A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:01This week's Red Dwarf contains scenes which are unsuitable for younger viewers and people of a nervous disposition.
00:09You have been warned.
00:58Danger...
00:59Do not attempt to open this part.
01:02The creature inside is extremely arseful.
01:05It feeds up the human psyche, seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled.
01:20Pardon me.
01:30I'm sorry.
01:33I'm sorry.
01:34I'm sorry.
01:44I'm sorry.
01:47I'm sorry.
01:49I'm sorry.
01:54I'm sorry.
02:04much we go I just thought I'd give your quarters a quick tickle around sir I
02:09won't take a chip not now great in cooking
02:21I didn't know you could do that oh yes I can plug a number of add-ons into my groinal
02:26socket allowing
02:27me to allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable what oh you name
02:33it buzzer power drill hedge trimmer even an egg whisk what so you just like stick the egg whisk
02:39attachments on the end and you can like whip up a Spanish only I certainly can sir but it's
02:43amazing how few people are prepared to eat them must have sucked up a penny I better change the
02:58old bag there yes just gonna get a fresh one something smells good what is it it's me
03:09you're five minutes away from the greatest meal of your life man so set your taste buds on death
03:15calm three yeah you've really made an effort here where'd you get all this stuff I just got sick and
03:19tired of using plastic knives and forks man so enter the medical unit and nick some gear this is a
03:23scalpel
03:25I'm supposed to cut my food with a scalpel something that's been inside someone's guts it's all been
03:30cleaned it's all been washed it's clean something that long ago in history may well have performed a
03:35certain popular Jewish operation I'm supposed to eat with this salads out of the fridge embryo
03:45refrigeration unit how many times it's clean it's been cleaned in the kidney balls next the colostomy
03:55back the chili sauce in it go come on man come on it's ready sit down sit down
04:24what about for you what about for me lemon juice the hell is that syringe what kind of syringe it's
04:39for
04:39cows artificial insemination it's clean it's all been sterilized you want lemon juice or what excuse me
04:49what about the meal this isn't a meal this is an autopsy the starter mama about the main course hey
04:56you
04:56think I got nothing better to do than hang around watching you serve chicken chasse in a stool
05:00bucket I don't know you pull out all the stops you make an echo try and do something with a
05:10little bit
05:10of extra class and where does it get you very cheeky
05:38oh I'm sorry to interrupt sir I just need to get a sorry oh no right and it's all right
05:44just running a few of the old home movies
05:49that's me there there's my brothers John Frank and Howard God we were close the four musketeers we
05:56used to call ourselves well the free musketeers actually they always let me be the Queen of Spain
06:03I mean yes I was the butt of the occasional practical joke but I mean nothing sinister
06:14just the usual boyhood pranks you know apple pie beds and black eye telescope and one time they
06:21even hit a small landmine in my sandpit took it from my father's gun cabinet and how were they
06:28supposed to know it was going to go off marvelous guys oh and uh who's that there an old girlfriend
06:33mr. Arnold sir hardly no not really your type I suppose silly old trout like that she's my mother
06:42oh god I am so sorry sir just forget it oh how can I forget it sir I compared your
06:50mother to a foolish
06:51aged blabbery fish I said she was a simple-minded scaly old piskeen she was an ugly lungless marine animal
07:01with galloping senility a putrid amphibious guilt breather with with with less brains than a mollusk
07:09I'll get it ah freeze there she is magnificent woman very prim very proper some say austere some people took
07:19her for cold thought she was aloof not a bit of it just despised idiots no time for fools tragic
07:27really otherwise we'd have got on famously
07:30well if you'll excuse me sir I'll go now this is very clearly a very private family moment I've uh
07:35I've no fish to embarrass you further I'll uh I'll let myself trout
07:40oh sir I don't
07:41I don't want you to panic on but it does appear as a very tiny possibility that there may very
07:50well in all likelihood
07:51possibly be a non-human life form on board you mean like last time when you got us all worked
07:57up we
07:57went scooting off down to the cargo bay complete with bazookoids and backpacks and it turned out to be one
08:02of Lister's socks I didn't recognize the genetic structure biologically speaking they were a completely new life form
08:10absolutely ridiculous I felt the total goit
08:12well I think you should take your butchers where is it I lost it somewhere along the habitation decks
08:18fucking a moment's peace
08:23enjoying your meal sir it's delicious great geese megan licious it's my own recipe you know
08:29charme kebab diablo it's beautiful man it's like eating molten lava
08:34I've got one for peterson once you know he was in sickbay for the weed what a weed oh yeah
08:43sir I didn't say anything sir
08:53you seriously like them that time he's trying to kill me oh it's a good one huh
09:00it went under here I can see it you all right sir shh smack it's going what how could that
09:06be where could it go
09:08we better get out of here crying something very weird is going on something very fair
09:18oh
09:18oh
09:18oh
09:18oh
09:18oh
09:21oh
09:21oh
09:22oh
09:22oh
09:22oh
09:22oh
09:22oh
09:22oh
09:22oh
09:22Oh, God! My book's alive, man! I'm getting smaller!
09:25Oh, no! Help me, please!
09:28Oh, please! I'm begging you!
09:30Oh, God!
09:33Get him off!
09:35Get him off!
09:36Get him off!
09:37Get him off!
09:37Get him off!
09:37Get him off!
09:46Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked.
09:50You'll bonk anything, won't you, Liston?
09:53Right in the boxes. Where are they?
09:54I threw them over here.
09:56Are you sure?
09:56There's nothing here.
09:58Just the blanket and the pillows and the snake!
10:01Snake!
10:02Snake!
10:03Snake!
10:06What the snag is going on?
10:08I hate snakes. They freak me out totally, snakes.
10:12They are my all-time second-worst for you, Guy.
10:16What's your first?
10:21This?
10:31Are you okay?
10:33As far as we can tell, yes.
10:35So, where'd the creature go?
10:36Well, it turned into a sort of splodgy, squelchy thing and squidged off down the corridor.
10:41Is it some kind of alien?
10:42No.
10:43It's from Earth.
10:44Man-made.
10:45I checked out its DNA profile.
10:47Some kind of genetic experiment that went wrong.
10:50Hmm.
10:50Apparently, it was an attempt to create the ultimate warrior.
10:53A mutant that could change shape to suit its terrain and deceive its enemies.
10:57So, what did go wrong?
10:59It's insane.
11:01Feeds off your negative emotions.
11:03Fear, guilt, anger, paranoia drains them out of its prey.
11:07Hmm.
11:07It's a sort of emotional vampire.
11:10It changes shape to provoke a negative emotion.
11:12In Lister's case, it took him to the very limit of his terror and then sucked out his fear.
11:17So, now Lister's got no sense of fear?
11:20Precisely.
11:21What are we going to do?
11:23Well, I say, let's get out there and twat it.
11:28Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to us.
11:31I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it. You saw it. It took me by
11:34surprise.
11:36Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine.
11:40But once a Barney, we'll give it one. One swift knee and a happy sax, it'll drop like anyone else.
11:46Right, we'll bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy.
11:49I'm going to rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with a tonsil end.
11:53Yes, yes, very good.
11:54I'm going to stick my fist so far down its cock and be able to pull a label off its
11:58underpants.
11:59Yes, yes, quite a...
12:03What's that, pal? You starting trouble?
12:06It's just a little something to calm you down, sir.
12:09Come on, then, all of you slags.
12:11All together, one at a time. I don't care. It's all the same to me.
12:18Thank God for that.
12:19Right, as far as I can see it, we have two options.
12:22One, take it on and kill it. Or two, run away.
12:26Who's for two?
12:28Two sounds pretty good to me, sir.
12:30It's always been my lucky number.
12:32Right, well, let's load up Starbug and get out of here.
12:34What about Lister?
12:35Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside. He'll be safe here until we're ready to go.
12:39Remember, it's out there, and it could be anything.
12:42Let's move it.
12:43What about the Space Corps Directive, which states it is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms,
12:49exchange information, and wherever possible, bring them home?
12:53What about the Rimmer Directive, which states never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?
13:11It's here.
13:14We're in.
13:15Somewhere.
13:17Set the bazookoids to Heat Seeker.
13:22When you see it, aim roughly in its direction, and the Heat Seekers will do the rest.
13:42It's in the shadows. It's in the shadows. It's in the shadows. There. There. There.
13:48Sorry. My fault. False alarm.
13:53Idiot.
14:01I don't understand it. Holograms don't produce heat, and neither do androids.
14:05What are they homing in on?
14:10So long, guys.
14:32I have another jetzt.
14:37Oh my God.
14:41Thank you for your support.
14:43Oh, not 100% of the energy!
14:44Just the Fermi made the office ring pop me with potential doors.
14:47Oh, come on. Give me a break.
14:59You either got it or you ain't.
15:01Boys, you ain't even close.
15:05Cat, where are you?
15:07Over here.
15:08Stay put. They'll come and find you.
15:11Keep talking.
15:24What are you looking for?
15:26Dude, it's dangerous. It can turn into anything.
15:29It sounds like you see, Harry.
15:32It is, baby. Believe me.
15:35It must take a really brave sort of guy to do this kind of work.
15:39Well, I guess you're right.
15:41And smart. I bet you have to be smart.
15:44Smart? Yeah, you definitely have to be smart.
15:47Like I say, you can turn into anything.
15:49You've got to have your witch about you all the time.
15:51Don't let up for one second or it'll just creep up on you and flip your dog meat.
15:56Come on, man.
15:59You know, you're really quite a guy. Brave, smart, handsome.
16:04Oh, you think handsome?
16:06Oh, come on.
16:08You know, you're probably the best looking guy I've ever seen.
16:11Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
16:13You know what I'd really like?
16:15I'd really like to make love to a guy like you.
16:20Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.
16:24Let's see, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds' time?
16:29Nothing I couldn't cancel.
16:32Hi. I'm the cat.
16:34Ah. I'm the genetic mutant.
16:47It's got him. It's got him.
16:50Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?
16:53Is he dead?
16:55Unconscious, but according to the Psyscan, he appears to have lost an emotion.
16:59Which emotion?
17:00He's lost his vanity.
17:01This is your fault, right?
17:03My fault?
17:04We were supposed to stick together. We let the cat run off alone.
17:07But it wasn't. I mean, I trusted you.
17:09Now look at him.
17:10Oh, please. I feel so.
17:12Guilty.
17:13Yes.
17:14Guilty!
17:26Ha!
17:28Ha!
17:29Ha!
17:40What's his debt? Let's bring get out of here.
17:42It's got my guilt.
17:43I have lost a single emotion which prevents my transgression,
17:46the moors, mares, and manners of civilized society.
17:49Stop your blithering, Crichton. Come on, grab the cat and let's go.
17:52Oh, screw you, Hadron-head.
18:03Where have you been? Let's go.
18:05I've been getting myself comfortable, man.
18:10Come on, Crichton. You're holding us all up.
18:12Yeah, who cares?
18:14You're going to get us all killed.
18:16So?
18:27Oh, look. It's Bonehead's mum.
18:31Mother.
18:32Hello, dear.
18:33What are you doing?
18:35What does it look like, darling?
18:37You've just made love to my mother.
18:39Yeah, do you want to make something of it?
18:41It's not your mother, it's the polymorph.
18:42You've just had my mum.
18:45Five times.
18:46He was like a wild stallion.
18:49Very prill, very proper, almost or steered.
18:54Don't fall for it, Arne. It's trying to make you angry.
18:57Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action.
18:59He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine room.
19:04I think I'm going to be sick.
19:06Don't get angry. That's what it wants.
19:08Blister and mother, it's a dream come true.
19:12It's so energetic.
19:14I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out.
19:18I'm not.
19:19But the pistons have been here, too.
19:22Terrific.
19:23That sounds enchanting.
19:25Well done.
19:25Aye.
19:26The things this boy can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti,
19:30I call it Arne.
19:32Alphabetti Spaghetti?
19:51Who is it now?
19:52It's gone back down to the cargo bays,
19:54sleeping off a four-course meal of fear, vanity, guilt and anger.
19:57You better get it before it comes back for seconds.
20:02Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine
20:05that salivates unspeakable slobber
20:08doesn't mean it's a bad person.
20:11What we've got to do is get it round a table,
20:13put together a solution package,
20:15perhaps over tea and biscuits.
20:16Look at him.
20:17You can't trust his opinion.
20:18He's got no anger.
20:19He's a total dork.
20:20Good point, Crichton.
20:22Let's take that on board, shall we?
20:25David, David,
20:26do you have anything you want to bring to this forum?
20:29Well, yes, I have, actually, Arnold.
20:31Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores,
20:33get the nuclear warheads
20:35and then strap one to my head?
20:37I'll nut the smegger to oblivion.
20:40Right, well, that's very nice, David.
20:42Let's put that on the back burner.
20:45Cat, let's have your contribution.
20:46Come on.
20:47Don't ask me my opinion.
20:49I'm nobody.
20:49I'm not here.
20:51That's lovely.
20:52Thank you very much.
20:55Moving on a step,
20:56and I hope no one thinks
20:57that I'm setting myself up
20:58as a self-elected chairperson.
20:59Just see me as a facilitator.
21:02Crichton, what's your view?
21:03Don't be shy.
21:04Well, I think we should send Lister in as a decoy.
21:06And while it's busy eating him alive,
21:08we can creep up on it on a wearis
21:10and blast it into the stratosphere.
21:12Good plan.
21:13That's the best plan, yeah.
21:16Let it get knackered eating me to death.
21:18And you guys can just, like, catch it on a wearis.
21:21Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes.
21:24But here's my proposal.
21:26Let's get tough.
21:27The time for talking is over.
21:30Call it extreme if you like,
21:31but I propose we hit it hard
21:33and hit it fast
21:34with a major,
21:35and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
21:39And while it's reeling from that,
21:42we follow up with a whist drive,
21:44a car boot sale,
21:45some street theatre,
21:46and possibly even some benefit concerts.
21:49OK?
21:49Now, if that's not enough,
21:51I'm sorry, it's time for the T-shirts.
21:54Mutants out.
21:56Chameleonic lifeforms?
21:57No thanks.
21:59And if that's not enough,
22:00well, I don't know what will be.
22:01Has anyone ever told you
22:03that you are a disgusting,
22:04pus-filled bubo
22:06who has all the wit, charm,
22:08and self-possession
22:09of an Alsatian dog
22:10after a head-swap operation?
22:13Listen, you bunch of tarts.
22:14It's clobbering time.
22:17There's a body bag out there
22:19with that scud ball's name on it,
22:20and I'm doing up the zip.
22:22Anyone who gets in me way
22:24gets a napalm enema.
22:26I think everybody's right.
22:28Except me.
22:29So just forget that, Alice.
22:31What?
22:32Um, I think we're all beginning
22:34to lose sight of the real issue here,
22:36which is,
22:37what are we going to call ourselves?
22:39Um, and I think
22:40it comes down to a choice
22:41between the League Against Salivating Monsters
22:44or my own personal preference,
22:46which is the Committee for the Liberation
22:48and Integration of Terrifying Organisms
22:50and their Rehabilitation into Society.
22:54Um, one drawback with that,
22:56the abbreviation is Clitoris.
23:01It needs killing.
23:03And if that means I have to sacrifice my life
23:06in some stupid, pointless way,
23:07then all the better.
23:09Yes, why not?
23:10I mean, even if it doesn't work,
23:11it'll still be a laugh.
23:12Right, so just cut all of this business
23:15and go on with it.
23:16Last one alive's a wet puns.
23:19Who's with me?
23:20Well, the car stickers aren't ready
23:22till Thursday,
23:22but sometimes
23:24one just has to act spontaneously.
23:26People, let's go.
23:27Hey, I'm coming too.
23:29Maybe I can borrow some money, Bobby.
23:31Maybe if I hand you guys over,
23:33it'll let me go.
23:34Move it, suckers!
23:41Move it, suckers!
23:48Move it, suckers!
24:12Come on, you chicken.
24:14Show us your slobbery chops and we'll blow them off.
24:19Here they are.
24:21Nice, juicy humans.
24:23Come and get them.
24:23Here, mutie mutant.
24:49What am I wearing?
24:51Oh, how can you ever forgive me, sirs?
24:54Naturally, I will commit suicide immediately.
24:56Hey, you're all a bit whacked out there.
24:59You'll say that again.
25:01Come on, let's go and clean up.
25:02If I don't get into some coordinated evening wear,
25:05I'm going to have to resign my post as most handsome guy in the ship.
25:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
25:35It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
25:39I'm all alone, more or less
25:42Let me fly far away from here
25:46Fun, fun, fun
25:48In the sun, sun, sun
25:52I want to lie, shipwrecked and combatoes
25:56Drinking fresh mango juice
25:59Goldfish shows, nibbling at my toes
26:03Fun, fun, fun
26:05In the sun, sun, sun
26:08Fun, fun, fun
26:12In the sun, sun, sun
26:22Linedê±° hein
26:24A beautiful light
26:25Now, it's light
26:31In the sun
26:31The moon
26:32I'm happy
26:32I Anwal
26:32The moon
26:32The moon
26:33It's hot
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