- 2 days ago
On Your Mark, Get Set... Date!
Nikki and Jonesy start a speed dating service for Jen, Caitlin, Jude and Wyatt to help find their special someones.
Nikki and Jonesy start a speed dating service for Jen, Caitlin, Jude and Wyatt to help find their special someones.
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TVTranscript
00:05You know who's the cutest guy around?
00:08I am.
00:09Oh, hold on.
00:11Yep, looks like you win the big prize.
00:14Me.
00:16Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18Oh, do you mind?
00:20Nasty.
00:21Some of us are still single and lonely.
00:23Yeah, I'm totally wasting my high school sweetheart years.
00:27Try going on a date or something.
00:29It's been one heck of a dating dry spell.
00:31And even if you're lucky enough to get a date, you know when the first five minutes of the person
00:35sucks.
00:36But then you've still got to get through a two-hour dinner.
00:39You know what you guys should try?
00:41Speed dating.
00:42That's a great idea.
00:44Uh, no, that was a joke and only a joke.
00:47In the event of a real suggestion, you'll be notified without a sarcastic tone, okay?
00:51Hold them horses, Nikki.
00:53You're on to something there.
00:55I could use a new job and this could be just the ticket.
00:59Yeah, that's right.
00:59I got fired from my job cleaning vacuum cleaners.
01:02Way too confusing.
01:03Anyway, ten bucks a head times twenty daters.
01:07That's, uh, carry the six.
01:08A ton of coin!
01:10Ugh.
01:10With the participation fee at a reasonable ten dollars, how can you say no?
01:14Come on, guys.
01:16Pay up!
01:21I still don't know about this speed dating thing.
01:23I don't think I can handle speed rejection.
01:26Ha ha!
01:27The dating candidates are rolling in.
01:29Ka-ching!
01:31Praise loneliness.
01:32Don't worry.
01:33I'll show you how to attract every guy at the event.
01:36Oh, yeah?
01:36It's all about being positive and doing whatever you can to make them like you.
01:41Nah.
01:42You gotta be unattainable.
01:44Not nice.
01:45Now that's hot.
01:46No!
01:47You've gotta be sweet and open to anything.
01:50Not nice sounds like a lot less work.
01:51We'll make the event a dating method face-off.
01:53Whoever scores the most follow-up dates wins.
01:56You're on.
01:57Ignore these two and their dating dysfunction.
01:59Just be yourself.
02:00Psst.
02:00Waste of time.
02:01I haven't been myself in years.
02:04Yeah.
02:05Remind me what I see in you again.
02:11Okay, so what you want to do is keep telling yourself none of these guys are good enough,
02:15no matter how hot they are.
02:16You got anything for me?
02:18Hmm.
02:19Well, if you don't know what to talk about, try singing.
02:21I mean, that is your forte.
02:23Go on.
02:24And by not talking, you'll avoid that foot-in-the-mouth thing you always do.
02:27What?
02:28Foot-in-the-mouth?
02:29Always?
02:30Ugh.
02:31Great.
02:32Now you've got me all worried about that.
02:33Go get him, tiger.
02:35Ugh.
02:36I don't know.
02:36Maybe I should try Caitlyn's method instead.
02:39Your choice, but Caitlyn is single.
02:41You'll notice I'm not.
02:42Do the math.
02:43Let this Jonesy method cheat sheet be the math that guides you from lonesome town to happy couple-ville.
02:49Oh, give me that.
02:51Hey, you used these lines on me.
02:54What's worse, they worked.
02:56Told ya.
02:57If it worked on Nicky, I guess there's a chance for me.
03:01That's it.
03:01Off you go.
03:03Welcome to the first ever Jonesy Speed Dating Extravaganza.
03:07Each date lasts three minutes.
03:10Then we ring the bell and the boys move on to the next table.
03:13At the end, everybody picks the photos of whoever they want to go on a follow-up date with.
03:24Picks will be done in private, so it's not awkward, but both parties must pick each other to receive that
03:30second date offer.
03:31Cool?
03:33Let the games begin.
03:39You gotta be unattainable, not nice.
03:43I don't like you.
03:46Right now.
03:51You'll be happy to know that I'm up for anything.
03:54I hunt squirrels and dress them in little polyester pants.
04:00Hi.
04:01I'm Jude.
04:02Nice to meet.
04:13Anyway.
04:18Um, so...
04:19Foot in the mouth.
04:24Ow!
04:25Sorry.
04:26You've got a great energy.
04:29I love your eyes.
04:31And I'm not even lying.
04:32Uh, if you say so.
04:35Uh, do you want me to compliment you back?
04:37You can if you want to.
04:38I'm happy to do whatever you want me to do.
04:40Whatever you want.
04:41No, you.
04:42You.
04:42You.
04:44Yeah, so I was whitewater rafting and...
04:46Yeah, I whitewater rafted once.
04:48Had to fight off a river shark.
04:50Yeah, wow.
04:51Impressive.
04:53Actually, once when I was skydiving...
04:55I went skydiving when I was five.
04:57Had to fight off an attack helicopter.
05:03Sorry, my guitar string's broken, so...
05:06Hey, you're the new barista at Grind Me.
05:09Cool.
05:10Definitely won't be needing this.
05:12Sorry, wrong table.
05:14We just saw each other.
05:15No, we didn't.
05:16Uh, yeah, we did.
05:17Sorry, but we didn't.
05:19Yes, we did.
05:20How can you not remember?
05:22Yeah, because we didn't.
05:23Did.
05:24Hi, Caitlin.
05:25Ah!
05:26Wait, you're twins?
05:29Well, you're the cute one.
05:31Twins.
05:33Wow, I didn't...
05:35Rule number three, no matter what, you're always right.
05:39Like I said, we did speed date already.
05:41Well, uh, if you say so.
05:43Yes, told you my method is a winner.
05:48Hey, I'm Jude.
05:50Jude, it's me.
05:52Star?
05:54Whoa, head rush.
05:57I thought you were all gothtacular.
05:59Turns out I'm really smart.
06:01I'm big on quantum physics now and medieval-themed role-playing games.
06:05That sounds, um, fun.
06:08I'm so happy to see you.
06:11I want to start things up again.
06:13I bet, brah.
06:14Ha, ha, nerdy girl like you.
06:16Must be impossible to get a date.
06:19Uh, I mean, I've still got more speed dates to go on.
06:24Plus, you kind of broke my heart.
06:27But the heart is a very resilient muscle.
06:29In fact, the average human heart beats approximately 2.5 billion times in a lifetime.
06:36Ding!
06:36Oh, looks like our time is up.
06:38See ya.
06:38Hey, you can't do that.
06:41I've still got time left.
06:43Or not.
06:46Okay, guys, here are the results.
06:49Wyatt, only one of the speed dates you picked picked you back.
06:52Oh, man.
06:54That's so...
06:55Perfect!
06:57Kathleen's a barista that grind me.
06:59Can you believe it?
06:59Is it her you like?
07:01Or is it the coffee?
07:02Please!
07:03I've never used someone like that.
07:05I haven't even tasted her coffee.
07:07Yet.
07:08So how many guys want to date me?
07:10Pretty much all the guys.
07:12Yes!
07:12Then my technique is the big winner.
07:15Whoa, whoa, not so fast.
07:17Jen got the thumbs up from the same number of guys.
07:19Yes!
07:20I'm in couples town.
07:21Oh, yeah.
07:22The Jonesy method kicks it in your face.
07:25High five.
07:28And it looks like you both get to go out with your number one picks.
07:31Uh-oh.
07:32Trouble.
07:32Same guy.
07:33They should duel like in the olden days with swords at 50 paces.
07:37How do you have a sword fight at 50 paces?
07:4050-foot swords?
07:41Don't worry.
07:42They're just twins.
07:43Perfect!
07:43We can break the tie.
07:45If Caitlin and Jen go on a double date with the twins,
07:48we'll find out whose method really works best.
07:51Or they could go out on normal dates like normal people.
07:54I could barely get through three minutes using the Jonesy method.
07:57How am I going to get through a whole date?
07:59Don't worry.
07:59I'll make sure you've got them wrapped around your little finger.
08:03And if Jonesy's method doesn't work,
08:05at least you'll prove them wrong.
08:06So it's a win-win.
08:08Oh, sure.
08:09Why not?
08:09It's only my love life you're messing with.
08:11Great!
08:15Any of the speedy mamacitas want to see me again?
08:19Just that weird nerdy girl.
08:21But you didn't pick her back, so...
08:23Uh...
08:24Star.
08:26What?
08:26That's Star?
08:28No.
08:29That's Star.
08:32Hey, Jude.
08:33Want to see a movie?
08:35Actually, uh...
08:37I've already got tickets.
08:38Here you go.
08:40Uh...
08:42Okay.
08:44Okay.
08:44Great.
08:45I'll see you later.
08:48Oh, Jude, congratulations.
08:52You and Star are so good together.
08:55But now she's all smart and stuff.
08:57Ooh.
08:58Are you worried you're not going to be bright enough for her?
09:00Now I am.
09:04I love that shirt.
09:07Wow.
09:08A napkin before I even need it?
09:10You're so forward-thinking.
09:14Uh...
09:15So...
09:17Is something wrong?
09:19Say, you have to ask.
09:21Can't you tell?
09:22Ice front.
09:23Say it.
09:23You have to ask?
09:24Can't you tell?
09:26Knock over your drink.
09:27Do it.
09:29Uh...
09:30Sorry.
09:31Did I make you do that?
09:32Wow.
09:33Yeah.
09:34I'm a genius.
09:35Hey!
09:35What are you doing?
09:36Shh!
09:37Wait.
09:38You can't just...
09:41Never mind.
09:42Where were we?
09:43Oh, yeah.
09:44Get more napkins.
09:45Right.
09:46Of course.
09:46Sorry.
09:53Oh.
09:53Text from Caitlin.
09:55Jonesy's created a gen monster.
09:56You have to help.
09:57After all, speed dating was your idea?
10:00What?
10:00It's like I can't make a joke with these people.
10:02Ugh!
10:06Hey there, Kathleen.
10:08A flower for your best cup of joe?
10:23This is the best coffee I've ever tasted in my life!
10:28Uh, it's just a cup of coffee?
10:31No!
10:32You're the best thing that's ever happened to coffee!
10:34Uh, I mean me.
10:36It happened to me.
10:37Heh heh.
10:43Don't look now, but there's a pack of geeks hovering behind us.
10:49Hey guys!
10:49This is Jude.
10:51Jude, these are my new friends I told you about.
10:56Uh, nice to meet you.
10:58If you guys haven't solved that space travel dilemma yet, maybe Jude could help out.
11:03Do you have any thoughts on how to change directions in space using a minimal amount of energy?
11:09Well, I pulled a sweet board stunt this weekend.
11:13I grabbed a pole to swing back around.
11:15Didn't slow me down at all.
11:17Of course!
11:18The same way satellites use the gravitational pull of the moon to correct their orbit.
11:24You're a genius!
11:25I'll have to take your word for it, brah.
11:28No, you won't.
11:28You can take this IQ test.
11:30You carry IQ tests with you?
11:32Everyone who joins has to, and then we do them once a month for fun.
11:36Uh, sure!
11:37Cause tests are super fun, but I can't do it now.
11:43No worries.
11:44It's a take-home.
11:45But we kind of have a policy.
11:48Only people with an IQ of 130 or higher are smart enough to hang with us.
11:54A hundred is an average score, and 70 or below is...
12:00Well, we won't have to worry about that.
12:04But I know you'll ace it.
12:07You can write it tonight, and we'll find out just how smart you are in the morning.
12:12Yay!
12:14Fun!
12:18Anyone here a genius?
12:20For the love of all that's good and holy, is there a genius in this ball?
12:30Ah, where is he?
12:32Don't worry about it.
12:33Let's just have a good time with these guys.
12:35Are you girls looking for someone?
12:37Yeah, I'm looking for someone who knows how to mind their own business.
12:43Jen?
12:44Not if you can hear me.
12:46Sweet.
12:47Now repeat after me.
12:48Who are you talking to?
12:49Who are you talking to?
13:14Who are you talking to?
13:18You?
13:22Who are you talking to?
13:43Who are you talking to?
13:45Who are you talking to?
13:47No.
13:48No.
13:48Maybe we're not really right for each other
13:55What is that incredible perfume you're wearing it's not perfume it's just coffee smell left over from work don't ever
14:03change
14:05Listen Dragonblade is a superior film
14:09Genius is never appreciated right on Wayne always says he's the smartest dude in the mall
14:16I need a genius and you're the dude you gotta take this IQ test for me, bro IQ test
14:23Mere child's play with some monetary incentive, of course
14:35It's due tomorrow morning problemo, so
14:45Kung footsie watching the opening will get my brain working. I know it
14:52So what other dashingly heroic things have you done Tom you're a great listener
14:58Let's see. I bungee'd off a bridge once Wow
15:03Who's the dating guru now Jonesy your waiter? I will be right. Oh wait you are
15:10Finally
15:10Don't I know you
15:15Uh Todd I'll be needing a foot rub now
15:23Table four needs to be cleared
15:27That's some serious facial hair
15:30Yeah, I already a clear a table for I'll show you how to clear a table
15:36Please let him stay. I need him
15:39Well, why do you need a busboy let the hairy waitress do her job?
15:44Whoa are you dating her or me what I'm all about you Tom
15:49Holy absolutely and flat-out totally about you
15:55Why did you kiss my date what no I kiss
16:00Oopsie
16:03There now we're even so that's how you want to play it
16:15All right everybody out
16:22So who do you think won the bet Tom and Todd obviously
16:30I wrote this song just for you
16:32When I wake up the first thing I want to see is you grinding up some love for me cuz
16:39you're so fine
16:41I'm getting the feeling this relationships just about the coffee
16:45What no of course not I like you a latte. I mean a lot
16:52You have been watching Kong footsie
16:55Okay
16:59Hey
17:00Exit the dragon this is a must-see
17:11Hey, bro, I'll be dropping by to pick up the test in about 20 minutes cool. Yeah, cool
17:18Uh, definitely cool man. Uh, see you soon
17:25Hey, Nikki hi Jonesy
17:32Aren't you guys ticked at us? Why should we be a restaurant twins double humiliation ring any bells after you
17:38left?
17:39It turned out that Todd and I get along really well and Tom and I are a way better fit
17:43So we ended up kissing the right guys after all
17:47Coffee anyone handcrafted by my excellent new girlfriend kathleen
17:52Wow, this is great
17:55Phenomenal joe bro. Yeah, I know
17:58I mean if she can make this who cares if she likes country music
18:04Country music you are using her for the coffee. Oh, why it what I can't believe you'd accuse me of
18:10something
18:10So low as a matter of fact, I'm just on my way to buy a present for caffeine
18:15I mean Kathleen, uh, bye now. Oh, yeah, this one's got happily ever after written all over it
18:25Hey, I got you a gift because I care about you as a person
18:32It's an electric coffee bean grinder
18:35uh plus it's great for grinding cinnamon and uh nutmeg and
18:42Oh
18:43Oh, it is about the coffee. Wow. I'm really sorry. Can you forgive me? Sure, but I won't be making
18:50you any more coffee
18:52Yeah, I kind of deserve that not this one, too
18:58I'm gonna miss you
19:03Sixty-two is that good? No, it's very not good
19:09I have to stop seeing you Jude. I made a pledge only to date smart guys
19:15It's okay trying to be smart was giving me a headache anyway
19:22Ah
19:23Being dumb never felt so good
19:36Bye Tom
19:37Bye Todd
19:42I'm going to miss dating caffeine
19:45Kathleen
19:46Sheesh here, bro. Your ex hot. He just started her chef. Finally
19:52Oh
19:54At least Jude can keep bringing you coffee to remember her by
20:01What are you doing anyway marking my IQ test figured I should give it a go for real and see
20:08exactly how many slices I am short of a loaf
20:13So whoa that bad, huh? Jude you're a genius
20:19Is that that sarcastic tone again? Nope. He scored 175
20:24No way dudes. I should donate my brain to science
20:28You might want to keep using it for a bit. Yeah, I think science is enough problems to deal with
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