'Thorpe Park' Simon passes his driving test at the first attempt, less on account of his skills than the fact that Tracey, the saucy examiner, finds him cute. As promised, he agrees to take his three friends to Thorpe Park. #tv #comedy
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00:20So, I'm halfway through my first term at a new school.
00:23Nice bad, Stephen.
00:24And, well, it could have been worse.
00:26I won't get you.
00:27I still have all my limbs.
00:28Wait!
00:28Just.
00:30I've met loads of new people.
00:32And, best of all, no one's tried to fuck my mum yet.
00:35She's fit.
00:36She is fit.
00:37I don't have a wank over my mum.
00:39And, unlike my old school, there were girls here.
00:41And if there's one thing I now know about girls, and let's face it, there is only one thing I
00:45now know about girls,
00:46it's the boys who drive are a whole lot more attractive than those who don't.
00:51As he was the oldest, our chances of getting a car to impress the ladies rested on Simon's shoulders.
00:57Gently does it.
00:58Oh, and his stupid, uncoordinated size 10 feet.
01:01Careful.
01:02A little bit more.
01:04I'm just not great at parallel parking.
01:34Bollocks!
01:40So it looked like it might be quite some time before we were picking up girls in a car.
01:48All right, Jane.
01:49I have just had the best lesson ever.
01:52Jack Stevens dropped his ruler next to Miss Tim's.
01:54And when she bent over to pick it up, I saw loads of leg on the way down and a
01:58little bit of tit on the way up.
02:00You lucky git.
02:01Oh, yeah.
02:01And it's all locked away up here in the visual wank bank.
02:04I thought you passed your written test.
02:06Yeah, I did.
02:06But I've got the practical tomorrow.
02:08I thought this might give me a few tips.
02:09Um, I don't think there is a section on how not to be a whining little bitch.
02:13Brilliant.
02:13If you passed, we could go on a road trip.
02:15Could do.
02:16Maybe we could see what Carly's doing and go somewhere with her.
02:18Look, a car's like a mobile pulling machine.
02:20Forget about Carly.
02:21Forget about all the girls at this school.
02:23There's a whole world of pussy out there.
02:25He's right.
02:26Although he expressed it like a terrible misogynist.
02:29Why don't you come to Fort Park?
02:30There's always loads of birds here.
02:31Oh, my gosh, yes.
02:33Fort Park!
02:34I can get you free tickets.
02:36How?
02:36I work there.
02:38Mopping up sick.
02:39Some sick.
02:39How come you never mentioned you work at Fort Park before?
02:41I used to work at Asda and you never asked about that.
02:43I suppose your old man needs the money.
02:45He doesn't, actually.
02:46But paying for rent boys can't be cheap, Neil.
02:48Why, my dad's not bent.
02:49Why is he paying for rent boys, then?
02:50He's not.
02:51Well, they give him freebies.
02:52Look, I think we should lay off Neil a bit.
02:54Is it right, Neil, that Fort Park has one of only two pulley launch coasters outside North America?
02:58I don't know.
02:59It is right.
03:00I don't know if my dad will let me go anyway.
03:02What's it got to do with your dad?
03:03He's paying for my car.
03:04He might not let me do long journeys yet.
03:06Surely he'll want you to get sucked off by a little lovely on the teacup ride.
03:09Are there really loads of girls there, Neil?
03:11Oh, yeah.
03:12Sometimes on the rides, their boobs pop out.
03:14You only get a split second of ticks.
03:15They're going at about 70 miles an hour.
03:17But it's still good, though.
03:18This is perfect.
03:19Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride...
03:24The man's cock in the bushes.
03:25The nemesis Inferno.
03:27Oh, this is going to be awesome if I pass my test.
03:32Rollercoasters and tits.
03:33This is going to be brilliant if I pass my test.
03:36Despite our excitement, we knew it would take a miracle for Simon to pass his test.
03:41But miracles often come in unlikely packages.
03:45Hello, Simon.
03:47I'm Tracy, your examiner for today's test.
03:49Hello.
03:50Don't look so nervous.
03:51I'm not going to eat you.
03:53So, how are you feeling?
03:55Ready to be, um, examined?
03:58I'm a bit nervous.
03:59It's perfectly natural, sweetheart.
04:01We just need to loosen you up.
04:06Ease into it.
04:07Now, the first part of the test is a doddle.
04:10All you've got to do is sing out the registration plate of that blue car.
04:14Um, okay, it's...
04:17It's, um, E-O-S...
04:21No, 5-1-C-U-Z.
04:29Shit, it's a V, not a U, isn't it?
04:30Well, technically, yes, but, um, you get a pass on that one for having such pretty eyes.
04:37Right, to the Batmobile, Robin.
04:40Sorry?
04:41Off you pop to your car.
04:45Nice.
04:54Why don't you just let me help you with that?
05:03So, Simon, have you got a girlfriend?
05:05Is this part of the test?
05:06No, but I will fail you if you say yes.
05:10Right, just slip it into first and pull out of the centre slowly.
05:14Shit.
05:15Stalled it.
05:17False start.
05:18Just relax.
05:19Try again.
05:22Ooh.
05:24Ooh, you're shaking.
05:26Oh, I've failed, haven't I?
05:27Shush, shush, silly.
05:28No one's going to fail here.
05:31Um, right, I'm not sure that's helping with the nerves, actually.
05:34Simon, if you don't want my help, you've only to say.
05:36But trust me, I know how difficult this test can be.
05:50Good boy.
05:52You steer, and I'll do the pedals.
05:54That's the tricky bit.
05:59Simon never did tell us what happened on his driving test.
06:22I passed!
06:23Yay!
06:24I passed!
06:25First time!
06:26So you owe me that, you little shit!
06:27Hey, I didn't shake on it!
06:28A bet's a bet.
06:29Unlucky.
06:30Oh, well done, Simon.
06:32We knew you'd pass.
06:33Your dad's just bringing round your new car.
06:36Oh, God, Mum, this is brilliant.
06:37That is not fair.
06:38You're not allowed to touch it.
06:39Well, we're very proud of you.
06:41It's a Fiat or something, but he says it is second-hand.
06:44Oh, God, Mum, that doesn't matter.
06:45This is so cool.
06:54That is the gayest car I've ever seen.
06:58Oh, no.
07:00Dad.
07:01Really?
07:03Really?
07:04It might not look much.
07:05It's a great little runner, and you won't be able to get up enough speed in it to kill yourself.
07:08I don't want it.
07:09Come on.
07:10It's a special edition.
07:11A Hawaii.
07:13I bet you're made to school.
07:14I think it's cool.
07:14I can't go to school in it.
07:16Well, if I was a girl, I'd think whoever drove this was pretty trendy.
07:20Are you trying to wind me up?
07:21Why are you saying these things?
07:22Well, I think you should just be a bit more grateful, to be honest.
07:25Oh, Christ, it's got a tape deck.
07:26See?
07:27That's good.
07:28No, it's not.
07:29You can't even buy tapes anymore.
07:31Oh, you're being melodramatic again.
07:33Now, why don't you go and show Will?
07:35I bet he'll be jealous.
07:36Yeah, he'll be really jealous of how yellow it is.
07:38Be careful.
07:39That's the most valuable present you'll ever get.
07:41I fucking hope not.
07:43I heard that.
07:47The good news was that Simon had passed.
07:49The not-so-good news was bright yellow and part in my driveway.
07:53Well, I don't think it's too bad.
07:55It's not great, though, is it?
07:57No.
07:58But don't look at the external realities.
08:00Think of the immense possibilities.
08:01Yes, it's a Cinquecento Hawaii, but it's also freedom.
08:05It's the possibility of driving our own destiny.
08:08We can be what we want now.
08:09Push our lives literally in the direction we want them to.
08:11Oh, Christ, is that a tape deck?
08:13Check out the Bender-mobile.
08:14It looks like a Pino's car.
08:16He's just jealous because his family haven't discovered fire yet.
08:19You fucking what, Mackenzie?
08:20Nothing, nothing.
08:21Oh, hello, Mrs Mackenzie.
08:22Oh, hello, Mark.
08:24Is this your car?
08:24Oh, no, it's Cooper's.
08:26Oh.
08:27Shame about the colour, Simon.
08:28Right.
08:29Um, Mum, we're just off to Thorpe Park and we're running a bit late,
08:32so we should probably go now.
08:33Thorpe Park?
08:34To ride roller coasters?
08:36Is it safe?
08:37Yes, it's incredibly safe.
08:39Well, wouldn't you be frightened?
08:40You cried when he went on the ghost train.
08:42I was five years old.
08:44Mum, please.
08:46Oh, I just worry about you, Pepple.
08:47Oh, actually, I should get you a jumper.
08:50Go.
08:51Just drive before she gets back.
09:05Simon's dad needn't have worried.
09:06There was no danger of him getting up enough speed to kill himself,
09:10despite the fact Thorpe Park would be shutting in a few hours.
09:13Where's your new car then, Si?
09:15Round here.
09:16Fuck me.
09:17Do you get a free Barbie when you buy one of these?
09:19Shotgun?
09:20After you.
09:20I called Shotgun.
09:22What?
09:23Shotgun.
09:24It means I get the front seat.
09:25In what way could it possibly mean that?
09:27It just does.
09:28Look, we drive over here with me in the front seat.
09:31We've come to pick you up.
09:32We've picked you up.
09:33Now in you get.
09:34And I'll return to my previous position.
09:36It's not happening, freak.
09:37I called Shotgun.
09:38He's right, he did call it.
09:39What?
09:40You're backing him?
09:41Get in the back, Will.
09:43Ow, ow, all right, I'm getting in.
09:45Get off.
09:45I'm hoping you're flexing.
09:46My bones will pop out.
09:49So we had a car.
09:50It was a shit car, but it was still a car.
09:53All we needed now were some girls.
09:56Hey, oi.
09:56Up ahead.
09:57Cough and a muff.
09:59Pull alongside him, Si.
10:00I can't, I'm not turning left.
10:01It's against the highway code.
10:03Well, just beep him.
10:04No.
10:04Don't be such a pussy.
10:05Oi, no, get off.
10:07All right, all right.
10:12Hello, lovelies.
10:13Follow him.
10:14All right, I suppose.
10:18Cheers.
10:18Shit, it's still there.
10:19Oh, you dickheads.
10:21They're getting away.
10:22Jesus, you make it sound like we're about to attack them.
10:24I can't believe you lost the muff wagon.
10:25What are we going to do anyway?
10:27Follow them till they're forced to drive to a police station?
10:30They love it, you talk.
10:31It's called flirting.
10:32Yeah, a terrifying and unsolicited form of flirting.
10:35And if you didn't drive like such an old woman, we might actually catch up with them.
10:38I'm not going to risk our necks for some random girl.
10:41Yeah, well, I'd give a left bollock for them, so get a fucking move on.
10:43Actually, I think that's them up ahead.
10:45Yes, we've caught up with them.
10:46Do a left.
10:48What are you doing?
10:49Pull out.
10:50No.
10:50There's a space.
10:51You can go now.
10:52No, it's not safe.
10:53Are you winding me up?
10:54Look, go now.
10:55Thought parts can be closing soon, Si.
10:57Look, fuck off, all right?
10:58I've just crossed my test and I'm not going to crash because you twats can't wait two minutes.
11:02Just fucking go.
11:03There's a gap, quickly.
11:04All right, for fuck's sake.
11:16Oh, shit.
11:18Now look what you've made me do.
11:20Oh, God.
11:21Why are they going so fucking slowly?
11:23Yeah, I mean, it's almost as if they don't want to see their dilly departed fly out the back onto
11:27the A320.
11:29Oh, God.
11:31It wasn't a great start to our first road trip.
11:33And knowing our luck, they'd be burying them at Thorpe Park.
11:44It's fair to say overtaking dead bodies wasn't Simon's strong point.
11:48By the time we finally got to Thorpe Park, we only had two hours of valuable roller coaster time left.
11:55I can't believe you lost a muff, you bellend.
11:57They were giving us the come on.
11:58Yeah, by driving away as fast as possible.
12:01They wanted us to chase them.
12:03But it's hard to have a chase when you don't go over 30.
12:05It's 30 for a reason.
12:07Look, I think we should remember today is about roller coasters.
12:09And Simon's got us here safely.
12:11I thought it was about me passing my test.
12:13Yes, as well.
12:14But mainly it's about Nemesis Inferno.
12:17No, today is about tits.
12:19And we are in luck.
12:20Get them.
12:21Right.
12:23Park it!
12:26Quickly, you dickheads!
12:27Fuck off!
12:32I'm not waiting any longer.
12:39Oh, no!
12:42Oh, shit!
12:43Oh, dear.
12:44Your dad's not going to be pleased, is he?
12:46God, look what you've done!
12:48Christ, I've only had it a day!
12:49Oh, you're in the shit.
12:52Where are you going?
12:52My dad's going to go mental.
12:54I've got to get this fixed.
12:55But the roller coasters.
12:56I don't care.
12:57I have to get this fixed.
12:58But, Simon, we've come so far.
13:01Neil's sister's boyfriend is a mechanic.
13:03He'll fix it.
13:04Is he?
13:05Well, there you go, then.
13:06Well, go and find Neil.
13:07His sister's boyfriend will fix the car,
13:09and your dad will be none the wiser.
13:11And as we've travelled all this way,
13:12we might as well enjoy the rides.
13:15But my car!
13:16Simon, look at me.
13:17Look at me.
13:18I guarantee the Nemesis Inferno will cheer you up.
13:21Or think about them little lovelies.
13:23They're in there with their tits in there.
13:25Come on.
13:26Let's go and find Neil for you.
13:28Can't we just phone him?
13:29He's at work, Si.
13:30He can't take personal calls.
13:32We're going to have to go in there if we want to talk to him.
13:34But what about my car door?
13:35What if someone nicks it?
13:36We'll take it with us.
13:37They'll definitely have a place to store it.
13:40Fine.
13:40For fuck's sake.
13:43We have baby changing and disabled access for limited rights.
13:46Right.
13:47Not really what I asked, though.
13:49We don't have anywhere to store car doors.
13:52Turns out they don't have anywhere to store car doors.
13:54Knew it.
13:55Fine.
13:56We'll take turns carrying it, then.
13:57I'm not carrying it.
13:58Fuck not carrying it.
13:59You're paying for it as well, mate.
14:00Me?
14:01Why?
14:01Because you ripped it off.
14:02You reversed.
14:03Yeah, but you're the one who ripped it off.
14:04Hey, let's not argue.
14:06Let's just get in there.
14:07Have some fun.
14:08Face it.
14:09If you could park properly, this wouldn't have happened.
14:11Yeah?
14:11Well, I'm the only one who can drive, so you can fuck off.
14:13I can drive.
14:14I took an army driving course when I was 10.
14:16Bollocks.
14:17You still wet the bed when you were 10.
14:19Yeah.
14:19I wet your mum's bed with my spunk.
14:21Yeah.
14:22Brilliant.
14:23When we got into the park, I realised it had been worth ruining the dignified man's funeral
14:27for.
14:27It was amazing.
14:29We may have lost the, hmm, tits, but the roller coaster was still in our sights.
14:34First up, we had to find Neil, if only to stop Simon bitching about his car.
14:38I'm not paying for it.
14:40Yes, you are.
14:40Good luck with that.
14:41Let's just find Neil.
14:43What's that?
14:45You all right, Mr. Monkey?
14:48Does he need help?
14:50Help, help.
14:52No, no, no, no, no.
14:54He's gone mental.
14:55No, no, no, no.
14:55Oh, fucker.
14:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, wasp, wasp, wasp, wasp, wasp, in me costume.
15:08Oh, God, that hurts.
15:10Stupid bloody wasps.
15:11Neil, I need to speak to you about your sister's boyfriend.
15:14Oh, Jesus, Neil.
15:16Christ, you're naked under there.
15:19I really don't think it's a good idea to be naked if you're working with kids.
15:22But Mr. Monkey isn't naked.
15:23He's got a waistcoat and a hat.
15:24No, not Mr. Monkey, Neil.
15:27You.
15:27But I'm in the suit.
15:29Yes, naked.
15:30Look, I'm in agony here.
15:31Put some of that cream on my stings.
15:33God, all right, then.
15:34The worst ones are on my back.
15:35And arse.
15:36Fuck that.
15:37Look, you lot can stay here and fingernail's arse if you wanna.
15:40But I'm off to find the clunge.
15:42Neil, seriously, can you put it away so we can talk?
15:45Put some clothes on.
15:46All right, all right.
15:49Oh, not again.
15:52What?
15:53They're always doing this round here.
15:54They're bunkers.
15:55They've nicked my clothes.
15:56Where would they have put them?
15:57I don't know.
15:58Last time this happened, they burnt them.
15:59Burnt them?
16:00Please hurry up.
16:01We can't go on the roller coaster if you're naked.
16:03Oh, don't worry.
16:04I'll get something out of the lost property bin.
16:05There's always stuff in there.
16:07With the stench from Neil's arse still hot in my nostrils, we headed for Nemesis.
16:12Though technically dressed, the clothes Neil had picked from lost property made him look
16:16surprisingly like a Brazilian male prostitute.
16:19I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.
16:22Oh, sounds like they're thrill-seekers too.
16:24Oh, I hope they're cock-seekers too.
16:25Brilliant.
16:26See ya.
16:27Neil, I seriously need to speak to you about my car.
16:30What?
16:30Your sister's boyfriend works in a garage, doesn't he?
16:32Yeah, he works in a garage.
16:33Will he be working tonight?
16:34Probably.
16:35He works most evenings.
16:36Brilliant.
16:36Perfect.
16:37That's sorted.
16:38The park's about to close, so we'll go on Nemesis now, and then we can deal with your
16:41car later.
16:41But we'll go on the Nemesis now.
16:43I suppose so.
16:49Hello?
16:51Yes, I got your text.
16:53Yes, I'm safe.
16:55No, I'm not crying.
16:57So far, the only terrifying experience I'd had all day was seeing Neil's cock and balls,
17:01but now the Nemesis Inferno was tantalisingly close.
17:04This is your last chance to queue for Nemesis Inferno.
17:08The ride is now closing.
17:09Shit, still are they all cute?
17:11That's nothing.
17:12I almost waited three hours for the Indiana Jones ride to Disneyland Paris.
17:15You are mental.
17:16Mental.
17:17Why is enjoying things mental?
17:18This place is full of muff, but you're only interested in roller coasters.
17:22Girls are everywhere, Jay.
17:24The best rides in the country are only here.
17:26You sound like you're faulty.
17:27Well, I'm queuing, and I'm getting in a separate queue for the front four seats.
17:30The front's the best.
17:31This ride is now closing.
17:33Si, you coming?
17:34Are you sure your sister's boyfriend will be working tonight, Neil?
17:36Yeah, I told you he works evenings.
17:38Well, that's sorted then.
17:40Now, can we please get on the ride?
17:41Shotgun the outside seats?
17:42No, you can't shotgun a roller coaster.
17:45Well, it just did.
17:49Oh, yes.
17:50You know this is one of the only two versions of this roller coaster outside of the US?
17:54And I promise, although it's taken a little bit longer...
17:57Half a fucking hour longer.
17:59To queue for the front, it will be worth it.
18:03Unencumbered thrills.
18:04And we can come back all year, thanks for Neil.
18:05Come on, we're up.
18:06Room for one more at the front?
18:08Sorry?
18:09One more at the front.
18:10How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?
18:13Well, there's three people on the front, so there's a spare seat there.
18:16Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just rewind a bit, shall we?
18:18Why are there now three people at the front?
18:20Sir, if you could just get on.
18:21They've pushed in!
18:22We've spent over an hour queuing specifically for the front, and they've pushed in!
18:26Sir...
18:27Get them off!
18:27Get them off and make them move!
18:29Fucking push it in!
18:30Will, it doesn't matter.
18:31We'll sit at the back.
18:31Sir, if you could...
18:32Are they so dumb, they think it's okay to push in?
18:35Make them move!
18:36Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride!
18:37Sir, it's the last ride of the day.
18:39Please get on.
18:40Will, honestly, it doesn't matter.
18:41Just get on.
18:41Fine!
18:42Fucking fine!
18:43I'll just get on!
18:44I'll just get on!
18:45And sit at the front next to these inconsiderate arseholes!
18:55I'm the worst human made in the world.
18:57I'm the worst human made in the world!
18:59I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:08I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:10I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:12I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:14I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:14I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:15I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:15I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:16I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:16I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:16I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:17I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:17I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:18I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:18I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:20I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:22I'm the worst human made in the world!
19:33When I look back on my life, I'm pretty sure that ride will be a low point, but with a
19:38bit of luck, the others wouldn't find out who I'd insulted.
19:41Don't run the front.
19:44Oh no, Will.
19:47Oh my God.
19:48Oh Will.
19:49Oh my God.
19:50Don't.
19:51Arsehole.
19:52This is the best.
19:53You're going to hell.
19:54Please don't.
19:56So I'd finally got to ride the nemesis, which wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped.
20:00It would be a long journey home, made longer by Simon carrying the door, and my heavy sense
20:05of shame.
20:06Well it can't be too hard to find, it's the colour of my hand's piss.
20:09Why are you watching your nan piss?
20:11Oh Christ.
20:12What am I going to say to my parents?
20:14Will the door go back on?
20:15Stop shitting yourself.
20:17All right, Neil said his sister's boyfriend will be able to fix it.
20:19Oh, he won't be able to fix that.
20:20What?
20:21You said he'd be able to fix it no problem.
20:22You said he was in a garage.
20:24He does.
20:24BP garage.
20:25He mucks about with cars, but he won't be able to fix that in a million years.
20:29The door's come off.
20:30Oh, this is a disaster.
20:31My dad's going to go mad.
20:33It'll be fine.
20:34We'll find someone else to fix it.
20:35I know a bloke who builds Formula One cars.
20:37He owes me a favour.
20:38I don't think your mate-believe friend will fix this.
20:40Look, we'll find a proper mechanic on the way back.
20:41It can't be too hard.
20:42As long as it's fixed good as new and my parents don't know, that's all I care about.
20:46Oh look, here it is.
20:47Car part D.
20:49Ah.
20:50Oh dear.
20:51What the fuck has happened?
20:59Holy shit, what's happened?
21:00At least they left the tape deck.
21:02I don't believe this.
21:03There's no explaining this to my dad.
21:05I mean, who and why?
21:13Yes.
21:14That makes sense.
21:16Fuckers.
21:16Let's get them.
21:17Jay, I'm not going to chase after and then fight the Happy Foundation bus.
21:21Oh, we're getting home then.
21:26It's true.
21:27Girls do like cars.
21:28They just don't like shitty little yellow cars that ruin funerals and don't have all
21:32the doors they were made with.
21:34Girls are also less keen on boys who wear speedos, borderline sex pests and people who
21:40insult the disabled.
21:42Inconsiderate arseholes.
21:44But it's not all bad.
21:46What we learned today is there isn't a car on the planet that can make us cool.
21:49Whatever state it was in.
21:53Dan, what you need to know is it wasn't my fault.
21:55What?
21:56I'm sorry but it wasn't my craziest week.
22:00Like a party by the wise and foos and then deceit.
22:06So I'm moving to New York cause I've got issues with my sleep.
22:12Looks like Christmas came early.
22:15Christmas came early for me.
22:22Rock.
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