'Camping Trip' Whilst Neil worries that he has got the girl from the cheese counter at ASDA pregnant, Simon is upset that his family must move to Swansea for his father's work. #comedy #tv #series
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00:20For a man with an internet history as exotic as Simon's,
00:23emergency family meetings were never good news.
00:26We've been waiting for you, Simon.
00:28Sorry, I was busy. I have a life too, you know.
00:29And what's so important when you have to have a meeting,
00:31like a businessman or something?
00:33Well, I don't really know where to start.
00:35My company are making a lot of people redundant.
00:37I've managed to keep my job, but it means moving to Swansea.
00:40Where's that? Is it far?
00:41It's in Wales. You must have heard of Swansea, Simon.
00:44I haven't, and I'm not moving to fucking Wales.
00:47Hey, mind your language.
00:47Simon, I know it's a lot to take in, but please try and stay calm.
00:51It's been an incredibly tough decision for us to make.
00:53I mean, I would have been out of a job.
00:55Oh, it's all about you, isn't it? What about me?
00:57What about my friends? My other relationships?
01:00You're what?
01:01And my exams?
01:02I mean, one minute you're all like, revise, revise, revise,
01:05the next you're moving me to Swansea.
01:06We've spoken to the examination board,
01:08and you'll be able to sit the same exams in Swansea.
01:10You'll just do them at a local college.
01:12I'm not going.
01:13How's that set your fucking plans?
01:15I'll get a flat with Jay.
01:17I'm 18, you can't stop me.
01:18Me and Jay will get a flat, and Andrew can come live with us.
01:21No, thanks.
01:22Boys, I promise I'll make this work for us all.
01:26I love you both so much.
01:29Oh, that's all right, then.
01:31Well done!
01:34Brilliant.
01:35You've effectively ended my life.
01:37In fact, why not go the whole hog and just shoot me?
01:39Or, better still, have me taken to the vets and secretly put down,
01:41just like you did with Patch?
01:43But after he'd slept on it, Simon was even more unreasonable.
01:47He's a total selfish wanker.
01:49I don't understand why he doesn't just get another job.
01:51It's not like he's even well paid.
01:52He's in his fucking forties.
01:54His life is practically over.
01:55What is Swansea?
01:56Is it an animal?
01:57It's a place.
01:58You don't sound near.
01:59It's in Wales.
02:00Oh, mate, they say it's well grim up north.
02:02Yes, they do, but Wales isn't up north, Jay.
02:05Wherever it is, Michael fucking Palin, it's not round here, is it?
02:07No.
02:08But on the plus side, I've heard Swansea's quite nice.
02:10Really?
02:10Who from?
02:11A friend of my gran's.
02:12Right, is that supposed to make me feel better?
02:13That's all I've got, I'm afraid.
02:15That's pretty much it for me and Carly, then.
02:17Oh, I don't know.
02:18Maybe you can still not have a relationship long distance.
02:20Yeah, good one.
02:21So, can we have a crack at her, then?
02:22No.
02:23Oh, go on, don't be a dick.
02:24I'd love to have a go on that.
02:25Think about that lovely snatch.
02:26Fuck off, Neil!
02:27Just fuck off!
02:28I'm having a nightmare here!
02:29All right, calm down.
02:30You're not the only one having problems.
02:32Really?
02:32What problems do you have, Neil?
02:33Bent old man, wants to fuck home sister, mum did a legger.
02:36No, none of them.
02:37I think I'm going to be a dad.
02:38Neil, you have to fuck a girl for that to happen.
02:40I know, I did it with this bird from Asda, and now she's pregnant.
02:45Congratulations.
02:46Are you serious?
02:47No fucking way.
02:49So, you're not a virgin anymore?
02:51Don't think so.
02:52Nice one, mate.
02:53I knew you'd lose your V-plates for all these sad pricks.
02:55Welcome to the Shaggers Club.
02:56Where only 50% of the members have had sex.
02:59Let's back up 30 seconds.
03:00This is very serious.
03:02I have a couple of questions, Neil.
03:03Yeah?
03:04Well, what does it feel like?
03:07Zite?
03:08All right.
03:09Anything else?
03:09No one's expecting D.H. Lawrence, Neil.
03:11But did you think anything other than, this is all right?
03:14My legs ached.
03:15I give up.
03:16This is a big deal.
03:17How did it happen?
03:18Well, we was both on a cheese counter, and she was being, like, well saucy and that.
03:21And then we went back to hers in our lunch break and did it, and now she's pregnant.
03:24How romantic.
03:25Are you sure she's pregnant?
03:26Yeah, she texted me.
03:27Look.
03:28Did the test.
03:29It's positive.
03:30Thought you should know.
03:31Two dots and a diagonal line.
03:32Worried smiley.
03:34Dear God.
03:34Why didn't you use protection?
03:36Well, she told me she couldn't have any more kids.
03:38Any more?
03:39Jesus Christ.
03:40How old is she, Neil?
03:41I don't know.
03:41Pretty old.
03:42And have you told anyone else about this?
03:44No.
03:44I mean, I can't really talk to my dad, can I?
03:46What?
03:46Because he's never seen a woman's fanny?
03:48Shut up.
03:48He's seen my mum's.
03:49Well, they don't count.
03:50Everyone's seen your mum's.
03:51Fuck off.
03:52Until she ran off.
03:53I think you need to talk to Gilbert about this.
03:54For all his flaws, he's not a bad bloke.
03:56And his role as head of sixth is pastoral as well as tutorial.
03:58He's what?
03:59It's his job.
04:00Then I pushed it in a bit, then out a bit, then in a bit,
04:03then my legs ate, then out again, then back in,
04:06and then it went off, and now she's pregnant.
04:08Okay.
04:09I think I get the picture, Sutherland.
04:10Cool.
04:11Look, isn't this exactly the sort of thing
04:14that Twitter or MySpace were invented for?
04:16No, sir.
04:17I was thinking about writing to the Daily Stars problem page,
04:19you know, the one with the photos,
04:20but it takes a week to find out the advice.
04:22Okay.
04:22And this encounter.
04:24Did it take place on the school premises
04:26or with a fellow pupil?
04:27No.
04:28Good.
04:30What?
04:32What I think you should do is turn round,
04:35get out of my office,
04:36and we'll pretend this conversation never happened.
04:38All right.
04:39Cheers for that.
04:42But, sir, what about your duty of care?
04:44Listen, Mackenzie, the Sutherland's managed to pass his genes on.
04:47It may be a looming disaster for mankind,
04:48but it is not my mess to clean up.
04:50But what about the oath?
04:53Sorry to disappoint, Mackenzie.
04:55Sorry to disappoint, Mackenzie.
04:55Teachers don't start each day by swearing allegiance to the education fairies
04:59under a photo of the Queen.
05:01It's not so much a calling these days as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious.
05:07Between you and me,
05:08the only reason anyone teaches these days
05:11is because they've taken a more relaxed view on police checks in recent years.
05:16Goodbye, Mackenzie.
05:17They say the art of teaching is aid in discovery,
05:20and Mr Gilbert had helped me discover that he was a wanker.
05:23I've got two minutes.
05:24Simon.
05:25God, my mum just told me about you moving away.
05:27Oh, yeah.
05:27It's basically the end of my life.
05:29It's so weird.
05:29I can't imagine us being that far apart.
05:32Hmm.
05:32We're going to miss the bus.
05:34Anyway, I've got to go.
05:35I'll see you soon.
05:36No, I'll come with you.
05:37I'm just waiting for my change.
05:38It's eight pounds.
05:39Where's my change?
05:40Manners.
05:41I'll see you.
05:43I suppose I just always thought that we might...
05:47You know, we might...
05:49We have to go.
05:50I've got to go.
05:51I'm sorry.
05:52I'll see you soon, Simon.
05:53What?
05:54We might what?
05:55Say it.
05:56Come on.
05:58Mate love?
05:59Was it mate love?
06:00Carly!
06:01Mate love?
06:03Where's my fucking change?
06:08So it had finally happened.
06:09Carly had made Simon's brain explode.
06:11That stupid, ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carly.
06:14What, she's been controlling your personality for the last 18 years?
06:16Brilliant.
06:17Yeah, good one.
06:18Anyway, Simon, I've been thinking.
06:19We should do something for you before you leave.
06:21What, like give him a makeover, sort his hair out and that?
06:23Could do.
06:24I was thinking more along the lines of a camping trip to the countryside.
06:28Pubs, long walks, no parents, no girls.
06:30Just the four of us, the lads, a tent and a load of beers.
06:33Sounds like a bent version of Brokeback Mountain.
06:35Which would be a heterosexual version.
06:37Is this like a posh show's tradition?
06:38Did your mates do the same thing for you when you left Hogwarts?
06:41Um, no, they didn't.
06:43Oh, right.
06:44Well, I'm up for it.
06:46It'd do me a lot of good to get away for a bit, you know, out in the country, get
06:48my head straight.
06:49Should bring your old man along, see if you can get him straight as well.
06:51Fuck off.
06:52I don't know, Will, I don't think I'd be much company.
06:54Oh, come on, Si, it'd be a laugh.
06:56Although last time I went to the country, I had a bit of bother.
06:58What, from locals?
06:59Nah, a cow.
07:00It charged me, so I had to knock it out.
07:02One punch.
07:03Nice.
07:04I had to leg it, though, because this mate saw what was going on.
07:06And no word of a lie, they stood up on their hind legs, started firing milk at me from their
07:10tits.
07:11Utters?
07:12Well, yeah, there were loads of them.
07:13Right.
07:14What do you reckon, Si, fancy a weekend punching cattle?
07:16No.
07:17No.
07:18I've got two weeks left here, and I'd rather spend them trying to finally get together with Carly than hanging
07:22around with you lot, talking shit about cows and fucking camping.
07:26I'll put you down as a maybe, then.
07:29That night at 2am, I was lucky enough to be woken by a call from a steaming drunk Simon.
07:34Will, it's me, Simon.
07:35Yes, I know.
07:36Man, you were right.
07:37I've got to make Carly believe in me.
07:39Make the sort of gesture she'll never forget.
07:41That doesn't sound like me.
07:43Are you drunk?
07:43I'm going in.
07:44This might be my last chance to see her.
07:46To kiss her.
07:48To maybe make love to her.
07:49Right, fine.
07:50I'm coming to get you, as long as you promise never to say make love again.
07:54So, like a superhero, I went off to Simon's rescue.
07:57A superhero in slippers and a dressing gown.
08:01Simon!
08:03Simon!
08:03Please!
08:05Oh, Christ.
08:07Carly, it's me, Simon.
08:10What was it you wanted to say?
08:12Was it about making love?
08:20Daddy!
08:21Daddy!
08:21No.
08:22Shh.
08:23Sleep.
08:24What's happening?
08:25Please, just shush your little fucking mouth.
08:27You're not my daddy.
08:29Oh, fuck!
08:30Mummy!
08:31Daddy!
08:35Simon's intention was pure Romeo and Juliet.
08:38Unfortunately, the execution was pure Crimewatch.
08:41Yeah.
08:41Cheers, Steve.
08:42No, there's no need to press charges.
08:44Don't worry.
08:44Sorry again.
08:48You're not going to shout at me, are you, Dad?
08:50My head really hurts.
08:51No, I'm not going to shout.
08:52I think we need to have a talk, though.
08:55I know this move's stressful for you, and you might feel a little crazy.
08:59Um, yeah.
09:00But you can't go touching up children.
09:02Not now.
09:02Not ever.
09:03Not kiddies, Si.
09:04Oh, God, no.
09:05No.
09:06No, it wasn't that at all.
09:07I got the wrong bedroom.
09:08I wanted to touch Carly.
09:10Really?
09:10Yes, yes!
09:11Oh, thank Christ.
09:13Thank God.
09:15I've been Googling chemical castration all morning.
09:17Well, I think you need to forget about her for a while.
09:19You go near that house, her dad's going to fuck you up.
09:21His words, not mine.
09:22Oh, God.
09:23Maybe you got your nans for the weekend.
09:25Will wanted to go camping?
09:27Camping?
09:27Yeah.
09:28Sounds good.
09:29Healthy.
09:29Outdoors.
09:30No children around.
09:31Dad, I've loved her for ages.
09:33I don't know what to do.
09:34I totally understand, mate.
09:36There was a girl I was crazy about once.
09:38Really?
09:38Yeah.
09:39She was gorgeous.
09:40Funny.
09:41My best friend in many ways.
09:42But nothing ever happened.
09:43As much as I wanted it to.
09:45Because you never told her?
09:46No, she was frigid.
09:47Yeah, her knickers were about as wet as Augustine's Sahara.
09:50Oh.
09:50Then your mother came along.
09:51She was a real tomcat, let me tell you.
09:56Didn't take me long to forget about the ice queen with your mum around.
09:58If you get me.
10:01Yeah.
10:02I'll get it all up, mate.
10:04Simon's choices were simple.
10:06Stay home and lose more of his stomach lining hearing about his mum's high sex drive or take
10:10us camping.
10:11That's all getting near.
10:12I thought I should run through the itinerary for the weekend.
10:14What's an itinerary?
10:15It's Will's way of taking the fun out of everything.
10:17No, it's just a schedule of what we're getting up to and when we'll be doing it.
10:20Right, item one.
10:20Get your shit off my side of the car.
10:22It's not shit.
10:23It's essentials and I bought it for everyone to make the trip more enjoyable.
10:26Oh, right.
10:26Yeah, Monopoly.
10:27That's going to make it a proper lad's weekend.
10:29All we need is beer and Johnny's and I've got plenty of both.
10:32Why have you bought a load of Johnny's?
10:34Well, in case of get lucky.
10:34We're camping by a lake near a wood.
10:36What are you having to pull?
10:37A fish or an owl?
10:38Listen, all these country birds love a bit of big city cock.
10:41You're not from the big city.
10:42Anywhere with a train station and a Morrison's counts as a city to them.
10:45Neil, look at the map, please.
10:47Where is it?
10:47Um, it's around here somewhere, like the next left or something.
10:51And that's what Google Maps says, is it?
10:52The next left or something?
10:53Oh, sorry, mate.
10:54My head's a mess.
10:55What if I have to go to the berth?
10:57Can you imagine how grim that'll be?
10:58Watching that baby getting squeezed out of her arse.
11:01Right.
11:01I've got some news, Neil.
11:03Oh, here we are, Si.
11:03I turn in here.
11:05Oh, Jesus Christ.
11:06It stinks.
11:08Is it near a pig farm, Neil?
11:09No, sorry, mate.
11:10That was me.
11:10It just slipped out.
11:11Oh, mate.
11:12What?
11:13Fucking Neil.
11:14I can't believe there's the smell of your arse.
11:15Oh, fucking sea.
11:16It's like a brown mist.
11:18Despite Neil's anxious bowels burning our eyes and choking our lungs, we'd made it.
11:22I'd researched this place online and it's certainly delivered.
11:25Secluded.
11:26Remote.
11:27Beautiful.
11:28So where do we shit?
11:29What?
11:30When we need to do a shit, where do we shit?
11:32Hang on, he's right.
11:33Where are we going to shit?
11:35Well, usually you place the trench at least 20 yards away from site.
11:38Downstream, of course.
11:39What trench?
11:40The toilet trench.
11:40Where you put the toilets?
11:42No, where you do a toilet.
11:43I'm not shitting in a trench.
11:45You've gone mental.
11:46I'm not going anywhere near a hole filled with your shit.
11:48No, we used to get our own trench.
11:50Oh, that's all right then.
11:51We're camping, surrounded by shit.
11:53No, no one is shitting in a trench.
11:55We'll have to drive to a pub or something.
11:56Shit there.
11:57Good idea.
11:58Agreed.
11:58That's decided then.
11:59Write that down, Will.
12:00Item two.
12:01Could do.
12:01Or you could remember to shit in the pub when we're there.
12:04Right, let's get this tent up.
12:05I need to go now though.
12:06What?
12:06Just hold it in.
12:08I can't.
12:08I get all emotional.
12:09We only just got here, Neil.
12:10Camp first, poo second.
12:12I don't think I can.
12:13I'm honestly getting teary.
12:14It feels like it's trying to push its way back up into my stomach.
12:17Oh, I still need one now too.
12:18What about that service station we passed?
12:20Oh God, the snake's out of the cave.
12:22Fine, everyone back in the car.
12:23So our camping trip was delayed while Neil left what he described as King Kong's finger in the welcome break
12:28toilets.
12:35Neil genuinely felt better about life after unloading a massive poo.
12:38And now the car was unloaded, so did I.
12:41Right, first we need to clear the ground, make sure the site is safe and then put up our tent.
12:44Oh, fuck that.
12:45Let's just crack open the beers and build a fucking massive fire.
12:48You can't just build a fire.
12:49It takes preparation.
12:50I mean, have we even asked the landowner's permission?
12:52Will, I didn't come here for a refresher course in the countryside code.
12:55I just want to get pissed and have a laugh.
12:57I won't be able to do any of this in Wales.
12:58What, because there's no field?
12:59No, because I won't have any mates.
13:01Oh, you won't need mates.
13:02Welsh birds are total filth.
13:04Are they?
13:05Yeah.
13:06Pretty much all British porn stars are Welsh.
13:08And most of them don't even get paid.
13:09They just do it for cock.
13:10Oh, okay.
13:11Made up sluts.
13:12Now I'm glad I'm going to Swansea.
13:13Oh, fucking hell, Swansea.
13:15Fine, Simon.
13:16Look, if you really want, I'll build you a fire now.
13:19You lot put the tent up.
13:20I'll go and find some suitable wood and kindling.
13:22All right, Arkayla.
13:23But remember, fire is an element.
13:26It must be respected.
13:28Camping is all about self-reliance and teamwork.
13:31And I knew I could rely on myself to create the perfect camp
13:33and my team to fuck it up.
13:40What the fuck have you done?
13:42All right, Will.
13:43Fancy a sausage?
13:44Calm down.
13:45I just got it going.
13:46I didn't even need a fire gaze badge.
13:48No, just some petrol.
13:49You put petrol on it?
13:51Wait a minute.
13:52Is that my fold-up table on the fire?
13:54And my picnic basket?
13:56I thought you said look for stuff to burn.
13:58What?
13:58Burn fucking wood, not my stuff?
14:01Oh, fucking hell.
14:02Why have you done that?
14:04Look, someone had to take charge of this weekend.
14:05It was going to be all Monopoly and shitting in trenches.
14:08Look, come on, sit down, have a beer, have a sausage.
14:11Just chill.
14:12I'll chill when you stop burning my fucking possessions.
14:15Oh, I thought they were for everyone.
14:17Yes, for everyone to use, not to burn.
14:22What are you doing?
14:24Fire's going down.
14:25Stop burning my things.
14:28Oh, all right, I forgot.
14:30Jeez.
14:32We were barely an hour from home,
14:34but somehow that meant that burning my possessions
14:36was not only okay, but hilarious.
14:40Oh, come on, we're sorry.
14:41It was just a joke.
14:43We'll do whatever you want to cheer you up.
14:45Anything you like.
14:47Game of Monopoly?
14:48Oh, fuck off.
14:49Apart from that.
14:50Look, if you want to play a game, I've got a proper game.
14:52Not a shit one.
14:53No, thinking about it, you lot might be too pussy to play.
14:55It's not that game you used to play
14:56with your weird neighbour in his shed, is it?
14:59Well, that never happened.
15:00Yeah, you told me about it years ago,
15:02just after we moved away.
15:03No, I never.
15:04Shut up, you knob.
15:05Right, to start with, you all have to swap phones.
15:11Now what?
15:12Now you text someone in their phone book.
15:14So, like, you've got Will's phone, yeah?
15:16So when you text someone, they'll think it's from him.
15:19So does that mean I have to write it all posh
15:20and, like, all hurdy-wurdy-durdy?
15:22Nah, the only rule is that you can write whatever you like
15:25and no-one can stop you.
15:26I just want to say, for the record,
15:28there's no way anything good can come out of this.
15:30Ready?
15:30Go.
15:32I've only got five numbers on my phone
15:33and three of them are you lot, so do your worst.
15:35Well, as long as one of the others is your mum,
15:37you're still in trouble.
15:38Neil, come on.
15:39That's too much.
15:40I think that is literally the point of the game.
15:42Oh, fuck.
15:43Right, gays, finished?
15:44That's it, send them.
15:46Right, so I wrote from Simon's phone to Carly.
15:50Carly, I love you from the bottom of my cock.
15:53The thought of leaving you is making me cry.
15:56Better.
15:56And I'm using those tears as lube to wank with.
16:01Right, don't worry, Si.
16:02I texted Jay's dad and wrote,
16:04Dad, I'm just thinking about you.
16:06Oh, that's all right.
16:07I'm in the bath and I'm hard.
16:10Fucking hell.
16:11Neil, fairly standard to Will's mum.
16:13Mum, it's been 17 years,
16:15but I'd love to have another go on your big old tits.
16:17Oh, no.
16:18Then I'd like to smash in your back doors, brackets, anus.
16:23So I'll come up that I sent her a text.
16:24She'll think, oh, good,
16:25he's just let me know he got there safely
16:26and then she'll read that.
16:28Yep.
16:28Right then, Si, what did you send to,
16:30I presume, Neil's dad?
16:31You presume wrong.
16:32I've gone for a slightly different flavour.
16:34I've written to the soon-to-be mother of his child.
16:36Oh, what?
16:37At least that's who I guess saucy as to Karen is.
16:39It is.
16:40Good, because I've written,
16:41Karen, I love you
16:42and love that you are to be the mother of my child.
16:45Marry me?
16:46Oh, fucking hell.
16:48Brilliant.
16:48I only met her a month ago.
16:50She smells her cheese most of the time.
16:51What, because of all the knobs she's had?
16:53Oh, God, I thought coming out here
16:54would take my mind off it.
16:55But the countryside's really boring, isn't it?
16:57It's just a load of fields and rivers and that
16:59and they don't do nothing.
17:00They just sit there.
17:01It's not like London Dungeons
17:02where people jump out at you.
17:04He's right, it is boring.
17:05Shall we go back?
17:06Oh, no, come on.
17:07We could go for a swim.
17:08Skinny dipping?
17:10Yeah, you're right.
17:11I'd probably be a bit gay.
17:12Yeah.
17:13Well, there's always Monopoly.
17:15Oh, fucking hell, fine.
17:17As long as I can be the dog.
17:18Why?
17:19Reminds me of Benji.
17:21This was great.
17:22Camping, playing board games around the fire
17:24as the sun went down.
17:26It was like I was backing Cub Scouts,
17:27but without the unpleasantness.
17:30Ha!
17:30Park lane with a hotel.
17:32That's 1,500 quid, you owe me top hat.
17:34Can I pay you after I pass go?
17:35I'm nearly there.
17:36Nope.
17:36Well, will you take one of my properties then?
17:39Oh, this is impossible.
17:40I can barely see.
17:41I've not been able to see them
17:41for fucking hours.
17:43Let's just stop.
17:44Okay, we'll call it a draw.
17:45Fuck off, just because I'm winning
17:47and all you've got is stations.
17:48I'm happy to call it a draw.
17:49Well, of course you are,
17:50because you were out four hours ago anyway,
17:52you fucking idiot.
17:53You don't think I'm dumb,
17:54but I've got street smarts.
17:55You've got a woman from Asda
17:56pregnant in your lunch hour.
17:58I'll build another fire.
17:59It's too dark to collect wood
18:00and you've burned everything I own.
18:01Well, fine, I'll get side's car
18:04and shine the lights over here.
18:05Here you are, then.
18:07This was embarrassing.
18:09I hadn't lost a game of Monopoly
18:10since I was seven,
18:11and yet I was about to be beaten by Jay,
18:13a man who took pride in the fact
18:14he couldn't count to 100.
18:15He really wants to win, doesn't he?
18:17I never knew he was so competitive.
18:19I can't get enough of these sausages.
18:20I love them roaring in the middle.
18:24Right, sorted.
18:25Now, you owe me 1,500 quid.
18:27Jay, my fucking car!
18:28Hand-rate!
18:29Oh, shit.
18:30Yeah.
18:30Stop it!
18:33Jay, help!
18:34All right, all right.
18:38It's locked.
18:39Jay, throw me the keys.
18:40I gave them to you.
18:41No, you didn't.
18:42Yeah, I did.
18:42No, you fucking didn't.
18:44Oh, brilliant.
18:44Well, someone's gone and lost the fucking keys, then.
18:46Yes, you.
18:47You've lost them.
18:48You must have locked them in the car.
18:49Oh, God!
18:50Oh, God!
18:51We'll have to smash a window.
18:52Fucking hell, Jay, you're paying for that.
18:54It's not my fault.
18:55It's entirely your fault.
18:56I always like my car like that.
18:57Yours must be different.
18:58It's shitter for one.
18:59Thanks, Neil.
19:00My old man was here.
19:01He'd be able to get into it in two seconds flat.
19:03Easter Jack Ferraris for the Mafia.
19:04How is that total bullshit helpful?
19:06Okay, you two hold it.
19:07We'll go and find something to smash a window with.
19:09Oi, why do me and Neil have to hold the fucking car?
19:11Well, obviously, because you two are the strongest.
19:17It's true, we are.
19:18Fucking hell, why are there no rocks?
19:19It's the countryside!
19:20Why aren't there any fucking rocks?
19:22What are we going to smash the window with?
19:24Jay's face?
19:25Oh, my arm's hurt.
19:27I don't know why they're bothering to get that rock.
19:29The way I look at it, it's inevitable that the car's going to go into the lake.
19:32I suppose it's nature.
19:33You can't fight nature.
19:34Exactly.
19:35It's going in anyway.
19:36My arm's hurt.
19:37We might as well just let go.
19:38Do you think Simon will be annoyed?
19:39How can you be?
19:40It's logical.
19:41We can't stop it.
19:42We are stopping it a bit now.
19:44It's inevitable, Neil.
19:45Trust me.
19:46We'll let go after three, all right?
19:48Gotcha.
19:49One.
19:50Two.
19:53No!
19:55Oh, God!
19:56Oh, God!
19:57Oh, God!
19:57Oh, God!
19:58Oh, God!
20:08Why did you do that?
20:10You said smash a window.
20:11No!
20:12No!
20:13No, no!
20:15No!
20:16No!
20:18No!
20:18No!
20:18No!
20:19No!
20:20No!
20:22No!
20:23No!
20:24No!
20:28Anywhere?
20:29You assholes!
20:30You total pair of fucking wankers!
20:32It's all right, Si.
20:33We'll just wait for the morning and rescue it when the tide's out.
20:35It's so fucking late, Neil.
20:36The tide isn't going out.
20:38I've wasted my life hanging around with you fucking morons.
20:41I can't wait to move to Swansea.
20:43I fucking hate you.
20:44Fuck off.
20:45Fuck off!
20:47Come on, Si. Come out of the water and dry off. I'm sure I'll think of something.
20:51You never think of anything. You've just got an accent that makes us think you're clever, but you're not.
20:55You're just as much of a fucking idiot as these two.
20:58A bit harsh.
20:59You wankers. You total, total wankers.
21:03Oh, God!
21:06Oh, God! God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
21:17Do you want a lager, Si?
21:22Yes.
21:32Oh, shit, I did have the keys.
21:35Probably wouldn't mention it.
21:36So Simon's shitty yellow Fiat was gone forever.
21:39But on the bright side, at least Jay didn't beat me at Monopoly.
21:42Which do you think burns better, Si?
21:44My rucksack or my sleeping bag?
21:46Nice try, but this is now officially the worst weekend ever.
21:49Let's just go home.
21:50How?
21:51Call your dad, Si.
21:52If you think about it, it's sort of his fault we're here.
21:54Can't face it.
21:55He's going to go ballistic about the car.
21:57What about your old man, Jay?
21:59Nah, he's out.
22:00Private poker tournament with Danny Dyer and the Crays.
22:02Aren't the Crays dead?
22:03No.
22:04That's just a cover story because they've done a bunk from prison.
22:07They're old up in one of me dad's warehouses.
22:09Of course.
22:11Oh, looks like your dad's taken a break from that made-up poker tournament, Jay.
22:14He's just texted you back.
22:15Oh, shit.
22:16What does he say?
22:17Um, you're sick, son.
22:19Your mum was right about sending you to that shrink.
22:24What's he on about, a fucking wanker?
22:26Talking bollocks as usual.
22:28You've got a test too, Neil.
22:29Assuming you're a bird, maybe you should read it.
22:32Oh, thank you, God.
22:34She said yes to the marriage proposal then.
22:36Much better.
22:36It says, you dopey prick, not pregnant, tested positive for...
22:42What's that say, Will?
22:44Chlamydia.
22:45Yes!
22:46Get in!
22:48What's chlamydia?
22:49Well, how should I put this, Neil?
22:50Well, you no longer have a child on the way, but you do have an STD.
22:54I've got an STD!
22:56Yes, an STD!
22:58Woo!
22:59Go on then, check mine.
23:02Oh, it's from Carly.
23:03Let's have a little look then.
23:04No.
23:10Well, brilliant.
23:12Shall we go to bed then?
23:14What did I say?
23:15Simon was never this cagey.
23:17When it came to Carly, he normally wore his heart on his sleeve and his boner in his pants.
23:21Maybe he had other things on his mind.
23:23So we had a light all along then?
23:25Oh, shit, yeah.
23:26I forgot about that one.
23:27So my car went in the lake for no reason.
23:29I'm upset too, Si.
23:30I got my first handjob in that car.
23:32Who's going to want to give me an handjob when I'm a dad?
23:34Your dad?
23:35You're not going to be a dad, remember, Neil?
23:37Oh, yeah.
23:38He'll probably still give you one anyway.
23:40Look, even if we did get it out, mate, I doubt it would work anyway.
23:44I think the engine's flooded.
23:46Is that supposed to be funny, Jay?
23:47You'll get it on the insurance, I reckon.
23:49Yeah, I've got a third-party fire and your mate's throwing it into a lake, so it should be fine.
23:55How was the trench?
23:57I had to wipe my arse with leaves.
23:59Jesus.
24:00And I think there were some ants in there, so I now literally have ants in my pants.
24:03And soil.
24:05And some earwigs.
24:08Hey, do you remember that first time we slept in a tent in my back garden?
24:11Yeah, we had to come in the house about midnight because Jay got scared.
24:14Yeah, I was scared that Neil's dad was going to come out and bum us.
24:16And on that familiar note, it's goodnight.
24:19Sorry about your car, Si.
24:20Doesn't matter, it was a shit car anyway.
24:22Thanks for the send-off.
24:23I suppose when I'm away from you lot...
24:25Jesus, that stinks, Neil.
24:27Is that a fart?
24:28Nah, burp.
24:28It ain't great, though.
24:29I think it's them sausages.
24:31Whatever, goodnight.
24:33Well, I'll get the fucking light then, shall I?
24:36Night, gay lords.
24:40Si, I was wondering, when you're gone...
24:42Yeah?
24:43...what do you want us to do with Will?
24:44Like, look after him and stuff?
24:46I'm not a stray cat, Neil.
24:47Yeah, but you do shit in a hole in the ground.
24:49Brilliant.
24:50I'll just worry about you, that's all.
24:51I think I'll be fine.
24:52Goodnight.
24:55Thanks, though, Neil.
24:59Oh, fucking hell!
25:01It's in my hair!
25:02It's the sausages!
25:03Oh, God, get out.
25:04I've got to get out.
25:05Oh, God, the smell.
25:06Oh, it always makes you puke.
25:08Don't puke in here.
25:08Oh, no.
25:09Oh, you have.
25:11Oh, you feel well.
25:13Oh, shit, the smell!
25:15Oh, God, the double puke!
25:17Get the fucking tent open, Jay!
25:19I can't find the tip!
25:20I can't find the tip!
25:21Oh, no!
25:27Great.
25:32Oh, my mum's texting me back.
25:34Is she up for some backdoor action, then?
25:35No, it said, I love you, too.
25:37It's a template.
25:38Well, she is up for it.
25:39Neil should get a bummer, because he was his texter, got a frothy.
25:42True.
25:43Obviously, she's not up for it.
25:44How do you know?
25:45Yeah, does it say that specifically?
25:47Specifically.
25:47Do you say she only likes it in her axe wound?
25:49Seriously, we've got a long walk ahead of us.
25:51I'm covered in puke.
25:52Can we just drop the mum's stuff?
25:54I'd like to drop your mum's stuff.
25:56Oh, we can't.
26:01Yeah, I'm coming home.
26:03You look good when your heart is a fire.
26:08It's the money you say, yeah.
26:12You do it right.
26:13You don't bother.
26:16I find the sun.
26:18Ooh.
26:20I'm coming home.
26:24I'm coming home.
26:25I'm coming home.
26:25I'm coming home.
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