- 2 days ago
- #tv
- #comedy
- #entertainment
'Gas'
#tv #comedy #entertainment
#tv #comedy #entertainment
Category
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TVTranscript
00:04I
00:53All right, I'll bet another week's worth of washing up.
01:02I'll see your weeks washing up, and I'll raise you four trips to the laundrette, 3p in real money, and
01:17one cleaning and disinfecting right round the back of the lavatory bowl.
01:28Well, that's cleaned me out.
01:30Right. What have you got?
01:32Right.
01:34Three pairs.
01:35What do you mean three pairs? You're only allowed five cards.
01:38Oh, shit.
01:41Two pairs. Well, two and a half pairs.
01:44Stand up.
01:45No.
01:46Come on.
01:46I can't. I've got a hernia.
01:47No, you haven't.
01:49I haven't. It's all the excitement. Just gave me a hernia.
01:50Look, stand up or I'll give you a hernia.
01:52All right, all right, all right.
01:54Cards.
01:57Shoes.
01:58Oh, don't be ridiculous.
01:58Yes, I saw you. Fold them up and put them in there.
02:04Underpants.
02:05Oh, Eddie, those are my best ones.
02:07Look, I'm not angry. It's just we're playing with a deck of 12 cards here.
02:12All right.
02:19Right. Let's get on with the game.
02:21Right.
02:22What have you got?
02:26Five kings.
02:28Five kings.
02:31Damn, you get me every time.
02:34Come here, we little beauties. Let's see what we got, then.
02:37A signed photo of Sue Carpenter.
02:40Oh, and a Chinese burn.
02:42I think I'll have that now.
02:43One of these days I'm going to learn the rules to that game, mate.
02:45Then you'll really be for it.
02:51Well, who on earth can that be at this time of day?
02:53Well, I'm not expecting anyone.
02:55Nor am I.
02:55Well, it must be for someone else, then.
02:57Yeah.
02:58Right, another game.
02:59You bet.
02:59Seven-car stud or crazy eights.
03:01Makes no difference to me, mate.
03:02I don't know the rules.
03:03Right.
03:04One card slam it is, then.
03:05Okey-doke.
03:06Oh!
03:0712 quid.
03:11Bloody hell.
03:13No wonder they all shoot each other on those riverboats.
03:16Oh, God, it's him.
03:17He's breaking my concentration.
03:18Answer the door, Eddie.
03:18This man's costing me a fortune.
03:20I don't have to, mate.
03:21Not for the next six years.
03:25All right, I'm coming.
03:27All right, all right.
03:29Who do you think I am?
03:30Speedy Gonzales?
03:33Right.
03:33That's enough of that.
03:34That's my electricity, you know.
03:35I'm not the Argy Khan.
03:36I'm not the Argy Khan.
03:37Christ!
03:39It's the gas man.
03:41Hello.
03:41I wonder if I could just read your meter.
03:44Hello, Mr. Gas Man!
03:45Er, yes, hello.
03:46You what?
03:47Hello, Mr. Gas Man!
03:49Er, yes, hello again.
03:50I wonder if I could just read your meter.
03:52Mr. Gas Man!
03:53Gas Man!
03:54Gas Man!
03:57Do you have someone who looks after you?
04:00Could I see them?
04:02Because I need to read your meter.
04:05Who is it, darling?
04:06It's the gas man!
04:07Yes, I think we've established that.
04:10Well, don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat.
04:12Show him in.
04:18Oh, it's nice and warm in here.
04:20Right, I'll just have a look at your meter, if I may.
04:23Ah, yes, here's the little fella.
04:28Oh, you don't want to look at that, mate.
04:29It's very boring.
04:31I'd have looked at it once and fell into a coma.
04:33Well, actually, that's where you're on.
04:35Because the ones on this street are particularly interesting.
04:38Oh, really?
04:40Why's that, then?
04:41Well, there's been a complaint from someone in this street
04:44that they're paying too much for their gas.
04:47We've got to check all the meters in this street
04:49and make sure everything's okay.
04:54Have you checked next door yet?
04:56No, they're next.
04:58Oh.
04:59That is, if I don't knock off before I get to him.
05:04It's quarter to six now.
05:07So if it takes me 15 minutes to do this one,
05:10probably won't get you until tomorrow morning.
05:16That's odd.
05:17What?
05:18Is there some sort of problem, officer?
05:21Oh, it's just a strange reading.
05:24Really?
05:25What does it say?
05:27Not, not.
05:28Not, not.
05:29Not, not, not.
05:32Yeah.
05:33That'd be right.
05:35We don't use gas, do we, Eddie?
05:37I don't even know what it is, mate.
05:39What is gas?
05:40All right, all right.
05:40Don't spoil it.
05:42So how do you keep it so warm in here, then?
05:45We make love.
05:49No, no, not, not together, you understand.
05:51On our own.
05:56That's very interesting.
05:58Takes all sorts, don't it?
06:01Right, I think I'll be on my way, then.
06:04No, no!
06:05Wait!
06:06What is it?
06:09Do you want a cup of tea?
06:12Tea?
06:13No, I don't think I will, thank you very much.
06:14You must!
06:15You must!
06:16You must drink our tea!
06:17It's the best tea in London.
06:19Sit down and drink it for about 12 minutes.
06:21Right, yes, I'd love a cup of tea.
06:22Thank you very much.
06:27Right.
06:28I'll put the kettle on, then.
06:32Put the kettle on?
06:34Yeah, put the kettle on the floor.
06:38Because we won't be needing that, because we don't use gas.
06:44How do we usually make the tea?
06:49Uh, we usually use the water from the hot tap, don't we?
06:56Yeah, that's what we do.
06:58Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
06:59Funny the things you forget, eh?
07:01Ha, ha, ha, ha!
07:10Nice trousers.
07:14They, they remind me of a story I know.
07:17A long story.
07:19It lasts about 15 minutes.
07:24um once upon a time there there was a big forest and in the middle of the forest there lived
07:35some trousers called Dave well come along Eddie we're dying for some lovely cups of refreshing
07:45tea is your water heated by a gas boiler then yeah no it isn't because we don't use gas because
07:55we
07:55don't know what it is using your tap then we get the cold water from the hot tap that way
08:03we save
08:03wear and tear on the cold tap and how do you eat the water for the tea then we don't
08:08we have it cold
08:10don't we Eddie yes that's right we have it cold but your pilot light seems to be on is it
08:18oh my god
08:19it's called fire that was a close one wasn't it here we go then three mugs of steaming cold tea
08:31better drink it before it gets warm
08:35ah cheerio then this is the best tea in London
08:54lovely well come on Eddie you're not drinking yours
08:57yes I know I'm watching you enjoying yours
09:00well come on do your fair share you bastard and you
09:02er no I don't think I'll bother if you don't mind
09:05that's bloody hell I drank mine look it's not fair
09:07no I think I'll be on me way
09:08well you'll sit down there
09:10sit down there and drink your tea
09:12come on all of it
09:13now
09:23thank you very much
09:25lovely
09:27right er I'll just be on me way then
09:29no you can't go
09:30oh why not
09:32because I love you
09:35what
09:35I love you and I can't live without you
09:37at least not for the next eight minutes
09:39right that's it
09:40I'm off
09:41you stay where you are mate
09:42no I'm afraid I'm on my way
09:44you're not going anywhere
10:13you're not going anywhere mate
10:17mate
10:19mate
10:21heavy
10:22you killed him
10:26I never touched him
10:28yeah but the frying pan did didn't it
10:30you were touching that at the time
10:32bollocks you killed him
10:33he was dead before he hit the ground
10:34well then why do you keep hitting him with the frying pan
10:38for fun
10:40oh god
10:41what are we going to do
10:45about 25 years I think
10:48no rubbish
10:49it was an accident
10:50he
10:50he fell over on his way to the door
10:52that's right
10:53and
10:54banged himself repeatedly over the head
10:56with a frying pan
10:56you're right
10:58we're done for
10:59wake up you bastard
11:01you bastard
11:04you bastard
11:05calm down
11:05I am calm
11:08you bastard
11:10you bastard
11:12calm down you hysterical girls
11:14I'm sorry
11:15I'm sorry
11:16okay
11:17oh god
11:18oh god this is real
11:19that's right
11:20so we've got to be sensible
11:22sensible
11:23let's eat him
11:25no sorry
11:26stupid idea
11:27we're not allowed to use the gas are we
11:29hey
11:30maybe he's not dead
11:31maybe he's just stunned
11:32why don't you give him the kiss of life
11:34yeah
11:35no I will not
11:37you sad pervy
11:40we've got a dead body in the house
11:41and your first idea is to sexually assault it
11:45oh come on
11:46you've always wanted to find out what snogging's really like
11:58all right
12:05look just hold his nose
12:06yank his mouth open
12:07and blow a load of air into his lungs
12:09that doesn't sound very romantic Eddie
12:11good grief
12:11it's no wonder you're still single
12:12get out of the way
12:13I'll do it
12:14get off
12:14get off
12:14he's my bird
12:15do you want to fight about it
12:17we'll get on with it Dave
12:18all right I am
12:24I'll get out of the way
12:25I'll give him a go with this
12:26I'll give him in his mouth
12:34how's he looking
12:35fatter
12:38mind you
12:38the colour's come back to his cheeks
12:39yeah but it shouldn't be bright purple
12:43this isn't going to work
12:49is he related to you
12:52hang on
12:52I've had a better idea
12:54no
12:54no Eddie
12:56no
12:57have you no shame
12:59no it's not natural
13:01besides which I'm going to do the washing up in those later
13:07oh that's what you're doing
13:08I thought it was
13:08you know
13:09right
13:10open his shirt
13:11right
13:13now I'm just going to undo your zip
13:14it's nothing sexy
13:16it's actually quite good for you
13:17so you lie back and relax
13:19well that's what you're doing anyway
13:20isn't it
13:21get out of the way
13:22I'll do it
13:23here hold these
13:29stop messing about
13:37right here it goes
13:49it's no good
13:51he's dead
13:55well how are we going to get rid of the body
13:57well
13:58I'm still all in favour of eating him
14:00I mean doesn't matter about the gas problem
14:01we could have him cooled
14:03I don't like the look of him
14:04well that's not a problem
14:05we'll sellotape a picture of Sue Carpenter over his face
14:07you'd soon tuck in then wouldn't you
14:09I know I would
14:10all right
14:10here you go then
14:11oh great
14:13here we go
14:14oh god there's so much to choose from isn't there
14:17um dumpty dumpty dum
14:24wait a minute
14:25I've got a better idea
14:26we don't have to eat him
14:27we'll get someone else to eat him for us
14:34great he's still open
14:35hello I'm Al
14:36how's the kebab business
14:39yeah yeah
14:39yeah all right
14:40I don't want a conversation about it
14:41it was just an English pleasantry
14:44well how are you off for meat
14:46yeah
14:46I'll bugger you then
14:48damn
14:49no good
14:49he said his Alsatian got run over this morning
14:51so he's all right for meat for the rest of the week
14:55what are we going to do with the body
14:58what body
14:59heavy
15:00that is absolutely
15:05pathetic
15:06yeah well it's early days
15:08we've got to flatten him out a bit
15:09oh right
15:15that's not bad actually
15:16that's pretty good
15:18you know I think we're going to get away with this
15:20all right
15:20I'll pretend to be a policeman
15:22okie doke
15:26hello hello hello
15:27what's that dead body doing under the carpet
15:30go
15:30oh hey
15:32I've just had an idea
15:33why don't we stick him on a bus
15:35yeah
15:35no no good
15:36the conductor had noticed but he didn't pay his fare
15:38no no why don't we stick him on a bus
15:40because the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare
15:43I mean on the roof
15:45oh
15:47you don't get conductors on the roof
15:49exactly
15:50that's what makes the plan so flawless
15:52nobody will find him till he gets to the depot
15:54and even then they won't know where he's come from
15:55yeah
15:55well not unless they look at his pocketbook
15:57and see that the last job he had today was here
15:59oh
15:59well that's no problem
16:01oh look
16:02he's got a fiver here
16:03that should come in handy
16:05right then
16:06where are we
16:07here we are
16:09right
16:10no problem with the meter in this flat
16:15don't check
16:16check for another
16:18three
16:18hundred years
16:23nice people
16:24especially the bloke with the glasses
16:27who wasn't holding a frame
16:34nice atmos all together really
16:36all right dickens get on with it
16:38left
16:39in high spirits
16:41to indulge
16:44in my hobby
16:46of
16:47bus surfing
16:49oh quick
16:51Eddie there's one of the lights
17:03one
17:05two
17:06three
17:09bloody hell my head
17:13what am I
17:14what happened
17:20you banged your head on the frying pan Eddie was holding
17:23several times
17:24and then you tried to throw yourself out of the window
17:26oh god it's the loony
17:28let me out of here
17:29yes you've got no time to go next door now
17:31you better knock off straight away
17:32you better get home to your wife
17:34right yes
17:35I've got a wife
17:36that'll be the amnesia mate
17:38oh right yes
17:39I wonder where I live
17:41yes
17:48you stupid stupid bastard
17:50I knew you'd get us into trouble
17:51it looked all right to me
17:52I'm not talking about him
17:53I'm talking about nicking next door's gas supply
18:16I'll keep him talking and you go into the kitchen and do all the dangerous stuff okay
18:25that sounds just a trifle unfair to me
18:27that's the spirit
18:28have you got the wrench
18:29no it's just my underpants are a bit tight
18:43no no no no no no no no there's no time for merriment we've got to get in and do
18:46a job baby
18:48okay okay right come on let's hasten to the neighbors shouldn't be any problem he's a nice enough man
18:54now that's true
18:57evening mr. rottweiler
18:59what is it
19:00just like friendly visits
19:01may we come in
19:02bugger off I've got a bird upstairs
19:04but we brought you around half a bottle of sherry
19:06not very much
19:07anything else
19:08who is it darling
19:09it's them bastards from next door
19:12I won't be a tick
19:14have you got a real woman in there
19:16oh can we have a look
19:19son of
19:20oh no go on go on
19:21just a peek
19:21do you mind if I get my camera
19:23look don't make me angry
19:25something very special's happened to me
19:28I'm in love
19:29it's the real thing
19:30so I don't want you two jerks coming around messing things up
19:33do you understand
19:34if I see either of you again tonight
19:38I'll kill ya
19:49what
19:50shut my fingers at the door
20:07keep your head down
20:11what
20:17keep your head down
20:19pardon
20:21it doesn't matter
20:34what
20:36it doesn't matter
20:39what doesn't matter
20:40what I just said
20:42what did you just say
20:43it doesn't matter
20:44no no I heard that before that
20:46I was just telling you to keep your head down
20:48oh
20:50I know that
21:04arsehole
21:05I heard that
21:11bloody Nora
21:12shut up
21:15they're having it off
21:18I'll be right over
21:24bloody hell
21:25you see I told you
21:27you do do it like that
21:30god who'd have thought it
21:32shut up I can't see
21:34I can only see my nipple
21:35careful
21:36I want to see some more
21:37careful
21:38look
21:46get one shot
21:47get one shot
21:52now
21:53according to my calculations
21:54Rottweiler's kitchen should be just about here
21:56yeah
21:57so
21:57I'll make a little hole
21:59you squeeze through
22:00fix the gas
22:01and slip out through the front door
22:02while I replace the bricks
22:03I mean
22:04what could be simpler than that
22:06absolutely nothing
22:07you're right
22:07and absolutely nothing
22:08can go wrong
22:09right
22:09just a couple of bricks here
22:11okie dokie matey
22:16no
22:20despair not
22:21despair what
22:22faint heart
22:23near one fair maid
22:27you talk an incredible amount of bollocks
22:29don't you
22:33you go into the kitchen
22:34I'll tidy up in here
22:35okie dokie
22:39buy the squeaky board
22:43that one
22:44that's the one
22:44ok
22:49me too
23:12there
23:13oh no
23:18good
23:19good
23:20good
23:35good
23:36good
24:05How are you doing, Eddie?
24:06Very well, thank you.
24:09How much longer are you going to be?
24:12Oh, quite a while.
24:14I'll just tidy things up in here.
24:45No, no, no, no, no.
24:56No, no, no, no.
25:04No, no, no, no.
25:22Right, time for a bit of work.
25:31No, no, no, no, no.
25:59No-one would ever know.
26:13Richie?
26:22Why didn't we just pay our gas bill?
26:25Richie!
26:26Shut up!
26:28Richie!
26:31Oh, you really made the earth move, you sex monster.
26:36Come on, let's do it some more.
26:39You raunchy love and love.
26:41Well, you create a hunk of zebra.
26:50Eddie, Eddie, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing?
26:56I thought I'd burn it off.
26:58What, your face?
26:59No, the excess gas.
27:01Really?
27:01And how long do you think it'll take to burn off the entire North Sea gas reserves?
27:04I don't know, what do you reckon?
27:06I reckon we ought to get out of here.
27:07Okie dokie.
27:08I'll just get rid of the evidence.
27:10Come on, come on.
27:11You bloody did it.
27:12You and me together.
27:13From here to eternity.
27:14Come on, let's get out of here.
27:15Come on.
27:18Up and stage, quick.
27:26Quick, Eddie.
27:34Well, give me a hand, for Christ's sake.
27:35Hang on.
27:36Just a quick one for the album.
27:45Daddy, help!
27:46My kitchen!
27:48Help!
27:49Help!
27:50Somebody call that gas board!
27:52Hello, I'm from the gas board.
27:54Right, and that was quick.
27:56What?
27:57My kitchen's on fire!
27:59My God, and all your gas bills so high.
28:01How did this happen?
28:02You tell me, face it, you're the bleeding expert.
28:05Where are the other two?
28:07What other two?
28:08The two loonies next door.
28:09They were here a moment ago.
28:11Here?
28:11In my flat?
28:13Aye, large as life.
28:17There we are.
28:18The last brick.
28:20Safe and sound at last.
28:21I never thought we'd get away with it.
28:23Put it right there, old pal.
28:26No, I will not.
28:27Brains, you see, Eddie.
28:28Brains over brawn.
28:29I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:34I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:36I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:43I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:45I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:46I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:50I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:50I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:51I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:51I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:52I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:52I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
28:54I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit.
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