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'Apocalypse'
#tv #comedy #entertainment
#tv #comedy #entertainment
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TVTranscript
00:05You
00:50is it dead yeah right should we fry it or poach it
00:57I don't really care as long as I get the head right this is definitely the only food in the
01:02house
01:02that's right the rest is hidden in the cistern right so we bring her in we sit her down and
01:06she sees that we're so poor that we've had to kill Elvis just to give us something for a tea
01:11yeah she's very fond of animals Eddie that's why it's so important that you're here right
01:15now and if that doesn't break her heart then this will no Eddie no oh come on Richie let's
01:21just rumble the old bird but we've got gas bills we've got electric bills we've got poll tax we've
01:25got rent our only chance is to get auntie Olga to write us a big fat check well that reminds
01:30me
01:30I'd better get her to bring all her check books daft old cowboy a bunch of bananas last time
01:36spread those bills around strategically so she sees one wherever she sits
01:40hello operator yeah I'd like to make a reverse charges call please little piddle 338
01:48Eddie you know what you've got to say when she gets here
01:50yep uh give us some money you old bag no give us some money you old witch no old bastard
01:58no get no
02:01you say I am a sad orphan right I am a sad orphan give us some money you old bag
02:09no you
02:10no no hello operator not you haha yeah well tell them it's Richard Richard yes Eddie Eddie sprinkle
02:18some water about the place make it look like we've been crying a lot what do you mean they won't
02:22accept the charges bastards I'm gonna have to dial direct what's this annual membership to Barbarella's
02:31aerobic fitness center nothing to do with me got Richard Richard written on it oh leotard well Eddie
02:43none of us are getting any younger I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up but you uh
02:48you
02:49stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and firm up that's
02:54right I
02:56bet you do listen you big fat oh hello auntie it's Ricky Dickie Davey kissy kissy kissy hug hug hug
03:04no it's
03:05you Mrs. Higginbottom you sad old fart go and get my auntie what do you mean no you're still a
03:11servant
03:11aren't you do what you're bloody told get that Zimmer cracking shut up shut up I still remember what I
03:17saw
03:18when I was four yeah you the chauffeur the bucket of fish yeah so go and get her I don't
03:27care if she's
03:27dead just come and get my aunt is dead when did it happen last night hmm so they haven't read
03:38the will
03:38yet well look in the desk well search the body then and hands off those gold teeth I've got first
03:45dibs on
03:46them I'm a sad orphan get your gold teeth you old bitch this is a very difficult time for me
03:53have you
03:54you got it great what does it say fantastic get the little duckling get the little duckling
04:10that's right blaze away Eddie blaze away we deserve a little celebration auntie Olga is dead at last
04:19600 smackers to do whatever we like with 300 pounds right here and 300 more safe and sound on top
04:25of the
04:25bathroom cabinet where no one will ever find it right well I'll have another hundred bullets then please
04:31mate hold it that's 45 quid you owe me so far ah I haven't got any money I'll get the
04:4145 quid oh I
04:43love you Romany types of your legendary campfire hospitality and your quaint insistence on settling
04:48bills immediately and thieving bastard yobbos someone swipe my wallet yeah like this story come on I want
04:57my 45 quid did you not hear what I just said I have just lost 300 pounds yet I won't
05:02be surprising
05:02it's you that nicked it you swarthy thieving nomad yeah either you are one of your slippery deformed
05:08half-brothers yes yes I know what you get up to when the lights go out extended family just another
05:15word for a sexual free-for-all well you are not in Romania now buster and I'm gonna go and
05:20get a
05:20British policeman what are you doing you are going nowhere till I get my 45 quid Eddie help
05:29um why don't you give me another crack at the 50 quid star prize and we'll call it double on
05:35quits
05:35yeah all right good luck Eddie excuse me mate yeah
06:05oh 300 quid bastard vagabonds
06:11cross my palm with silver oh my god there's another one
06:17cross my palm with silver no I will not you and you all have had more than enough of me
06:21today thank
06:21you very much then you must leave the tent nothing would be of me a greater pleasure
06:26how's it look Eddie well on a scale of one to ten I'd say it's bicycle clip time
06:33all right then you old battle axe you may read me my fortune
06:37first you must cross my palm with silver look I can't cross your palm with silver I've just done
06:42my wallet nicked you're a fortune teller you should know that cross my palm with silver but I've only
06:47got five p left that's not enough give me strength well look can't you crisscross it about the place a
06:52bit
06:52it's nothing no well just give me five pence worth then we know you get it all from the evening
06:57standard anyway
06:58for five p your future's gonna look pretty bleep mate
07:03have you got a license for what you do I bet you haven't have you I think either you give
07:07me a free fortune telling or I'll phone the police and tell them
07:10yeah and they'll deport you back to umma gummer land or wherever it is you come from
07:12you'll eke out the rest of your days making little elephants from bits of dried banana
07:16yes I have got a license unlike you
07:21your driving license is a fake
07:24how do you know that
07:26Eddie
07:27maybe your crone's got something
07:29yeah
07:30looks like dropsy
07:32at least
07:33my license doesn't say Martin Andrews crossed out
07:37and Sir Richard Richard BC crudely written over the top of the plastic in biro
07:44how do you know these things
07:45I see
07:48everything
07:51what else do you see
07:52I see
07:53I see a naughty nudie picture of a little lady
07:58with Julia Somerville's face plastered on top of it
08:03bloody hell Eddie
08:04that's my secret love picture that nobody knows about
08:08she's a genius
08:08yeah
08:09hey
08:10ask if she can see a picture of Julia Somerville with her own body all you need
08:14shut up Eddie
08:15and whether we can get a copy of it would be worth a fortune
08:18I think the crone might be worth a fortune
08:20tell me more old bag
08:23I cannot tell you more without more money
08:27well I haven't got any more money
08:28well give me your watch
08:30oh alright
08:31here you are
08:39before the moon rises three times
08:43yes
08:44yes
08:45you're gonna die
08:46oh I'm gonna
08:47what
08:47you are going to die
08:50no
08:50no
08:51the power is fading
08:53here let me have a look
08:54the ore is dimming
08:56god what a swizz
08:57well what do you expect for 5p
09:00come on watch
09:01it's broken
09:02she's a genius
09:05come on come on
09:06out of the way
09:07out of the way
09:07out of the way
09:09look are you terminal
09:13come on
09:13come on
09:15I want to see a doctor
09:16do you have an appointment
09:17of course I have an appointment
09:18what's your name
09:19er
09:21Williams
09:21oh
09:22Mr. Williams
09:23goodness gracious
09:25you are looking well
09:26well you know
09:26I like to put a brave face on it
09:27one doesn't like to wallow in these things
09:29yes and you've grown two new legs
09:31yeah they're great
09:33no no not Williams
09:34that other name that sounds like Williams
09:36er
09:36there it is
09:37Henderson
09:39I always get those ones mixed up
09:41that's even more remarkable
09:42Mr. Henderson
09:43you died at 6 o'clock this morning
09:45changed sex
09:48alright Poirot
09:48so I haven't got an appointment
09:50why didn't you make an appointment
09:51because I didn't know
09:52I was going to be ill
09:53I'm sorry sir
09:54but unless it's an emergency
09:55it is it is
09:55it's an emergency
09:56why what's the matter
09:57I've only got 3 days to live
09:58why what's wrong with you
09:59I don't know
10:00well how do you feel
10:01I feel great
10:02look
10:02there's some genuinely sick people in here
10:04who need attention
10:05yeah I think you're one of them
10:06missus
10:07we'll see you in a week next Friday
10:09so this is it is it
10:11this is the land fit for heroes
10:13I hurt my leg in the Falklands conflict
10:15for this did I
10:16did it
10:16oh yeah
10:18he tripped over the coffee table
10:19trying to switch channels
10:20well it's just
10:21I pay my taxes
10:23well
10:24well anyway
10:24that's not important
10:26I demand to see your doctor
10:27right now
10:28what's the matter
10:29if they all ran the back
10:29flogging off the morphine
10:30look
10:31I've got a dying woman in here
10:33will you shut up
10:34and get out
10:35you look perfectly well to me
10:36perfectly well
10:37look buster
10:38if I'd wanted a transvestite opinion
10:40I would have gone to the whiskey a go-go
10:41I'm here to see a doctor
10:43do you mind
10:44I'm Sir Roger Cobbomoby
10:46the world famous heart surgeon
10:47this is my hospital
10:48now then
10:50you look perfectly well to me
10:51shut up and get out
10:54oh thank god
10:58sorry I didn't recognise you there doc
11:00sorry
11:03you've got bad eyesight you see
11:04it was a Falklands war wound
11:06sorry about that
11:06anyway thanks again mate
11:13well look is there anything I can do to help
11:15I mean
11:15I owe you one now
11:16anything you want
11:17just name it
11:17you want spare parts
11:18look
11:19I've got Eddie right here
11:21anything I can do to help
11:22you just name it mate
11:23I want you to stop talking
11:25and leave this hospital
11:26you've got it
11:26we're out of here
11:27come on Eddie
11:28you heard the man
11:31hey come on
11:31come on
11:34sorry I'm sorry
11:35look come on
11:35I know the NHS
11:37have a quid
11:38go on
11:38oh I haven't got any money
11:39well I'll owe it to you
11:40alright
11:41thanks again mate
11:44and thanks for you too dear
11:46should she really be that colour
11:47get out
11:49right well
11:50there we are Eddie
11:51see you all later
11:54thanks dear
11:55you're doing a great job
11:56oh sorry
12:00there you are Eddie
12:00clean bill of health
12:02see I knew the old crone was insane
12:04oh great
12:04let's work it again
12:07oh it's so good to be alive
12:10after you old timer
12:17oh my god
12:20that's terrible
12:22that could have been me
12:26that's it Eddie
12:27that's what she meant
12:29of course I'm not here to look at me
12:30I'm the picture of health
12:31an accident
12:32that's how it's going to happen
12:33the question is
12:35how
12:45you sure you don't want your sausage yet
12:48no I do not
12:49I'm not taking any chances
12:51okie dokie matey
12:55what was that apocalyptic clonk
12:58well I didn't see anything
13:00relax old chum
13:01I'm on guard remember
13:06must be hallucinating
13:10three days now
13:11with no food or water
13:14still
13:14I'm safe under the sofa
13:17I've only got to make it
13:18until the moon comes up tonight
13:20and then I'll have something
13:21to eat all right
13:22there's a couple of
13:23Taiwanese ranch style
13:24jumbo fish burgers
13:25in the freezer
13:26that have got my name on them
13:28now you've had them
13:29no I haven't
13:30yeah you had them for lunch
13:31remember
13:32I haven't had anything to eat
13:33for the last three days
13:34well no
13:35so you didn't eat them
13:36I ate them for you
13:38you made me test them
13:40for poison remember
13:41I've been testing everything
13:42I'm bloody knackered I am
13:45you're lucky to have
13:46such a good mate
13:46I've tested all that
13:48Indian takeaway
13:49those three pizzas
13:50bottle of scotch
13:51I had to test all of that
13:54totally tested out
13:55the drinks cabinet
13:56things got so bad
13:57I had to test up
13:57box of liqueurred chocolates
13:58we've been saving
13:59for our anniversary
14:01well I'm starving I am
14:03has the moon come up yet
14:04Eddie
14:05I can't see from you
14:07well go and have a look
14:08you go and have a look
14:10I can't go near the window
14:11you know that
14:12I might fall out
14:14or the window might fall in
14:15well I can't go
14:16they might think I'm
14:17Sean Connery
14:21you don't look a bit
14:22like Sean Connery
14:23hello
14:25my name's James Bond
14:28not a lot of people
14:29know that
14:31I don't know
14:31maybe death would be
14:32a blessed release
14:34Zulu's
14:34thousands of them
14:37wait till you see
14:38the whites of your eyes
14:39lads
14:40they would have won
14:41if they kept their eyes
14:42closed
14:45not a lot of people
14:46know that
14:46Eddie
14:46Eddie
14:48Eddie
14:48what
14:48here's 5p
14:50shut up
14:51and go and see
14:51if the moon's come up
14:53that's two things
14:56here you are
15:00swindler
15:01well what does it look like
15:03well it's also hard to tell
15:05it's not so glum and cloudy
15:07you know
15:07like it normally is
15:09hard to tell whether it's day or night
15:11shall I switch to tell you
15:12I want to see if it's evening yet
15:13yes go on old sport
15:18thank you
15:19well it could be any time really
15:25oh blast that vicious old gypsy slag wagon
15:29I've been stuck underneath this sofa for three whole days now
15:32and absolutely nothing's happened
15:34well I'm fed up with it
15:35I'm going to the lavvy once and for all
15:39I'm not scared of any silly mumbo jumbo
15:41if it's coming it's coming
15:42I'm not scared
15:43I'm going to stare fate right in the face
15:45oh
15:46oh god
15:48it's true
15:49it's true
15:50did you see that Eddie
15:53you see
15:54it could come from anywhere
15:56should the ceiling be sagging like that
15:58what is that
15:58what have you got up there
15:59that's my piano
16:00in the middle of the room
16:02yeah
16:03well that's dangerous
16:03that shouldn't be up there
16:04go up there and shift it
16:05it'll cost you
16:06all right
16:08there's a 20p bit inside a polythene bag
16:10sellotape to the bottom of the system
16:11right here
16:14hurry up
16:15running all the way
16:21oh lord
16:25you won't know me
16:27but my name's Richard Richard
16:29and you won't know me because I've led such a quiet and blameless life
16:33well apart from that incident with the oven ready chicken
16:37I have already apologised about that
16:38I don't know if you remember but I did
16:41anyway look the thing is we haven't got much time
16:42I was wondering if I could do a little deal with you
16:46you see because I don't deserve any of this at all
16:49but I know somebody who does
16:53Eddie that chap who just went out
16:58because he's a foul pervert and a dole stranger
17:01look just stop piddling around and move it will you
17:04you bastard
17:06no no not you sir
17:08our lord
17:10I was talking to Eddie the evil one
17:14the thing is if you could see your way clear
17:16to murdering him horribly instead of me
17:19then I promise and I mean it
17:20look I haven't got my fingers crossed or anything
17:23I promise that I'll go to church for the rest of my life
17:27you do still do that thing with the wine and the biscuits don't you
17:30great thank you for your time
17:32oh one other thing lord
17:35if you're if you're still there
17:37seeing as how I'm going to live
17:39it's about girls
17:41I was
17:42shut up Eddie
17:43I was wondering if I could just have a few more
17:46will you shut up Eddie
17:47well just one once
17:48I mean
17:49right that's it
17:52Edward Hitler
17:53come down here at once
18:04it's you
18:06well who'd you expect it to be
18:08you're the one
18:10you're the one who said
18:10let's go to the fair
18:12you're the one who shot the thug in the eye
18:14you're the one who said
18:15let's hide in the gypsy's tent
18:16where I got the curse
18:17and then
18:19on the third night
18:20just before the moon rose
18:21you drop a piano on my head
18:22you bastard
18:24you're after auntie Olga's 300 quid aren't you
18:26well I've got news for you buster
18:28you're out of here
18:32your history
18:34how could you treat a friend so badly
18:35I'd never do anything like that
18:37now go on get out of here before I set the dogs on you
18:40we haven't got any dogs
18:42yes I know we haven't
18:43it was a figure
18:55and good riddance
18:58my poker
19:04safe at last
19:06I think I'll just pop into bed with my hottie body
19:21where's my bedside book
19:23here we are
19:24war and peace
19:26we've been at it a few years now
19:27haven't we old mate
19:29where was I
19:30ah yes
19:31chapter one sentence three
19:39here we go again
19:41where's the dictionary
19:44I'll never find out who did it at this rate
19:46I'll be lucky enough to find out what it was they did
19:50oh that's enough reading for one night
19:54tired
19:56good for the soul though
19:57a bit of reading
19:57no doubt about that
19:59oh I'm all relaxed now
20:02that's nice
20:04do you know I think I might
20:05no I'll just go to sleep
20:15nighty night world
20:16god bless me
20:17see you in the morning
20:19not too early
20:21wonder whatever happened to my mum
20:23oh well
20:24hey ho
20:40it's bloody eddie
20:42it's bloody eddie sneaking in to get me when I switch the lights out
20:45I've got a surprise for him
20:47there's my cricket bat
20:57come in
20:59how are you
21:07how are you
21:10how have you come for
21:19oh my god
21:20the moon's up
21:22oh my god
21:23she was right
21:23she was right
21:24oh my god
21:25Jesus H Corbett
21:27I mean Christ
21:29this can't be happening to me
21:31no come on come on
21:32let's be English about this
21:33excuse me
21:34this is a private hatch
21:35if you don't clear off my property immediately
21:37I shall be forced to call the police
21:45okay point taken
21:47so this is it
21:50I haven't got time
21:51I'm not ready
21:51have I got time to change
21:53I can't really go up there in my jimmy jams
21:55can I
21:56what would some peep think
21:58they do call in some peep don't they
21:59first impressions are terribly important
22:00unless
22:04which way am I going
22:27what about chess
22:29what about it
22:32why don't we play a game of chess
22:35um because I don't know the rules
22:38that's all right
22:39I'll teach you the rules
22:40no you won't need rules where you're going mate
22:43you'll need asbestos underpants
22:45for sure go downstairs me old cocker
22:49oh the moans
22:50oh the screams
22:51oh the countless billions thrown naked into the pit
22:55oh
22:56naked
23:02what about Cluedo
23:04no they tried it once mate
23:07but all the pieces caught fire
23:08no no no I mean
23:09why don't we pay Cluedo for my life
23:11because you always cheat
23:13you always look at the mystery cards
23:16how do you know these things
23:18I'm death
23:20sorry
23:20how do you know these things
23:22no I'm death
23:25I'm death
23:26oh if only Eddie were here
23:28yeah
23:29Eddie was pretty great at everything
23:32wasn't he
23:33well you wouldn't have come in if he was here mate
23:35and the pong would have sent you round the twist
23:36right that's it mate
23:37no time's up
23:38time to get out
23:39I'm not trying to catch you
23:40no no no please
23:41please
23:42give me one more chance
23:45I spy
23:51okay
23:52okay
23:53and if I win
23:54I get to live
23:55okay
23:56okie dokie matey
23:57pardon
23:58I mean all right
24:03it's not possible
24:05okay
24:05I spy it is
24:06oh god this is important
24:08I better make it a goodie
24:11okay
24:11coming
24:12ready or not
24:14I spy with my little eye
24:16something beginning with S
24:19submarine
24:20no
24:21it was scythe
24:22haha
24:23oh I win
24:24I get to live
24:24thank you baby Jesus
24:25thank you all the baby Jesuses
24:27hang on hang on hang on hang on
24:29scythe doesn't begin with an S
24:30yes it does
24:31bloody doesn't
24:32it's a C
24:33is it not
24:34it is
24:34get a dictionary
24:35alright I've got one here
24:36here
24:37scythe
24:39scythe
24:40scythe
24:41there you are
24:41scythe
24:42s-c-y-t-h-e
24:45that's zither
24:47it's scythe
24:48it's inside there
24:49it's in the dictionary
24:50Jesus rate there
24:51yes
24:53alright then
24:54mortal
24:54I can see you're eager
24:56to keep your life
24:57how's about
24:58I offer you
25:00a straight deal
25:01a deal
25:02sure
25:02no problem
25:03great
25:04how much money have you got in the house
25:07oh none
25:09what about the 300 quid on top of the bathroom cabinet
25:12how do you know about that
25:14god I keep telling you mate on death I know everything
25:17everything
25:18what even about the
25:19especially that
25:22okay I'll get the money just don't tell anybody
25:26you wait right here
25:28wow
25:39here we are
25:40so I give you 300
25:41and I get to keep my life
25:43okay
25:44not quite
25:45no
25:45the full deal is this
25:47I get to keep the 300 pounds
25:49and your fantastic mate
25:51Eddie
25:52gets to live here rent free
25:54for the rest of his life
25:56okay it's a deal
25:58and while I'm at it
25:59I'll have that secret copy of girly world
26:01you keep hidden under your mattress
26:05or you'll burn in the fires of hell
26:09alright
26:11bye
26:12is that everything now
26:13that's it mate
26:14cheerio
26:16300 quid on the copy of girly world
26:27oh blimey
26:28I think I'm breaking my stealth
26:29Edward Livers you total bastard
26:32how do you know about my secret copy of girly world
26:34right that's it
26:35you're going to get a knuckles sandwich
26:37and I don't mean a sandwich with some knuckles in it
26:39well I do actually
26:40well no I don't really
26:41well you're going to get a smashing of chops
26:43and no questions answered anyway
26:48well who on earth can that be
26:49at this time of night
26:51well I'm not expecting anyone
26:54maybe it's the real death
26:55hey now that'll be a turn up
27:00oh blimey blimey
27:01Eddie you fight him to the death
27:03and I'll slip down the fire escape
27:05too late
27:06Sir Richard Richard Esquire
27:08that's him
27:11I've got your wallet
27:12oh that'll be me then
27:14how very honest of you
27:15do you know I have always said
27:17that you Romany types
27:18were as generous as the day
27:19well the credit cards have expired
27:21and the driving license is a forgery
27:24and apart from the nudie collage
27:26of Julia Somerville
27:27it's a very nice to me
27:29rather like my eye
27:30so that's how she knew all those things
27:33now
27:34how much money have you got in the house
27:36none
27:38well what about that 300 pounds
27:39I've heard about
27:40that you've got safely ensconced
27:42on top of the bathroom cabinet
27:45it's not there anymore
27:46well I'll just have to have this
27:47there won't I
27:48I should just about cover
27:49the 300 pounds
27:50they told me in Harley Street
27:51it would cost to get my eye fixed
27:53yeah
27:53while I'm here
27:54I think I'll have that copy
27:55of Girlie World and all
27:56very wise choice sir
27:58oh one more thing
27:59yeah
28:00well seeing as you're here
28:02we'd like to kick Eddie
28:03in the bollocks
28:04don't mind if I do
28:05thank you very much
28:06see my guest
28:52thank you very much
29:05thank you very much
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