A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
01:00I know your father and I have been terribly worried about your progress at school.
01:03Yes, Mother.
01:04You just haven't been getting the marks we think you're capable of.
01:08No, Mother.
01:09Well, a few days ago I went to see the headmaster.
01:11He said it might be in your best interest if you were to be kept down a year, if you
01:15were
01:15to stay in Junior D for another year.
01:17Oh.
01:18Is that all you've got to say?
01:20Well, it's quite difficult to talk when you're tied upside down to a tree.
01:25Have you been playing with Howard and Frank?
01:27Yes.
01:28Oh, what on earth were you playing?
01:31Well, I said it was such a shame we haven't got to swing.
01:34Then they said they could make one.
01:36But I didn't realise they was going to make one out of me.
01:41Well, that's not stuff.
01:43Well, anyway, your father had a word with the headmaster and we explained how much we wanted
01:48you to be a test pilot in the Space Corps, like your brother, John, and how this could
01:53damage your chances.
01:54You got this this morning.
01:56You realise how important this is?
01:58This decision could completely alter the whole course of your life.
02:26Oh, welcome home, Ace.
02:28Bless you Spanish old friend.
02:29It's good to be home.
02:30Well, how's your behave?
02:31The light ship?
02:32Like a frolicking filly in a harvest time pasture.
02:34How you and your boys down in engineering got that crate to break the light barrier, I'll
02:38never know.
02:39Well, some people might say it's that devilishly brave and handsome guy in the cockpit that
02:43did it.
02:43Dish per shaw nonsense.
02:45Any old twig can hug the event horizon of a black hole, then loop to loop around a spinning
02:49singularity at twice the speed of light, then slam the engines into reverse and blast out
02:52of an imploding nebula.
02:54It's you and your guys with the magic wrenches down in engineering spanners.
02:57You're the ones who break the records.
02:58You'll be going to this party thing they're thrown for you tonight, I suppose?
03:01Good God, no.
03:02Heroes welcomes with 21 gun salutes in front of the entire admiralty send me to the land
03:06of nod spanners.
03:07I'll be down in the mess for the salt of the earth engineering boys as per usual.
03:11See you there at 1900.
03:12See you later, Ace.
03:16What a guy.
03:19Oh, welcome home, son.
03:22You've been in all our prayers, you know.
03:23Bless you, Padre.
03:25How's little Tommy?
03:26He's pulled through.
03:27Be on his feet in no time, thanks to you.
03:29Sitting by his bedside day after day, night after night, holding his hand, reading him
03:35stories.
03:35You know me, chaplain.
03:37Any old excuse to get out of dinner with the admiral?
03:41Listen, 1900, we're having a bit of a bash down in the mess.
03:43It would mean a lot to me if you were there.
03:45Oh, thank you, son.
03:471900.
03:47Mmm.
03:49What a guy.
03:52Commander Arnold Rimmer reporting for debriefing.
03:54So, you dog, you're back.
03:55Did you ever doubt it when I've got someone like you to come back to?
03:58If only it were true.
03:59What are you doing lunchtime?
04:01Not sure.
04:02Why?
04:03Because if you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
04:08I'm sorry, Mellie.
04:09I don't fraternize with the staff.
04:10I resign.
04:11I'll be there at 1300.
04:14You're back.
04:15Afraid so.
04:17Had the feeling you might be.
04:18Rubber shares went up this morning.
04:22You wanted to see me, Bongo.
04:23Ever heard of a thing called the dimension theory of reality?
04:27Doesn't that run along the lines that there is an infinite number of parallel universes
04:31where every possibility exists?
04:32It's along those lines, yeah.
04:34The basic tenet states that for every decision that's made,
04:37the alternative decision is played out in another reality.
04:40So?
04:41So, the lab boys have come up with a drive that can break the speed of reality.
04:45Those boffins have hammered together a crate that can cross dimensions?
04:49When do I launch?
04:50It's a one-way ticket, Ace.
04:51There's no coming back.
04:52I'm free at 1500.
04:54You do realize this is a prototype.
04:56There's no way of knowing if it'll even get there.
04:58Where's there, exactly?
04:59You'll be transported to an alternative reality.
05:02A reality where there's another Arnold Rimmer.
05:04Some decision was made at some point in your life
05:07where he went one way and you went the other.
05:09You might find he's quite different to you.
05:12Sounds like quite a caper.
05:13You'll do it?
05:15I'm a test pilot in the Space Corps, Bongo.
05:18It's my job to do it.
05:21I know this probably won't interest you, but I'd hate myself for the rest of my life
05:26if I didn't at least suggest it.
05:28Suggest what?
05:29If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in tarama salata.
05:35I didn't know your bread was buttered that side, Bongo.
05:38It isn't it?
05:38It's been happily married for 35 years.
05:40Just a chap like you can turn a guy's head.
05:44I'm sorry, Bongo.
05:45Lunch is on Melly.
05:48Would it make any difference if it was hummus?
05:53I'm sorry, Bongo.
05:55I'm strictly butter side up.
05:57Understood.
06:00What a guy.
06:08Godspeed and bless you, son.
06:09All systems check.
06:11Let's get this kind up into the big black.
06:13Ignition.
06:14Chokes away.
06:15Bye, Bongo.
06:16Bye, Spanners.
06:17Bye, Padre.
06:18Bye, Melly.
06:19Spook me a kipper.
06:20I'll be back for breakfast.
06:23Bye, Ace.
06:53Lights.
06:58What?
06:59What are you doing?
07:00What am I doing?
07:02Yes, what are you doing?
07:03Just nipping down the cinema, catch the midnight movie.
07:08What, dressed like that?
07:09Yeah.
07:10Go on to see Jaws.
07:13You're going fishing, aren't you?
07:15That ocean planet we passed two days ago, you're going fishing without me.
07:19Oh, come on, Fim, man.
07:20Don't be ridiculous.
07:21Hey, what are you doing with the lights on?
07:23Come on, let's get out of here before...
07:26I don't believe it.
07:28All three of you.
07:29What's he talking about?
07:30I don't know.
07:30For some reason, you've got this crazy, whacked out idea that we're all going on a fishing holiday.
07:35A fishing holiday?
07:36Dear Rimmer, we have gone on a fishing holiday.
07:39To the ocean planet we passed two days ago.
07:42We tried to wake you, but couldn't see you in three weeks, L, K and C.
07:45Oh, please, sir.
07:46They forced me to do it.
07:47I had no choice.
07:48Why did you want to go without me?
07:51We didn't want to go without you.
07:52We just thought it wasn't your scene.
07:54I mean, fishing.
07:55Well, it's boring, isn't it?
07:56I love fishing.
07:58The glow of the dawn, the line arcing into the water.
08:01That's it.
08:02That's exactly the reason we didn't invite you.
08:03There's no fish.
08:04That at least is true, sir.
08:05We sent down a search probe and there's no marine life on the entire planet.
08:09We're just going to sit out on Starbuck, dangle the rods over the side and have a few cans, you
08:13know, chill out.
08:14I don't believe anybody who'd want to go on a fishing holiday where they know there's no fish.
08:18We always do it all the time, back home.
08:19Used to go down the canal.
08:21Never any fish in that.
08:22Used to go condom fishing.
08:26I swear, one time I caught this two-pound black-ribbed Nobler.
08:29It was about that, dude.
08:34Why didn't you just say, dear Rimmer, we're going on a fishing holiday and we don't want you to come?
08:39See, that's what I think we should say.
08:42I don't know what it is about me.
08:43All my life, it's been the same old story.
08:45It's not easy, you know, to come in every night, look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.
08:49How do you think we feel?
08:50We've got to look at it all day.
08:54Look, we just thought you wouldn't want to come.
08:57I try to be liked.
08:58God knows I try.
09:00I regaled you with amusing stories of when I was treasurer of the Hammond Organ Owner Society.
09:05You never laugh.
09:09I offer to talk you through my photo collection of 20th century telegraph poles.
09:15You've always got some excuse.
09:17None of you like Morris dancing.
09:20Would that break your hearts every once in a while of four of us getting our knees up in the
09:24air?
09:24The jingle of bells?
09:26The clonk of wood on wood?
09:28But no, every time I suggest it, you all pretend to be ill.
09:31You've got it wrong, man.
09:33We just thought you wouldn't want to come.
09:35Now we know you do great.
09:37You can come.
09:38But what are you going on about?
09:39It's like there's some major conspiracy we've been planning for days we haven't.
09:43Really?
09:44Really.
09:45All right, then I'll come.
09:47I'll just get dressed.
09:47Holly!
09:48Oh, who woke him up?
09:57Steady now, Brighton.
09:58Yes, sir.
09:59Best to get there in one piece than to rush it and cause an accident, eh?
10:02I have passed my test, sir.
10:04I am a fully qualified pilot.
10:06Mind that star?
10:07What?
10:08That star is over two light years away, sir.
10:10We're nowhere near it.
10:11There's no percentage in being a boy racer, Brighton.
10:14Okay, you'll have passed your test.
10:15Mind that planet!
10:16Which planet?
10:17That planet!
10:18That's the planet we're heading to, sir.
10:23Excellent.
10:23Excellent.
10:24Plot an orbital course.
10:25We'll be there in no time.
10:26Yes, sir.
10:27I have done, sir.
10:28Yes, and get the second stage underway.
10:30I already have done, sir.
10:31But you haven't correlated the data with the main computer banks, have you?
10:34Yes, sir.
10:35I have, sir.
10:36You know your trouble, Brighton.
10:38What, sir?
10:39You're a git.
10:41Stupid.
10:42Three weeks stuck with Captain Yarn.
10:45Look, it wasn't my fault.
10:46You could have sweet-talked away out of it if you hadn't have blown the whole gaff.
10:49Me?
10:50What did I do?
10:50You're the one who woke him up.
10:52I could have sweet-talked me away out of it, but, oh, no, you had to come blundering him
10:55with your size 12s.
10:57You are so two-faced.
10:59Why haven't you got the guts just to tell the dude nobody likes him?
11:02Oh, yeah.
11:03Great.
11:03Brilliant.
11:03What am I supposed to say?
11:04Excuse me, ma'am.
11:05Do you know you're about as popular as a horny dog in a Miss Lovely Legs competition?
11:09Well, that's what I'd do.
11:11I'd say, hi, buddy.
11:13How's it going?
11:15I just had to get out of there.
11:17He's driving me nuts.
11:18I cannot stand front seat drivers.
11:22Well, come on.
11:23There's not a lot going on in here.
11:24We're on holiday.
11:25Let's cheer things up a bit.
11:26How about some music?
11:27I've brought my Hammond CDs with me.
11:31How about Reggie Wilson plays the Lyft Music Classics?
11:35What about Sounds of the Supermarket 20 Shopping Grates?
11:39Has anyone seen the keys to the medical cabinet?
11:42I feel a sudden urge to suffocate myself with a two-pound black-ribbed knobbler.
11:48Not Reggie Wilson.
11:49Please, remember.
11:50You don't like Reggie Wilson, what?
11:52Not even Pop Goes Delius or Funking Up Wagner?
11:56I feel something slightly more melodious,
11:58like the long-drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
12:04Come on, you bores.
12:05Let's do something.
12:06How about we all sing some campfire songs?
12:10Kumbaya.
12:13Kumbaya.
12:13Everyone, right?
12:15Kumbaya.
12:16Kumbaya.
12:17Hold on, Frank.
12:18Purple-a.
12:18Purple-a.
12:19What's a purple alert?
12:21Well, it's sort of like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert.
12:24I feel like a mauve alert.
12:26Well, I say mauve.
12:27Wipe the rabid foam from your chin and start again.
12:30There's some sort of disruption to the time fabric continuum.
12:33At least I presume that's what it is.
12:35It's certainly got all the sides.
12:36There's this big wibbly-wobbly-swirly thing, and it's heading straight towards us.
12:40What is it?
12:41I don't know, sir.
12:42Whichever way I manoeuvre, it follows us.
12:44It seems to be locked in on us.
12:46Wait.
12:46There's something coming out of it.
12:48It's going to hit us collision course.
12:50God.
12:53Emergency.
12:54Emergency.
12:54Emergency.
12:55Emergency.
12:55A Dutch crash procedure.
12:56Where's the card?
12:57Who's got the card?
12:58What card?
12:59The plastic card.
12:59The plastic card that we can't do to the crash procedure on it.
13:01Don't panic, man.
13:03It should be in the netting, behind the seats.
13:04Haven't we got to sit behind a woman clutching a baby?
13:07What's the drill?
13:08Look, I know what it is.
13:10What?
13:10Sit down.
13:11Take your head back from your legs and brace yourself.
13:13Now what?
13:14Then you open the InFlight magazine and start reading.
13:19The dooms of the articles act as a sedative.
13:21I mean, look at this contents list.
13:23Soaked and ever cures the night.
13:25Classic wines of Estonia.
13:27Flemish weave in the traditional way.
13:29Don't fight it, man.
13:30Let it take you.
13:32How can you be so mind-bogglingly flippant?
13:34Don't you know what's going to happen?
13:35We're going to crash.
13:36You've got to stay calm.
13:38It's a well-known fact.
13:38The more relaxed you are, the less likely you are to be injured.
13:41Good luck, everybody.
13:42Here it comes.
13:47The ancient Egyptians were greatly using salt.
13:50Where most people think of classic wines,
13:52they are unlikely to consider the Estonian raids.
13:54Yet Estonian grapes are among the fruitiest and most subtle.
13:59Since the beginning of the 13th century,
14:01Belgium has been the home of some of the most remarkable weaving
14:04to come out of North West Europe.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:23Is everyone all right?
14:26Yes, thank God.
14:26I'm fine.
14:28Kat!
14:30It's bad, buddy.
14:32It's real bad.
14:36See what I mean?
14:37It's red with apricot.
14:38I look like a jerk.
14:40I'm bleeding an unfashionable colour.
14:43If I'd known I was going to get my leg crushed,
14:45I'd want white.
14:46It goes with anything.
14:48Is anything broken?
14:49Yeah.
14:50All the stitching's come away and a lining's ripped.
14:53Somebody please get me a tailor.
14:55Try to get the first aid box.
14:57Let's clean this up.
14:59Make sure he doesn't get gangrene.
15:01Gangrene?
15:02You think I might get gangrene?
15:03Yeah.
15:05Hey, that might work.
15:06Green live apricot.
15:07I think I could pull that off.
15:11It's a break, sir.
15:12Quite a bad one.
15:14I'm going to have to snap the bone back into line.
15:17And there's no anaesthetic.
15:18Here, read the In Flight magazine.
15:21Salt.
15:22An epicure's delight.
15:23The salt on a tin.
15:25Oh, my God!
15:27Did it hurt?
15:28No, I'm talking about the article.
15:30Have you done my leg yet?
15:33Holly, what's the damage?
15:34Doesn't look good.
15:36We've lost the port engine.
15:38The starboard engine's packed up.
15:39The fuel line's severed.
15:40We're taking in water through the hull.
15:42We lost the landing jets.
15:43Half the electric's out.
15:44And the elastic's snapped on the furry dice.
15:46What does that mean in real terms?
15:48Well, it means you've got a more tasteful cockpit.
15:52But unless you fix that starboard engine in the next 40 minutes,
15:55we're going to start sinking.
15:57Anything we can do?
15:58We could try and hire a dance band and get it to play Abide With Me.
16:02I'm going to have to go out there and fix the engine.
16:04You don't know anything about engines.
16:06Besides, there's a 14-yard gale out there.
16:08You'd have to be insane to even attempt it.
16:10Only a fool or a hero would even consider it.
16:16Bingo!
16:17Down there.
16:18They've ditched into the drink.
16:19I'm bailing out, computer.
16:20But Ace, it's a suicide mission.
16:22I caused the smash.
16:24Should apologize.
16:24Only manners.
16:25Bring her around for another pass.
16:27Please, Ace, don't go.
16:28I love you.
16:29Step up a motor more, girl.
16:31Smoke me a kipper.
16:32I'll be back for breakfast.
16:46The name's Commander Rimmer.
16:48Arnold Rimmer.
16:49Friends call me Ace.
16:50I've come from another dimension.
16:52Explain later.
16:53But first of all, let's get you out of this picnic.
16:55What do they call you, matey?
16:57Crashen, sir.
16:58Series 4000 Mechanoid, am I right?
17:00Sold to the Space Corps.
17:04Spammers.
17:04Eh?
17:05I'm sorry, you reminded me of a fellow I once knew.
17:07What's your handle?
17:08Lister.
17:09Dave Lister.
17:10Of course it is.
17:11Put it there, Dave.
17:12You look a great bloke to be in a scrape with.
17:14What about the guy in the sharp suit?
17:16He hasn't got a name.
17:17We just call him Cat.
17:17Looks like you bought yourself a broken leg there, Cat.
17:20I love the Cuban heels.
17:22Who's the deeply delicious, stunningly gorgeous computer?
17:25Holly.
17:29My God, it's me.
17:30I'm much more handsome.
17:32Well, looks like I'm superfluous.
17:34Old Arnie will have you out of here in no time.
17:36He's a hologram.
17:37He can't touch anything.
17:38Dead, eh?
17:39Well, commiserations, old man.
17:41What a crushing bore that must be.
17:43You're me?
17:44Don't quite understand the science, but it's got something to do with us living identical lives up until a certain
17:49point.
17:49Where a decision was made, and you went one way, I went the other.
17:54Still, can't hang around here chin-wagging all day.
17:56Let's get this box up into the air, shall we?
17:57What's your plan on?
17:59I haven't got one.
18:03Okay.
18:04Right, well, um...
18:06I suggest this.
18:07The starboard engine is repairable, but it's a two-man job.
18:09Any volunteers?
18:10Yeah, okay.
18:11Count me in.
18:11I've got a window in my schedule this afternoon.
18:13Not so fast, Davey boy.
18:15You leapt in so quick, you didn't give Arnie here a chance to speak.
18:17You was just about a volunteer, weren't you, Arnie?
18:19No, I wasn't.
18:23Okay, well, um, let's get cracking, shall we, Dave?
18:25What's the starboard engine's thrust-to-input ratio on?
18:28What's that?
18:29Well, you can work it out.
18:31What's the craft's inertia rating?
18:33I don't know.
18:34Well, what's the PSI?
18:35I don't know!
18:37Okay, well, we'll work it out when we get there, shall we?
18:40Come on, Dave.
18:41Better grab a brawly.
18:41It's a bit of a drizzle outside.
18:42Sir, can I have a word in private?
18:45Of course, old friend.
18:46Excuse us.
18:55What's the probe, Crutus?
18:57Well, I have a limited understanding of medicine, sir, but it's plainly obvious even to me that
19:01your left arm is broken in several places.
19:04Took a bit of a tumble in the landing.
19:05It's only a scratch.
19:06I cannot allow you to go out in this storm, sir, not with your arm in that condition.
19:09I must insist you allow me to go in your place.
19:12I see.
19:13Well, the series 4,000 isn't waterproof, is it?
19:16Well, that's besides the point, sir.
19:18Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.
19:22Sorry, old chum.
19:23No option.
19:26Arnie, Crichton's taking a bit of a whack.
19:28I want you to re-root his circuitry and bring him back online.
19:30How?
19:32You don't know how to do that?
19:34No.
19:36Come on, Dave.
19:37Let's catch a breath of fresh air.
19:39Smoke me a kipper.
19:41Can you do that?
19:42I'll be back for breakfast.
19:59What's up with the music, Dave?
20:01Dave?
20:02Keep your spirit.
20:05I'm going to sing a song.
20:07I like Rasta Billy Skunk.
20:09Right.
20:11Grab my arm, Dave.
20:13Grab my arm.
20:18Right, I'm going to have to lose something a bit sissy now.
20:22Blackout.
20:26Sorry about that.
20:27Let's get drunk again.
20:29Whether you like Rasta Billy.
20:32Come on, Dave.
20:33Sing that song.
20:35Whether you like Rasta Billy.
20:38Paisley with stripes.
20:41Yeah.
20:43Green anorex with furry collars.
20:46They're great.
20:47Oh, Siri.
20:48He's delirious.
20:49Oh, rubber trousers.
20:52Held down with bicycle clips.
20:54Wow.
20:57Commander Rimmer, I ask you.
21:00Ace.
21:01Barf City.
21:02I bet you anything he wears women's underwear.
21:06They're all the same as type, you know.
21:08Hurly, burly, rough-and-tumble macho marines in public.
21:12And behind closed doors, he'll be parading up and down in taffeta ballgowns, drinking mint
21:17juleps, whipping the houseboy.
21:19Sir, he's you.
21:20It's just that your lives diverged at a certain point in time.
21:23Yes, I went into the gents and he went the other way.
21:26I assume, sir, you are making fatuous references to his sexuality.
21:29If I may just point out...
21:31Yes, we did it!
21:32A wuga, a wuga, a waa, a waa, a waa, a wuga, a waa!
21:36What a team.
21:37How you got that housing clear, I'll never know.
21:39Oh, come on, Ace, it was you.
21:40I could never have reconnected that fuel line.
21:42Well, I wouldn't have been able to do it if you hadn't been holding me by the ankles.
21:45How could you hang upside down and fix the starboard engine?
21:48It was totally brutal.
21:49What a team.
21:50What a team.
21:51Now I know where I've seen you two.
21:52Weren't you the double-action centrefold in July's edition of Big Boys in Boots?
21:57Now, look here, Arnie.
21:58You can say what you like about me, but I won't hear a word against Skipper here.
22:02Skipper?
22:03A man like him deserves a nickname.
22:04I thought Skipper sat rather well.
22:05Ace and Skipper?
22:07You sound like a kid's TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.
22:11Come on, Skipper.
22:13Let's get this tea chest up into the stars and back to the small rouge one, eh?
22:17Yeah, the sooner we get back, the sooner you two can climb into a nice hot soapy bath and play
22:21spot the submarine.
22:24Sir, the cat.
22:25I don't think he's going to last much longer.
22:33Brine nylon underwear.
22:36Sock suspenders.
22:37Suits with cardigans.
22:38Oh, sir, he's delirious.
22:40His leg's all swollen.
22:41I think he may lose it.
22:43Lose his leg?
22:44I fear so.
22:44The operation to save it is beyond my expertise.
22:47Lose my leg?
22:48Hey, that's terrible.
22:50None of my suits will fit.
22:53Brine, on the 500 cc's of corticoadrenaline, two pints of plasma, a laser scalpel, and some kind of tissue sample
23:00of the micro-Bollington will do.
23:01Oh, my God.
23:04Field microsurgery.
23:04All part of basic training in the Space Corps special service.
23:07So, I'll go scrub up.
23:08I'll go and throw up.
23:15How's the cat?
23:16Oh, Ace, did he?
23:18Cat's fine now.
23:19He's just sitting up in bed looking through some swatches.
23:21Trying to find the material he likes for his dressings.
23:25I don't know how ace does he.
23:26He's been on his feet for 36 hours.
23:28He's still laughing and joking.
23:30What a guy.
23:33He's just nipped off to teach crackling to make the piano.
23:35Amazing dude.
23:37So, is it a simple registry office or a full church do for you two?
23:41I don't understand your attitude, Rimmer.
23:43He's you.
23:44He is not me.
23:45I'm me.
23:46He's a me who had all the luck, all the chances, all the breaks that I never got.
23:50No.
23:50It was just a single incident, and your lives went off in completely different directions.
23:54It's incredible to think that one decision in your childhood could produce such drastically different people.
23:59Right.
23:59He probably got to go to some really great school while I was lumbered with IO House.
24:04He got to meet all the right people, greased his way up the old boy network, towel flicked his way
24:09into the Space Corps,
24:11Masonic hand shook his way into flight school, and brown-tongued his way up the ranks.
24:15You think you'd be pleased that somewhere in some other dimension there's another you?
24:19Another you doing really well for himself?
24:21Oh, come on.
24:22How would you feel if some git arrived from another dimension?
24:24Another Lister, with wall-to-wall charisma and a PhD in being handsome and wonderful.
24:30Hey, man, I am that Lister.
24:34No, come on. How would you feel if there was another Lister doing a hell of a lot better than
24:37you are?
24:37There is. Ace knows him.
24:39That's why he called me Spanners when he first came in.
24:41In Ace's dimension, he's a flight engineer in the Space Corps, married to Christine Kachansky, twin boys, Jim and Bexley.
24:47I made up for him.
24:49Whatever he did that I didn't, he deserves the lot.
24:52For me, it kind of makes sense of a load of stuff, to think that in all these dimensions, every
24:55possibility is played out.
24:56Hell, there's probably a really, really weird dimension where you're better looking than me.
25:02Well, it just makes me bitter.
25:04You know I've always had this thing about not getting the breaks.
25:06Well, there's living proof of what I could have achieved if I got the one he got.
25:11Skipper, I've got to move.
25:13Go on. He's probably picked a ring.
25:22Skipper, I've decided I'm not going to stay.
25:24Why?
25:26Him and me, it would never work.
25:28I just can't stand to be near the man.
25:30To see myself so warped, so bitter, so weasley.
25:32The man's a maggot.
25:34Where are you going to go?
25:36Just out there.
25:37I can't go back.
25:38But there's a billion other realities to explore.
25:41A billion other Arnold Rivers to meet.
25:43But maybe somewhere there's one who's more of a pain in the butt than him.
25:46But I doubt it.
25:48Good luck, man.
25:49Don't be too hard on Remy.
25:51You got the break, he didn't.
25:52He's just bitter.
25:53Do you know what that break was?
25:55At the age of seven, one of us was kept back a year.
25:58The other one wasn't.
25:59Put your finger on that, will you, Skipper?
26:02That's the only difference.
26:04Remy went down a year and you stayed up.
26:06No.
26:07I was the one who went down a year.
26:11By his terms,
26:12he got the break.
26:14But being kept down a year made me
26:17the humiliation.
26:18Being the tallest boy in the class by a clear foot.
26:21It changed me.
26:22Made me buckle down.
26:23Made me fight back.
26:26And I've been fighting back ever since.
26:28Well, he spent the rest of his life making excuses.
26:30Maybe he's right.
26:31Maybe I did get the lucky break.
26:34I'll grab my things and be off, Dave.
26:36Smoke me a kipper, Skipper.
26:38I'll be back for breakfast.
26:38Well, I'll be
26:59home first.
27:37It's Wednesday.
27:38It's Amateur Hammond Organ Recital Night.
27:41OK, take it away, Scutters.
28:21OK, take it away.
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