'Night Out In London' Will decides the boys should reinvent themselves as trendy clubbers and they drive to London in Simon's car, though to gain entry to the best club in town Simon must swap his trainers for a tramp's filthy old shoes. #tv #comedy
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00:20In case you're interested, at my old school, the day began with prayers, followed by hymns,
00:24and then an inspirational reading.
00:26Here it began with Jay showing me a pornographic video.
00:29Right. Watch this.
00:32This is tame. They're not even naked.
00:34Oh, wait a minute. Is she gonna...
00:36Oh, my God. That can't be real. That's gotta be chocolate.
00:39They should have got a bigger cup.
00:40How tame is that, then?
00:42Oh, Christ, I'm gonna heave.
00:44Jesus wept. Don't lick it!
00:46She's gonna vomit. I'm gonna vomit.
00:48This is the best bit. Look.
00:51Oh!
00:52Oh!
00:53Is it possible to unsee things?
00:56I don't like girls anymore.
00:57So you get a new laptop, and the first thing you do was find that?
01:00No. It wasn't the first thing. This was the first thing.
01:03Oh, my God.
01:07Oh, shit.
01:07You lot are such sados.
01:09Oh, God.
01:11That's it.
01:11We can't carry on like this.
01:13Carry on like what?
01:14We can't spend another term treading water, being the same old sad cases.
01:18Well, I'm not a sad case.
01:19You just got called a sad case.
01:22Look, we've got to do something.
01:24What do you mean?
01:24Carpe diem.
01:26Go fishing.
01:26Seize the day.
01:28Do something unexpected.
01:29Reinvent ourselves.
01:30Show the girls and everyone else who we really are.
01:33Reinvent ourselves as what?
01:35I don't know.
01:36Literally anything.
01:38Something cool.
01:39We could start going clubbing in London.
01:41My dad would never let me drive to London.
01:43Thanks, Si. That's the spirit.
01:44I could drive us.
01:45I got a car last weekend.
01:46You've got a car?
01:47You haven't even passed your test yet.
01:49Yeah, I have.
01:50And you never thought to mention it?
01:51You never asked.
01:52Oh, of course.
01:53I forgot that's the way it works.
01:54We have to ask you every single thing that might have happened in case it did.
01:58This is brilliant, Neil.
01:59Now we don't have to drive around in Simon's little bitch-mobile.
02:01Oh, right. No more lifts for you, then.
02:03What about that, then, Si?
02:04If you don't have to drive or you come?
02:06It's not the driving I'm worried about.
02:07It's more that we won't get in anywhere, won't get served,
02:09and might get robbed, stabbed, or killed.
02:12Bullshit.
02:12All right, I go up to London all the time.
02:15When do you ever go to London?
02:16All the time.
02:17I went last weekend.
02:18I fucked some girl up there.
02:19Did you?
02:20Where was that, then?
02:21It was in the Tower of London.
02:23The Tower of London?
02:24What did you do after you fucked her?
02:25Cut her head off?
02:27Showed her the crown jewels?
02:28She'd already seen the crown jewels, thanks.
02:30My bellend.
02:31Brilliant.
02:32Reinventing ourselves as clubbers was a brilliant idea of mine.
02:35Obviously, we wouldn't actually get in anywhere,
02:37but Simon could at least give it a go.
02:38Go on, Si.
02:39All right, please come along.
02:40It'll be expensive, won't it?
02:42Don't some of those clubs charge 30 quid to get in.
02:44I've already told you.
02:45I know the bloke who runs all the doors.
02:46It'll just slip us in.
02:47And when that turns out to be bullshit, what then?
02:50Hi, Simon.
02:51Carly!
02:51How's your stomach?
02:54Oh, fine.
02:55Simon had really bad diarrhoea over the weekend.
02:58Really bad.
02:59Look, we're going up to London on Saturday.
03:01Clubbing.
03:02Do you want to come?
03:03Sounds fun.
03:03We'd love to go.
03:04Which club are you going to?
03:07Um, Spearman Rhino.
03:09Isn't that a strip club?
03:10No, he's made a mistake.
03:11We're going to one of the big ones.
03:12One of the big, cool ones, right in the middle of London.
03:14Oh, right.
03:15Which one?
03:16Um, the land of...
03:18The sound of...
03:19We usually go to the Astoria.
03:21And that's exactly where we're going.
03:23Cool.
03:23And I'm driving if you want a lift.
03:25No, we're cool.
03:25We'll probably head up early, check out the shops.
03:27A lift back would be great, though.
03:28No problemo.
03:30So do you go clubbing a lot, then?
03:32Me?
03:33Yeah, you.
03:34Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:37Yeah, of course.
03:38Dancing on the podium, probably.
03:39Or up by the speakers, where it's, if anything, too loud.
03:42Great.
03:42See you there.
03:43See ya.
03:44Great.
03:44See you later, then.
03:48What did I tell you?
03:49London and Muff go hand in hand.
03:51Fucking hell.
03:52I'm going on a date with Carly.
03:53It's not really a date.
03:54I think it is.
03:55I reckon you're in there, too.
03:57Me?
03:58Why do you think that?
03:59Because she touched her hair.
04:00In body language speak, that means she wants you.
04:03Well, in London on Saturday night, there'll be plenty of girls around me touching their hair.
04:07They're pubic hair, presumably.
04:08No.
04:10They're long.
04:12No, yeah, they're pubic hair.
04:15Saturday rolled around, and we were all incredibly excited about our night out in London.
04:19Rachel, an actual girl with a working face, had asked me if I was going.
04:23Simon got to continue his stalking of Carly.
04:26Neil just liked being out in the open, like a Labrador.
04:29And Jay was up for some more make-believe sex in a tourist attraction.
04:32Maybe a handjob at Man and Two Swords.
04:34Of course, I had no idea how he'd actually get into a club, but I wasn't taking any chances,
04:38and wore my smartest shoes.
04:40Something Simon didn't do.
04:42Why are you wearing trainers, Si?
04:43Because they look good.
04:44I specifically said no trainers.
04:46Not if you want to get into clubs.
04:48Everyone wears trainers.
04:49Jay hasn't got trainers on.
04:50I haven't got trainers on.
04:51You've got fucking flippers on.
04:53What size are they?
04:54Size A.
04:55My size.
04:56Oh, yeah, Ronald McDonald called.
04:58He wants his shoes back.
04:59There's nothing wrong with these.
05:00They're Italian.
05:01Hey, where are my flippers?
05:04At least you'll be all right if you fall in the Thames.
05:06Yeah, very funny.
05:07Would it have killed you to wear shoes just to be on the safe side?
05:10Whoa, check out Neil's car.
05:12Yeah.
05:12Shit hot.
05:13I'd say half right.
05:15It's shit.
05:16But a rubbish red Nova wasn't the main attraction at Neil's house.
05:22Hi, Katie.
05:23Hello.
05:24He's upstairs.
05:25So how's things with you?
05:27Yeah.
05:27I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.
05:29Neil, your friends want to know if you're coming out to play.
05:32Come in.
05:33So Katie, do you like clubbing?
05:34Can you stop staring at my tits, please?
05:39She must be on the blob.
05:41Hi.
05:42What do you think of the car, then?
05:43It's like a tractor beam for Fanny.
05:45I love it.
05:46It's got a piper exhaust and a well-smart body kit.
05:48My sister's boyfriend's helped me do it up.
05:50He's a mechanic.
05:51Must be nice for your dad to have a man about the house, Neil.
05:54What does that mean?
05:55It means does your dad suck him off?
05:56No.
05:57But your sister does?
05:58No.
06:00Well, I mean, she might do.
06:01Oh, she definitely does.
06:03Oh, nice Porsche engineering sticker.
06:06I know.
06:06I put it on myself.
06:07It's got to be worth at least a handjob.
06:09So how fast does it go, then?
06:11Who knows?
06:11I ain't got it going yet.
06:12What, this will be the first time you've driven it?
06:14No.
06:14It don't work.
06:15It ain't got an engine.
06:16Dave's still trying to find me one.
06:17But I thought you were driving us up to London.
06:19Yeah, so did I.
06:20So how do you plan to drive us up there without a car?
06:23I thought I was going to drive your car.
06:24But you're not insured to drive my car, Neil.
06:27Yeah, I wondered about that.
06:28Oh, well, Simon, you're going to have to drive us.
06:31No, I said no.
06:32And my dad will go mental if he finds out I've driven to London.
06:35He won't find out.
06:37And even if he does, you'll have far too many fingers up Carly to care.
06:42Please, Simon.
06:44Oh, Christ, thanks a lot, Neil.
06:46You need to be clearer about things, I reckon.
06:48Okay, is this clear enough?
06:50You're a fucking idiot.
06:52Calm down.
06:53I'll get some beers for the trip.
06:54I can't drink and drive.
06:56Of course you can.
06:57It's just the same.
06:59So Jay liberated a few of his dad's lagers and we were off.
07:02The plan was simple.
07:03Get to London, get into a club, pull Carly and Rachel,
07:06and then return to school on Monday morning to find our credibility at an all-time high.
07:09Yes, unless it was simple, not realistic.
07:12In the meantime, we can enjoy the enlightening conversation.
07:14Yeah, who would you rather fuck?
07:16Will's mum or Neil's sister?
07:18Oh, good.
07:18Wait, leave it out.
07:20Will's mum?
07:21Don't join in, Neil.
07:22Neil's sister would have the tight snatch, I guess.
07:24Leave it out.
07:25But Will's mum has got huge tits.
07:27They are amazing.
07:28Thanks, Neil.
07:29Although Neil's sister looks like she'd be better at sucking dick.
07:31Like father, like daughter.
07:32Oh, yeah.
07:33I could see her going at it like a dog eating hot chips.
07:35Shut up, Jay.
07:36I'd like to put my cock in them both.
07:37That's a touching sentiment.
07:39I'd be touching your mum's sentiment.
07:40That doesn't mean anything.
07:41It means I'd touch her bum hole with my cock.
07:44Nice one.
07:44I've thought about it and I'd definitely rather fuck Will's mum.
07:47Are you sure, Neil?
07:48What about your sister's tight snatch?
07:50No, totally sure.
07:51Well, that's good then.
07:52Hang on.
07:53Slow down a minute, Si.
07:58Bus wankers!
08:04Where did that come from?
08:06Bus wankers.
08:07I don't know.
08:07It just felt right.
08:08You can see their little faces drop as they thought, we must be the bus wankers.
08:13Pull over, Si.
08:14I need a piss.
08:15I can't pull over.
08:16There's a bus lane.
08:16Oh, please.
08:17I'm desperate, mate.
08:18You just have to hold it, Neil.
08:19We're late enough.
08:22What are you doing?
08:24Are you pissing in my car?
08:26No.
08:26What's that noise then?
08:27I'm pissing in a can.
08:28What the fuck?
08:29You'll get pissed on the floor.
08:30Don't worry.
08:31It won't overflow.
08:32I've got me chaps all right in there so I can't miss.
08:34No problemo.
08:36It stinks, Neil.
08:37Oh, it don't want to stop.
08:39What do you mean, it?
08:40Just stop pissing yourself, Neil.
08:42Quick, pass me another can.
08:43That's not happening.
08:44Quick, it's filled up to the top.
08:45I've got to get it out.
08:46Oh, shit.
08:48Oh, my helmet.
08:49I've cut it on the can.
08:51Oh, I think it's bleeding.
08:52Fuck, bleeding?
08:53Is it still pissing?
08:54Oh, it stings.
08:56Does anybody want to swap seats?
08:57Oh, well, not you, Neil.
08:58Get rid of it, Neil.
09:01Oh, Neil.
09:03So high on the smell of Neil's urine,
09:05we headed for the bright lights of London.
09:15Look out, ladies.
09:16Phase one was complete.
09:18We had finally made it to London.
09:24And we even managed to see all the sights
09:27because Simon got us totally fucking lost.
09:33It must be somewhere around here.
09:35I knew we'd get lost.
09:36Thanks a lot, Neil.
09:37Is it my fault you're a shit driver?
09:39I don't want Carly to be pissed off if I'm late.
09:41You need to grow some balls, I reckon.
09:42Look, why don't we just pull over
09:44and ask someone where the club full of clunges is.
09:45Oh, I've got Google Maps on my phone.
09:47Should be able to find it, no problemo.
09:50Neil, you have to stop.
09:51Oi, oi.
09:52No, Jay, because bus wankers.
09:58Why are you slowing down?
10:00I tried to say.
10:01Oh, Christ, Jay.
10:03Oh, shit.
10:03Oh, no, they're coming.
10:04Shit, drive.
10:06Where?
10:06Where am I meant to drive to?
10:08Anywhere.
10:09Oh, shit.
10:18Anywhere but the pavement.
10:25Listen, hey, sorry.
10:26I'm sorry.
10:27I'm really sorry.
10:28I'm really...
10:28Who's wankering?
10:29I'm sorry.
10:29I'm a wanker, mate.
10:30I'm really sorry.
10:31I'm sorry.
10:32Yeah?
10:32Yeah?
10:32I'm sorry.
10:33I'm really...
10:33I'm sorry.
10:33He said he's sorry.
10:34I'm a wanker, yeah?
10:35I'm really sorry.
10:36He's really sorry.
10:37I'm sorry.
10:38I'm sorry.
10:39I'm sorry.
10:40I'd rather be a busboy than a damn that piece of the yellow shit.
10:46Oh, fucking hell.
10:47You two shit yourselves.
10:48What?
10:49Oh, sorry.
10:50Sorry.
10:51Oh, I'm sorry.
10:52Don't hurt me.
10:52Sorry.
10:53You got me fucking throttled.
10:54Oh, sorry.
10:55Oh, fuck off.
10:56Sorry I'm on the pavement.
10:57Oh, sorry, sorry.
10:58Sorry for my little shit car.
11:00I'm so sorry, then.
11:01Alive and a bender.
11:03Just fuck off.
11:10Sorry, Si.
11:13Sorry I'm such a tear.
11:15Oh, sorry.
11:15I've done a poo in my pants.
11:17Oh, sorry.
11:17My neck is stuck in your hand.
11:19Simon's a good friend, but it's fair to say he drives like a retard.
11:23But eventually, in Chinatown, just a few hundred yards from the club, we found the perfect parking space.
11:29Well, almost perfect.
11:30I don't think I can park here.
11:32Simon, we've been driving around for an hour looking for a parking space.
11:34This one's perfect.
11:35Let's just get going.
11:37But it says we'll get clamped.
11:38No, it's a weekend, innit?
11:39It's different rules.
11:40I'm sure he's right, Si.
11:42And no one clamps anymore.
11:43Please, can we get going?
11:44I really need to check my knob.
11:46I think I've got a big problemo.
11:48Can you stop saying problemo?
11:50What?
11:50It's not cool or funny.
11:52It's just embarrassing.
11:54Don't worry, Neil.
11:54He'll say sorry in a minute.
11:56Maybe I should move it.
11:57Simon, listen to me.
11:59Carly has agreed to go clubbing with you.
12:01That is a big step forward.
12:02But in the hour it'll take for us to find another parking space,
12:04you could have gone off the idea.
12:05Yes, you could be wanking off the DJ by now.
12:07I doubt that's happening.
12:09But the point is valid.
12:10This is a great parking spot.
12:12Let's just get a move on.
12:13We are wasting valuable boning time.
12:18Fine.
12:18Fine.
12:19Come on, then.
12:20I don't bother locking it, Si.
12:22If you're lucky, someone might nick it.
12:24Yeah, give one.
12:25So despite the odd throttling and cut penis,
12:27we made it to the club safely.
12:29And the girls even seemed pleased to see us.
12:31Carly.
12:32Oh, hi, Simon.
12:33I wondered where you were.
12:34Did you?
12:35You were actually here?
12:36Yes.
12:37You weren't lying about coming, then?
12:38No.
12:38Why would I be lying?
12:40Don't know.
12:41Don't know why I said that.
12:43Great.
12:43Well, we'll see you in there, then.
12:44Don't be a tit.
12:45Just stand here.
12:48Oh, are you joining us?
12:49Yeah.
12:50Yeah, I think so.
12:52Are you fucking pushing in?
12:54Uh, those arseholes pushed in.
12:58So, great you're near the front.
13:02Yeah, well, I've been in long enough.
13:03I suppose you have.
13:05I just really want to get inside and dance now.
13:07Yeah, me too.
13:09There's something very animalistic about our need to dance, isn't there?
13:13I think those lads are throwing stuff at you.
13:16Do I think so?
13:16They're probably just frustrated because they want to get inside, too.
13:18They're saying, let us in.
13:20We've got bloody great dancing ants in our pants.
13:23Get to the back of the queue, you four-eyed prick.
13:25Sorry, do you mind if I stand with my back to you?
13:27I just don't want them to think that you're with me.
13:29No, that's fine.
13:32Rachel had the most beautiful back of her head I'd ever seen.
13:34Now all we had to do was get into the club.
13:36No trainers.
13:38What?
13:38No trainers.
13:40But they're new.
13:41No trainers.
13:44I'll see you in there in a minute.
13:46Well, that's us fucked in.
13:48I'll take it you don't know that bouncer then, Jay.
13:50What's this got to do with me?
13:51I'm not the one wearing trainers.
13:53You fucking idiot.
13:54I'm totally in there.
13:56Like, totally.
13:58Would it have killed you to wear shoes?
13:59Probably make another pair out of yours.
14:01And have enough leather left to cover a sofa.
14:03Doesn't matter anyway, because I've sorted it.
14:05I'm going to borrow some shoes.
14:06What?
14:07How was it, Chuck?
14:08Oh, no.
14:10Look, I'm going to level with you.
14:11I am scared.
14:13London scares me.
14:14The bouncer scares me.
14:15And that man really scares me.
14:18Let's just put this one down as another character form and experience and go home.
14:23Oh, come on, Will.
14:23It's for Carly.
14:24She'll love it.
14:24It's romantic.
14:26It's not quite Romeo and Juliet, is it?
14:27These are tramp shoes we're talking about.
14:29Excuse me, mate.
14:31Mate, excuse me.
14:33Can I borrow your shoes?
14:34Eh?
14:35I want to borrow your shoes?
14:36I'm trying to impress a girl.
14:38He's a blowjob.
14:39What?
14:40I'll give you a blowjob.
14:41No.
14:42God, no, no blowjobs.
14:44I just want your shoes.
14:46All right.
14:4820 quid.
14:48Great.
14:50And your shoes.
14:52Oh, of course.
14:58Good old Simon.
14:59I could always rely on him to add a touch of class to proceedings.
15:02In many ways, though, it proved how much he valued Carly.
15:06Certainly more than he valued his dignity.
15:08They're a bit of wear.
15:09Aye.
15:10That'll be my piss.
15:12Okay.
15:13Thanks.
15:14I'm not saying it was a dodgy club, but you have to question a door policy which says no
15:18to trainers, but a big thumbs up to piss-soaked tramp shoes.
15:21If you and me together...
15:24But we were in.
15:25We had got in.
15:26Yes.
15:27In the club.
15:28An actual club.
15:29Yes.
15:31I've died and gone to clunge heaven.
15:33Oh, nice.
15:35Well, this is what we wanted.
15:37This is it.
15:38The first day of the rest of our lives.
15:41It's one small step for a man and one giant leap for your flippers.
15:45You won't be laughing when we pull Carly and Rachel.
15:48No.
15:48I won't.
15:49Because it ain't going to happen.
15:50All right, you can spend your evening talking to little girls.
15:53Me and Neil are going to find ourselves some proper women with experienced snatches.
15:57Good luck with that.
15:58Just so you know, I think the Tower of London is closed now.
16:05Right, there she is.
16:06How do I look?
16:07You look good.
16:08From the ankles up, obviously.
16:09Obviously.
16:10Where's Rachel?
16:11Don't worry.
16:12She's keen.
16:13I'm sure she'll find me.
16:13Away you go, mate.
16:15Wish me luck.
16:20Carly.
16:21Simon, you got in.
16:23I thought you were turned away.
16:24Oh, well, we're always being a bit of a dick with the bouncers and there was a thing with
16:27my shoes.
16:28They're out of rice already.
16:29Can you believe that?
16:30Oh, Simon, this is Adam.
16:31He's a mate of Rachel's.
16:33Oh, all right.
16:34Yeah, you?
16:36Simon is an old friend of the family.
16:38Not just that, though.
16:40Can you smell piss?
16:43Um...
16:43Oh, yes.
16:44That's totally rent.
16:45Must be the toilet.
16:46We should move.
16:47Yeah, good idea.
16:48Meanwhile, Jay and Neil headed downstairs to discuss the nuances of sexual politics.
16:52Oh, shit.
16:53Definitely get it.
16:54Most definitely.
16:59What about her?
17:00I think she looked over.
17:01Nice body.
17:01Frightening face.
17:02You'd have to do her from behind.
17:04And what about her?
17:05Bit big.
17:06But then, fat girls are more grateful.
17:09Oh, check out her jubblies on that.
17:11Oh, she'd get it.
17:13Until it fell off.
17:15Oh, please don't.
17:15Please do.
17:16Oh, no.
17:17She's given me a boner and my cut's hurting worse than ever.
17:20I've got to go and check it out.
17:21All right.
17:22But I might not be here when you get back.
17:24Because that one's giving me the old, I'm going to milk your balls dry look.
17:40And in the toilets, Neil had a very big problemo with his cock.
17:55I had my own difficulties in the cock department.
17:57Rachel was sitting next to one.
17:59Rachel!
18:00There you are.
18:01Found you.
18:02Ready to put on your dancing shoes?
18:04I know I am.
18:05That's good.
18:08Hi, I'm Will.
18:09Dean.
18:11So, did you come here often, Dean?
18:13I bet you said that to all the girls.
18:18He's got some chutzpah.
18:19I'll give him that.
18:20Anyway, nice to meet you, Dean.
18:21But we're off.
18:22What?
18:23I'm good here, thanks.
18:24Come on, Rachel.
18:25He's getting a bit crowded around here.
18:26Hey, Dean?
18:27I'm sorry, mate.
18:28Look, come on, mate.
18:30You've had a good run.
18:31Believe me, if I was in your shoes and I saw a gorgeous girl sitting on her own,
18:34I'd have made the move, but I'm here now, so...
18:37So what?
18:38So, do the honourable thing and step aside.
18:41Because I was in with her first.
18:42No, you weren't.
18:43Is this guy for real, Holly?
18:44He talks like he's from a black and white film.
18:46Yes, I was.
18:47I stood with you in the queue.
18:48Behind me.
18:49Well, I'm not beside you.
18:51And you specifically asked me if I was coming along tonight.
18:53I have got witnesses.
18:55Well, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.
18:58Evidently.
18:58So, is that it?
18:59Shall I just go away and leave you to it?
19:02Yes.
19:03Go away.
19:04Fine.
19:06Fine.
19:07That's the last you see of me.
19:08Thanks, Dean.
19:09Thanks a lot, mate.
19:12I was starting to go off, Rachel.
19:13She wasn't really my type.
19:15Elsewhere, my friends were faring no better.
19:18You can still smell it.
19:19It's following us.
19:21Simon, I'm not being rude, but I think that smell might be you.
19:24Right.
19:24These shoes do kick up a bit.
19:26Jesus, what the fuck is on your feet?
19:28Oh, no, these aren't my shoes.
19:29I had to borrow them to get in.
19:30Who brings spare shoes to a nightclub?
19:32No one.
19:33I swatched them with a bloke outside the club.
19:35What was he, a tramp?
19:36I think you're supposed to say homeless now.
19:38Sorry, you're wearing a tramp's shoes.
19:41Mate, that is weird.
19:43Yeah.
19:45Maybe.
19:49Just taking some fucking long.
19:51Oh, mate, it's not good.
19:53Get us some bog roll.
19:53It's bleeding.
19:54Look.
19:55Oh, Jesus.
19:56Put it away, Neil.
19:57I can't.
19:57It stings when it rubs on my pants.
19:59Oh.
20:00Take your pants off, then.
20:01But then it'll rub on my jeans.
20:03Neil, no matter what your old man says,
20:05you can't walk around London with your knob hanging out.
20:09I didn't do nothing.
20:11I wasn't doing anything.
20:15So she didn't see the romantic intention behind the tramp shoes?
20:19Not immediately, but if that prick Adam had been there,
20:21it would have been different.
20:22To be fair to him, the smell is appalling.
20:24What happened with Rachel?
20:25Oh, the usual.
20:26She's going quite well.
20:27Then she realised I'm a massive dickhead
20:29and pulled some other bloke.
20:30Right.
20:33Shit here, isn't it?
20:34Yeah.
20:35Shall we go?
20:35Yeah.
20:36Oh, wait.
20:37No, I wasn't wanking.
20:39Oh, great.
20:40My cock's cut.
20:41My cock is cut.
20:43So we were chucked out, out the club.
20:45The actual club chucked us out.
20:47Exactly 25 minutes after it started,
20:49our life as cool London clubbers was over.
20:51So what happened?
20:53I don't know.
20:53All I was doing was looking at the cut on my cock.
20:55Jay was helping me out.
20:57Sorry.
20:57Jay was helping you out.
20:59It's not how it sounds.
21:00Because it sounds like you were watching Neil wanking the toilets.
21:03I wasn't wanking.
21:04I was just rolling it around in my hands.
21:06All right.
21:06Spare us the details.
21:08Oh, fuck.
21:09What if Cardi's getting off with that bloke?
21:11Don't cry, Si.
21:12At least you can get your trainers back.
21:13What?
21:14Fucking beauty.
21:15Oh, that'd be a bastard.
21:18Oh, brilliant.
21:20Well, how have you done that?
21:21What?
21:22You've only had him an hour.
21:23Maybe he's been out.
21:24Technically, he's always out.
21:25Right.
21:26That's it.
21:26Let's go.
21:27I've had enough.
21:28Standing sober in an alleyway,
21:29stinking a piss and wearing a tramp's shoes
21:31was not what I had planned for this evening.
21:33Out of interest,
21:34did you think it would go better or worse than this?
21:36So the night was over
21:37and all we wanted to do now
21:38was get back in Simon's shit car
21:40and go home.
21:41Oh, fuck.
21:44Oh, fuckity fuck.
21:46Fucko.
21:47Oh, shit.
21:48Right, how much money have we got between us?
21:50No, you chose to park here.
21:52You fucking LJ.
21:54Will, sorry, mate.
21:55I don't have any money left.
21:56Get an inkling me out.
21:57I think you'll have to call your dad.
21:59If one in the morning,
22:00he's going to go fucking mental.
22:02And I told him I was staying at Neil's.
22:04Unlock it, Si.
22:04I'm freezing.
22:06He loves you.
22:06I'm sure he'd rather come and get you
22:07than see you suffer.
22:16Dad, it's Simon.
22:18Simon!
22:21Don't panic.
22:22Nothing's wrong.
22:22Just calm down.
22:24No, I'm not dead.
22:25What?
22:25If I'm dead,
22:26how could I be talking to you?
22:27Oi!
22:28You owe me 200 pounds.
22:30I'll call you back.
22:31Sir,
22:32as I'm sure you're aware,
22:33private clamping is illegal.
22:35In addition to that,
22:35it is a week...
22:36I couldn't get my fucking van out.
22:38Look,
22:38I've just called my dad,
22:39and he...
22:39I couldn't give a fuck.
22:40200 pounds,
22:41now!
22:42I don't have it.
22:43We don't have it!
22:46I want...
22:46200 pounds!
22:49Can't you fucking leave?
22:51No fucking parking!
22:52I missed all my fucking delivery.
22:54Carly!
22:55Give my fucking money now!
22:56Carly!
22:57I'll fucking kill you
22:58unless you give me
22:58my fucking money!
22:59Do you still want that list?
23:00I'm not gonna stop.
23:01Where's my money?
23:02No, I'm fine, thanks.
23:04Right.
23:04200 pounds.
23:04See you Monday.
23:06200 pounds!
23:10I'll fucking kill you
23:11unless you give me
23:12my fucking money!
23:13So we had successfully
23:14reinvented ourselves,
23:15but not as the boys
23:16who go clubbing.
23:17Oh no.
23:18We were now the boys
23:19who freaked out girls...
23:20Can you stop staring
23:21at my tits?
23:22...apologised a lot...
23:23I'm really sorry,
23:24I'm really sorry!
23:24...wore tramp shoes
23:25and wanked in public toilets.
23:28My pocket's cut!
23:29I think you've got a big problem.
23:31Please just shut up, Neil.
23:32All right.
23:32Maybe you should try
23:33saying sorry over the over.
23:34Oh, sorry for parking
23:35like a knob.
23:36Oh, just fuck up!
23:39Cool down, Joe.
23:41There's no need to rob me.
23:43It's not really worth it.
23:44You won't make a pretty penny.
23:46Calm down, you can't take my life.
23:49Your knife will cut you
23:50the best slice of the pie.
23:52The light has been in this room.
23:54Forget the lips in my seat.
23:56No excuse to do one over me.
23:59Come back.
24:01What?
24:02What?
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