A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:26To be continued...
00:55To be continued...
01:05Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.
01:09Its crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive.
01:13Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate.
01:16And a creature who evolved from the ship's cap.
01:20Message out.
01:21Additional.
01:23Supplies are plentiful.
01:24We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years.
01:28Although we have run out of shake and vac.
01:35Additional, additional.
01:36Last week we found a planet with a breathable atmosphere.
02:03We're grooving tonight.
02:05Ahead, group back to five.
02:07Yeah.
02:13Hang on, everybody.
02:14Hang on.
02:18The sausages are done.
02:21It's the business, isn't it?
02:23It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your cables.
02:26I can't understand it.
02:27I've had so much to drink and it hasn't even afflicted me.
02:30I'm not at the least.
02:31Oh, yeah, why are you dancing, then?
02:33Ha!
02:34You call that dancing?
02:35I've seen people on fire move better than that.
02:38We'd better be going.
02:39The moon's going to be setting in a bit.
02:41Oh, OK, then.
02:42A toast.
02:43Gentlemen and scutters,
02:45we are gathered here today
02:47to celebrate the anniversary of Mr Arnold Rimmer's death.
02:50Right on, baby.
02:52And for this very special occasion,
02:55I have baked a cake.
02:57What's that, then?
02:58It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly,
03:00because he was a technician.
03:02Oh, that's very apt, that is.
03:03If it had been a postman,
03:05you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose.
03:07Yeah.
03:08Gordon Bennett's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.
03:11Come here.
03:15Happy Death Day to you.
03:19Happy Death Day to you.
03:23Happy Death Day, dearie.
03:26Happy Death Day to you.
03:43Happy Death Day to you.
03:51Show me the way to go home
03:57I'm tired and I want to go to bed
04:03Are you sure you're all right to drive?
04:06Yeah!
04:09And I had a little drink about an hour ago
04:15To celebrate Brimmer's death
04:21What time is it?
04:37Saturday
04:39Is that the best you can do?
04:41There are some numbers next to it
04:43But they could be anything
04:45Do you know what I fancy right now?
04:48A big fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's
04:53No
04:54I want a triple fried egg buttery with chilli sauce and chutney
05:02Me too
05:04Well, no problem then
05:05Nothing's too good for the Death Day, boy
05:07Correct
05:08Hall
05:10Hall
05:12Hall, give us something to eat
05:15You what?
05:17I'm jiggered, man
05:19Come on, you don't sleep
05:20Of course I do
05:21I've got to offline
05:22I can't keep up my full tilt, full power, red hot maximum pace all the time
05:26I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I?
05:29I want a triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney
05:34You what?
05:35It's a state of the art, Sarnie
05:37It's a state of the floor I'm worried about
05:41All right, okay
05:47Oh, trust me
06:01I feel like I'm having a baby
06:04It's good, isn't it?
06:06It's incredible
06:07Where did you get the recipe from?
06:09I can't remember
06:10I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare
06:14It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery
06:17It's well, Naughty
06:19The trouble is you've got to eat it before the bread dissolves
06:21I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister
06:24You see, all the ingredients are wrong
06:27The fried eggs, wrong
06:29The chutney, wrong
06:31The chilli sauce, all wrong
06:33But put them together
06:35And somehow it works
06:38It becomes right
06:40It's you
06:41This sandwich, Lister, is you
06:45What are you saying to me, Rimmer?
06:47You're wrong, right?
06:48All your ingredients are wrong
06:49You're slobby
06:51You've got no sense of discipline
06:53You're the only man ever to get his money back from the odory to people
06:58But people like you
07:00Don't you see?
07:01That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich
07:04Now me
07:05Now me
07:06All the ingredients are right
07:08I'm disciplined
07:09I'm organised
07:10I'm dedicated to my career
07:12I've always got a pen
07:15Result
07:16Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot
07:20And that's only because we haven't got one
07:22Why? Why is that?
07:23Well, I suppose it's because you are a total smeghead
07:27But I'm not
07:28I'm a nice guy
07:29I'm a goodie
07:30No, Rimmer
07:30You see, the trouble is
07:31You've never got time for people
07:32You're too busy trying to be successful
07:34It's all midnight revision
07:36And up, up, up
07:37The zigaro
07:37Lickety split
07:39I have got time for people
07:41What about all the time I spent licking up to Todd Hunter
07:44Even though he was a total gimp
07:46And Captain Hollister
07:48Mr. Fat Bastard
07:502044
07:51I went out of my way to simp around him
07:54Rimmer, that's not having time for people
07:56Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love?
08:00No, I don't want to know
08:01I want to tell you
08:02I don't want to know
08:03No, but I want to tell you
08:03But I don't want to know
08:05I want to tell you
08:05I am going to tell you
08:06Listen, listen, Rimmer
08:07If you tell me right
08:08You'll wake up in the morning
08:09And you'll have your hangover
08:10And you'll feel like death
08:12And you'll walk up to the mirror
08:13And you'll look in the mirror
08:14And you'll remember
08:15And you'll go
08:16See, it's not worth it
08:18I don't want to know
08:18And believe me
08:19You don't want to tell me
08:21What?
08:23Smeg
08:25One time only
08:26Don't tell me this, Rimmer
08:27You'll want to kill yourself in the morning
08:29Yvonne Magruder
08:30A single, brief liaison
08:33With the ship's female boxing champion
08:37March the 16th
08:397.31pm to 7.43pm
08:42Please
08:4312 minutes
08:44Please?
08:46And that includes the time
08:47It took to eat the pizza
08:50Please, Rimmer
08:50In my entire life
08:52I have spent more time
08:54Being sick
08:55So, I mean
08:56You haven't met the right girl yet?
08:58No
08:59I haven't, Lister
09:00I haven't met the right girl
09:01And some just might say
09:03Given the fact
09:04That the human race
09:05No longer exists
09:07Coupled with the fact
09:08That I have passed on
09:10Some just might say
09:12That I'm leaving it
09:13A little bit on the late side
09:16You made a decision, didn't you?
09:18I mean, you chose your career
09:19Over your personal life
09:20Yes, I did
09:20I did, didn't I?
09:22Pearls of wisdom there
09:23From Mr. Fried Egg Chili Chutney Sandwich Face
09:27Well, I'll tell you something, Lister
09:29I'll tell you something
09:30I'd trade it all in
09:32All of it
09:33My pips
09:34My long service medals
09:35My swimming certificates
09:37My telescope
09:38My shoe trees
09:39I'd trade everything in
09:41To be loved
09:43And to have been loved
09:48I'm a little lamb
09:51Maybe I could
09:55Really be good
09:57With someone to watch over me
10:04That was gonna be our song
10:08But I never found anyone
10:09To share it with
10:11So now it's just my song
10:15Another bit of sky
10:17That's a star
10:23Oh
10:24Well
10:24Well
10:24Well
10:24Well
10:26Well
10:40Well
10:48Oh, my God.
11:16Oh, my foot.
11:18Must have got to sleep on it.
11:20Guy, you were really putting it away last night, Lister.
11:23You really fell for my joke, didn't you?
11:26God, it's agony.
11:28That Magruder gag.
11:29Fancy falling for that, eh?
11:32I'll give you my telescope anything.
11:33Please, God, don't tell anyone.
11:41Have you done that?
11:43When did you do that?
11:44I didn't.
11:45I just went to bed and I've woken up with this.
11:50When did you finish the jigsaw?
11:51I didn't.
11:53Oi, who's been messing with my star charts?
11:55Here I am trying to do the comprehensive,
11:58nay, definitive A to Z of the entire universe
12:00with street names, post offices
12:02and little steeples and everything
12:03and some git's been fiddling with it.
12:06It's not us.
12:08OK, which one of you chimpanzees did this?
12:11Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything
12:14with the possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond.
12:18Who?
12:19Hang on, today's Sunday, right?
12:21So?
12:21Well, this clock says Thursday
12:23and that clock says Thursday
12:25and my foot says
12:26get the person who did this to my foot.
12:31Four pages have been torn out of me diary.
12:37Somehow we've lost the last four days.
12:39Did you look behind the fridge?
12:41If you lose something,
12:42it's nearly always there.
12:45Aliens.
12:46What?
12:46What are you talking about, Grease Dane?
12:49It's a well-documented phenomenon.
12:51They kidnap you,
12:53give you a mind probe,
12:54erase your memory
12:55and put you back.
12:57OK, aliens came aboard.
12:58Without question.
12:59They broke my leg?
13:00For some reason.
13:01They broke my leg?
13:02Right.
13:03Then they did a jigsaw.
13:04Right.
13:06Well, that's cleared that up, then.
13:09Look, you're not thinking alien.
13:11That's what aliens are.
13:12Alien.
13:13They do alien things.
13:14Things that are...
13:15alien.
13:16Maybe this is the way they communicate.
13:18What, breaking legs?
13:19And two in jigsaws?
13:22Why should they speak the way we do?
13:25They're aliens.
13:26OK, Professor, what does it mean?
13:29Maybe...
13:29Maybe...
13:30OK.
13:32Breaking your leg hurts like hell.
13:35OK?
13:35Hell.
13:36They do it below the knee.
13:39Low.
13:40Hello.
13:41Get it?
13:44They do it twice.
13:46Twice.
13:47Two.
13:47Hello.
13:48Two.
13:49And jigsaw must mean you.
13:51Hello to you.
13:54I wouldn't like to be around
13:55when one of these suckers
13:56is making a speech.
14:01Hang on, the black box.
14:03Holly, the black box
14:04will have recorded everything, won't it?
14:06Yeah.
14:07Hang on.
14:08I'll fish it out.
14:10It's gone.
14:11It's been half-inched.
14:13Wait a minute.
14:14Let me think about this.
14:15It gives off a signal.
14:17We can trace it.
14:26It's the gearbox, man,
14:28I'm telling you.
14:30Nothing yet.
14:31This is impossible.
14:32It could be anyway.
14:34It's like trying to find
14:34a fart in a jacuzzi.
14:37Look.
14:38Down there, on that moon.
14:50Are you getting a picture now?
14:52Yeah, but the quality's terrible.
14:54It's like watching
14:54Spanish television.
14:57Oh, my God.
14:58What the hell is that?
14:59Holy moly.
15:00Smegger, are you?
15:02Uh, Holly,
15:03start the engines,
15:04warm her up,
15:04keep it ticking over, yeah?
15:06What is it?
15:07It's a footprint
15:08the size of a safe board.
15:10I don't believe
15:11the size of these feet.
15:13Can you imagine
15:13the problems this guy
15:14must have
15:15trying to get fashionable shoes?
15:17I wonder if it's through
15:18what they say
15:18about the size of your feet.
15:20I mean, if it is,
15:20this guy could probably
15:21go to a fancy dress party.
15:22He's a petrol pump.
15:24I think you should come back.
15:26There's more of them.
15:27They lead around this corner.
15:29So a surfboard foot-sized monster
15:31came aboard,
15:32did a jigsaw,
15:32drained our memories
15:33and broke a couple of legs.
15:34So what?
15:34Forget it again.
15:35That's what I say.
15:38This I don't believe.
15:40It's a gravestone
15:42to the memory
15:44of the memory
15:44of Lisa Yates.
15:46Who's Lisa Yates?
15:48You're not going to believe this,
15:50but I used to go out
15:51with a girl
15:51called Lisa Yates.
15:53It's only shallow.
15:55The black box
15:55is buried in the grave.
16:08Right, it's loaded.
16:10Well, play it, Sham.
16:16Nice-looking bloke.
16:19I don't know if anyone
16:20will ever find this,
16:22but if they do,
16:23and it's you, Dave,
16:24or you, Arnold,
16:25don't ever play it.
16:27Some things are best
16:28left buried.
16:31Why have you frozen them all?
16:32You heard what he said.
16:34Knows what he's talking
16:35about, that dude.
16:37Come on, Holly,
16:38from Saturday night.
16:39Do you know how many times
16:40in my entire life
16:42I made love?
16:43Yes, we all remember this bit.
16:44Spit on, spit on, spit on.
16:55That many?
17:00A little bit of sky,
17:02star.
17:14This better be good.
17:15I was sleeping,
17:16and sleeping's
17:17my third favourite thing.
17:19Come wake me up
17:20this time.
17:26What is this place?
17:28It's the hologram
17:28simulation suite.
17:30This is the room
17:30that connects Rimme.
17:31Have we come to blow
17:32this room up?
17:34Look,
17:35those are his dreams
17:36and everything there.
17:37That's where he's dreaming,
17:38right at the moment.
17:48I'm going to give Rimme
17:49the best present
17:50he will ever get.
17:53What are you doing?
17:54I'm recording me memory.
17:56Your entire memory?
17:57Yeah, everything.
17:58Everywhere I've been,
17:59everything I've learned,
18:00my entire knowledge.
18:02Right, that's it.
18:05I'm going to give Rimme
18:06a love affair.
18:08I'm going to take
18:09eight months out of my memory,
18:10and I'm going to paste it
18:11into his.
18:12So everything that's
18:12happened to me,
18:13he's going to think
18:14happened to him.
18:14You're going to give him
18:15one of your old girlfriends.
18:16I'm going to give him
18:18Lisa Yates.
18:27God, I love you, Dave.
18:29I love you so much.
18:31And I love you, Lisa.
18:33A few minor adjustments.
18:38God, I love you, Rimme.
18:39I love you so much.
18:41And I love you, Lisa.
18:42Change the voice?
18:46God, I love you, Rimme.
18:48I love you so much.
18:50And I love you, Lisa.
18:52And that's it?
18:53And when he wakes up,
18:54he'll think all this
18:55happened to him.
18:56Yeah, the whole eight months.
18:58Man, that's a fine present.
19:01He was probably only
19:02expecting a tie.
19:03Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
19:35You are in a good mood.
19:38Why not, Lister, when life's so good?
19:41Why is life so good?
19:43You wouldn't understand, Lister. You've never been in love.
19:46I have.
19:47Oh, not real love, Lister. Not like I have.
19:50Not fireworks in the sky, from here to eternity,
19:54rolling naked on the beach kind of love.
19:56Not like me and Lisa.
19:58So who's Lisa?
20:00Never you mind, Lister.
20:02Someone who was absolutely nuts about me.
20:04That's all you need to know.
20:05Fine, if you want to keep it to yourself.
20:08All I'm saying is, from now on, call me Tiger.
20:14An old girlfriend, was she? Tiger.
20:18What a crazy, crazy year that was.
20:21The first three months, I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course.
20:25Then, for absolutely no reason, I suddenly moved to Liverpool.
20:31I drank too much. I smoked too much. I became a total slob.
20:35I met Lisa, of course.
20:37I even started to eat my own toenail clippings.
20:41My tastes in music radically changed.
20:43I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank. Crazy.
20:49Well, you know, you're in love. You go a bit crazy.
20:52It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her.
20:55But yet, I started to treat her really badly.
20:57No, you didn't.
20:58I did. I started to give her some wishy-washy twaddle about not wanting to get tied down.
21:03But you were young. You didn't want to settle down. You wanted to bum around and have a laugh.
21:07But I hate bumming around and having a laugh.
21:10But that's what you're like when you're young.
21:12But I wasn't like that when I was young.
21:13So why did I say those things?
21:16I mean, she wanted you to have a career.
21:19That's what I'd always dreamt of, so why did I finish it with her?
21:22Because you wanted to play the field.
21:25That's right. I told her I wanted to play the field.
21:28I told her that? I must have been mad.
21:32She was great and she thought I was great.
21:34Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.
21:38She was a lover and a friend.
21:40You're beautiful. Gorgeous.
21:42Great sense of humour. Terrific.
21:45Your sex was fantastic.
21:46Amazing sex.
21:48Brilliant sex.
21:49Oh, primo, dynamite sex.
21:51Fantastic sex.
21:53Stupendous sex.
21:54Lister.
21:55The way she used that.
21:56Oh, the sex.
21:57Brilliant sex.
21:58Lister, how do you know?
21:59I'm just having a guess.
22:02Kindly vote.
22:04No one will ever know how beautiful the relationship between me and Lisa Yates was.
22:10How could you do this to me?
22:12It's the most heartbreakingly tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune to witness.
22:17Popcorn?
22:21Look, I'm sorry, man.
22:23I mean, obviously I thought I was doing you a favour, eh?
22:26What's all this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs and Godzilla-sized footprints, eh?
22:38Right, Smeg brain. Prepare to die.
22:40Eh?
22:40I found the letters.
22:41What letters?
22:42Don't give me what letters. The letters.
22:44What letters?
22:45You went out with Lisa Yates, too. I found the letters she sent you.
22:48Oh, Smeg.
22:50All the time she was going out with me, she must have been seeing you as well, behind my back.
22:54And what is more, to pour salt into the wound, you used to take her to the exact same places
22:58I used to take her and do the exact same things.
23:01But it's not what it looks like.
23:03That woman is unbelievable.
23:05We spent a night in a hotel in Southport and made love six times.
23:09According to her letter, you were at the exact same hotel and you made love six times, too.
23:14Listen.
23:15Twelve times a night?
23:16What is wrong with a woman? She's sex-mad.
23:19Listen.
23:20It's a good job you were there. If I'd been there on my own, I would have been dead within
23:23a week.
23:25But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved me.
23:28Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same time.
23:31Come on, I've checked the dates.
23:33She wasn't going out with you at all.
23:34She...
23:36She didn't go out with me at all?
23:38No, you've never even met her.
23:39Is that the best you can do, Lisa? That's below feeble.
23:42I went down to the hologram simulation suite and I gave you eight months of my memory.
23:47What?
23:47It was a present.
23:50You gave me eight months of your memory as a present?
23:58Yeah.
24:00That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive.
24:06That's why I had my appendix out twice.
24:10I thought it was what we needed.
24:14You destroyed me, Lister.
24:17The woman I loved most in the whole world didn't love me.
24:22She loved you.
24:26Rimmer, listen.
24:27Rimmer, listen.
24:28Rimmer!
24:30Smack!
24:35You should have bought him a tie.
25:00You should have bought him a tie.
25:01It made you more confident, more secure.
25:03It didn't happen.
25:04I never even met her.
25:05It did happen.
25:07I mean, you fell in love with her in a way I never did.
25:09She's yours now.
25:10Nothing can take that away from you.
25:12That time she stuck her tongue down my ear.
25:15It wasn't my ear at all.
25:17It was your ear.
25:18The woman I love most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear.
25:24The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's baby bud.
25:30Come on, as far as you're concerned, you had a love affair right, which was wonderful, yeah?
25:34And for some reason that you can't understand, it all went hideously wrong.
25:38Well, so what?
25:40Join the club, bucko.
25:41It's just you, me and everyone else in the world.
25:44I don't want to feel like this anymore.
25:46So you're in pain, yeah?
25:49Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling, if you go through life never experiencing, you're no better than a
25:54jellyfish.
25:55You're no better than a bank manager.
25:58I don't want this feeling anymore.
25:59I want my own memory back.
26:01Okay.
26:02Okay.
26:03Okay.
26:04I'll erase the last four days.
26:06Lisa Yates will never have happened.
26:08But you'll know about it.
26:09Well, I'll erase my memory from Sunday, too.
26:12And the cats and Holly's.
26:14Fine, if they agree.
26:15What about the black box?
26:17I'll destroy it.
26:18It's indestructible.
26:19Okay, I'll shoot it off into space.
26:20Someone might find it.
26:22Okay, okay.
26:22We'll bury it.
26:23We'll bury it on some planning, yeah.
26:32I'm gonna drop it.
26:33I'm gonna drop it.
26:34Put it down, man.
26:35Put it down.
26:36Put it down.
26:39Why are you on a gravestone?
26:41He said he just wanted something somewhere, you know.
26:44So it didn't, like, disappear.
26:46Ah.
26:47Ah.
26:50Ah.
26:53Ah.
26:55Ah.
26:55Ah.
26:56It's broken.
26:57It's broken.
26:59It's broken.
26:59don't tell me where I'm at home!
27:17okay that's it. let's go and erase our memories.
27:33It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm all alone, more or less.
27:40Let me fly, I'm far away from here.
27:44Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
27:50I want to lie, ship legs, you're growing toes,
27:54drinking fresh mango juice,
27:57scumfish shows, dribbling up my toes.
28:00Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
28:07Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
Comments