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16:25and he died tragically in a plane crash aged 98 98 his own fault apparently he
16:31was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane
16:36have you got any photographs not of that no no I mean so I can go in and bring
16:42him back well there's only one picture reference but you're not gonna like it
16:47put it on the show that shows the stairway to the stars here's plays
16:52hello and welcome to the lifestyles of the disgustingly rich and famous tonight
16:57we'll be looking at the world's youngest billionaire mr. Dave tension sheet
17:01Lister behind me mr. Lister's English mansion he had the whole building
17:06transported brick by brick from half a mile down the road just to get away from
17:10the neighbors now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs
17:16came from Buckingham Palace Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to
17:21line his drive this man has a wad so thick you could use it to beat Wales to
17:27death he calls his home Xanadu not in reference to the famous movie Citizen
17:31Kane but as a tribute to the hit single by Dave D Dozy Beaky McIntosh but Dave has
17:38musical aspirations of his own only last year his first single Ohm shot to
17:43number one when he personally purchased three million copies you'll never be short
17:48of an ashtray in his house but like many people who appear to have everything Dave's life has been
17:54tinged with tragedy well actually it hasn't but we can only hope now onto Dr. Bob Porkman
18:01father of the condom that calls you back freeze I've seen enough what you want to do I'm going in
18:08I'm going in to rescue him rescue him it's my duty my duty is a complete and utter bastard
18:20so that he can correlate his facts he's got cash
18:25he's got money he's got cash
18:45Mr. Lister sir what an utter delight sir it is to welcome you home
18:49killed it my man you're looking bad baby indeed sir you're my main main main main man
18:56whoa
19:07I am most awfully sorry about the statue sir the contractors still haven't devised a way of making it
19:14urinate champagne into the courtyard although I am assured that it will be fully functional for the royal visit this
19:21week
19:21oh get out of town this is gonna slay him indeed sir I'm only just recovering from the hilarity of
19:28the gag myself
19:31almost Swiftian in its rapier like subtlety
19:44I told daddy today about us I mean and how did the old codger take it well not terribly well
19:50actually
19:50he perched himself on top of his clay pigeon launching machine and shouted poor
19:58for madam lobster a la grec for sir a sausage and onion gravy sandwich on white bread with a glass
20:06of sterilized milk
20:08I used to live on these when I was in the band
20:11as requested sir it was helicoptered in this morning from Luigi's fish and a chip emporium
20:17an artist beyond comparison sir
20:22excuse me sir but a gentleman appears to have appeared in the corner of the room
20:27Misty it's me
20:30it's me Rimmer
20:31Rimsie Arnie Rimmer
20:33Arnie old iron balls
20:35Rimmer
20:37Rimmer
20:38apparently the gentleman's name is Rimmer sir
20:40have we met have we met we're like brothers we were shipmates red dwarf
20:48you don't remember do you remember what of course you don't remember it hasn't happened has it
20:54what hasn't happened
20:56Sabrina Mulholland jones
20:58yes
20:58the Sabrina Mulholland jones model best-selling novelist and international jet setter
21:04Yeah, she's me bird.
21:06She's me bird?
21:08You talk about the Duke of Lincoln's eldest daughter as me bird?
21:12Gilbert, can you escort Mr. Rumer to the door?
21:15But I'd come here to save you.
21:16Throw him out, Gilbert, he's a nutter.
21:18You care to step this way, sir?
21:20But we were friends, we were buddies.
21:22Let's not have a scene, sir.
21:24You call this happiness?
21:26Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants?
21:30Living with a love goddess, sex-bomb model megastar?
21:33You call this contentment?
21:34You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us
21:37and I ask one simple question.
21:39Who is the rich man?
21:41You, with your 58 houses, your private island in the Bahamas,
21:45your multi-billion-pound business empire,
21:48or me, with...
21:51with...
21:51with what I've got?
21:56It's you, isn't it?
21:59Yes, it's all very clear to me now.
22:01You, richer and happier.
22:03This way, sir.
22:07Should have thought a bit harder about that speech, really.
22:10Copied up a bit, didn't I?
22:15Any luck?
22:17Useless.
22:18Didn't listen.
22:19Didn't even recognise me.
22:21Just thought I was some neurotic, deranged, crazy madman.
22:24Sure he didn't recognise you.
22:26Wait a tension-popping minute.
22:28If Lister can do it, why can't I?
22:31These photographs, there's one somewhere here of me at boarding school, aged eight.
22:36I can invent the tension sheet before him.
22:38I can get there first.
22:39But then you'll disappear and become incredibly wealthy,
22:42and Lister will be sent hurtling back through time.
22:44Yes, and the Cat and Crichton will be brought back into existence.
22:48True, as a by-product, I'll become mega-rich
22:50and be forced to have constant sex with that J. Jones woman.
22:54But that's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make.
22:59Holly, torch.
23:19Psst, wake up.
23:21What is it?
23:25Look, don't be afraid.
23:27I'm going to make you rich.
23:29All you've got to do is listen very, very carefully.
23:34Right, this is the plan.
23:36You are going to invent a thing called the tension sheet.
23:39Tension sheet?
23:40T-t-tension.
23:42Tension sheet.
23:43Will you shut up?
23:43I'm trying to talk to the kid.
23:45Are you listening?
23:46They're little sheets of paper with lots of air bubbles in them.
23:49Like you get in packing paper.
23:50Look, do you mind, Holden?
23:52This is a private conversation.
23:53Go back to sleep.
23:55They're exactly the same as the ones you get in packing paper.
23:59But you paint them red.
24:01Why red?
24:02Because it helps people relax.
24:03You shut up.
24:04I'm trying to make the kid rich.
24:07You'd write better if you took off your boxing gloves.
24:12Now, have you got all that?
24:14I think so.
24:15First thing tomorrow, take the idea to the patent office.
24:18I can't.
24:19Not first thing in the morning.
24:21I've got extra rugby practice because I'm so wet.
24:25All right, lunchtime.
24:27Take it at lunchtime, okay?
24:29I've got to go now.
24:33Oi.
24:35Don't mess this up.
24:37No, sir.
24:44Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.
24:45If I were a rich man.
24:51Work, then, did it?
24:52Holly, though it pains me dearly, I'll be having to say ta-ta.
24:56Ta-ta to your stupid gormless face.
24:58Ta-ta poverty.
25:00Ta-ta failure.
25:01Hello, Sabrina.
25:02Hello, sexual ecstasy.
25:05Ah-ah.
25:06Here they come.
25:06Bang on time.
25:08Well, gentlemen, just enough time for me to say toodly-pipsky.
25:13I'll be disappearing any moment now.
25:16What happened?
25:17Here it comes.
25:19Any moment.
25:21What's he talking about?
25:23Any moment.
25:26Any moment now.
25:30It hasn't worked.
25:31According to my databank, you didn't invent the tension sheet.
25:34It was invented by a gentleman named Thickey Holden.
25:38What?
25:39All you've gone and done is put things back exactly as they were.
25:43Why does nothing ever go right for me?
25:46Every time I get so much as a snifter of a break, a glimpse of a shadow of happiness,
25:51something inexplicably cruel and horrible happens and it all blows up in my face.
25:56Hang on, Amo.
25:57Something is different.
25:59Don't ask me why, but somehow you're no longer a hologram.
26:01You're alive.
26:02You're alive.
26:03What?
26:10I'm alive!
26:12I'm alive!
26:16I'm alive!
26:19Crichton, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.
26:24I'm alive!
26:30I can feel, I can fondle, I'm alive!
26:36Don't you think it's incredible?
26:37I am alive!
26:43What was he saying?
26:48It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.
26:52I'm all alone, more or less, let me fly, far away from here.
26:59Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
27:05I want to lie, shipwrecked and combatoes, drinking fresh mango juice, goldfish shows, nibbling
27:14get my toes, fun, fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
27:22Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
27:45I want to lie, everybody.
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