A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Thank you very much.
00:46How are you feeling, Mr. Lister?
00:48Oh, much better, thanks, Crichton.
00:52Much, much better.
00:54Well, you certainly look better.
00:56Far better.
00:57I can't believe how much the swelling's gone down overnight.
01:01What do you reckon?
01:02Oh, definitely was almost interfering with the ceiling fan yesterday.
01:06You're nearly back to your old self.
01:08In fact, you can hardly tell you've got space mumps at all.
01:11So when can I have a mirror?
01:12I don't think we're quite ready for a mirror just yet, sir.
01:15Let's take it one step at a time, shall we?
01:18Oh, there, what did I tell you?
01:20It's gone down eight inches overnight.
01:22You'll be up and about in no time.
01:24I don't know what I'd have done without you these last three weeks, Crichton.
01:28You're like Florence Knight and droid.
01:31Shall you bring my breakfast?
01:32Yes, sir.
01:33Hot lager with croutons.
01:35Just the way you'd ask.
01:36Well, you certainly find out who your mates are when you've got an unsightly disfiguring ailment.
01:41Oh, I wouldn't say unsightly, sir.
01:43Oh, get out of time, Crichton.
01:45I've got a head like a hot air balloon.
01:47I like the human light bulb.
01:48And how many times have they visited me?
01:51How many times have they dropped by with a word of comfort or a bunch of grapes?
01:55Well, it's just not been possible, sir.
01:56Mr. Rimmer's been on vacation.
01:58Vacation?
01:59The world's most charismatic man.
02:01Where did he go?
02:02He's been on a rambling holiday through the diesel decks, sir.
02:05Ten-day hike through the ship's combustion engines with two of the scutters.
02:09He said he'd pop by later and show you the slides.
02:12He didn't, did he?
02:13Well, he's been loading the projection carousel for 24 hours now, sir.
02:17Have you got to stop him?
02:18A slideshow, the diesel decks?
02:21That could really finish me off.
02:23I would have thought the cat would have dropped in, though.
02:25He's been a bit preoccupied of late, but with all this pod business.
02:29Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank.
02:32I wasn't supposed to mention that.
02:34What pod?
02:35Oh, now, you're not well, sir.
02:37Now, just forget I mentioned it.
02:38Come on, Crichton.
02:40What pod?
02:40Oh, yesterday evening, we came across an escape pod floating in the local asteroid belt.
02:45It contains the survivor of some space crash, apparently cryogenically frozen.
02:49Oh, yeah?
02:50All these signs are she's in a suitable condition for revival.
02:54She?
02:54As far as we can tell, she's a she, yes.
02:57It's just great, isn't it?
02:59It's just typical.
03:00The first female company in three million years,
03:03and it'll look like something that belongs up a whale's nose.
03:08You can't get up, sir.
03:09What are you doing?
03:10What do you think I'm doing?
03:11There's a woman on board.
03:13I'm on my cock.
03:16So, who is she, Hodge?
03:18Says on the pod, Barbara Bellini.
03:20Barbara Bellini?
03:21What a beautiful name.
03:23It's no justice.
03:24How could this happen to me?
03:27Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
03:30Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.
03:34Well, thanks for visiting me, man.
03:36Thanks a lot.
03:37Look at you.
03:38You know what you look like?
03:39It's nauseating.
03:40You could go double dating with the elephant man,
03:42and he would be the looker.
03:46Why isn't this activated?
03:47What?
03:48How come no one started up the Thor process?
03:50I thought Elphabed Head did it.
03:52So, who is she, man?
03:53Where's she from?
03:54Who cares?
03:55At last.
03:56A date.
03:57Who says she's going to be interested in you?
03:59I see what you're saying.
04:01All this time alone in deep space could have driven her insane, right?
04:04No.
04:04Say she's just an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.
04:08I'd have heard about her.
04:09She'd have appeared in Ripley's, believe it or not.
04:11Say she's interested in somebody else.
04:13Like who?
04:14I don't know.
04:16Like, well, like me.
04:18You've got a head like a watermelon.
04:20What you gonna do?
04:21Paint it with yellow and black stripes
04:22and tell her you play quarterback with the Bengals?
04:25You think you're a little bit cocky
04:27for a guy who's never actually met a real woman before?
04:29I've seen mirrors.
04:30I have eyes.
04:31Let's face it, buddy.
04:32I have a body that makes men wet.
04:36Have you ever heard of an animal called an Iranian gerd?
04:39No.
04:39It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
04:43So, that's me in slow-mo.
04:46Put a blackened deck of drill on the end
04:47and I can make it through walls, boy!
04:53Listie, what are you doing up?
04:55Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse
04:56with the rest of the cantaloupes?
04:59Who started the RP?
05:01He didn't.
05:02You simple-minded gim boy.
05:04Didn't I tell you to leave this to me?
05:05Look, what's the problem?
05:07She's in there.
05:07Let's get her out.
05:08The problem, pussycat Willem,
05:11is this capsule was ejected from a prison ship.
05:14A prison ship on which the convicts mutinied.
05:16There was a pitched battle with only two survivors.
05:19One prisoner, one guard.
05:21The erstwhile Miss Bellini.
05:22One of those two got into this pod and escaped.
05:25But, of course, you'll know all of this
05:27having familiarised yourself thoroughly
05:28with a black box recording.
05:30So, if it's not Bellini in there, then who is it?
05:33One of the prisoners.
05:34And considering that ship
05:36was transporting 40 psychotic,
05:38half-crazed, mass-murdering,
05:40super-strong androids,
05:41we thought it prudent to find out
05:43who the smeg was in there
05:44before we woke them up.
05:45With respect, sir,
05:46they're not androids,
05:47they're simulants.
05:48What's the difference?
05:49Well, the basic difference is
05:51that an android would never
05:52rip off a human's head
05:53and spit down his neck.
05:55Can you stop, Paul?
05:57What?
05:57Oh, no.
05:59One-way process.
06:01Well, can't we find out
06:02who's in there by x-raying the pod?
06:04No.
06:04Lead lining.
06:05Has to survive in space, doesn't it?
06:07Well, there must be some way of finding out.
06:10Well, there is.
06:10All we have to do
06:11is hang around here for 24 hours.
06:14Then, if you find your limbs
06:15scattered around deep space
06:16and your neck full of saliva,
06:17you take it as red.
06:18It probably wasn't bad.
06:21Why don't we tune up
06:22with bazookoids,
06:23wait for the pod to open,
06:24and if it's one of these
06:25bad-ass android dudes,
06:27let it eat laser.
06:28A simulants are virtually indestructible, sir.
06:30It could easily withstand
06:32a volley of bazookoid
06:33fire at close range
06:34with only minimal damage.
06:35It would certainly survive long enough
06:37to make balloon animals
06:38out of your lower intestines.
06:40Well, I see no other option.
06:41Let's blast it back into space.
06:43Hang on.
06:44Say it isn't the simulant.
06:46You can't just shoot
06:47an innocent woman into space.
06:49What a dilemma.
06:51Inside this pod
06:52is either death
06:53or a date.
06:55Personally,
06:55I'm prepared
06:56to take the risk.
06:58Meanwhile,
06:58the pod is defrosting
06:59and we still haven't decided
07:01what to do.
07:01Holly, any ideas?
07:03Right, here's a possibility.
07:04The black box
07:05contains the coordinates
07:06of the penal colony
07:07the prison ship
07:08was heading for.
07:08So?
07:10Well, there's bound to be
07:11facilities there
07:11to contain any hostile life for.
07:13If it turns out
07:14to be Bellini,
07:15we release her.
07:16If it's the simulant,
07:17we can bung him in a cell
07:18and leave him to rot.
07:19If the colony's still there
07:21and if it's still operational.
07:23There's an old android saying
07:24which I believe
07:25has particular relevance here.
07:27Goes like this.
07:27If you don't go sub
07:29a program loop,
07:29you'll never get a subroutine.
07:31Yeah, we have a human expression
07:32which is pretty similar.
07:34Nothing ventured,
07:34nothing gained.
07:35Oh, no,
07:36I think the android one
07:37is punchier.
07:42Do you have to sit up here?
07:44It's warmer in the front.
07:45It helps my gunge.
07:46I can't see anything here.
07:47It keeps getting away
07:48at the mirror.
07:49It keeps getting away
07:51at the windscreen.
07:52Next.
07:53Ah, now this one.
07:54We reach this beauty
07:55on the evening
07:56of the fourth day.
07:57The Cameron Mackintosh
07:5940-valve air-cooled diesel,
08:01the 184.
08:02Almost identical
08:03to the 179,
08:05but have you noticed
08:05the difference?
08:06See the refinement
08:07in the funnel edgings?
08:11I thought we're never
08:12going to get another chance
08:13to see one of these,
08:14so we bivouacked down
08:15for the night
08:15under the fuel pump.
08:16There's a funny story
08:17about that,
08:18which I'll tell you later.
08:19But we're not going to get
08:20to any of the class fives
08:20unless we push along.
08:22Next.
08:24Ah, another thing.
08:25Sir, could we take
08:26a break for a while?
08:27It appears my
08:28intelligence circuits
08:29have melted.
08:32Well, we're not going to
08:33get through them all,
08:33Crichton,
08:34if we take a second break.
08:35Sir, that's a gamble
08:36I'm willing to take.
08:38Now, the class 40s,
08:40the first twin...
08:42Oh, my God.
08:48His head burns.
08:54That's better.
08:55That is so much better.
08:57I feel good.
08:58Talk about a weight
08:59off your mind.
09:01I don't want to live.
09:04Now, please,
09:05shoot me in the head.
09:10Sit down there, Hoth.
09:11No life forms,
09:13not according to the heat scan.
09:14Any mechanical intelligence?
09:16Yeah.
09:16The mainframe's
09:17still operational.
09:18Just initiate an interface.
09:20Hang about.
09:21Here we go.
09:21Getting a message.
09:23Welcome to Justice World.
09:26Please take your clearance code
09:27and a prison officer
09:28identified.
09:29We're not a prison ship.
09:30We don't have a clearance code.
09:31We just want to use
09:32your facilities.
09:33State life form,
09:34infantry.
09:35Four.
09:36One hologram,
09:37one mechanoid,
09:37two humanoid.
09:39Transfer should never come
09:40to my jurisdiction.
09:41Okay, guys.
09:43On landing,
09:44please disembark
09:45and proceed
09:45through the neutral area
09:47to the clearance zone.
09:57Until you are
09:58granted a clearance code,
09:59please observe
10:00all security requirements.
10:03Your party will be met
10:04by a consignment
10:05of escort boots.
10:10Please step
10:11into the boots.
10:17I'm supposed to wear these?
10:19These look like
10:20Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.
10:22Haven't you got anything
10:23with a Cuban heel
10:24or a crepe sole?
10:26I can't wear these.
10:27I'm a hologram.
10:28That has been
10:29accounted for.
10:34Now what?
10:47What's this?
10:48Oh, relax, sir.
10:49It's just a mind probe.
10:56what's a mind probe the computer was just searching our minds presumably for any evidence
11:00of criminal activity sir what do you mean criminal activity well i wouldn't worry about it sir it's
11:07just a routine clearance procedure yeah yeah but when you say criminal activity what do you mean
11:11by criminal activity i mean how criminal do you mean by criminal what are you bleeding all about
11:15this don't just define criminal activity for me that's all well imagine a situation where someone
11:20had committed a crime and concealed it from the law the mind probe would be able to uncover that crime
11:25and sentence that person accordingly why did no one tell me this before i put the smeg and boots on
11:30uh listy listy is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers
11:36or do i detect you're a tad concerned well come on guys everyone's done something in their past
11:41that's been a little bit illegal no i haven't i've never seen much as got a parking ticket
11:45oh smacking it so what did you do well like scrumping when i was a kid back in liverpool we
11:50used to always go scrumping oh stealing apples that's hardly a crime sir but me and my mates we
11:55used to go scrumping for cars did you get caught all the time i was stupid oh well there's no
12:01problem
12:01then you've already served your punishment yeah there was other things as a kid though things i
12:04didn't get caught before like what well it was this one time at this hotel oh lots of people take
12:10towels from a hotel sir i took the bed i was renting this flat you see it was unfinished you
12:17mean to say you went to a hotel and stole the bed stole the entire room absolutely despicable you're a
12:23common thief not making excuses but everyone was doing it i wasn't strong enough to go against the
12:28flow i would not like to be in your boots right now buddy why what do you think's gonna happen
12:33to me
12:33oh don't worry about it sir i'm sure they're not going to be interested in some minor misdemeanor you
12:38committed as an adolescent over three million years ago seriously crichton do you reckon boy i'm really
12:43getting the hang of this lie mode that was totally convincing wasn't it
12:50the metaloid python clearance granted you may go freely about the complex
13:04the creature known as cat clearance granted
13:10hey i hear they do good bread and water here buddy
13:14the human known as lister despite a number of petty criminal acts clearance granted
13:29the hologram known as rumor guilty of second degree murder 1167 counts
13:40no there must be some mistake surely each count carries a statutory penalty of eight years penal
13:46servitude in the light of your hologrammatic status these sentences are to be served consecutively
13:53making a total sentence of nine thousand three hundred and twenty eight years
14:00i've never so much as returned a library book late second degree murder a thousand people
14:05i would have remembered your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate
14:13resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the jupiter mining corporation vessel
14:18the red dwarf oh that
14:23sentence will commence immediately
14:28you are an unlikely thing with a mutual of the air and an enemy with a justice server
14:32at this point it is impossible to commit any act of injustice
14:39help
14:44hi killer
14:47nine thousand years nine i brought you a book
14:52oh thanks that'll really help the centuries fly past
14:55don't panic man we're going to get you out of here
14:58why bother i'll be up for parole in another couple of ice ages
15:01look right and reckons you've got the right of appeal he's trying to put a case together right now
15:05this isn't a bad place for a prison how come there's no locks or bars or guards or anything
15:10there doesn't need to be the whole prison complex is covered by something called the justice field
15:15i have to sit through this tedious lecture
15:17apparently it's physically impossible to commit any sort of crime here
15:20what do you mean just try and commit a crime you'll see
15:24well like what i don't know anything arson try and set fire to those sheets
15:30okay go on try it
15:35whatever crime you try and commit the consequences happen to you
15:40smack it out
15:46nice example isn't it nice example you couldn't just explain that to me verbally
15:53it's the same with stealing same with everything right i'm with you so if you nick something something
15:58of yours goes missing yet right try it
16:04no
16:05you see it's the perfect system it forces the inmates to adhere to the law once they get out
16:10it's become second nature good news the justice computer has sanctioned a retrial
16:15i think we have a very strong case you do it's simply a question of differentiating between guilt and
16:21culpability sir what the mind probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident in a way
16:27you tried and convicted yourself i simply have to establish that you are a neurotic underachieving
16:32emotional retard whose whose ambition far outstrips his minuscule ability and consequently blames
16:39himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible you're going to
16:43prove that i was innocent of negligence on the grounds that i'm a half-witted incompetent man there
16:48ain't a jury in the land wouldn't buy a plea like that well no not a half-wit exactly um
16:54more a buffoon
16:55but how would you begin to build such a case where would you conjure up the evidence sir providing i
17:00can have complete free access to your personal data files i think i could come up with the outline of
17:04a
17:05winning case by lunchtime the mind probe was created to detect guilt yet in the case of arnold judas rimmer
17:16the guilt it detected attaches to no crime he held a position of little or no importance on red dwarf
17:24he was a lowly grease monkey a zero a nothing a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl
17:31yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of underachievement his absurdly inflated ego would
17:38never permit it he's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the
17:44corporation so when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident arnold rimmer accepted the blame
17:51it was his ship ergo his fault i asked the court look at this man this man who sat and
17:59failed his
18:00astro navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions this sad man this pathetic man this joke of a man
18:09right now going over the top the court will never buy it sir trust me my whole case hinges on
18:14proving
18:14you're a dork understood i call my first witness
18:26name dave lister occupation
18:35boom would you describe the accused as a friend take the fifth now please answer the question remember
18:42you are under polygraphic surveillance would you describe the accused as a friend no i'd describe
18:47the accused as a git who would you say then is the person who thinks of him most fondly
18:54i do and are there no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him only one but she's got a
18:59puncture
19:05so you wouldn't describe him as a man with a good social life no he parted less than rudolph hess
19:12he was totally dedicated to his career he was in charge of zed shift you see and it occupied his
19:17every waking moment and what was zed shift's most important duty well we had a lot of important
19:22duties on the ship but i guess our most vital responsibility was making sure the vending
19:27machines didn't run out of front size crunchy bars can you ever envisage a situation where the lack of
19:34honeycomb centered chocolate bars might be the direct cause of a lethal radiation leak
19:40not off the top of my head no uh you may sit down i asked the court one key question
19:49would the
19:50space corps ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the
19:56entire crew a man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his
20:04ship issue condoms a man of such awesome stupidity objection objection overrule a man of such awesome
20:14stupidity he even objects to his own defense council an overzealous trumped up little squirt objection
20:21overrule an incompetent vending machine repairman with a napoleon complex who commanded as much respect
20:28and affection from his fellow crew members as long john silver's parrot objection if you object to your
20:35own counsel once more mr river you'll be in content who would permit this man this joke of a man
20:42this
20:42man who could not outwit a used tea bag to be in a position where he might endanger the entire
20:48crew who
20:49only a yogurt this man is not guilty of manslaughter he is only guilty of being arnold j rimmer that
21:01is his
21:01crime it is also his punishment the defense rests verdict on the defendant will now be passed in view of
21:12your counsel's eloquent defense together with the reams of material evidence he submitted on computer card
21:17this court accepts that in your case the mind probe is not an adequate method of ascertaining guilt
21:24it is not possible for you to have committed the crimes for which you blame yourself and you may
21:29therefore go free objection sir what are you objecting to now i want an apology
21:41brilliant crichton what can i say you were brilliant you even had me believing it the way you twisted the
21:46facts to make them fit this pattern come on let's get out of here i don't know what made us
21:50want to
21:51come to this hell hole in the first place i do hmm can i smell perfume i doubt it are
21:59you only
22:12caressed his part
22:33you are now in the justice zone
22:35you are now entering the justice zone beyond this point it is impossible to maintain
22:47that is
22:47to maintain my love
22:48it is avoiding product
22:51it is
22:54it is
22:54it is
22:54it
23:17Hey, my friends.
23:20I don't want any trouble.
23:22Look, I just want your space.
23:26Give me the start-up code.
23:29Look, I have no weapon.
23:32What are you waiting for? Gloop him.
23:36I can't. He's not armed.
23:38Listen, this is not a scout meeting.
23:40We're not trying to win best-behaved troop flag. Gloop him.
23:45What, in the back?
23:47Of course, in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.
23:51You mean you could happily kill him if he was asleep?
23:54I could happily kill him if he was on the job.
23:58It's immoral.
24:01Come on, my friend.
24:02You wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid.
24:06Come out and let's discuss it.
24:12I'm gonna go and talk to you.
24:22You wanna talk?
24:24Let's talk.
24:25No.
24:27You have no weapons?
24:29No.
24:30You have no weapons?
24:33No.
24:35You have no weapons?
24:40Guess what?
24:49So did I.
24:51That I lied.
24:54Twice.
24:58Didn't think of that.
24:59I'm very glad you didn't.
25:01What do you wanna talk about?
25:03Your death.
25:05Your imminent death.
25:22What the speck is going on?
25:47You're mad at this.
25:49Malfunction.
25:51Does not compute.
25:53I'm mad at that.
25:54No.
25:54Action!
25:58Action!
26:16I've got him, buddy! Leave this to me!
26:19No! No!
26:21Better late than never!
26:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
26:37It makes you think, though, doesn't it?
26:40I mean, mankind's history's been one long search for justice.
26:43That's what all religions are about.
26:45I mean, they accept life as being basically unfair,
26:47and promise that everyone will get their justice here to later,
26:50heaven, hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever.
26:53Those guys built a penal colony.
26:55They tried to bring some odds to the universe by creating the justice field.
26:58The way you live in an environment where justice does exist,
27:00you have no free will.
27:02That's why in our universe you can never have true natural justice, guy.
27:05Good things will happen to bad people and bad things will happen to good people.
27:07It's the way it's not a fit.
27:08Life, by its very nature, has to be cruel, unkind and unfair!
27:15Thank God for that.
27:21It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less.
27:28Let me fly, far away from here.
27:32Fun, fun, fun, fun.
27:35It's the sun, sun, sun.
27:38I want to lie, ship next to Coatones,
27:42drinking fresh mango juice.
27:45Go for the show, sniffing out my toes.
27:48Fun, fun, fun.
27:50In the sun, sun, sun.
27:55Fun, fun, fun.
27:58In the sun, sun, sun.
Comments