A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:27To be continued...
00:40To be continued...
01:03This is an SOS distress school from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
01:06The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
01:10The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster,
01:14and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
01:17Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are
01:21a life form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
01:28We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years,
01:32and there are many things we've discovered.
01:34The highest form of life in the universe is man,
01:36and the lowest is a man who works for the post office.
01:49Oh, Jim, weren't you the one who said we have to seize our moments
01:53because they may never come again?
01:55Don't you see, you crazy fool?
01:57This is our moment, right here and now.
01:59Let's seize it together.
02:02My darling, I'm dying.
02:06I know, Carol.
02:07Dr. Graham told me everything.
02:13Is he all your day?
02:14Oh, I'm watching the film.
02:16I'm just wondering if you were a bit bored.
02:18No, no, I'm watching the film.
02:20You're not bored, then?
02:21No, go away.
02:23My darling, I'm dying.
02:27I know, Carol.
02:28Dr. Graham told me everything.
02:34I've just finished reading everything.
02:36I've now read everything that's ever been written anywhere by anyone ever.
02:40Will you go away?
02:41You know what the worst book ever written ever was?
02:44I don't care.
02:45Football, it's a funny old game by Kevin Keegan.
02:48Holly, will you let me watch the film?
02:54I'm at a loose end now.
02:57Don't know what to do with myself.
02:58Holly, why don't you just read everything all over again?
03:01I was thinking it might help pass the time if I created a perfectly functioning replica
03:05of a woman, capable of independent decision-making and abstract thought, and absolutely undetectable
03:11from the real thing.
03:12Why don't you?
03:13I don't know how.
03:17I wouldn't even know how to make the nose.
03:20Holly, is there something that you want?
03:22Well, only if you're not busy.
03:23Would you mind erasing some of my memory bank?
03:26What for?
03:27Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels from my memory bank, I can read them again
03:31tonight.
03:31How do I do it?
03:32Just type in whole mem, password overlay, then novels, Christy Agatha, then press erase.
03:43I've done it.
03:45Done what?
03:48Erased Agatha Christie.
03:49Who's she then?
03:51Holly, you've just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory.
03:55Why should I do that?
03:57I've never heard of her.
03:58You've never heard of her, because I've just erased her from your smegging memory.
04:02What'd you do that for?
04:04You asked me to.
04:05When?
04:06Just now.
04:07I don't remember this.
04:08Oh, I'm going to bed.
04:09This is going to go on all night.
04:12Johnny!
04:13I know, Carol.
04:15Dr Graham, owe me everything.
04:22Off!
04:24Had a good day, Lister?
04:26I've scrummed enough chockeys, watched enough drivel, have you?
04:29Look at you.
04:30You're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman.
04:33Next thing you know, you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.
04:37Oh, yeah, and what have you done that's so great?
04:40I've achieved 17 things today off my daily goal list, whereas you've never achieved anything
04:45ever in your entire life.
04:46Don't know, you know.
04:47Went on to the office's block.
04:49When?
04:49This morning.
04:50But it hasn't been decontaminated.
04:53You said it had last week.
04:54No, I said it was on last Thursday's daily goal list.
04:57And you haven't done it yet?
05:00Tomorrow.
05:00It's on tomorrow's daily goal list.
05:02Item 34, right after learn Portuguese.
05:05Thanks a lot.
05:06Don't tell me.
05:08Why were you mooching around up there anyway?
05:11I was looking through Kaczanski's dream recorder.
05:14She dreamt about me three times.
05:16You know, it was in the log.
05:17So?
05:18Clean my teeth, please, Wally.
05:20I mean, it must mean something.
05:21You don't dream about someone that you don't feel something for.
05:24Stop.
05:25I once had a dream about a baboon.
05:26It doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it.
05:28I'm doing something.
05:30Shave, please, Wally.
05:32Lister, you ought to take a good long look at yourself.
05:36And then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people.
05:42Kaczanski's personality disorder, like, one second.
05:44Maybe I could find out.
05:46Lister, if you were a love celibate like me, you wouldn't have these problems.
05:49Oh, come on, River.
05:50The only reason you knocked around with those prats from the love celibacy society is
05:54you could never get a date.
05:56No, it wasn't.
05:58I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career
06:02and makes you want to spend all your money.
06:04And you could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your casual clothes.
06:09There was nothing wrong with my casual clothes.
06:11Oh, come on, River, your trousers were so short.
06:13When you crossed your legs, you could see your knees.
06:16What about Yvonne Magruder?
06:18That was a date.
06:19She'd been hit on the head by a winch.
06:21She had concussion.
06:24That's got nothing to do with it.
06:25She was crazy about me.
06:26Oh, yeah, she kept calling you Norman.
06:28She still went to bed with me.
06:30Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else.
06:33Serves her after being concussed, doesn't it?
06:37River, you don't know what looks.
06:38Love is.
06:39Oh, yes, I do, Lister.
06:40Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.
06:46Lights.
06:48Remain.
06:50Love is.
06:51Love is what makes us different from animals.
06:54No, Lister.
06:55What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
07:15Lights.
07:17Remain, are you awake?
07:20Remain, are you awake?
07:21What?
07:22Yes, Mum.
07:23I'm just packing my satchel.
07:28Where am I?
07:29What time is it?
07:30I don't feel very well.
07:32Half past three.
07:34I feel really ill.
07:35Well, you are really ill.
07:37No, I mean, really ill.
07:41I'll go down to the medical unit.
07:44I don't feel very well.
07:49Lights.
07:50Ah, Miss Magruder, where were we?
08:02I feel really hot.
08:08And this is mine, that's mine, all this is mine.
08:12I'm claiming all this as mine.
08:17Except for that bit.
08:18I don't want that bit.
08:19But all the rest of this is mine.
08:24Hey, this has been a good day.
08:26I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine.
08:31Tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can have sex with something.
08:35Ow, yeah!
08:37S-E-X, I really want it.
08:40Ow!
08:40S-E-X, I'm going to get it.
08:43Yeah!
08:44S-E-X, I think I found it.
08:46Ow!
08:48Oh, it's you!
08:50Hey, monkey, you're sick.
08:53Sick, helpless and unconscious.
08:55If you were my friend, that'd steal your shoes.
08:59Time for a snack.
09:01This way.
09:02Ow!
09:04Emergency.
09:06There's an emergency going on.
09:08It's still going on.
09:11And it's still an emergency.
09:14Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159?
09:17This is an emergency announcement.
09:20Food!
09:21Today's speciality is Chicken Marengo.
09:26I'm going to eat you little chicky.
09:29I'm going to eat you little chicky.
09:31I'm going to eat you little chicky.
09:34Uh-uh, too slow, Chicken Marengo.
09:37Too slow for this cat.
09:41Hey, this chicken's faster than I thought.
09:47Quick, Lister's fainted.
09:48He needs help.
09:49Quick.
09:55Didn't you hear me?
09:56Didn't anyone hear me?
09:57Lister's in trouble.
09:58The monkey has fainted.
10:00I cannot pick him up.
10:01Quick, come now.
10:08Is there something wrong with you?
10:09Lister's collapsed.
10:11Yeah?
10:11What do you mean, yeah?
10:12He needs help.
10:13And?
10:14And if you don't help him, he might die.
10:16Oh, no.
10:17That's too bad.
10:18I really liked him, too.
10:19So, come and help him.
10:21What an interrupt my lunch.
10:23What is more important, a man's life, or your smegging lunch?
10:26That doesn't even deserve an answer.
10:31Right.
10:31Okay.
10:32Fine.
10:32You come with me.
10:33You get a stretcher.
10:39Down.
10:40Down.
10:41Stop.
10:42Remember, let the medicom take me temperature.
10:44Lister, they've got to learn.
10:47Down.
10:48Down.
10:49Down.
10:49Slowly.
10:49Aha.
10:50Now, very, very, very slowly forward.
10:54I'm late.
10:56Lister, they've got to learn.
10:58I've just nearly lost an eye.
10:59How about an anal reading?
11:01I'm all right before you're fine now.
11:04Well, you're not fine.
11:05And it's your own smegging fault for going up to the officer's deck before it was decontaminated.
11:09I just wanted to have a look around.
11:11You just wanted to go into Kachansky's quarters and wallow in self-pity.
11:15And look what it's got you.
11:16I'm all right.
11:16I've got a touch of pneumonia, that's all.
11:18It's not pneumonia.
11:20Three million years ago it was pneumonia, but since then it's bred and mutated and now I don't know what
11:24it is.
11:24Why didn't I ask her out?
11:26What's the way she could have said?
11:27She could have said, no, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome, disgusting object.
11:31I wouldn't be seen dead within a plague pit.
11:33She would have said, yes, stranger things have happened.
11:37Only two spring to mind, List.
11:38The Spontaneous Combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546.
11:43And that incident in 12th century Burgundy when it rained herring.
11:48What does this theory mean she ain't used to have?
11:50It's like everyone's got two people inside you.
11:52You've got your confidence and your paranoia.
11:54And your confidence is the guy who says, hey, you're great, you're dead, sexy, everybody loves you.
11:58And your paranoia says you're stupid, you're useless, you're ugly and everybody hates you.
12:02That's odd, Lister.
12:03According to this reading, you're clinically dead.
12:06And what had that one was, me confidence would just about persuade me to ask Kachansky out.
12:12And as I was walking up to her, he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something.
12:16And I'd be left with me paranoia saying, you must be joking, she's going to laugh in our face.
12:20You know, sometimes, Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking.
12:24And other times, like this, you can rant and drivel on like a complete loony.
12:29Just take me to me bed.
12:31All right, Lister.
12:32Okay, you know how it works.
12:34Now, release the mechanism very, very, very gently.
12:41Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.
12:45Get an umbrella.
12:46Get an umbrella.
12:49Get an umbrella.
12:54Get an umbrella.
12:56Get an umbrella.
12:57Get an umbrella.
13:05Get an umbrella.
13:05Necrobics.
13:06Hologramatic exercises for the dead.
13:09It's raining.
13:10It's raining.
13:11Get an umbrella.
13:12Get an umbrella.
13:15Get an baby.
13:20Get an umbrella.
13:23Oh.
13:27Get an umbrella.
13:29I've got an umbrella.
13:46Ollie what's going on what what's happening
13:50Hercule Poirot's just stepped off the steaming train and if you want my opinion I think they
13:56all did it you've got a complaint just come straight out with it don't hide behind innuendo and
14:07hyperbole why is it raining fish in our sleeping quarters I'd be lying if I said I knew the only
14:13comparable incident on record is in 12th century Burgundy when it rained herring
14:42hey you're awake yeah I just woke up hey I brought you some presents
14:48I'm that kind of guy yeah let's see what we got in the magic bag here I got you some
14:55grapes
15:02orange hey well all this enormous generosity has made me tired I'm going to bed
15:13yes indeedy you're awake yeah but I'll be asleep in a minute how do you feel fine just don't ask
15:21me
15:21any more questions I'm trying to sleep shut up you stupid moggy and out of that bed well if you're
15:26gonna speak to me like that I'm gonna take my presents back how do you feel hurt
15:34I feel great listen Lister you had a fever okay yeah and you started to hallucinate all right yeah
15:42only your hallucinations were solid what you mean solid I mean they were real alive solid solid solid
15:51what you mean they were solid okay I'll put another way you had hallucinations right yeah and they were
15:59solid solid I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia I told you it was mutated I knew something like
16:06this would happen okay what did I hallucinate well first of all it was fish rain fish rain yeah I
16:14dreamt
16:14that well actually happened was all the fish somebody ate them then the mayor of Warsaw spontaneously
16:23combusted and then you hallucinated two men in the drive room what two men apparently one of them is
16:31your confidence and the others your paranoia you see what I mean listen hey it's the king mr. beautiful hey
16:47you
16:48what does the H stand for Horace and breakfast mr. wonderful wishes to die have you lost weight you're
16:55looking great is he totally perfect at what you're my confidence I just love that accent it makes me go
17:01all wibbly I don't understand it you look like the manager of the London Jets but you sound like being
17:06box to the American quiz show host I'm all the things you associate with confidence King you're my
17:12paranoia isn't that a urine stain on the front of your trousers no it isn't it so how are you
17:19anyway
17:20isn't that a huge spot appearing on your so-called face my god you've got fat haven't you must be
17:26all
17:26that longer but you've got a terminal disease always happens to people who least expect it don't you find
17:32that hello then won't you only trying to be friendly Davey baby what can I say is he the greatest
17:41most
17:42handsome fantastic person ever or am I insane you're insane Lister what are you gonna do about
17:48them do what can I do I think we should arrest them what for for being hallucinations come on
17:54shmuggins a bit of company isn't it yeah Lister you're still sick these two are symptoms of your
18:00disease they're like the the spots and measles the swellings in mumps the funny walk in cystitis
18:08until they're gone you won't be better hey now I know what the H stands for idiot am I right
18:15you
18:17are treading a very thin line Milado stands for hologram I happen to be dead couldn't happen to a
18:25more deserving guy come on King forget those losers let's go party no I forbid it why why do you
18:33never
18:33listen to mr. Rimmer he's so much more experienced more level-headed so much better than you hey no
18:41one is better than mr. magnificent and no one tells the prince of charisma what to do right
18:46prince yeah right that's my divy boy I don't believe it he's socializing with a figment of his imagination
18:53please note a dust storm is approaching ship exterior is now out of bounds all airlocks are
19:03being automatically sealed estimated duration 18 hours I tried to kindle like fire light it twindled now
19:17wonder when this wind will ever stop you wrote that yeah it was ages ago you know that is the
19:33greatest love
19:33song ever come on ever it's so deep the images the dwindling the kindling all the indling I love all
19:42that stuff when I think there's fast buck merchants like Beethoven and Mozart out there grabbing all
19:48the publicity and here's you writing pieces of that caliber what are you doing with the cigarette book
19:56oh you've embarrassed me now it's just your lips that touched it your lips the king's kissing lips and I
20:05just wanted some proof I'd actually met the Duke of deliciousness you're serious aren't you serious
20:12about what I'm a nobody out of the 169 people on board this ship I ranked 169 bottom of the
20:19pile that's
20:21because you didn't want all that career stuff you wanted your farm on Fiji with you know who if she
20:35will never know now why not she's dead so so's River bring her back I can't Holly can only sustain
20:41one hologram and River's hidden all new the personality discs so find them Cairns King you can do anything
20:52anything anything he can't do anything oh I know I know I'll bet five do you know he used to
20:58practice
20:58kissing on his own how he made lips out of one hand and then waggled his thumb through the gap
21:05like a
21:06tongue that is priceless it really is 17 years old and he used to snark his own hand once in
21:16front of
21:16the whole school he called his gym teacher daddy I could have died with embarrassment what a silly
21:23thing to call a gym master I'm racked with guilt I hate him if you hate him why do you
21:28talk about
21:29him so much because he makes my life one big humiliating cringe-making guilt-ridden hell now stab
21:36him stab him stab him quick stab him ah you haven't met stab him he's one of our scutters stab
21:46him meet
21:46Lister's paranoia Lister's paranoia this is stab him yo Rimmer listen we've been thinking we think
21:53we can get Kachansky back without turning you off oh he's drunk yes all we're going to do is turn
22:00off
22:00all unnecessary power systems and the holly says it'll work ding dong another great idea from the
22:04people who bought you beer milkshakes can you be so obsessed with a girl you hardly know hardly knows
22:11her you haven't heard the indling song our love I try to kindle off Lister you're not having a disc
22:19why
22:20because she'll rank above you but she's a bright good-looking intelligent witty upwardly mobile
22:25officer why should she be interested in you yes why should she be interested in you yeah why should
22:31she be interested in me hmm sorry I was just thinking about that song I can't get it out of
22:36my head why
22:38because you're great you're an incredibly seductive charming charismatic young stud yeah I forgot that's
22:44why should she be interested in me Lister you're not having her disc or any disc come on King you
22:50know Rimmer where would he hide him I don't know yes you do no he doesn't come on think winner
22:58outside
23:01outside the ship uh wrong actually where outside well he'd have to send the Scutters and the desk would have
23:09to be
23:09safe wrong wrong absolutely brimming over with wrong ability have to be right under my nose so he can laugh
23:17at
23:17me wrong and getting wronger all the time outside our sleeping quarters the solar panel outside our
23:24sleeping quarters you followed me you goit is that where they are that's incredible how long now
23:47can't be long now Dave her kill has got all the suspects in one room I'm only two pages away
23:53from
23:53also by the same author oh Holly the dust storm oh that anytime now it's almost subsided hey how's my
24:01baby boy oh look you've got a body like a coat hanger how can you make a space suit look
24:07like evening
24:07world let me ask you one question it's no use arguing Rimmer I'm going who smashed up the medicom
24:14he's darling King let's go Holly give him a punch up look what's any for them smashed up the medical
24:21uni Lister come here come here you are still sick I feel great you will not you will not you
24:35will not
24:35be better until they've gone they know that and now they've stopped you getting any treatment
24:44where's paranoia I don't know is it someplace near Uruguay who is this docker list of their germs and
24:52they're dangerous storm has passed Dave airlocks are now released what are we waiting for King nothing
25:02Holly put a trace on paranoia what's a trace it's space jargon it means find him no it doesn't
25:09you just made it up to be cool where is he paranoia is no longer aboard this ship
25:18yeah look at that view Kingo me and you on top of the world makes you want to dance
25:32hey there it is
25:44did you hear something nope in space no one can hear you cha cha cha you don't think me paranoia
25:50could have got here first do you forget him he's no danger he smashed up the medical unit no he
25:55didn't
25:55what you mean I did you did so we can be together Davey you don't want to get cured I
26:01did it for you
26:02so where did he go then I killed him cha cha cha what you mean you killed him cha cha
26:07cha
26:07hey don't look at me like that he didn't suffer I just fed him into the waste grinder and flushed
26:13his
26:13mints into space look I'm gonna go inside now it gets a little bit hot I get a bit claustrophobic
26:19in these suits take your helmet off what you're hot take your helmet off I'll die why there's no
26:25oxygen out here hey oxygen's for losers come on I need oxygen you don't need anything king you're the
26:33king you're crazy I told you you needed oxygen huh some loser who was trying to make you feel small
26:40look I'll prove it to you I'll take mine off first we'll soon see who the crazy one is around
26:46here
27:00must you do this now I'm doing the laundry it's totally disgusting what's disgusting
27:12Lister yeah I just want to say I was right all along I said there were germs and they were
27:19germs
27:19yeah okay so what and I'm just saying now that disc will only bring you misery I just want you
27:26to
27:26remember that I said that look if she comes back and she's not interested I can handle it whatever
27:32Lister I want it on record that disc is a one-way ticket to miseryville yeah but I've spent enough
27:37time listening to me paranoia now I'm gonna listen to me confidence hi Chrissy it's not gonna work
28:01either hey yo Chrissy hi Lister look good luck I mean it smeg off no honestly I mean it good
28:18luck okay
28:19ho switch it on well he did warn you I certainly did do you honestly think I put Kachansky's disc
28:31in
28:31Kachansky's box where any munchkin could find it you think you had it bad before Lister now you've got
28:38it in stereo baby welcome aboard Rimsie nice to be here mr. Rimmer yes son of a gun
28:50it's cold outside there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone more or less let me fly
28:59far and stay from here fun fun fun fun fun funух in yourself suk suk suk suk suk suk suk
29:08suk suk
29:08I want you to lie she queسم flexi coma toast drinking fresh mango juice gummi shows dribbling out my toes
29:17fun fun fun fun fun it's fun sun sun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun it's fun sung wake
29:29surfing
29:35For more information, visit www.fema.org
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