'Will's Birthday' t's Will's seventeenth birthday and he is planning a dinner party but it clashes with a more popular bash so that his only guests are Neil, Jay, Simon and Simon's exchange student Patrice. Out of boredom they gate-crash the other party. #tv #comedy
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00:20To the untrained eye, it may look like just another day at school, but actually, it was
00:23a very special week, or in Neil's case, a very special needs week.
00:27Oh, bollocks, no way, is that right?
00:29You all right, Neil?
00:30What are you playing?
00:31Oh, behave, that's well too hard.
00:33Brain training?
00:35Stupid thing.
00:36Why is that wrong?
00:37What does it say your brain age is, Neil?
00:39I got it up to 12 a minute ago.
00:4112?
00:4212 years old.
00:43Have you caught Down syndrome or something?
00:45Has it asked you if Santa is real yet?
00:47Don't listen to them, Neil.
00:48He does exist.
00:49Yeah, and he's just sorted out Saturday night out with a gift of gash.
00:53Sexy soiree.
00:54That sounds sexy.
00:55Fucking hell, is that Louise Graham?
00:56She doesn't normally look like that.
00:58Oh, she'd definitely get it.
00:59Right in the bum hole.
01:00Lucky girl.
01:01This is amazing.
01:02We've actually been invited to a cool party.
01:04Yeah.
01:05Kinda.
01:06I nicked it out of Sadie Cunningham's bag during registration.
01:09I thought we should try and go.
01:10Oh right, so it's another cool party we're specifically not invited to.
01:13Good job, Jay.
01:14Um, isn't there something else on Saturday night anyway?
01:18Don't think so.
01:19It's my birthday.
01:21Are we having a dinner party?
01:23I sent you the invites a month ago.
01:25Is that really happening?
01:26I thought it was a joke.
01:27It's a joke that we've got to go to a dinner party rather than a sex party.
01:31Two things.
01:32One, it's not going to be a sex party, is it?
01:34It's Louise Graham we're talking about.
01:35And two, even if it is, you were invited to my party first.
01:38Just cancel yours, Will.
01:39You can have your birthday any weekend.
01:41Thanks, Neil.
01:42Simon, you don't want to go to Louise Graham's, do you?
01:44Me?
01:45No.
01:46God, no.
01:46No.
01:48Not unless you're going to cancel yours.
01:49I'm not.
01:50Sure.
01:51Sure.
01:53Oh, it's that my French exchange boat's arriving today.
01:55I'm meant to be looking after him all week.
01:56Bring him along.
01:58It'll be nice to have some sophistication at the party.
02:00I'm not sure if he's that sophisticated.
02:02Some friend of my mum's asked if we'd look after him.
02:04He might be a massive twat.
02:05So what, he's like the French version of you?
02:07Oh, and don't forget, you've got to bring a girl.
02:09I'd like this to be a proper dinner party.
02:10Can I ask your mum?
02:11No.
02:12So after school, we went to say bonjour to Patrice.
02:16What's France like then, Patrice?
02:19Cool.
02:20And on a French bird's dirty.
02:22Quoi?
02:23He doesn't get any.
02:24Look at him, he's all greasy.
02:26Birds don't go for that, French or not.
02:27Bonjour Patrice, je m'appelle Will.
02:30Est-ce qu'il y a quelque chose que tu veux faire pendant ton sojour?
02:33J'aime pas les Arabes.
02:35Pardon?
02:36Les Arabes.
02:37J'aime pas les Arabes.
02:39Yeah, I thought that's what he said.
02:40I think you'll be okay around here.
02:42What did he say?
02:42Do you not speak any French?
02:44No.
02:44I think that's why my mum was so keen for him to come over, trying to teach me a bit.
02:47I've picked up Klopp so far.
02:49What does that mean?
02:49Cigarette?
02:50He smokes like a chimney.
02:51Simon, you have porn?
02:53Oh, for fuck's sake, I keep saying.
02:55No, I don't.
02:56Internet.
02:56No.
02:57You can't get any porn on the internet.
02:59That's not the internet you're thinking of, Si.
03:00Are you maybe trying to find porn on your washing machine?
03:03My mum and dad have got a filter on it, I can't see any.
03:05Oh, that is fucking tragic.
03:08Why, are you 11?
03:09Just for me in Klopp.
03:11Yeah, alright mate.
03:14See you later Patrice.
03:15He seems a bit weird.
03:17He asked me if I'd try the Sleeping Beauty.
03:19Oh, it's good that.
03:20What, you know it?
03:21Yeah.
03:22You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead.
03:2410, 15 minutes is normally enough.
03:26And then when you're wanky it feels like someone else is doing it.
03:28How do you know these things?
03:30Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty, that's old.
03:32Is it?
03:33Yeah.
03:34My mate's brother invented it.
03:36He and his mates used to be called the Dead Hand Gang.
03:38They had a gang based on masturbation.
03:41Oh, there's nothing gay about that.
03:42Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that?
03:45Still quite gay.
03:46So my dinner party guest list was shaping up nicely.
03:49Four idiots and a racist Frenchman.
03:51It's gonna be tricky to get girls to come to your dinner party I think.
03:53What, because you all forgot and it's short notice?
03:55No, because Louise Graham's quite popular.
03:57I think most people will be at hers.
03:59Please say, at least try and bring girls.
04:01This birthday can't be as depressing as last year's.
04:03What, because you got her briefcase?
04:04No, Neil, because my father left my mother.
04:07Maybe I'll see what Carl is up to.
04:08Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she's up to.
04:11Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand.
04:13Who are you bringing again?
04:14Don't worry about me, mate.
04:15I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment.
04:17Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along.
04:19That little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
04:20You've called a barmaid?
04:22Nice.
04:22Has she got any special dietary requirements?
04:24It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.
04:26Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts.
04:29My nuts.
04:30Brilliant.
04:30Or my cock.
04:31She only eats small portions then.
04:33Well, I didn't hear your mum complaining.
04:34Although her mouth was full at the time.
04:36Yep.
04:36Good one.
04:37Did you just drop us off here, Si?
04:38Oh, don't you want to live to school?
04:40Yeah, this is close enough.
04:41I don't want to be seen getting out of this shit heap.
04:43No thanks, mate.
04:44See you later.
04:48Actually, I might get out too.
04:50Fine.
04:50See you at school.
04:55Oh, do you want to get in the front, Patrice?
04:57No.
04:58Great.
04:59They say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
05:02But I was hoping it would also be a good way into my female guest's knickers.
05:05What about chicken casserole?
05:07Why are you even asking?
05:08If it was up to me, we'd all have Big Macs.
05:10Did you not see Super Size Me?
05:12Yeah.
05:12It just made me really want a Big Mac.
05:15Oh, shit.
05:16Charlotte's online.
05:17Have you asked her along yet?
05:18No, I don't know if I should after everything.
05:20I'll go and that'd be great.
05:21Message her now.
05:22Really?
05:23Do you think so?
05:23Yes, it'd be cool.
05:24Just say hi.
05:25Alright.
05:26Done it.
05:28Oh, wow.
05:28She's come straight back.
05:29Says hi, what's up, smiley face.
05:32Ask her out.
05:32No.
05:33Can't just jump in.
05:34Not the way things have been with us.
05:36Have to charm her a bit first.
05:38I've written, just hanging out with Si in this French exchange.
05:41She thinks you're handsome.
05:45Oh, no.
05:46She means Patrice.
05:47Thank God.
05:48Ugh.
05:48I'm a div.
05:50Hmm.
05:51Another smiley face.
05:52Can't bring myself to send a smiley back.
05:55I suppose I could write LOL if I absolutely had to.
05:57Do that.
06:00It's going well, mate.
06:01Ask her out.
06:02It is going well, isn't it?
06:03Definitely.
06:05It's my birthday.
06:06Come for dinner.
06:10Really?
06:15That pause isn't good.
06:17Calm down.
06:17It's only been a second.
06:18Although she was straight back every time before.
06:21Holy shit.
06:22She's gone offline rather than actually have to answer whether or not she'll come to my birthday.
06:26Maybe the connection has dropped.
06:27No.
06:27It was back and forward, back and forward.
06:29Then a question about dinner and she's gone.
06:31Oh, brilliant.
06:31Perfect.
06:32Thanks a bunch.
06:33Oh, look.
06:33She didn't say no, did she?
06:34No, but she did hang up.
06:35So I'm sure she'll be there.
06:37Well, not sure, but you know.
06:40Oh, hello, Simon.
06:42Oh.
06:42Bonjour.
06:43Oh, goodness, you're French.
06:46Um, this is Patrice.
06:47He's my sort of French exchange.
06:49Um, Patrice, this is Will's mum.
06:52Hello.
06:54Well, um, I'm just off to play tennis.
06:57Um, don't know why I mentioned that.
07:00Bye then.
07:02Au revoir, Patrice.
07:03Au revoir.
07:12Your mother is very sex.
07:14Sorry?
07:15She has the sex.
07:21He's a strange one, isn't he?
07:23Yeah, but he's just French.
07:25They're all weird, aren't they?
07:26Oh, God, please don't be racist.
07:28That's not racist.
07:29I'm just saying, he barely says anything,
07:31and when he does speak, it's always about sex.
07:34Just like all French people.
07:39The next day was my birthday,
07:41and Mum was serving me up her speciality.
07:43Scrambled eggs and disappointment.
07:45Happy birthday, Petal.
07:47Thanks, Mum.
07:48Here's your present.
07:49It's nothing big, though.
07:50I'm saving up for something special next year when you can drive.
07:54Next year?
07:55I can drive this year.
07:57I thought you had to be 18 to drive.
07:58No.
07:59It's 17.
08:00Oh.
08:01Right.
08:02Sorry, your father used to deal with things like that.
08:06Ah, thanks, Mum.
08:07Come and come on.
08:09It's...
08:10It's a tight vest top.
08:12Oh, don't you like the colour?
08:13Is this the only present you've got me?
08:15What's wrong with it?
08:16Well, when have you ever seen me wear something like that?
08:19You look cool.
08:20All the boy bands wear them.
08:21I'm not in a boy band.
08:23Fine, fine.
08:23I've got a receipt.
08:24You can exchange it.
08:25Sorry.
08:26I've ruined your big day.
08:28I got it wrong about the driving,
08:29and now I've got it wrong about this.
08:31No.
08:32Sorry, Mum.
08:33I suppose it's not too bad.
08:35You don't want me to exchange it?
08:36No.
08:37I will wear it.
08:39Tonight.
08:40Ooh.
08:42Erm...
08:43Not tonight.
08:44You hate it.
08:45Oh, God, I'll change it.
08:46No, fine.
08:47I'll definitely wear it tonight.
08:52Patrice spends an awfully long time in the shower, doesn't he?
08:55Oh, yeah, about him.
08:56Since it's Will's birthday tonight,
08:57do you think you could look after Patrice?
08:59No.
09:00You're meant to be learning from him, Simon.
09:03Anyway, we're going out.
09:04Can't you take him with you?
09:05It's a special night out for us.
09:07We don't really need a 17-year-old French boy tagging along.
09:10Things haven't got that bad in the bedroom yet.
09:13Jesus Christ.
09:14Besides, he'll have much more fun with you and the boys.
09:16He doesn't.
09:17He just sits around rolling cigarettes and shrugging.
09:19Must be quite useful having a handsome Frenchman in tow
09:21when it comes to meeting the ladies.
09:22He's not handsome.
09:24Patrice is handsome.
09:25Aye, aye.
09:26I better watch it.
09:27Looks like your mother's lining up a toy, boy.
09:30Oh, God.
09:31Chance would be a fine thing.
09:32I'm not you, too.
09:33Just remember, Gorgeous,
09:34what I lack in energy.
09:36I more than make up for an experience.
09:39Oh, God.
09:40You're disgusting.
09:41Oh, come on, Simon.
09:42You used to look at much worse on the internet.
09:48Elsewhere on the internet,
09:49the Dead Hand gang was enrolled in its latest recruit.
09:55Jay, Neil's here for you.
09:57What?
09:59He's early.
10:00Don't come in.
10:00I'm getting changed.
10:02Are you okay?
10:03It's just a film.
10:05It's just a normal film.
10:06Come on, I'm getting changed.
10:07Get out.
10:11What film's that, then?
10:13Oh, God, yes.
10:14Oh, right.
10:17So whilst I was making my final preparations,
10:19including putting on shit music girls would like,
10:22Patrice had been busy, too.
10:23I just had a really nice tug thinking about your mother.
10:29And I think someone on the floor.
10:31Sorry.
10:31Great.
10:32Thanks, Patrice.
10:34I'll get it.
10:35It could be Charlotte.
10:36Well, it's not going to be Charlotte.
10:38Cheer up.
10:38It might be.
10:39She's got all the details.
10:40You said so yourself.
10:42All right, guys.
10:44Oh, happy birthday to me.
10:54It was 8.30pm on my 17th birthday,
10:57and my party was in full swing.
11:02Where's your plus one, then, Jay?
11:03Not coming.
11:04She's got a modelling job.
11:05I had to fly to Paris.
11:07Barmaid by day.
11:08Supermodel by night.
11:09Sounds likely.
11:09And where's little mistuck-up cocktease, then?
11:11Do you mean Carly?
11:12Yep.
11:13Oh, yeah.
11:14I don't think Carly will make it.
11:16Why not?
11:17Is something up?
11:17No, nothing like that.
11:19I just sort of didn't invite her in the end.
11:21Oh, you really are a bollockless little twat, aren't you?
11:24So there are going to be no women here, then?
11:27None at all.
11:28I don't know why I'd bother.
11:30Well, I wouldn't say there'll be no women.
11:32Yeah, not no women.
11:34So there are some women coming?
11:36Maybe.
11:37Maybe not.
11:38Look, it's very clear from your smirking faces and tone of voice
11:41that, actually, there are some women coming.
11:44We got you a special birthday treat.
11:46Did you?
11:48Stripper.
11:49What?
11:49Have you really put your stripper?
11:52Yeah.
11:52She was only 150 quid.
11:54How did you manage to pay for that?
11:55We haven't paid yet.
11:56We just have a whip round when she gets here.
11:57A whip round?
11:59Round who?
12:00The five of us?
12:01We don't have 30 quid each.
12:03No.
12:04If we all just put in...
12:05Wait.
12:08Shit, yeah.
12:10Brilliant.
12:10So, just to confirm, until an angry stripper turns up,
12:14we're without any female company.
12:16Oh, thanks, guys.
12:16This is a great birthday.
12:18God, if you're going to cry about it, I'll go and get some of the locals snatching.
12:21What about them birds we passed outside?
12:23Yeah, they're all right.
12:23Oh, yes, please.
12:25Drag some random girls off the street for me.
12:27Or we could go to Louise Graham's party.
12:29Yeah.
12:30Why aren't we there?
12:31It's got to be better than this shithole.
12:33Thanks very much.
12:34More wine?
12:35Oh, I bet it is crawling with clunge.
12:37And I bet it's not.
12:38Oh, and you'd know.
12:39Look, I put a lot of effort into this.
12:41I made a really nice cock-o van.
12:43Cock of what?
12:44You don't help yourself, do you?
12:46Oh, yes.
12:47I see.
12:48Cock-o van.
12:49Very mature.
12:50It actually means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?
12:52What?
12:53Well, it does.
12:54And it doesn't mean cock up my arse.
12:56Or cock on my head.
12:58Or...
12:59You've got some cock in the back of a van.
13:01Or that I've got a cock in the back of a van!
13:03Look, all I wanted was a civilised and sophisticated birthday.
13:07Just something a bit different from the usual parties.
13:09Maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by.
13:12Okay, so there aren't any girls here.
13:14But why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation?
13:17I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling,
13:20but let's give it a go, eh?
13:21As it is my fucking birthday!
13:30How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?
13:32Oh, for Christ's sake!
13:34Not now.
13:34Just, like, when you was younger, how much could you get up there?
13:36You are grim, mate.
13:38Why were you sticking Lego up your bum?
13:40Not a lot.
13:40Just, like, a rectangular one and a long one.
13:43Couple of singles, maybe.
13:44Fine!
13:45Fine!
13:45Let's go and see if those girls outside want to come and join us, then!
13:48Yes!
13:49Yes!
13:50Are you sure, mate?
13:51I thought you wanted this to be special.
13:53Why fight it?
13:54Charlotte's not coming, is she?
13:55And a skilful raconteur like Neil is wasted on just us.
13:58Nice one.
13:59Now I get a proper three-course meal.
14:02Blolly, shag and anal.
14:03And so we headed into the night and found Jay's three courses sitting on a fence.
14:08Hello, hello.
14:09Here they are.
14:10Nice.
14:11They look a bit rough.
14:12Are they drinking in the street?
14:14Dirty.
14:15Not quite the sophisticates I had in mind, but at least they're female.
14:19You going over then, Jay?
14:20Nah, so I should.
14:21What?
14:22Why me?
14:23Alphabetical.
14:23You've got that bent look that girls go for.
14:25Fine.
14:26If you're going to be rude, you go then.
14:28Oh.
14:28Sorry for being rude.
14:30Just go, Si.
14:30It's freezing out here.
14:31Come on, Si.
14:32For me, yeah?
14:33For my birthday?
14:36God, alright then.
14:40Hi there.
14:41What'd you fucking say?
14:42Um, hello?
14:44And what?
14:44What?
14:45Um, I wanted to ask you to a party.
14:48I'm 13.
14:49Oh, right.
14:50And she's 11, you're nonce.
14:52Yeah, well there's been a mistake, so.
14:54Like looking at little girls, do ya?
14:56Like getting them to go to parties with ya where you can touch them, do ya?
14:58No.
14:59God no.
15:00Look, I'm going now.
15:01Pedo.
15:02You fucking pedo.
15:03Yeah, run, you pedo.
15:04Oh, fucking hell.
15:06Don't do that, Patrice.
15:06No, pedo.
15:07I'll get my fucking brother on you.
15:09That's it.
15:09Run away, pedo boy.
15:10Keep going, pedo.
15:11You keep walking, you fucking pedo.
15:14Nice one, Si.
15:15Me?
15:15It was fucking Patrice who wound them up.
15:16Yeah, but you were the one who tried to nonce them up.
15:18Right, I'm not really in the mood for this, Jay.
15:20Just warning you.
15:20Oh, watch out.
15:21Uncle Simon might try and give me a special cuddle.
15:23Oh, fuck.
15:25What's the pudding, Will?
15:26A middle-aged woman demanding 150 quid.
15:29Oh, shit.
15:30What are we going to do?
15:31I think we should just go to...
15:33Yes, yes.
15:33Fine, I give up.
15:34Let's go and try to get into Louise Graham's.
15:36But what about your dinner party?
15:38Forget it.
15:38You can lead a horse to water, but you can't stop it from sticking leg up its bum.
15:41Oh, for Christ's sake, Patrice, don't do that.
15:44Oh, God, Si, he's a nightmare.
15:46You can't have him scaring all the muff away at the party.
15:49Let's just ditch him.
15:50I'm supposed to be looking after him.
15:51I can't leave him stranded in a strange country.
15:53He comes from a strange country.
15:55Si, for once, Jay's right.
15:57Patrice is weird and boring.
15:59Do you really think girls are going to be impressed when we turn up with that?
16:03Probably not.
16:04Come on, let's just leg it while his back is turned.
16:07It's now or never, Si.
16:10Okay, fuck it.
16:11Come on, then.
16:11So we ran away.
16:13Yup, ran away.
16:14Something I hadn't done since John Cook discovered wedgies in year eight.
16:17I've got a stitch.
16:18Right.
16:19That should be enough.
16:22He's behind us.
16:24No way.
16:25Run.
16:27He's chasing us.
16:29Fucking hell, he doesn't give up easily, does he?
16:33What does he think is happening?
16:35I think he's caught us up.
16:37Yeah, good spot, Neil.
16:38Say, man, away we're home.
16:40Huh?
16:40Yeah, don't know.
16:41You done now?
16:42Yeah.
16:43So we snub?
16:44Yeah, probably.
16:45Good idea.
16:52Shall we go to that party, then?
16:54So after trying and failing to outrun a boy in Cuban heels,
16:57we headed for Louise Graham's party,
16:59which we definitely wouldn't get into.
17:01Who's going to ask if we can come in?
17:02Will?
17:02I don't even know her.
17:04I won't start chewing gum in her hair when we were year eight.
17:06Great.
17:06Anyone else fucked her off in her life?
17:08Out of the way, you quick shit shitters.
17:10I'll sort this.
17:18Yeah?
17:19Hello, Louise.
17:20We haven't been introduced.
17:21I'm Will.
17:22Oh, you can't come in.
17:23There's too many here already.
17:24Look, we'll be no trouble, I promise.
17:26I mean, look at us.
17:28One of you can come in.
17:29One, five.
17:30There's hardly any difference.
17:31Perhaps we can negotiate.
17:33Him.
17:34He can come in.
17:35Ah.
17:36Right.
17:36Well, the thing is, Simon will have to come in too, then,
17:39because he's supposed to be looking after them.
17:41Great.
17:41So we can add Patrice to the growing list of people more popular than us.
17:47Fucking John's in there.
17:48And he's with a girl.
17:50He's got his hand on her tit.
17:51This is too tragic.
17:52And Charlotte Big Jugs is in there?
17:54Where?
17:55Right.
17:55Looks like it's time for Plan B.
17:57Oh, right.
17:58There's a Plan B, is there?
18:00It's just Plan A was so brilliantly devised, I wouldn't have thought we'd need a Plan B.
18:04What is it?
18:04Climb over her fence?
18:06It's a bit higher than I imagined.
18:08Don't shit yourself.
18:09It's only a fence.
18:10It won't bite.
18:11Yes, Jay.
18:11Except I'm not worried about it biting me.
18:13I'm worried about falling off and breaking my neck.
18:15Oh, come on.
18:15Will it be a laugh, climbing and that?
18:17Will it?
18:18There must be another way.
18:20Oh, it's full of clunge.
18:22Give us a push, Neil.
18:23Just not made for climbing.
18:28Maybe if one of these panels is loose.
18:31There's a gap there.
18:37Come on, Will.
18:38Hurry up.
18:41Oh, please, no.
18:43Why has he always got to be different?
18:44Just fucking hurry up, you twat.
18:46Everyone's looking.
18:47What's going on?
18:49Oh, hi, Louise.
18:50As I was saying earlier, it's quite important that we look after Patrice.
18:53Have you just called through my dog shit?
18:55Yes, Louise, I have.
18:56But ask yourself why.
18:57The fact that you've excluded us from this party because of some vague rules about popularity is ridiculous.
19:03And although it may look like we've climbed over a fence and crawled through dog shit, in fact what we've
19:07done is challenged your social apartment.
19:08Not I'd.
19:09You weren't invited because I don't know you that well.
19:12Yeah, that makes sense too, I suppose.
19:13God, if you're that desperate to come in, then you can stay and take that jacket off before you go
19:17inside.
19:20Sweet.
19:20Nice one.
19:21She's right about the jacket, though.
19:23It stinks.
19:24Oh, mate, that is rankin'.
19:25It's all up your sleeve.
19:26Look.
19:27Oh, Christ.
19:30What the fuck is that?
19:32Oh, my God.
19:34It was a present for my mum, all right?
19:36And you've worn it?
19:37She's been getting gift ideas from Neil's old man.
19:39Oi, my dad's not bent.
19:40Honestly, that is not a good look for you, mate.
19:43But we've just gatecrashed a party that Big John was invited to, so none of us are winning the cool
19:46prize at the moment.
19:47Yeah, but you are losing by a mile.
19:50Yeah, but not for long.
19:51I'm going to go find Charlotte.
19:52She'll be upstairs getting fucked most likely.
19:54Neil, I've told you she's not like that.
19:58I'll check upstairs first, though.
19:59The best thing about it being your birthday is that everyone has to do exactly what you want.
20:03And with this thought, and a slightly dirtier one in mind, I went to find Charlotte.
20:06Nice T-shirt.
20:08Yeah, good look, briefcase.
20:10Thanks.
20:11Someone's stoned in your sleeves.
20:12Yep, nice one.
20:12All right, where's the rest of take that?
20:14Retro, but a good one.
20:17Come on, let me go first.
20:18You know I'm desperate.
20:19Unlucky.
20:20Oh, don't be a cock.
20:22Oh, and I don't.
20:23Seriously, come on, I'm bursting.
20:24Look, come on.
20:30Oh, hi, Jay.
20:32You're queuing?
20:33Yeah.
20:33Think I might piss my pants any minute.
20:35Oh.
20:38Won't be too long.
20:39Been in there a while.
20:40Oh, right.
20:42So, didn't know you lot were friends with Louise?
20:45Oh, no, we're not.
20:46No, we climbed over the fence.
20:48It's cooler.
20:48Right.
20:52Oh, Carly, hi.
20:53Hi, Simon, how are you?
20:54Good, yeah, okay.
20:55Yeah, pretty awesome.
20:56Jesus Christ, Simon.
20:58What the fuck have you done in there?
20:59What?
21:01You've been eating cat food again.
21:03Oh, God, you've left skids down the bowl, too.
21:06Carly, I didn't.
21:07I only went in for a piss.
21:09Oh, God.
21:10I can taste it.
21:12Jay!
21:12Oh, my God, Stairs.
21:14No, don't.
21:14It was a wee.
21:16It was only a wee.
21:17I promise I didn't leave skids.
21:20It doesn't smell at all, you fucker.
21:22It was a wee.
21:23Why did you do that?
21:25Funny.
21:26Okay, so things weren't going exactly to plan,
21:28but if I could just find Charlotte,
21:29I was confident it would still be a birthday to remember.
21:31Charlotte?
21:32And I was right.
21:33Oh.
21:34Hi, Charlotte.
21:36There you are.
21:37Will!
21:38Could you go away?
21:41Time out, fella.
21:42You're not alone now.
21:44Oh, Patrice.
21:47Salut.
21:48Salut.
21:49Um, are you two...
21:51Seriously, Will, what are you doing?
21:52I thought maybe we could hang out a bit.
21:55Not right now, maybe.
21:56Will, I don't know why you're doing this.
21:58And what are you wearing?
21:59I've got a bottle of champagne at home,
22:01and I remembered when we first met, we had champagne,
22:03and as it's my birthday today, I thought maybe we could...
22:06Is he touching you now?
22:07Look, maybe we'll have a drink later.
22:11Yeah, later.
22:12Of course.
22:14Oh, Will.
22:15Could you turn the light off?
22:17No, leave on.
22:20Okay.
22:23Great.
22:24And I'd rather hope the singlet would be the worst birthday surprise.
22:27Meanwhile, my mates were making the most of finally getting into a cool party,
22:31by standing in a corridor not talking to anyone.
22:35Alright.
22:35Did you find Charlotte?
22:37Um, yeah.
22:37Yeah, I did.
22:38Where is she then?
22:39She's upstairs being fucked by Patrice.
22:41Knew it.
22:42Oh, unlikely.
22:43Can you make him stop please, Simon?
22:45As a birthday present?
22:46Um, not really.
22:48Sorry.
22:48That's just too weird.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah, you're probably right.
22:52Shall we go then?
22:54Oh, hi Mark.
22:56I'm just off, but if you're looking for Charlotte,
22:57I think she's upstairs.
22:59Fuck off, you prick.
23:01Have a fun night.
23:02So, ironically, it was Donovan who gave me the best gift this year.
23:05A savagely beaten French kid.
23:08What if Donovan kills him?
23:09Good.
23:10Mum will go mental if Patrice is hurt though.
23:12What's she gonna do?
23:13Get you a shitter car?
23:14Fair point.
23:15Look, fuck him, alright?
23:16You never see him again, so what?
23:17I think I'm meant to stay at his at half term.
23:19Do you want to go to France?
23:20Not really.
23:20Well, shut up then.
23:21What about me?
23:22It's my birthday and I just saw Patrice trying to Mount Charlotte.
23:25The fucking baguette-eating dickhead frog.
23:27That's a bit racist.
23:28He's made me racist.
23:30Did you get to see her boobies?
23:31No, Neil.
23:32Funnily enough, through my tear-filled eyes, I couldn't see any tits.
23:35Bad luck.
23:36Oh, God.
23:37What if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on?
23:40What happened next year?
23:41You get AIDS?
23:42I'd have to have sex for that to happen.
23:44Or fuck a monkey.
23:44Technically, that still counts as sex.
23:46Or drink from the same cup as Neil's dad.
23:48Oi, my dad does not have AIDS.
23:50Oh, your dad is so AIDS.
23:52He's the one who gave it to the monkeys.
23:54Take that back.
23:55That's what the monkey said to him.
23:56Oh, come on, mate.
23:57Let's go back to yours.
23:58I'll let you beat me at pro either, if you like.
23:59You don't have to.
24:00I can beat you anyway.
24:01Well, we'll see, won't we?
24:02That's them fucking pedos!
24:04Run!
24:04Again?
24:05Oh, good!
24:07Pedos!
24:07Get up!
24:08We can't get us all!
24:08You've got a fucking cricket bat!
24:11Neil, go away!
24:11This is the tin hat.
24:12Worst birthday ever!
24:14So my birthday, or dog shit singlet heartbreak day as I've now come to think of it,
24:18was over.
24:19And it's fair to say it hadn't been the best.
24:20But I had learnt one important life lesson.
24:23If you go round to Neil's, don't play with his Lego.
24:28You can't stop by to anything.
24:32You want to stop waiting and be scared.
24:36If we can't stop by, you can't stop by.
24:40If we can't stop by, you can't stop by to me.
24:47Fuck.
24:49Fuck.
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