:49Come and have your din-dins.
06:51Come and have your din-dins.
07:16What do you mean, wrong? They're fresh.
07:18I drew those in the window box.
07:20Black bits all over them.
07:22Well, it's just a couple of green fly, for heaven's sake.
07:25But they're dead now. They've been under the grill for ages.
07:27Really, I've watched them pop.
07:32What's this?
07:33It's a turnip.
07:34What, are you missing the label?
07:37Why is it black?
07:38It's been grilled.
07:44They have a real texture, don't they?
07:45Fresh Vegetable.
07:47Totally different experience.
07:51Grilled lettuce?
07:52No, that's bacon.
07:54It's green!
07:56Yeah?
07:57I can't eat this. It's disgusting.
07:59Well, what are you going to do, then, Igor Morone?
08:01Blow your 30 pence on a slap-up grill down the Savoy?
08:04Pasta tea.
08:06Oh.
08:11What's this?
08:13Elm tea.
08:16The gypsies swear by it.
08:18I bet they do.
08:19I bet they say, what the bloody hell's this?
08:23God, it's like living with Lena Zavaroni.
08:29You can taste the bark, can't you?
08:32Perhaps a little less wood next time.
08:35Is there any pudding?
08:36Oh, yes. Plenty of pud.
08:37Right, I'm off.
08:40At least there's something fantastic on tally tonight.
08:43I've been looking forward to this for ages.
08:50You can't watch that, actually.
08:52And why not?
08:53Because there's something I want to watch on the other side.
08:57It's my favourite programme.
09:03This is your favourite programme?
09:04Yeah.
09:04What is it?
09:08It's a documentary.
09:09And there's a car.
09:11Great.
09:13Yeah, look, it's a documentary about fat old women.
09:15What, are you on it, then?
09:16Oh, oh, ha, ha.
09:18Oh, yeah, hysterical, Eddie.
09:19Heart-stoppingly funny.
09:20You really should be on Channel 4.
09:23No, ITV.
09:24That's the channel for me.
09:26Nothing to worry about and plenty of sauce.
09:29Really?
09:30And what particularly edifying programme
09:32have the Lights Channel prepared for us this evening
09:34that I'm not going to let us watch?
09:36It's Miss World, actually.
09:37How disgusting.
09:38The present Southampton's reports are cross-sectional.
09:41This is the precision of the measurement of aggregate change.
09:47Nice statistic.
09:48That they have the lowest proportion
09:49of the cross-sectional.
09:51And the higher the correlation...
09:53I hope it's a star rating are meeting people from...
09:56God!
09:59I hope you like running my star rating from other...
10:01...cross-sexual study can monitor change
10:04at an individual level.
10:05I ask you to...
10:10Right, that's it. Get out of my house.
10:17I beg your pardon?
10:19You heard.
10:20No, I didn't.
10:20Well, I'm not saying something like that twice, young man.
10:22Well, can't do anything about it, then, can I?
10:27Look, this is my house, so get out.
10:29You can't throw me out just like that.
10:31I've got rights, I pay rent.
10:33You're supposed to pay rent.
10:34I've never actually seen any money.
10:36Well, I've been busy, haven't I?
10:38How much is it?
10:4111,645 pounds.
10:4366 new pence.
10:45I've got 30p.
10:47You're going to get out of my house, then, haven't you?
10:49Well, it's not your house, it's your aunt's house.
10:51For the purpose of this conversation, I am my aunt.
10:55Hello, Mabel.
10:56What is she doing?
10:57Hide the fags.
10:58Hello, auntie.
10:59Right, that's it. Get out.
11:05Right, I shall go, Mabel.
11:06But I think I ought to warn you
11:07that if your nephew reads any more art magazines,
11:10he very well may go blind.
11:14Good day for you, madam.
11:19And good riddance to bad rubbish.
11:22That was clever.
11:26So let's move on finalists in this one where we're speaking.
11:30First, will you please greet number 16,
11:33Miss Domenica Ramallah.
11:40Maria is only 19 years old.
11:56I'm sorry, Ritchie.
11:58You're at the tops.
11:59Let's have another cup of that delicious elm tea.
12:03Oh, well, it's either that or nasty, Linda.
12:06Oh.
12:36Oh, dear, this isn't very sexy, is it?
12:39God, look at the knuckles on that one, there, mind you.
12:42That's because that's Michael Burke.
12:46Well, he's not very saucy, is he?
12:49I mean, I'm all for educational programmes.
12:51I just think they could, you know, sex them up a bit.
12:55What do you think, Ritchie?
12:59This is all so silly.
13:01I mean, just because the television set got jammed onto the light channel during the fall
13:06and at precisely the same moment, my trousers accidentally fell down due to heavy housework.
13:10Ritchie, there's no reason.
13:11Ritchie, don't even try it.
13:13Just put the TV back onto Miss World and we'll say no more about it.
13:20We'll say no more about it?
13:22No.
13:33Oh, well, it's a bit of a loose end for me, really.
13:53So I'll just tidy away the dinner things.
14:00Yes, just tidy away the dinner.
14:03But I cooked.
14:05And nobody ate.
14:08And I'll just throw away the vegetables.
14:13Onto that man.
14:17All the vegetables I spent all day grilling.
14:20There you go.
14:22And I'm sure that God's looking down thinking, what a good...
14:24Ritchie, I'm warning you, if you don't shut up and let me watch Miss World,
14:27I'm going to stuff your head up your bum.
14:30You'll spend the rest of your life wandering about on all fours looking for the light switch.
14:36OK.
14:36OK.
14:36Just tidy away.
14:38OK.
15:05Oh, they didn't write tunes like that anymore.
15:19I'm just a very lonely person, Eddie.
15:22I'm not very surprised!
15:30Oh, great.
15:31Miss World.
15:39Cool.
15:41Cracking birds, aren't they?
15:46Do you know how many birds there are in the world?
15:49Yeah, about three billion.
15:51Do you know how many of those I've slept with?
15:53Yeah.
15:54None.
15:54Yeah, I know.
15:55I mean, statistically, that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?
16:01Not for an ugly, fat bastard like you.
16:05I wonder what sort of great bird would suit me.
16:09Blind one?
16:11Well, blind deaf masochist, really.
16:15Yeah, I suppose you're right.
16:17I mean, me, you know, I was born at the wrong time.
16:21You see, I'm more sort of Elizabethan.
16:24You know, 13th century.
16:26Shakespeare, the French Revolution, all that.
16:30I'm just too intelligent.
16:31That's my problem.
16:33Oh, shit!
16:35I didn't expect the kettle to be hot.
16:37Oh, God, life's horrible.
16:40Why haven't I got a girlfriend?
16:43I'd look great with a girlfriend.
16:47Never had a girlfriend.
16:50Perhaps I'm the new messiah.
16:55Yeah.
16:57Maybe that's it.
17:00Get up and board.
17:02Fifty quid, thank you.
17:06Throw away your sticks.
17:08Bonk.
17:09April Fool.
17:16Oh, God, I'm bored.
17:20Where's the phone?
17:23We haven't had a phone conversation all night, Eddie.
17:26I'm great on the phone.
17:30Hello?
17:32Great.
17:35Hi.
17:36Greater.
17:40Lieutenant sex machine, homicide?
17:43Yeah, what time?
17:45Damn!
17:45I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA takes my badge.
17:49Chief!
17:49Just give me 24 hours.
17:51Oh, God.
17:53I wish I knew what all that meant.
17:57Ching.
17:59Ching, ching.
18:01Oh.
18:02Ching.
18:04Hello?
18:06Look, who is this?
18:10Just don't hurt the kid.
18:13Eddie.
18:14Eddie.
18:15It's him again.
18:16He's got Janie.
18:17Switch on the tape recorder.
18:22How much do you want?
18:2514 million billion squillion zillion dollars?
18:28What, are you crazy?
18:29Oh, you are.
18:30Sorry.
18:30Excuse me.
18:32Where am I gonna get 14 million billion squillion zillion dollars?
18:35We've only got 30 pence.
18:36Eddie blew the rest on a second hand copy of Parade.
18:42Hang on.
18:48You had £11.80, right?
18:51You spent £1.50 on the porn mag.
18:53Art pamphlet.
18:54That is beside the point.
18:56£1.50 from £11.80 leaves £10.30.
18:59And you've only got 30.
19:01P.
19:03Where's the other ten, are you grasping, little fagin'?
19:06Oh, sod off, you stupid fat git!
19:09Don't try and wriggle out of it by being all grown up!
19:13What are you squandering on?
19:15I'll put a bet on Miss World.
19:16You put a bet on Miss World?
19:18You put a bet on Miss World?
19:20Great!
19:21Ha!
19:22Ooh!
19:23Ooh!
19:23Richie, Richie, this is panorama.
19:25Oh.
19:27Ooh!
19:27Ooh!
19:28Great!
19:29Which one's ours, old chum?
19:30Miss China!
19:32Miss China!
19:32All right, where are you, my lovely?
19:34Whoop!
19:35There she is!
19:35There she is!
19:38Eddie!
19:39You haven't put our money on that old boiler, have you?
19:42Go on, me beauty!
19:43Am I the steps?
19:46That's a bit of a nasty tumble.
19:48She can't even walk!
19:50Hang on!
19:51She's lost a couple of teeth!
19:53Spit them out here!
19:53They'll never notice!
19:55Well, stop smiling, you stupid cow!
19:58God, look at her mouth!
19:59There should be a lollipop man standing on it!
20:00Stop in the traffic!
20:03Eddie, what on earth possessed you to put our money on the thing from the swamp?
20:07I've got odds of a thousand to one.
20:09She comes in ahead of the pack, we stand to make ten thousand quid!
20:14Oh, imagine it!
20:15Lying on the sun-drenched shore as the Caribbean lats at your feet.
20:19A scantily clad maiden brings you your 17th large tequila sunrise and a slap-up grill for two.
20:28Well, the way Quasimodo's going, we'll be lucky to get a wet weekend in Rygate.
20:32She's got a tattoo on her face!
20:36Now, that's just a bit of blood.
20:39Oh, Eddie.
20:41Why couldn't you put our money on something decent like Miss America?
20:44Oh, pointless, Richie, the odds were five to one on.
20:47We'd have only made two quid.
20:48Yeah, well, two quid in the hand's better than a tenner down the lav.
20:52What's wrong with the reception?
20:53It's your fault for knocking the tally, everyone. I'll give it a bang.
20:57What?
20:59I hope there's not too much damage.
21:01I'm sure the judges will take that into account.
21:05Now, tell me, for what part of lovely China do you come from?
21:08My family and the queen.
21:10I've got a word with this.
21:12Well, that's because she's talking in Chinese.
21:14Hang on, I'll give it a bang.
21:17You stupid gibberish!
21:19I'm sorry.
21:19I'm glad riding on this.
21:20I'm sorry.
21:23How do you do that?
21:25Anyone come?
21:30Are you all right?
21:32Where are you?
21:33I'm over the other side of the room.
21:35Over here?
21:35No.
21:36I'm over here.
21:37What?
21:38Over here?
21:39Yeah, this is me.
21:39Here.
21:44I didn't get any more fuse wire.
21:47It's in the kitchen drawer.
21:51There's nothing in here.
21:52That's because that's the fridge.
21:55Oh, shit!
21:56Mind the kettle's still hot.
21:57Where is it?
21:58It's standing here.
22:00Shit!
22:00I've done it again.
22:01That's three times now.
22:03Oh, God.
22:04There's no fuse wire in here.
22:06Richie?
22:06What?
22:08Hold this.
22:09What?
22:11What?
22:12What?
22:13Oh!
22:14Oh!
22:14Number 42.
22:15Mr. Robert.
22:18Oh!
22:19Oh!
22:20Stick it back in!
22:21Stick it back in my second room!
22:22Everyone, stop!
22:23Now, Eddie, please!
22:24Oh!
22:25And, second place.
22:27Number 12.
22:28Miss America.
22:29Hey, Richard!
22:31That was Miss America!
22:32The favourite!
22:32We're in with a chance!
22:33I think I'm going to face!
22:35Yeah, it's pretty exciting, isn't it?
22:37Eddie, I can't hold it much longer!
22:39Just another ten seconds!
22:41Please, it's your turn!
22:42Surely it's your turn!
22:43Oh, shut your cake off!
22:45What's the news?
22:46Miss World is...
22:48Go on!
22:48Have a go, Eddie!
22:49It's fun!
22:50Here it comes!
22:51Number 37.
22:52Miss Run!
22:55Don't believe it!
22:56It's a fix!
23:02Is there a win?
23:04Now we're lost!
23:05Knackered!
23:09Richie, are you OK?
23:12Am I...
23:13OK?
23:15No, I'm not bloody OK!
23:18Wait till I get my hands on you,
23:19you little bastard!
23:21Shit!
23:22The bloody kettle's still hot!
23:23Oh, God!
23:24Life's horrible!
23:25Ten grand down the toilet
23:26in a scalding hand!
23:28Why does fate treat me like this?
23:30Oh, well, at least things
23:31can't get any worse!
23:33Whoa!
23:33Ah!
23:41There we go.
23:43Dab and Eddie.
23:44That'll be £11,645.66 new pence.
23:48Or we could just call it quits on the rent, Richie.
23:51Richie?
23:56Richie?
23:59I'll take that as a yes, then, shall I?
24:07I'll take that as well.
24:08Dear Eddie,
24:09by the time you read this,
24:11I will be dead.
24:13I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty,
24:15but don't blame yourself,
24:17although it really is your fault.
24:21If I was alive,
24:22I would forgive you,
24:23but I'm not, so I can't,
24:25so you'll just have to live with it.
24:28Richard.
24:33Poor Blighter.
24:36All he needed was the love of a good woman.
24:40Well, not even a good one, any old woman.
24:44Slapper, we're gonna spit your weight machine
24:45and he'd be like that.
24:48And now he's got it done himself in.
24:55Well, this sort of fetish of him quit.
24:59Who left the kitchen window open?
25:02Richard, you're alive.
25:03Yes, the amount of pain I'm in would suggest so.
25:10Hello, BBC.
25:12Yes, put me through to the Miss World programme.
25:14I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms.
25:17Yeah, well, put me through to ITV, then.
25:19Hello? Hello?
25:20Would you believe it?
25:25It's just typical, isn't it?
25:27We're on the brink of winning £10,000
25:30and some ugly frog-bint scoops up all our hopes
25:35in a garlic-stained claw
25:37and discards them like some used tissue.
25:41That's very poetic, would you?
25:43Oh, sod off!
25:45Go on, sod off!
25:46Get to soddering!
25:48It's all your fault!
25:50Sod off yourself, you great fat git!
25:52It's me that just lost £10,000!
25:55Well, half of it was mine!
25:56If bloody well was not!
25:57What?!
25:58Do you think I'm gonna lie around the sun-drenched Caribbean
26:00with busfuls of dusky maidens
26:03fulfilling every sordid whim
26:04and have a great, fat, blotchy white walrus
26:07lying next to me
26:08blabbering on and on about himself
26:10and spoiling the atmosphere?
26:11No! I'm bloody not!
26:18Well, thank you very much, Edward.
26:20You learn something every day, don't you?
26:22And today I learned that you're a complete bastard.
26:26Well, I think I might turn in now.
26:28I feel so enriched.
26:31Nighty-night, Eddie.
26:35Why can't we ever bloody win anything?!
26:38Oh, don't be stupid, Richie.
26:41People like us aren't meant to win things.
26:44Well, what are we meant to do, then?
26:46Look, you get born, you keep your head down
26:49and then you die.
26:50If you're lucky.
26:53Oh, come on.
26:55There must be more to it than that.
26:59Well, there's the telly.
27:02Well, there was.
27:06Do you want me to switch the gas on?
27:11What do you mean?
27:13Go on.
27:15Top yourself.
27:17The telly's bust.
27:18It'd be a good bit of entertainment.
27:25I know you're just trying to cheer me up.
27:29And you're right, you know.
27:30You have to laugh, don't you?
27:33No, you don't really, do you?
27:36Oh, it's no good.
27:38I think I've reached my bottom.
27:41What we couldn't have done with 10,000 grand.
27:47Well...
27:51We couldn't have done anything, really, you see.
27:55I never put the bet on.
27:58I just said I did, so that you'd insist we watch this world.
28:04Well, where's the missing tenner, then?
28:06Well...
28:07I saw you picking your veg as I went out this morning.
28:11So I thought I'd better have a slap-up grill before I came home.
28:16Yum, yum.
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