A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
01:55That is one option.
01:56Any alternatives?
01:57None that occur.
01:59Hey, wait a minute.
02:00I've got it.
02:01Don't fish swim south of the winter?
02:02No, that's birds, sir.
02:05Birds swim south of the winter?
02:06How do they breathe?
02:10Guys.
02:12Rimet, you're getting this.
02:15Got it.
02:16Looks like Norman Bates' mum.
02:19Human, male, Caucasian.
02:22Cause of death, gunshot wound to the head.
02:24From the entry and exit wounds, most likely self-inflicted.
02:28Here's another one!
02:31Two suicides.
02:32There's more!
02:37Oh, male, oriental.
02:39Clearly he committed seppuku.
02:40Hey!
02:41Look what I found.
02:43Species unknown.
02:44Similar to earth haddock.
02:46Cause of death?
02:47Suffocation.
02:48What?
02:49What is it?
02:49But this fish suffocated in water.
02:52It voluntarily closed its own gills.
02:54Are you saying this haddock committed suicide?
02:57I merely stated the known facts.
03:00This fish relinquished its life of its own free will.
03:03Damn fool!
03:06Why would the hat kill itself?
03:09Why am I even asking that question?
03:12Hold it. Hang five guys.
03:14I'm getting something.
03:15He committed suicide.
03:16He committed suicide.
03:17He committed suicide.
03:18And a fish committed suicide.
03:20There's some kind of link here that I can't quite know.
03:24Hang on a minute, guys.
03:26Check this.
03:30This.
03:32It's an unknown compound.
03:34Best guess some kind of hallucinogenic venom secreted by a pisking source.
03:38Not unlike the earth octopus or giant squid.
03:41So this is octopus ink?
03:42Well, I'm just completing a chemical analysis.
03:45Uh, what?
03:47Come on, sir.
03:47We have to go.
03:48What's happening?
03:49We have to go!
03:51Crichton, what's going on?
03:52Entering airlock.
03:54Repressurizing now.
03:56Some kind of sea creature, a lifeboat we've never encountered before, attacked this ship.
04:00Its defense mechanism is a curious one.
04:03It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic, which dysfunctions its prey by inducing despair.
04:09Now, that's why the crew members and even that fish had committed suicide.
04:13Unfortunately, we have been contaminated.
04:15It's a greatly reduced dose, but we may find that we do experience...
04:21...of despair and anguish.
04:23What about Lister and the cat?
04:25I'm okay.
04:26I don't seem to be affected.
04:28It's true.
04:29I don't think anyone's ever truly loved me in my entire life.
04:32There's nothing new about that.
04:35What's gotten into you guys?
04:36This is like Saturday night at the Wayne War.
04:39Why's it always me that it has to be the strong one?
04:42How many of you guys would just fall apart?
04:45We should get back as soon as we can and then take a mood stabilizer, suggest lithium carbonate.
04:52I know emotionally this probably isn't the news you want to hear right now, but there's a blob on the
04:57sonoscope the size of New Mexico.
05:01And it's heading your way.
05:02I think our friend the suicide squid is about to make an appearance.
05:06Where is it precisely?
05:07Directly above you, about 2,000 fathoms and diving.
05:10Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmick.
05:12You have a statement and you have to go and give us news like that.
05:15You couldn't have lied?
05:16I was lying.
05:17It's only 1,000 fathoms.
05:20We're entering Starbucks airlock now.
05:29What's it doing?
05:31It's trying to work out what we are.
05:32Cut the power.
05:35This venom, are we safe in here?
05:37It penetrates me to the hull of a Class D Space Corps seeding ship in comparison with a sardine tin.
05:44It's moving.
05:45Where?
05:45Down.
05:46Speed.
05:4715 knots, 16, 18...
05:49It's diving.
05:50Course.
05:51Collision.
05:51Do we move or stay?
05:5325 knots, 35, 50...
05:55It's coming straight for us.
05:56There's only three alternatives.
05:58It thinks we're either a threat, fool or a mate.
06:00It's going to either kill us or eat us or hump us.
06:02I would persuade them that we're not that kind of oceanic salvage vessel.
06:06Or this garb of pronto.
06:07To be diddled by a giant squid on a first date?
06:09Think how we'd feel in the morning.
06:11Okay.
06:12We're going to try to run it.
06:13Holly, hit the power and give me manual.
06:23change bearing, 105.
06:25Some natural caverns about three clicks away.
06:27Might give us some cover.
06:28That's a yo, Holly.
06:30New coast set.
06:38Jesus!
06:38Look out!
07:10It will be several minutes before your real-life memories return, so in the meantime, please disengage the game-playing
07:18machinery and relax until an attendant is free to answer any of your questions.
07:23On behalf of Leisure World International, may we be the first to say, welcome back to reality.
07:37This is a very, very bad dream, right?
07:45I'm not a hologram.
07:47I'm half-human.
07:48What the hell's happened to my teeth?
07:56I can learn from beer bottles with my overbite.
08:01All right, lads. How you feeling? Bit wonky?
08:04It's perfectly normal. We'll write as rain in 20 minutes.
08:08So, if you could just move through to the Recuperation Lounge, I could get things ready for the next lot.
08:13The next lot?
08:14That's a very popular game. It's Red Dwarf.
08:16It's got a two-year waiting list. And we've got 20 machines.
08:19So, how'd you get killed, then?
08:21Some kind of squid.
08:23The despair squid? There's no way that should have killed you.
08:26Once you use the laser cannons, it's obvious.
08:28Starbuck doesn't... didn't have a laser cannon capability.
08:32You twonk. Use the laser cannons on the crash... what's it? Esperanto. That's how you get out of it.
08:38How were we supposed to know that, you brummy git?
08:42Esperanto. That's a clue, isn't it? Esperanto. Hope. Hope defeats despair. The despair squid. It's a blatant clue, isn't it?
08:50Blatant.
08:50Bloomin' heck. If you didn't get that, you must have been playing like puddings.
08:54Which one was playing Lister, then?
08:57Me.
08:58Did you get Kachansky?
09:00Was I supposed to?
09:03Supposed to? That's the objective of the game for Lister, you twonk.
09:07I mean, you're separated to begin with. Then, basically, it's a love story across time, space, death and reality.
09:13You must have got the easy stuff, though.
09:14Here, what did you think of the planets of the nymphomaniacs?
09:18The planet of the what?
09:19What, you missed that? Oh, that's the right thing.
09:22Some people spend years on that.
09:25Which one was Rimmer?
09:27Me.
09:28Oh, he's amazing, isn't he?
09:29Gee, he can say that again.
09:31How long did it take you to suss him out, then?
09:33Oh, I had him sussed right from the beginning.
09:35What, really? He found the captain's message right away.
09:41What captain's message?
09:42The one that's sitting in the micro dot in the eye in Rimmer's swimming certificate.
09:46Well, that's the clue, isn't it?
09:48Rimmer having a swimming certificate and not being able to swim.
09:51And that's a clue.
09:52It's a blatant clue, isn't it?
09:55A blatant clue to what?
09:56A blatant clue to the truth behind Rimmer.
09:59What truth?
10:00The truth to why he's such an insufferable prat.
10:03That's because of his parents, his upbringing, his background, the fact he was never loved.
10:06No, no, no.
10:08Yes, yes, yes.
10:09No, no, no.
10:10Yes, yes, yes.
10:11No!
10:13What was it, then?
10:15He was a hand-picked special agent from the Space Corps.
10:18He doesn't memory arrays and was programmed to act like a complete swonk.
10:21So no-one would suspect he was on a secret mission to destroy Red Dwarf in order to guide Lister
10:25to his destiny as creator of the second universe.
10:27Do you what?
10:28Yeah.
10:30You know that bit where Lister jump-starts the second big bang with jump-lades from Starbuck?
10:35Jump-starts the second big bang?
10:38Well, that's the final irony, isn't it?
10:40Lister, the ultimate atheist, turns out, in fact, to be God.
10:44What?
10:44What?
10:45It's all in the captain's message.
10:46It's all in the microtons.
10:48Hang on a minute.
10:49Is he?
10:50Are you seriously telling me you were playing the Pratt version of Rimmer for all that time?
10:55For four years?
10:57Oh!
10:58Whoa!
10:58That's a classic, Daddy.
10:59That's a classic.
11:01All right, lads.
11:02Which one's Lister?
11:04Right.
11:05You've got your food bag, biofeedback cafeture.
11:09It's all there.
11:09You can start plugging yourself in.
11:11Here, whatever you do, don't mix the food pipe up with the cafeture, will you?
11:14Hey, some bloke did that.
11:15We didn't spot it for two days.
11:17Okay, right, in you go, son.
11:20Okay, cat, Rimmer.
11:22Give us a bit of room here, will you, please, chaps?
11:23Well, where do we go?
11:25We don't know who we are.
11:26Our memories haven't returned yet.
11:29The Recuperation Lounge.
11:30I keep telling you.
11:32Blimey, I wonder you only scored 4%.
11:35Phew, what a bunch of twonks.
11:42I'm not Lister, then.
11:44I'm not me, am I?
11:46None of us are who we thought we were, sir.
11:48This is going to take some getting used to.
11:50I'm not Rimmer, then.
11:51No.
11:53I'm not a hologram.
11:54I'm not Rimmer.
11:55Well, if we're not who we thought we were, who the hell are we?
11:59The kind of sad acts who want to spend 4 years playing a computer game.
12:03Either running away from God knows what,
12:06or we've got nothing worth living for in the first place.
12:09Is there a Duane Dibley in here?
12:11Pardon?
12:12Duane Dibley.
12:13No, sorry.
12:14Wait a minute.
12:15How do you know there's no one called Duane Dibley in here?
12:18It could be you.
12:19No, this is right.
12:20Dibley.
12:21This is the Dibley party.
12:23Which one's Duane Dibley?
12:31No.
12:31No, no, no, please.
12:32I don't want to be Duane Dibley.
12:35It's you.
12:36Here are your party's clothes and possessions.
12:38The medical officer will be down in 20 minutes.
12:40Duane Dibley?
12:41How can I be called Duane Dibley?
12:43It's true.
12:44It's got your photograph, name, address on it and everything.
12:48There's an anorak in here.
12:52White socks, nylon shirt, plastic sandals, air-tex vest, cardigan.
13:02Oh, and a key to the Salvation Army hostel.
13:07It doesn't make sense.
13:09I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it makes perfect sense.
13:14Duane?
13:16Imagine a guy with no aland, no style, a misfit.
13:20Doesn't it just make total sense that this hapless creature
13:23would give his buck teeth to play someone like the cat in a computer game?
13:27So this is really me?
13:29A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship?
13:36Crichton, open the next one.
13:39Listen, whoever you are,
13:41don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around.
13:44Because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy
13:47who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are.
13:49So before you start ordering me around,
13:51let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around,
13:54or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight being ordered around
13:57by whatever the kind of guy you are. Clear?
13:59All I said was open the next one.
14:02Right, this one's you.
14:04Oh, who am I?
14:07Wow!
14:09You're a detective?
14:10In the Cybernautic Division of the Police Department?
14:13Oh, golly.
14:15Really?
14:16Yeah.
14:16This is your badge.
14:17A detective, huh?
14:19What's my name?
14:20Jake.
14:21Jake Bullitt.
14:25Jake Bullitt.
14:27Cybernautic detective.
14:29I like that.
14:30That sounds like the kind of hard-living Flatfoot
14:33who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority.
14:37And if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it,
14:40well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit
14:44and swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.
14:51On the other hand, Mr. Bullitt,
14:53perhaps the Cybernautics Division is in charge of traffic control.
14:57And you just happen to have a rather silly, macho name.
15:00Oh, yes.
15:00That's a very good point, sir.
15:02I didn't think of that.
15:04Dwayne Dibley?
15:07So, whoever you are, who's next?
15:10I don't want to know.
15:11Someone else will.
15:12Stand aside.
15:13Let the law handle this.
15:16Hmm.
15:18No photograph.
15:19Name?
15:20Billy Doyle.
15:22Not necessarily.
15:23It's not necessarily me.
15:25Billy Doyle.
15:26Well, that's a name that came from the wrong side of the tracks, isn't it?
15:29You can see it all now.
15:31A youth spent in and out of corrective institutions.
15:33A string of illegitimate children.
15:35The wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs.
15:40Has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance.
15:43Before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun.
15:47Somehow it goes off.
15:48An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobble hat.
15:52All he can do is hide.
15:54But where?
15:55And then it hits him.
15:57With his ill-gotten gains, he can buy four years in a computer game.
16:00And wait till the heat's off.
16:02So ends the ballad of Billy Granny Killer Doyle.
16:06It's yours.
16:09What?
16:10It's yours.
16:12Bill.
16:13No.
16:14Check the ugly McGonny ID then, man.
16:17William Doyle.
16:20William Doyle.
16:22Good old Bill Doyle.
16:24You know, that sounds like a hell of a good name to me.
16:27Probably connected with the Boston Doyles, old money, blue chip stock.
16:32You know, I think it's all beginning to come back to me now.
16:35What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such undoubted good breeding would be doing wearing a coat that
16:41smells like an elderly male yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.
16:45Well, isn't it obvious?
16:46No, it isn't.
16:49Oh, my God.
16:50My name's Billy Doyle and my cologne is eau de yak urine.
16:56So who am I then?
17:08Wow!
17:09Look at my gear.
17:12This stuff's really, really expensive.
17:15Are you quite absolutely sure this isn't my box?
17:18Who are you?
17:19What do you do?
17:20Work for some company.
17:21CGI.
17:23I've got a limo in the long-term car park.
17:26Well, clearly you are privy to all the brakes and advantages that life denied poor old William Doyle here.
17:31Sir, I think you should take a look at this.
17:34William, meet your brother, Sebastian.
17:40Well, half-brothers, uterinal.
17:42Same mother.
17:46This is a crazy idea.
17:48We can't leave now.
17:49Our memories haven't returned yet.
17:52We've got to find out more about ourselves.
17:54I refuse to accept I'm his alky dropout, yak coat-wearing half-brother.
17:57Dwayne Dimpley.
18:00Dwayne Dimpley.
18:02Dwayne Dimpley.
18:24Dwayne Dimpley.
18:42Oh, vote fascist for the third glorious decade
18:46of total law enforcement.
18:48Be a government informer.
18:50Betray your family and friends.
18:52Fabulous prizes to be won.
19:01Here it is.
19:07This is your club.
19:09Bay 47.
19:11Hold or I'll fire.
19:14Move, voters.
19:16Move one inch and I'll crush every bone in your body.
19:21You hooked an enemy of democracy, Escaf.
19:25Move, she was stealing an apple of the people.
19:29Bullets, cybernautics.
19:31It's traffic control.
19:36Kneel, voters.
19:38You are under sentence of death.
19:42Come out of the shadows, voter.
19:46What's the beef?
19:47Did you steal your lunchbox?
19:49Many, many apologies, voter colonel.
19:52Had I known it was you, I...
19:57Forgive me.
19:58You know me?
19:59Of course, voter colonel.
20:01Who am I?
20:03You are Colonel Sebastian Doyle.
20:06Section Chief of CGI.
20:08Head of Ministry of Alteration.
20:11Remind me a little.
20:12Well, what exactly do we do at the Ministry of Alteration?
20:17You change people, voter colonel.
20:21In what way?
20:23You change them from being alive people to being dead people.
20:28To purify democracy.
20:30Purify?
20:31No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes than the voter colonel.
20:35So why has he been away for four years?
20:37Excuse me, voter colonel, but this is some sort of test.
20:43Answer him.
20:45The rumor was that you had...
20:47grown weary of your glorious duties
20:50and you had gone away in secret to renew yourself.
20:59Hold!
21:08I killed him.
21:12Just get out of here.
21:13In the car!
21:15Get in the car!
21:16I killed him!
21:17You haven't returned to that Crichton in the car!
21:19I killed a human!
21:20In the car!
21:26Look out!
21:26Fascist cops by the left and they're armed!
21:29You're hit!
21:30Hello?
21:31For the 3,000th time, you're hallucinating.
21:33Can anyone hear me?
21:35Uh-oh, speed bumps.
21:41Shagane!
21:46Look out, the barrier.
21:49Brace yourselves.
21:50We're going through it.
21:55Motorcycles.
21:55Looks like they're carrying personal rocket launchers.
21:58That bridge, you think we can make it?
22:00It's raising.
22:01Bloody better ideas.
22:02Let's do it!
22:12We've made it!
22:14Nice driving!
22:15Salaam, suckers!
22:18Uh-oh.
22:19Helicopters.
22:22Oh, I'm going to have to dump the limo.
22:27Okay, come on, go!
22:29Go!
22:30Go!
22:33Go!
22:45I killed him.
22:46I killed a human.
22:50Damn.
22:51What were you doing?
22:52It is fundamental to me never to take a life, no matter what the provocation.
22:56I could have stunned him.
22:57I killed him.
22:58I must terminate myself.
23:00This is a nightmare.
23:02I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer and a mass murderer and a man in
23:06a bright nylon shirt.
23:08It's a flotsam, jetsam, human, wrecking sputer bag who smells like a yak latrine.
23:13Now my best flashing mag is about to get splattered with an android's brain.
23:17I'm off to you with a gun.
23:19Yeah, count me in two.
23:20Ditto.
23:21But there's only one bullet left.
23:23Oh, we could all put our heads together and the bullet could go down the line.
23:29Right, I'm broadcasting on a higher frequency.
23:32Can you hear me now?
23:33Did somebody say something?
23:34You're hallucinating.
23:36Put the gun down.
23:37I think I'm going to put the gun down.
23:40Walk forward three paces.
23:42I think I'm going to walk forward three paces.
23:47Well, he's cracking up.
23:49I have a strange compulsion to pick up this fire extinguisher.
23:52And twist the release wheel.
23:55Have you quite finished being strange?
23:59I'm sorry, sir.
24:00I don't know what came over me.
24:05Okay.
24:06Okay.
24:08You're hallucinating.
24:10You're hallucinating.
24:12What?
24:13I thought you weren't going to make it.
24:15Welcome back to reality.
24:16What happened?
24:17You had a group hallucination.
24:19Brought on by the ink from the despair squid.
24:21You were about to commit suicide, just like the crew of the Esperanto, till the mood stabilizer saved you.
24:27The lithium carbonate.
24:29What?
24:30We really would have killed ourselves.
24:31Of course.
24:32The hallucinations were designed to induce despair.
24:36To attack the very things we each consider quintessential to our self-esteem.
24:41Well, take Mr. Rimmer.
24:43Back there, he could no longer blame his failings and shortcomings on his parents, because he shared an upbringing with
24:48you, sir, his richer, more important half-brother.
24:50The cat lost his cool and life for him, no longer had any meaning, because he is so mind-meltingly
24:56shallow.
24:57Right.
24:58Superficial is my middle name.
25:00And you, sir, you have always prided yourself on being a good man, a man of moral courage.
25:05So, when you thought you were a mass-murdering butcher in a totalitarian state, despair.
25:11Despair destined to drive you over the edge.
25:14And with you, it was taking a human life?
25:17Precisely.
25:19I'm not doing deeply.
25:21No.
25:22I am, Rimmer.
25:24I'm afraid so.
25:27So, what happened to the despair squid?
25:29I took care of that.
25:30Limpet mines.
25:31There's enough fried calamari out there to feed the whole of Italy.
25:34Well, I say let's get out of here.
25:36Flight coordinates programmed.
25:38Switching to pilot cooperation till we hit the surface.
25:43Those planet engineers really screwed up in a big way here, didn't they?
25:46Playing God.
25:48The evolutionary process threw up a life-form so much stronger and more deadly than any other species.
25:54Damn near wiped out everything on the entire planet.
25:57Spreading despair and destruction wherever it stuck its ugly mush.
26:02Sounds rather reminiscent of a species sitting not a million miles away from me now.
26:09You probably have to be a mechanoid to fully appreciate that one.
26:14Brighton, no one likes a smart-aleck android.
26:17Hit the retros.
26:20We're on our way, sir.
26:28It's cold outside.
26:30There's no kind of atmosphere.
26:32I'm all alone, more or less.
26:35Let me fly.
26:37I'm free from here.
26:39Fun, fun, fun.
26:42It's the sun, sun, sun.
26:55Fun, fun, fun.
26:59Fun, fun, fun.
27:02Fun, fun, fun.
27:05It's the sun, sun, sun.
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