'Caravan Club' As the guys try to decide what to do for the weekend, Jay convinces them to come to his parents' Caravan Club at Camber Sands as they are having a dance where there are plenty of girls willing to have sex. #tv #comedy
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00:22Hi, I'm Will, and as a special treat, I now get to finish my A-levels at a State Comprehensive.
00:28Posh twat.
00:29Everyone's made me feel very welcome.
00:32Briefcase wanker.
00:33I have made some friends.
00:34Oh, friend!
00:36Unfortunately, it turns out they're bigger losers than me.
00:40Which means while other people get to play pool and hang out, I get to spend my free periods tied
00:45to a chair with a rubbish bin on my head.
00:49What happened to you?
00:50I tripped.
00:52Really?
00:52No, not really, Neil. Donovan's tied me to a chair and he says no one's allowed to touch me. The
00:57prick.
00:57Just so you know, he's stood about ten foot away from us.
01:00Sure you didn't hear that, did he?
01:01Yep, he's heard that one.
01:03Come on, we'll get you out.
01:04Uh, better not, Neil.
01:07Sorry, we're not allowed to untie you.
01:09Fair enough.
01:12So what are we up to this weekend?
01:13Well, you go to Bluewater.
01:14A shopping centre?
01:16Great.
01:16You know how much I love chavs.
01:18Bluewater's not chavvy.
01:19It's quality.
01:20I go there all the time.
01:21I rest my taste.
01:21To be fair, they've now got a Nando's.
01:23The hallmark of quality.
01:25I actually like Nando's.
01:26Yeah, well, whatever you sad ex-gumsy this weekend, I won't be there.
01:30Oh, no.
01:31Who will supply the witticisms?
01:32I'll be up to my nuts in some guts, shagging those two sisters from Caravan Club.
01:36It's the Canberra Sands meeting this weekend, which is always like a massive orgy.
01:40Except it's not, though, is it?
01:41It's holidays for old people.
01:43I'm sorry.
01:44Did someone say something?
01:45Where's Binboy giving it the big'un?
01:47It's just funny how you never get any girls around here,
01:49and yet away on Caravan Club, you're like some sort of gypsy Russell Brand.
01:53Yeah, well, I wouldn't shag any of the skanky girls around here, mate.
01:55Except for your mum, obviously.
01:57Get in the queue.
01:58Brilliant.
01:58If you don't believe me, then you lot should come down to Canberra Sands.
02:01Even Binboy might get some sex.
02:03Alright.
02:03I'm definitely up for that.
02:05Yeah.
02:05Love to.
02:08Well, you don't have to.
02:09No.
02:10If I have to sleep in a caravan to prove you're lying,
02:12then I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
02:14Fine.
02:15Good.
02:15Good.
02:16Come down.
02:18Then we'll see who's lying.
02:19Yes.
02:19You.
02:20You're lying.
02:22Mark?
02:23Can we untie him now?
02:24Nah.
02:25Sorry, mate.
02:26See you at lunch.
02:27See you then.
02:28Oh, shit.
02:29It's Gilbert.
02:30Good.
02:30Now Donovan's in trouble.
02:32Oh, don't grass.
02:33Cooper.
02:34Sutherland.
02:35Cartwright.
02:36And who have we under here?
02:39Mackenzie, sir.
02:40Well, let me guess.
02:41No-one saw how this happened.
02:43I suppose you tripped.
02:44No, sir.
02:44What happened is-
02:45Sorry, Mackenzie.
02:46You're not about to grass, aren't you?
02:47Sir?
02:48There's one thing no-one likes.
02:49It's a grass.
02:50So I will ask you how this happened and you will reply, I tripped.
02:54But, sir, if no-one reported crimes, the justice system would collapse and-
02:58I'll ask you again.
02:59How did this happen?
03:01I tripped.
03:03Clumsy.
03:07Thanks to Gilbert's disdain for informers, I was left tied to the chair for the rest of
03:10the day.
03:11Guys?
03:12The one good thing is we called Jay's bluff.
03:14This was the classic win-win situation.
03:17If by some miracle, Caravan Club was full of girls, then we might get laid.
03:21But if it was full of weird old people and chavs, which it would be, then Jay would never
03:26live it down.
03:26So with high hopes, we hit the open road in Simon's shitty little yellow car.
03:33How fast can this thing go, then, do you reckon?
03:34Well, it's a special edition, so I reckon it could probably top a ton.
03:38Bollocks.
03:39It easily could.
03:40It's a pretty good car.
03:42I thought your dad had forbidden you from going over 50.
03:44Yeah, well, he's not here, is he?
03:45And he couldn't do it anyway.
03:47Right.
03:47We'll see.
03:5480's pretty good.
03:55We can leave it there.
03:56Go on, Si.
03:57Oh my God, we're gonna die.
04:00Simon, if you survive and I don't, give this message to my mum.
04:03Simon kills me.
04:05My arms are hurting a bit now.
04:0798.
04:1099.
04:13100 miles an hour!
04:14100 miles an hour!
04:16Oh, thank Christ.
04:17Told you.
04:18Oh, I'm sorry.
04:18Yeah, not too bad.
04:21Oh, can you get that?
04:24It's from Jay.
04:27No idea what it says, but I'm pretty sure it's not English.
04:30There's an I, then an H, then a V...
04:33Oh, give it here.
04:35That...
04:36He says he wants us to pick him up at the garage just outside Canber Sands
04:40and he'll show us how to get to the caravan park.
04:42Thank you, Dr. Doolittle.
04:45What?
04:47Because he...
04:47He talks to the animals.
04:49I'm not following you.
04:52Oh.
04:53And he's also buying a jumbo pack of ribbed Johnnies.
04:56Does anyone else need some?
05:01Despite Simon's best efforts, we made it to Canber Sands alive.
05:04We'd arranged to meet Jay at the service station
05:06and though Simon could just about drive a car,
05:08getting petrol into it still remained a mystery.
05:12Ah!
05:14Mmm!
05:19Christ!
05:20Forgot about this shit heap.
05:22I don't think even I can help you get laid in that.
05:24Have you ever used one of these before?
05:25It's fucking broken. This should reach.
05:27You sure you actually passed your test?
05:29Yes.
05:29How many times did you have to suck off the instructor?
05:32You want to park it a bit closer, Si?
05:34Yeah, thanks, Neil.
05:34Pump number six.
05:35Please park closer.
05:37Told ya.
05:37This is embarrassing.
05:38I'm gonna go check out the clunge mags.
05:41Well, wait for me.
05:42Pump number six.
05:43Do you need assistance?
05:44I think I might go and stretch my legs a bit, too.
05:54What's so funny, then?
05:55It's your mum in this mag.
05:56Yes, very droll.
05:57Well done.
05:58No, look.
05:58It really looks like your mum's face.
06:02Yes.
06:05Erm...
06:05No.
06:06Oh, that is definitely your mum's snatch.
06:08I just got a text from this girl at the caravan club.
06:10Oh, yeah, is it Becky?
06:11Yeah.
06:12Yeah, I texted you your photo.
06:13What's she say?
06:14Hi, Simon.
06:14My name's Becky.
06:15Liked your photo.
06:16Jay says you've got a cool car as well.
06:18See you later.
06:18Smiley face.
06:19Well, she's seen a picture of you.
06:21Let's get back one of her.
06:22With her tits out.
06:23Might be a bit early in the relationship for that, Neil.
06:25She is filthy.
06:26Still a bit early, I reckon.
06:28What shall I write?
06:29Spread them.
06:30I'll be there in half an hour.
06:31Or...
06:32So lovely to hear from you.
06:33It will be a pleasure to meet up.
06:35P.S. I'm a puffer.
06:36Don't put the P.S.
06:38All right.
06:38I've put...
06:39Can't wait to meet up.
06:40How will I know what you look like?
06:42Smiley face at the end?
06:43Smiley with a wink.
06:44It's cheeky.
06:45No, the winky face is the mark of a moron.
06:47I've sent it.
07:00Is that Leona Lewis?
07:01Oh, it's a picture of her with her sister Suzanne.
07:03Are they kissing?
07:04Wait, let me see.
07:05Oh, please be lesbo.
07:06Oh.
07:07Fit enough.
07:08I told you there was Fitbirds and there's plenty more where they came from.
07:12I think I am actually going to get laid.
07:14Oh, my God.
07:15Sisters.
07:16That's so horny.
07:17First rule of Caravan Club is that everyone gets some.
07:20Second rule of Caravan Club is don't tell anyone about the first rule because it's a massive lie.
07:23Yeah, well, we'll see about that, won't we?
07:25Yes, we will.
07:27Pump number six, please.
07:29And these.
07:30And them.
07:34What about for these?
07:41Okay, admittedly Jay knew some girls.
07:44But driving into the Caravan Park, it didn't look like the kind of place you'd have an orgy.
07:48It looked like a field with some old tents in it.
07:54Welcome to my world.
07:56Where are all these women then?
07:57There's loads.
07:58Just look around ya.
07:59Where?
08:00Everywhere.
08:01What about her?
08:02She's about 12, Jay.
08:04Nah, she's older than that.
08:05Believe me.
08:06Christ.
08:07What sort of camp have we come to?
08:09Oh, here they come.
08:11Becky?
08:11Suzanne?
08:12Hi, Jay.
08:13This is Simon I was telling you about.
08:15Hello.
08:15Hello.
08:16Thanks for your text.
08:17Nice car.
08:18Thanks.
08:19It's not actually from Hawaii, it just says it on the back.
08:21I like it.
08:23Are you guys coming to the party later?
08:24Yeah, definitely.
08:26Great, I'll see you later then.
08:30That one has fucked everyone.
08:33I've slung one up here a few times myself.
08:34And who exactly is everyone, Jay?
08:37That old man over there?
08:39Has he had a go on her?
08:40Look, I promise you that when you go back from this place,
08:42you'll be begging your parents to buy a caravan.
08:45I'm not sure Neil's dad could afford a caravan.
08:46If he thought of it as a mobile closet, I'm sure he'd find the money.
08:49My dad's not bent.
08:50Well, we only have your word for that, Neil.
08:51My dad's not bent.
08:52Yeah.
08:53You would say that though.
08:54Jay!
08:56Dinner's ready.
08:57Right then, dickheads.
08:58Mum's made your tea, so park up and I'll meet you in the caravan.
09:01Tea in a caravan.
09:03I've finally hit rock bottom.
09:06There you go, boys.
09:09Some lovely salad to go with your sausages.
09:14Thanks, Mrs Cartwright.
09:15It's my pleasure.
09:26This is really delicious, Mrs Cartwright.
09:28Oh.
09:30Oh.
09:34Oh.
09:36Cool.
09:37Crisps.
09:39Have you got any ketchup?
09:44Oh.
09:49Jesus Christ.
09:50My eyes are burning.
09:52All right, boys.
09:53You coming to the dance tonight, then?
09:55Yes, Mr Cartwright.
09:57I've lined Simon up with a girl dad.
09:58Finally.
09:59Someone's going to take advantage of all the birds down here.
10:01Jay's about as much use as a nun's tits.
10:03Well, leave him alone, Terry.
10:05You're embarrassing him.
10:06Delicious crisps, Mrs Cartwright.
10:08Thanks, Will.
10:08Yeah.
10:09She opened the packet herself.
10:12Don't you boys just love it out here?
10:14Sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.
10:16Right.
10:17Well, we'd best be getting ready, Dad.
10:18Maybe see you later.
10:19Yeah, I'll be there.
10:20Fighting the girls off with a shitty stick.
10:23I don't think I'll need that stick.
10:25Looking back, I should have realised that Mr Cartwright's explosive bows were a sign of
10:29things to come.
10:38So the big night was finally here.
10:40The caravan club disco and all its delights of the flesh lay just inside a giant garden shed.
10:58As predicted, this is shit.
11:01I drove all the way here for this.
11:03It's just getting started.
11:04Give it a minute.
11:05Oh, tune!
11:17He's actually quite good.
11:19I'm going to get some hummus.
11:25Your ride for the evening is here.
11:27Do you really think she'll shag me?
11:29Of course.
11:29Why else do you think they come caravanning?
11:31Fresh air?
11:32That text was her way of telling you it is on.
11:34Oh, shit.
11:35Amazing.
11:36I feel a bit weird, though, because I always thought I'd lose it with Carly.
11:39Listen to me.
11:40That bird Becky's an animal.
11:42She'll fuck you till you're blind and teach you all sorts.
11:44When Carly finds out she's going to be two things, jealous and wet, because now she'll know you're a stud.
11:50Do you really think so?
11:51Of course.
11:52Also, Carly doesn't really fancy you, so if you're waiting to lose it with her, you're going to be waiting
11:56until you're dead.
11:57I think she likes me a bit, though.
11:59No, she doesn't.
12:00She thinks you're a twat.
12:01Becky likes you, and she likes sex.
12:04It's the perfect combination.
12:06Just don't go for anal straight away.
12:08Okay.
12:10Thanks, man.
12:10No problem.
12:11Look, here they come.
12:12Don't worry.
12:13I'll distract Fatty Bum Bum with the buffet.
12:18So amazingly, it looked like Simon might actually pull, if he could bring himself to speak to her.
12:24As for the rest of us, I wasn't holding my breath.
12:29Well, I'd imagine it's a sense of freedom that you don't get with other holidays.
12:32Can I get you some more hummus, William?
12:34Delicious, thank you very much.
12:35Why are you talking to the pensioners?
12:37Oh, just taking the piss.
12:40What, by eating hummus?
12:42Yeah.
12:43Would you rather eat hummus or take me somewhere quiet?
12:45I think I'd rather take you somewhere quiet.
12:48Come over here, then.
12:50Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
12:52I'm Will, and I like hummus.
12:54There, I've said it.
12:56Will, two things.
12:57For the next few hours, I don't need you to be charming or sophisticated or even interesting.
13:02I just need you to be willing.
13:03Can you handle that?
13:04I think so.
13:05Good.
13:06And second.
13:07Kiss me.
13:08Right.
13:09Okay.
13:14What are you doing?
13:15I just need a moment.
13:16I'm going to take you outside and I want you to fuck me.
13:18Really?
13:19Yes.
13:20I mean, hang on.
13:21I mean, we barely know each other.
13:22We should get to know each other a bit first, shouldn't we?
13:24I mean, come on.
13:26We're young.
13:28Let's have some fun and then fall exhausted into each other's arms.
13:32I've got an idea.
13:33Did you ever used to skid as a child?
13:35I used to love it.
13:37Come on.
13:39Let's skid.
13:41Woo.
13:43Woo.
13:44Get your shoes off.
13:46It's numerating.
13:50Where are you going?
13:52Don't you want to skid?
13:53No.
13:53What about our lovemaking?
13:55Lovemaking.
13:56Gone off it.
13:57Sorry.
14:00Oh.
14:02Oi!
14:03My shoes!
14:05Give me back my shoes!
14:09Hi.
14:11Somehow, in three minutes, I'd gone from guaranteed sex to being bullied by eight-year-olds.
14:16And I'm still not entirely sure how that happened.
14:24Right, Dad, I thought you was coming to the party.
14:25Yeah, I was.
14:26I popped my head in the door and saw you chatting up some fat birds, so I didn't want to
14:29cram my style.
14:30I wasn't chatting her up.
14:31I was keeping her busy while Simon was talking to her mate.
14:34Don't be embarrassed, son.
14:35If I was as bad with the ladies as you, I'd have moved on to the fatties months ago.
14:40Oh, hello, it's all right, Jay.
14:41You all right, Will?
14:42You got any action, then?
14:43Um, yeah.
14:44I pulled a girl, actually.
14:45Fuck off.
14:46No way.
14:47So where's she now, then?
14:48Cleaning up a beaver for you?
14:50Er...
14:51No.
14:51She went off.
14:52Oh, well, plenty more fish in the sea.
14:54Jay's harpooned himself a whale.
14:56Give it a rest, Dad.
14:57I already told you it's not like that.
14:59Yeah, and I told you not to be so fussy and to get stuck in.
15:02You're more likely to get somewhere with a fatso because they're grateful for the attention.
15:06Even from a loser like you.
15:09Dad.
15:09They say any port in a storm.
15:11And she was the size of a fucking port.
15:13I know what you're up to.
15:14You think, because she's so massive, she'll count as two shags.
15:18Well, she doesn't.
15:21I'll get plenty of girls.
15:22No, you bloody don't.
15:23And even if you did, what could you do with that thing?
15:26It's like a McDonald's chip.
15:27Oh, Dad.
15:28You'd definitely take after your mum in the cock size department.
15:31She ain't got one either.
15:32Dad, can you just leave me alone for once?
15:36All right, all right.
15:37Bloody hell, he's just like his mum.
15:39Make one little joke and he has a shit fit.
15:41Fuck this.
15:47Are these the only toilets then?
15:54Oh, God.
15:55I'll give trap number two a couple of minutes.
15:57I had eggs for lunch.
16:23Not too much.
16:25Yes, sir.
16:31Shall we go outside, then?
16:32Yeah, all right.
16:37Fucking hell.
16:38Is this really happening?
16:40I'm going to have sex, aren't I?
16:42At last.
16:43Thanks for sorting this, Jay.
16:45Fill this up for me.
16:47Thanks so much, mate.
16:49Nice one.
16:57Gotcha.
16:58Ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:07Mr Cartwright, you seem to be splashing me a bit.
17:10Who stole your shoes?
17:11Oh, just some kids.
17:13Kids? You let them get away with that.
17:16Laughing at you while you're standing in your piss.
17:18I think it's mostly your piss.
17:20Go and get them. Show them who's boss.
17:22Yeah, OK, I will.
17:27Better out than in.
17:30I'm going to go now, then.
17:34Yeah.
17:36Yeah.
17:49Yeah.
17:50Give me half a chance.
17:53I'm curious.
17:54Are you subversively mocking this place?
17:56Are you actually enjoying this hell?
17:58I'm sorry.
17:59I have no idea what you're talking about.
18:01It's only takes a minute, girl.
18:03It's only takes a minute, girl.
18:05It's a fire.
18:08You've ripped my top.
18:09Oh, God.
18:10Sorry.
18:10You just turned me on so much.
18:12My parents will see me.
18:20What the hell are you doing?
18:22It's a condom.
18:23I thought we should be safe.
18:23Why have you got a condom on?
18:25I'm not going to have sex with you.
18:27You're not.
18:28But Jay said...
18:29Jay said what?
18:30Well, he said...
18:32What?
18:33What did Jay say?
18:42Hey, how's it feel to be a man, then?
18:44You fucking liar.
18:46You shagged her and her sister, have you?
18:48Loose are times, yeah?
18:50Untold.
18:51Really?
18:51Because she didn't seem that keen,
18:52and her sister's 13 years old.
18:55Well, I haven't actually shagged her and her sister exactly,
18:57but other similar girls.
19:00Well, thanks for the condom.
19:01I'll be lucky if I'm not on some sort of paedophile register
19:03by the end of the night.
19:05Oh, fuck.
19:06She's talking to her parents.
19:07We better go.
19:08Where's Neil?
19:08Don't know and don't care.
19:09Let's get out of here.
19:10Will, we're off.
19:12Will, come on!
19:20Prick.
19:22And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse,
19:25I then had to spend a night in a caravan
19:27with Jay's dad and his irritable bowel.
19:32Thanks very much for your hospitality, Mrs Cartwright.
19:34See you soon, Mr Cartwright.
19:35Cheers, lads.
19:36Oh, and Simon.
19:37Don't worry about that Becky business.
19:39Her dad's calmed down now.
19:41We're all your age once.
19:42At least you had a pop, unlike soppy bollocks here.
19:45Um, thanks.
19:46Yeah, don't mention it.
19:47Now, just try not to rape anyone on the way out.
19:52I don't see why I should ever talk to you again,
19:54let alone give you a lift home.
19:55Look, you're just angry because you didn't get laid.
19:58Yeah, that's it.
19:58Let's just get out of this dump
20:00and please God, don't let me ever have to come back to a caravan park.
20:04All right.
20:04Where have you been?
20:05Oh, I've slept in the car.
20:07Shall we go then?
20:08Shotgun.
20:16My seat's a bit wet.
20:18Mine is too.
20:18Yeah, it's wet here as well.
20:20Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?
20:22It's not really new.
20:24Did you wet yourself?
20:25No.
20:26But I did have a bird back in here.
20:28You fucked a girl in my car?
20:29No, it's too small.
20:31Did a lot of fingering though.
20:32She banged me off a few times.
20:33Oh, God!
20:36Get me out of here!
20:38Oh, God!
20:41Oh, God!
20:42Oh, God!
20:43Oh, God!
20:45Oh, God!
20:46Oh, God!
20:47Oh, God!
20:47Disgusting.
20:49Thanks, Neil.
20:50Who was she then?
20:51Some sort of punky redhead.
20:53She was nice.
20:54She was mine!
20:55Oh, God!
20:57Oh, sure, we can't stay here.
20:58Well, I'm not getting back in the spunk-mobile.
21:00Clean it up, Neil.
21:02Why?
21:02Because you have spunked on my seats!
21:05Oh, God!
21:05This weekend has been a disaster.
21:09Well, one good thing is we've got the caravan club is shit and the J is a liar.
21:13Oh, I'm such a liar.
21:15Then Neil got some.
21:16No, no.
21:16I said Neil got some.
21:18You lied.
21:18Clean it up, Neil.
21:19It's your car.
21:21Did Neil get some?
21:21It's your spunk.
21:22Some of it could be a juice.
21:24Did Neil get any?
21:25That's all the point.
21:25Yes or no, did Neil get some?
21:27You lied.
21:28No, no.
21:28For petrol money.
21:29You lied.
21:30For petrol.
21:31You lied.
21:31Money for petrol.
21:32That's a lie.
21:34I'm not sure what we learned from this whole sorry episode, apart from never take advice
21:38from Jay.
21:39But Jay said...
21:40Jay said what?
21:41When you are offered sex, don't skid.
21:43Woo!
21:44And never, never follow Mr. Cartwright into the toilet.
21:48My eyes are burning.
21:49But as we stood arguing on the side of the A2, one thing was for sure.
21:54Neil can produce an unholy amount of spunk.
21:56I don't want this clean now.
21:58Oh, it's in your car, so it's yours.
22:00Oh, I don't know.
22:01If I spunk on you, that's yours.
22:03Is it?
22:04No, you are just fucking disgusting.
22:09Oh, the boy's a slag.
22:11The best you ever had.
22:13The best you ever had is just a memory.
22:18And those dreams, when as daft as they seem, as daft as they seem, my love, when you dream
22:30Oh, I don't know.
22:33You
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