'Bunk Off' The four bunk off School and get drunk. Simon tells Carli D'amato he loves her by writing it on her drive way in big letters. It ends badly when Simon and Will's parents find out what they've been doing all day. #tv #comedy
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00:21The local park, where people come to play football, hang out with their friends, and most importantly, let their dogs
00:28shit.
00:30It's not a cool place, admittedly, but it is a good place to stare at girls. And if anything is
00:35worth braving this dog shit minefield for, it's staring at girls.
00:39You lot are so gay. Why aren't we playing football? Chasing men around a field with your top off? What
00:44could be more gay than that?
00:45You. Brilliant. Anyway, we're playing frisbee because girls can join in. Trust me, girls love this.
00:52Border collies love this. You're just scared to play football in case Donovan joins in and breaks your legs.
00:57Whoa! That's not true.
01:00Oh, my God. Check out the Jugasaurus race.
01:06Shit. And it's Carly. Perfect. Watch this. Carly! Carly! Cat!
01:26Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I'm really, really, really
01:35sorry.
01:44It's fine. You've apologized about 30 times. Come on. I'm just gonna get my frisbee.
01:53What are you doing? What are you doing? Hey, those whankers are making that girls frisbee. Hey, it's my frisbee!
02:01I've got a receipt! I've got a receipt!
02:07And so, in what I can only describe as an attack of frisbee rage, once again, we've found ourselves running
02:12from Donovan.
02:13all right not really oh what's up well think back neil uh last time you saw us before you
02:20liked it a frisbee was heading towards a disabled girl's face oh did it hit her in the face then
02:24bingo was the girl in the wheelchair all right no i don't want to talk about it i've lost a
02:28perfectly good frisbee araby pro is the gayest sentence ever well that's it we can't bunk off
02:33tomorrow now why well because it's bad karma isn't it for it in a spastic well it could be a
02:38sign
02:38a sign that you've shit your pants i'll see you tomorrow i'm heading home to wank over your mom's
02:42bras uh well actually my mom probably not oh good can i have them then no but you can have
02:48um that and that see you tomorrow see you i'd only been in state education a month and yet the
02:56next
02:57morning i found myself ready to break the law okay it was the truancy law but it was still the
03:01worst
03:02thing i'd ever done hello william hello mrs cooper is simon in yes unless he ran away in the middle
03:09of the night simon yes all right will come in
03:15why aren't you in uniform
03:19we're very sorry mrs cooper it was jay's idea we're really sorry we forgot to tell you it was a
03:22non-uniform day no it's not bye yes it is for years 12 and 13 it is you little shit
03:30right
03:30so it's a year 12 non-uniform day for christ's sake simon you're 17 now and i don't want to
03:38play
03:38these stupid games it's a bloody non-uniform day all right i don't believe you will yes it's a
03:46non-uniform day see fine fine but if you've lied to me i won't be angry i will be really
03:55really
04:03disappointed
04:05how stupid is she that she totally believed us that's my mum sorry did you see the way i just
04:10lied to her i totally did it we're bunking off who are you calling school i'll just say we won't
04:17be in
04:17today no really who are you calling don't shit your pants i'm only phoning the school secretary not
04:23fucking mi5 oh hello this is mrs cooper simon's mother year 12 simon and his friend willy mackenzie
04:28have come down with food poisoning must have been for the chicken you put on your mum's voice
04:31oh i'm sorry mrs cooper now you say your son is ill yes oh well mr gilbert the head of
04:36six is
04:37just here um i'll pass him i hold on one second oh no there's really no need look if we
04:41hurry we
04:42can still make it in time for english hello hello this is mrs cooper simon is found mrs cooper yeah
04:51what exactly is wrong with simon food poisoning okay that's enough i know you're bullshitting me
04:56i think you better get into school cheers all the best god bless i get in before you make
05:01well that was fucking dreadful i think he bought it though in what way did he buy it i think
05:10he
05:10thought that was my mum so with our terrible alibi in place phase two of the plan was how to
05:17get some
05:18booze you look like you're on day release they'll never serve you oh what about this one no not one
05:23of
05:23his suits you'll go mental if he finds out shirts not the suit yes not the suit and so in
05:30simon's
05:31dad's suit and looking a bit like a hasidic jew we're headed for the off license what are you
05:37wearing the suit's my dad's he insisted the hat's his though what a bellend i'm just an adult man
05:44stocking up on booze this'll work 10 pounds each please and there's none of you off to do it
05:51you can fuck off what nothing unlike those morons i knew the key to getting served was confidence
05:59good day sorry good day huh hello shut up
06:11oh shit what nothing that's carly's mum isn't it oi jay please don't she'll recognize me he wants to
06:20suck your carly's tits
06:23unbelievable
06:26the key is to let the shop owner know who's in control it's like a jedi mind trick i am
06:31an adult
06:32you will serve me can i help at all yes i am a man who has recently bought a house
06:40in the local area
06:41and i'm having a housewarming party to which i'll be inviting a lot of the local adults
06:47to uh hence the crisps yeah
06:51and uh i'll also probably need some um alcohol as well um as well as the crisps etc
07:01right what sort of thing you're looking for
07:05some beef eater gin
07:07okay so uh how about two bottles
07:10excellent
07:11do you want some wine
07:12christ no we're not made of money
07:14and i'll have some extra strong mints
07:18for those who are drink driving
07:19right
07:20it comes to 29 pounds 50 anything else
07:24what's on special
07:24i'll give you a bottle of drambuie for a tenner if you're paying her out of the shop in five
07:29seconds
07:29done
07:30my good man
07:32i shall invite you to the party
07:40mission accomplished
07:41what's in all the bags then
07:42there's something to soak up the alcohol
07:45crisps
07:45where's a beer
07:46have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps
07:50you twat
07:51what the fuck's this
07:53drambuie
07:53and what's drambuie
07:54it's a sort of whiskey based liqueur
07:56and what's a liqueur
07:57it's what benders drink
07:58well why have we got that then
07:59because we're heading back to yours and it's your dad's favourite drink
08:01well my dad's not bent
08:02he is a bit though
08:04he's fucking not
08:04right let's look at the evidence
08:06one your mum left him because he loves cock
08:08that's not true
08:09look she was in a difficult place
08:10in bed with a bender
08:12your dad who is a bender
08:13two he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening
08:16and the only night he goes out all week is wednesday
08:18and that's to play badminton
08:21right my dad's not bent because he's got hundreds of poor nags at home
08:24and it's all straight
08:25all straight
08:26or some lesbian
08:27well i think we should have a look at it in that case
08:28well fine come on in
08:30this should be good
08:31i bet it's 90% cock
08:36they must be around here somewhere
08:38i don't know where they could have gone
08:39maybe he swapped them for an ever box set
08:41nah he probably shoved them up his arse
08:44drink
08:49so what are we going to do today then
08:51we can do anything we fucking will please
08:53yeah but specifically what are we doing
08:55we could get hold of some birds
08:56yeah let's get some girls
08:57great
08:58where are all the girls
08:59at school
09:00well we'll wait for them to get out then
09:01so we're not going to do anything till half three
09:03we could have just gone to school then
09:04we can't fucking do this at school
09:06drink
09:09hello mrs cooper
09:11sorry to bother you at work
09:12this is mr gilbert simon's head of six
09:17you know your mum is so fit will
09:20i reckon she could be a prostitute
09:21thanks
09:22have you wanked over will's mum
09:23nah
09:25not yet
09:26please don't have a wank over my mum
09:28i can't promise that i'm afraid
09:30yes hello is that mrs mckenzie
09:32william's mother
09:33right can i just check something with you please
09:35when we go away with the caravan club
09:37there's this bird and her sister
09:38who i've shagged for about two years
09:41sometimes i get them to strum themselves while i watch
09:44sorry did you say you go on holiday in a caravan
09:47with the caravan club
09:48in a caravan like a jippo
09:50if my mum told me we were going caravanning
09:52i'd call child line
09:54which shows how much you know
09:56because it's a sense of freedom that you don't get with other holidays
09:58it's a sense of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard you don't get with other holidays
10:01in england with your parents
10:03actually it's a well-known fact that the caravan club is like a sex club all over europe
10:08which is why i've lost my cherry
10:10and none of you sad acts have
10:12listen i could have got laid loads of time
10:13no you couldn't
10:14yeah i could actually
10:15but i want to lose it with someone i love
10:17oh what like carly
10:19maybe i do love carly
10:20she's gorgeous
10:22she's smart
10:23she's amazing
10:24probably worth mentioning to her then mate
10:26if that's the way you feel
10:27yeah why not mention it
10:29worse that can happen you get nothing
10:30best that can happen you get stinky fingers
10:33you really are one of the most disgusting humans i've ever met
10:38oh look out prince harry's had a few drinks and now he thinks he's hard
10:42i am hard
10:42so all this being scared of teachers and brown nosing everyone's parents is just an act is it
10:47i don't brown nose anyone
10:48you do a bit
10:49good manners cost nothing
10:51a good shag costs nothing
10:52a good shag with carly
10:54hey
10:55carly's found here on your face
10:57on your face
10:58carly's found here on your face
10:59i keep catching this so important
11:01it seems to have a bloody illness
11:03oh they're not loving someone's name
11:05and you're buried
11:06carly's found here on your face
11:08on your face
11:09neil what the hell is going on
11:13oh this place smells like a brewery
11:15not a nice one
11:16jay there is always trouble when you're around
11:19but will i'm especially surprised at you
11:21i'm so sorry steve
11:22oh piss off
11:24what
11:26don't talk to me like that in my own house
11:28oh i'm so sorry
11:29my manners
11:31piss off please
11:33i had enough of your lip
11:34oh you'd like my lip wouldn't you
11:35right round your bellend
11:37if mr chippy doesn't get there first
11:39what's he gonna knock up
11:41a closet for you to hide in
11:42you bummeda
11:53in hindsight
11:54i might have taken it a bit too far
11:57amazing
11:59jesus christ
11:59bummeda
12:00yeah fair play to you
12:02that was pretty special
12:04bummeda
12:04it's a mixture of bummer and bender
12:06i think he'll be alright about it though
12:08he can take a joke
12:11that was taken as a joke
12:12my lips around your bellend
12:14yeah it should be fine
12:16i love carly
12:18i love carly
12:21shit i've got to tell her
12:22what if she feels the same
12:23seems fairly unlikely
12:24life is about these moments
12:26it's the things you don't do you regret
12:28it's the kind of cavalier philosophy
12:29that caused my father to leave my mother
12:31you go for it
12:32bummeda
12:32and so we headed for carly's house
12:35i feel a bit stupid doing this
12:37this is fine isn't it
12:38yeah
12:39yeah
12:39yeah definitely
12:40yeah
12:40you would tell me if i was being a dick
12:42of course i would
12:43yeah
12:43yeah
12:44yeah
12:44i think writing her surname is particularly important
12:46i mean it is her drive
12:48but you wouldn't want there to be any carly based confusion
12:50yeah i reckon if you put a kiss she'll definitely suck you off
12:53what the fuck is that
12:54what
12:55simon why are you vandalising my drive
12:58um
12:59what's it say what
13:00you love me
13:02look
13:02i can easily wash it off
13:04and we can just pretend it never happened
13:06and i could not tell anyone
13:07and you could not tell anyone
13:09and my mates could not tell anyone
13:10and most importantly your mates could not tell anyone
13:12simon we've known each other for ages
13:14why are you doing this now
13:15um
13:16we were playing dares
13:17did someone dare you to be the world's biggest saddo
13:21so what
13:21you are in love with me
13:23this couldn't have gone any better
13:27actually i think this is pretty cool simon
13:29sort of artistic
13:30it's like banksy or something
13:32why don't you come over to mine tonight
13:34i'm babysitting for my brother and we can sort this out then yeah
13:37really
13:37yeah come round about eight
13:38my folks will be out by then
13:40probably best to avoid them till this is washed away
13:43um
13:43yeah i'm not sure this washes away
13:45whatever
13:45well i'll see you later
13:49yes
13:51incredibly
13:51i think you might be in there
13:53of course he's in there
13:54she is wet for you mate
13:55i cannot believe this works
13:57maybe she was impressed by your artistic side
13:59nah bollocks
14:00it's because you're drunk
14:01do you think so
14:02yeah it's because you're wasted
14:04like pete doherty innit
14:05girls love it
14:06i think pete doherty is on heroin
14:08i'm not sure i should do heroin jay
14:11right vodka whiskey and a load of creme de month
14:14when she sees you after this she'll be frothing at the gash
14:16are you sure my dad won't notice
14:18nah he'll never tell
14:19i think he might as his whiskey now tastes of apple juice
14:22it'll be worth it
14:24what's that
14:24fuck off
14:25what you got there
14:26and again fuck off
14:28you are in such a shit
14:29that's a hat trick
14:30fuck off
14:31mum knows you bunked off
14:32and also everyone knows that you love carly domato
14:35i don't love her actually
14:36everyone knows you spaz
14:38you wrote it on the pavement outside her house
14:41even the year elevens are laughing about how sad you are
14:43yeah
14:44well how sad is a date at her house tonight
14:46you're such a sad
14:48no you're the sad because
14:50twat
14:50you're such a little
14:51fuck shit
14:53he's made you look a right knob
14:56so when are you going to make the move then
14:57i don't know
14:57i've got to get the kid brother out of the way first
14:59well i could come and look after him for you
15:01bollocks
15:01i'll take care of the kid
15:03while you take care of the
15:05business
15:07mmm
15:09business
15:13i think i better take will
15:15fine your funeral
15:16jay was wrong
15:17it wouldn't be a funeral
15:19but it would be about as much fun as one
15:29and so that evening
15:30we arrived at the house of the girl simon had always loved
15:33and we were drunk
15:34so very drunk
15:36hi
15:36hi
15:37hello there
15:38oh
15:38hello william
15:39um
15:40you coming in then simon
15:43are you his chaperone
15:44no it's cool babes
15:45he's gonna watch the kid whilst we chat
15:47about you know
15:48our feelings
15:49okay
15:50best not to call me babes though
15:52really
15:53really
15:55come on in then
15:56chris is in there watching tv will
15:59come on you let's get a drink
16:03so dad went totally ballistic about the driveway
16:05i think you're still invited over for christmas
16:08but he's gonna make your parents pay for an industrial stone gleaner
16:12it was worth it
16:13can you smell bleach
16:18what are you watching
16:19don't know i think there's been a big bomb
16:21really
16:22oh it's one of those recreations of a dirty bomb
16:25what's a dirty bomb
16:26oh it's just a big nuclear bomb that terrorists would use to kill everyone in london
16:34have you been drinking spirits
16:37sorry
16:37don't know what i was thinking
16:38would you like some
16:39i'll stick to wine thanks
16:41wine is for girls
16:42i am a girl
16:43this is a man's drink
16:45if you don't want it i'll have it
16:47and if you can't take me like this
16:49well i'm sorry babes
16:50but this is the package
16:57oops there goes the tallest building in london
16:59that'll be a few thousand dead
17:00my mum and dad are in london tonight
17:03would they be killed
17:04oh yes
17:05not only killed but obliterated
17:07merely a scorched shadow on the pavement
17:09dust
17:10so they are dead forever
17:12yep dead forever
17:15my mummy
17:16my daddy
17:18no
17:18mummy
17:19mummy
17:20come on carly
17:21you know why i'm here
17:23and i know why i'm here
17:27and you know why i'm here
17:30kiss me
17:31simon you know i've got a boyfriend
17:32just finger yourself in front of me
17:35jesus simon
17:36they do it in caravan club
17:37come on
17:38i know you want to
17:39well i don't want to
17:41so
17:41yeah you do
17:42you
17:44simon are you alright
17:52oh christ
18:01i don't think i'm very well
18:05chris
18:09look i'm really sorry
18:10i was just telling about terrorists and stuff
18:12you were telling a seven year old about terrorists
18:14he wouldn't see it for a week now you idiot
18:17have you unblocked the sink yet
18:18all the lumps
18:19i'm really sorry
18:21i think maybe i ate something
18:23could we maybe sit down and talk about us
18:26and have you got any neurofen it's just like
18:34oh dear
18:38i think we'll be off now
18:40right i think we'd better get you back to mine and cleaned up
18:44oh god my head
18:46i've ruined it
18:49i love her and i've ruined it with her
18:51oh god
18:52oh she's so amazing
18:54i'm gonna say this to you as a friend
18:56shut
18:57up
18:58today has been a fuck up from start to finish
19:00we need to write it off
19:01okay today's gone
19:02it isn't gonna get any worse
19:06oh shit
19:07isn't that your mum's car
19:09yep
19:10and that's neil's dad's car
19:13oh shit
19:17oh shit
19:19well it's every wednesday and we play a sort of i suppose it's the best of three games
19:23right
19:24changing facilities
19:24not too bad
19:25yeah
19:25yeah
19:26it's a good thing
19:31right
19:32sit down you two
19:34sometimes in life you have to sit down and take your punishment like a man
19:39unfortunately this was not one of those times
19:41well
19:43you've had quite a day off
19:46you've lied to your mothers
19:47bought alcohol illegally
19:48abused neil's dad
19:50stole my suit
19:51defaced the pavement outside carly's
19:53am i missing anything
19:55we also hit a spastic with a frisbee
19:58i feel totally let down william
19:59it wasn't our fault mum
20:01and what you said to kevin here
20:02i thought i brought you up better than that
20:03it isn't our fault
20:04why is it not your fault then
20:07it all happened because he touched us
20:09what
20:10me
20:12he touched us here
20:15and here
20:18and here
20:20the bum hole
20:21you evil little shits
20:24i'll deal with this kevin
20:25now listen to me you two that is an extraordinary allegation and you should think very carefully
20:30before you repeat it
20:31just because kevin's gay doesn't mean he goes
20:32wait no i'm not gay
20:33it's all right kevin
20:34we're all friends doesn't matter
20:35no but i'm not gay
20:36i was married for nearly
20:37oscar ward was married
20:38that is enough william
20:40although he is right kevin
20:41and obviously it's fine
20:42well no no i'm not gay
20:43all right don't have a hissy fit
20:44just because kevin is gay
20:46doesn't make him automatically a paedophile
20:48i'm not a paedophile
20:49so if you want to repeat those allegations
20:52then we'll take them seriously
20:53but if you want to tell us the truth that it never happened
20:56we'll move on to the other things you're in trouble for
20:58okay
21:00the truth is
21:02we're alcoholics
21:03you have to help us
21:05all we can think about is where the next drink is going to come from
21:07we're literally out of control
21:09today we even talked about heroin
21:11there's a long road ahead of us
21:13but with your support
21:14and your love
21:16we think we can make it
21:18so please
21:19as our parents
21:22help us
21:37and so we were so pathetic
21:39even my mum
21:40who has no sense of humour
21:41was laughing at us
21:47hello
21:48you the one
21:49thanks
21:49how's your mum
21:50not happy
21:51but fit
21:52like a prostitute
21:53how's your dad
21:55really not happy
21:56but at least he's not bent like neils
21:58what
21:59shit it's saying
22:00you don't look well mate
22:01what happened
22:02he was up all night
22:03fucking carly's brains out
22:04huh
22:05not quite
22:06obviously by not quite
22:07he means he pukes on her brother's head
22:08then went home and accused neil's dad of being a paedophile
22:10you dickhead
22:11what a knob
22:14my dad's not a pedo
22:16hello boys
22:17good of you to join us today
22:19oh shit
22:21shit indeed
22:22now boys
22:23you are in the sixth form
22:25so actually you're under no legal obligation to attend school
22:29Sutherland
22:30Cartwright
22:30if you want to piss away your chance of gaining some qualifications and improving your lives
22:35then be my guest
22:36I still get paid at the end of the week
22:38really
22:38oh great
22:39brilliant
22:40thanks sir
22:41I knew no day could go as badly as yesterday did
22:43however Cooper
22:45Mackenzie
22:46phoning the school and pretending to be your parents
22:48oh
22:49that my little friends
22:50is fraud
22:52I think we'd better go and see the head
23:07they say it's the things you don't do in life that you regret
23:10well that's clearly not true
23:11I regret hitting that girl with a frisbee
23:15and I regret hurling insults at neil's dad
23:17bum duh
23:18and I'm pretty certain that simon regrets almost everything he did that day
23:24oh dear
23:25but they also say
23:26all's well that ends well
23:28hang on
23:29this didn't even end well
23:56fuck
23:56fuck
23:57fuck
23:57fuck
23:58fuck
23:58You
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