A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:10To be continued...
00:57To be continued...
01:07Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.
01:11Its crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive.
01:15Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate.
01:18And a creature who evolved from the ship's cap.
01:21Message out.
01:24Additional.
01:25Loneliness weighs heavily on us all.
01:27Personally, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over 60 billion miles away from
01:32the nearest Burnie Inn.
01:42A mild stomach upset, take one teaspoonful.
01:45For acute indigestion, take two.
01:53Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round.
01:56Obviously, you can't expect perfection first time, but I was quite delighted with the way my dumplings went down.
02:02Remember, real dumplings.
02:04Proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection.
02:08Proper dumplings should not bounce.
02:12True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like, they were quite super.
02:16So, how's the cat?
02:18He's just sleeping off the stomach pump.
02:21He'll be alright.
02:22The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
02:24The lamb?
02:25Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese.
02:28And that lemon meringue pie, man, what was in there?
02:31I thought you liked that.
02:32You brought some back.
02:33Yeah.
02:33I wanted to try some out on me athlete's foot.
02:36It's not easy, Lister, cooking.
02:38When you're dead, you don't exist, and you're made entirely of light.
02:43That's your excuse for everything, isn't it?
02:45Being dead.
02:46I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday, normal things that most
02:50living people take for granted.
02:52You've got the scutters to help you.
02:54What, pinky and smegging perky?
02:57What use are they?
02:58It's like giving blind pew contact lenses.
03:00They only do what you tell them to.
03:03Ah, but they don't, do they?
03:04You say, keep an eye on that lamb.
03:07And they do.
03:07They sit there for three hours and watch it burn.
03:11So, they've got no emotion, have they?
03:13It's not built into their software.
03:14Have you seen their broom cupboard?
03:16It's full of pinups of John Wayne.
03:18That cannot be right, can it?
03:20Piled this high with film fun magazines?
03:23Not the way spanners behave in my book.
03:25Oi, what's happening, dudes?
03:28Hi, Hal.
03:28Guess what?
03:30What?
03:30Go on, have a guess.
03:32What is it vaguely about?
03:34No clues, just have a guess.
03:40I knew you wouldn't get it.
03:42The host pod's arrived.
03:43What, a male?
03:44It's been tracking us since we left Earth.
03:46Now we turn round, it's caught up.
03:48Do you miss like in three million years?
03:51Yeah, that's about average for a second-class post.
04:04See what I mean?
04:17There's everything here.
04:18All the male entertainment cassettes, a new batch of movies.
04:21Oh, the new Friday the 13th movie?
04:23Friday the 13th, part 1,649?
04:28Look, Casablanca, they've remade Casablanca.
04:32Philistines.
04:33I mean, how can you remade Casablanca?
04:35The one star of Myra Binglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
04:38Yeah.
04:39That's all that.
04:40Knockout.
04:41Of all the space bars in all the worlds, you had to rematerialise in mine.
04:47Look, a cassette of a whole year of Earth news here.
04:50And two seasons of zero-G football.
04:52I'll see you in the spring.
04:54Uh, uh, uh, uh, what are total immersion video games?
04:57Where?
05:00Oh, these are brilliant.
05:02You can't get hold of these for love nor money.
05:04These are like Venus's arms.
05:06These are like Brooke Shields's buttocks.
05:09What are they?
05:11Well, they're computer games, aren't they?
05:12But electrodes are inserted into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus, right?
05:16So you actually feel as though you're really, really there.
05:19Yes!
05:21Fine, Holly, there's something here for you.
05:23It's a video letter.
05:24Bung it on.
05:28Strike a lie.
05:30It's Gordon.
05:31Who's Gordon?
05:32He's the 11th generation AI computer aboard the Scott Fitzgerald.
05:36He's got an IQ of 8,000.
05:39All right, ho.
05:41It's Gordon.
05:43Awesome is intellect, I tell you.
05:45Just sending on the latest move in our chess game.
05:48My move is porn, right?
05:51That's the little knobbly ones down the front.
05:53Porn to King 4.
05:56Your move.
05:58Well, I'll about to sign off now.
06:00See you all.
06:01Bye.
06:10How'd you turn this off, then?
06:14You were playing postal chess with him, were you?
06:17Well, a chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre, I'd be a fool not to.
06:22Porn to King 4, eh?
06:24He's a sly one.
06:26So, who's winning hot?
06:28Well, he is, really.
06:30That was the first move.
06:44Me, me, me, me, you, me.
06:50It's all the junk mail, yours, you know.
06:53Me, me, me.
06:57You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do.
06:59Just so you'll have some mail to open.
07:02Me, me.
07:03Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit.
07:09Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals.
07:15Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't.
07:19Me, me.
07:21Smeg!
07:22Outland revenue?
07:24Oh, oh, oh, oh!
07:25Outland revenue!
07:298,500?
07:318,500!
07:32That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Lister?
07:34How on Titan, you gonna pay for that, eh?
07:35I'm not.
07:37It's yours.
07:38What?
07:41Now, this is wrong.
07:43It's wrong.
07:44It's well wrong, Lister.
07:45Relax.
07:45It doesn't matter now.
07:46They're not gonna catch you now, are they?
07:48What do you mean?
07:48Just because we're three million years into deep space
07:50and the human species is extinct?
07:52That means nothing to these people.
07:54They'll find us.
07:55Me.
07:56God, I'll be worrying about this all the time now.
07:58Me.
07:59Oh, another one for you.
08:01Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimet.
08:05That's from my mother.
08:08Rear Admiral?
08:09Every time I take an exam, I tell her I've passed.
08:12It's getting embarrassing now.
08:13I should be Commander-in-Chief of the whole universe.
08:16Do you want me to open it?
08:18Open it.
08:20Dear Rimet.
08:22Is this from your mum?
08:24That's mumsy.
08:26This handwriting's terrible.
08:28I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy to discharge your duties.
08:34You know, maybe I shouldn't be reading this deeply personal stuff.
08:37Just get on with it.
08:39I write to...
08:41I can't read that.
08:43Oh, I write to inform...
08:45I write to inform you that your father is dad.
08:48Well, of course he is.
08:50Maybe it's your father's stroke, dad.
08:53Dead.
08:54I can't make it out.
08:55My father is dead.
08:57What?
08:58My father is dead.
09:00Oh, yeah, it's an E.
09:01That's what it is.
09:03Your father's dead, Rimet.
09:09Oh, eh?
09:11Sorry.
09:17Is that all she says?
09:19Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep.
09:25Shriek.
09:27Shriek.
09:27Shriek.
09:28Shriek.
09:29Shriek.
09:29Shriek.
09:30Shriek.
09:31Shriek.
09:31Shriek.
09:33Shriek.
09:36Shriek.
09:39Shriek.
09:41Shriek.
09:43Shriek.
09:45Shriek.
09:53Can't sleep?
09:55Hmm.
09:57Nah, me neither.
09:59Hmm.
10:01I remember when my dad died, you know.
10:04I was only six.
10:06Got loads of presents of everyone like it was Christmas.
10:10I remember wishing a couple of more people would die
10:13so I could complete me Lego set.
10:18Grandma tried to explain, you know.
10:19She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back.
10:22So I wanted to know where, like, you know.
10:25She said he was very happy
10:26and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish.
10:30So I thought they'd flushed him down the bowl.
10:34I thought he was just round the U-bend, you know.
10:38I used to stuff food down and magazines and that for him to read.
10:43He took me to a child psychologist in the end.
10:46Cos he found me with my head down the bowl
10:48reading him the football results.
10:53I knew he was dead.
10:55I mean, they're all dead, aren't they?
10:59Just getting that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday.
11:03You never said much about him.
11:05No.
11:06He must have been pretty close.
11:08Close?
11:09Sorry, very close.
11:11Close?
11:13I hated him.
11:15I hated him.
11:16I detested his fat, stupid guts,
11:18the Popeye balding gift.
11:21He always wanted to join the Space Corps,
11:24be an officer.
11:25But they wouldn't take him,
11:26cos he was an inch below regulation height.
11:28One inch.
11:29I had three brothers.
11:31When we were young,
11:32he bought a traction machine so that he could stretch us.
11:36By the time my brother Frank was eleven,
11:39he was six foot five.
11:42Every morning,
11:43he'd measure us.
11:44If we hadn't grown,
11:45back on the rack.
11:47Sounds like he had the screw loose.
11:49I don't think he had one screw fully tightened,
11:51to be perfectly honest with you.
11:52He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps.
11:56At mealtimes,
11:57he'd ask us questions on astro-navigation.
12:00If we got them wrong,
12:01no food.
12:03Guard room,
12:03and how did you cope with that?
12:05I didn't.
12:05I nearly died of malnutrition.
12:09I had no idea.
12:10I thought you adored your parents.
12:12When I was fourteen,
12:13I divorced them.
12:14What?
12:15I took them to court.
12:17I got paid maintenance,
12:18till employment age,
12:20and access every fourth weekend to the family dog.
12:23So why are you so completely blown away about him dying then?
12:27Oh,
12:27it doesn't mean to say I didn't respect him,
12:28didn't look up to him.
12:30It was only natural.
12:31It was my father.
12:32There's nothing natural about your family, Rimet.
12:35It's just,
12:36I always wanted,
12:37just once,
12:38just once,
12:39for him to say to me,
12:41well done.
12:44For what?
12:45For something,
12:46for anything.
12:46I wanted him to be proud of me.
12:48Just once.
12:49And now,
12:51my stomach has been pumped,
12:53and now I'm hungry.
12:54Hey,
12:55there you are.
12:57Hey man,
12:58I'm so hungry,
12:59I just have to eat.
13:00When the starts died?
13:02I prefer chicken.
13:03I don't know if I can fail.
13:03I'm so hungry.
13:12I'm hungry.
13:27Good evening. Here is the news on Friday the 27th of Geldof.
13:32Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible.
13:37The page is presently being carbon dated in Bonn.
13:40If genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read...
13:45To my darling Candy, all characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and all exemplars to persons living or dead
13:52is purely coincidental.
13:54The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.
13:58Europe, a terrorist representing the revolutionary working front, a fanatical left-wing group dedicated to the...
14:05Listen, pause!
14:07About your father, if it's any help, he's in the ground now.
14:10Well, sure, it's bad news for him, but on the other hand, it's potty time for all the little worms.
14:22There's just no consoling him.
14:28Remember, listen, me and the cat were going to go and play a T.I.V.
14:32Wondered if he wanted to come.
14:33Oh, come on.
14:35Holly says he can key you in.
14:37No?
14:42Play.
14:43Middle class was arrested today.
14:45The man, Henry Leclerc, was attempting to poison the mineral spring in France, which is the source of all the
14:51world's Perrier water.
14:52Had he succeeded, experts believe the middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks.
14:58Techno news, the new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total immersion video game, Better Than Life.
15:05Using the new senso lock feedback technique, Better Than Life, is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and
15:12then make them come true.
15:14So great is the appeal of Better Than Life, when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks, rubber
15:20nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowds.
15:24Sport, England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan.
15:30Better Than Life, it is!
15:32Brilliant!
15:32Let's play!
15:34Hee-hee-hee!
15:46Keep me in, Holly!
16:20What sort of game is this?
16:23It's incredible, it's just like being here.
16:27Yes!
16:28I love you too.
16:33That's, what's her name?
16:34The actress of the 20th century.
16:36Uh, Mary Magdalene.
16:40Do you know, Mona Monroe, you gimp?
16:42I think she finally sees you.
16:44What does that prove?
16:46She's not blind.
16:47Hey, baby, I'm a little busy right now.
16:49I'll catch you later, okay?
16:52It's absolutely incredible.
16:57Look!
16:58Look!
17:01Excuse me, excuse me, you're probably really busy, but can I just say you are my all-time favourite fascist
17:07dictator.
17:07I've read all your war diaries and your Italian campaign was brilliant.
17:11Erm, could you just sign this for me?
17:15Erm, make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum, Napoleon Bonaparte.
17:22It's all for me, it's for my sister Alison.
17:24Erm, we call her Arnie.
17:31And Napoleon Bonaparte's autograph.
17:35Gentlemen, welcome to Better Than Life.
17:38Now, you must be hungry, and there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach.
17:42A couple of miles?
17:43How are we supposed to get there?
17:44Anywhere you want.
17:46Anywhere you want.
17:46After all, this is better than life.
17:49Anywhere we want.
17:57No!
17:58Whoa!
17:59You're rolling, Vicka.
18:14It's thinking too small. Think big.
18:19Ah, that's more like it.
18:28Ah.
18:39Magruder.
18:40Hi, Tiger.
18:43I bet you're wearing a people bra under that, eh?
18:47Yes, I am.
18:51We're just one thing away from perfection.
18:58Yes!
19:19Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us.
19:21Your caviar Vindalooza.
19:23Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and butter to follow.
19:28I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as classy as this, you know.
19:32This is better than life, sir.
19:34And yours was the fish, sir.
19:36What are you doing?
19:37I always do this when someone gives me food.
19:44As ordered, sir. A small quick.
19:48Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish cooked?
19:50No, sir. I like my food to move.
19:54I'm going to eat...
19:57Mr. Rimmer.
19:58Ah.
19:59Sir.
20:00They're on table K on the second terrace.
20:03Excellent.
20:07I'm going to eat you little fishy.
20:09I'm going to eat you little fishy.
20:12Cause I like little fish.
20:16I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.
20:18I was driving along and suddenly there was Magruder.
20:22Well, one thing led to another and...
20:25Good God, this is a great game.
20:27Twice in one lifetime I'm turning into Hugh Hefner.
20:32Rimmer, you can touch things.
20:34I know. Why do you think I was so late?
20:37I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant.
20:42I've got this vibrating leopard skin water pad in the shape of a guitar.
20:46Yeah.
20:47Well, you should take a look at my wardrobe.
20:49It's so big it crosses an international time zone.
20:53When it's three o'clock where my shirts are,
20:55it's seven in the morning for my socks.
20:58Admiral?
20:59But what about my electronic lavvy?
21:02I mean, this thing comes when you call it,
21:04takes your trousers down, does everything for it.
21:06It's just so stylish.
21:08Admiral?
21:08Who is that?
21:10Just because I'm the hoity-toity donad-brained gimp-nosing admiral
21:13is that the broadcaster?
21:15Admiral Rimmer, sir.
21:17Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
21:19wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
21:21wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
21:21wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
21:21wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
21:23wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
21:45You're Dom Perignon 44, sir.
21:49In a pint, Margot.
22:01It's a good year.
22:05So I said to Hollister...
22:09Well, I can't actually remember exactly what I said to him,
22:11but it was one of the most enormously cruel
22:13and frighteningly witty put-downs ever.
22:22Bravo, sir.
22:26Sir, I know it's the most awful bore,
22:28but would you mind just signing this?
22:30What's that, you little pipsqueak?
22:33My Incredible Career by Admiral A.J. Rimmer.
22:37I've read it 18 times, sir.
22:40There you go, laddo.
22:41Thank you, sir.
22:43Gosh, I'll be the envy of the Academy.
22:50Father.
22:52Son.
22:53What are you doing here?
22:55I'm sorry to barge in on you and your officer chummies, but...
23:01Yes?
23:02I just wanted to tell you.
23:05Yes?
23:06I just wanted to say...
23:08Yes?
23:10I just wanted to say...
23:13You're a total smighead.
23:16What?
23:17This isn't my fantasy.
23:19No, it's mine.
23:21No, it's mine.
23:29Yeah.
23:31Hey, move over, man.
23:32I want to plait my hand.
23:37It's cold, the ball.
23:39Are you trying to tell me how to play this game?
23:41You think cats never played golf?
23:43Okay.
24:05I'm really thirsty, you know.
24:06Yeah?
24:06Yeah.
24:08Perhaps a banana bomb?
24:09I'm sorry.
24:10Thank you, my man.
24:16Hey, sugar.
24:18How's a bad little bit of ooby-dooby-doo?
24:20How's a bad little bit of ooby-dooby-doo?
24:23What a pest.
24:35All right?
24:36What's happening, dudes?
24:38We're having a real nice time.
24:39I'm dating Marilyn Monroe,
24:41and also I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid.
24:44She's half woman, half fish.
24:48It's Miranda, my girlfriend.
24:50Woo!
24:53Somehow I'd imagine she'd be a woman on top
24:55and a fish on the bottom.
24:57No?
24:59That's a stupid way around.
25:18How dare you!
25:25RIMA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
25:28RIMA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
25:31RIMA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
25:33AH, THIS IS A GREAT GAME, LISTER.
25:35I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
25:37WHO ARE ALL THOSE GUYS?
25:39IT'S MAGRUDO.
25:40SHE GOT PREGNANT.
25:41SO THIS MORNING SHE MADE ME MARRY HER.
25:44AND THIS AFTERNOON WE HAD SEVEN KIDS.
25:48LIS, WHERE'S YOUR E-TIME?
25:52IT'S TOO IMPRACTICAL.
25:54WITH ALL THE KIDS AND EVERYTHING.
25:55RIMA, YOU FANTASIZE THAT YOU HAD SEVEN KIDS AND A MORTGAGE.
26:00WHO?
26:03ARNOLD, WHERE ARE THE NAPPY SACKS?
26:06MY BRAINS REBEL.
26:08IT JUST WON'T ACCEPT NICE THINGS HAPPENING TO ME.
26:12IT JUST KEEPS FANTASIZING HORRIBLES.
26:15THE HORRIBLES.
26:17MR RIMMER.
26:18YES?
26:20MR ARNOLD, JUDAS RIMMER.
26:24OUTLAND REVENUE, SIR.
26:25OH, MY GOD.
26:27THIS IS A DEMAND FOR IMMEDIATE PAYMENT.
26:3218,000?
26:34IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO PAY, SIR, I AM INSTRUCTED BY THE REVENUE
26:38TO BREAK BOTH YOUR LEGS AND PULL OFF YOUR THUMBS, SIR.
26:42WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
26:43I'M BROKE.
26:44I'LL PAY, MAN.
26:45I'LL PAY.
26:46I'LL PAY.
26:51WHERE'S ALL MY MONEY GONE?
26:53OH, NO.
26:53I JUST PANTASIZED IT ALL AWAY.
26:56THIS IS GETTING WORSE.
26:57HELP ME, PLEASE.
26:59AH, DON'T MOVE.
27:00A HUGE BLACK FURRY SPIDER WITH BIG TEAS JUST CRAWLED UP YOUR TROUSER LEG.
27:03I KNOW.
27:04I JUST PUT IT THERE.
27:05IT'S THE THING OF A BREAD OFF MOST IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
27:07A TARANTUALA CRAWLING UP MY TROUSERS.
27:09THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.
27:10DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?
27:12AH, HE'S PASSED MY KNEE.
27:13HE'S INTO MY BOXES.
27:14CLOSE YOUR EYES AND WISH YOU AWAY.
27:16I CAN'T.
27:17CONCENTRATE, MAN.
27:18I CAN'T.
27:22WAS HE DOWN THERE?
27:23I'M SORRY.
27:24I'M REALLY SORRY.
27:25WHAT'S GOING ON?
27:26OUR FACES HAVE BEEN SPREAD WITH JAM.
27:28WE'RE ABOUT TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY KILLER ANTS.
27:30WHY?
27:31WHY NOT?
27:32CURDI.
27:33YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE, CAN YOU?
27:35YOU'VE RUINED THIS, RIMMER.
27:37WE'RE GONNA DIE.
27:38WE'RE GONNA DIE.
27:39IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
27:42AHHHHH!
27:43AHHHHH!
27:45AHHHHH!
27:45AHH!
27:46AHH!
27:46AHH!
27:46AHH!
27:46AHH!
27:47AHH!
27:49AHH!
27:56AHH!
27:56Just DON'T HAPPEN TO ME.
27:57AHH!
27:58AHH!
27:59AHH!
27:59MISTER
28:07AHH!
28:07Aienced
28:07ACH!
28:17ACH!
28:17Smeg in hell, who said you was a loser, eh? Who said nice things never happened to you?
28:24I did.
28:25Well, we're still in the game.
28:27We certainly are. Now, what about my 18 grand?
28:30Come on, it's bone-crunching time, me old china.
28:34Now, where's those little thumbies?
28:40It's cold outside
28:41There's no kind of atmosphere
28:43I'm all alone
28:44More or less
28:47Let me fly
28:48Far away from here
28:50Fun, fun, fun
28:52In the sun, sun, sun
28:56I want to lie
28:58Ships, legs, you call me toes
29:00Drinking fresh mango juice
29:03Go fish shows
29:05Dribbling out my toes
29:07Fun, fun, fun
29:09In the sun, sun, sun
29:12Fun, fun, fun
29:16In the sun, sun, sun
29:19In the sun, sun, sun
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