A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
01:00Cold it got, couldn't believe it.
01:01My go again.
01:02Another two sixes.
01:03Rima, what's wrong with you?
01:05Don't you realise that no one is even slightly interested in anything you're saying?
01:09You've got this major psychological defect which blinds the fact that you're boring people
01:13to death.
01:15How come you can't sense that?
01:17Anyway, I picked up the dice again.
01:20Unbelievable.
01:21Another two sixes.
01:22Rima?
01:23What?
01:24No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your cadet school training officer
01:29at risk.
01:30Then disaster.
01:33I threw a two and a three.
01:35Cold he got, picked up the dice and threw snake eyes.
01:37I was still in it.
01:38Can you talk to him?
01:40What?
01:43Anyway, to cut a long story short, I threw a five and a four which beat his three and a
01:47two.
01:47Another double six followed by a double four and a double five.
01:50After he'd thrown a three and a two, I threw a six and a three.
01:53Man, this guy could ball for his country.
01:56What I want to know is how the schmeck can you remember what dice you threw with a game
02:00you played when you were 17?
02:01I jotted it down in my risk campaign book.
02:04I always used to do that.
02:06So I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in the sleeping quarters.
02:11I ask you, what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?
02:14You got me.
02:17So, a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.
02:20Remember, can't you tell the story is not gripping me?
02:23I am in a state of non-grippedness.
02:26I am completely smagging, un-gripped.
02:29Shut the smag up.
02:31Don't you want to hear the risk story?
02:34That's what I've been saying for the last 15 minutes.
02:36But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really interesting bit.
02:39What really interesting bit?
02:41Ah, well that was about two hours later.
02:43After he'd thrown a three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one, I picked up the
02:47dice.
02:47Hang on, Rimet, hang on.
02:48The really interesting bit is exactly the same as the dull bit.
02:51You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you?
02:53For all you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, headbutted him on the nose
02:56and they could have blasted out of his ears.
02:59That would have been quite interesting.
03:00Okay, Rimet.
03:01What did you do with the dice?
03:04I threw a five and a two.
03:07And that's the really interesting bit.
03:08Well, it was interesting to me.
03:09It got me into Irkutsk.
03:13Hmm, curious.
03:16Extraordinary.
03:16What a truly copacetic piece of machinery.
03:21What is it?
03:22Well, basically it appears to be a device that converts an individual into digital information
03:26and then transmits him as light beams to another point in space.
03:30Essentially, it's a matter transporter.
03:36It's pretty neat.
03:37Huh?
03:40Where'd you get it from?
03:41I think it must be a prototype.
03:43I found it in the research labs down on Z-Deck.
03:45I managed to cobble together the missing circuitry and it appears to be fully functional.
03:50Theoretically, it can transport several people at once.
03:53Would you like to grip a paddle, sir?
03:57We'll meet you by the Navicamp in Starbug.
04:02Let's go.
04:09I'm sorry about that, sir.
04:11I neglected to engage the depth function.
04:13We'll walk, right.
04:14We'll walk.
04:19So, besides cutting down on shoe leather, what good is it?
04:23Exploration.
04:24It can take you anywhere.
04:25It can home in on atmosphere-bearing planets within a range of 500,000 light years.
04:30If there are any life forms in the local systems,
04:32this thing will take you straight to them.
04:34So, are there any planets with an atmosphere in range?
04:36Well, several according to the paddle's scanners,
04:38but the most interesting prospect appears to be 200,000 light years away.
04:42In the normal cost of things, it would take Starbuck several billion years to reach it.
04:46That wouldn't be so bad.
04:48Rimmer could finish his risk story.
04:52Travelling subspace via the paddle, we would reach it almost instantaneously.
04:55Well, what are we waiting for?
04:57Hey, hey, hey.
04:58Nobody's rearranging my molecules.
05:00It's perfectly safe, sir, but I do suggest that Mr. Rimmer and I go on ahead as a scout party.
05:05What?
05:07Well, if the atmosphere isn't breathable, we won't be affected.
05:10If it is, we can send the paddle back to pick you up.
05:12The thing is, Criters, I'd love to be in the advanced scout party,
05:16facing all those thrilling unknown dangers with you,
05:19fighting a frontiersman's path through a jungle of discovery,
05:23but you're forgetting one thing.
05:24Oh, no, sir, I've taken your congenital caratis into consideration.
05:28I'm a hologram. I can't touch the thing. How can it transport me?
05:31Well, of course, you do have a small physical presence.
05:34Precisely.
05:38Holly, would you give me Mr. Rimmer's light beam?
05:41Wait a minute.
05:43What?
05:45Where am I?
05:47This is Rimmer.
05:48Yeah, it buzzes around inside him and projects his image.
05:55My God, that was disgusting.
05:57Please, sir, that's a very sophisticated piece of hardware.
06:00Really? Anyone fancy a game of squash?
06:02Sir!
06:05Now, if all goes well, the paddle will rematerialize here.
06:09Simply press this green key and you'll be transported down to the planet,
06:12a safe distance from us.
06:14Okay.
06:21What is this place?
06:22Well, I can't pinpoint our location precisely,
06:25but the atmosphere is indeed breathable.
06:27I'll return the paddle.
06:31What now?
06:32Well, I suggest we start to run, sir.
06:34I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.
06:38Why?
06:38Because of them, sir.
06:42Sir?
06:48Must be safe.
06:50Let's go.
06:55This will be the final push, my comrades.
06:59The resources are poor.
07:01The will is weak.
07:03We can cross them.
07:04We can grind them into the dirt.
07:06We can chew up their bodies and spit them out as if they are sourcoughed.
07:10They can't run us.
07:13Feed them.
07:15So long.
07:18Suckers.
07:20Don't panic me, man.
07:22Don't panic me, man.
07:24I'm doing my best.
07:27Where are we?
07:28I don't know.
07:29Stone.
07:31We're in some sort of narrow stone passageway.
07:34So what do we do?
07:35I can see daylight.
07:39I don't know.
07:40We stand around here, I suppose.
07:42To work out where we are.
07:46At least we're out of trouble.
07:49What were those guys?
07:50Well, the short one with the stupid tash was Hitler.
07:53And the jerky one and the charm molester glasses.
07:56He was gay.
07:58Suppose the fat bastard must have been garing.
08:00Must have been.
08:01He was a cocaine addict and a transvestite.
08:03Did you hear that?
08:04If things had worked out differently, I thought they'd make ends of a major movie star.
08:09Pens hook, pig dogs.
08:11I think it just worked out where we are.
08:13Get that machine.
08:18Are you seriously telling me he's a transvestite?
08:21Yeah.
08:22With those hips?
08:30I think we've lost them.
08:32I can't believe how feeble and improbable those creatures were, sir.
08:35I've seen more convincing dinosaurs given away free with a packet of wheaty flakes.
08:40There's something wrong here.
08:42Reach for the sky, boys.
08:43Thank you real much.
08:46Take it nice and easy.
08:48No funny business or I splash your guts around like the communion wine.
08:51Okay, I'll get it moving.
08:52Thank you real much.
08:53Which way?
08:56That way.
08:58What do you think these guys are going to do to us?
09:01Whatever it takes to find out about the paddle.
09:03Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word torture.
09:07I can take it.
09:08Okay, they may torture us.
09:10They may torture us.
09:11They probably won't, man.
09:12They're probably not even interested in the paddle.
09:14They'll just take us outside and execute us.
09:18You're just saying that to make me feel better.
09:21It's just, those guys are fiends.
09:23They instantly know your weak spots.
09:25As soon as they see me, they'll know they only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers
09:29and I'll sing like Tweety Park.
09:32I don't know what the Smeg went wrong.
09:34Crichton never said anything about the paddle taking us back in time.
09:37Which was transport us to the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere.
09:41How did Smeg to be wind up in the middle of the Third Reich?
09:44What are those guys doing out there?
09:46They're building something.
09:48What?
09:49Oh, nothing, nothing.
09:50Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job.
09:52Like the kind you get in shopping malls.
09:54What's it made of?
09:56Wood.
09:57It's a sort of inverted L-shape in wood.
10:01Does it have a kind of rope motif?
10:05There's a sort of noose-y theme to it, yeah?
10:09It's gallows, right?
10:10Look, if it's gallows, say it's gallows.
10:13I can take it.
10:14OK, it's gallows.
10:16I've built a gallows.
10:17How are you?
10:18Look, man, don't panic.
10:20We're going to escape.
10:21How?
10:22Just hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms and stroll out.
10:27Are you insane?
10:29You seriously expect me to wear grey out of season?
10:34I'd rather hang.
10:35Hang on, hang on.
10:36Something's happening.
10:38Some kind of parade or drill, but...
10:42But what?
10:43Hang on.
10:44These guys aren't natties.
10:46They're all wearing different period costumes.
10:49There's one that looks like Al Capone.
10:51There's another like Mussolini.
10:54Richard III, Napoleon.
10:56Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history
10:58have been brought together in one place.
11:01Oh, my God, there's James Last.
11:05I recognise him from Rimmer's record collection.
11:08What are they doing?
11:10They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad.
11:15Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on.
11:16Someone's being brought out.
11:18They're tying them to a stake.
11:21It's Winnie the Pooh.
11:25What?
11:26Winnie the Pooh, I swear.
11:29He's refusing the blindfold.
11:33They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake.
11:43That's something no one should ever have to see.
11:49My God, sirs!
11:51You may break our bones,
11:53but you'll never break our spirits.
11:56Good day, good sirs.
11:58The name's Lincoln.
12:01Abraham Lincoln.
12:08We have to face facts.
12:10The war is lost.
12:11But what are we going to do?
12:14I don't know.
12:16I still feel there's a solution
12:17probably involving triangles.
12:20Pythagoras, what is it with you,
12:21all those with the triangles?
12:23Your solution to everything is triangles.
12:25There are problems in life
12:26that can't be solved with triangles.
12:28Hey, we got us some prisoners.
12:31Anybody got a burger?
12:32Haven't eaten in five minutes.
12:34Thank you very much.
12:35Could someone tell me what's going on here?
12:37Who are these people?
12:38They're not wax droids.
12:40Wax droids?
12:41Of course, this whole place,
12:43the entire complex,
12:44is a colossal wax droid theme park.
12:46See, prehistoric world.
12:48That must be where we materialized.
12:49On either side of it,
12:50villain world and hero world.
12:52But I thought wax droids were programmed
12:54to repeat a simple sequence of routines
12:56over and over again.
12:57Well, they must have broken their programming,
12:58and now they're running amok.
13:00You see, we've been left here
13:01all alone for millions of years.
13:04We learned to break our program.
13:07And we've been fighting
13:07this idiotic, futile war ever since.
13:10A war?
13:11Good versus evil, sugar.
13:13Where's the rest of your army?
13:14They've all been killed.
13:18All our best warriors are gone, man.
13:20John Wayne, Sir Lancelot,
13:22Joan of Arc, Nelson,
13:23Wellington, hell, baby.
13:24Even Doris Day.
13:26They've all died in battle, man.
13:28And you're all that's left
13:30just a smattering of intellectuals,
13:32pacifists, and celebrities?
13:33We number less than 20.
13:35If only we numbered 21,
13:37then at least we could form
13:38an equilateral triangle.
13:40Will you shut up already
13:41with the triangles?
13:42Everything is triangles.
13:44They're driving me crazy.
13:45Who do the enemy have?
13:47The cream of evil.
13:49Hitler, Napoleon, Messalina,
13:51Caligula, the Boston Strangler,
13:52dozens of them.
13:53We don't even have a leader.
13:55We are really good at chess.
13:57My God, you frighten me.
14:00This is my destiny.
14:02I was born for this moment.
14:04I'm not sure I'm following you, sir.
14:06Across that valley lies
14:07an army of darkness
14:08such as mankind has never seen.
14:10The only thing between them
14:12and total victory
14:13is this pathetic pocket of resistance
14:15without a leader,
14:16without a plan.
14:18And into this bleak arena
14:19steps a man.
14:20The man for the moment.
14:22Who?
14:23Me.
14:23Who do you think?
14:24Pat Boone?
14:26Gentlemen, ladies,
14:28assemble your troops for inspection
14:29at 1,500 hours.
14:31Together with my valiant
14:33adjutant Crichton,
14:34I'm going to turn you
14:34into the meanest,
14:36fittest fighting machine
14:37that ever graced a battlefield.
14:39Come on, Crichton.
14:41But I don't want to fight.
14:42I'm going to get killed.
14:43I don't...
14:47And we've been fighting
14:49the wax war ever since.
14:51What's the point of this war?
14:53They want our wax
14:55so they can melt us down,
14:56insert new programs
14:57and turn us into their own kind.
14:59That's why we're becoming
15:00so hopelessly outnumbered.
15:02On your feet, pigs.
15:04Hey, buddy, we just...
15:06Silence, scum!
15:09Why do you not sink to your knees
15:10and bow in the presence
15:12of the Emperor Caligula?
15:13Who is this guy?
15:15Caligula's a famous Roman emperor.
15:17He slept with his mother,
15:18both his sisters,
15:18and ended up eating his son.
15:20Hey, a little advice, bud.
15:21We all feel peckishy
15:22after making love,
15:23but most of us settle for pizza.
15:26You are an impudent fool.
15:30I don't know who the other one is.
15:32That's Rasputin,
15:33the most hated, loathed,
15:35and despised man of his era.
15:36This machine, how does it work?
15:39I don't know.
15:39If I did, I wouldn't be here.
15:41Very well.
15:42If that's the way you want to play it,
15:44Rasputin,
15:45bring in the bucket of soapy frogs
15:47and remove his trousers.
15:48Hang on, it's got something to do
15:50with travelling across subspace.
15:52Demonstrate.
15:53Well, like I said,
15:53I don't really know.
15:54Oh, very well.
15:56Rasputin,
15:57bring hither the skin-diving suit
15:58with the bottom cut out
15:59and unleash the rampant wildebeest.
16:03Hang on, I'll try my best.
16:04I'll try my best.
16:05Just give it here.
16:07Ah, you think I'm insane.
16:09Shall we take a quick vote?
16:12I'm a silent scum!
16:13Shut up!
16:18We'll all hold on to it.
16:24Now!
16:25Come on, let's get out of here.
16:35Rasputin, I'm very cross indeed.
16:38Guards!
16:41Miss Roy,
16:42if we make good time,
16:43we'll be back at HQ by sunset.
16:47What a challenge.
16:48The greatest minds in military history
16:51against me.
16:52Let's pray they're up to it.
16:53Are you sure your sanity chip
16:55is fully screwed in, sir?
16:56Have you any conception
16:57of what's lining up outside
16:59for your inspection?
17:00I'll soon shape them up.
17:02By God,
17:02I only wish the lads
17:03from the I.O. Amateur Wargamers
17:05and the recreators
17:06of the Battle of Kneesden Society
17:07could see me now.
17:08They choke on their pike staffs.
17:10Thank you very much, sir.
17:12As you were, Sergeant Presley.
17:14You guys are outside, sir,
17:15waiting inspection.
17:16Thank you very much.
17:18Well done, Presley.
17:20Uh-huh.
17:22Good for you, sir.
17:24Crichton,
17:24let's see what we've got, eh?
17:40What's your name, soldier?
17:41His name's Gandhi, sir.
17:43Mahatma Gandhi.
17:44Well, get him out of that damn nappy
17:45and into a uniform.
17:47Have you no pride, man?
17:49Don't you want to win this war?
17:51Don't eyeball me, Gandhi.
17:54Get on the floor and give me 50.
17:56No!
18:01Teresa, sir.
18:02Mother Teresa.
18:05Assisi, sir.
18:06St. Francis of Assisi.
18:07There's only two kinds from Assisi.
18:10Steers and queers.
18:11Which are you, boy?
18:12Moving hastily on, sir.
18:15What's he doing here?
18:15He was posted here from the fictional section, sir.
18:18The Dalai Lama.
18:23Mr. Noel Cowher, sir.
18:24Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
18:25Shut up.
18:27Mr. Jean-Paul Sartre, sir?
18:30Who?
18:30He's a philosopher, sir.
18:32He's an existentialist.
18:33Well, Sartre,
18:34we don't like existentialists around here.
18:36And we certainly don't like French philosophers
18:39poncing around in their black polo necks
18:41filling everyone's heads
18:42with their theories about the bleakness of existence
18:44and the absurdity of the cosmos.
18:45Clear?
18:48Well!
18:49You're quite the worst bunch
18:51of famous historical wax droids
18:53I've ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on.
18:57You're a total bloody shambles.
18:59And if we're going to win this war,
19:02someone is going to have to turn you into soldiers.
19:05And that someone, ladies and gentlemen,
19:07is me!
19:10Over to you, Crichton.
19:16I'm watching you, Gandhi.
19:20We are tough and we are mean
19:22Arnie Rim is the health machine.
19:25All we do is kill and slay.
19:28We don't care if we get blown away.
19:30Ain't hard, ain't I-D.
19:33Ain't hard, ain't I-D.
19:35Arnie Rim is the health machine.
19:45You're driving them too hard, sir.
19:47It's my job to drive them hard, Crichton.
19:49The three of them have melted from exhaustion.
19:52Perhaps I have been a bit too tough.
19:54But it's for their own good.
19:55You're killing them for their own good?
19:57Look, when they get out on that battlefield,
19:59don't you think the enemy
19:59are going to try and kill them?
20:00They won't need to.
20:01You'll have wiped them all out first.
20:04I know what I'm doing, Crichton.
20:06We attack tomorrow
20:09under cover of daylight.
20:12Daylight, sir?
20:13It's the last thing they'll be expecting.
20:15A daylight charge over the minefield.
20:17The whatfield?
20:19Obviously, I'll have to coordinate things from back here.
20:22Now, this is the plan.
20:23Rimma?
20:23Thank you very much, sir.
20:24These people say they know you, sir.
20:26Thank you very much.
20:27Listie, welcome to command centre.
20:29Rimma, what's going on out there?
20:31Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi?
20:32What's he doing?
20:33Practicing hand-to-hand combat with a nun?
20:36That's not a nun, Listie.
20:38That's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Teresa.
20:41She's a soldier now.
20:42What are you doing, buddy?
20:43I'm winning this war.
20:44That's what I'm doing, buddy.
20:46You won't believe what a ragamuffin bunch
20:48of lefty, wishy-washy liberals they were
20:50before I knocked some good old-fashioned
20:52death-of-glory bloodlust into them.
20:54Rimma, you've taken a group of holy men
20:56and pacifists and turned them into the dirty dozen.
20:59No, I can't take all the credit.
21:02Couldn't have done it without Crichton here.
21:03Oh, I'm sorry, sirs.
21:04I had no choice.
21:05I'm programmed to obey,
21:06no matter how psychotic and deranged the human order.
21:09Rimma, you're going to get these guys wiped out?
21:11They're not soldiers?
21:12He's flipped.
21:13With all respect, sir, he's right.
21:15I beg you to reconsider.
21:16They're only wax droids.
21:18But Rimma, they've broken the programming.
21:20They're capable of independent thought.
21:22That makes them alive.
21:24Makes them practically people.
21:25I'm not going to let you do it.
21:27Pardon me?
21:28You heard me.
21:29If you can talk them into it,
21:30then I can talk them out.
21:31I see.
21:33Son Presley?
21:33Thank you very much, sir.
21:35Place these gentlemen under arrest until further notice.
21:38If they resist, shoot them.
21:40Reach from the sky, boys.
21:41Let me see if I'm under stains.
21:42Go on, Crichton.
21:46He's been acting strangely ever since we landed here, sir.
21:48I think it might have affected his mind
21:50when you chewed his light bee.
21:51I'll do more than chew his light bee
21:53when we got out of here.
21:54Crichton!
22:02Crichton!
22:04Well, I don't know about the enemy,
22:07but you certainly scare the hell out of me.
22:10Let's get this show on the road.
22:13Company!
22:15Advance!
22:18Right.
22:20You know what you have to do.
22:25Let's go, Holly.
22:26OK, matey.
22:52OK, matey.
22:57Oh, shut.
23:03Try them!
23:05In! Shoot them!
23:06Knock it!
23:19Iron Duke. Iron Duke.
23:21This is pawn sacrifice.
23:23Come in, please.
23:25How's it going?
23:26I'm in the Third Reich building.
23:28Minimal resistance.
23:29Just as you planned, the decoy charge has drawn their fire.
23:33Okay, now find the boiler room and hit the thermostat.
23:37They'll melt once it hits 100 degrees.
23:40I'm on my way, sir.
23:44Victory, gentlemen.
23:45The fascists have fallen.
23:47May I untie them now, sir?
23:50Rejoice, we conquer.
23:51Victory on wax world.
23:53It's VW day.
23:55So you took the HQ?
23:57Wiped them all out?
23:58To a droid.
23:58It's true.
23:59All melted.
24:00And what about Arnie's army?
24:02Yeah, how many of them made it back?
24:04There are always casualties in war, gentlemen.
24:07Otherwise, it wouldn't be war.
24:08It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing and shoving.
24:12How many survived?
24:13Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate.
24:17But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout none of them.
24:24So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
24:26You make it sound so negative, Lister.
24:29Don't you see?
24:30The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
24:33No, it isn't, pal.
24:34You're still here.
24:36I've brought about peace.
24:38Peace, freedom and democracy.
24:40Yeah, remember, right, absolutely.
24:42Now all the corpses that litter that battlefield can just lie there, safe in the knowledge that they snuffed it
24:46under a flag of peace,
24:47and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom.
24:51You smeghead.
24:53It really is no pleasing to some people, isn't it?
24:55Well, at least we got the matter paddle back.
24:58Well, there's nothing to stay here for.
25:00Let's get back.
25:01Well, shouldn't we go out onto the battlefield and bask in the glow of victory?
25:05Holly, give me his light, B.
25:08See you, Rimmer.
25:10Sir, what are you thinking of?
25:15It's OK.
25:16He'll come out in a couple of days.
25:20He's been through what he's put us through.
25:23Does anyone fancy a Vindaloo?
25:31No, I have to stay alone, more or less.
25:36Let me fly far away from here.
25:40Fun, fun, fun.
25:42In the sun, sun, sun.
25:45I want to like every combatory.
25:50Three fresh mango juice.
25:52Go for your shows.
25:54Even if I told you.
25:56Fun, fun, fun.
25:58In the sun, sun, sun.
26:02Ah, shit.
26:03I want to fly far away.
26:05In the sun, sun, sun.
26:09Oh!
26:11Come here, baby.
26:12Huh!
26:16Thank you very much.
26:17What show?
26:18I want to be back.
26:18Oh, come here, baby.
26:22You bete beach.
26:23I want to be there.
26:24I want to be the one-
26:27You
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