'Wills Dilemma' It's Neil's eighteenth birthday and his dad is throwing him a party to which he can invite ten friends - not that he has that many. #tv #comedy #series
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00:00MUSIC
00:21Neil was about to turn 18 and to celebrate this landmark,
00:24his mum was buying him an early grave.
00:26What do you think?
00:27Best present ever.
00:29Mate, you're going to hoover up the snatch on that.
00:31I know.
00:32Can't wait to get this cast off and go for a burn.
00:34Does your mum always buy you gifts that's extravagant?
00:36Not really, but it's for me 18th, isn't it?
00:38And she did run off.
00:39Why are you getting a bike when you've already got a car?
00:41Motorbikes are cooler.
00:42Until you hit a bus and kill yourself.
00:44Oh, don't listen to Captain Sensible here.
00:45It's the ultimate clunge magnet.
00:47It's a well-known fact, if you can get a burn on the back of one of these,
00:50they just cream their knickers because of the vibration.
00:52Is it?
00:53Yeah.
00:54That's why there are no female superbike champions.
00:56They all get too horny and have to stop and fud themselves off all the time.
00:59Neil, how on earth is Jay allowed to ride your bike back without a licence or insurance?
01:03Don't shit your pants off in safety.
01:05Neil can't do it because of his arm.
01:07And the dealer's happy for me to take it because I used to be a stunt rider.
01:10It rhymes with stunt.
01:11Well, we know that's bollocks.
01:13Is it?
01:13Because I can show you a DVD of me leaping over five lorries on Blue Peter if you like.
01:17Oh, wow.
01:18Did you make it into the Guinness Book of Fictional Records?
01:20Fuck off.
01:20I don't think Tara would be happy if I got one of these.
01:22She thinks they're death traps.
01:24Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
01:25Oh, time for another Tara update.
01:27What's that supposed to mean?
01:28Nothing.
01:29Just because no one cares what Tara says or does,
01:31don't let that stop you from mentioning her every 40 seconds.
01:34Don't be a dick.
01:34I don't mention her that much.
01:35You do, mate.
01:36Oh, pardon me for having a girlfriend.
01:38Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
01:41Who's taking it back then?
01:42I am.
01:43And you say you're used to motorbikes?
01:45Of course.
01:45Dad used to drink with Lance Armstrong.
01:47What, the cyclist?
01:49Er, yeah.
01:51Right.
01:51Well, up on.
01:52I'll just show you the basics in case it's different from what you've ridden before.
01:55Yeah, can do.
01:56These are the gears.
01:57These are the brakes.
01:58They're there for stopping, right?
01:59Yeah.
02:00I presume you want to stop.
02:01Maybe.
02:03Do you need me to show that again?
02:05Nah, nah, it's all right.
02:06You never forget.
02:08It's like riding a bike, innit?
02:24I think he's used to left-hand drive.
02:26If Jay's bike riding skills weren't quite as good as he claimed, his ability to brazen
02:31it out was unparalleled.
02:32I should fucking sue him.
02:33Those tyres had no grip.
02:35They don't tend to grip so well when they're up in the air.
02:37Oh my god, that is amazing.
02:38You look such a knob.
02:40What about your bike, Neil?
02:41I know, the way he said he could ride it and then he fell off and put his head straight
02:44through that door.
02:44It's got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen.
02:47No, I mean, what are you going to do about your bike?
02:49It's not only still in Gillingham, it's now fucked.
02:51Oh no!
02:53So that's your mum's gift destroyed, what's your dad getting you?
02:55I'm getting a party on Friday, aren't I?
02:56You mean you're having a party?
02:57No, I'm getting a party for me 18th, the party dashed my present.
03:00Ha!
03:01You've got to be fucking joking, that's it!
03:03Why is that funny?
03:04Well, I'm just saying, and no offence mate, but a party around your house is the pikiest
03:0818th present I've ever heard of.
03:09Leave it at, he's not going to have much money at the moment.
03:11Oh, what, spend it all on butt plugs, is he?
03:13No, because he already owns every single one in the world.
03:16Yeah, brilliant, well done.
03:18So who's coming then, Neil?
03:19Oh, it's mostly family, but I'm allowed to invite ten friends.
03:21Ten?
03:22Oh, that's generous, considering you haven't got ten friends.
03:24Fuck off!
03:25Alright then, who are you going to ask?
03:26Well, I...
03:28Oh shit!
03:30How am I going to get ten people to come along?
03:31Well, just tell them your sister's going to be naked and your dad's promised not to bum them.
03:35Behave!
03:36Oh, can I ask Tara, see what she's up to?
03:37Yeah, nice one, has she got any fit mates?
03:39I expect so, I'm going to meet one of them after school tomorrow.
03:42I thought we were going to Waterside tomorrow, to the cinema.
03:44Yeah, we are, but, uh, Tara and Kerry are coming too.
03:46Oh, I'm well up for that.
03:48Yeah, I need to go Waterside anyway, I'm nearly out of pants.
03:50Um, you two aren't invited, it's like a double date.
03:52Whoa!
03:53What?
03:53I didn't agree to this!
03:54Oh, come on, Will.
03:56Apparently Kerry's been having a bit of a tough time recently,
03:58and Tara thinks you two would get on really well, so I said you'd be cool.
04:01Yes, but a date's quite a big thing.
04:04I mean, do you even know what she looks like?
04:05I've not seen her, but Tara says she's amazing and gorgeous.
04:09I bet she's a right dog.
04:10Just because you're not invited?
04:11Nah, she said girls always think their mates are really fit,
04:14and then when you meet them they look like a pork scratching.
04:16To be fair, Tara's pretty spot on about most things.
04:18This conversation is specifically about Tara!
04:21At best, I reckon this Kerry's a mid-level munter.
04:23I'm sure she's not.
04:24Honestly, Will, Tara says she's fit.
04:26Plus, and I probably shouldn't even tell you this,
04:28but apparently Kerry's given her last three boyfriends blowjobs.
04:31Seriously?
04:32Yep.
04:33Well, why didn't you say? What time are we meeting then?
04:36Because I didn't own a tracksuit,
04:38I'd never seen the appeal of hanging out in a shopping centre,
04:40but while Simon and Tara explored the deepest recesses of each other's mouths,
04:43I was on a date with a girl who gave out blowjobs,
04:45so things were looking up.
04:47And by things, I mean me.
04:50This is fun. Fun double date.
04:53Ha! We're just shopping.
04:54Yeah, but after that we're going to watch the new Soul film.
04:56That's like a date.
04:57Oh, yeah. I might not make that, actually.
05:00You're not scared, are you?
05:01Oh! No, I'm just not very good with blood.
05:03It's not real, Will.
05:04Yes, Simon, thank you. I am aware of how cinema works.
05:07Any blood makes me feel queasy.
05:09I'm the same. I don't like blood.
05:11Once, I saw some and I didn't like it.
05:13Right.
05:14You two are so alike.
05:16Are we? Most people don't like blood.
05:18Yeah, you are.
05:19Anyway, I saw the best out of Simon here.
05:22We won't belong. I told you two hang out.
05:25Wait, I'll come with you and...
05:26Oh, right.
05:32I like your glasses.
05:34Thanks.
05:35Do you need them to see better?
05:37Yes.
05:39So as I heard it carry off,
05:40Simon was discovering that it wasn't just Tara's boyfriend,
05:42it was also her project.
05:44Are we going to be looking around much longer?
05:46It's just my feet are really hurting.
05:47Oh, my God!
05:49There it is.
05:50You would look so cute in that.
05:53Yeah, the shirt's sort of nice.
05:55Not just the shirt, the whole thing.
05:57Really? Do you think?
05:58Why are you looking at this?
05:59I think it's great.
06:00It's so great, isn't it?
06:01I was just saying you look really good in it.
06:02He would. He'd look really good in it.
06:04Not the cardigan, though.
06:05Especially the cardigan and the bowtie.
06:07Oh, the bowtie is amazing.
06:09You should try it on.
06:10How are you suddenly so involved?
06:11Oh, yes, please. Just try it on. We don't have to buy it.
06:14But I'm going to look exactly like the dummy.
06:16Please, for me.
06:18Do you not think you'll look weird?
06:19Please!
06:21God, all right. For you, but not for him.
06:23She's a bit precious, isn't she?
06:25It was a mark of how desperate Simon was to lose his virginity
06:28that he was willing to let Tara dress him up like an eccentric, posh child.
06:33Oh, my God.
06:35It's shit, isn't it?
06:36You look adorable.
06:38He looks fantastic.
06:39My creation has come to life.
06:41I have to tell everyone.
06:43All staffed dressing.
06:44No, mate, come on.
06:45You look amazing.
06:46I really fancy you in that.
06:48Do you?
06:49Yeah.
06:49Put the glasses on.
06:55I'm going to take it off now.
06:57Not yet.
06:57You're like my wet dream.
06:59I need to get a photo.
07:00Come on, Simon.
07:01Smile.
07:03Hands off, everyone.
07:04He's mine.
07:05Simon, can I have a word about Kerry?
07:06Now, who has done this to you?
07:10Out the picture, you.
07:11Geek chic was last year.
07:12In a way, it was a compliment.
07:14I'd never been called chic before.
07:15What is it with fucking girls?
07:17They think shop assistants are their friends.
07:19They're not.
07:19You've just met them and they're trying to sell you stuff.
07:21Look, I think before this goes any further,
07:23you need to tell Tara that Kerry isn't my type.
07:25What does that mean?
07:26You've only kissed three girls.
07:28Your type is anyone who will let you.
07:29Alright, fine.
07:30Look, I don't want to seem really shallow,
07:32but she's a bit big.
07:35Is she?
07:36Oh, did it escape your notice she's a giant?
07:39So she's tall.
07:40Come on, you're always saying how desperate you are.
07:41Do you honestly think you'll get better?
07:43Yes.
07:43I'd have thought so.
07:45Really?
07:46May I remind you of Charlotte Hinchcliffe?
07:48She went out with me and she was not only fit and popular,
07:50but also normal-sized.
07:52Okay, so Kerry might not be the fittest girl ever,
07:54but she'll almost certainly give you a blowjob if you stick with it.
07:56Oh, God, I know.
07:58My head's telling me one thing and my cock another.
08:00It's a genuine dilemma.
08:02I mean, is using her for sex totally unethical?
08:04She's offering to put your penis in her mouth,
08:06not pay you to ask questions in Parliament.
08:07You'd like a blowjob, wouldn't you?
08:09Yes, obviously.
08:11Oh, God, this is a fucking nightmare.
08:13And having Neil and Jay follow us around isn't helping.
08:16What?
08:17Are you going to come out, then?
08:18I can't see you.
08:19You're not even hiding.
08:20Your new girlfriend's big, isn't she?
08:22She's not my girlfriend.
08:23No, she's fucking Canary Wolf.
08:24You can bring your girlfriend to my birthday if you like, Will.
08:26Is that a joke?
08:27No, that'll help push the numbers up.
08:29It'll help push the height up.
08:30Thanks, Simon.
08:30So, has she given you a blower yet, then?
08:32Here in Waterside?
08:33Oh, yeah, Neil, I've had two.
08:34One on the escalator and one in Nando's.
08:36Really?
08:36No, Neil.
08:37Not really.
08:38You gonna go for it, then?
08:39I mean, she's a freak, but there's nothing like a blowjob.
08:42And you'd know because you've had so many blowjobs.
08:44Yeah.
08:45When was your first, then, Jay?
08:46Oh, long time back.
08:47Many suck jobs ago now.
08:49Years.
08:50Years ago?
08:51Bollocks.
08:52I got one off the cleaner when I was 12.
08:53Who was your cleaner?
08:54Gary Glitter.
08:55Was it good?
08:55Oh, it was brilliant, mate.
08:57I pissed right in her mouth.
08:58What?
08:59Why would you do that?
09:00Is that even possible?
09:01Yes.
09:02That's how you've finished blowjobs.
09:04And she said I was the best she'd ever had.
09:06Three mouthfuls of piss.
09:07I thought she had to get on with the hoovering.
09:08Oh, hi, guys.
09:10Hi.
09:10Come on, Simon.
09:11We'd better get going.
09:12We don't want to miss the film.
09:13Yeah, we're off too, actually.
09:14Oh, no.
09:15You're off to get a zinger towel a meal?
09:18It was clear that tonight wasn't about me at all.
09:20And if you thought it would make Tara happy,
09:22Simon would have set me up on a blind date with a plastic bag full of his own shit.
09:25I don't think she's that bad.
09:27Just a bit big.
09:28Oh, that one's meant to be awesome.
09:29Completed it.
09:30It only came out last week.
09:32Completed it.
09:33What about this?
09:34Championship manager.
09:35Completed it, mate.
09:36You can't complete it.
09:38Yeah, I know, but I got so good at it that the FA offered me a role in the England
09:41set-up.
09:42Did they?
09:42I took Woking from the conference to the Champions League in six seasons.
09:46Stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed, Neil.
09:49Hey, Jay, look at this.
09:51Nice people swallow.
09:53It means spunk.
09:54Yeah.
09:55What about this one?
09:56Honk if you want a blowjob.
09:58We should stick it on Kerry.
09:59She loves giving blowjobs.
10:00We'd have to get a bigger one.
10:02Yeah, a good one.
10:03Actually, I know where this should go.
10:05After becoming possibly the first people ever to actually laugh at a bumper sticker,
10:09Jay and Neil's day got even better when they saw something rare and exotic in the shopping centre.
10:13Hey, Jay, look.
10:15Fucking hell.
10:16What's he doing here?
10:17Dunno.
10:18Shopping?
10:20Gilbert.
10:24Gilbert!
10:29A few years ago, I'd seen King Kong at the cinema.
10:32Now, I was on a date with her.
10:34This is very violent.
10:36Yeah.
10:39Do you feel alright?
10:40With the blood?
10:41Yes.
10:42Shush.
10:43Are you okay?
10:44Fine, thanks, yeah.
10:46Bit hot.
10:47Remember, it's not real.
10:50Kerry's attempt to comfort me with her massive hand did exactly the opposite.
10:54There was no way out.
10:55The horror.
10:55The hand.
10:56The horror.
10:57The hand.
10:58The hand.
10:58The horror.
10:58It was all too much.
11:00I told Simon I didn't like blood.
11:01Sorry, I think I need to get some air.
11:07I feel really faint.
11:16Fuck off!
11:17He's scared of blood!
11:21Oh, dear.
11:22I'll say this for Kerry.
11:24She made a great human popcorn shield.
11:26Meanwhile, by the time he'd driven Tara home,
11:29Simon was getting withdrawal symptoms
11:30because he'd gone more than five minutes without sticking his tongue down the throat.
11:33Well, I think that went really well.
11:35I can tell Kerry likes him.
11:37She's amazing, isn't she?
11:38So beautiful.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Sort of.
11:41She's quite tall.
11:42What do you mean?
11:43Oh, no.
11:44What are they doing?
11:45They know about me, alright?
11:46Totally.
11:47Hence the welcome party.
11:48Simon, this is my mum and dad,
11:50who happen to be stepping outside the front door for no reason, just as we arrive.
11:53Hello, Simon.
11:54I'm Tara's mum.
11:54She's told me all about you.
11:56Hello.
11:56Whereas, because I'm Tara's father, she's told me virtually nothing about you.
12:00Oh!
12:01She doesn't really know very much about me.
12:03Not that there's anything bad to know.
12:05This is your car, is it?
12:07At least you're not driving my daughter around in some souped-up deathtrap.
12:10Oh, no.
12:11It's just the stopgat, really.
12:13Trying to get enough money together to buy something less crap.
12:16Mum and Dad don't like swearing, Simon.
12:18Oh, sorry.
12:19What did I say?
12:20Oh, crap!
12:21Is crap a swear word?
12:23Crap!
12:24Let's just err on the side of caution on that one, shall we?
12:28Yeah, yeah.
12:29Sorry.
12:30It's okay.
12:32Oh, look.
12:32Someone's got a funny bumper sticker.
12:34What's this one say?
12:35Honk if you want to...
12:36Oh.
12:37What?
12:39That's not mine.
12:41Well, it's on your car.
12:42Dad, can you just go inside, please?
12:44Mum, tell him.
12:45It's all right, Simon.
12:45I can see it's meant to be a joke.
12:47I literally have no idea how they got there.
12:49It's just not very funny, though, is it?
12:51I mean, why would you want to drive around with that on the back of your car?
12:54It just makes you look dirty.
12:56I'm not.
12:57It's not like I'm obsessed with blowjobs or cocks.
13:01Honestly, I'm not.
13:03Say goodnight to Simon, Tara.
13:10So, while Simon struggled to get rid of something impossibly clingy, so did I.
13:14I don't think they should have thrown stuff.
13:15What kind of a person throws stuff at another person when that person isn't feeling very well?
13:21Anyway, thanks, Carrie, but I think I meant to walk you home.
13:23I want to make sure you get home safely.
13:26Yep.
13:26Well, here I am, so thank you.
13:31You can kiss me goodnight if you want to.
13:34Oh.
13:35Er.
13:37OK.
13:39Right.
13:45Right.
13:46Well, better go.
13:46Goodnight then.
13:47Get home safely.
13:48Nah, that's enough for tonight.
13:50Kiss me one more time.
13:52No.
13:52Night, Carrie.
13:54OK.
13:54I ran away, but she's still going on my kiss list.
13:57Number four, Big Carrie.
14:04Considering it had the combined brain power of Jay and Neil behind it, the blowjob sticker
14:08joker worked amazingly well.
14:10It's impossible to get off.
14:11Tara's dad was really angry.
14:13I'm going to have to get the car resprayed, I reckon.
14:14Try and pick a less shit colour.
14:16Brilliant.
14:16How's your girlfriend, Will?
14:17If you mean Carrie, she's not my girlfriend.
14:19Haven't she changed her Facebook status to in a relationship then?
14:21Has she?
14:23How did you find her on Facebook?
14:24It's easy when you know where to look.
14:26Well, she's in a group for lanky munters.
14:27Mate, I reckon it's all good.
14:29Tara told me something very interesting about Carrie.
14:31She bangs her head wherever she goes.
14:32No.
14:33She told me you kissed her last night.
14:35Did you use a fucking stab ladder?
14:37No.
14:38Why'd you do it?
14:38I thought you weren't interested.
14:39Oh, I don't know.
14:41I can't decide.
14:42And at that moment, it was easier to kiss her than to not kiss her.
14:45Were you scared?
14:45A bit.
14:46Sounds to me like you're closing in on that BJ.
14:48Maybe it'll even happen at Neil's party.
14:50No.
14:51No.
14:51I think it's all wrong.
14:52I'm going to de-invite her from the party.
14:54Oh, no way.
14:54She's got to come.
14:55I need to get the numbers up.
14:56Were you freeing Tara?
14:57I'm stuck on five.
14:58Four.
14:59But if Carrie comes as well, don't I make it six?
15:01Five.
15:01Taking her to the party is a bit like admitting we're going out,
15:04when all I really want from her is a blowjob.
15:06It would be morally wrong.
15:07Look, why not just get the blowjob and then see how you feel?
15:10I've got an idea.
15:11Why not get the blowie, ask for a fuck?
15:13If she says no, then dump her.
15:14Brilliant.
15:14Well, I'd like to thank everyone for their fucking useless advice.
15:18I don't know what your problem is.
15:19I've never been out with a girl I liked anyway.
15:21What, apart from the last one who made you cry?
15:23Will?
15:24Oh, that is bang out of order.
15:26What?
15:26After everything he said?
15:28Yeah, but some things just aren't okay.
15:31You all right, Jay?
15:32Yeah, I'm fine.
15:34Apologise.
15:34For that?
15:35Yes, for that.
15:37Well, I've literally no idea what the rules are then.
15:40Oi, Jay, Jay.
15:42Waterside.
15:43Waterside.
15:44Waterside.
15:45What did you say?
15:47Nothing.
15:49Right.
15:50A week's after school detention.
15:51For both of you.
15:52Oh, what?
15:53Two weeks.
15:54Ah, come on, sir.
15:55Three weeks?
15:55But, sir...
15:56Four weeks detention?
16:02Starting tonight.
16:03See you later.
16:05Oh, fucking hell.
16:07Now I'm going to be late to my party.
16:09Right.
16:09Okay.
16:10I've made up my mind.
16:11You're right.
16:11Maybe a blowjob is worth it.
16:13I'm going to play the long game with Kerry.
16:15Just make sure you don't play the tall game.
16:16She'd win every time.
16:17Because she's tall.
16:18Yes.
16:19I get it.
16:20I get it.
16:22That evening, as we stared at Neil's impossibly attractive sister,
16:25two thoughts crossed my mind.
16:27Surely she must be adopted, and could this party get any worse?
16:30Turns out, it could.
16:31Oh, I say.
16:33What must you think of me racing around the house in my briefs,
16:36like we're at some sort of Roman orgy?
16:39Neil will be back in a minute.
16:41He's just finishing off up after Jazz Club.
16:44Okay.
16:45You know it's not a fancy dress, Simon.
16:47I'm not in fancy dress.
16:48It's a new look for Simon.
16:49I chose it.
16:50You should get your girlfriend to dress you too, Will.
16:53You look like shit.
16:55She's really rude to you.
16:57Did you two have a thing?
16:58Well, with Katie, he wishes.
17:01I don't understand.
17:02Come on, Keza.
17:03Let's go and get our men some more drinks.
17:06Lager for William.
17:07Ah.
17:10Maybe the cheap French beer will numb the shame of being seen in public with her.
17:13Oh, come on.
17:14It's fine.
17:15She's nice.
17:15Is the definition of nice someone who's a bit boring and embarrassing and much taller than you?
17:20Aye, aye, Si.
17:20You didn't tell me you joined JLS.
17:22Brilliant.
17:23And you've come as a nerd.
17:24Yes, very droll.
17:25He's Bigfoot here.
17:26You know, your girlfriend.
17:28Oh, God.
17:29I can't go through with it.
17:30I don't fancy carrying.
17:31I can't keep stringing her along.
17:33It's not right, is it?
17:34Or is it?
17:35That's nice.
17:36Fucking Donovan did it.
17:37He pinned me down in detention.
17:39Oh, Neil.
17:39What is that monstrosity?
17:41It was an accident.
17:42You remember?
17:42I fell off the garage.
17:43No, not the cast.
17:44What's on it?
17:45Cover it up.
17:45Your granny's gonna be here in a minute.
17:47Neil.
17:49I thought he would have liked it.
17:50Why?
17:51Well, it's covered in cocks.
17:52Behave.
17:52How was the tension?
17:54It was alright apart from that.
17:55I even managed to give out a couple of invites.
17:57Did you?
17:58Yeah, whilst you were getting changed.
17:59I told them to be here early, so that should be them now.
18:01Oh, please be fit.
18:02Please be fit.
18:06Hello.
18:07Brilliant.
18:07It's a bring-a-freak party.
18:09Say what you like, but with these two, us four and your girlfriends, that's got me up
18:13to the magic ten.
18:14Eight.
18:16Ah, shit.
18:17Neil, is it okay if I brush my teeth?
18:19No.
18:20It is not.
18:21Well, Big John and David made it official.
18:24Neil's was the worst 18th birthday party ever.
18:28Unless you were silent.
18:30Ah, get out of the room.
18:32Sorry, mate.
18:33Actually, can we use your room?
18:34Depends, what for?
18:35What do you think?
18:36You've lost me.
18:37I want to spend some time alone and not in your kitchen with Tara.
18:40Oh, right.
18:41Time together, yeah?
18:42What for?
18:43Neil?
18:44Oh, right.
18:45That.
18:46Oh, go on then.
18:47Cheers, mate.
18:50Oh, try not to spunk on the sheets.
18:53Do you want any more crisps, Grant?
18:54And I was left with Kerry, who might give me a blowjob, but might also swallow the rest
18:58of me.
18:59Oh, there you are.
19:04Oh, sorry.
19:06Am I alarmed?
19:07No.
19:08Why don't you come and sit on my lap instead?
19:10Fun to your room to both sit down.
19:11Okay, Mr Grump Grumps.
19:13Kerry, um, we need to talk.
19:15We are talking.
19:16No.
19:17Not here.
19:18In private.
19:19Oh, good.
19:20More kissing.
19:21You're a really good kisser.
19:23Am I a bad kisser?
19:24I bet I'm a rubbish kisser, aren't I?
19:26Do you think I'm a good kisser, then?
19:27Okay, Kerry, I'm really sorry to do this.
19:29What?
19:30We're not going out.
19:31Yes, we are.
19:32No, we aren't.
19:33I don't want to be a boyfriend.
19:34If anyone asks, I never was, alright?
19:36Oh.
19:38That didn't come out perfectly, but you know what I mean.
19:40I'll give you a blowjob.
19:42I'm sure that you will, Kerry, but I just can't accept.
19:44Is it because I'm a bit taller than you?
19:48No.
19:57Calm down.
19:59You can't be that upset.
20:01We were never really going out.
20:03We only met the other day.
20:08She just had some bad news.
20:12I hope Will and Kerry are getting on, okay?
20:15Oh.
20:16She's such a sweetheart, and she's had such a rough time.
20:20I'd love it if she met someone really nice.
20:22What do you think?
20:23Yeah, definitely.
20:24Does Will really like her?
20:26Whatever you want.
20:27I said, does Will really like her?
20:29Can we not talk about Will right now?
20:31It's putting me off.
20:34Oh, God, that sounded like Kerry.
20:37Better go and check if she's okay.
20:38I'm sure she's fine.
20:39Simon, you know what she's been through?
20:44Oh, for fuck's sake.
20:45Well, don't fucking bother starting me off if you're not going to finish it.
20:48Sorry, did you say something?
20:49No.
20:53He dumped me.
20:54Oh, dear.
20:55He led me on.
20:56That's not strictly true, is it, Kerry?
20:58He tried to have sex with me, and then he dumped me.
21:01Is that correct, Kerry?
21:02You should be ashamed of yourself.
21:04For what?
21:05I've actually been really nice.
21:06You took advantage of her.
21:08No, I didn't.
21:09I think that's pretty low.
21:10Do you really?
21:12Tom, are you okay, Kazza?
21:14He dumped me.
21:16No, I couldn't have, because we were never going out.
21:19He used me, and then he dumped me because I'm so big.
21:24Oh, I don't know how you can do this.
21:25Especially after everything Kerry's been through.
21:27It hasn't been an easy ride for me, either, trying to stay out of her clutches.
21:30Her dad died last month.
21:37Well, that's awful.
21:39Obviously.
21:43But not.
21:44Not what?
21:45Well, it's not...
21:48It's not relevant, is it?
21:49You disgust me.
21:51Oh, I think you should leave.
21:53But I've done nothing wrong.
21:54The dad timing is unfortunate, but it's not my fault.
21:58If you're interested in the truth, Kerry hands out blowjobs like they're going out of fashion,
22:01and by all accounts I'm one of the only people to have turned her down.
22:03I hate you!
22:05Well, I want you to leave.
22:07What?
22:07For turning down oral sex from the Empire State Building?
22:10For trying to let her down gently rather than placing my glands into a stupid boring mouth?
22:15Well, I want you to leave my house and never come back.
22:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:21What's going on?
22:22I've been told to leave for dumping a girl I wasn't going out with.
22:25Oh, fuck.
22:25And by the way, did you not think it important to mention at any stage that Kerry's dad had died?
22:29Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot.
22:31Didn't forget about the blowjobs, though, did you?
22:33Oh, no.
22:34You were all about the blowjobs.
22:35Couldn't stop going on about the blowjobs.
22:37But the dead dad, that just slipped your mind.
22:39Well, thanks very much, Simon.
22:40See you at school, mate.
22:42To be fair to Simon, I'd have probably forgotten my own mother's name if Tara had been wanking me off.
22:48Life is so unfair.
22:50Yes, and?
22:51Neil's dad phoned my mum and I've been grounded for three weeks and I did nothing wrong.
22:54Not nothing.
22:56Yes, nothing.
22:57If anything, I did the right thing by not letting her give me a blowjob.
23:00You didn't handle it brilliantly, though, did you?
23:01Okay, so right and wrong don't matter.
23:03It's all about presentation, is it?
23:04It's like with me and Gilbert.
23:05I did nothing and I got a mump's detentions.
23:08You did say waterside.
23:09Yes, nothing.
23:10It's not offensive.
23:11It's not a swear word.
23:12Yeah, but...
23:12Yeah, but what?
23:13What, do I have to draw you a fucking picture?
23:15I said waterside and I got a mump's detentions.
23:17How is that fair?
23:18Anyway, sorry for ruining your birthday, Neil.
23:20No, not at all.
23:21It was awesome.
23:22Was it?
23:23Yeah, after you guys left and me dad went a bit, Kerry gave me a blowie upstairs.
23:27What?
23:28Did she?
23:28Because Tyra said...
23:30Fuck off!
23:31Tyra said she was still really upset about it the next day.
23:33Well, yeah, that was the only downside.
23:35She was still crying a little bit on the first one.
23:37Oh, God.
23:39It may not have been extravagant, but Neil will always remember his 18th.
23:43Mainly because Jay drove his mum's gift into a wall,
23:46Simon ejaculated on his duvet, and I ruined the evening by comparing the grieving girl I was supposedly seeing
23:51to an immense, cocksucking American landmark.
24:16What?
24:18Go to err, colonel he was still finding....
24:18oops, he was so thankful for that.
24:18Until now.
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