A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:44Thomas Ullman, Thomas Ullman, you have been found unworthy of having existed.
00:51Is that you, Mother?
00:53Your life and all memory of you will be wiped from mystery.
00:58The void you occupied in the space-time continuum will be allocated to a person who was never given them
01:05the gift of life.
01:07May they spend their time more wisely.
01:12Please, why me? There must be others who've lived worthless lives.
01:16All will be judged.
01:22It is complete.
01:25All that remains is to do each of your physical form.
01:31Sorry, Mr. B-sir. Reality control.
01:45Coffee, sir. Double caffeinated, quadruple sugar.
01:48Nice one.
01:50Ah, Virgil's Aeneid.
01:52Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy.
01:55The most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment.
01:59Yeah, it's the comic book version.
02:01Oh, really?
02:02It's good, though, man.
02:03It's absolutely full of history.
02:05Zap, pow, kersplat, die in bed, you Trojan pig dog, ginyarg.
02:11I see they've remained faithful to the original text.
02:13I'm sure Virgil would have approved.
02:15Crichton, don't discourage him.
02:16It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps.
02:21I don't know, though.
02:23This wooden horse of Troy malarkey, I'm not buying that.
02:26It's one of the most famous military manoeuvres in history.
02:29I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy,
02:32kapow and zapping and kasplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade yet.
02:35So?
02:36So all of a sudden they wake up one morning and the Greeks have gone.
02:39And there, outside the city walls, they've left this gift.
02:42This tribute to their valiant foes.
02:44A huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress
02:50and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities.
02:54Are you telling me that not one Trojan goes,
02:56hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy.
02:58What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?
03:02No, they don't, they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night.
03:07People that stupid deserve to be kapow zapped and kasplatted in their beds.
03:12You know what the big joke is?
03:13From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase,
03:15beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
03:18Won't it be much more logical to derive the phrase,
03:20beware of Trojans that complete smaggheads?
03:23Well, thank you, AJP Taylor.
03:28What was that?
03:29Strange, we've changed course.
03:31Are you sure, Holly? There's no course change programmed.
03:36And again.
03:37Mark 180, that's a complete turn.
03:40We're heading back to Red Dwarf.
03:41Nah, give me manual halt.
03:43We'll opt out.
03:44This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft.
03:47Holly, any traffic around?
03:49Nothing on the local scan.
03:50This isn't possible, there must be.
03:52I'm in possession of the human known as Lister.
03:55Do not attempt to resist me.
03:57What happened to him, his voice finally break?
04:01Who are you?
04:02Tremble at my head, for I am the Inquisitor.
04:06The Inquisitor?
04:07Your vessel is under my control.
04:10It will return you to your mothership where you will face judgment.
04:14You will each present a case to justify your existence.
04:18If you fail, you will be deleted.
04:23Are you okay, sir?
04:25God, I think so.
04:27A little bit shaky.
04:28I think we should run you through the Mediscan, though, just as a precaution.
04:32Yeah, okay.
04:39So, Crichton, you've heard of this Inquisitor.
04:43Only as a myth, a dark fable, a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire,
04:50wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products
04:55and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror.
04:59A simple yes would have sufficed.
05:03So, who is he?
05:04Yeah, what's his beef?
05:06Well, the legend tells of a droid, a self-repairing simulant who survives to the end of eternity,
05:11to the end of time itself.
05:14After millions of years alone, he finally reaches the conclusion that there is no God, no afterlife,
05:21and the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life.
05:25And so the droid constructs a time machine and roams eternity,
05:29visiting every single soul in history and assessing each one.
05:33He erases all those who wasted their lives and replaces them with those that never had a chance of life.
05:38The unfertilized eggs, the sperms that never made it.
05:42That is the inquisitor.
05:44He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless.
05:49We're in big trouble.
05:51A minute, who's to say what's worthless?
05:53Oh, please.
05:54Take a look in the mirror.
05:55Read your entry in Who's Nobody?
05:58Oh, really?
05:59Who's to judge?
06:00Who's to say what's worthwhile?
06:02Well, let's face it, Listie.
06:04Lying on your bunk reading Wattbike and eating sugar puff sandwiches for eight hours every day
06:08is unlikely to qualify.
06:10So just because I haven't written any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel,
06:13that makes me prunable?
06:15No.
06:15Being a totally worthless unwashed space bum, that's what makes you prunable.
06:19Precisely.
06:20The criterion is not fame.
06:21It is simply to have lived a worthwhile life.
06:25Why did no one mention this before?
06:30If I'd been told about this at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life,
06:34I could have done something about it.
06:37All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations.
06:41If I'd known all this, I would have given them my credit card number.
06:46Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker.
06:50You simply have to seize the gift of life.
06:53Oh, God.
06:54Make a contribution.
06:55Oh, God.
06:56No matter how small.
06:57Oh, God.
06:57You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.
07:02You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
07:05I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
07:07Well, shut up, then.
07:09Hang on a minute.
07:10Why should we take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot
07:13who's appointed himself judging jury to the whole of humanity?
07:16Why should we kowtow to his judgment?
07:19Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry rade.
07:23Good answer, man.
07:24Good answer.
07:35So where is he?
07:36See me now, hand of scramble.
07:40The Inquisition begins.
07:43Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life,
07:46or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity.
07:51I hate these either-or questions.
07:53Who is to be first?
07:56Lister.
07:58The hologram.
08:01You shall be first.
08:03Probably?
08:04Sir?
08:07You have been granted the greatest gift of all.
08:11The gift of life.
08:14Tell me, what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
08:22Well, I say this with the highest respect,
08:25but what gives you the right to ask...
08:29No, actually demand that answer of me, your magnificence?
08:35All must answer to the Inquisitor.
08:40But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
08:44Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor,
08:48your judge shall be...
08:52Yourself?
08:54Oh, smeg.
08:56Oh, smeg indeed, matey.
08:59Everyone is judged by their own self?
09:01It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.
09:05Now then, justify yourself.
09:08Well, first, I...
09:10Liar.
09:11I've done good things.
09:13No, you haven't.
09:14In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
09:17No, you didn't.
09:19Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.
09:22When?
09:25Ah, what's that in the corner?
09:27It's the Archangel Gabriel.
09:28Well, that's me converted.
09:29I'm a new man.
09:30Hallelujah.
09:31You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man, aren't you?
09:38Well, sort of, yes.
09:40So then, justify yourself.
09:43What else could I have been?
09:45My father was a half-crazed military failure.
09:48My mother was a bitch queen from hell.
09:50My brothers had all the looks and talent.
09:53What did I have?
09:54Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails.
09:57Yes, I admit I'm nothing.
09:59But from what I started with,
10:02nothing is up.
10:06Hi, buddy.
10:08This is your judgment day, bud.
10:10I gotta be cruel.
10:11There can't be no favors.
10:13I'm hearing you on FM.
10:15I have to ask you the question.
10:18Justify your existence.
10:20What contribution have you made?
10:22I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
10:27Well, that's true.
10:28Can I go now?
10:30That's your case?
10:31You need more?
10:33I may say that's a pretty shallow argument.
10:36Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass.
10:40Sometimes you astonish even me.
10:46Well, Crichton, justify yourself.
10:49I'm not sure I can.
10:51But surely your life is replete with good works.
10:54There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
10:58But I am programmed to live unselfishly.
11:00And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives,
11:03but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
11:08Well, then how can any mechanical justify himself?
11:11Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming
11:14and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
11:18Your argument invites deletion.
11:20The rules are yours, not mine.
11:22Do you wish to be erased?
11:24Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.
11:26I serve.
11:27In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn.
11:31But I am not human.
11:32And neither are you.
11:34And it is not our place to judge them.
11:37I wonder why you do.
11:40Enough!
11:45Well, get out of this one, smaghet.
11:49What are you talking about?
11:50You know what you could have made of your life if you tried.
11:54What you could have become.
11:55So?
11:56You've got brains, man.
11:58Brains you've never used.
12:00So?
12:01So justify yourself.
12:04Spin on him.
12:09The inquisition is over.
12:12I have reached my verdict.
12:15Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been.
12:20You have lived without merit.
12:23So have not lived at all.
12:28You scum!
12:29You've wiped them out!
12:30Sir.
12:31It's crazy, Crichton.
12:32It's erased the cat and Rimmie.
12:33They are quite safe.
12:35Sir.
12:38I'm afraid it is we who ought to be erased.
12:41Ah.
12:45The cat has led a more worthwhile life than either of us.
12:48He is a shallow and selfish creature.
12:50As is the hologram.
12:52By their own low standards, they have acquitted themselves.
12:55Whereas you and the mechanoid could have been so much more.
13:04What's this?
13:05Best guess, we are being surgically removed from time.
13:08Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved.
13:12Our lives are being undone.
13:14It is complete.
13:15The timelines are knitted.
13:17Causality is sealed.
13:18All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence.
13:24Well, you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Crichton.
13:27Now's the time to mention it.
13:30No plan, sir.
13:32No sleeves.
13:36Perfect.
13:36Now, what did I do next?
13:43Now, hurry.
13:44Take the gauntlet and go.
13:46What the smag is going on?
13:48I don't have time to explain.
13:50I've come from the future to rescue you.
13:51Now you must go.
13:52Hurry.
13:53What about me?
13:54I mean you.
13:55I mean us.
13:56I'm afraid we get killed.
13:58Killed?
13:59How?
14:00While I'm standing here explaining this to you, the Inquisitor jumps me from behind like
14:04this.
14:06Before you reach the final confrontation in the storage bay, you must have decoded the
14:11gauntlet's controls.
14:12How?
14:13Can you give us a clue?
14:14Well, I cannot explain.
14:16For some bizarre reason, my final words are Enig.
14:20Enig?
14:21Yes.
14:22Enig.
14:24Come on, sir.
14:25We have to go.
14:26He just killed you, Crichton.
14:27Sir, we have to go.
14:44You are not registered as personnel of this vessel.
14:47Please state your name and clearance code.
14:49It's Uzzol!
14:50Please state your name and clearance code.
14:52Step D, triple zero, one six nine.
14:55I have no record of your palm print.
14:57Intruder alert, intruder alert.
14:59Initiating override.
15:01Please state your name and clearance code.
15:02Log on name, Crichton.
15:04Registration code additional, zero, zero, one.
15:06I have no record of your CPU ident.
15:10We don't exist here anymore.
15:13Tear gas!
15:24Oh, thank God it's you guys.
15:27Move so much as an eyebrow boy and you doubt me.
15:29What?
15:29It's us.
15:30Who are you people and what do you want?
15:32Rimmer, it's me.
15:33How do you know my name?
15:34Don't fall for that one, bud.
15:35He read it on your uniform.
15:37Sir, they've never met us before.
15:38We are limbo people between realities.
15:40They have no memory of us.
15:42So, I'm going to ask you one more time.
15:44What do you want?
15:45Yo, we're not the enemy.
15:47There's a guy around here somewhere.
15:48Wandering around, obliterating people from history.
15:51We used to be your shipmates.
15:53Only we've forgotten you.
15:55Yeah.
15:56Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced.
15:59Rimmer, I know you.
16:00Well, if you do know me, you'll know I'm the kind of rough-and-tumble, hardened astro, ex-marine type
16:07guy.
16:07You do not try for me.
16:09No, you're not.
16:11For the last time I've asked you...
16:13Fiona Barrington.
16:14Fifteen years of age.
16:16You got off with her in your dad's greenhouse.
16:18You thought you got lucky, but it turned out all the time that you had your hand in warm compost.
16:24How could I know that and not know you?
16:27Not true.
16:29You've got three brothers, John, Howard and Frank.
16:31You're really mean with money.
16:32You're a tremendous physical coward.
16:34You won't spend an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard.
16:36And four people committed suicide.
16:39Your middle name's Judas, but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan.
16:42You sign all your official letters, AJ Rimmer, BSC.
16:45And BSC stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate.
16:48You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scum-bucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
16:56You've got to admit, bud, you've got a handle on your there.
17:01Sirs, you've got to help us.
17:02The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us.
17:06Who the smeg are these guys, Rimmer?
17:09Never mind who the smeg are these guys.
17:12Who the smeg are you?
17:13I the smeg, I'm Lister.
17:15Of course he's the alternative you.
17:17One of the many David Listers who never got a chance to exist.
17:22So we're kind of Spam's-in-law?
17:24Yes, sir.
17:26Delicately put, sir.
17:27So what do we do with them?
17:28I say waste them.
17:30Rimmer, for smeg's sake!
17:33Such a dog, man.
17:34What are you telling me?
17:35Look, they come near with some cock and bull story.
17:37They're chained together like Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis.
17:41I say open the door to oblivion and kick them through.
17:43Rimmer, no one's killing no one.
17:45All right?
17:46Yeah, right.
17:47Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension.
17:50They've come here to hijack this ship and do, ooh, weird things to us.
17:54I think we should take the lift, put them on the security deck and stick them in the brig.
17:57I hate to say it, but for once, Trans-Am, we'll arch nostrils his right.
18:01Come on, I'm doing it.
18:02What did you call me?
18:05Look, man, you know the score.
18:07Why do I know the score?
18:09Because you're me.
18:10We're shot from the same gun barrel.
18:13Only difference is, one did breaststroke, one did crawl.
18:17What are you trying to say?
18:19I'm saying?
18:23Come on, ship, guys!
18:32Let's wait.
18:41Come on, let's go!
18:42Let's go back!
18:43Go back!
18:44Oh, my God.
18:46Hang on a minute.
18:47I can use this.
18:48Come on, go!
18:52Get down to the transport decks.
18:54Maybe we can nick one of the store books and get out of town.
18:57Uh-oh, George.
18:58We'd better use an air vent.
18:59No need.
19:00Sir?
19:01Look, I'm going to do something out of crack, and that's totally, totally gross.
19:03I don't want you to look.
19:04It's in a round.
19:04What?
19:05Trust me, you don't want to know.
19:06It's in a smoke.
19:17Logically, sir, there is only one way you could possibly have opened that door.
19:21I feel quite nauseous.
19:24Where is it?
19:25Where's what?
19:26Oh, sir, you've got it in your jacket.
19:30I got it out of a hole, didn't I?
19:32Sir, you are sick.
19:33You are a sick, sick person.
19:36How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
19:38Shut up.
19:40I'll beat you to death with the wet end.
19:41Oh, sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be under my fifth bag by now.
19:45You're a sick person.
19:47Come on, let's go.
19:54What's the point?
19:55Why am I trying to get out of this?
19:57We already know we fail.
19:58Not so, sir.
19:59All we know is that I die.
20:01Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety, then it will be a move well made.
20:06For myself, death holds no fear.
20:09Oh, yeah.
20:09Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life.
20:12That's why the mechanoid 4000 series was voted Android of the Year, five years running.
20:17I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically depressed lemming.
20:24That's not true, is it?
20:25Sir?
20:25Not anymore.
20:26It's all because of me.
20:28It's my fault.
20:30It's a major break of programming.
20:32It's what you have to lie.
20:34How to make your own decisions.
20:35It's made you more...
20:37more human.
20:40I gave you a life to lose.
20:43Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash.
20:48Crichton, I know when you're lying.
20:50Your right foot jiggles.
20:52It's involuntary.
20:54Nonsense.
20:56I'm not afraid to die.
20:58For me, death holds no fear.
21:02I believe in Silicon Valley.
21:04I believe in an Afro life or androids.
21:07Haven't you got through those damn manacles yet, Drightson?
21:11I'm not going to let it happen, man.
21:13Cause and effect, sir, it already has happened.
21:16There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life.
21:18Okay, now, I think I have this.
21:20It's a variant of the Enigma decoding system.
21:23Enigma, enigma, enigma.
21:24Enigma, of course.
21:26My last words.
21:27Oh, well, anyway, if this thing works,
21:30it should age those manacles by half a million years.
21:33If it doesn't work?
21:34It'll wipe out the universe.
21:39Phew, what now?
21:40Well, now, we have the power.
21:45Okay, we don't know who you are,
21:46but we've seen enough of the other dude
21:47to know we want to be on your side.
21:49He killed our two crewmates in cold blood.
21:51He's a monster.
21:52I'm the cat.
21:53This is Rimmer.
21:54Yeah, Mr. Crichton.
21:55Look, I want to make it clear.
21:56I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two,
21:59but needs must as the devil drives.
22:01You really don't remember me, do you?
22:03However, everything I used to do used to get on your pecs.
22:06Like I'd just be trimming me toenails
22:07with your electric meat carver or something.
22:09And you've got absolutely spare.
22:11Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay.
22:14Now, remember my message to us.
22:15That is where we meet the inquisitor
22:17for the final confrontation.
22:19That's your plan?
22:20We go out there and face him?
22:21Nice plan.
22:23Shall I paint a bullseye on my face?
22:25Listen, right, I've been thinking about this.
22:27I've come up with something.
22:28Yes, sir.
22:29Sir, I'm going to use my brains for this first time in my life.
22:32Considering the circumstances, sir,
22:33do you really believe that's wise?
22:36Give me the time, can't they?
22:37But you don't know how to use it, sir.
22:39You left the shadow's instructions, won't you?
22:40Oh, well, wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?
22:42You can't wear it, Crichton.
22:44Why not?
22:45You're programmed not to kill.
22:55Sir, the mortals seek to challenge my master.
23:04Crichton, I don't know how to wake this thing.
23:06Gamma, delta, one, four, five.
23:23Smeg, you use me?
23:25Sport begins.
23:29Now what the smeg have you done to me?
23:35Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
23:38Huh?
23:51Excuse me, could I possibly just distract you for just a brief second?
23:56Well, it was the best I could ad-lib at the time, sir.
24:01You've got the cat and rimmer, though.
24:03I know.
24:05Look, sir, I've got to go back in time and sacrifice myself
24:09in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place.
24:14Yeah, sure.
24:16All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?
24:20How long have you put them for you, sir?
24:21Ten minutes?
24:22No, 8.4.
24:25You'd better be right, Crichton.
24:27I know.
24:28Gauntlets.
24:31Now, what do I say when I pop up behind the inquisitor?
24:35Ah, perfect.
24:36Now, what do you want to...
24:37That's it, yeah, that's it.
24:38No, I've got it.
24:38Don't tell me, don't tell me.
24:39I've got it, I've got it.
24:44Okay, big fella.
24:45It's dangling time.
24:49Welcome back online.
24:51What are you doing?
24:54One way or the other.
24:56You killed a lot of my friends this afternoon.
25:00In fact, you may never get on my good side again.
25:11So now you're going to kill me.
25:14I don't think so.
25:16You're a fat little human, don't have the balls.
25:21It's dumb talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm.
25:24I've seen it inside your heart.
25:27You don't have it in you.
25:30Oh, yeah.
25:33Bet your life.
25:38I never intended to kill you.
25:40Oh, no.
25:45No.
25:47I intended to save your life.
25:50Save my life?
25:51Why?
25:53Because if I save your life and you erase me,
25:57I won't be there to save your life and you'll die.
26:01Chew on that, Po.
26:05You're giving me my God back.
26:09Well, I'm all right.
26:11You can't touch me.
26:13You might have killed the others, but I'm okay.
26:17Oh, just one thing.
26:20If I erase you, this is true.
26:22You will never have existed to end my life and cross-face.
26:28That's a point.
26:29So in fact, I can erase you quite safely.
26:34Yeah?
26:37Yeah.
26:38It's the old backfiring time gauntlet trick.
26:42This boat is a right-way ticket to a balloon.
26:46But you can't.
26:47My work, oh my glorious work, will be undone.
26:52Oh, it worked.
26:54It worked?
26:55Crichton, you're a genius.
26:57Oh, it was your scheme, sir.
26:59I simply reprogrammed the gauntlet.
27:00So what happens now?
27:03Oh, well, basically we wait for the time-space continuum to reorder itself.
27:10I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.
27:14Give you five.
27:15I can do better than that.
27:17I can give you fifteen.
27:22It's cold outside.
27:24There's no kind of atmosphere.
27:26I'm all alone.
27:28More or less.
27:29Let me fly.
27:31Far away from here.
27:33Fun, fun, fun.ęäøč½.
27:36I'm the
27:36sun, sun, sun. I want to
27:40lie. Shipwraps
27:42and comatose.
27:43Drinking fresh mango juice
27:46Goldfish shows nibbling at my toes
27:50Fun, fun, fun
27:52In the sun, sun, sun
27:56Fun, fun, fun
27:59In the sun, sun, sun
28:14Fun, fun, fun
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