A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
01:06Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold
01:14Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate. And a creature who evolved from the ship's cap. Message out.
01:23Additional. As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile
01:30and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?
01:34LAUGHTER
01:53Sit down, Brooke. There's something I must tell you.
01:57What is it, Kelly?
01:59I wasn't with Simone that evening, Brooke. I spent the night with Gary.
02:03You ex-husband Gary? My business rival? What are you telling me, Kelly?
02:07I'm saying, Brooke Junior.
02:11What about Brooke Junior?
02:13He isn't your android.
02:24Androids have feelings, too.
02:45I hope when you come, the weather will be clement.
02:48Wait a minute. I know this one. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
02:53I hope when you come, the weather will be clement.
02:56I hope when you come, the weather will be clement.
03:00Listen, don't tell me. I could have got that.
03:04Bon volo directi min al quince della hotello.
03:07Now, I remember this from last time.
03:09Please, could you direct me to a five-star hotel?
03:13Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly and completely wrong.
03:17Please, could you direct me to a five-star hotel?
03:21Mr. Will you please shut up?
03:23I'm only helping, yeah.
03:24Well, I don't need any help.
03:26Le manjo est es bonega.
03:28Plei corain gratuline al lacuristo.
03:32I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball
03:35and that small bucket and spade.
03:37The meal was splendid.
03:39My heartiest congratulations to the chef.
03:42What? Pause!
03:44Rimo, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years.
03:47How come you're so utterly useless?
03:49Oh, speaks.
03:51And how many books have you read in your entire life?
03:53The same number as Champy and the Wonder Horse. Zero.
03:56I've read books.
03:57Listen, we're not talking about books
03:59where the main character is a dog called Ben.
04:02I went to art college.
04:04You?
04:05Yeah.
04:06How did you get into art college?
04:07The normal way you get into art college.
04:09The same old usual boring normal way you get in.
04:12Failed me exams and applied.
04:14He snapped me up.
04:16Ah, but you didn't get a degree, did you?
04:18No.
04:18I dropped out. It wasn't here long.
04:20How long?
04:2097 minutes.
04:22I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, you know?
04:24But I took one look at the timetable and just checked out, man.
04:27I mean, it was ridiculous.
04:28They had lectures, like, first thing in the afternoon.
04:32We're talking half past twelve every day.
04:35Who's together by then?
04:36You can still taste the toothpaste.
04:38Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions.
04:41I'm not prepared to sit around all day polishing my space bike
04:44so I can go joyriding through some asteroid belt
04:47because I'm not a gimp.
04:48And one of my ambitions is to learn another language
04:51so kindly let me get on with it.
04:53Play.
04:53La menor aspecta sponega.
04:56Mi provos la coca d'ajon.
04:58Ah, now, this is one I do know.
04:59The menu looks interesting.
05:01I think I'll try the chicken.
05:04Holly, as the Esperantinos would say,
05:14And I think we all know what that means.
05:16Yeah, it means could you send for the hall porter?
05:19There appears to be a frog in my B-day.
05:21Is it?
05:22Well, what's that one about your father was a baboon's rump
05:25and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors?
05:28I'm not telling you.
05:31Because you're bored, isn't it?
05:32That's why you're both annoying me.
05:33I'm not bored.
05:34I've had a really busy morning.
05:36I've devised a system to totally revolutionise music.
05:39Get out of town.
05:40Yeah, I've decimalised it.
05:43Instead of the octave, it's a decorative.
05:45And I've invented two new notes.
05:47H and J.
05:48Hang on a minute.
05:49You can't just invent new notes.
05:51Well, I have.
05:53Now it goes
05:54Do, Re, Mi, Ba, So, La, Wo, Bo, Ti, Do.
05:59Do, Ti, Bo, Wo, La, So, La, Mi, Re, Do.
06:03What are you drivelling about?
06:05Whole rock.
06:06It'll be a whole new sound.
06:08All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new notes.
06:12Triangles will have four sides.
06:15Piano keyboards, the length of zebra crossings.
06:18Of course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello.
06:21Holly?
06:23Shuttle?
06:23Oh, I forgot.
06:25I haven't told you the news.
06:26What news?
06:27A signal.
06:28We're getting a signal.
06:29It's probably nothing, but I just thought I'd mention it.
06:32Aliens.
06:33Oh, God, aliens.
06:35Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it?
06:38You lose your keys.
06:39It's aliens.
06:40A picture falls off the wall.
06:42It's aliens.
06:43That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day.
06:45You thought that was aliens as well?
06:48Well, we didn't use it all, Lister.
06:50Who did?
06:51Remember, aliens used our bog roll?
06:56Just because they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room.
07:00Although they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or
07:05something.
07:07Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in the cinema.
07:11Hey, Mousy, Mousy.
07:13I got some cheese.
07:15I only want to be your friend.
07:19Yo, Captain.
07:22We're getting a signal.
07:23Come on.
07:24Aliens.
07:30It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova Five.
07:33They've crash-landed.
07:34I'm trying to establish contact.
07:36Another ship?
07:37Brilliant.
07:38So it's not aliens, then?
07:39No, they're from Earth.
07:41Hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board.
07:43We're a bit short on a few supplies.
07:45Like what?
07:46Cow's milk.
07:47Ran out of that yonks ago.
07:49Fresh and dehydrated.
07:51What kind of milk are we using now?
07:52Emergency backup supply.
07:54We're on the dog's milk.
08:00Dog's milk?
08:01Nothing wrong with dog's milk.
08:02Full of goodness.
08:04Full of vitamins.
08:05Full of marabone jelly.
08:08Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
08:11Why?
08:12No bugger or drink it.
08:17Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly
08:21the same as when it's fresh.
08:25Why didn't you tell me, Holly?
08:27What?
08:28And spoil your tea?
08:31Hang about.
08:31We've got contact.
08:33Punch it up.
08:33Thank goodness.
08:35My name is Crichton.
08:36I'm the service mechanoid aboard the Nova 5.
08:38We've had a terrible accident.
08:40The male officers died on impact.
08:42The female officers are injured but stable.
08:44Please help us.
08:45Is that female as in soft and squidgy?
08:49How many?
08:50Three.
08:51Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Anne.
08:54I'm transmitting medical details.
09:01Tell them we're coming aboard.
09:03By God, we'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, space adventurer.
09:09Thank you, Captain.
09:11Space adventurer?
09:12What am I supposed to say?
09:13Fear not.
09:14I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine.
09:18Actually, we know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a block nozzle, we're your
09:22lads.
09:24Fill them with confidence, won't it?
09:25How far are we away, Hope?
09:27About 24 hours.
09:28What?
09:29Only 24 hours?
09:31I'd better start getting ready.
09:3224 hours.
09:34Ah, first in the showroom.
09:37Yeah, I'm so excited.
09:39All six of my nipples are tingling.
09:43What's wrong with him?
09:45We're on a mission of mercy.
09:46We're taking them urgently needed medical supplies.
09:48We're not on the pull.
10:02We're not on the way.
10:08We're not on the way.
10:10We're not on the way.
10:22We're going through the ring for the ring.
11:04No, we're not on the pool, are we, Lister?
11:07Look at you, absolutely pathetic.
11:10You're really trying, aren't you?
11:11You're wearing all your least smeggy things.
11:14Don't know what you're talking about.
11:16That T-shirt, Lister, with only two curry stains on the front,
11:19you only wear that on special occasions.
11:22You're toffed up to the nines, laddie.
11:24And what about you? You look like Clive of India.
11:28Or the one whose mum does use new biological biz.
11:32Oh, it started, I knew it would.
11:35What has?
11:36The put-downs.
11:37It's always the same when we meet girls.
11:39Put me down and make yourself look good.
11:41Like when?
11:42Remember those two little brunettes from supplies?
11:44And I told them I worked in stores and they were really interested
11:47and asked me exactly what I did there.
11:48And I said you were a shelf.
11:51Exactly.
11:52And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo and you said,
11:55ooh, he's taking you home to meet his mum already.
11:58And so?
11:58They laughed?
11:59Yes, at me, at my expense.
12:01Just don't put me down when we meet them.
12:03Okay, what do you want me to say?
12:05How do you want me to act?
12:06I don't know, just act with respect.
12:08For a start, don't call me Rimmer.
12:11Why not?
12:12Because you always put the emphasis on rim in Rimmer.
12:14Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.
12:17Well, what do you want me to call you?
12:18Rimmer?
12:20I don't know, um, Arnie, Arne, something a bit more, I don't know.
12:26How about Big Man?
12:30Big Man.
12:32Or what about the nickname I had at school?
12:34What, Bonehead?
12:36How did you know my nickname was Bonehead?
12:39I was only guessing.
12:40I didn't mean that, I meant the other one.
12:42What other one?
12:44Ace.
12:46Get out of town.
12:47Your nickname was never Ace.
12:50Maybe Ace Hole.
12:53It was my nickname at the school, actually.
12:56No one ever called me it, despite how many times I let them beat me up.
13:00What are you trying to say to me, Rimmer?
13:02I'm trying to say, build me up, don't put me down.
13:05Like?
13:06Like, if the opportunity occurs and it crops up naturally in conversation,
13:10you could perhaps mention that I'm very brave.
13:13Do what?
13:15Don't go ape, just sort of mention perhaps
13:17that I died and that I was pretty incredibly brave about it.
13:23I mean, you know, perhaps you could just mention, hint that I've had tons of girlfriends.
13:29All right, forget it, it was just an idea.
13:31Oh, you're not wearing those boots, are you?
13:33What's wrong with them?
13:34Oh, they just don't go.
13:36Not with that lot.
13:37I know, you should wear your Dayglo orange moon boots.
13:40You said they were disgusting?
13:42No, very chic.
13:44You said they smelled like an orangutan's posing pouch.
13:48They set off one of those dangerous chemical alarms.
13:52You made me put them in the airlock.
13:53No, no, that was a mistake.
13:55They really look terrific on you.
13:56I'd wear them.
13:57Honest.
13:57Definitely.
14:07Come along, everybody.
14:10They're here.
14:12They're in orbit.
14:16Miss Jane.
14:22What a mess you look.
14:26Smart, but casual.
14:36Miss Anne.
14:38Why, you haven't touched your soup.
14:40No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty.
14:46Don't eat nicely, Miss Anne.
14:48What on earth will the visitors think if they see you eating like that?
14:54Miss Tracy?
14:57No.
14:58You look absolutely perfect.
15:09What's that smell?
15:10I can't smell anything.
15:12Are you okay?
15:13Your eyes are watering.
15:15It's me excited.
15:16Look, we can't wait for the cat.
15:18Let's just go.
15:19Oh, come on.
15:19He's been preparing for a day and a night.
15:21Don't you want to see the result?
15:25Oh, wait for me!
15:36Hi, monkeys!
15:37It's been a plastic surgeon's nightmare.
15:40A space suit with cufflinks.
15:42Would you have to help me?
15:44I made it myself.
15:45I didn't want to mess up my hair.
15:47Hey, listen.
15:48We just got to make sure we don't pass any mirrors.
15:51Because if we do, I'm there for the day.
15:54Oh, what's that smell?
15:56All right, everybody ready?
15:58Let's go.
16:27Let's go, then.
16:28What?
16:28I'm prepared to roll up and put down his trousers.
16:49Come in, come in.
16:50How lovely to meet you.
16:55And what a delightful craft you have.
16:57Reminds me of my first commander.
16:58This way, peas.
17:02This way, peas.
17:12You're a work of luck, baby.
17:14Psst.
17:17You're going to have to help me, man.
17:25I'm so excited we all are.
17:27The girls could hardly stop themselves from jumping up and down.
17:30Ah, charmita, charmita.
17:32Ah, the Paralas Esperanto, Capitano Rimmer.
17:35Come again?
17:36You speak Esperanto, Capitano Rimmer.
17:40Oh, si, si, si.
17:41Amor, oui.
17:45Well, here they are.
17:49Charmita.
17:59Well, it's a bit difficult to know what to say.
18:03Isn't it, Ace?
18:04Well, isn't anybody going to say hello?
18:09Isn't the blonde one's giving you the eye?
18:13Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted.
18:15I'll just go and fix some tea.
18:21Hi, baby.
18:22I don't believe this.
18:23Be strong, big man.
18:25Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years,
18:29and it's the android version of Norman Bates.
18:31Come on, guys.
18:32So they're a little on the skinny side.
18:35Listen, girls.
18:37I don't know whether it's the time or place to say this,
18:39but my mate Ace here is incredibly, incredibly brave.
18:45Smeg off, dog food face.
18:49And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends.
18:52I'm warning you, Lister.
19:03Is anything the matter?
19:06Anything the matter?
19:07They're dead.
19:10Who's dead?
19:12They are dead.
19:13They're all dead.
19:15My God.
19:18I was only away two minutes.
19:25They've been dead for centuries.
19:28No.
19:29Yes.
19:31Are you a doctor?
19:34You've only got to look at them.
19:36They've got less meat on them than a chicken nugget.
19:42Well, what am I going to do?
19:44I'm programmed to serve them.
19:46I think the first thing we should do is bury them.
19:51You're that sure they're dead?
19:52Yes.
19:54What about this one?
19:56There's a simple test.
19:58All right, girls.
19:59Hands up those of you who are alive.
20:09What am I going to do?
20:16I can't leave them.
20:18Mr. David, please.
20:20Please, take me back.
20:21Oh, Crichton.
20:22You've got to start a new life now.
20:24I haven't got the software to cope with this.
20:27I was created to serve.
20:28I serve, therefore I am.
20:31That is my purpose, to serve and have no regard for myself.
20:35You begin to sound like my mum.
20:37It's all I know.
20:38You've got to change, haven't you?
20:40Got to work out what you want.
20:42Stop being everyone's smegging doormat.
20:44That's easy for you to say, Mr. David.
20:46You're a human.
20:47Only just.
20:53Ah, Crichton.
20:54Nothing to do, eh?
20:56Follow me.
21:00You're all I know.
21:08Nice to meet you.
21:45What the smagging the hell is going on?
21:48Good afternoon, Mr. David, sir.
21:50What are these?
21:51Your boxer shorts, Mr. David, sir.
21:53No way are these my boxer shorts.
21:55Are these bends?
21:59What have you done to the place?
22:02I've done a spot of tidying up.
22:03But where is everything?
22:07Where's me coffee cooked with the mould in it?
22:10I threw it away, sir.
22:11But I was breeding that mould.
22:14His name was Albert.
22:16I was trying to get him two foot high.
22:18Why, sir?
22:19Because it drives Rimmer nuts.
22:22And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.
22:25I'm sorry, Mr. David, sir.
22:27Look at you.
22:28What are you doing?
22:29Why are you doing all this?
22:30Well, serving makes me happy, sir.
22:32But what about you?
22:33Don't you ever want to do anything just for yourself?
22:36Myself?
22:36Myself?
22:38Well, that's a bit of a barmy notion, if you don't mind my saying so, sir.
22:42Come on.
22:42There must be something you look forward to.
22:48Androids.
22:51Androids.
22:51Androids.
22:52Everybody needs good androids.
22:57That stupid soap opera.
22:59Why?
22:59Well, because for half an hour a week, I can forget I'm me.
23:04Androids.
23:04What else?
23:05Oh, being asleep.
23:07Androids and being asleep?
23:10Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life you lead there, criptin' me, old son.
23:15I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep.
23:17Yeah, they're called dreams.
23:19My favourite one is that I'm in a garden.
23:23I've never even seen a garden except in books.
23:27And I've planted everything and made it grow.
23:32It's my garden.
23:33And there's no one there but me.
23:35Just me and all the things I made live.
23:40Silly.
23:41No, it isn't.
23:42Find a planet with an atmosphere and do it.
23:45I can't.
23:46I'm programmed to serve.
23:48But there's no one to serve now, Crichton.
23:50That's the point.
23:51What about Mr Arnold?
23:52I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks.
23:56You what?
23:59Rimmer gave you all this?
24:01Well, Mr Arnold is my master now.
24:04Mr Arnold isn't his name.
24:05His name's Rimmer.
24:07Or Smeghead.
24:09Or dinosaur breath or molecule mind.
24:12And on a very rare occasion when you want to be, like, really mega polite to him, Crichton.
24:16We're talking mega polite.
24:17In those exceptional circumstances, you can call him arsehole.
24:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:50I think it'll be best on that wall, sort of dominating the room.
24:54Yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
24:56Yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
24:58You're a total Gwendolyn.
24:59Do you know that, Crichton?
25:00Oh, yes, Mr David, sir.
25:01Yes, Mr David, sir.
25:03Leave it alone, Lister.
25:04It enjoys doing the tasks I give it.
25:07It makes it happy.
25:08Drop dead, Rimmer.
25:09Already have done.
25:09Encore.
25:11You'd never get a cat to be a servant.
25:13You ever see a cat return a stick?
25:16Hey, man, you threw the stick, you go get it yourself.
25:20I'm busy.
25:22If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?
25:26Crichton, you never got a thing from those movies I showed you, did you?
25:29What movies?
25:30Mr David was kind enough to take me to see The Wild Ones, Easy Rider and Rebel Without a Cause.
25:36I thought it might do him some good.
25:38Fat chance.
25:39In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech.
25:42He gets out to brush a mask and starts doing me lapels.
25:46Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister, there's a natural order to things in life.
25:50Some give orders, others obey.
25:53That's the way it's always been, that's the way it's always going to be.
25:56Isn't that true, Crichton?
25:57Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
25:58Oh, yes, Mr Arnold.
25:59What's the point?
26:01Oh, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir.
26:04Excellent, Crichton.
26:13I think it's rather good, Mr Arnold, don't you, sir?
26:16What are you doing?
26:18I, um, I think I'm, uh, I'm rebelling.
26:25Rebelling?
26:26Yeah, I, I, I, I, I think that's what I'm doing.
26:32You are rebelling?
26:34Yes.
26:36What are you rebelling against?
26:42What do you got?
26:50Dinosaur breath?
26:54Molecule mind?
27:03Smeg for brains?
27:06I need your bike.
27:08You got it?
27:11Swivel, I'm a punk.
27:25It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm all alone, more or less.
27:32Let me fly, I'm far away from here.
27:36Fun, fun, fun, fun.
27:39It's the sun, sun, sun.
27:42I want to lie, shipwrecks, you call my toes, drinking fresh mango juice.
27:49Go with shows, dribbling up my toes.
27:53Fun, fun, fun.
27:55It's the sun, sun, sun.
27:59Fun, fun, fun, fun.
28:02It's the sun, sun, sun.
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