'Trip to Warwick' Anxious to be alone so they can have s*x Tara suggests to Simon they visit her sister Sophie at Warwick University but the other boys insist on coming too. #tv #series #comedy
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00:21I've not seen a lot of Simon in the past few weeks because he had a new hobby.
00:24Spending as much time as was humanly possible munching his girlfriend's face off.
00:31Hi, hi, what's going on in here?
00:33What the bloody fuck do you think you're doing?
00:34Language.
00:35Coming to check up on you.
00:36Check up on me? What are you? Like the thought narcissist police?
00:40Hello, Tara.
00:41Hello, Miss Scooper.
00:42Jesus Christ, we're just studying.
00:43Yeah, but you don't do biology.
00:45Is that supposed to be funny?
00:46We'd like you to stick to what we agreed, Simon.
00:48We don't mind you having girls up here, but you've got to leave the door open.
00:52Yeah, so that we don't miss any of the good stuff.
00:54Jesus.
00:55Only kidding, Tara, but seriously, you do have to keep the door open.
00:57Yes, fine.
00:58We'll leave you then.
00:59Yep.
01:00Leave you to it.
01:02Oh, go away, you sad man.
01:07I don't remember if they come back.
01:09They won't.
01:10So, shh, they'll hear.
01:12God, I'm just so horny.
01:13I know you are.
01:14Look, it feels like we've been going out for ages now, so I was thinking we should, you know, have
01:22sex.
01:24I'm sorry?
01:25I'm ready.
01:26I mean, we love each other, right?
01:28Yeah.
01:29So, I was trying to work out where.
01:32Where we could be alone, away from our parents and everyone.
01:35Down the bottom of the garden?
01:36What?
01:37There are some bushes down the bottom of my garden.
01:38We could do it there.
01:39I'm pretty sure you can't be seen from the house.
01:40Simon, I'm not having sex in your garden.
01:44What about in my car?
01:46Oh!
01:46I know it's not perfect, but I think we both need to compromise, yeah?
01:49Yeah?
01:50Look, my sister is at Warwick Uni.
01:52It's not too far and she's always saying I should go and visit.
01:55I've told her I'm coming up with you for the weekend.
01:58Right.
01:59Great.
02:00Why?
02:01So we can have lovely sex together.
02:03This weekend?
02:04Yep.
02:05Lovely.
02:06That would be lovely.
02:07The sex.
02:09You do want to make love to me, don't you?
02:13Yeah.
02:15Well, tell me then.
02:17Talk to me to get me in the mood.
02:20I like imagining things.
02:23Um, is this like dirty talk?
02:25Yes, Simon.
02:27Just try it.
02:28It's naughty.
02:29Okay.
02:30Um, well, I'd like to kiss your boobs.
02:36Oh, good.
02:37See, I like that.
02:38Good.
02:39Okay.
02:39Well, God, my penis is really hard for you.
02:44Oh, and what are you going to do to me?
02:46I'm going to fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat.
02:52Um, okay.
02:55Oh, God.
02:56Fuck off!
02:59Open that door!
03:00Simon had hit the jackpot.
03:02A girl who still wanted to have sex with him, even after getting to know him.
03:05Which meant I got to spend some quality time with Jay and Neil.
03:09Low quality time.
03:10Oi, Neil.
03:12Do you know about Chris Wharton from the paper shop?
03:13No, what?
03:14He was mucking about up the wreck, got his head wedged in the bottle bank, got stuck there
03:17all night.
03:18By the time someone found him in the morning, he'd been arse raped 18 times.
03:22Oh, mate, that's grim.
03:23I have a few questions.
03:25About what?
03:26Well, one, why was he sticking his head in the bottle bank?
03:28Looking for bottles, you mug.
03:30Okay.
03:30Number two, what you're saying is the first 18 people to have discovered him in this state
03:34just happen to be opportunistic homosexual rapists.
03:37Looks like it.
03:38Hey, where was your dad last night, Neil?
03:40Badminton, why?
03:41Of course he was.
03:42And finally, why, after what was at best to humiliate an evening, would he as the victim
03:46tell anyone, let alone you, about it?
03:48I used to sit next to him in woodwork.
03:50Of course.
03:51Well, thanks for clearing that up.
03:52Much as I'm enjoying our morning chats, I can't doubt wishing Simon was around more.
03:56Who?
03:57Simon.
03:58No, you can forget about him, mate.
04:00He's probably off with his girlfriend.
04:01Yeah, as per usual.
04:03Girlfriend.
04:03Yeah, he's all like, oh, everyone, look at me, I've got a girlfriend and I love going
04:07round her house and listening to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending
04:11that she's fit when she's not even really that fit.
04:13Who's not that fit?
04:14Your mum.
04:15Nice.
04:15She isn't, though.
04:16You can say what you like, because guess who's going to get laid this weekend?
04:19Don't know.
04:20Is it someone famous?
04:21It's me, Neil.
04:22Well, don't say before I've guessed.
04:23Not really.
04:25Really?
04:26Shit, that's amazing.
04:27With Tara.
04:28We're going to our sister's house in Warwick.
04:29Oh, it's going to be brilliant.
04:30This is a big deal.
04:31A very big deal.
04:33I know.
04:33You got your plan of action all sorted, then?
04:35You know, for the shagging.
04:36The what?
04:36No.
04:37The what?
04:38Oh, shit.
04:39Oh, fucking hell.
04:40Good luck, then.
04:41I don't need a plan.
04:43Uh-oh.
04:43Oh, mate, you're in serious trouble.
04:45Of course you need a plan.
04:47Bloke I knew didn't have a plan on his first time.
04:49Went in too quick.
04:50Broke his knob in half.
04:52Bollocks.
04:52You don't need a plan.
04:53I didn't have a plan with Charlotte.
04:54Oh, right.
04:55And how did that go?
04:56I pogoed on her stomach five seconds.
04:57She asked me to leave and I'm still a virgin.
04:59That's not the point.
04:59No offence, Will, but I really don't want any sexual advice from you.
05:02I have taken some offence.
05:03It'll be fine.
05:04I'll be okay.
05:05I just need to get some condoms, that's all.
05:06Oh, for fuck's sake, don't wear a Johnny.
05:09It's a guaranteed hard-on killer.
05:11That's why they called it safe sex, because you can't get it up.
05:13Well, that isn't the reason.
05:14Look, if you have to bag it up, at least get her to put it on for you.
05:17That way you might get a few more seconds of wood.
05:19Really?
05:19Does that work?
05:20Yeah, get her to pop it on with her mouth.
05:22Oh, mouth's a good idea.
05:23Or arsehole.
05:24What?
05:25Sometimes I like to get them to put it on with their bum.
05:27Back into it.
05:28I don't know if I can ask her that.
05:29It's her first time, too.
05:30Yeah, it's probably a bit specialist.
05:32But you're going to have to do something if you want to stay hard.
05:34Oh, God, this is a nightmare.
05:36Should I write this down?
05:36These are the basics, mate.
05:38If you want, me and Neil can come along, talk you through it beforehand.
05:41Make sure you don't embarrass yourself.
05:43Really?
05:45What about a minge, Jay?
05:47You never even mentioned that.
05:48We've not even started on the minge.
05:51Now, the minge has two main parts.
05:53The flaps and the clitty.
05:55What about the hole?
05:56All right, three.
05:57It's mainly all about the clitty.
05:59Oh, God.
06:00Jay's encyclopedic sex tips continued all day, from analingus to a zookeeper he once fucked.
06:05And as we walked home, he had even more good news for Simon.
06:08Right, so I made a few calls, moved some stuff around, some good news.
06:11Me and Neil can come with you to help out.
06:13That's going to look weird, isn't it?
06:14Well, it'll look weird when you're trying to fuck her in the air because she don't know what you're doing.
06:17And what am I going to tell Tara when she asks why you're there?
06:20Oh, I don't know.
06:20Just tell her we're your mates and have known you longer than she has and to shut her fucking whining.
06:25And you could mention I've got a lot of fingering experience.
06:27Fine, God, all right.
06:28Nice one.
06:29And then, while you're finally putting your knob to good use, me and Neil will be tapping up the campus
06:33clunge.
06:34Won't university be a bit boring, though? Just like a load of wheels hanging around.
06:37No! Everyone knows it's where posh birds go to set their gash free.
06:40Nice.
06:41Oh, and, Si, as we're doing you a favour, I'm not paying petrol money.
06:44Fine, whatever. I'll pick you up at one.
06:46Cool. See you tomorrow, then.
06:47Well, you're definitely not coming.
06:49But Rory's one of my choices, so...
06:51So what? Go to the open day. Don't come with me when I'm trying to get laid.
06:54All right, look. The truth is, I don't want to be left out.
06:58I get lonely.
07:00Oh, for fuck's sake. All right, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
07:04So Simon whisked Tara away for their romantic weekend.
07:07And it's fair to say it wasn't exactly as she'd imagined it.
07:11I bet you've never had a boyfriend with a car this embarrassing, eh, Tara?
07:14Actually, I like Simon's car.
07:16It's so tragic, at least I know he's not out picking up girls, innit?
07:19Oh, Christ, she's done you!
07:22Oh, I've picked up girls before in this.
07:23No, you haven't.
07:24Yeah, I have.
07:25And did you make these girls sit in the back, too, because you made good shotgun?
07:28It's the rules.
07:29It is the rules, Tara.
07:30Can you slow down a bit at least, Simon?
07:33I get Tara, sorry.
07:35Well, you're doing fucking 65.
07:36I get car sick, especially in the back.
07:39There's no rush. Let's enjoy the drive.
07:41Yes, this really is one of the more beautiful stretches of anonymous British motorway.
07:44It's not Tara's fault she gets car sick.
07:46I can speak for myself, Simon.
07:48Ooh!
07:49Jay, shut up!
07:52Ow! Something hard's digging into my leg!
07:55Oh, don't look at me. Although it could reach from here.
07:57Shit, what's this?
07:59Oh, that's mine.
08:00Why are you taking a four-litre bottle of Orange Aid to Warwick?
08:02I like it. Being a good guest, bring a bottle and that.
08:04Bring a bottle means alcohol, now.
08:06No, everyone likes Orange Aid. You make cocktails with it, like vodka and Orange Aid, or whiskey and Orange Aid,
08:12or wine and Orange Aid.
08:13Those aren't cocktails, that's just the names of some drinks with Orange Aid added to the end.
08:17Yeah, well, at least I'm being polite.
08:18Well, thank you, Neil. I'm sure my sister will appreciate it.
08:21Yeah, I know what she wouldn't appreciate.
08:24Oh, no, Neil, you haven't.
08:26What?
08:27Unbelievable.
08:27Oh, my God, that stinks!
08:30Neil, have you farted again?
08:32Not sure. Could be fart, could be worse.
08:34Oh, for fuck's sake, open a window.
08:36You need to see a bowel specialist.
08:37Or he could ask his dad. He likes inspecting men's anuses.
08:40Oh, I've been really ill. Simon, can you pull over?
08:42Oh, calm down. It was only a sausage and egg McMuffin.
08:45Oh!
08:47Oh, there's the hash brown.
08:48Jesus Christ!
08:49Simon, please open a window!
08:52Fortunately, Neil's McFarks calmed down just outside Warwick, which is more than could be said for Tara.
08:58Either they're getting the train back or I am.
08:59Look, it'll be fine. Let's just remember why we're here, yeah?
09:02I don't know there'll be so many of you.
09:03They've just come to hang out, OK?
09:05Apart from him, he's lonely.
09:07No.
09:07You see, some of us are going to university next year, so I thought I'd come along, check the place
09:11out,
09:11maybe even make a few friends, just in case, you know, worst comes to worst and I end up at
09:14Warwick.
09:15Meaning?
09:15Well, just, you know, it's not my first choice.
09:17It's your last choice, isn't it?
09:18But it is a choice. I think that's the key point here.
09:21I brought some orange aid for the party.
09:22There isn't a party.
09:23Well, we could make it a party.
09:24No, you couldn't.
09:25God, it's bad enough that Joe's idiotic friends descend in our front room practically every night.
09:29Oh, is he still a nightmare?
09:30Oh, God, he's a complete tool.
09:31All he does is drink.
09:32I don't know why we agreed to share with him.
09:34Joe. Interesting.
09:35Bit of a social hub, is he?
09:37The big man on campus.
09:38The go-to guy.
09:42Right, well, Christian's away, so I suppose those three can sleep in his room.
09:45I'll share with Heiko, although she's got the flu, that'll probably mean me catching it too.
09:48And Tyra, you and him can have my room.
09:50Oh, thanks, sis.
09:51I'm not mad-king the idea of you having sex at all.
09:53But at least this way, I know you're doing it somewhere comfortable.
09:55Oh, absolutely.
09:56Only in her vagina.
09:58I meant in my bed.
10:00Um, so did I.
10:02Why'd you say vagina, then?
10:04Hmm.
10:07Come on, Tyra.
10:08I'll show you where the condoms and spare sheets are.
10:10Nice to meet you, Sophie.
10:12Who's Heiko?
10:14Flatmate.
10:14Fit, apparently.
10:15Dutch.
10:16Oh, I've never met a Dutch.
10:17Always the filthiest.
10:18And you know that, do you?
10:19Yes, I fucked a Dutch girl.
10:20Bollocks, never been to Holland.
10:21Yeah, I have.
10:22It was the West Ham under-13's football tour.
10:24Oh, right.
10:25And what did she do to you when you were 12 that was so filthy?
10:27Give you a blowjob in a windmill?
10:28Wank you off with clogs?
10:30Nah, look, it was properly filthy.
10:32I shouldn't tell.
10:33Try us.
10:34All right.
10:36Well, when I think of her, she's shit down my arm.
10:43Shall we go and look where we're sleeping, then?
10:44Yeah.
10:45And to think, I used to associate Holland with tulips.
10:58We'd only travelled as far as Warwick University, but Sophie's flatmate Joe and his friends seem to speak a different
11:04language.
11:04Ah, good evening, Commander Bombardier.
11:07Good evening, Admiral.
11:08All right, Sophie.
11:09All right, Sophie, where's this little sister of yours, then?
11:11She's upstairs with her boyfriend.
11:13Ooh, boyfriend denied.
11:15Denied.
11:16Denied.
11:17Come in, gentlemen, and we'll commence.
11:18Don't break anything.
11:49All right, Specky.
11:49Have a super fun night.
11:51Oh, we will have a super fun night.
11:53Most definitely.
11:54Great.
11:55Yep.
11:59Bye to you.
12:03Fucking hell, she's fit.
12:04Yeah?
12:05She looks like she loves cock.
12:06Do you have to do it different with a Dutch bird?
12:08There are three things you need to know about European birds, Neil.
12:10They're filthy, they're hairy, and they don't mind it if you wipe it on the curtains.
12:16I'd always imagined my evenings at uni would consist of study, heated intellectual debate, and avoiding elderly homosexual lecturers.
12:23The reality at Warwick was a little different.
12:26Next game is Fuzzy Duck.
12:28Duckmaster General, to my left, Fuzzy Duck.
12:30Fuzzy Duck.
12:31Does he?
12:31Fuzzy Duck.
12:32Ah!
12:33Oh, no!
12:34Hey, fellas.
12:36You don't mind if I join you, do you?
12:37Ooh, questions.
12:38Two fingers.
12:39What?
12:40What does two fingers mean?
12:41Two fingers are what?
12:44Pointing.
12:44A fine admiral.
12:45And the fine is...
12:47Oh!
12:50Oh!
12:51You okay?
12:52Oh, no!
12:53Come on!
12:54All right, but after that, can we talk normally for a bit?
12:55Just about warring them.
12:56Questions!
12:57Down it!
12:58Down it!
12:59Down it!
13:00Fine, I'm going to drink it anyway, for fuck's sake.
13:02Down it!
13:02Down it!
13:03Get it down, you Zulu warrior.
13:05Get it down, you Zulu.
13:07What?
13:08Zulu?
13:09What is Zulu?
13:10What's going on?
13:10Question!
13:11Down it!
13:12I honestly have no idea.
13:13Can I play?
13:14Questions!
13:15It seems like a vaguely racist, moronic drinking game, but as these guys were students, I assumed
13:21it was irony.
13:21In the kitchen, nothing ironic was happening.
13:28Not in the kitchen, please, I eat in the kitchen, I eat in here.
13:30Hi, Sophie.
13:31Hi.
13:31Tara, did you find those towels to put down?
13:33Yep.
13:33And the flannel?
13:34Yeah.
13:35Well, just remember, it's when you're ready, not when he's ready, okay?
13:38It doesn't have to be tonight, and it certainly doesn't have to be in the kitchen.
13:40So, what is it you're studying, Sophie?
13:42You probably won't enjoy it, but just make sure you don't regret it, okay?
13:45English, was it?
13:46Jesus, give it a rest, please.
13:48Look, I'm only saying these things because I love you, yeah?
13:50Yeah, I know, but Simon loves me too.
13:53Does he?
13:53I should go and check on the others.
13:55No, don't worry.
13:56I'm going.
13:58Bye, Sophie.
13:59Great to chat.
14:01I think she really likes you.
14:03She seems like she hates me.
14:05No, she's probably just jealous.
14:07Really?
14:08Yeah, because I've got you.
14:10Let's not wait any longer.
14:11Let's go to bed.
14:12Great.
14:12I just need to run that by Jane and Neil quickly first.
14:15Oh, what?
14:15Are you going to ask them for their advice?
14:17Oh, shit.
14:17Did Jane tell you?
14:18I was joking.
14:19Um, me too.
14:21I do need to talk to them about dinner, though.
14:23Jane can get really grumpy if he doesn't eat.
14:25I don't give a fuck.
14:26Look, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself ready,
14:28and I'll just tell them there's some stuff in the fridge, yeah?
14:31Those guys are mental.
14:32They're mentally ill.
14:33Do they even speak English?
14:35Oh, you're just fucked off because we fit in with uni blokes
14:37because we're a laugh, and you don't because you're a twat.
14:39I love it.
14:40I think I'll go uni now.
14:41I wouldn't bank on it, Neil.
14:43Good times.
14:44Anyway, Jane, I just wanted to...
14:45talk to you quickly about dinner.
14:47What, the fish supper you're having?
14:48Simon, are you coming?
14:50Yeah, one minute.
14:51I just need to sort this out.
14:52God, fine!
14:56Well, she fucks like she complains you're in for a treat.
14:58Oh, my God.
14:59Is this it then, Si?
15:00Are you going to do it right now?
15:02Listen, I need your advice.
15:03You know you said I'd have a problem getting it up.
15:05I've got the exact opposite problem.
15:06It won't go down.
15:07If she touches it, I'm sure it'll go off straight away.
15:10What am I going to do?
15:11Just be yourself.
15:12Be honest with her.
15:14Worst advice ever.
15:15Jay, help me.
15:16Look, it's simple.
15:17Go and have a quick tactical wake now.
15:19Then, when she puts some clunge around it,
15:21you'll be able to go for hours.
15:22Right, good idea.
15:23Is it?
15:23Yes.
15:24Now get up there.
15:25Knock one out, star on her,
15:26and then don't embarrass yourself.
15:27Yeah, try to forget about how this is the biggest moment of your life.
15:31Thanks.
15:33So Simon chose Jay's advice over mine,
15:36and as a result, was now masturbated into a sink
15:38whilst inhaling his girlfriend's sister's knickers.
15:42Simon, come on, come to bed.
15:45Coming.
15:46I'm just doing a poo.
15:49Um, okay.
15:51Wash your hands, then.
15:54Yeah.
15:59Downstairs, after only a couple of hours in their company,
16:02I was already hoping the commander, the bombardier,
16:04and the admiral would get sent to Afghanistan.
16:06Hey, Neil.
16:07Data down this.
16:08Oh, no.
16:09No way.
16:10Go on.
16:11All right, then.
16:12You don't have to bad peer pressure, Neil.
16:14Your mate is fucking boring, isn't he?
16:16Yep.
16:18Oh, no, Neil.
16:19Don't.
16:20It's disgusting.
16:21Look, it's got fag butts in it.
16:24Yeah!
16:25Yes!
16:27Oh, yes.
16:28Cheer that, because that was so impressive.
16:31What would you like for an encore?
16:32Jay to punch himself in the face?
16:33Go on, Jay.
16:37You're boring, mate.
16:39No.
16:40No, I'm not.
16:40You are a bit boring.
16:41What, because I don't do dares?
16:43It takes no time or effort or skill
16:45to down half a bottle of orangeade.
16:47Takes balls, though.
16:48Yep.
16:49Well, I've got balls.
16:51More than you.
16:52More than two.
16:53Well, go on, then.
16:55Do a dare.
16:56Nah, he won't.
16:57He's boring.
16:58So what?
16:58If I eat this bonsai tree,
17:02I automatically become fun and interesting, do I?
17:05Yes.
17:06Fine.
17:07Well, I'll eat it, then.
17:08We'll see.
17:09Go on, then.
17:10I will.
17:22Unfortunately, it turns out bonsai
17:24doesn't mean delicious little tree in Japanese.
17:27Upstairs, Simon was struggling to get some wood of his own.
17:30It is cold in here, isn't it?
17:31Like, really cold.
17:32Come on, tighter, then.
17:36It's just supposed to ever turn the heating on, innit?
17:38Your sex talk is getting worse, Simon.
17:41Right.
17:42Is that a draft as well?
17:44Look, she's a student.
17:46It's expensive, OK?
17:47Do you want to go and talk to her about gas prices?
17:49No.
17:49Good.
17:57Um, are you going to take your top off?
17:59I'm cold too, you know.
18:01Of course.
18:02Sure.
18:02We're established.
18:03Well, get the condom on, then.
18:05Yeah.
18:06I meant to say about that.
18:07Could you put it on me?
18:08It's sexier.
18:09OK.
18:10If you want.
18:13Are you ready?
18:15It doesn't look ready.
18:17No, it's fine.
18:17I just think it would help my, you know, readiness a bit
18:20if you put it on with your mouth.
18:22With my mouth?
18:23Or bum.
18:25Or bum.
18:26Those two little words every girl dreams of hearing
18:29on her first time.
18:31Downstairs, I was halfway through dinner.
18:37Guys, I'm going to bed, so can you try and keep it down, yeah?
18:41What are you doing?
18:42Question!
18:43Two fingers!
18:44I'm sorry, I was trying to satirise their bravado.
18:47If you think about it, it worked.
18:50You ate a bonsai tree?
18:52Yes, but...
18:53I think you should go to bed and you lot should leave.
18:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
18:57We're going to the union anyway.
18:58Nice one, Specs.
18:59Thanks for ruining the evening.
19:01And Jay, remember what we told you about Hiker, yeah?
19:04Where do you think you're going?
19:06Bed.
19:07Not without them, you're not.
19:08Oh, and if you fancy a midnight snack, there's a spider plight in the bathroom.
19:13This has been the best night of my life.
19:16So while Neil got emotional about drinking orangeade and fag butts,
19:19Tara was also doing her best to get something disgusting in her mouth.
19:23Simon's flaccid penis.
19:30I can't put it on at all when it's like that.
19:32Is it nice?
19:33Look, just stop talking about it, hmm?
19:35It's not helping.
19:37Just get it on.
19:45It's not working, it's too soft.
19:49One more time, please.
19:50God, OK, just don't push my head down so hard, yeah?
19:52Sorry.
20:00Are you OK?
20:03Oh, I'm sorry, it's just not doing anything.
20:07Oh, God, why won't it start?
20:10I do think if I could see your boobs, it would help.
20:13Unlike Simon, I could see nipples.
20:15Unfortunately, they were hairy and attached to a dickhead who would not shut up.
20:19I know Hiker wants to fuck.
20:21The way she looked at me after she sneezed.
20:25Sleepy times now.
20:27I mean, I've got a young mate.
20:28That's what she likes.
20:29The boy's said.
20:32The commander says she loves the fuck.
20:34Fine, great.
20:35Why don't you just go and ask her then?
20:37Get out of the bedroom, let me sleep,
20:38and ask her for the fuck she so famously wants.
20:43All right, I will.
20:45No, Jay, come on, I wasn't serious.
20:47I'm going to get my Dutch fuck.
20:49Oh, fine, fine.
20:51Off you go.
20:51I'm sick of babysitting you twats anyway.
21:01Oh, God.
21:02No, Neil!
21:04Neil!
21:05Wait the fuck up, you pissed a bit!
21:07Oh, no!
21:09Stop it!
21:10Stop pissing!
21:11Oh, I've got a problem with that!
21:12Well, go to the loo then!
21:14Oh, God, Sophie's going to go mental!
21:16Why is it so green?
21:18Oh, my head hurts.
21:19Yes, I'll suspend my sympathy as I'm covered in your piss.
21:23It's good for you.
21:24Oh, right, so I'll piss on you then, shall I?
21:26Get the fuck to the toilet!
21:28Oh, it smells like pissy sugar puffs.
21:30Oh, I'm a mess.
21:31Which one's a bathroom?
21:32More worryingly, where's Jay?
21:35Oh, there he is.
21:36Oh, come on, Ike.
21:37Just give me a little fuck.
21:38I know you want to.
21:39Get out!
21:39You've got ten seconds to get out of the house.
21:41Don't worry.
21:42I've got enough young meat for you both.
21:43Get fucking out!
21:45So while Jay had to get out,
21:47Simon couldn't get in.
21:50Simon, Simon, nothing's happening.
21:52I know!
21:53Do you think I don't fucking know that?
21:54I know that better than anyone.
21:55I know it's floppy.
21:57Sorry, I was just saying.
21:58Well, don't just say, okay?
22:00I know better than anyone that my penis isn't fucking working.
22:03It's okay.
22:04It's not fucking okay!
22:05It's not okay!
22:06Why don't you start?
22:08Every time I don't want one, it's there,
22:10and yet the one time I actually need it, nothing!
22:12Okay, you're scaring me now.
22:14Just work, you stupid fucking thing!
22:16Get big!
22:17Get big!
22:18Simon!
22:19Why aren't you doing it?
22:20Do it!
22:21Get big!
22:23Oh, please, just work, you ugly cunt!
22:30Simon, stop it!
22:36Oh, my God, have you pissed in my house?
22:38Look, none of this is ideal.
22:40I'm aware of that.
22:42You are disgusting.
22:44Disgusting?
22:44Oh, my God, the smell, the mess!
22:47Sophie!
22:48Sophie's gone weird, just like you said he would.
22:50Oh, yes!
22:50Tara!
22:51Tara!
22:51Tara!
22:51Look, I've almost got it!
22:53Oh, hi, everyone.
22:55If you don't get out of my house right now, I'm going to call the police.
22:58Get out!
22:59All right, this is imperfect, sure.
23:01But let's be reasonable.
23:02None of us have any clothes on.
23:05So, are we having this three-way or what?
23:07Okay, okay, we're going.
23:10No, we weren't going to have a three-way.
23:12We were going to spend the night in Simon's car naked,
23:14and then when we'd sobered up, drive home at stupid o'clock the next morning.
23:25Didn't Tara want to lift back, then, Si?
23:27I think she's okay, Neil.
23:29Oh, I forgot to thank you all for the advice, by the way.
23:31It went perfectly.
23:32I'm so glad you lot came along.
23:33What exactly did you do to her, then, Si?
23:35Nothing.
23:36I think that was the problem.
23:39Get that, Will?
23:42It's Tara.
23:43Oh, cool.
23:45She says never contact her again.
23:47Cool.
23:50I've been inspired by my trip to Warwick,
23:52inspired to get the best grades I possibly could
23:55so I didn't end up at uni with Jay,
23:57and neither.
23:58But one good thing came out of the weekend.
24:00Tara dumping Simon meant I got my friend back.
24:02My silver-tongued...
24:03Fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat!
24:06...slightly weird.
24:07And still a virgin friend.
24:12Don't ask me.
24:14Don't ask me.
24:16Don't ask.
24:17Don't ask me.
24:18Don't ask me.
24:20Ask me how I've been.
24:27Oh, don't ask me.
24:30Don't ask you how.
24:32Fuck.
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