A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:12I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:00I'm clamping on.
01:03Vigil down, radar down, what's happening?
01:05Something's knocked out the entire desk.
01:14What are you looking at me like that for?
01:15You've just unplugged the console.
01:18Right, I'm blow-drying my hair.
01:20We're tracking a UFO.
01:22Oh, you're tracking a UFO, so I have to sit around looking like the Bride of Frankenstein?
01:27Use another socket.
01:29This is beyond belief.
01:31A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit enough plug sockets in the scanning room.
01:34There's plenty of plug sockets in the scanning room, Kat.
01:37They're all taken up with your beauty aids.
01:39Now use a wall socket.
01:41What?
01:42Unplug my hot wax strip unsightly hair remover?
01:45Yes, unplug your hot wax strip unsightly hair remover.
01:49I don't believe this.
01:51We finally get to encounter an alien species and I have to meet them with a wavery bikini line.
01:58It's back bearing zero, nine and zero, it's just 1%.
02:011% quartz, I see it up there, cool.
02:08All right, okay.
02:10I'll use gel.
02:11Everybody happy?
02:13Stabilize, pitch, reduce, corrective.
02:19What the hell is he?
02:20I have no idea, sir.
02:22The craft does not appear to be of Earth construction.
02:25Aliens.
02:26They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
02:29That's what they do.
02:30All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them.
02:33Oh, snag, that's all we need.
02:35Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 65,000.
02:39Right, open communication channels.
02:43We don't want it.
02:44Go away.
02:46You took it.
02:47You can keep the snag.
02:52How deliciously bizarre.
02:54The hull's molecular structure conforms to no known element.
02:58Whoever or whatever made this thing had access to a technology far in advance of our own.
03:03Okay, look, let's split up.
03:05Why?
03:06Why should we split up?
03:07Well, we'll do the sage quicker.
03:08What's the hurry?
03:09Have you got some major luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?
03:12What's your problem?
03:13I'm not teaming up with him.
03:15Me?
03:16What's wrong with me?
03:17You're totally egocentric.
03:19You flee at the first sign of trouble.
03:20You only look after number one.
03:22You're vain.
03:22You're selfish.
03:23You're narcissistic.
03:24And you're self-obsessed.
03:25He just listed all my best features.
03:28I'm going with Crichton.
03:29Come on, Cat.
03:39Uh, Crichton, you take quite.
03:41I've seen those movies.
03:42It's always the guy on the lead who buys it first.
03:43You take the front.
03:44Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience, it's usually the poor fellow
03:48who's bringing up the rear that gets picked off first, so the others aren't aware they're
03:51under attack.
03:52You're right.
03:53You're right.
03:54Can you take the front and the back so I can go in the middle?
03:56I'll do my best, sir.
04:12Go, Crichton.
04:13We found something, sir.
04:16Yeah?
04:16I think it's one of the crew.
04:18The hideously malformed, triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it.
04:23It fell through a rimmer as we opened the lift door.
04:26Is he all right?
04:27I believe he's just discovered what shirt tales are for.
04:31All right, Crichton.
04:32You don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly Gimboy git.
04:35I'm fine now.
04:36So shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
04:40Is that thing still on?
04:42Hey, look at this.
04:43Hey, don't mess around with that, man.
04:44We don't know what it does.
04:45I'm just taking a look.
04:48Cheers, man.
04:48Brilliant.
04:49I'm trapped.
04:50Get me out of this thing.
04:52Be cool.
04:52Stay slinky.
04:53I'm on the case here.
04:54I remember the sequence.
04:56It was red, blue, yellow.
04:58No, blue, yellow, red.
05:04What the smag is that?
05:07Curious.
05:08The skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
05:11He's got three heads.
05:13Wait.
05:15Here's some kind of wallet.
05:16Oh, the artifacts are human.
05:18A pilot's license, ID, even a video club card.
05:21Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognize
05:25him?
05:26He's got six eyes and three noses.
05:28If it were me, I'd remember him.
05:30Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed and caused a monsoon?
05:34I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened here.
05:37Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
05:41Language trace completed.
05:42Dialect English colloquial construction 23rd century.
05:46Look, do nothing.
05:47Press nothing.
05:48Just go and get Crichton.
05:49Wait.
05:49I think I got it.
05:51Transmogrification sequence initiated.
05:55Maybe not.
05:57Transmogriff for what?
05:58Gene sample accepted and cloned.
06:00Please key a new genetic structure.
06:02Do nothing.
06:04Press nothing.
06:05Get Crichton.
06:07Hey, you think I can't handle this on my own?
06:09I have to rush off and get novelty.
06:11Calm down my head to bail you out.
06:13I got you into this.
06:14I'll get you out.
06:15Get Crichton.
06:17Relax, would you?
06:18I know what I'm doing.
06:19New genetic structure accepted.
06:23Metamorphosis in 10 seconds and counting.
06:28I got a good idea.
06:29Why don't I go and get Crichton?
06:31Look, forget Crichton.
06:32Just press the pads.
06:33Any pads, stop this.
06:35Sequence complete.
06:47Are you okay?
06:48We detected a massive power surge in this sector.
06:51Where's Lister?
06:54That's Lister.
06:56What can I say except...
06:58Whoops.
07:00What is it?
07:01Best guess?
07:02Some kind of DNA modifier designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.
07:06This would explain our triple-headed friend back there.
07:09So what does it do?
07:11Every single cell in your body contains DNA, which is a series of genetic instructions telling
07:16your body how to grow.
07:17It's like a small computer program that chooses the color of your eyes, tells your nose what
07:22shape to be, designates your sex, your height, everything, even your lifespan.
07:25This machine simply rewrites the DNA program.
07:29So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing by altering its
07:34molecular structure?
07:35Precisely.
07:36It turned Lister into a chicken.
07:38So it seems.
07:40The question is, can we turn him back again?
07:42The question is, do we want to?
07:45Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form.
07:48It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.
07:51Listy!
07:54It's incredible.
07:55It really is him.
07:56Look, it's even got his little beer gut.
07:59Hmm.
08:00Seems a fairly straightforward hexidecimal layout.
08:03Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
08:09That's not it, is it?
08:11Let's start from the top.
08:13What happened here, exactly?
08:15I was pressing the pads.
08:16I definitely pressed the yellow one first.
08:19And then this thing came down.
08:20So I'm standing here, pressing the buttons, and then this voice says,
08:25Transmogrification sequence is engaged.
08:27Right!
08:28So I pressed some more buttons, and then it says,
08:30Please key in your genetic structure.
08:33That's it, exactly.
08:34Can't stop.
08:35There is no need to engage your panic chip, sir.
08:37The machine can only operate on organic life.
08:40I am mineral and therefore immune.
08:42New genetic structure accepted.
08:44Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
08:47Oh, wait a minute.
08:48No.
08:49My brain is part organic.
08:51And therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition.
08:56Engage panic circuits.
08:57Panic circuits engaged.
08:59Yoo-hoo!
09:06Are you okay?
09:08Yeah, I think so.
09:10What was it like being a hamster?
09:12I was better than being a chicken.
09:13I mean, you're seeing the size of an egg.
09:15You're seeing the size of a chicken's bum.
09:17That's all the cooking was about.
09:19I was trying to say, in chicken talk, for God's sake, give me an epidural.
09:25Let's get frightened back.
09:26Press what you press for Lister.
09:33My heavens.
09:35I'm human.
09:38Yeah, but you lost your looks.
09:44I'm human.
09:45My greatest dream come true.
09:46For the first time in my life, I can experience real feelings.
09:49I'm experiencing one now.
09:50I'm in happiness mode.
09:52I've never experienced anything like it before.
09:54Oh, except for that one time when I accidentally welded my groinal socket to a front-loading washing machine.
10:00I'm alive!
10:10How's he doing, Hull?
10:12Physically, he's fine.
10:13He's got the body of a perfectly normal 30-year-old human male.
10:16Apparently.
10:19Is he all right?
10:20Well, it'll take a little while to adjust.
10:22Everything's a bit new.
10:26Thanks, Hull in!
10:27Greetings, fellow human.
10:30Breakfast, my very first meal.
10:32Boiled chicken ovulations.
10:34Delicious.
10:35Fake open, man.
10:37Any problems?
10:37Well, just one or two.
10:39In fact, I've compiled a little list, if you'll indulge me.
10:42Now then, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
10:47No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
10:49Well, then how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
10:54Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
10:58I see.
11:00Move your head closer to the object.
11:04All right, okay.
11:05Well, what about other optical effects like split-screen, slow-motion, quantel?
11:11No, we don't have them.
11:12You don't have them?
11:13Just the zoom?
11:16Well, no, that's fine.
11:17That's great.
11:17No, that's really great.
11:19That's great.
11:19Now, then, my nipples don't work.
11:24In what way don't work?
11:26Well, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple nut was used to regulate body temperature,
11:31while the left nipple nut was used mainly to pick up short-wave radio transmissions.
11:36Now, what I'm saying is no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can seem to pick up jazz FM.
11:43Human nipples don't do that quite.
11:45I see.
11:46Fine.
11:47Ah, now, recharging.
11:48Now, I presume that when a human wants to recharge, they do it much the same way mechanoids do.
11:53Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket,
11:56but for some strange reason, it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.
12:04Now, do I have to use some kind of special adapter?
12:06Because no matter what I do, the lead just keeps falling out.
12:13Right?
12:14We eat and sleep.
12:16That's our way of recharging.
12:18Ah.
12:18Hmm.
12:18Ah, yes.
12:19Now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
12:22Something about, um, well, something I know that we humans get a little embarrassed about.
12:26It's a bit of a taboo subject,
12:27not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
12:31Crichton, I'm an enlightened 23rd century guy.
12:34Spit it out, man.
12:35Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
12:45I knew it.
12:45You've gone straight into smirk mode.
12:49Aren't we both two human adults?
12:51Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
12:55Yeah, of course we can.
13:04Well?
13:06Well, well, what?
13:07Well, what do you think?
13:08I'm not quite with you here, Crichton.
13:10What am I supposed to say?
13:11I want to know, is that normal?
13:13What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
13:17No, it's not.
13:19Well, yes, but is it supposed to look like that?
13:23Well, yeah.
13:24But it's hideous.
13:27That's the best design they could come up with?
13:29Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said,
13:32Ah, there, that's it.
13:33That's the shape we're looking for.
13:35The last chicken in the shop look.
13:38Shakespeare had one.
13:39Einstein.
13:41Perry Como sang,
13:42Memories are made of this with one of those stashed in his slacks.
13:46Well, yeah.
13:47No wonder humans don't have a zoo mode.
13:51Now, take a look at this.
13:55And this.
14:03Now, why do you suppose that happened?
14:08What were you thinking of at the time?
14:12Well, nothing in particular, sir.
14:14I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue.
14:18I came across the section on super deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical
14:25bank.
14:27You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.
14:32You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
14:36It was a triple bag, easy glide vac with turbo suction and a self-emptying dust bag.
14:43I don't care what model it was.
14:45No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double Polaroid.
14:51Do yourself a favour, man. Change back.
14:54Back? Become one of those poor, sappy, sad act mechanoids again?
14:57This is my dream.
14:59Hey, listen, listen. I've got a joke for you.
15:01Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a light bulb?
15:04I don't know.
15:05Twelve. And you know why?
15:07Why?
15:08Because they're so stupid.
15:11Isn't that the greatest joke?
15:13I've got another one.
15:14Ever heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?
15:31Man, this is a totally whacked out idea.
15:33It's never going to work.
15:35That DNA machine can do anything.
15:37Why shouldn't it work?
15:38The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
15:40You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
15:44Why not?
15:45Dandruff has DNA in it.
15:46That machine has a clone facility.
15:48But a man made from dandruff?
15:50That's never going to work.
15:51The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
15:55I won't be made of dandruff.
15:57My body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
16:01How's Cretan?
16:02Confused.
16:03If they ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is decline, politely.
16:09I bet he can't believe his luck.
16:11He's reached the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain.
16:13He's a human.
16:14What's so big about being human?
16:17Listie, don't knock it till you've tried it.
16:21Just don't trust that machine, man.
16:23Look, I know it's old-fashioned, but I'm from the school of belief
16:25if God had intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control.
16:30Look, that machine might have been to cure diseases and stuff.
16:33But you shouldn't use the change of into what you're not.
16:35You are what you are.
16:37Wasn't it Descartes who said, I am what I am?
16:41No, it was Popeye the Sailor, man.
16:44Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.
16:47And I think what he was trying to say was, you've got to stay true to what you are.
16:51Oh, here we go.
16:52Typical knee-jerk techno-feary action.
16:55That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind has ever made.
17:00Greater than fire.
17:02Greater than the wheel.
17:03What about the dude with three heads?
17:04What happened to him?
17:05Well, he abused it.
17:07You're right, yeah.
17:07Someone always does.
17:09Are you too seriously suggesting you're not going to use it?
17:11There's nothing about your bodies you'd like to improve?
17:14Me?
17:15Are you serious?
17:17Most people leave their bodies to medical science.
17:20I'm leaving mine to deliver, babe.
17:23I mean, at some point in their lives, most people wish they were someone else.
17:26This has gone back years, years before the accident.
17:29Kachansky had just finished with me and I was feeling really pony.
17:32Saw him for a walk in the botanical gardens and I saw this squirrel climbing up and down a tree
17:36collecting nuts.
17:37And it stopped and it looked at me and I thought, you lucky little sod.
17:42You like your job.
17:43You're your own boss and you've got no woman's rubble.
17:45So you'll never feel as bad as I feel now.
17:48And at that moment, for a split second, I would have given anything, anything to swap places with him.
17:53Ah, it's awful, man.
17:55When a woman screws you up so bad, you want to become a squirrel.
18:00It just made me think that a lot of the time, being human isn't much fun.
18:03So, Lister, what are you telling us?
18:04You're a closet squirrel?
18:07Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself Nutkin?
18:12What I'm telling you, Rimmer, is that being human sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.
18:17And if Crichton thinks it's going to solve all his problems, then he's in for a major.
18:21I repeat, major disappointments.
18:26Achoo!
18:35The most wonderful thing has happened.
18:37We found this machine and it's made me human.
18:40You're a human now?
18:42That's right, Sparehead One.
18:43Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true.
18:46What's it like?
18:47It's indescribable, Sparehead Two.
18:49True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, and there's no zoom.
18:54The nipples don't work, and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like
18:59fruit machines.
19:00But that apart, it's all going well.
19:02What about us?
19:03It was my turn to be main head next month.
19:05Well, obviously, that's no longer possible.
19:07Aren't you happy for me?
19:09I'm not a mechanoid.
19:10I'm not second class anymore.
19:11What about Sparehead Three?
19:13You can't just leave him here.
19:14He's got droid rot.
19:16I don't need no booger to look after me.
19:18I may be half run with silicon visits.
19:19My voice units may be shocked to booger it, but I don't need sympathy from the likes of him.
19:24Well, I'll still come and visit.
19:25I won't forget you.
19:26Where have you been for the past four days?
19:28Hey, I've been busy.
19:30Aye, busy swanking around with his new central nervous system, his poncy new eight valve heart laddie downing with all
19:36his fancy new human friends.
19:38Oh, Sparehead Three, what do you know about anything?
19:40Oh, I'll get him ordering his own heads around.
19:44I may be 30,000 years old, and me circuit boards may have gone bandy, but I'll tell you this
19:49for nought.
19:49You came into this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid you'll always be.
19:54I don't have to take this from you.
19:55I'm a human.
19:56Shut your stupid flat head.
19:59Crichton, I don't believe you just said that.
20:02I don't even know why I came here.
20:04What a waste of time.
20:05I think you should leave now, Crichton.
20:07There's nothing more to say.
20:09Aye, sling your bloody...
20:10Go on, clear off.
20:12And what about you, Sparehand One?
20:14How do you feel?
20:20Greetings, fellow human.
20:22Oh, fellow human.
20:23How hollow those words sound now.
20:25What's eating you, man?
20:27Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions.
20:30One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable.
20:32What's wrong with me?
20:33I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.
20:38The depression's there for a reason.
20:40It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.
20:42Wrong?
20:43What could be wrong?
20:43I've got everything I want.
20:45Oh, yeah?
20:46No, I've done the most terrible thing.
20:48I've hurt my own kind.
20:50I've made fun of those closest to me.
20:52I've been a complete and total Polaroid head.
20:55You've had your head up your recharge socket.
20:59Agreed.
21:00And you've known all along.
21:01Yeah, well...
21:03I did something similar once.
21:05Sold out.
21:07You sold out?
21:09Yeah.
21:11Look, this is between me and you, okay, Crichton?
21:13Mm-hmm.
21:15Once, many years ago, I went into a wine bar.
21:23That's it?
21:24You went into a wine bar?
21:25Okay, keep it down.
21:26Keep it down.
21:27Don't want the whole world to know.
21:29Well, what's so bad about going into a WB?
21:33It means I was a class traitor.
21:36I could have been on that slippery slope,
21:38hankering after pine kitchens,
21:40sleeping on futons,
21:41eating tapas.
21:43Who knows where it could have led?
21:44I could have started having relationships with people
21:46instead of going out with them.
21:48Got married.
21:49Got on the property ladder.
21:51God almighty, who knows where it could have ended?
21:54Next thing you know,
21:55I'm playing squash every Tuesday night
21:56with a bloke called Gerald.
21:59A lucky escape, man.
22:00A lucky escape.
22:02I've been thinking, sir,
22:03I want to be a mechanoid again.
22:05It's what I always have been,
22:06what I always will be.
22:07And no bad thing.
22:09Let's do it.
22:11Right, and there was a cartoon character
22:13once called Popeye.
22:14He said a really profound thing.
22:15What did he say?
22:16He said, I am what I am.
22:19Are you sure?
22:20I always thought that was Descartes.
22:21So did I, man.
22:23It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.
22:29What do you reckon, Hol?
22:31I reckon I got it sussed.
22:32I reckon we should try it first.
22:34What with?
22:35Well, just need anything organic.
22:37Hey, don't look at me.
22:38I'm not looking at you.
22:39I'm looking at that foil container.
22:40Mr's curry.
22:41It's dead.
22:42It's organic.
22:43If we can change a mutton vindaloo
22:45into a chicken vindaloo,
22:46we'll know it's safe for Creighton.
22:48Nice idea, go post-head.
22:50Let's try it.
22:52I was enjoying that.
22:57Gene sample accepted and cloned.
23:00Metamorphosis in progress.
23:11Smeg, is he?
23:13What have we created?
23:15We've created the mutton vindaloo beast.
23:17Half man, half extra Indian curry.
23:21OK, you go.
23:23I'll cover you.
23:24Seriously?
23:25No.
23:34I don't believe I'm running away
23:36from a psychopathic curried man.
23:39Is he still following us?
23:41Can't you smell it?
23:42He's right behind us.
23:49Remember last Easter 12 months
23:50goes to the day?
23:51The polymorph?
23:51That's right.
23:52You were attacked
23:52by a killer's charming kebab.
23:54How can the same smeg
23:55happen to the same guy twice?
23:57Left time it was our dove.
23:59This time it's lunch.
24:01Keep turning death
24:02and kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast.
24:04Twice!
24:09Go back to the mirror.
24:10The DNA spit.
24:11I've got an idea.
24:12Yeah.
24:15Yeah.
24:15Yeah.
24:16Yeah.
24:22Holly, I'm only going to ask you this to once
24:24and I want the truth.
24:25Can you make this machine work
24:26without any mistakes?
24:28Yeah.
24:28I know what I did wrong last time.
24:30It's a mistake
24:31any deranged half-witted computer
24:32could have made.
24:33Look, I can do it.
24:34Give me a chance.
24:35Holly, that creature's
24:36virtually indestructible.
24:38There's only one way to beat it.
24:41Termians were superhuman.
24:43Man plus.
24:44Are you totally insane?
24:46You're going to let
24:47that fruit bat of a computer
24:48diddle with your DNA?
24:50You got a better plan?
24:52Maybe some Indian restaurant music
24:54will mollify it.
24:55Or perhaps we can make
24:56a surrender flag
24:57out of flop wallpaper.
24:59Do you realise
25:00the charm thing's
25:01going to be through that door
25:02in a minute now?
25:03Right.
25:04So let's do it.
25:05Transmoglification
25:06seeking initiated.
25:12Metamorphosis complete.
25:16Should it work?
25:20Kind of.
25:21What do you mean?
25:22Kind of.
25:23I mean kind of.
25:30Well, getting better.
25:31What now?
25:32We ain't got time
25:33to change him back.
25:34Let's scoot.
25:35Come on, Stumpy.
25:38Wait for me!
25:46I can't keep up.
25:48I'm not kidding.
26:14I can't keep up.
26:17the Vindaloo.
26:41Has anyone got a poppadon the size of Lake Michigan?
26:44I thought she was really good.
26:48This guy's pure class.
27:29I thought she was really good.
27:44I thought she was really good.
27:44I thought she was really good.
27:48I thought she was really good.
27:50I thought she was really good.
27:50I thought she was really good.
Comments