A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
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03:27It's something we tried once on the Nova 5. It uses exactly the same science as generating a hologram. We
03:34wipe all your brain patterns and put them on a storage disk. Then we transfer the Captain's mind from his
03:41hologram personality disk into your empty brain.
03:52Transcribed by —
04:23Transcribed by —
04:24So we can flush out your brain.
04:27Nobody's flushing out my brain.
04:29We'll transfer it back afterwards.
04:30You're not sticking that thing in my head.
05:02One minute,
05:02And the absolute bottom line is that you'll have to spend the rest of your life as a mindless, jibbering
05:06vegetable.
05:08But if the rest of your life's only going to be 30 seconds, what the hell?
05:11Do it?
05:15Do it?
05:34Keep that —
05:35Keep that —
05:35Keep that safe. It's Lister's mind.
05:40Keep that safe. It's Lister's mind.
05:4955 seconds to detonation.
05:51What's happening? What the hell is going on?
05:53It's not going to explain, but by a bizarre series of accidents,
05:57the ship's auto-destruct system has got switched on,
05:59and we need you to deactivate it.
06:00Something's wrong. Something's different.
06:04Wait a minute. I never used to be a man.
06:08Look, you stupid woman. We'll explain later.
06:11Why have I got male sexual organs?
06:13If I can ride the auto-destruct system within the next 20 seconds,
06:16those male sexual organs will be in orbit around the nearest planet,
06:20along with everyone else's organs, sexual or otherwise.
06:2415 seconds to detonation.
06:26Abort sequence X1X.
06:28Identify.
06:28Carol Brown, Executive Officer Security Clearance 0101-01.
06:32Pause for verification.
06:35Verification rejected.
06:37Abort denied.
06:38Auto-destruct sequence continued.
06:41Detonation in five seconds.
06:43Send Smeg-Ing-Sational.
06:44Four.
06:45Well done, fake face.
06:46Three.
06:46What a brilliant, brilliant plan.
06:48Two.
06:49Just great.
06:50One.
06:51Initiate self-destruct.
06:59Thank you for using auto-serve dispensing machines.
07:02Number one in quality.
07:04What happened?
07:05In taste.
07:06It must have been wired up to the warning system, but not the bomb.
07:09So where's the bomb?
07:10We haven't got a bomb.
07:13I got rid of it ages ago.
07:15Why didn't you say?
07:16You never asked.
07:18Fine.
07:19Terrific.
07:20But remember this.
07:22You're getting my underwear bill, buddy.
07:31You awake?
07:33Yeah, I can't sleep.
07:35Probably those kippers you have for supper.
07:37Nothing wrong with kippers for supper.
07:39But kippers vindaloo.
07:42It can't be good for you.
07:44I mean, a curry every night, that cannot be good for you.
07:47Certainly no good for me.
07:48I'm thinking of getting a canary in a cage.
07:52Check out the room.
07:53See if it's safe for me to come to the room.
07:55Come on.
07:56Not that bad.
07:57Not that bad.
07:58You don't sweat sweat.
08:00You sweat madras sauce.
08:02Why do there should be interest in my diet?
08:05It's not just your diet, Lister.
08:06It's your health in general.
08:08Face facts.
08:08You eat crap.
08:09You don't exercise.
08:10You smoke.
08:11You drink.
08:12And frankly, it's beginning to show.
08:14I'm okay.
08:15You're getting porky.
08:17Porky?
08:18Last week, when there was that lights failure in the engine room, your silhouette was cast onto the wall.
08:23I got the fright of my life.
08:25I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
08:27It's not quite good.
08:29You've got more gut than a Turkish butcher's shop window.
08:32I don't know what I mean.
08:33Do you think I've got on weight?
08:35You've reached that age, Listie.
08:38When you're younger, you can eat what you like, drink what you like, and still climb into your 26-inch
08:43waist trousers and zip them closed.
08:45Then you reach that age, 24, 25.
08:49Your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and without any warning at all, you're suddenly a fat
08:53bastard.
08:55I'm not fat.
08:56I'm a honky.
08:57Have you ever in dissection class held up a frog by its head?
09:01You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs?
09:05Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
09:09Maybe you're right.
09:11Yeah.
09:12I'm going to start working out with Jim.
09:13Of course, you could always...
09:17No, you'd never agree to it.
09:19What?
09:20We do a swap.
09:21My mind in your body, yours in mine.
09:24You saw how easy it was with Brown.
09:27Lend me your body for a few weeks and I'll get it fit for you.
09:30Plenty of exercise, sensible diet, no more booze, no more ciggies.
09:34It'll be like a 12,000-mile service for your body.
09:37And in the meantime, I'm a hologram.
09:39It won't be too bad if it's only for a couple of weeks.
09:41You see, you're talking as if it was a pair of hedge trimmers or a lawnmower or something.
09:46I'd give it you back.
09:47I'd return it intact, more than intact.
09:49It'd be fitter.
09:50Primer, you're not having possession of my body.
09:52What are you worried about?
09:53How can I treat it any worse than you do?
09:56You admit you don't look after it, don't exercise it, don't feed it properly.
09:59I would.
10:00What do you say?
10:14No welching.
10:16Of course not.
10:22A full night.
10:24Fourteen days.
10:25Two weeks.
10:26Absolutely doodly.
10:27What do you say?
11:06This hat is smaggin' stupid.
11:09I look like Captain Emerald.
11:11Do something about him, then.
11:13Okay, don't you.
11:17Brutal.
11:21What's this under his nails?
11:23Oh, my God.
11:26I'm going to have this dirt carbon dated.
11:34Hmm.
11:35Luncheon, sir.
11:48Ah, food.
11:50Real food.
11:52To eat, perchance to taste.
11:54It's exactly as you ordered, sir.
11:56The lightly poached mimian bladder fish.
11:59The four dozen oysters.
12:00The duck's feet in abalone sauce.
12:03I can touch.
12:04I can taste.
12:05I can smell.
12:06A roast suckling pig stuffed with chestnuts and truffles.
12:10Mmm.
12:11Mashed potato.
12:13With cream and butter.
12:14A pint of cream and a full pound of butter, sir.
12:18Let the orgy commence.
12:44How's the diet going?
12:59Do you know something?
13:00I think I went temporarily insane.
13:02It was just too much.
13:03I haven't tasted food in three million and two years.
13:06All that food.
13:07I was like an animal.
13:08I want me body back now.
13:10Oh, it won't happen again.
13:11It was just something I had to get out of my system.
13:13My system?
13:14Why are you smoking?
13:15One cigar.
13:17You're supposed to be getting me fit.
13:18I'll start tomorrow.
13:20You better bleed and I do.
13:26Hey!
13:27What are you doing dressed like that?
13:29Why do you want to look like Gold Post Head?
13:31Have you flipped?
13:32You want to model yourself on a man who has ears so large
13:36they can pick up satellite TV?
13:38Why do you want to look like that smag-haired Rimmerpho?
13:42Because...
13:44I am that smag-haired Rimmerpho?
13:49Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:55Please, these are supposed to be women?
14:02This is what I call training.
14:05That letter.
14:06That letter.
14:07That letter.
14:08There.
14:10Hey, hey, hey!
14:11I've got you now, buddy.
14:13J-O-Z-X-Y-Q-K.
14:16That's not a word.
14:18It's a cat word.
14:19J-O-Z-X-K...
14:20That's not how you pronounce it.
14:22What's it mean?
14:23It's a sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
14:29It's an addiction.
14:31Well, it could be.
14:32If you're reading in a nude and you close the book too quick.
14:38What a session.
14:39What a workout.
14:40No pain, no gain, Listie.
14:43On the scales.
14:44I want to weigh you.
14:45There's no need.
14:46Look at that stomach.
14:47Flat as a pancake.
14:48Hasn't been like that in years.
14:50Scales, please.
14:51There's really no need.
14:52On the scales.
15:00You put on two stone?
15:03I was not put on two stone.
15:04I've been taking yeast extract.
15:06Building up your body.
15:07Take the robe off.
15:08What for?
15:09Take it off.
15:10I don't want you looking at my naked body.
15:12It's not your naked body.
15:13It's mine.
15:14What's he hiding?
15:15Off with the robe.
15:16Just let me say this.
15:17Off!
15:27Oh, this.
15:28This is a hernia prevention belt.
15:30I must have got to take it off.
15:32It's a girdle.
15:33Of course it isn't.
15:34Why has it got those little dangly things holding up stockings?
15:38They're for attaching extra weights to so you can get fit as you walk around.
15:42Oh, well.
15:43I want me body back now.
15:46Look, okay.
15:47I went a bit bananas the first few days, but I promise you that's all over now.
15:52Don't you see it's in my interest to get you into shape?
15:54This could become a regular thing.
15:5614 days a year, I could have your body.
15:58In fact, next year, if it's convenient, I'd like to put the last two weeks in July.
16:04One last chance?
16:06No.
16:06No more troffen?
16:07I promise.
16:09Take that gaitloff.
16:10It doesn't suit me.
16:37Holly, lights.
16:41Right, that's it.
16:42I'm completely sick of it.
16:44Mm-hmm.
16:45Is that for you?
16:46That is it.
16:48What?
16:49What is it?
16:49You've been poking again, haven't you?
16:51I have not.
16:52I want me body back now.
16:54But I've only had it a week.
16:55This was not the deal.
16:56You've welched on it.
17:00And what's this in the bin?
17:01Me locks.
17:02Me locks are in the bin.
17:04I thought you said you'd pin them up.
17:05I did, but they fell off.
17:09Fell off?
17:10Science lab, now.
17:12But it's the middle of the night.
17:13Crichton's on downtime.
17:15Now.
17:33How many cigars did you get through, Remy?
17:36Me lungs feel like they've been through a cheese grater.
17:38Look, you've got your body back.
17:40Leave me alone.
17:42I only have a couple of rollies a day.
17:45It feels like you've smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
17:48I've had the odd one.
17:50No respect, that's what.
17:52You've shown my body no respect whatsoever.
17:54You've treated it like smeg.
17:57Look.
17:58You've given me breasts.
18:00There's a distinct cleavage there.
18:04You've taken my body and you've given me a bosom.
18:11These scales are wrong.
18:13These scales have to be wrong.
18:15It's average for your height.
18:17Remember, it would be average for my height if I happened to be a pregnant hip-hop.
18:23Well, you weren't exactly Charles Atlas to start with, were you?
18:27And you haven't been treating my athlete's foot, have you?
18:30Well, quite frankly, I was afraid of touching it.
18:33I told you, you have to wash and powder my feet three times a day.
18:37Plus a good buffoon with a pummy stone.
18:40I wasn't prepared to touch those things three times a day.
18:43To tell you the truth, I was only brave enough to take your socks off once.
18:47Stop it.
18:48Look at it.
18:49Pink good, you're down my side.
18:50You can float me over the Super Bowl.
18:53Look, I refuse to take the rap for that body.
18:55All right, I added a few pounds to its already ample frame.
18:58But it was, let's face it, a wreck before I got anywhere near it.
19:02A wreck?
19:03If it was a car, you'd be an insurance write-off.
19:06Nothing worked.
19:07Your taste buds are totally clapped out.
19:09You've killed them stone dead with 25 years of non-stop curries.
19:14And what about all the aches and pains that you never mentioned?
19:17Twinges in your back, crimps in your neck.
19:19Oh, and I'll give you a little tip.
19:21Urine should only be green if you're Mr Spock.
19:24When's the last time you borrowed it?
19:26That's for goddamn sure.
19:28What about next year?
19:29We had an agreement.
19:30Last two weeks in July and the weekend before Christmas.
19:32What do you want to borrow it for, Rimmer?
19:33It's a wreck.
19:35Unfortunately, it's the best that's available.
19:37If you can't get two weeks in the Caribbean, Grimsby's better than nothing.
19:40I can't back out now.
19:41You said I could have it.
19:42Who said that to get it back?
19:44Do you think I'm raving mad?
19:45You are never, ever, ever borrowing my body again.
19:49Never.
19:49Get some sleep.
19:51You'll feel different in the morning.
19:55I'm really not sure about this.
19:57Look, you're programmed to obey.
19:59Get on with it.
19:59But surely we should ask him first.
20:01I told you, he's agreed.
20:03He's perfectly happy about the situation.
20:05Then why did you make me chloroform him?
20:07And why did he struggle so?
20:09Look, I'm in charge, Crichton.
20:10I'll take full responsibility.
20:11Oh, but sir.
20:12Science lab pronto.
20:14Oh.
20:15If he comes round again, give him another whack.
20:33Hey, wait, man.
20:36Rimmer.
20:41No, please.
20:42No.
20:43Play message.
20:45Hi.
20:46It's me.
20:47I told you you'd feel different in the morning.
20:52Thing is, this week has been absolute heaven for me.
20:55And I couldn't just stand by and let you have your body back.
20:58That's why I've taken Starbuck and done a runner.
21:01Don't worry.
21:01In a month or so, I'll come back and return it.
21:03Just a month, maybe six weeks.
21:05But don't try and follow me.
21:07Otherwise, the body gets it.
21:11Cat.
21:12Cat!
21:18My what?
21:20It'll only take a couple of hours.
21:22You want to borrow my body?
21:24I need your body to get my body back.
21:27You've already lost one body.
21:29Come on.
21:30In all seriousness, you really expect me to lend you mine?
21:33I'm a hologram.
21:35How else am I supposed to chase them?
21:36I need your body.
21:38Let me ask you one question.
21:40Would you let a garbage truck driver use your Rolls Royce?
21:43Can you relax for Pilot White, Mitchie?
21:47I'll do it.
21:52I can't do it.
21:53I can't do it.
21:56No.
22:00Oh, my God.
22:28Grimmet, Grimmet, it's no use running, man.
22:30We've got you in visual range.
22:31Turn around and head back to the ship.
22:32I told you not to follow me!
22:39Leave me alone, or else you know what happens.
22:43He's bluffing.
22:44I'm not bluffing.
22:46I think he means it, man.
22:47He's flipped.
22:48Must be cream cake poisoning.
22:50He's bluffing.
22:51I'm going in after him.
22:52He must be bluffing.
22:54Say, he isn't, man.
22:55It's gastronomic terrorism.
22:56We can't stand by and let it happen.
22:58Go ahead, punks.
22:59Make my day.
23:01You're right.
23:02It's working.
23:03Smig!
23:04Listen, okay.
23:22This is getting stupid.
23:24Back off.
23:25Let him go.
23:25We're almost on it.
23:26It's too dangerous.
23:27Let him go.
23:47Oh, smag.
23:48What the smaggin' smagsy smaggin' done?
23:51Smaggin' killed me?
24:06See you.
24:07Whoops.
24:09Are you all right?
24:10You're going to go spare.
24:12What?
24:12What is it?
24:13You're going to go absolutely spare.
24:17Now, you've lost me all.
24:19I've lost your watch, too.
24:23No, you're right. It's my fault.
24:25My hands are up.
24:26Well, my hand is up.
24:30You think it's funny?
24:33No, but this is...
24:51Well, well, look.
24:52It's Captain Chloroform.
24:54Please, Mr. David, sir.
24:57My guilt chip is already in overdrive.
24:59I feel terrible.
25:02You feel terrible?
25:04What about my smacking head?
25:05I had to obey him.
25:07It's in my programming to obey all humans.
25:10No matter how insane.
25:13Dinner is served, sir.
25:19I'm on this for six months.
25:24What's wrong with you?
25:25You've seen a ghost.
25:27I was asleep, okay?
25:29And the next thing I know,
25:30plastic Percy here puts a sponge on my face
25:33and out go the lights.
25:35What's an order?
25:39Just one night, I promise.
25:41My first thing tomorrow.
25:44Maybe Thursday.
25:49Outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.
25:51I'm all alone, more or less.
25:55Let me fly far away from here.
25:59Fun, fun, fun.
26:01In the sun, sun, sun.
26:04I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose.
26:09Drinking fresh mango juice.
26:12Goldfish shows, nibbling at my toes.
26:15Fun, fun, fun.
26:18In the sun, sun, sun.
26:22Fun, fun, fun.
26:25In the sun, sun, sun.
26:29Sun, sun, sun, sun.
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