'The Fashion Show' Jay is annoyed when Carli asks Simon and not him to be a model in her charity fashion show, the proceeds going towards a kidney machine to help the unaccountably popular wheelchair-bound Alistair Scott. #tv #comedy #series
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00:20My name is Will McKenzie, and my first year in state education has been an unqualified success.
00:25And by unqualified, I mean I've failed all my exams.
00:28That said, I have made three friends, yup, three whole friends in one year, and they're the
00:33sort of friends everyone should have.
00:35Ones that are so tragic, they almost make someone like me look normal.
00:41But things were going to be different this year.
00:42For one, Jay could now drive, meaning we had a choice of which shit embarrassing car we
00:46got a lift to school in.
00:47Simon's was more yellow, but Jay's was more dangerous.
00:51Morning benders, jump in the minge-mobile.
00:54Strange thing to call your mum's car.
00:58Jay driving us to school really did make me feel like royalty.
01:01Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.
01:04Roundabout, Jay!
01:06Giveaway to the fucking left!
01:09Stupid old bint.
01:10I think it's the right, mate.
01:11Is it?
01:13Oh wait, yeah, that does sound familiar.
01:15What's that in your ear?
01:16Oh, it's a piercing.
01:17It's just a stud for now, but my dad's mining me a diamond to put in it.
01:20Cool.
01:21Hang on.
01:21Have you had the left ear pierced?
01:23Yes.
01:24In the other one you get pierced to show you're gay?
01:25Fuck off!
01:26Oh yeah, that is the gay one.
01:28Well, there's a quick way to tell you, which ear has your dad got pierced?
01:30Neither, because he's not bent.
01:32Of course not.
01:32Well, which is gay?
01:33I'm the last person to ask.
01:34I thought you knew everything.
01:35Well, I don't know any men who've had their ears pierced because I went to a private school.
01:39Why have you had that done anyway?
01:40I like to keep my look fresh.
01:41Plus, I'll probably need it for the fashion show tomorrow.
01:43Oh yes, the school charity fashion show, where only people deemed good-looking enough by other
01:48good-looking people get to take part and raise money.
01:51Well, there's going to be special guests.
01:52Special guests.
01:53Oh, I wonder who that's going to be.
01:55Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z?
01:56The Obamas?
01:57Look, I don't give a shit what you think about it, because when I'm up there modeling,
02:01I'll have my pig at a snatch.
02:02Everyone knows that male models get all the pussy.
02:04I didn't know they asked you to model, Joe.
02:06Well, they haven't yet, and they haven't asked anyone.
02:07I think they have.
02:08Well, I'm telling you they haven't, because no one's asked me.
02:10But it's tomorrow.
02:11Are you deaf?
02:12I've not been asked.
02:13I'll be the first in line for any modeling work.
02:15Look at me.
02:16Well, I've been asked.
02:18Fuck off!
02:19Carly's one of the organizers, and she's asked me to model.
02:21You?
02:21Who wants a model that looks like a spotty baby crossed with the Statue of Liberty?
02:25Statue of Liberty?
02:26His hair.
02:27Oh, yeah.
02:28It was hard to know where Jay got the idea he should be a male model.
02:30It seemed like it just stemmed from a sense of thinking Simon was spectacularly ugly.
02:34Seriously, what clothes are going to look better on you than me?
02:37Apart from a paper bag for your fucking head.
02:39Brilliant.
02:39Should we give it a rest now, Jay?
02:41Good morning!
02:42Shut up and let's get this over with.
02:44Right.
02:44Wait a minute.
02:45Cartwright?
02:46What is that?
02:47It's a stud, sir.
02:48I don't mean the earring.
02:50Take it out, or I will rip it out.
02:52But what about my human rights?
02:54You have to be human for those who apply, Cartwright.
02:56Out now.
02:57Right.
02:58I'm sure that most of you will remember Alistair Scott.
03:01Yes, Sutherland?
03:02I don't.
03:02You sat next to him in registration for four years.
03:05Oh, Alistair.
03:06Well, thankfully, after a tough year, they've found a donor and he's finally on the mend.
03:10In preparation for his return to school, he's coming in at lunchtime to answer any questions you may have about
03:15his illness and...
03:16Yes, Sutherland.
03:17Can I catch it?
03:18No.
03:19You cannot catch kidney failure.
03:22Mackenzie, my office.
03:23Ten minutes.
03:25What's Gilbert want?
03:26Probably wants me to act as a chaperone for that Alistair kid.
03:29Poor guy.
03:29Imagine what he's been through.
03:31He's a dick.
03:32Jay!
03:33What?
03:33He is a dick.
03:34I never liked him when he was well.
03:35I never liked him when he was ill.
03:36And I don't like him now.
03:37He's getting better.
03:37Symbols.
03:38Oh, he was all right.
03:39Oh, he wasn't.
03:40He was a complete bellend.
03:41He was worse than briefcase.
03:43Thanks very much.
03:43Look, he's had a hugely traumatic time.
03:45Maybe he's changed.
03:46He's not going to have got more interest in an hospital bed attached to a drip for a year, is
03:50he?
03:50What a sympathetic view of a life-threatening illness.
03:52And he used to stink.
03:53I'm not going.
03:54Oh, come on, Jay.
03:55There might be sausage rolls.
03:56Why would there be sausage rolls?
03:57We had sausage rolls when my nan died.
03:59He's not dead, Neil.
04:00Isn't he?
04:01And he still might have sausage rolls, though.
04:03Fine.
04:03Fuck it.
04:04I'll come.
04:04But I'm warning you.
04:05He's a dick.
04:06If Jay thought Alistair was a dick, he was almost certainly a nice bloke.
04:10Unlike Mr Gilbert.
04:11You wanted to see me, sir?
04:12Want is an overstatement.
04:14I'm putting you in charge of collecting the money for tomorrow's fashion show.
04:17The last time they had a collection for charity, nearly half the money went missing.
04:20And then the organisers started turning up in new trainers.
04:23Well, sir, whilst I'm really pleased that you think I'm trustworthy enough to...
04:26Oh, it's not that.
04:27I just know that if anything did happen, I could break you.
04:31Right.
04:31Well, the thing is, I object to the fashion show on a moral level.
04:35I'm sorry?
04:36It's not about raising money.
04:37It's a popularity parade.
04:38It's just the self-elected attractive people using charity as an excuse to show off.
04:42Well, this is a first.
04:45As it happens, Mackenzie, I agree with you.
04:47You do?
04:47Yes.
04:48Great.
04:49So you understand why I'd rather not compromise my principles?
04:51Yes, I do.
04:52Totally.
04:52Unfortunately for you, it's not the First World War.
04:55You can't conscientiously object.
04:57So, you either collect the money or it's detention.
05:00Starting now and continuing indefinitely.
05:02But you said you agreed with me.
05:06Yes, I know.
05:07It's a tricky one, isn't it?
05:09Okay, fine.
05:10I'll do it.
05:10But I'm still exercising my right to protest.
05:13Good.
05:13Just make sure it's not a dirty protest like the last one.
05:18Just as a stopped clock gives the correct time twice a day,
05:20once a term, Neil gets something right.
05:23Told you there'd be sausage rolls.
05:25Look at him.
05:26Fucking milking it.
05:27Jay, he's in a wheelchair.
05:29He was always a bit lazy, though.
05:30I don't think it's that, Neil.
05:31Why is Carly finding him so funny?
05:33I mean, what can he be saying that's so funny?
05:35He was never funny.
05:36Um, excuse me, everyone.
05:38Quiet.
05:39I want to talk.
05:41I wanted to say super thanks to everyone
05:44who's given up their time to take part in the fashion show tomorrow
05:47to raise money for a new dialysis machine for St. Margaret's.
05:51Especially all the sexy girls.
05:56Did you just say super thanks?
05:58Well, nobody told me we was raising money for that.
06:00That's what?
06:00Might think twice about modelling tomorrow now.
06:02You're not modelling anyway.
06:03Oh, it's going to be a gasharama.
06:05I'm going to try getting a job helping out backstage,
06:07so that way I get to see some close-up flange, but for charity.
06:10Hi, Simon.
06:11You coming to the rehearsal after school?
06:12Yeah, of course.
06:13How much rehearsal does it take to walk up and down in a straight line wearing clothes?
06:16It's more for timings and stuff, really.
06:18Do you need any helpers, Carly?
06:20Oh, brilliant.
06:20We do, actually.
06:21Hardly anyone has volunteered, and we really need people to help get the models dressed.
06:24I still knew they were stupid.
06:26Can't they even dress themselves?
06:27It's for the quick changes, actually.
06:28Whip one outfit off and another one on.
06:30If you're sure you don't mind, Neil.
06:31Are you joking?
06:32Great, thanks.
06:34Hey, guys.
06:34Everybody cool?
06:36Hi, I'm Will, by the way.
06:37I'm relatively new.
06:38Are you the kid who shit himself in the exam?
06:40Nice to meet you, too.
06:41Now, I was wondering if you and I could have a little chat about some other ways to raise money?
06:44Ways that could include everyone?
06:46The whole school?
06:47Whatever they look like?
06:48Oh, yeah.
06:49Could do.
06:49Only, you're not as pretty as Carly, so I think right now I'm going to go and chat to her.
06:53Yeah.
06:53See ya.
06:54Carly?
06:55Carly?
06:55Dick?
06:56He doesn't even call you.
06:58Nah.
06:59Nah.
06:59If they are, I bet he's really good at it.
07:01Brilliant.
07:02Oh, I'm going to have to go.
07:02I've got a missed call from Ralph Lauren.
07:05Didn't even ring, did it?
07:06Oh, I'm well excited.
07:07Imagine the birds I'm going to get to see as a dresser.
07:09It's not top international models, Neil.
07:11It's just a load of the girls from school that you see every day.
07:13Yeah, but I think I'd fancy him a lot more if I saw him naked.
07:17I'll say this for Neil, at least his ambitions were simple.
07:19See, tits and or fanny.
07:21Jay's were a lot more unrealistic.
07:23Um, Carly, can I have a word?
07:24I'm a bit busy, what's up?
07:25I was just wondering if you needed any more models for tomorrow?
07:28No, we're fine.
07:30Good, good.
07:31I don't know if you noticed, but I've had my ear pierced.
07:34Oh, right.
07:35So do you think you can fit one more in now?
07:37Well, no, because you've only got a certain amount of clothes.
07:40Well, I could wear my own clothes.
07:42We're probably okay.
07:43So I'm like first reserve then?
07:45Well, we haven't really got any reserves, so sort of no.
07:48Cool, cool, cool.
07:49Simples.
07:52How about a free ticket instead?
07:53Well, it's for charity, so there aren't really any free tickets.
07:56Yeah, nice one, Carls.
07:57I'll catch you later, yeah?
07:57So Jay had a size zero chance of becoming a model.
08:01But Simon was practising hard.
08:03Simon's my best friend.
08:04This bloke is my best friend.
08:08What the fuck do you think you're doing?
08:10Spying on me?
08:11Spying?
08:12Is that how you get your kicks?
08:13It's alright, it's just I think we found a new David Beckham.
08:16Right, that's it.
08:17That is it.
08:18I'm sick of you people.
08:19I'm leaving.
08:20You're not going out now.
08:21You've got school tomorrow.
08:22Yeah, run away at the weekend when you've got your car back.
08:24Well, I'm not spending another second in this house with you utter twats.
08:28Where are you going?
08:29Paris or Milan?
08:30Fuck off!
08:34He's just like Naomi Campbell.
08:36So Simon was well on his way to becoming a supermodel.
08:38He had the temperament.
08:39Now all he needed was bulimia and a cocaine addiction.
08:43The next night was the fashion show.
08:45And I realised in my role as doorman, I had the perfect opportunity to ruin everything for everyone.
08:49I'm not saying don't give to charity.
08:51Do give to charity.
08:52I'm just saying you can give without supporting this egotistical vanity fest.
08:55My daughter is one of the models.
08:57Then you've failed her.
08:58What?
08:59God, five pounds please.
09:03Well, I think it's so great that you're helping out.
09:05I knew you'd come round.
09:06I don't come round.
09:07I still feel exactly the same about this sham popularity parade.
09:09You're being such an arse.
09:12What is wrong with you?
09:13Alistair nearly died.
09:14God!
09:15Carly?
09:16What did you say to her?
09:17Nothing.
09:18Maybe a small dose of the truth?
09:20Will, seriously.
09:21You have to stop cock-blocking with all this principled shit.
09:24Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn't stood up for his beliefs, where would we be now?
09:27We wouldn't have Nelson's column for a start.
09:29Yes, we would.
09:30I'd better run piss before this starts.
09:32And a post-eye.
09:32What have you done?
09:34It's my new look.
09:35What, the Pat Butcher look?
09:36I'd say more pirates than the Caribbean.
09:38Exactly.
09:38If the pirates shopped at Matterman.
09:40You won't be laughing when I'm getting all the pussy because I'm up on the catwalk.
09:43You're not going to be on the catwalk.
09:44You are modelling.
09:45I'm first reserve.
09:46In case the models fancy themselves so much, they actually eat themselves.
09:49You would if you could, though.
09:51What?
09:52Suck yourself off.
09:53That's not what I meant.
09:54I bet you've tried it.
09:55We all have.
09:56I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a lot of stretching.
09:59Twice a day for a couple of weeks.
10:00Thanks for sharing, Neil.
10:01I've got to go.
10:02I'm desperate for a piss.
10:03Neil may have had dirty stretching powers, but what he really needed was X-ray vision.
10:08Oh, what the fuck is this?
10:09It's a curtain.
10:10Where's all the birds?
10:11I thought it'd be wall-to-wall puns hanging here.
10:13Presumably they're on the other side of the curtain.
10:15Well, why have they done that?
10:15We can't see them getting undressed now.
10:17For that exact reason, Neil.
10:18Oh, fucking bollocks.
10:20That's a spanner to my plan.
10:22There's got to be a hole.
10:23Come on, you man.
10:24Let me get my clothes ready.
10:24Yeah, I think this is a little bit more important.
10:27You ready to go, yeah, Simon?
10:28Yeah, nearly ready.
10:29Great.
10:29We're having an after-party in the common room later.
10:31Mark Donovan's got some booze, so you'll come to that, yeah?
10:33Oh, yeah, obviously.
10:34Amazing.
10:38I was washing my hands and it splashed back onto my lap.
10:41It's fine.
10:42Just make sure that everything is spotless at the runway, yeah?
10:44I'm really sorry.
10:45It's okay.
10:46I've got to run.
10:47There's still a million things to deal with.
10:48Oh, Neil?
10:49Do you know which boys you're dressing?
10:50Boys?
10:51I thought I was dressing the girls.
10:53No, of course not.
10:55You and Mr. Kennedy are dressing the boys.
10:56You're the only volunteers.
10:57See you later.
10:59Oh, no.
11:01Peter Kennedy.
11:02I suppose at least if you'd run out of space,
11:04you'd be able to hang the clothes on the end of his erect cock.
11:06So, no naked girls for Neil.
11:08Just a sexual predator in a waistcoat.
11:10Meanwhile, I was having difficulty convincing proud parents to join my boycott.
11:14Charity, not vanity!
11:15Hello, stranger.
11:16Charlotte.
11:17Hi.
11:18Charlotte!
11:19Here!
11:20Yeah, good spot.
11:21Yes!
11:22Ha!
11:22No!
11:23I mean, what are you doing here?
11:24Well, I had a reading week so I thought we'd come home.
11:26I didn't know this was your sort of thing.
11:28You know, fashion.
11:29Oh, it's not.
11:30I think it's shit and everyone taking part in it is a vain talentless twat.
11:32I'm in it.
11:33Apart from you.
11:34And maybe Si.
11:35Ha!
11:36Why didn't no one tell me you're in it?
11:38Well, I didn't know if I could make it so they put me down as like a special guest or
11:41something
11:41really embarrassing.
11:42Just because I once did some catalogue modelling.
11:44Underwear?
11:45No.
11:46You are going to come watch me though, aren't you?
11:47Even though I'm a talentless twat.
11:49Oh, yeah!
11:50No, no, I was only joking about that.
11:51Oh, yeah, no, I'm really behind this whole thing, taking the money, helping set it up.
11:54Why are you trying to ruin this event, Mackenzie?
11:56Good timing.
11:57Do you think kidney patients like me should die?
11:58Is that it?
11:59Nah, come on, mate.
12:00That's a bit extreme.
12:01Is he trying to stop you coming in too?
12:03No, I'm one of the models.
12:05Oh, you must be Charlotte.
12:08Oh, wowzer, Rooney.
12:10Are you aware this weasel is trying to stop people giving money to charity?
12:13Well?
12:14No, that's not entirely correct.
12:16Look, Alistair, why don't we have a chat about this somewhere different, eh?
12:19No, let's talk about it here.
12:20It wasn't a request.
12:21See you later, Charlotte.
12:22What are you doing?
12:23Are you trying to wheel me away?
12:25This thing's got braked, you know, you can't just roll me off.
12:27You're trying to sabotage this event.
12:29I won't stand for it.
12:32I won't stand for it.
12:34I won't have it.
12:35This is my special day and you're trying to ruin it!
12:38I'm going to go and get ready.
12:42Well, I think I got away with that.
12:44Brilliant.
12:52At the school fashion show, Simon's big moment had almost arrived and Neil didn't give a shit.
12:57Neil, can you give me a hand, please?
12:58Oh, mate, this is like torture. I spent the last week thinking about the snatches back there.
13:02I'm in a rush, Neil.
13:03I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely big nipples and I bet Joe Larkin shaves her pubes.
13:06We can hear you, you pervert!
13:08Who said that?
13:08It's only a curtain. We can hear everything you're saying.
13:11Shit. He's really sorry.
13:12I recognise one of those voices. It's Simon Cooper.
13:15Do something, Neil.
13:16How big are Sarah Bell's nipples?
13:17Right, that's it. I'm getting a teacher.
13:19Shit. Thanks, Neil. Good job.
13:20Alright, Eve Sand the Ponce. What's going on here, then?
13:22Neil's getting any shit.
13:24They put a curtain up so we can't see the clunge. It's totally sexist.
13:26Ah, the crafty fuckers. They tried this when we did the school play.
13:30We just cut a hole in the curtain and stuck our knobs for it.
13:32It was well horny. We was getting noshed off in between scenes.
13:35We can still hear you. And that never happened!
13:37Simon, you're on, hon. It's models only back here.
13:41Yeah, but look. Two.
13:43The left one looks infected. Please hurry up, Simon, you're on next.
13:46Can someone just help me with my fucking cufflinks, please?
13:48Alright, precious. I'll help you.
13:50But if you haven't gotten a model in 30 seconds, I'm going out there in your place.
13:53There you go. I said there was some sort of problem back...
13:56Oh.
13:58Come on. We'd better get you out of these clothes.
14:01But, sir, I'm not modelling.
14:03Oh.
14:06You should be.
14:06So, as Neil tried to swerve the advances of a man who it seemed incredible the school continued to employ,
14:11the world's least stylish fashion show got underway.
14:14Our first collection's theme is Glamorous Nights and is put together, incorrect tense, by Carly D'Amato.
14:20Modelling, that should be two L's, these gorgeous outfits are the equally gorgeous...
14:25Christ, who wrote this?
14:27Stephen DeBell, Richard Murray and Simon Cooper.
14:35I'm not sure what the word for the opposite of cool is, but I think I know what it looks
14:39like.
14:46Sadly, I couldn't enjoy Simon's dreadful modelling for long.
14:49I had a two-wheeled nightmare on my case.
14:53Mackenzie!
14:55You try anything like that again.
14:57I think we got off on the wrong foot.
14:59Is that meant to be a joke about the chair?
15:01I can walk, you know, I just get tired easy.
15:03No, no, no, it's not that.
15:04I think we just differ on ways to raise money.
15:05I happen to think that this is exclusive and about vanity.
15:08And I happen to think you're a wanker.
15:10It's not very mature, is it?
15:12Even in this chair, I could kick your arse.
15:14I could kick your arse right in.
15:16Ow!
15:17Let's not make a scene.
15:18Come on!
15:19Hey!
15:20You're mental!
15:21It is mental!
15:22Oh, fuck you!
15:24Paul, you've got to help me.
15:25Oh, hey, sexy.
15:25I was supposed to be modelling with Paul Keenan, but he got so nervous he drank a bottle of vodka
15:28and passed out in the staff toilets.
15:30Please, will you take his place?
15:32Me?
15:35Erm...
15:35He won't do it. He thinks it's exclusive vanity.
15:38Right.
15:38No, he's talking shit. It's the painkillers. Of course I'll do it.
15:41Great!
15:42What?!
15:42You hypocrite!
15:43Ow!
15:44Okay, right you, time for your sleep.
15:46Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
15:47Come on!
15:48Is he okay?
15:49Yeah, he's fine. He gets very grumpy when he's tired.
15:52Yes, this is going really well.
15:54Amazingly, no cock-up so far.
15:56Oh, well done. You've mastered walking like a knob and looking like a dick at the same time.
16:00This is actually enjoyable. In an I'm shitting myself kind of way.
16:03If you've shit yourself in them trousers, I ain't touching.
16:05Of course I haven't.
16:06You walk like you have.
16:07Neil, quick. I need help getting dressed.
16:09You are dressed?
16:09No, dressed into something else. This! For the fashion show. I'm modelling in the fashion show.
16:14Well, that's not happening. I'm first reserved.
16:16No, no way!
16:16What's up with you? I thought this was the worst sort of vanity.
16:19Yeah, well, I've changed my mind. Somebody pulled out and Charlotte asked me to fill in.
16:23So give me the clothes!
16:25Oh, right, now it makes sense. One flash of Charlotte's tits and your morals go out the window.
16:28Well, we can discuss my morals later after I get these fucking jeans on!
16:31God, they're tight! I mean, it can't be comfortable to walk around in jeans this tight every day, can it?
16:36Yeah, let me help.
16:37What is this fucking banging out of order? On first reserve!
16:40It was me Charlotte wanted. She chose me. That's the only reason I'm doing it.
16:44Yeah, well, they'll be sorry. I'll show them.
16:46Column by massacre show them or futile gesture show them?
16:48Whatever's worse.
16:50Um, Neil, you just brushed my penis there.
16:53Yeah.
16:56That's the second time.
16:57Yeah, I know.
16:58Of course, the only reason I was taking part in the fashion show is to get my penis brushed, but
17:02by Charlotte, not Neil.
17:06Oh, I don't want to get it ready so quickly. Exciting, isn't it?
17:08Yeah, yeah. Look, I just wanted to say, I'm really pleased you picked me. It means a lot.
17:12Didn't have a choice, really, did I?
17:14Didn't you?
17:14No, we had to find someone to fit the clothes, and I was like, who do I know that's really
17:18short?
17:18Who?
17:19And then, obviously, I thought of you.
17:20Is that really the reason?
17:21No, not really. Then let me choose who I wanted, and I chose you.
17:25Oh, thanks, Charlotte.
17:27Although it did have to be someone short.
17:28Right.
17:29And the next theme is 70s disco.
17:33Oh, brilliant.
17:39I'm a principled man, and one of those principles turns out to be, I'll do literally anything a girl I
17:44fancy asks me to.
17:54All right, I'm willing to admit I also got a bit carried away.
18:03But they do say a woman can tell a lot about what a man's like in bed from the way
18:06he dances,
18:07which meant that if I did pull Charlotte, she'd be expecting surprising enthusiasm, a lot of finger work,
18:12and an abrupt stop when I remembered where I was.
18:18Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally experiencing some job satisfaction.
18:22Oh, fucking hell, we're lost.
18:23Simon, there's been a slight change of plan.
18:25Chris Yates is meant to be wearing this in my sexy finale,
18:27but he's just taken off his shirt, and his back is disgustingly hairy, so I sacked him.
18:31I thought this was for charity.
18:33You know when you get loads of hair caught around the plug hole in the bath and it gets all
18:35matted and wet?
18:36Yeah.
18:37Yeah, well, his back looked like that. It nearly made me vomit, so he's sacked.
18:40Anyway, it means that I need you to wear this instead for the sexy finale.
18:43Are they speedos?
18:45Simon, you've been brilliant all night. Plus, you've got a great body. Please? For me?
18:50Of course.
18:51Thanks.
18:52See you out there. You've got one minute.
18:55This is so fucking unfair. So I'm not even second reserve now? Who's she gonna ask next? Big John?
19:00Well, do you want to wear the speedos?
19:01No!
19:02Oh, what's the point?
19:04Ah!
19:04Oh, mate, your ear don't look great. It's covered in pus.
19:08Oh, fucking hell. I'd better get this looked at.
19:10Good luck, boner. Try not to get a stiffy in them speedos.
19:14He's right. You're in trouble, Si. I nearly shot me bolt just looking at her and all she was doing
19:17was standing there being moany.
19:19Now, did you hear what she said? She thinks I've got a great body. If I could just do this
19:22one thing for her, who knows what could happen?
19:23I know. You'll get a boner in front of the whole school and in speedos there is no idea in
19:27it. Trust me.
19:28I'll send you a couple of minutes. I can do it. I can do this.
19:32Simon, are you ready yet?
19:34Can you give me a hand, Neil?
19:37Nah, you're all right.
19:39Simon!
19:42That was so amazing. So brilliant. I could not have done it without you.
19:46How was it?
19:47He was brilliant.
19:49Was he?
19:49Yeah, he was all like, yay!
19:51Yay!
19:52It wasn't entirely yay.
19:53Come on, Simon, we're all...
19:56Are you all right?
19:57Please don't distract me.
20:00Simon was concentrating so hard on not getting a boner that his oblivious talk can only be described as quite
20:05a serious wardrobe malfunction.
20:45I love that. Seriously, thank you, Will. I'm so grateful.
20:48Oh, it was nothing. Just what was left of my dignity.
20:50Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad. And what other guy would have done that for me?
20:54I mean, uni's great, but there's no one there like you.
20:56Shut up.
20:57No, seriously. All I want is a boyfriend like you. I mean, you're funny and you're sweet and you're kind
21:03to me.
21:03I think I'd be happy if I had someone in my life just like you.
21:08Well, what about me?
21:11No, no, no, not you. No, no, no, someone like you. You're so funny. Not you, obviously. Come on, lovely,
21:20let's go for a drink.
21:20Um, no, I'm okay, thanks. I'll just wait here, I think.
21:25Okay, cool.
21:29Nice one, twat face. Good dancing. All that whining and complaining for what? Nothing. You're what they call a sanctimonious
21:37prick.
21:38Yes, well, good to talk to you again, Al. Is that all?
21:40No. I hope one day you get a serious illness too.
21:47Oh, fuck off, Alistair, you dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You were great.
21:53Yeah, a bit of a weird reaction. It wasn't meant to be funny. It was meant to be glamorous.
21:56You're a dick. No, you're a dick. You're a dick.
21:57Guys, come on, calm down. Don't spoil a good evening. We've put on a great show and we've raised a
22:02hell of a lot of money, haven't we, Karls?
22:04You know your testicles sticking out. What?
22:07Is that why everyone was laughing? Has it been out the whole time?
22:10Oh, my God, you've been walking behind me, mocking me. You've ruined my big night. I thought you liked me,
22:15you arsehole.
22:16Hey, Karls, it's all right. It's cool. Come on.
22:18Oh, Karls, listen, please. Karls, you look super sexy.
22:20Bit overdramatic. It's only a bollock.
22:22Fucking hell, I'm gonna kill Neil. Didn't you feel a draught?
22:25Yeah, it was tingling, but I thought it was nerves. Oh, God, do you think people saw?
22:28Yes. It was eye level for most of the audience.
22:31Oh, God, no! No!
22:34I suppose you thought that was funny, did you? Well, you little jokes got you in a lot of trouble.
22:38Honestly, it wasn't a joke. No.
22:40There is nothing funny about testicles, Cooper, as you'll discover tomorrow in my office.
22:46What? Sorry, sir, that sounds a bit weird.
22:49No, it didn't. See me tomorrow.
22:52It did sound weird. And talking of weird...
22:56Right, then. Let's get you out of these clothes.
23:00Sir, I told you, I'm not modelling.
23:01Oh, no, no, no, no, you are. You are. I had word with the man. The man said.
23:06The show finished ten minutes ago. Oh.
23:09You've been drinking, sir. Oh.
23:10Come on, Tom. It's gonna get you some fresh air.
23:13I'm putting my fucking neck on the line with you, John.
23:16So we headed home. Simon having learnt at least one thing. Never put on speedos in a rush.
23:21I mean, why did you agree to wear it in the first place?
23:23Carly told me to.
23:24Even with your whole sack covered, you'd look ridiculous.
23:27Speedos, DMs, top hat and a leash. What maniac designed that?
23:31Who thought, you know what's fashionable? Dressing like an upper-class mental patient.
23:34Alright. Did you get that bone in, then, Si?
23:36No.
23:37Oh, well done.
23:38But my left bollock was sticking out the entire time.
23:40Fucking hell, unlucky.
23:42I blame you.
23:43Alright, guys.
23:43How's your ear, Jay?
23:45Perfect. That's why I gotta wear this massive bandage.
23:48I suppose that's your modelling career, fuck, Dan.
23:49He never had a modelling career.
23:51Yeah, but I'm not bothered. Because the fuck the nurse looked after me.
23:54The St John's ambulance lady?
23:56Yes.
23:56Isn't she Warren Dunkley's nan?
23:58No, there was another one that looked like Lucy Pinder.
24:00Of course there was.
24:01We going to this party, then?
24:02I'm definitely not going.
24:03Normally. I think I burst into tears.
24:05Oh, what? Because you're so unpopular?
24:06No, Neil. Because of Charlotte.
24:08Oh, what happened with her then?
24:09She basically told me I had no chance at all, ever.
24:12Yeah, well, I told you that.
24:13Yeah, but funny enough, it hurt more coming from her.
24:15You know I snogged her once.
24:16No, I did not know that.
24:18I could have sworn I told you.
24:20I think I would have remembered such crushing news.
24:22Oh, well, don't worry. It was after you.
24:23That makes it worse.
24:24Yeah, no, it's like a betrayal, too.
24:26Was it just a snog?
24:28Neil, please.
24:29Yeah, of course, mate, of course. Just a snog.
24:31Well, that's something.
24:36I'd learnt a few things that week myself.
24:38None good or bad.
24:39Jay's driving is worse than his fashion sense.
24:42Neil is catnip for pedos.
24:44Just because you've only got one kidney
24:45doesn't mean you're not a total dick.
24:47And Simon has extremely hairy balls.
24:51I'm the queen of the world.
24:54I bump into things.
24:57I spin around in circles.
25:01And I am singing.
25:04And I'm singing and I'm singing.
25:07Why can't I stay like this?
25:11They're gone.
25:13I'm singing and I can do this right now.
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