A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
01:00It's millions of miles wide. It's massive.
01:02Why didn't you see anything on the radar screen?
01:04Well, the thing about a black art, its main distinguishing feature, is it's black.
01:09And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is it's black.
01:16So how are you supposed to see them?
01:18But five of them? How can you be ambushed by five black holes?
01:24It's always the way, isn't it?
01:26We've been in deep space for three million years and there hasn't been one.
01:29Then all of a sudden, five of them turn up.
01:33Come on, we've only got 20 minutes.
01:35Careful, careful. Mind the hatchway. Don't knock it.
01:37What do you want to bring this piece of junk for?
01:40That piece of junk happens to be a Javanese camphorwood chest.
01:43It belonged to my father and it's got all my valuables in it.
01:45I never knew you had so much crap.
01:49What's this? Toy soldiers?
01:51Toy soldiers? They've been in our family for years.
01:55They're priceless 19th century replicas of Napoleon's Almeidunor.
01:59So you can't change the clothes and that like you can with Cindy?
02:02Look, we've got barely 15 minutes.
02:05What the smeg is this?
02:08Just what little I've managed to scrimp and scrape by tossing the odd copper aside for a rainy day.
02:13Remember, there must be 20 grand yet?
02:1424. Look, I thought we were supposed to be getting off the ship.
02:1824,000?
02:19And you had the front to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday present?
02:25That's going back a bit, Lister. It was only 15 quid.
02:28Right, yeah, 15 quid.
02:30And what did I get? A five quid book token.
02:34Those cards aren't free, you know. I had to fork out for that as well.
02:38Remember, you never even paid me back.
02:40Honestly, you're tighter than Italian waiter's kex.
02:44A blue midget is loaded.
02:46Aren't you guys ready yet? Don't hang around for us. We'll catch you up. Are you sure you've got everything?
02:50Just the bare essentials, food and medical supplies?
02:53Yeah, I'm just taking the bare essentials too.
02:5536 changes of clothing and 10 full-length dress mirrors.
02:59We're going to be away for 12 hours.
03:02You think I need more mirrors?
03:04Get out of me yet. Let's go, go, go!
03:12Right, I want a safe, sensible drive.
03:14No stunts.
03:15No worries.
03:22OK, this is the plan. I'll navigate Red to Wolf through the minefield of black holes.
03:26If all goes well, we'll rendezvous on the desert moon, Sigma 14D.
03:29But what happens if all doesn't go well?
03:31Well, Red to Wolf and everything in it will be compacted down to the size of a small garden pea.
03:36Bye-bye, birds, eh?
03:44Please, honestly, they're priceless.
03:46I'm only having a goosey.
03:48Look, if you get curry all over them, how's that going to look?
03:50What's Lieutenant General Baron Jackino of the 1st Cavalry Division supposed to be doing with meat vindaloo all over his
03:55chibi?
03:57It'll make him look more authentic. People will think he's got dysentery.
04:02You're obsessed with war, though, aren't you?
04:04I mean, you collect toy soldiers, you play war games, you read all those stupid combat magazines.
04:10And half of your books are about Patton and Caesar and various other gits.
04:15It's about leadership.
04:17That's what I admire.
04:18It's just ironic, really, when deep down, you're such a basic natural coward.
04:23Coward?
04:25Planet Leaf, Miranda, that space bar, the Hacienda, remember that?
04:28When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full
04:32of dynamite.
04:34But that was a barroom brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic drunken set to.
04:40But you started.
04:42I just made an innocuous comment.
04:45I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead.
04:51I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it.
04:54To his face. Right to his face.
04:57When he was his four biggest mates.
05:00And then do your roadrunner act and you leave me to face the music.
05:03Well, I could have got hurt.
05:05You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?
05:08Listen, the generals don't smash chairs over people's heads.
05:11They don't get Newcastle brown bottles, stick them in your face and say,
05:14Stitch that, Jimmy.
05:17Generals were in the nice white tent on the hill, sipping Sancerre, directing the battle.
05:22They're men of honour.
05:23I don't believe it. You make war sound romantic.
05:26See, I'll tell you something.
05:27Something I've never told anyone.
05:29When I was 15, I went on a school trip to Macedonia,
05:33to the site of Alexander the Great's palace.
05:35And for the first time in my whole life, I felt...
05:38I felt I was home.
05:40This palace was where I belonged.
05:43Years later, I got friendly with the hypnotherapist, Donald.
05:47And I told him all about the Alexander the Great things.
05:49And he said he could regress me back through my past lives.
05:53I was dubious.
05:54But I let him put me back.
05:56It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct.
05:59I had lived a past life in Macedonia.
06:01That palace was my home.
06:03Because, you see, Lister, believe it or not,
06:07he told me that in a previous incarnation,
06:10I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
06:17Do you know something?
06:18I believe you.
06:21He didn't say I was Alexander the Great himself,
06:24which is obviously what I wanted to hear.
06:26But it explained everything.
06:28I'd lived a past life alongside one of the greatest generals in history.
06:31No wonder the military's in my blood.
06:33No wonder you're such a good singer.
06:35Maybe it's tot, I don't know.
06:37But it's funny, even to this day,
06:38I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without Whitson.
06:43And why is it every time I'm with a large group of women,
06:46I have this overwhelming urge to bathe them all in warm olive oil?
06:50Remember, I have that urge.
06:52It's got nothing to do with past lives.
06:56Well, why is it then?
06:57It's because you're unhappy.
06:59You're unhappy with your own boring, humdrum, weaselly existence.
07:06You're looking for something with a bit more, oh, I don't know, glamour.
07:11But now is what counts for me, living for today.
07:13I mean, who knows what's going to happen tomorrow?
07:15Who knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes?
07:17It'll make life so exciting.
07:18I mean, who knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes?
08:01I mean, who knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes?
08:18I mean, who knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes?
08:21Mayday, mayday. Can you read me? Come in, please. Can you read me?
08:29Still snowing, is it?
08:31It's useless. You can only stand up. Never mind. Dig it out.
08:35No luck. Nothing is getting through.
08:38Three smeg in days. They must be looking for us by now.
08:42What a smeg, are they?
08:43It's impossible to find us in this weather. They could be ten feet away and walk straight past us.
08:48We're going to die, aren't we? How much food is there?
08:52It's half a bag of soggy, smoky bacon crisps.
08:56A tin of mustard powder.
08:58Three water biscuits.
09:00A brown lemon. Two bottles of vinegar.
09:03And a tube of Bongella gum ointment.
09:08Gum ointment?
09:10I found it in the first aid box. It's that minty flavour. It's quite nice.
09:14It's quite nice if you smear it on your mouth all sirima. You can't sit down and eat it.
09:19You may have to.
09:20And that's it. There's nothing else.
09:23Just a pot noodle.
09:25Oh, and I found a tin of dog food in the tool cupboard.
09:27Well, it's obvious what gets eaten last then, isn't it?
09:30Can't stand pot noodles.
09:34We're going to die, aren't we?
09:35Correction, I'm going to die.
09:37I mean, you're a hologram. You're Eddie dead. You don't need food.
09:39Did you find any wood?
09:41There's no wood out there.
09:43There's no vegetation. Smeg all. Just a wasteland.
09:46You've got to keep this fire going. It's your only form of heat.
09:50I'm going to die, aren't I?
09:52God, I'm hungry. I'm going to have the crisps.
09:54No. Just one.
09:55You ate less than 16 hours ago.
09:59I had the raw sprouts and that piece of chewing gum I found stuck under the desk.
10:03Look, you've got to pace yourself. Go to sleep. Wait till tomorrow.
10:07It's okay for you. You're a hologram. You don't need to eat. You don't even feel the cold.
10:11Look, think of something else. Try to take your mind off it.
10:16Mayday. Mayday.
10:18I wonder why they call it Mayday.
10:20Eh?
10:21The distress call. I wonder why it's Mayday. It's only a bank holiday.
10:25Why not Shrove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday?
10:30Ascension Sunday. Ascension Sunday.
10:34The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.
10:39It's French, you doik.
10:41Mayday. Help me. Mayday.
10:45Is that right?
10:46If you wear a look, it reminds me of food.
10:48Look at these books. Charles Lamb.
10:52Herman Wok.
10:54The complete waiters of Francis Bacon.
10:57Eric Van Lustbader.
11:00Eric Van Lustbader.
11:02What's he got to do with food?
11:03Van. Meat van. Bread van. Foods.
11:08Look, you're getting obsessed.
11:10It's just these books. It's like someone's put them here to taunt me.
11:13Look at this one. The Caretaker by Harold Pinter.
11:17It's Pinter.
11:19Look, stop thinking about food.
11:20Take my mind off it, then. Talk to me about something.
11:23Like what?
11:24Anything.
11:25Er, come on.
11:27Anything apart from food?
11:28Don't talk about food.
11:30I just can't think of another topic.
11:32Don't mention topics. It's the foods.
11:35Tell me a story, man. Any story.
11:38I don't know any stories.
11:39Anything.
11:41Tell me how you lost your virginity.
11:42My what?
11:43Talk to me.
11:46How I lost it?
11:49Well, it was so long ago, Lister.
11:50I was so young and sexually precocious, I'm not sure I can remember.
11:55Everyone can remember how they lost their virginity.
11:57It's just one of those things.
11:59Like, everyone can remember where they were the day Cliff Richard was shot.
12:04Or when the first woman landed on Pluto.
12:07Or when they installed that gigantic toupee over the Earth to cover the gap in the ozone layer.
12:12It's just one of those things you always remember.
12:15Well, I don't.
12:16Good grief.
12:17You could hardly expect me to recall every single sexual liaison I've ever partaken of.
12:22What do you think I am? The memory man?
12:24Remember, don't give me this. I want the truth.
12:26The truth?
12:30There's not much to tell, really.
12:32I was always a bit of a fish out of water around women.
12:35Never know what to say to them.
12:40I never think I was very highly sexed, to be honest with you.
12:43I think it was all that school cabbage I was forced to eat as a boy.
12:48Still, the first ever time, the first time was with this girl I met at cadet school called Sandra.
12:54We did it in the back of my brother's car.
12:57What was it like?
12:58Brilliant. Incredible.
13:00Bentley V8 Conversion.
13:04Walnut burr panelling. Marvellous machine. Marvellous.
13:09So, come on. How do you lose yours?
13:12Michelle Fisher.
13:13The ninth hole of Bootle Municipal Golf Course.
13:16Par four, dog look to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
13:20You lost your virginity on a golf course?
13:23How did you have the nerve?
13:25It wasn't in the middle of the rye of the cup or anything.
13:27It was midnight.
13:29How old were you?
13:30She was so good looking. If she wanted, she could have got a job working behind the perfume counter at
13:35Lewis's.
13:36That's how gorgeous she was.
13:37How old were you?
13:38She just took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked.
13:42I was so excited and nearly dropped my skateboard.
13:47Skateboard? How old were you?
13:48Twelve.
13:50Twelve?
13:52Twelve years old?
13:54You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
13:59Twelve?
14:02You can't have been a full member of the golf club then?
14:07Of course I wasn't.
14:09You did it on a golf course and you weren't a member?
14:13Of course I wasn't.
14:15You didn't pay any green fees or anything?
14:18It was just a place to go.
14:20Oh!
14:22I used to play golf.
14:23I hate people who abuse the facilities.
14:27I hope you rake the sand back nicely before your lap.
14:31That would be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it?
14:33Competition the next day your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice.
14:38You'd need more than a niblick to get that one out.
14:41That's what I say, I've got a big bump.
14:44Big?
14:45It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.
14:50The only thing I ever lost when I was twelve were my shoes with the compass in the heel and
14:55the animal tracks on the soles.
14:57Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank behind the sports ground.
15:01I cried for weeks.
15:03I was wearing them.
15:07I never even thought about sex when I was twelve.
15:10Maybe that's because you used to be Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
15:15What are you doing?
15:16There's nothing left to burn.
15:18My books. Don't burn my books.
15:20There's nothing else left.
15:21But it's obscene. A book is a thing of beauty.
15:24It's the voice of freedom, the essence of civilisation.
15:27Biggles learns to fly.
15:31Well, perhaps not that one, but you know what I'm saying.
15:33The complete works of Shakespeare.
15:36This'll be good for a couple of hours.
15:37I don't know, three days without food and the walls of civilisation come tumbling down.
15:42What are you on about?
15:44They say that any society is three meals away from revolution.
15:48Deprive a culture of food for three meals and you'll have anarchy.
15:52And it's true, isn't it?
15:53You've gone without food for two days and you're turning into a barbarian.
15:56I'm just being in a book.
15:58But it's not just a book.
15:59It's the only copy of probably the greatest work in English literature.
16:03Probably the only copy left in the entire universe.
16:05And you're quite happy to chuck it on the fire to keep your mitts warm for fifteen minutes.
16:09There's nothing left to burn.
16:12That's it then, is it?
16:13Toodle-pip King Lear.
16:14Farewell Macbeth.
16:16Bye-bye Hamlet.
16:17Have you ever actually read any of it?
16:21I've seen West Side Story.
16:24That's basically...
16:26Have you ever actually read any of it?
16:29Not all the way through, no.
16:32But I can quote some then.
16:33Well, go on then.
16:41Now!
16:44That's all I can remember.
16:48What's that from then?
16:50Richard III, you moron.
16:51That brilliant now speech.
16:52He does the beginning.
16:53Now, something, something, something.
16:55Oh, it's brilliant.
16:56Unforgettable.
16:59I'll save it until last.
17:01Lolita.
17:01Is it okay for being Lolita?
17:03Save page 61.
17:07That bit.
17:08That's disgusting.
17:38And you can take that look off your face like I'm doing something disgusting.
17:42I'm just trying to stay alive.
17:43You're going to eat the dog food?
17:46Yeah.
17:47Yeah.
17:47I haven't eaten for six days.
17:49I'm going to eat the dog food.
17:50I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.
17:52I mean, this isn't dog food.
17:55It's a piece of prime fillet steak and blue cheese sauce.
17:59It's been charcoal broiled in garlic butter and it's going to taste delicious.
18:04Delicious.
18:05Delicious.
18:14Well, now I can see why dogs lick their testicles.
18:23It's going to take away the taste of the food.
18:27The stove's getting low.
18:29Better throw another book on.
18:30It's the last one.
18:32What?
18:33You've burnt all of them.
18:34When we get through to act five of Henry the eighth, I'm a dead man.
18:39There must be something else to burn.
18:47No, not the trunk.
18:49It's Javanese camphor wood.
18:50It's priceless.
18:51There's nothing else to burn except the trunk.
18:52And what's in the trunk?
18:53Now, wait a minute.
18:55Not Napoleon's ArmƩe du Nord.
18:57But get real, man.
18:58What's important?
19:00If it burns, we burn it.
19:02What's the least valuable?
19:03Not the trunk.
19:04My father gave me that trunk.
19:05And the soldiers then.
19:06But they're 19th century.
19:08They're irreplaceable.
19:09They were hand-carved by the legendary Dubois brothers.
19:12Well, then.
19:18Better start unpacking the soldiers.
19:20No, there must be something else to burn.
19:22There must be.
19:24Remember, there isn't.
19:25I've looked.
19:26Look, I know it must be a bit of a bummer.
19:29I mean, I know it must be heartbreaking, but it's just stuff.
19:32It's only possessions.
19:33They're only things.
19:35In the end, they're not important.
19:36I mean, they might go for a bundle in some swanky Islington antique shop.
19:41But right here and right now, all they are is nicely painted firewood.
19:47This isn't happening.
19:48It's a nightmare.
19:49I mean, you've got to get your priorities right.
19:52It's like those people you read about who run back into a burning house
19:55to rescue some treasured piece of furniture and wind up burning to death.
19:58I mean, nothing's more important than a human life.
20:02What about your guitar?
20:03Except my guitar.
20:06Why didn't we think of it before?
20:07We could burn your guitar.
20:09Not my guitar, Rimmer.
20:10Yeah.
20:10It's made of wood.
20:12Yeah, but it's my guitar.
20:13I've had it since I was 16.
20:15That is an authentic Les Paul copy.
20:18It's not worth anything.
20:19It's just a thing.
20:20Just a possession.
20:21Yeah, but it's mine.
20:23How is it any different from my soldiers?
20:25That's my lifeline.
20:27I need that guitar.
20:29I mean, when it gets to me, I mean, the loneliness and all that,
20:34when it gets on top of me, it's my only means of escape.
20:38I mean, I know I'm not exactly a wizard on it.
20:41I know it's only got five strings and three of them a G.
20:45But through the whole of me life, I've never had anything to cling on to.
20:49No roots, no parents, no education.
20:52No education?
20:53I went to art college.
20:56All I've ever had is that guitar.
20:58It's the only thing for the whole of me miserable smacking life
21:00that hasn't walked out on me.
21:02Don't make me burn it.
21:07We've got to.
21:15Look, I know this might sound stupid, like, but...
21:18Can I just play one song on it?
21:21Just one for the road.
21:23Sure.
21:24Sure.
21:24I mean, I'm not enjoying this.
21:26I know, man.
21:27Thanks.
21:35She's out of my life
21:39I
21:39I don't know whether to laugh or cry
21:44My step-dad taught me this one.
21:46It's the first song I ever learned to play.
21:49Just gonna...
21:51I don't know whether to live or die
21:54She's out of my
21:58I
21:58I
22:28Oh.
22:59I don't know what to say.
23:01There's nothing to say.
23:02You've made a supreme sacrifice, you know that?
23:07A supreme sacrifice.
23:09Had to be done.
23:10I've been judging the book by its cover, haven't I?
23:13All these years, that's what I've been doing.
23:15And when it really comes down to it, you are one heck of a regular guy.
23:21There's no point being modest.
23:22I know what that guitar meant to you.
23:24It means exactly the same as that trunk means to me.
23:29If that trunk got so much as scratched, I would be devastated.
23:35It's not the outward value.
23:37To me, that trunk is a link to the past.
23:40A link to the father I never managed to square things with.
23:43Is it?
23:44That trunk is the only thing he ever gave me, apart from his disappointment.
23:53And you've shown me by burning your guitar what true value really is.
23:58Decency.
23:59Self-sacrifice.
24:01Those are the things that make up real wealth.
24:03And from where I'm standing, I'm a pretty rich man.
24:07Oh, God.
24:09Burn the soldiers.
24:10Not the soldiers as well.
24:12You burnt your guitar.
24:13I want to make a sacrifice too.
24:15Burn the armƩ du nord.
24:16Cast them to the flames.
24:18Let them lay down their lives for the sake of friendship.
24:24What's that smell?
24:26What smell?
24:27I can't smell any smell.
24:30Camphorwood.
24:38Your guitar was made of camphorwood.
24:41It must have been worth a fortune.
24:44Burn the soldiers.
24:45Burn them right now.
24:55No!
24:56There they are!
24:58Bars!
24:59Bars!
25:08Bars!
25:26Au revoir, mes amis.
25:27A bientƓt.
25:30There's something I've got to tell you.
25:32Something awful.
25:34If it's about how you finished off the dog food days,
25:36I understand.
25:37It's not about that.
25:38Hey, hey, hey!
25:41Au revoir!
25:43Crichton!
25:43We made it!
25:44We made it!
25:45Food!
25:45You brought food?
25:47So where have you been over the last few days?
25:49We rendezvoused with Holly.
25:51Then when you didn't show up after two days,
25:53I said we should go and look for you.
25:54Yeah, we've been everywhere.
25:56Fourteen moons, two planets.
25:57I've been so worried,
25:58I haven't buffed my shoes for two days.
26:01So Holly managed to navigate her way through five black holes?
26:04As it transpired, there weren't any black holes.
26:07But you saw them on the monitor.
26:09They weren't black holes.
26:11What were they?
26:12Grit.
26:17Five specks of grit on the scannerscope.
26:20You see, the thing about grit is it's black.
26:23And the thing about the scannerscope...
26:25Oh, shut up!
26:27Let's go.
26:28Something happened here, Crichton.
26:30Something that made him and me closer.
26:33I saw a side of Dave Lister that I never, ever knew existed.
26:37He's not an irresponsible, selfish drifter always out for number one.
26:42He's a man.
26:43A man of honour.
26:47Excuse me.
27:10Open the trunk.
27:25Crichton, get the hacksaw and follow me.
27:28Where are we going?
27:30We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.
27:39It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.
27:43I'm all alone, more or less.
27:46Let me fly, far away from here.
27:50Fun, fun, fun.
27:53In the sun, sun, sun.
27:55I want to lie, shipwrecks and comatose.
28:00Drinking fresh mango juice.
28:03Goldfish shows, nibbling at my toes.
28:07Fun, fun, fun.
28:10In the sun, sun, sun.
28:13Fun, fun, fun.
28:16In the sun, sun, sun.
28:19Fun, fun, mass.
28:23Fun, fun, fun.
28:24Sun, sun, sun.
28:26Sun, sun, sun, sun.
28:27Cool,ęµé Guide to Asana.
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