'Will Is Home Alone' Already under pressure from Mr. Gilbert to rat on Neil and Jay for destroying a flower bed, Will does not think it a good idea that the other boys come to his house to throw a party whilst his mother is on a weekend break. #comedy #tv #series
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00:04Music
00:20Weekends in suburbia are a great time to wash the car, mow the lawn or insult your children.
00:26Right, we'll only be a couple of hours. Try not to break anything.
00:29Don't you want to take Benji?
00:30We're going to eat Grandad's grave, you moron. Why do we want to take that shitty machine with us?
00:35He likes the fresh air.
00:36So do my bollocks. Doesn't mean I take them out in graveyards.
00:41Dickhead.
00:42With his parents gone, Jay did what pretty much every male human does when they think they might get five
00:47minutes alone in the house.
00:49Unfortunately for him, he wasn't alone. He had company.
01:02Fuckin' hell Benji!
01:04Jay was into some pretty weird stuff, but even he drew the line at letting the family pet stare at
01:09his penis.
01:10Why don't you just shut him out of the room?
01:11Well I tried that, but he goes mental. Scratches at the door and howls. That's even more distracting.
01:16Or you could take him to a dog training class. I think traditionally they teach more sit-stay-beg, not
01:20stop watching me wank, you're putting me off.
01:22Why didn't you buy a PS3? Everyone knows that Wiis are for children and girls.
01:26And gays.
01:26Well I'm just heading out...
01:27Oh sorry, didn't realise we had friends around. Hello boys.
01:29Hi Mrs Mackenzie.
01:30Hello.
01:31Hi.
01:31I see you're enjoying Will's new WII.
01:33It's called a Wii.
01:35It's pretty neat isn't it? It's the only computer game I've ever been able to play.
01:37Would you like your game now Mrs Mackenzie?
01:39Oh no, I'm not very good. Even Will can beat me.
01:41You must be terrible.
01:42Well I'll give you some tips. With this one the trick is to bounce around a lot.
01:46Is it?
01:47Oh yeah, you really need to bounce. Up and down.
01:49Okay, maybe I'll give it a quick game.
01:51No you definitely won't.
01:52Did you want something?
01:53Oh not really. I'm just going away for the weekend and wondered if there's anything special you wanted from Waitrose.
01:57You're going away? Where?
01:59To a friend's house in the Cotswolds.
02:01You don't have any friends in the Cotswolds?
02:02Yes I do.
02:03Who?
02:04Fergus.
02:05Sorry, who?
02:05Fergus. We were friends at college and we've just recently caught up again on Facebooks.
02:10You're going away with a Facebook stalker?
02:12Do you not watch the news?
02:13Where's he taking you? A ditch off the A40?
02:15I know you're upset but try not to overreact.
02:18Maybe we should talk about this later.
02:20No, let's talk about it now in front of everyone.
02:22I've got nothing to hide, have you?
02:23Well try and stay calm or you'll have an asthma attack just like you did that time when we lost
02:27Teddy.
02:27Okay fine, yeah we'll talk about it later.
02:29For the record it was an allergy. It wasn't Teddy's fault.
02:32But luckily the others didn't take the piss for too long because they were obsessed with the really big news
02:36of the day.
02:37With Will's mum on Facebook, that's tonight's wank lined up.
02:39I doubt she's put anything too outrageous up there.
02:41As long as it has the eyes, eyes is all I really need.
02:43Why is she going away to get wrinkly old cock when she could just stay at home and have one
02:46massive young pulp?
02:47It's a mystery to me.
02:48That is perhaps the greatest mystery of all time.
02:50Oi Neil.
02:54Why do that?
02:55It's just funny.
02:56And cool.
02:56But that's someone's garden, it's vandalism.
02:58Nah, vandalism is like smashing in people's windows or something.
03:00This is just a laugh. Give it a go Si.
03:02Don't think so.
03:03What, in case you go to prison for killing flowers?
03:05Don't worry Si, don't hurt them. They ain't got feelings. Look.
03:10I'll pass.
03:11Good luck with the landscape gardening. I'll see you later.
03:13What are you getting?
03:14Golf. Got the father-son tournament at the weekend.
03:16Golf?
03:17Golf is for fat wankers in their 40s. You know what golf stands for?
03:20No. What?
03:22Gay, outdoor lifestyle with fellas.
03:25Brilliant.
03:25Well, it's not as entertaining as playing with flowers, but I sort of don't care what you say
03:29because it turns out I'm quite good at it. We might actually win.
03:31Oh, win. See you later then.
03:32Oh mate, that is too perfect.
03:35Nice.
03:36Oh what? Come on.
03:37Listen, tiger wuss, you should probably get off. You won't like this.
03:40Some flowers are about to get fucked up.
03:42So while the other three were enjoying themselves, I was having a terrible week.
03:45Finding out your mum is on Facebook is bad enough, but finding out she's using it to look for cock
03:50is beyond the pale.
03:51Am I overreacting? I've never been introduced to even the notion of a boyfriend. I think I'm entitled to be
03:55reasonably defensive about him.
03:57Neil, your parents have been divorced longer than mine. What was it like when your mum had her first boyfriend?
04:01It weren't too bad. He was a bit like my dad. I suppose she's got a type.
04:03Guys, fuck off.
04:05It's still difficult though, isn't it?
04:06Yeah, no, I understand. Do you think this is the first nob she's had since your dad?
04:10Whoa, maybe we'll leave the heart to heart for now then, Neil.
04:12But we have established that this Fergus bloke is boning her.
04:15They're just going to Bath for the weekend, sightseeing.
04:17The major sight being her tits in his mouth.
04:19I think it's the Roman Baths, actually.
04:21So, when should we come round for the party?
04:23Erm, never.
04:24Oh, come on, if your mum's going away, you've got to have a party.
04:27No, I'm not going to be one of these idiots who advertise a small gathering on Facebook.
04:30Then 4,000 people turn up, the roof gets stolen, and the next morning they're on the news saying things
04:35just got out of hand.
04:37Plus, your mum will probably find out now she's on Facebook.
04:39Yeah, tell her she hasn't replied to my friend request yet.
04:41Please stop looking at my mum on the internet, Neil.
04:43Did a lot more than look at her last night.
04:45And that's an okay thing to say now, is it?
04:47Alright, let's keep this party simples.
04:49Just us, a crate of vodka, and a jacuzzi full of clunge.
04:52No parties, and no imaginary orgies.
04:54That's the last thing I need.
04:55It's bad enough my mum's now practically internet dating.
04:59Mackenzie, did you just say your mother is internet dating?
05:03Erm, sort of.
05:05Ah, interesting.
05:06I'm single at the moment, and she is very much my type.
05:10Okay.
05:11Maybe you could set me up with her, and then who knows?
05:14If things go well, you could end up calling me Daddy.
05:18Is this what you wanted to see me about, sir?
05:21No, my office, now.
05:25Great.
05:26Now even the head of sixth form was doing jokes about my mum.
05:29At least I hoped he was joking.
05:31As I'm sure you're aware, there's been a spate of vandalism recently,
05:35culminating in someone adapting the flower displayed by the main road
05:38so that it now reads,
05:40We Come Tit Village.
05:43Oh, you think that's funny to you, Mackenzie?
05:45Well, a bit?
05:46Doesn't it make sense?
05:47We Come Tit Village?
05:49What kind of morons would do that?
05:50I think you know exactly who did it.
05:53What?
05:54I don't know, sir.
05:56Honestly, I don't.
05:57Oh, come on, Mackenzie.
05:58You're the sort of busybody that knows everything that's going on.
06:01You can't resist getting that beak of yours into other people's business.
06:04Beak?
06:04Yes, your beaky nose.
06:06And if you don't tell me who did it,
06:07in my role as your UCAS referee,
06:10I will fuck your application up.
06:14I honestly don't know who did it.
06:16I don't!
06:17I would have grasped!
06:18You know I would have grasped!
06:20Straight away!
06:21Yes, that is true.
06:23Well, you've got till Monday to find out,
06:25or it's goodbye, first-rate education.
06:27Hello, the University of Lincoln.
06:30This was serious.
06:31I'd been to Lincoln, and it's a shithull.
06:33But luckily, I was about to take part in the shortest investigation ever.
06:36What did Gilbert want, then?
06:38He thinks I know who vandalised the roundabout.
06:40Maybe you do.
06:42Oh, God.
06:43It was you two, wasn't it?
06:45I can't remember.
06:46Was it us, Neil?
06:47I can't remember, Joe.
06:49Yeah, it was us.
06:50Fucking brilliant.
06:51Well done, you morons.
06:53Thanks.
06:54You gonna grasp them up, then?
06:55Yes, of course.
06:56Oh, well.
07:00Fine.
07:01No, then.
07:02Yeah, hilarious.
07:03You vandalise something, I end up at the University of Lincoln.
07:06I'll tell you what will be hilarious.
07:07What's that?
07:08When Gilbert fucks your mum, he will crush her.
07:11No, a lovely big tissue cushion him, I reckon.
07:13Yeah, if he's on top.
07:14But what about from behind, Neil?
07:15Well, can you imagine the size of his bollocks?
07:17It'd be like two massive wrecking balls smashing against their arse.
07:21Lovely image.
07:21She's gonna be a mess when he's finished with her.
07:24Oh, maybe we'll go twos out with that Fergus bloke.
07:26What an enjoyable conversation this is about my actual mother.
07:29Yeah, I bet she's getting a load right now.
07:31Well, she isn't because she doesn't leave till tomorrow.
07:33Oh, Simon, do you wanna stay over?
07:34Oh, what? You said no one was allowed round?
07:36It's for security reasons.
07:38You mean you're too scared to sleep in the house on your own?
07:40No.
07:41I can't, sorry.
07:42I got the golf tournament at eight on Sunday,
07:43so I promised my dad I wouldn't be out late on Saturday.
07:46I'll tell you what, briefcase.
07:47I need a night away from the dog, so if you're gonna be scared, I'll stay round.
07:50And I won't even charge.
07:51I just need some baby lotion and access to your mum's knicker drawer.
07:54Well, it's a lovely offer, but I think I'll pass.
07:57Neil, are you around?
07:58As long as I'll bring my PS3 so we don't have to play those shit Wii games.
08:01Yeah, anything you like.
08:02How come he can fucking stay an icon?
08:04Well, mainly because he's not planning to ejaculate over my mother's underwear.
08:08I ain't promise you nothing.
08:11The next day and my mum was all set to go.
08:14Now, I'm not one for making rash judgements,
08:16but to me, Fergus looked like a massive ginger bellend with a stupid car and I hated him.
08:20The fridge is full, but if you need anything else, the Ocado account number's by the computer.
08:23You're only gonna be away for one night, aren't you?
08:25Probably.
08:26I've left the heating on constant, just in case you get cold.
08:28And don't forget, Mrs Springett's got a key, so she'll be popping in to check you're okay.
08:31Well, look forward to an unscheduled appearance from her, then.
08:33Oh, and Neil, Will's a little bit stressed at the moment.
08:35Me not being around might bring on one of his migraines.
08:38If that does happen, there are special suppositories in the bathroom cabinet.
08:40Mum?
08:41It's the only thing that works.
08:42He's usually a bit sick.
08:43Can't keep painkillers down.
08:44Just need to pop two in.
08:46In where?
08:46Well, they are suppositories, so in his bottom.
08:48Mum?
08:49For a choke?
08:50No, to stop his headache.
08:52Bye, Petal.
08:57Well, that is not happening.
08:58Seriously, I don't care if you're dying, I'm going nowhere near your arsehole.
09:01No.
09:02Sure.
09:03Fair enough.
09:07Okay, so they've gone then.
09:09That's actually happened.
09:10Fine, come on then, Neil.
09:11Let's run through a few house rules.
09:12Nothing too crazy, just...
09:13Shotgun your mum's bed.
09:14Right.
09:17As Neil made himself very much at home, Jay had come up with a plan to put some distance between
09:21his sexual organs and the dog.
09:23He'd temporarily lose Benji, run home and do what he had to do, do what he had to do again,
09:28and once more if it wasn't too painful, then head out with some photocopied lost dog signs
09:33and a £20 reward.
09:35Unfortunately, Benji, a dog, was too smart for him.
09:39Fucking hell, Benji.
09:44Back at mine, I was fighting a losing battle to house train my new pet.
09:47Do you think there's much toast at home?
09:49Will, what's this pesto? Is it for humans?
09:51No, it's for extraterrestrials, that's why I keep it in the fridge.
09:54Of course it's for fucking humans.
09:55Can you have it on toast?
09:56Please use a plate.
09:57All right, guys?
09:59How did you get in?
10:00The front door was open.
10:01Neil, did you leave the front door open?
10:03Well, I'll go.
10:03I'll do some toast, Neil.
10:05All right.
10:06Sorry, is there a sign outside by the permanently open front door saying this way to the toast
10:10bar?
10:11Look, you're not even watching the TV.
10:13All right, calm down home alone.
10:15It's just false of habit.
10:16Why are you even here?
10:17I needed to get away from my place.
10:19The dog's driving me fucking mad.
10:20Because it stares at you while you masturbate.
10:22Exactly.
10:23How long have you had him now?
10:24About eight years.
10:25Has he always done it?
10:26No, of course he hasn't.
10:27I wasn't wanking a lot when I was ten, was I?
10:29I thought you got late when you was nine, with a fit babysitter.
10:33Well, yes, I did, Neil, and that was why I wasn't wanking so much.
10:36Something must have started him off.
10:37I think he might have chewed on the tissue under my bed and now he's got a taste for it.
10:41Jesus, that's some acquired taste.
10:43Dry Kleenex and you're ejaculate.
10:44Here you are, Jay.
10:46Cheers.
10:47Can you try a bit tidier, please?
10:49So what won't be tidy?
10:50Your mum's tits.
10:52I bet Fergus is covering him in spooge right now.
10:54Can we not talk about this?
10:55Chuck's a drink, Neil.
10:56No one is chucking anything.
10:58If you want a drink, then pour yourself a glass.
11:00The glasses are up there.
11:01God, it's like staying at the Ritz.
11:02Famous, of course, for it's no chucking drinks or toast policy.
11:05Well, there's no fucking glasses.
11:06Try the dishwasher.
11:09Oh, for God's sake!
11:11Right, we're going out.
11:13Out where?
11:13I don't care. Outside. Out of here.
11:15Fucking hell. I'll buy you a new glass if you're going to get so menstrual about it.
11:19It's not about the glass. You're like a plague of toast-eating locusts.
11:22Right, fine. We'll go out.
11:24Neil, I think it's time we took Will on a pussy patrol.
11:28So I was taken along on the pussy patrol and it was pretty much everything I dreamed it would be.
11:32Oh, bitch. Get out the way. Get out the way, bitch. Get out the way.
11:37Oh, bitch. Get out the way. Get out the way, bitch. Get out the way.
11:44This is the pussy patrol, is it? Driving your mum's car very slowly around the estate.
11:48Sometimes we go down to shops.
11:49Have you even got your licence?
11:51Provisional.
11:52So all the time you've been driving, it's been illegal?
11:54Great. It's fine. If we get stopped, we just say I'm giving him a lesson.
11:57But you're allowed to give lessons until you've been driving for three years.
11:59You just say disabled, then it's allowed.
12:02Who's disabled? You or him? One of us. You say it's a mental disablement.
12:06Yeah, I do a really good voice.
12:07Oh, well, I look forward to that, then.
12:10Watch that squirrel, Jay.
12:12Oh, shit, himself will jump out of the way. They always do.
12:18Ha! Hilarious! You just lost a game of chicken with a rodent.
12:21He's still there. He's mugging you off, mate.
12:23Yeah, we'll see who's the chicken.
12:31Oh, my God, he's jumped out of the way. He's made you look alright, Mug.
12:35Oh, fuck this. Right.
12:41Oh, God.
12:42Ha!
12:45Oh, no! Why did you do that?
12:47Not so clever now, is he? Now he's the fucking mug.
12:50I don't think he was trying to make you look a mug, Jay.
12:52Fucking little piss-taker.
12:53I'll get a spade, we'll bury him.
12:55Nah, fuck him!
13:02His eyes look sad.
13:04Great.
13:05So, so far in Jay and Neil's war against Mother Nature, the death tolls took 52 flowers and one piss
13:11-taking squirrel.
13:18With the blood of a defences animal on our hands, and on Jay's wheel arches, we headed back to mine.
13:24Right, where have you been?
13:25Jesus Christ, Simon, you scared the shit out of me. How'd you get in here?
13:28Back door's open.
13:29Neil!
13:30Oh, yeah, sorry.
13:31Mate, what the fuck are you wearing?
13:33It's a polo shirt and chinos.
13:35You look like my cousin when he went for a job interview.
13:37Oh, is he a golf pro?
13:38No, he's got Down syndrome.
13:40This is just what everyone wears for golf. Can I make some toast, Will?
13:42Pop one in for a sigh, I'm just gonna shit out of poo, yeah?
13:45Use the downstairs toilet.
13:46And open a window!
13:49Who's that?
13:51Hello, this is for Polly Milf Kenzie.
13:55If this was my dickish friend's way of taking my mind off what Fergus was doing to my mum, it
14:00wasn't working.
14:02Who ordered these?
14:03I know, I'm a genius. Your mum left her card details on a post-it on the laptop.
14:07That's for emergencies only!
14:08Well, it was an emergency. Your house is fucking boring. Now we can get totally wankered.
14:12No, I'm getting it refunded. I don't want to get wankered. I want everything to be the same as it
14:15was before she went away.
14:22What?
14:23Nothing. We haven't done anything, have we, Si?
14:25No. We haven't been anywhere near your Facebook page.
14:28Oh, for fuck's sake. What have you done?
14:31Oh, you've changed my profile pic to a fat naked man, and you've changed my status to Will is fingering
14:36his cat.
14:37Presumably you've changed the password too?
14:38Yep. Do you like the picture? I mean, the knob's a bit big, but other than that, it's definitely you.
14:42Seriously, you've got to tell me the password. What, my mum sees this?
14:45She won't.
14:46I don't think Fergus can get Facebook on the end of his cock.
14:48Look, if you don't tell me the password, I'm contacting the site administrator and reporting you.
14:52Oh, look outside. He's going to get the Facebook police on to us.
14:56Oh no, I don't want to get told off by the nerds who run Facebook.
14:59Please, I'm begging you.
15:00Okay, you can have the password if I can stay over.
15:03I thought it was boring here.
15:05Well, it is. But you don't have a dog, and I have certain needs to fulfil.
15:08Oh, Christ.
15:11Alright, you can fucking stay. Now, what's the password?
15:14I heart.
15:15I heart.
15:15My mum's vagina.
15:17Brilliant.
15:19And that's not even it!
15:20Jay!
15:21Briefcase wanker.
15:22Pricks.
15:25So, I've no longer fingering a cat, but now I can't return the lager. Thanks, Jay.
15:28You're welcome.
15:29Si?
15:29I can't read. I've got the tournament tomorrow.
15:31Oh, just one.
15:33Oh, fuck. I can probably have one, can't I?
15:34Toilet's blocked.
15:35What do you mean, toilet's blocked?
15:37It's blocked.
15:38So what you actually mean is, you've blocked the toilet?
15:41Maybe. I don't know. I'm not a plumber.
15:42Oh, I think I can smell it from here.
15:44Yeah, it was a bad one, to be honest.
15:46Like all the leftovers from Christmas dinner all in one go.
15:48Oh, God.
15:49So as you'd expect, not a clean break. And I ran out of toilet roll, so I had to use
15:53a wet towel.
15:54Jesus Christ. Well, I'm sorry, but from now on, all toilets are out of bounds to guests.
15:58Oh, what?
15:59Well, hang on. What if I need to go?
16:00Could use a garden.
16:01I'm not a dog, Neil.
16:03Okay, I'd assumed it was a given, but I'll make it clear now, just in case.
16:06No one is to shit in my back garden.
16:09That's it?
16:10What?
16:10I'll tell my dad that Benji did a shit in the house.
16:13Did he?
16:14Well, no, but if I say he did, we'll have to keep him outside.
16:16And then I can wank freely without him judging me.
16:19Your dad?
16:20The dog.
16:23I don't know what they had for Christmas dinner around Neil's house, but it smelled like turkey stuffed with rotten
16:28eggs and pedigree chum.
16:29Well, he's right. It's definitely blocked.
16:42What's going on?
16:43Watch this.
16:47What the fuck are you doing?
16:50This golf bat is perfect. It's exactly what we've been looking for.
16:56Oh, sorry. Was that not clear?
16:58Stop fucking vandalising my garden.
17:01Oh, come on, Will. I thought that at first, but have a go. It's fun.
17:04Not for me, it's not.
17:05They're only daffodils and fucking little show-offs.
17:07Oh, look at me. I'm out first. I'm all yellow.
17:10Have you gone mental?
17:11Just have a go. It's fun.
17:13They go miles.
17:14No.
17:15What are you going to do next? Tag up my bedroom?
17:17Piss through my letterbox?
17:18Can we?
17:19No.
17:20Right, come on. We're going out again.
17:22Come on.
17:24Babysitting these three was exhausting, so I did what all good babysitters do.
17:28Hit the drink and let them get on with it.
17:30Oh, Christ, I've got to sober up. What am I going to tell my dad?
17:32To leave your mum? She's a dog.
17:34Fuck off.
17:35Oh, yes. Nice.
17:37I thought we did all it easy the other night.
17:38No, they grow back every day, didn't they?
17:40Or the bloke has replanted them at some effort and cost.
17:43No, they're in pretty much the same place. They must have grown back.
17:46Someone's replanted them, Neil. I doubt it.
17:48They're flowers. They grow. That's what they do. That's why no one minds us smashing them up.
17:52You know a lot about gardening.
17:54Yeah, my dad used to shag dealer Smith, didn't he?
17:56Plus, this is public ground anyway, so we can do what we like.
17:59No, it isn't. This is someone's front garden.
18:01Where's the fence, then?
18:04Nice. This isn't right. You shouldn't be doing this.
18:07Oh, shut up for once.
18:09No one cares, Will. Everyone does it. By the way, they definitely don't.
18:12In your whole life, have you ever just done something because it was a fucking laugh?
18:18Look at you. Hanging around the estate, drinking, smashing up people's gardens.
18:23You're just a teenage pregnancy away from an Asbo.
18:25Oh, sorry, neighbourhood watch.
18:29Oh, come on, Will. It is a laugh. What would my mum say if she found out I was involved?
18:33I know what she's saying at the moment.
18:34Do you?
18:35Yep.
18:36Oh, Fergus. Oh, Fergus. Fuck me ardour. In the mouth. Now, quickly, get it in my arse, Fergus.
18:43Fine. Give it here, then.
18:47By Jake. Dick Baldo.
18:51See?
18:51To be fair, that was brilliant.
18:53My go.
18:54No, one more.
18:58Oi! Stay there! I'm calling the police!
19:01Run!
19:02Fuck off, you fat old shit!
19:04Well, that's not helping.
19:05So I had become what I hated, but thanks to the beauty of alcohol, I couldn't care less.
19:12Here, what do you reckon this one'll do to a daffodil then, Si?
19:14I reckon it'll smash the fuck out of it, Neil.
19:17Nice.
19:17I might have to borrow it and head over to that bloke's place when the flowers are grown back.
19:21Oh, come on, Neil. Give the fat old shit one day off.
19:24Yeah, or he'll call the police.
19:26Ha! That was amazing, wasn't it?
19:27I mean, did you think for one second that would scare me?
19:30Fucking daff-loving idiot.
19:31Yes! Found it!
19:33Will's mum's vibrator.
19:35That's a rolling pin.
19:36Oh, I've still got the smell.
19:38It's a rolling pin.
19:39Right.
19:39I've got some unfinished business to attend to.
19:42Business pulling my cock with no dogs around.
19:44Not in my mum's bed.
19:45No, of course not.
19:47But that's something.
19:47No, Neil's gonna be wanking in there.
19:49Yeah. Found these in the wash basket.
19:51Oh, yes, they still got that lovely arse-y smell.
19:54Game of Pro Evo and Shots for the Loser?
19:55How about your golf?
19:56Oh, I'm a natural. Everyone says it.
19:58A couple more drinks won't make any difference.
19:59Ah, the drink driver's charter. Cheers!
20:08The next morning, we were woken by a terrible banging.
20:11Either Jay was having the most aggressive wank ever,
20:13or something even more worrying was happening.
20:18What's that?
20:19Oh, fucking hell, my head is kidding me.
20:23What's that noise?
20:25I think there's someone at the front door.
20:27It's a bit early, isn't it?
20:28It's not that early.
20:29What?
20:31Oh, shit!
20:32It's past nine o'clock.
20:33I should've been at golf an hour ago.
20:35I wouldn't leave just yet.
20:36What do you mean?
20:36I'm already late.
20:38Well, shall we find out who's trying to smash the door down
20:39before you head outside?
20:42Oh, fuck.
20:44Who is it?
20:44It's the bloke whose garden we destroyed.
20:47What, the fat old shit?
20:48Yes, except he's not fat.
20:49He looks fucking hard.
20:50I've got to get to golf.
20:51I've got seven missed calls.
20:52My dad's gonna go mental.
20:53Fuck!
20:54Hide!
21:01Has he gone?
21:02Oh, shit.
21:03He's gonna try the back door.
21:04So?
21:05What if Neil's left it open again?
21:06Oh, shit!
21:13Morning.
21:14Neil, back door!
21:15I locked it.
21:16Neil, get down!
21:18What?
21:19Oi!
21:23Yep, that should've fooled him.
21:24He looks well angry.
21:25Shit, another missed call from my dad.
21:27What are we gonna do?
21:28I know you're in there!
21:29Let's go back in the living room.
21:30How's that gonna help?
21:31I just farted in here.
21:34Oh, God!
21:35Neil, I'm in his wake.
21:36It's like you're carrying it in your pants.
21:38What the fuck's all the noise?
21:39We're under attack from the daffodil bloke.
21:41What?
21:41He's basically correct.
21:42We're being threatened.
21:43Come out here like a man!
21:44Does he know I'm here?
21:45I don't see how he could.
21:46Good.
21:47I'm going back to bed, then.
21:49Hee hee!
21:50I heard a banging.
21:52Fucking Mrs Sprint!
21:55I know you're in there!
21:56I saw your mate!
21:57Come on, do some vandalism now, then!
21:59See?
22:00I told you it was vandalism.
22:01Oh, my God.
22:01My dad is gonna kill me.
22:02I think this guy might kill you first.
22:04I know your mum!
22:05Shit, he knows your mum!
22:06Everyone knows your mum.
22:07Not now, Neil.
22:08I know you're in there!
22:09I can see your feet!
22:11Neil!
22:11I was getting cramped.
22:12Please, Will.
22:13Will you say something to him?
22:14See if he'll just let me out.
22:15Are you insane?
22:16Listen to him.
22:17Please, mate.
22:17For my dad.
22:18This golfing is massive for him.
22:20Go on, Will.
22:20What's the worst he could do?
22:21Hit me really hard.
22:22He won't do that.
22:23He won't.
22:24Please, mate.
22:24There's an old lady with a broken nose out of here!
22:27God.
22:28Fine!
22:30Now, sir.
22:31Come out here, you coward!
22:32I think we should all take a breath.
22:34Try and calm down.
22:35You're telling me to calm down?
22:37Calm down?
22:38I'll smash the shit out of your garden
22:40and see how you like it!
22:41Okay.
22:41I've got a really bad hangover,
22:43so if you aren't willing to have a sensible conversation,
22:45I'm just gonna shut the curtains.
22:47Are you taking the moral fucking high ground?
22:49Is that what you're doing?
22:50Okay.
22:50As I say, I'm gonna close these now.
22:52You think that's gonna stop me?
22:53I'm closing them now.
22:54You think I give a fuck?
22:55About to close.
22:56Closing.
22:57Closing.
22:58Closing.
22:58Closing.
22:59But I want to deal with you meself!
23:00And they're closed.
23:01He's gone.
23:03Nice.
23:03That's your solution.
23:04Do you have a better one?
23:05Oh, God.
23:06Oh, God.
23:06My dad is never, ever gonna forgive me.
23:08Anyone want any toast?
23:10Um...
23:11Yeah, alright.
23:13You alright, mate?
23:14What's up?
23:16I just got a text from my dad.
23:19He's had Benji put down.
23:21He said once they start shitting indoors,
23:23it's basically the end anyway.
23:24Kindest thing to do.
23:27What have I done?
23:30I'll never wank again!
23:33Come on, mate.
23:34You will.
23:37That'll put me in police.
23:41Oh, shit.
23:43Is it then?
23:43It's worse than that.
23:45It's my mum.
23:47It had been an interesting few days.
23:49I'd squashed my first squirrel,
23:50found out that I had a beak,
23:52and seen evidence that Jay and Neil
23:54were surprisingly creative.
23:56The only good news was that,
23:57having spent the weekend
23:58being fucked by a ginger stranger,
24:00my mum was dumped immediately,
24:01because, and I quote,
24:02he couldn't be dealing with a problem child.
24:04Oh!
24:05Fucking Mrs Sprint!
24:06I'm ever so cold
24:08It's all I get told
24:09I'm ever so cold
24:13You're ever so shy
24:14You keep it inside
24:16It's more than just lies
24:19You're ever so cool
24:20And I'll be your fool
24:22If you left me
24:25I'm ever so shy
24:27You're ever so shy
24:28We're ever so shy
24:31What?
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