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A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.

Tags

#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:11When I saw you for the first time, first time,
00:15I knew I had a river, river, and I got a funny feeling,
00:21feeling, in my kidneys and my liver,
00:24digestive system, baby, my hands, they started shaking,
00:28shaking, shaking, and I thought,
00:30began to thump in, my breath was quick, my body,
00:34feeling, in your heart, and you tell me something,
00:38you make me tongue-tie, tongue-tie, tongue-tie, tongue-tie,
00:42I knew I'd nearly be living, a titan, titan, titan,
00:50when I saw you cross the dance floor, dancing,
00:58when I saw you cross the dance floor, it went down to you,
01:02ran out of public life,
01:04speaking to you, talk-tall, Wait, my tongue unraveled to my knees,
01:08and your fingers and your thumbs,
01:09Wait, I tried to say, I love you, love you,
01:13but it came out kind of wrong, bro,
01:15wrong, bro,
01:16It sounded like noobity-doo
01:18Tongue-tied
01:21That's why you make me tongue-tied
01:24Tongue-tied
01:26Whenever you are near me
01:29Dabby-dabby-dabby-dabby-dabby
01:32Tongue-tied, tongue-tied
01:33Whenever you're around
01:38Oh, I'm begging on my knees
01:44Sweet, sweet darling, listen please
01:49Understand me when I say
02:15No, this isn't the one.
02:17What isn't?
02:18I'm looking for this dream I had last month on the dream recorder.
02:21It was sensational.
02:23What was it about?
02:24Me, three girls, and a family-sized tub of banana yogurt.
02:29You cats and a very strange attitude to women, if you ask me.
02:32Say what, goalpost head?
02:35It's all sex.
02:36There's no sense of settling down, having a long-term relationship.
02:39Hey, I want to settle down, and as soon as I find the right small group of girls,
02:44the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are over, buddy.
02:49You see, totally maladjusted.
02:51That's rich, you know.
02:52I mean, coming from the man whose favourite book is How to Pick Up Girls by Hypnosis.
02:57There's nothing wrong with that, Lister. It's a good book.
02:59Full of handy hints as well, and it works.
03:02Get out of town.
03:06That's how I met Lorraine, by hypnotising her.
03:09You hypnotised a girl into going out with you?
03:12Yes, I gave her the old, there's something in your eye technique.
03:17Fixed her with the mesmer stare.
03:21And bingo, she agreed to come on a date.
03:23What was wrong with her?
03:25Nothing.
03:25Come on, a girl agreed to go out with you and there was nothing wrong with her?
03:29Lister, she was an extremely attractive and bright young lady.
03:32Well, it must work then, eh?
03:34Of course, she had an artificial nose.
03:37What?
03:38Oh, tastefully done.
03:40Quality metal, no rivets.
03:43Come on, what happened?
03:45Well, things were a little bit stilted in the taxi.
03:47All my jokes about her nose hadn't gone down too well.
03:51And there were good gags.
03:52I mean, quality gags.
03:53Like, where are we going?
03:55Who knows?
03:57No cheap shots.
03:59Anyway, when we got to the restaurant,
04:01she must have had an attack of nerves or something.
04:03She said she was going to the loo and ended up climbing out of the toilet window.
04:06I wonder why.
04:08It's not because she didn't want to see me, Lister.
04:10She phoned the next day and said how much she'd love to come on another date with me.
04:14Only, suddenly she had to move to Pluto.
04:17You're a sad weasel of a man, you know that, Remy?
04:20No, it's just I'm ill at ease with the opposite sex.
04:23It's because you see them as some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery.
04:27They're not the people.
04:29You don't need your books on hypnosis.
04:31And what's the other one?
04:32What's the other one?
04:331001 fabulous chat-up lines.
04:36Lister, I do need that.
04:37It's brilliant.
04:38Those chat-up lines are guaranteed.
04:39There's no such thing.
04:41All right.
04:42You be a woman, okay?
04:45Sort of on your own, in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra.
04:51Okay, go on.
04:52This is the most incredible chat-up line you've ever heard in your life, guaranteed.
04:56Go on.
04:57Okay, in a bar, on your own.
05:03Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail?
05:05No.
05:06Well, you can't say no.
05:09It doesn't work if you say no, you've got to say yes.
05:11Right, okay, go on, go on.
05:15So, would you like a worm-do?
05:18What's that, then?
05:21What's what?
05:22A worm-do.
05:23What about it?
05:25Is this still the opening line?
05:28Look, you're not giving me the right reply.
05:29What is the right reply?
05:31I come up to you and say,
05:32Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?
05:34You say yes.
05:35I say, would you like a worm-do?
05:37You say, what's a worm-do?
05:39And I say...
05:39Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that.
05:42You know it.
05:43Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one.
05:48Eureka, I've done it.
05:50Done what?
05:50The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich.
05:53Samuel Morse invented the Morse code.
05:55Plato invented the plate.
05:58And now I, Holly, have invented the hollyhock drive.
06:02Ooh, I can't wait to see it.
06:04It's monumental, this.
06:06It's epoch-making.
06:07The hollyhock drive can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space.
06:12What? You mean we could go back to Earth?
06:14In a matter of seconds.
06:16What? You mean we could go back to Earth, like, right now?
06:19This instant?
06:20Right on.
06:22Rock and roll!
06:36What is this it?
06:38What do you think?
06:39It's just...
06:40It's just a box with stop and start on it.
06:44It's fairly straightforward.
06:48If you want to start it, press start.
06:50You could work out the rest of the controls for yourself.
06:54It's absolutely pathetic.
06:57Right.
06:58Let's hollyhock.
06:59Engage drive.
07:00Drive engaged.
07:02Initiating ignition sequence.
07:04Ignition sequence initiated.
07:05Get on with it.
07:07Takes time, this.
07:08One slight error in any one of my 13 billion calculations.
07:11We'll all be blasted at smithereens.
07:13Here we go then.
07:14Ten.
07:15Nine.
07:16Eight.
07:17Six.
07:18Five.
07:18You missed out on seven.
07:20Did I?
07:21Yeah.
07:22I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.
07:26We're going to die.
07:30No problem.
07:31I'll start lower down.
07:34One.
07:35Blast off.
07:39We've done it.
07:40We're home.
07:41It worked?
07:43What at Earth?
07:44You must be joking.
07:45Half a month.
07:48It's gone.
07:50What at Earth?
07:51The Earth.
07:53It's missing.
07:54It's not there.
07:55Wait a minute.
07:56Sorry, I was looking out the wrong window.
08:00No.
08:01No.
08:01It has gone.
08:03The entire solar system is missing.
08:05Well, what is actually out there?
08:08Nothing.
08:08Just space.
08:10Holly.
08:11The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth.
08:16The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch.
08:22No.
08:23No, we have.
08:24It's just I don't know where we are.
08:26I've got to admit it.
08:27I flamingoed up.
08:29What?
08:29It's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger.
08:33Wait.
08:34There is something there.
08:35It's another ship.
08:37Aliens.
08:37Punch it up.
08:39It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf.
08:41Eh?
08:42So what's happened?
08:44Well, somehow.
08:45Don't ask me how.
08:46We've jumped into a parallel universe.
08:47We've entered the fifth dimension.
08:49What's the fifth dimension?
08:51Didn't they get to number six with Baby I Want Your Love thing?
08:55You've got your basic dimensions right.
08:57Length, breadth, depth and time.
08:59The fifth dimension is coexisting realities.
09:01Two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence.
09:05Sounds like my parents in bed.
09:09So hang on.
09:10This is another Red Dwarf with another Rimmer and Lister on board.
09:13Will they be exactly the same as us?
09:15No, there'll be differences.
09:17It's a parallel universe, innit?
09:18What do you mean?
09:19Well, for instance, in this universe could be that Hitler won the Second World War.
09:23Could be something even more incredible like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer.
09:29Hang on.
09:29I'm linking up with their onboard computer.
09:32Hello.
09:32I'm Hilly.
09:33Hello.
09:34I'm Holly.
09:35Hello, Holly.
09:36Hello, Hilly.
09:38Well, this is a turn up, innit?
09:40You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.
09:43Right on, sis.
09:45See ya, Hol.
09:46See ya, Hill.
09:49I'm in there.
10:08It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf.
10:11There's a very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit.
10:16Smells like your moon boots, man.
10:18I'm gonna get rid of it.
10:21That's mine.
10:22This is mine.
10:24So where's the other Rimmer and Lister?
10:32So, you're not aliens.
10:34Hi.
10:35Hi.
10:40How do you do?
10:41How do you do?
10:42So you must be Lister.
10:44And you are too?
10:45Hope so.
10:46You must be Rimmer.
10:47So am I.
10:48Splendid.
10:51Deb.
10:52Dave.
10:52Arnold.
10:53Arlene.
10:54Indeedy.
11:12So you come from a universe which is exactly the same as ours, can I?
11:16Yeah.
11:21Only everything's opposite.
11:23Well, I don't know if everything's opposite.
11:26It seems like that.
11:27So you come from a female-orientated society?
11:31Well, it's not exactly female-orientated anymore.
11:34Not since the sixties.
11:35You know, with equal rights for men marchers.
11:39You know, when they burned the jockstraps and all that.
11:42Stop.
11:44Haven't you read The Male Eunuch by Jeremy Greer?
11:47So your history's parallel to ours as well.
11:50So hang on.
11:52Erm.
11:52Who was the first person on the moon?
11:54Nellie Armstrong.
11:57Nellie Armstrong!
12:00So...
12:00Who wrote Hamlet?
12:01Will.
12:02Shakespeare.
12:03Ah.
12:03So he was a bloke?
12:04No, she was a woman.
12:06Wilma Shakespeare.
12:07Yeah, she wrote all the greats.
12:10Rachel the Third.
12:11Taming of the Shrimp.
12:12Oh my God.
12:13What's this?
12:14Like Camera Monthly magazine.
12:16But it's disgusting.
12:18It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars.
12:22What's wrong with that?
12:23You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you?
12:28So sexual attitudes are opposite as well.
12:30What's that, my little cupcake?
12:33Your little what?
12:35But it just looks ridiculous.
12:37I mean, these models are deformed.
12:39Hugely deformed.
12:40Makes one feel quite inadequate.
12:45I wouldn't worry about that, my pretty.
12:48Hey, holograms can touch each other.
12:51Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
12:52I hate to break up the party, but is this somebody missing?
12:56How do you mean?
12:57Well, Lister, female opposite.
13:00Rimmer, female opposite.
13:02Where's mine?
13:03All right.
13:05Moochin' around the cargo decks, I think.
13:08All my life I've waited for this moment and now it has arrived.
13:12Hey, listen.
13:13If you hear me screaming, do not, I repeat, do not come to the rescue.
13:21I'm gonna get you, little kitty.
13:24I think he's in for a bit of a shock.
13:26Why?
13:27His opposite isn't female.
13:29What is it?
13:30It's a dog.
13:35Oh, boy, where'd they go?
13:37I get so dang panicky when they go off and leave them on my own like this.
13:42Damn, these fleas.
13:43I'm gonna get you, little kitty.
13:46I'm gonna get you, little kitty.
13:56I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
14:01Well, trash my shorts.
14:03What a funny looking dog.
14:06Better make myself look big.
14:09Put it there, buddy.
14:10Put it right there.
14:12What kind of toothpaste does he use?
14:14Rotting meat flavor?
14:16Come on, now.
14:17I wanna be your buddy.
14:19I'll tell you what.
14:20I'm gonna smell your behind.
14:23Then you can smell mine.
14:25Now, is that a deal?
14:27You wanna smell my what?
14:29Why, sure.
14:31Don't you wanna smell me?
14:32Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars.
14:36When's the last time you take a bath?
14:38Oh, please don't say that word.
14:40What, bath?
14:40You said it again.
14:42Now, listen up.
14:43If you're gonna say that word in front of me,
14:45please spell it.
14:47When's the last time you took a B-A-T-H?
14:51What's that?
14:53Yo, Captain.
14:55There you are.
14:56Come on.
14:57We're going to disco.
14:58What?
14:59Yeah, Holly says it's gonna take about 17 hours
15:01to repair the hot drive,
15:02so I thought we'd go and have a few
15:05bevvies like that.
15:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:07Well, come on.
15:08Hell!
15:08Hell!
15:11Cut.
15:12Get out!
15:40Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they?
15:41Yes, absolutely.
15:44Oh, yes.
15:45Like a house of fire.
15:46You can say that again.
15:47Oh, yes.
15:48Yes.
15:51Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on here.
15:53Oh, yes, yes.
15:56Absolutely.
15:59Funny, really.
15:59I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex.
16:02No, I'm not.
16:03I run out of things to say.
16:08Me too.
16:21Yes.
16:22That's nice.
16:24Hang on.
16:26Haven't you got something in your eye?
16:31You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you?
16:32No, of course not.
16:33Well, stop staring then.
16:34I'm not staring.
16:35Yes, you are.
16:35Okay, I read it in this book.
16:37It's great for picking up bits of totty.
16:42Well, I'd hardly describe myself as a bit of totty.
16:46Oh, yes.
16:49Totty, totty, totty.
16:53I think if I've rather too much to drink.
16:55I always get like this when I'm tanked up.
16:56Come on.
16:57You're interested.
16:59I assure you, I'm not.
17:00Why are you giving me all the signs then?
17:02What signs?
17:03Wearing such tight trousers.
17:06They're not tight.
17:07Of course they are.
17:08You're begging for it.
17:11I'm not totty and I'm not begging for anything.
17:14Come on, give us a snog.
17:15I promise I won't try to take off your underpants.
17:18Look, I'm sorry.
17:19I'm just not that kind of boy.
17:26Bridget.
17:30You're disgusting.
17:30You're only after me for one thing.
17:33Why?
17:33How many have you got?
17:39You're a great conversationalist, you know that?
17:41I am.
17:42But I ain't said nothing yet.
17:44Yeah, that's what I like best.
17:45Yo, listen, go on the bar.
17:46Do you want anything?
17:47Yeah, I'll have a grenade, thank you.
17:49A grenade?
17:50Yeah.
17:51I want to play fetch with the dog.
17:59Listy!
17:59How are you, me old mate?
18:00Come and join us.
18:02Please, God, come and join us.
18:04I won't be long.
18:09If you want to keep your beer cool,
18:11stick it between his legs.
18:15What was all that about?
18:17That is the most awful woman I've ever met.
18:20She's you?
18:21She's absolutely repugnant.
18:23She doesn't treat me like I'm a normal human being at all.
18:26She seems to regard me as some sort of discardable sex object.
18:29She's the female equivalent of you.
18:31Nonsense.
18:32She's maladjusted.
18:35Trust my luck to end up with Elle Weirder while you trap off with the one with the juicy jugs.
18:40You see?
18:41I mean, she thinks of men the exact same way you think of women. It's disgusting.
18:44She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way.
18:48I was just walking.
18:50Can I help it if I happen to be sexy?
18:53What's the other one like?
18:55Totally gross.
18:56She's unbelievable.
18:57She tried to impress me by drinking six pints of lager and belching the whole of Yankee Doodle Dandy.
19:04That's your party piece, isn't it?
19:06Yeah, but when I do it, it's really stylish, man.
19:11Class.
19:13So do you think you'll, um...
19:15What?
19:17Get out of town!
19:19I mean, she's a good laugh and all laugh, but all she wants to do is get, like, completely blitzed
19:23out of her brains and eat Vindaloo's.
19:25I mean, call me crazy, but I just don't find that attractive.
19:29How are you getting on, then?
19:31Well, put it this way.
19:32There'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight.
19:36Wallah!
19:36Eh?
19:38He doesn't look too interested to me.
19:40He looks more sort of, er... petrified.
19:44Oh, he just doesn't want me to think he's the ship's bike.
19:46But I'm getting the signs.
19:48He crossed his legs and made pretty damn sure I saw he was wearing sock suspenders.
19:53Oh, Rimmer, he's not interested.
19:56Maybe not now, but wait till I hit him with the Worm-Doo line.
20:01Hey, do you want to dance?
20:03Boy, I tell you, when I hit the dance floor, I am one mean turkey.
20:08Do you dance?
20:09Do I dance?
20:10Does Carmen Miranda wear fruit?
20:14All righty.
20:15You lead on, boy.
20:17Hold this.
20:19Fido.
20:26You call that dancing?
20:28No way, Jose.
20:30This is dancing.
20:40Well, what do you think, huh?
20:46Another dead heat?
20:47Again?
20:48That ain't dead heat on the run.
20:51Listen, I want to speak to Holly.
20:52Sure.
20:53Holly, how long before the hop drive's fixed?
20:55When can we get out of here?
20:56We're busy fixing it right now.
20:59Aren't we, Hilly?
21:00Yes, we are, Holly.
21:01Very busy fixing it right now.
21:03That's exactly what we're doing.
21:04What's that mark on your face, Hop?
21:06What face?
21:09The lipstick mark.
21:10That's not a lipstick mark.
21:12That's a computer rash.
21:13Holly, just get the hop drive fixed and get me out of here.
21:16What's the matter?
21:18Aren't you having a good time?
21:19A good time?
21:22Listen, I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone.
21:27If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something.
21:30Why, where's she gone?
21:31She's gone to get some sexy videos.
21:33She seems to think seeing two men together might turn me on.
21:38Where are you sleeping?
21:40I'm not telling you, it's too risky.
21:42Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
21:44I'm off to see the wizard.
21:47Oh, are you ready then?
21:52Okay, after three.
21:53Three.
21:55Meet yet.
22:10Oh, did I get drunk?
22:12Oh, did I get drunk?
22:19Or did I get drunk?
22:23Hi.
22:25Hi.
22:26Listen, did we, um...
22:29Can't remember.
22:31I can remember betting you that I could climb the disco wall using only me lips.
22:38And then...
22:40Oh, God, I juggled the goldfish, didn't I?
22:44Blindfold?
22:47And then...
22:49Away we did, didn't we?
22:52You pieces of filth.
22:55How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge?
22:58In my bunk, on my sheets, using my springs?
23:01How could you even contemplate making love to yourself?
23:05Uh-huh.
23:05Well, why break a habit of a lifetime?
23:10Leave it out!
23:11I was gone as old man.
23:12I was out of me school.
23:14Oh, hey, what's that supposed to mean?
23:15Well, I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known what I was doing.
23:19Oh, hey, thanks a lot.
23:21I hope you get pregnant.
23:23No offence, man, but you're not exactly Mr. Difficult to pull, are you?
23:27Talk about pushover.
23:29Well, that's rich coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.
23:34I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart.
23:38You what?
23:39Uh, him?
23:40How can he get pregnant?
23:42Well, if they didn't use precautions, he could be up the spout.
23:46But it's women who get pregnant.
23:49Since when?
23:50Since always.
23:52Me mother was a woman.
23:54Oh, Listie.
23:56Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
24:00If I'm understanding correctly,
24:02it appears that in their universe,
24:05it's the men who give birth to the babies.
24:08And as we are in their universe,
24:10you could very well possibly be up the duff, laddie.
24:15Come on, I'm not buying this.
24:17This is a wind-up.
24:18Don't get emotional, not on your condition.
24:21It's impossible.
24:22I haven't got the...
24:23the equipment, have I?
24:25Of course you have.
24:27You're in our universe.
24:28Our physical law applies.
24:29Sure, sir.
24:30Ollie, tell me this isn't true.
24:33It is.
24:36How could you do this to me?
24:38Do what?
24:39Fertilise me.
24:40Take advantage of me.
24:42No one had...
24:43I was drunk and I didn't have precautions.
24:45Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of things.
24:49It's the man's responsibility.
24:50It's the man who gets pregnant.
24:52It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth.
24:56Agony? This gets better and better.
24:59Well, what do you want me to do?
25:01I'm sorry, okay?
25:03Sorry.
25:04That's it.
25:05Sorry.
25:06Wham, bam.
25:06Thank you, mister.
25:09Well, there's no point standing around arguing about it.
25:11If it's happened, it's happened.
25:13Yeah.
25:14We'd better get back.
25:15I'll fix the hop drive.
25:16No, we can't go now, Hal.
25:18She could be the father of my child.
25:20If we don't go now, we won't be able to get back at all.
25:23Listen.
25:24Just because it's possible for you to get pregnant,
25:27it doesn't mean you necessarily are.
25:30You might get lucky.
25:38But then again, you might not.
25:41We'll find out when we get back, won't we, Listie?
25:44Engaging Hollyhop.
25:46Hollyhop engaged.
25:48Four, three, one.
25:49Blast off.
25:58I don't know why I'm going through it.
26:00This is just not possible.
26:02Why is it not possible?
26:03Male baboons have given birth.
26:05They were doing that as far back as the 20th century.
26:08Caesarean, naturally.
26:10Ooh, poof.
26:14Still, Lister, you'll be in good hands.
26:15The Scutters will be able to handle a simple Caesarean.
26:18Scutters?
26:19I wouldn't let them open a can of beans.
26:22You're thinking too negative.
26:25Think of all the glorious, beautiful, wondrous things
26:28about having children.
26:30Like?
26:30Like when they grow up and leave home.
26:34What colour is it supposed to turn?
26:36Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn.
26:38And red for pregnant?
26:40Yeah.
26:41Come on, you reds!
26:44What colour is it now?
26:46It's still white.
26:48Oi, I've just had a thought.
26:50Remember when we broke the light barrier and saw those echoes from the future?
26:54Yeah.
26:54And we saw your future self with twin boys.
26:57Right.
26:58And I said, how is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board?
27:01And you said, I don't know, but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out how right you
27:05were, Lister.
27:07Twins?
27:08Twins?
27:08No way, we were not twins.
27:09Oh, yes.
27:10Big, bonnie, strapping, bouncing boys they were as well.
27:13Huge heads.
27:16It's changing colour.
27:18What colour?
27:18Yes, it is. It's changing colour.
27:19Yeah, but what colour?
27:20Yes, it's changing colour.
27:21What colour?
27:22It's blue for not pregnant, right?
27:24Yes.
27:24Oh, good news.
27:25Excellent news, Listie.
27:26Oh, thank God.
27:28I'm going to be an uncle.
27:58I'm going to be sure.
27:59I'm stepping on my toes.
28:01Fun, fun, fun.
28:04It's fun, fun, fun.
28:07Fun, fun, fun.
28:10It's fun, fun, fun.
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