A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
01:00I'm in charge of security and surveillance aboard this vessel.
01:04I, Mr. Crichton, am the one who says, launch scouter.
01:07I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
01:11Launch scouter.
01:19Launch scouter.
01:26I'll be in the stern, correlating the, uh, in the stern.
01:32Would you be so good as to launch the scouter, please, sir?
01:35Aye, aye, sir.
01:38Scouter launch, sir.
01:50Sir, it appears we've encountered a scientific research centre.
01:54And there's someone in there, man.
01:55A survivor?
01:56A Dr. Hildegard Landstrom.
01:58Clearly I'm superfluous to this entire operation,
02:01ably commanded as it is by a droid who has created purely to clean lavatories.
02:07So I really don't know why you're telling me all this, Captain Bogbot.
02:11She's a hologram.
02:13I'm afraid we're going to have to commandeer your remote projection unit in order to rescue her, sir.
02:18Oh, I see.
02:19First of all, I'm deemed unsuitable to issue the command launch scouter.
02:24And now I'm being bundled into an escape pod and relieved of my duties by Commander U-Bend.
02:30Rima, why are you taking this so personal?
02:33It's the only way to get her back to the ship.
02:35Why do we need another hologram on board?
02:37She's a doctor, sir.
02:39She would be a valuable asset to the team.
02:41And as usual, it is left to me to point out the fatal flaw in your logic.
02:45Flaw?
02:46This vessel, gentlemen and Kazi droids.
02:50The crimson short one up there can only sustain one hologram.
02:54Or had you forgotten?
02:58You hadn't forgotten?
03:00Look, we'll work something out.
03:01Some kind of timeshare thing.
03:04What do you mean?
03:05What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve?
03:08Sir, might I remind you, a Space Corps Directive 169 quite clearly states...
03:13Holly, prepare an escape pod.
03:14Anything to save me from another Space Corps Directive?
03:17Sir, the Space Corps Directives are there to protect us.
03:20They're not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person.
03:23Sir, has anyone ever seen this legendary Space Corps Directive manual?
03:32Well, no.
03:33He's making it up, isn't he?
03:35The bloody book doesn't exist.
03:37Sir, I assure you...
03:38Why does he only ever use them against me?
03:40Why are they never against Lister?
03:42Why do we never hear him quoting Space Corps Directives that clearly state...
03:46No crew member should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of
03:51his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk?
03:54We never hear that one, do we?
03:56Holly, kindly furnish Mr. Rimmer with a hologrammatic copy of the Space Corps Directive manual.
04:02Come on, where is it?
04:05That's it?
04:06You should be able to study it at your leisure on your trip back to Red Dwarf, sir.
04:15You've changed, you know that?
04:16Changed?
04:17They may not see it, but I do.
04:19I know what's going on.
04:20You've become a really nasty piece of work.
04:23Sir, I was merely...
04:24You're merely a mechanoid.
04:26That's all you're merely.
04:27Don't ever forget it.
04:30What a shmeet.
04:33What a shmeet.
04:35What a shmeet.
04:47Dr. Landstrom.
04:53Are you there, doctor?
05:02Oh, brutal.
05:23There's no need for alarm, sir.
05:25If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, these Psyscans would have
05:29picked them up by now.
05:33It's never done that before.
05:37Cheap, damn, stupid Martian power packs.
05:44So, what's the news?
05:46Well, if I could just beg your indulgences for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes
05:50a little time to warm up.
05:53Still, it outperforms the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests.
05:56A small wonder, then, that it's secured Psyscan of the Year best budget model three years
06:00running.
06:02Now, here are the results.
06:04Yep.
06:06And we're going to...
06:08live.
06:12We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
06:16Mickey Mouse?
06:17We ain't even Betty Boo.
06:22Oh.
06:24Extraordinary.
06:30Incredible.
06:34Hey, look at this.
06:38Unless the stasis pods.
06:44Was it triggered something?
06:49Doctor?
06:50Doctor Landstrom?
06:51And who might you?
06:53Hi.
06:54We were just passing.
06:55We couldn't get the beacon.
06:57Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say?
07:01Life without pain has no meaning.
07:06Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning.
07:18Why, we'll never meet anyone nice.
07:21Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?
07:26I'm telling you, Crichton is taking over, slowly but surely.
07:29Remember how he used to be in the early days?
07:31A gibbering wreck, completely unassertive,
07:33no self-confidence, plagued by guilt,
07:36convinced he was fourth-rate?
07:37I really liked him, then.
07:39It's a project and standing by.
07:42Well, check it again.
07:43I've done three complete checks.
07:45It's ready to launch.
07:46Right.
07:47I'm going.
07:50What really gets like it is the way he thinks he can order me about.
07:54Well, he who lives by the rulebook, dies by the rulebook.
07:59It's me.
08:00Listen, my lesson's got some horovirus.
08:03She's totally barking.
08:06Listie?
08:07We need backup, man.
08:08We need it bad.
08:08We need it now.
08:10Everything okay?
08:12What?
08:13Come on, you hear me.
08:14I'm sorry, Listie.
08:15You're very faint.
08:16Dr. Landstrom has contracted some kind of mutated hollow plague
08:21and is in a fearful, psychopathic fury.
08:25Marvellous.
08:27I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team.
08:31Sir, I'm going to change the frequency.
08:34Can you hear me now?
08:40Hello?
08:41My name is Dr. Hildegard Landstrom and I am quite, quite mad.
08:47Are you really?
08:48How absolutely splendid.
08:50I have a riddle for you.
08:53What's dead and dead and dead all over?
08:59Give in, Dr. Fruit Loop.
09:01Do tell me.
09:10Well, we know what to get you for Christmas.
09:11A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.
09:16Holly, I really must be making tracks.
09:18Keep me updated as to any further developments, will you?
09:34Where is she?
09:36I fear she's toying with us, sir.
09:39What kind of disease is that gives a hex vision?
09:42Clearly some kind of sci-virus, sir.
09:44It appears to stimulate the dormant psychic areas of the brain,
09:48which, until now, humankind has been unable to harness.
09:51Unfortunately, it requires so much energy,
09:53it drains the victim's life force.
09:55That's why she was in the stasis pod?
09:57Precisely.
09:58Landstrom was preserving what little lifespan remains her.
10:00Well, if she's running out of time,
10:03maybe we can just give her the room around.
10:05Theoretically, a sound notion, sir.
10:07Unfortunately...
10:08Unfortunately, she has already found
10:13Twinkle, twinkle, little eye
10:15Now it's time for you to die
10:28Poor woman.
10:29Destroyed by her own genius.
10:31Genius?
10:32Oh, yes.
10:33From what little I've seen of her research here,
10:35before the holovirus, she had a quite remarkable mind.
10:38If I'm right,
10:39the fruits of her work should live on.
10:46Anything?
10:48Quite extraordinary.
10:49Landstrom postulated that there were two kinds of virus,
10:53positive and negative.
10:54The negative we already know about.
10:56Yeah, like flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.
10:57But she also believed that there were positive viral strains
11:00which actually made human beings feel better.
11:02Such as?
11:03Well, at a very basic level, she predicted a kind of reverse flu.
11:06A strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness.
11:11That's happened to me.
11:11Me life's been turned into complete and utter crud.
11:13And I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no apparent reason.
11:17The chances are, sir, that on those occasions,
11:19you had unwittingly contracted Landstrom's virus.
11:22According to her notes, 20th century DJs suffered from it all the time.
11:27So what's in the tubes?
11:29Landstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus.
11:33Inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism.
11:36Sexual magnetism's a virus?
11:37Well, get me to a hospital.
11:39I'm a terminal case.
11:43But this one is the most intriguing of all.
11:45According to her notes, this is the viral strain Felicitas Populi,
11:50commonly known as luck.
11:51Luck is a virus.
11:53A positive virus which most humans contract at some point in their lives
11:56for very short periods.
11:58And here it is.
11:59Lady luck in liquid form.
12:01Want to try some?
12:03Is it safe?
12:04Absolutely harmless.
12:05Even so, this is a minute dose and will only last for about three minutes.
12:11Now, I want you to pick out all the aces from this pack of cards.
12:16Shuffle them?
12:17Mm-hmm.
12:2113 to 1.
12:26221 to 1.
12:285,525 to 1.
12:33270,725 to 1.
12:36Sir, I want you to throw this dart over here
12:38into that bullseye behind you
12:40using your left hand without looking.
12:42What?
12:43Using my left hand?
12:44Mm-hmm.
12:44Into the bullseye?
12:45Mm-hmm.
12:45Without looking?
12:47No chance.
12:48Trust me, sir.
12:48You ready?
12:49Mm-hmm.
12:51Huh.
12:52I think that indicates the luck virus has blown us.
12:57When you're quite finished, chaps,
12:59we've got a bit of a problem with the cargo bay doors.
13:02What sort of problem?
13:04They won't open.
13:05Rimmer's put in an override.
13:06Welcome home, gentlemen.
13:08If you'd like to proceed to the aft,
13:10you'll find the landing lights on in Bay 47.
13:12Bay 47?
13:13That's quarantine.
13:15Spot on.
13:16Sir, I've screened us all.
13:18We're clean.
13:18Well, much as I trust a viral screening
13:21conducted by an automated toilet attendant,
13:24I really must draw your attention
13:26to Space Corps Directive 595.
13:31Crying out loud.
13:33I have no intention of contracting
13:34the hologrammatic equivalent of foaming dog fever.
13:38So, gentlemen, if you'd all like to proceed
13:40to quarantine room 152,
13:42where you'll be spending the next three months.
13:45LAUGHTER
14:01Twelve weeks.
14:02I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about this.
14:05Oh, come on.
14:06We'll get through it.
14:07This is single quarters.
14:09One chair, one bed, one shower.
14:11We'll manage.
14:12Sir, it's a scientific fact
14:14that the human male needs to spend time by himself.
14:17It is?
14:18Hmm.
14:18The most popular pastimes
14:19have always been ones that males can enjoy alone.
14:22Angling, golf,
14:23and, of course, the all-time number one.
14:27It's not just humans.
14:28Look what happens when two male tigers
14:30are locked up together.
14:31One of them winds up on the other guy's toothpick.
14:33Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats,
14:36even vultures when they're in captivity.
14:38What are you saying to me?
14:39Vultures need personal space.
14:41They need, like, time alone every day
14:43to put their feet up and read
14:44what carcass magazine.
14:47Sir, I think you're downplaying
14:49the gravity of the situation.
14:50Look, what difference does it make?
14:53We hang out together most of the time anyway.
14:55Yeah, but we all knew
14:57we could stroll out the door at any time.
14:58Not now, though.
15:00Welcome to quarantine, lads.
15:02I hope the next 84 days
15:03passes swiftly and as pleasantly
15:05as the Hundred Years War.
15:06Sir, I must protest.
15:08You've only supplied us
15:09with single-berth accommodation.
15:11Space Corps Directive 597
15:13clearly states
15:14one berth per registered crew member.
15:17And as Listie is the only registered crew member,
15:19one berth is all you get.
15:21Don't rast it.
15:22But what about entertainment?
15:24You are obliged to provide us
15:25with minimum leisure facilities,
15:27games, literature,
15:28hobby activities,
15:29motion pictures.
15:30And in accordance
15:31with Space Corps Directive 312,
15:33two you will find
15:33in the storage cupboard over there
15:35a chess set
15:36with 31 missing pieces,
15:38a knitting magazine
15:40with a pull-out special
15:41on crocheted hats,
15:42a puzzle magazine
15:44with all the crosswords completed,
15:46and a video
15:47of the excellent cinematic treat
15:49wallpapering,
15:50painting and stippling
15:51a DIY guide.
15:53Don't rast it.
15:54And fulfilling
15:55all Space Corps
15:56dietary requirements,
15:58dinner tonight, gentlemen,
15:59will consist of
16:00sprout soup,
16:02followed by
16:03sprout salad,
16:05and for dessert,
16:06I think you'll like it
16:07rather unusual,
16:08sprout crumble.
16:10Rimet,
16:11you know damn well
16:12sprouts make me chuck.
16:13Well, this is awful.
16:15I've got you down
16:16for sprouts
16:17almost every meal.
16:19I tell a lie.
16:21It is every meal.
16:23How long are you
16:23going to keep this up for, Rimet?
16:25Keep what up?
16:26I'm merely executing
16:27Space Corps Directive 595.
16:30Anyway,
16:30must-dash-a-rooney,
16:32I've got to organise
16:33your daily provision
16:34of musical entertainment.
16:35I think you're going to like it.
16:36It's a perpetually looped tape
16:38of Reggie Dixon's
16:39Tango Treats.
16:41OK, time to rast him.
16:42Let me at him.
16:43I'll kill him.
16:45Listen, guys,
16:46if you wanted to get
16:47on each other's nerves,
16:48go through 12 weeks of hell,
16:50well, we're not going to
16:50give him the satisfaction.
16:52OK?
16:52Because the entire time
16:53we're here,
16:54we're not going to have
16:54one single argument,
16:56not a raised voice,
16:57not a crossword,
16:57not one angry exchange,
17:00OK?
17:00OK?
17:01Boys from the Dwarf.
17:17I think that's straight now.
17:20Two hours it's taken me
17:21to panel-beat my head
17:22back into shape.
17:24Two damn hours!
17:27Guys, just take it easy.
17:33If you tell me to take it easy
17:35one more time,
17:35I swear I'm going to
17:36turn his ears into a pair
17:37of maracas and tap-dance
17:38a fandango on his throat.
17:40What you saying,
17:42there's 79 more days to go.
17:45And if you still want
17:46to be alive when there's
17:47only 78 more days to go,
17:49I suggest you do not
17:50blow your nose.
17:52Do you mind if I ask why?
17:54Well, let's forego the noise
17:56and the revolting burbling sound
17:58and go straight to
17:59the really gross part
18:00when you always,
18:02and I mean always,
18:03having blown your nose,
18:04have to open up
18:05the handkerchief
18:07and take a look
18:08at the contents.
18:10I mean, why?
18:12What do you expect
18:13to see in there?
18:15A turn-a seascape, perhaps?
18:18The face of the Madonna?
18:20An undiscovered
18:21Shakespearean sonnet?
18:23The rumor was right
18:24about you.
18:25You have changed.
18:29You're getting tetchy.
18:31Oh, no, now,
18:31don't call me tetchy.
18:32You know what happens
18:33when you call me tetchy.
18:34Well, I'm calling you it now.
18:36It's exactly what I'm calling you.
18:38Tetchy.
18:39Tetchy.
18:40Tetchy.
18:41It's just as well
18:41I can't hear you.
18:42It's just as well
18:43I can't hear you
18:44calling me tetchy.
18:45You know what happens
18:47when you call me tetchy.
18:50Oh, no.
18:51Oh, no.
18:51Didn't I tell you?
18:52Didn't I warn you
18:53what would happen?
18:56No.
18:56Yes.
18:57No.
18:57I'm putting it on.
18:58Don't put it on.
18:59I'm putting it on.
18:59He's putting it on.
19:00Here I go.
19:01There he goes.
19:02Great.
19:02If you put that on,
19:02I'm not going to help you out.
19:03I'm not helping you again,
19:04not this time.
19:05You think I need your help?
19:06You think I can't extract
19:07my own head
19:08from the waste disposal unit?
19:11It won't be the waste disposal,
19:13Frankenstein.
19:14This time I'm going to
19:14unscrew your neck bolts
19:15and microwave your head.
19:18Frankenstein was the creator,
19:19not the monster.
19:20It's a common misconception
19:21held by all truly stupid people.
19:24Don't correct me.
19:25You know how much
19:26I hate being corrected.
19:27It really gets my feckles up.
19:28It's hackles, you moron.
19:29It really gets your hackles up.
19:31There's no such word
19:32as feckles.
19:33Feckles, heckles,
19:34hackles, schmeckles,
19:34whatever the hell they are.
19:35They're up right now
19:36and pointed at you, buddy.
19:37Yeah?
19:37Yeah.
19:37Guys, guys.
19:38Look at us.
19:40What's happened to us?
19:42Five days on a sprout diet
19:43with a wallpaper and video
19:44on a crochet magazine.
19:46We've all turned into crazies.
19:48Well, just don't call me
19:49tetchy and don't blow your nose.
19:51Don't play that video
19:52and don't correct me.
19:53OK.
19:54OK.
19:54OK.
19:55We're going to get through this.
19:57And don't say
19:58we're going to get through this.
20:00Stupid, chirpy optimism,
20:02that inane, winsome grin.
20:04This is insane.
20:06We've been here five days
20:08There's no sign of any virus.
20:10We're clean.
20:10That's it.
20:11Five days.
20:12We've got him.
20:13Space Corps Directive 699.
20:15We can demand a re-screening.
20:17He'll refuse.
20:18He can't.
20:18He's playing it by the book.
20:20We've nailed him.
20:21Gentlemen,
20:23your conversation
20:24makes interesting listening.
20:25Raymond, is that you?
20:26Oh, yes.
20:29How long have you been listening?
20:31Two.
20:32Maybe three hours.
20:34Well, no-one's got any disease, man.
20:36We're clean.
20:37You have to re-screen us, sir,
20:39as per Directive 699.
20:40No-one's got any virus
20:42and no-one's smegging nuts.
20:44Well, that's good.
20:48Is something amiss?
20:50Amiss?
20:50God, no.
20:51What could possibly be amiss?
20:52You don't think there's anything amiss?
20:55I'm sitting here
20:56wearing a red and white
20:57checked gingham dress
20:59and army boots.
21:01You think that's unamiss?
21:02No, of course not.
21:04It's just that we thought
21:05you'd gone nuts.
21:06We were trying to heal you.
21:07I was just doing a little test.
21:10A little test
21:10to see if you'd gone crazy.
21:16If there's one thing
21:17I can't stand,
21:19it's crazy people.
21:22Well, we've passed the test.
21:23Remember, you can let us out.
21:25I can't let you out.
21:26Why not?
21:28Because the king
21:29of the potato people
21:30won't let me.
21:33I've begged him.
21:35I've got down on my knees
21:36and wept.
21:39He wants to keep you here.
21:42Keep you here for ten years.
21:45Could we see him?
21:48See who?
21:49The king.
21:50Do you have a magic carpet?
21:52Yeah.
21:53A little three-seater.
21:56So let me get this straight.
21:58You want to fly
21:59on a magic carpet
22:00to see the king
22:01of the potato people
22:04and plead with him
22:05for your freedom
22:06and you're telling me
22:07you're completely sane?
22:09I think that warrants
22:11two hours
22:13of W-O-O.
22:16What's W-O-O?
22:17You had to ask.
22:22Without oxygen.
22:24No oxygen
22:25for two hours.
22:27That'll teach you
22:28to be bread baskets.
22:31What did we do?
22:33I think I only hope
22:34it's the potato king.
22:37How the hell
22:38did he get the holovirus?
22:39It can be transmitted
22:40over radio waves.
22:42He must have spoken
22:42to Landstrom
22:43at some point.
22:45I predict
22:45we have approximately
22:46seven minutes
22:47before the air in here
22:48becomes unbreathable.
22:49Oh, we've got to
22:50get out of here somehow.
22:51It's impossible.
22:52That's the whole point
22:53of quarantine.
22:54Nothing gets out.
22:56Nothing gets in.
22:57Not even a microbe.
23:01Crichton,
23:01any chance of you
23:02cracking the code
23:03on the door lock?
23:04The chances of punching
23:05in the correct combination
23:06are literally
23:07billions to one.
23:09Unless...
23:09Of course.
23:10The luck virus.
23:13Hey, you really think
23:14that stuff can get us
23:15out of here?
23:16If I give Mr. Lister
23:17a suitably large dose,
23:18he will temporarily
23:19become the luckiest
23:20human being
23:21who ever lived.
23:24Okay, then.
23:25What do I do?
23:25Well, you just press in
23:27whatever numbers
23:27you think are best.
23:28Okay.
23:34Last digit, sir.
23:42So what now?
23:43We head for the
23:44hologram projection suite
23:46before Mr. Rimmer...
23:47Before Mr. Rimmer what?
23:51They've been naughty boys,
23:52haven't they, Mr. Flibble?
23:55Yes.
23:57One of Mr. Naughty boys
23:59who've been naughty,
23:59Mr. Flibble.
24:01Uncle Arnie fries them alive
24:03with his hex vision.
24:05That's right, Mr. Flibble.
24:14This way.
24:18The holovirus
24:19is in its secondary stage.
24:21Mr. Rimmer
24:21can't have long to live.
24:23What is he capable of?
24:25Well, we've seen hex vision.
24:26Almost certainly,
24:27like Landstrom,
24:28he'll be capable
24:29of telepathy
24:30and possibly even telekinesis.
24:32Telekine-what, Alus?
24:36The ability
24:37to move objects
24:38purely by the power
24:39of the mind.
24:44Right now, you're okay?
24:46I have a medium-sized
24:47fire axe
24:48buried in my spine.
24:50That sort of thing
24:51can really put a crimp
24:51on your day.
25:00Two and one-half
25:01badgers, please.
25:02Hi-oh-oh.
25:05No, I'll eat them here.
25:12That's better.
25:13Maybe now I can win
25:14self-determination
25:15for these South Moldavian people.
25:22I think I'm okay now.
25:33Mr. Flibble's very cross.
25:36You shouldn't have run away
25:37from him.
25:39What are we going to do
25:40with them, Mr. Flibble?
25:48We can't possibly do that.
25:52Who'd clear up the mess?
25:56We need to use
25:57your luck, sir.
25:58How?
25:59What we really need
26:00is some kind of remote link
26:01to the hologram disk
26:02projection system.
26:03What, like this one?
26:05What a stroke of luck!
26:07Now all we need
26:08is some kind of
26:08attackable power transfer adapter
26:10capable of holding spikes
26:11of up to 5 million volts.
26:13What's this?
26:16Extraordinary.
26:17Now all we need
26:18is a B47-7RF resistor.
26:23Look out!
26:31Mr. Flibble says,
26:33Game over, boys.
26:36Game over, boys.
26:38Game over, boys.
26:58I think he's going
26:59to be okay, sir.
27:00He's going to be okay?
27:02The luck virus
27:03must have worn off.
27:08Rimet, you okay?
27:11What happened to me?
27:12Where am I?
27:13Quarantine!
27:18But don't worry.
27:20We're here to entertain you.
27:22Ah!
27:24Woo!
27:25Woo!
27:28It's cold outside.
27:30There's no kind of atmosphere.
27:32I'm all alone.
27:34More or less.
27:35Let me fly.
27:37Far away from here.
27:39Fun, fun, fun.
27:41In the sun, sun, sun.
27:45I want to lie.
27:47Shipwrecked and combatoes.
27:49Drinking fresh mango juice.
27:52Goldfish shows.
27:54Nibbling at my toes.
27:56Fun, fun, fun.
27:58In the sun, sun, sun.
28:02Fun, fun, fun.
28:05In the sun, sun, sun.
28:08Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
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