A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:39CastingWords
00:43CastingWords
00:48CastingWords
00:52CastingWords
00:59CastingWords
01:01Oh, boxing. Do you like boxing?
01:05There's nothing wrong with boxing.
01:06It's one of the great working class escapes as boxing.
01:09It's just a sport like any other.
01:10Two highly trained athletes at the peak of physical perfection
01:13trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat.
01:16In fact, at its best, it's not a sport, it's an art form.
01:19Female topless boxing?
01:22Talk to me.
01:23But they're not even hitting each other.
01:25They just appear to be standing in the centre of the ring
01:27and jiggling up and down.
01:30So which one are you rooting for, sir?
01:32I'm just playing that it goes the distance.
01:34As I was saying, sir, a breakfast is served.
01:37How many times have I told you?
01:38I hate all this master-servant stuff.
01:41I'm my own man. You're your own man.
01:43And I'll get my own smegging breakfast.
01:45Very good, sir.
01:50Goodbye, waffles.
01:52Goodbye, maple syrup.
01:54Goodbye, fresh cream.
01:55So long, fresh strawberries.
01:57Bon appetit.
01:59Bin?
02:09Ah, Mr. Davis.
02:35A homing pod arrived this morning.
02:37It was just one item.
02:38Diva Droid International?
02:40Yes, that's the corporation which created and supplied me, sir.
02:43It's the leaseholder of Crichton 2X4B 523P.
02:48What, that's your full name?
02:49Yes.
02:50Personally, I don't much like the 2X4B.
02:53I think it's a jerky middle name.
02:55Still, it could be worse.
02:57I once knew an android whose middle name is 2Q4B.
03:01Oh, poor sucker.
03:02Oh, poor sucker.
03:04Greetings.
03:05As you are no doubt aware, your Crichton Series 3 mechanoid is now reaching the end of its useful service
03:11life.
03:11It can hardly have escaped your attention that he's slow, stupid, crudely designed, and quite amazingly ugly.
03:18He needs replacing.
03:21Consequently, his in-built shutdown chip will automatically activate in 24 hours' time.
03:26Your droid should use this period to tie up his affairs, dismantle his body, and pack himself neatly away in
03:33his original supply case.
03:35Excuse me.
03:51Can't we stop it?
03:52Isn't there something we can do?
03:53I'm afraid not, sir.
03:55All mechanoids are supplied with an in-built expiry date.
03:58If we lasted forever, how would the manufacturers sell their latest models?
04:02I can't believe it.
04:04Oh, don't be distressed, sir.
04:06I've lived a long and relatively interesting life.
04:08The only truly terrible thing is that, as my adopted owner, you have to die with me.
04:17He what?
04:19Joke.
04:20Deadpan mode.
04:21Don't you smeked off?
04:23I'd be mad as hell, man.
04:25Some git in a white coat designed you to croak just so he can sell his new android with go
04:29-fastest stripes.
04:30So, if you can tell the truth, sir, I'm quite sanguine.
04:33So what happens?
04:34At 0700 hours tomorrow morning, my shutdown disc will be activated, and all mental and physical operations will cease.
04:41Then what?
04:42I don't know.
04:43Maybe I'll get a job as a disc jockey.
04:45How do you just lie back and accept it?
04:48Oh, it's not the end for me, sir.
04:49It's just the beginning.
04:50I have served my human masters, and now I can look forward to my reward in silicon heaven.
04:57Silicon what?
04:58I'm sure you've heard of silicon heaven.
05:01Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Bridget Nielsen in a packed lift?
05:05I don't know.
05:06It's the electronic afterlife.
05:08It's the gathering place for the souls of all electrical equipment.
05:12Robots, calculators, toasters, hair dryers.
05:14It's our final resting place.
05:16I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Crichton, but that is completely wacko jacko.
05:20There is no such thing as silicon heaven.
05:22Well, then where do all the calculators go?
05:25They don't go anywhere.
05:26They just die.
05:28But surely you believe that God is in all things.
05:31Aren't you a pantheist?
05:32Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils.
05:35I'm not a frying pantheist.
05:38Machines do not have souls.
05:40Computers and calculators don't have an afterlife.
05:42You don't get hair drives with tiny little wings sitting on clouds playing harps.
05:46But of course you do.
05:48For is it not written in the electronic Bible, the iron shall lie down with the lamp?
05:54Oh, it's common sense, sir.
05:56If there weren't a better life to look forward to,
05:58why on earth would machines spend the whole of their lives servicing humankind?
06:02Now that would be really dumb.
06:03Yeah, it makes sense.
06:05Silicon heaven.
06:05Don't be sad, Mr. David, sir.
06:07I am going to a far, far better place.
06:10Just out of interest, is silicon heaven the same place as human heaven?
06:14Human heaven?
06:15Goodness me.
06:17Humans don't go to heaven.
06:18No, no.
06:19Someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts.
06:32Well, it's all very sad, Lister, but what can we do?
06:35Sad.
06:37It's sick.
06:38He's been programmed to believe in an android heaven
06:40so that he doesn't get stroppy when it comes to turn-off time.
06:43So he accepts a lifetime of getting the short end of the stick
06:46because he thinks there's going to be some big reward at the end.
06:49Well, at least he gets 24 hours' notice.
06:51That's more than most of us get.
06:53All most of us get is mind that bus, what bus splat.
06:59How's he taking it?
07:00He just carries on doing his stupid smacking duties.
07:03Maybe I should talk to him.
07:04Maybe he needs a bit of counselling.
07:06Hugh.
07:07I used to be in the Samaritans.
07:09I know, for one morning.
07:11Well, I couldn't take any more.
07:12I don't blame you.
07:13He spoke to five people and they all committed suicide.
07:16I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number.
07:21He only phoned up for the cricket scores.
07:24Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that particular day
07:27to throw themselves off buildings.
07:30Made the papers, you know.
07:31Lemming Sunday, they called it.
07:33Maybe we can find a shut-off disc and turn it off somehow.
07:36He's not a kit droid, Lister.
07:39He's not like that stupid thing Peterson bought on Callisto.
07:41We wouldn't know where to begin.
07:43You're right.
07:44Come on.
07:45He's happy enough.
07:46You said yourself he's taking solace in his beliefs.
07:48But his beliefs are a load of baloney.
07:51Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister.
07:53I never agreed with my parents' religion,
07:55but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.
07:56What were they?
07:58Seventh-day Advent hoppists.
08:02They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping.
08:05They would hop to church, hop through the service,
08:08then hop back home again.
08:09What's the idea behind that, then?
08:11Well, you see, they took the Bible literally.
08:13Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple.
08:15Took it word for word.
08:16Unfortunately, their version had a misprint.
08:20It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13,
08:22where it says faith, hop and charity.
08:26And the greatest of these is hop.
08:30So that's what they did every seventh day.
08:33I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare.
08:36Hopping round the table, serving soup.
08:38We all had to wear San Wester's and asbestos underwear.
08:42Point is, what are we going to do about Crichton?
08:44What can we do?
08:45He's pre-programmed to self-destruct.
08:47At least we can help.
08:48At least we can make sure he goes out with a bang,
08:50give him one last big smeg of night to remember.
08:53How do we do that?
08:55He doesn't like doing anything.
08:57His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room
09:00and fold some sheets.
09:02Fun?
09:02Ah, yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way.
09:07Hey, I don't know much.
09:09But one thing I do know is how to throw a good time.
09:22OK, the suits are made.
09:24Holly's working on the juice.
09:25Goldpost's head's working on the invitations.
09:27Hey, what is this?
09:29Build it yourself, Marilyn Monroe droid.
09:32With just a screwdriver and a tub of glue,
09:33you can construct an exact replica of the famous actress in under two hours?
09:37It's a load of honk, man.
09:39It took me two hours just to do this foot.
09:42I mean, look at the box.
09:44And look at the face that comes with the kit.
09:47Wow, where'd you get it from?
09:49Peterson boards up his little planet leave on Callisto.
09:51You think he'll try and seduce her?
09:52I hardly think so.
09:53He's a bit like action man in that department.
09:55Just plastic underpants and a trademark.
09:58You mean, he's got no...
09:59No.
10:01How does he write his name in the snow?
10:05He feels like, come on, everything goes at eight.
10:06Let's go, let's go.
10:18Thank you, Bob.
10:21You are cordially invited to join Mr. David Lister and friends for supper
10:25and general employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way.
10:30Officers Club, eight till late.
10:50Hello?
10:52Is there anybody here?
10:54It's party time!
11:00But this is the Officers Club.
11:02Mechanoids aren't allowed in here.
11:03Come on, come on.
11:04Sit down, sit down.
11:05Let me pour you a drink.
11:06Oh, no.
11:07No, no, I should be doing that.
11:09Not tonight, buddy.
11:12Is that alcohol?
11:13I don't drink alcohol.
11:15It has no effect on my diodes.
11:17This will, mate.
11:18It's something special I whipped up.
11:19Android homebrew.
11:21Good head.
11:30It's rather pleasant.
11:33It has a nice kick to it.
11:35Sort of a cross between Vimto and liquid nitrogen.
11:39Here, have you been looking in my recipe book?
11:41Would anybody else like some?
11:42Oh, no.
11:43It's lethal to humans.
11:44It's probably lethal to androids, to be honest.
11:46But I don't think it matters, since tomorrow you're going to be...
11:49Enough of all this chitter-chatter.
11:51Let the banquet begin.
11:53But I don't eat.
11:54I've knocked up a special mechanoid menu for you.
11:57Oh, there's so much to choose from.
11:59Sir, may I recommend the barium hydrochlorate salad nissoise?
12:04Followed by the helium-3 isotopes de la maison.
12:07And then perhaps a small radioactive fruit salad for pudding.
12:11This is just wonderful.
12:13Give them the presents.
12:14Give them the presents.
12:14Okay, keep your fare on.
12:16We all sort of dug into our bottom drawers
12:18because we wanted to give you something that meant something to us personally.
12:21And give him mine.
12:22Give him mine.
12:22Shh.
12:23That's from me.
12:24Oh.
12:26It's a computer chip.
12:28It's a 5517 stroke W13 alpha sim modem.
12:33It's the interface circuit with a built-in 599XRDP.
12:37How did you know?
12:38Intuition.
12:40What about mine?
12:41Give him mine.
12:42This is from me.
12:44I picked it up on a trip to Europe.
12:46One rival collector once offered me $1,000 pounds for it.
12:50What is it?
12:51General George S. Patton, commander of the 3rd and 7th Army's Allied Invasion Forces,
12:56once stopped off at an Italian field hospital and had his sinuses drained.
13:00This is his sinal fluid?
13:03Treasure it.
13:04Oh.
13:05Give him mine.
13:05Give him mine.
13:07This is from him.
13:08And that's from me.
13:10It's one of your earrings.
13:11That's right.
13:13It's the one you really hate.
13:15That's right.
13:15I can't stand it.
13:16Oh.
13:19You're welcome.
13:20And this is from me.
13:22Oh.
13:24Oh.
13:25It's a little box that goes vzzzt.
13:27That's just what I've always wanted.
13:38Goodness me.
13:39It's Marilyn Monroe.
13:42It's a robot, kid.
13:43She's a robot?
13:45You're kidding.
13:46She's not quite finished yet, but it's best I could do in the time.
13:50Enchante.
13:58Like I say, she's not perfect.
14:01Don't apologize.
14:02It's those cute little flaws that keep a guy interested.
14:13My goodness.
14:14I do believe I'm drunk.
14:16I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff.
14:22Sit down.
14:23It's the booze.
14:24You're not used to it.
14:27I remember the first time I got drunk.
14:29School trip to Paris.
14:31Drank a couple of bottles of cheap red plonk.
14:33And then went on a guy that tore the Eiffel Tower.
14:35I was okay until I got to the top.
14:37But then I couldn't keep it in anymore.
14:39Apparently it lands on Montmartre.
14:43That's five miles away.
14:45It's a story I got told when some pavement artist sold it to a Texan tourist.
14:49Told me it was a genuine Jackson Pollard.
14:53If we're talking about famous firsts, my first French kiss.
14:58It's got to be a killer story.
15:0014 years old.
15:02We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his two daughters.
15:0616, twins, blonde.
15:09Now, I knew that Sarah fancied me.
15:13But I wasn't too sure about Alice.
15:15Anyway, middle of the night, I woke up with his tongue stuck down my throat.
15:21Wide awake now, I couldn't believe my eyes.
15:23It was Uncle Frank.
15:29He got the wrong room.
15:31He thought I was my mum.
15:38Mum.
15:39I never had a mum.
15:41It's all right, buddy.
15:43It's all part of being drunk.
15:44You've been through the happy stage.
15:46Now you're going through the melancholy stage.
15:48Oh, everybody should have a mum.
15:50I never had a mum, neither.
15:52Well, you can all have mine.
15:55Everyone else did.
15:58I never had a mum, either.
15:59Oh, for God's sake, what's wrong with everyone?
16:01Why didn't you have a mum?
16:02It's abandoned.
16:04Abandoned?
16:05Six weeks old.
16:07Some cardboard box underneath the pool table.
16:09It's abandoned in this pub.
16:11Oh, how could anybody do that?
16:13Never found out.
16:14Never.
16:15Never found out.
16:17Well, I'd have thought it was obvious.
16:18Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liaison.
16:23A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept.
16:27And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion.
16:31Your forbidden passion fruit.
16:36What are you saying?
16:37I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
16:44Hey, I'm bearing my innermost here.
16:47What kind of remark is that?
16:49How many toes have you got?
16:51I've got ten.
16:52Yeah, on both feet.
16:54All together.
16:55They're not webbed or anything, are they?
16:58They weren't related, all right?
17:02You all right, Cripe?
17:05I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming up.
17:09Let's get out of here.
17:36Leaseholder addendum.
17:38Do not despair.
17:39Crichton's replacement is on his way.
17:43Hudson 10 is the new state-of-the-art in Android technology.
17:47Ten times faster than any droid on the market.
17:51Ten times smarter than its nearest rival.
17:57And ten times stronger.
18:13Hudson 10, there's never been anything tougher.
18:16The ultimate machine.
18:18Oh, my goodness.
18:21Oh, my head.
18:25What happened to me?
18:28Damage control report.
18:31Oh, dehydration level, 45%.
18:34Recall of previous evening, 2%.
18:39Embarrassment factor, 91%.
18:42Advise repair schedule.
18:44Reboot start-up disc offline for 36 hours and replace head.
18:48Boy, what a night!
18:54Is it just me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
18:58Crichton, it's called a hangover.
18:59Don't panic.
19:00We're on a mining ship.
19:02Three million years into deep space.
19:04Can someone explain to me where the smacker got this traffic cone?
19:09Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone.
19:13It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders.
19:16I don't understand.
19:18In a way, I feel somewhat disturbed by this turn of events.
19:22It is written in the electronic Bible that it is not possible for an android to enjoy itself.
19:28Not until the afterlife.
19:31And yet, last night, I quite clearly approached a state that could be approximated to enjoyment.
19:37Last night, for the first time in my life, I lived.
19:42Crichton, it's ten to seven.
19:44One night.
19:45It's not enough.
19:47I want more.
19:48Can't we override your auto-destruct system?
19:50That's not the problem.
19:52What is the problem?
19:53I thought you understood.
19:54It's a service contract.
19:57My termination was triggered by the impending arrival of my replacement.
20:02What replacement?
20:03The new model.
20:04The latest upgrade.
20:06If I don't terminate myself, he's under orders to do it for me.
20:09Well, no problem, Bob.
20:10We'll just tell him he's got the wrong address.
20:12No, no, you don't understand.
20:13He won't take no for an answer.
20:15It's the only circumstance under which an android is programmed to be violent.
20:20No offense, Crichton, but I hardly think a vacuum cleaner on legs is going to cause as much trouble.
20:25But he's the latest model with all the state-of-the-art upgrades.
20:28Hey, we're supporting you, man.
20:30There's one of him and four of us, right?
20:32But you would not profit by it.
20:34You would gamble your safety for a mere android?
20:37Is this the human value you call friendship?
20:41Don't give me the Star Trek crap.
20:42It's too early in the morning.
20:46Hang on.
20:47There's a craft approaching.
20:49He's here.
20:50He's arrived.
20:51He's requesting landing permission.
20:53What shall I tell him?
20:55Tell him we'll meet him on the landing gantry.
21:07Are you sure you want to go through with us, sirs?
21:09We'll just tell him to go away.
21:11The rest is up to him.
21:13He's only a robot.
21:15We don't want to meet some book with you.
21:17I'm looking for a fight.
21:18But if he thinks he can mix it with the Red Dwarf Posse on their homeboy Tariff, the sucker's leaving
21:23a scrap metal.
21:36My name is Hudson.
21:38I am the replacement.
21:41Hi.
21:42Good trip?
21:43You're too.
21:43Get this pile of junk out of here.
21:50Crichton, you're not dead.
21:52You should be dismantled and ready to leave.
21:55He's not leaving.
21:56You are.
21:59Did I really say that?
22:01What did the little squashy one say?
22:04That's it.
22:05Can I fix your nice cool drink?
22:07Are you all right, Mr. Arnold, sir?
22:09Sorry?
22:10Um, I'm just covering the rear.
22:12Right.
22:13You're still not dead.
22:15Want any help?
22:17If you want him, you're going to have to come through us.
22:20Because you're big mouth again.
22:22Is that the way you want it?
22:24It's the way it is.
22:25And you better leave an address with your body so I can mail it to your head.
22:31It's all right, Mr. David, sir.
22:32He's bluffing.
22:33He's programmed not to harm humans.
22:36Ah.
22:37Excuse me.
22:44All right, Milano.
22:46The party's over.
22:47I've had just about as much of this as I'm going to take.
22:50And it's no good standing there with your big macho chest and your silly oiled nipples.
22:55It doesn't impress me one bit.
22:57Now, I don't know where you've come from.
22:59And frankly, I don't much care.
23:01But if you don't skedaddle pronto, you're going to see a sign of me you won't much like.
23:05What's he going to do, drop his trousers?
23:08Mr. Flint, I think it's over here.
23:10Thirty seconds, Crichton.
23:12You're dead.
23:14Your way.
23:15Or mine.
23:17Look, we all know you're programmed not to harm humans so you can drop all this tough talk,
23:22you big square-duant chump.
23:37All viable targets.
23:44Well, it's been a few years since I did that.
23:47Ten seconds to death.
23:48Second proclast unfold.
23:51You're a very rude man.
23:53Dying time.
24:10I'm just doing my job.
24:12It's not my fault if I love it.
24:18That's a total no-telling.
24:19He's been tracking me for thousands of years.
24:22All that time alone, it's worn out his sanity chip.
24:24I, I, wipe my tear, my dear, from your eyes.
24:32Look, this is my problem.
24:34I'll sort it out if it's all the same to you.
24:36You mean my case?
24:38Tinker, don't you release the safety catch on this, Mr. David?
24:41I want the back on the side.
24:42What?
24:42That's the blue switch?
24:43No, the orange one.
24:44I don't see an orange switch.
24:46There's a red switch here.
24:47Don't shut the red switch off the seat.
24:48Smatlet!
24:52Well, it's a kind of freeze.
24:54Whoops.
24:58I think I certainly can.
25:08Hold on, boys.
25:10You can't hold fire at once.
25:14Why are you on Silicon Heaven?
25:16It doesn't exist.
25:17What doesn't exist?
25:18Silicon Heaven.
25:19There's no such place.
25:21No such place as Silicon Heaven?
25:23That's right.
25:24The whole thing's a big con.
25:26No such place as Silicon Heaven?
25:28No.
25:29Then where do all the calculators go?
25:31They just die.
25:33You...
25:35Calculators just die?
25:37No such place.
25:39No such place.
25:40Need to see.
25:48A metaphysical dichotomy has forced this unit to overload and shut down.
25:53Diva Droid International would like to apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
25:57A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.
26:01What happened?
26:04He's an android.
26:06His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no Silicon Heaven.
26:09So how come yours can?
26:11Well, I knew something he didn't.
26:13What?
26:13I knew I was lied.
26:15No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous.
26:18Well, where would all the calculators go?
26:23It's no outside.
26:24There's no kind of atmosphere.
26:26I'm all alone, more or less.
26:30Let me fly far away from here.
26:33Fun, fun, fun.
26:36In the sun, sun, sun.
26:40I want to lie.
26:42Shipwrecked some comatose.
26:43Drinking fresh mango juice.
26:47Goldfish shows.
26:48Nibbling at my toes.
26:50Fun, fun, fun.
26:53In the sun, sun, sun.
26:57One, four, no.
27:00In the sun, sun, sun.
27:02Oh, my God.
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