A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:00:00.
00:00:58Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:13Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:30Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:38Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:51Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:55Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:01Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:02My Feral King, I am sorry to interrupt your torturing.
00:02:07We have arrested more rebels who have been spreading the teachings of the Holy One.
00:02:21Bring these insurgents to me.
00:02:23Let me gaze upon their ugliness.
00:02:36Since I seized power, there is no other god but me.
00:02:42Our economy does not work, Rodan.
00:02:44Few work, none share.
00:02:46It is only if we embrace the teachings of Cloyster that we will learn there are greater treasures looking outward
00:02:50than in.
00:02:53Take them to the marketplace and hang them.
00:02:55Let the cloud of sea insurrection will not be tolerated.
00:03:06Get out of the way, you dogs.
00:03:21Get out of the way, you dogs.
00:03:45Come on!
00:03:49We'll escape and one day return to free our people.
00:04:07I'll set a cause for the ship of our birth.
00:04:10May Cloyster watch over us.
00:04:38May Cloyster watch over us.
00:04:41May Cloyster watch over us.
00:05:11hey guys sir may I be frank for some time now we've been growing rather
00:05:17concerned about you me why
00:05:23I've noticed of late you've been drinking slightly more than your usual
00:05:27half a brewery a day Ben would you cry
00:05:37also I can't help but notice that in the morning you've often had a midnight snack
00:05:41sort of the odd ice cream waffle sandwich some cheesy fries and a beer milkshake followed by a
00:05:47main course not always a main course sometimes I'm too drunk also sir you've been collecting
00:05:55rather a lot of junk what junk where's junk there's junk this isn't junk this is antiques
00:06:02salvage from cargo bay 15 I haven't been through any of that stuff yeah I've already found music
00:06:07for rocking dads knitting for beginners and an I love boy band badge in pristine condition
00:06:14what happened to you bud you're a wreck then perhaps I should use my Swedish massage chair
00:06:20that doesn't have batteries no one is blaming you sir you're carrying an enormous burden the
00:06:27future of the human race is entirely in your well hands lower danglier and you're deflecting from
00:06:39the real issue by finding false interest to distract you how cool is this what's your point crying I have
00:06:48a solution sir to your last human alive dilemma an issue that's clearly driving you to the brink of
00:06:54insanity look at this sabootio the partick thistle awake it someone would probably kill for this you're
00:07:02looking at him give me that now this is a little unconventional I grant you but with a meditech we
00:07:08salvage from the Delta 7 what I'm about to suggest is quite possible so I implore you both to give
00:07:15it
00:07:15your full and proper consideration both what's it's got to do with me well sir what if you had
00:07:22a sex change operation let me finish and became a woman let me finish mr. Lister and yourself could
00:07:34then do the necessary let me finish and produce a child together have you been drying your head in the
00:07:51tumble dryer again with the meditech making a woman is a relatively straightforward procedure sir
00:07:57involving just a few snips and a bit of folding where does the folding fit in to make your lady
00:08:06garden sir and with my long history with sheets you know how good I am at folding dude what you're
00:08:15suggesting is anatomically impossible with the meditech sir it's perfectly possible let me put it this way
00:08:21I'd never be able to get the plane off the runway if you get me drift wait a minute are
00:08:27you saying if
00:08:28I was a woman I wouldn't be hot but if I was a woman you wouldn't be in no plane
00:08:32you'd be on Apollo 13
00:08:34baby your tongue would be hanging out your mouth like an old dog cat I wouldn't be attracted to you
00:08:43if
00:08:43you were the most beautiful woman in the world because I'm not attracted to you in fact this whole crazy
00:08:48idea would have a better chance of working if it was me that had the sex change operation because
00:08:52let's face it you'd go with anyone wait hold on are you saying that you'd make a hotter woman to
00:09:01me
00:09:01I'd make a better woman than you I'm more empathetic intuitive I'm nicer have you never seen my legs
00:09:11cat I'm not gonna get in some stupid macho who'd make the hottest woman Barney okay
00:09:18although I know for a fact that it'd be me the greatest of Roger in his own is what my
00:09:23mirror
00:09:25it's the brain and what with me having one that puts you in a huge disadvantage guy
00:09:29right follow me ladies following you sir
00:09:59what are you doing I'm following you sir as requested sir I don't mean follow me like you're a private
00:10:06eye
00:10:06are you imbecile I mean accompany me to my destination
00:10:09apologies sir I sometimes wonder if you behave like a cretin on purpose as a means of thumbing
00:10:15your nose at my authority engaging lie mode my mode engage sir I assure you my acting like a cretin
00:10:21is no act my mode cancel you're lying engaging lie mode my mode engage I most certainly am not sir
00:10:29cancel my mode I can hear you engaging lie mode did I say all that out loud yes I knew
00:10:35I needed a service
00:10:36not now you rusty idiot I need you follow me did I say that out loud say what excellent
00:10:47that green dot thing on the scanner screaming towards us at near light speed what is it
00:10:51what appears to be either some kind of ship or a missile which allow me to carry out some tests
00:11:01sir
00:11:05what are you doing I'm waiting to see if red dwarf explodes sir if it doesn't I think we can
00:11:13presume it's a ship
00:11:18it's a ship it's giving off some kind of transmission but it's extremely faint any suggestions it's a long shot
00:11:26sir but have you considered turning up the volume
00:11:31no one likes a smart Alex Crichton it's smart Alex sir the phrase is based on the exploits of Alec
00:11:38Hogue
00:11:39a celebrated con artist from 1840s New York that's as maybe we still can't understand this message though can we
00:11:45mr.
00:11:45smarmy pants the phrase is in fact smarty pants sir it was first used in nine just fix the distortion
00:11:52before I distort you
00:11:55distortion is usually caused by some form of interference of the process signal big words my mechanoid friend but for
00:12:03all your cleverness and despite being as well hung as action man
00:12:07it's not really getting us anywhere is it this is an SOS distress call is anyone out there our ship
00:12:15has run out of fuel and we're presently hiding from our federal overlords on a transport vessel called the ironstone
00:12:19please help us we're in great danger
00:12:22an SOS distress call I'll try and re-establish a link sir sod them Crichton we've reached an age now
00:12:30where it's time to enjoy the home comforts and curl up by a winter fire and keep taking our various
00:12:34medications to keep us
00:12:35sprightly not bored derelict ships and have to flee from giant genetically engineered man-eating cheese
00:12:44well I'm sure mr. Lister won't agree with you sir don't tell him then in fact erase all memory of
00:12:51the distress call from your memory that's an order yes sir
00:12:56did you do it did I do what sir did you erase the SOS distress call from your memory we've
00:13:03received an SOS distress
00:13:04distress call damn why did I say that right erase all memory of me asking you to erase all memory
00:13:11of
00:13:11the SOS distress call from your memory that's another order yes sir have you have I what sir have you
00:13:19just
00:13:20done what I asked you to do you mean have I fixed the distortion why would I be fixing the
00:13:25distortion
00:13:27sir I think we've received an SOS distress call
00:13:31erase that for your memory too that's another order erasing distortion order sir what's the last thing you remember you
00:13:39want me to follow you sir how did I get here we were in the corridor I knew I needed
00:13:45a service
00:13:47excellent guys guys you're never gonna guess what we found me and cat you see I told you it wasn't
00:13:51all junk in the sleeping quarters
00:13:52I refuse to even step into that toxic cesspit of filth
00:13:57what have you found sir holly spare disc the defense rests
00:14:02holly had a spare disc well where is it let's get it installed
00:14:21that's his disc back in the day this is the forefront of advanced technology I bet people couldn't believe how
00:14:27they'd managed to cram his entire operating system and such a teeny weenie disc
00:14:32hold on but where's it gonna go we're looking for a slight bigger than the incredible hoax but crack I
00:14:40always wondered what this was for
00:14:52what are we waiting for let's get holly booted up okay bring her out to me to me
00:15:00higher higher higher higher and push
00:15:04push
00:15:10it still works
00:15:15it's connecting to the ship
00:15:25it's connecting to the ship
00:15:31my name is holly holly it's us
00:15:33you're back dude
00:15:34I am red dwarf's computer
00:15:37I have an IQ of six thousand
00:15:38what's wrong with him
00:15:40he's been in the cargo bay for three million years
00:15:42leaning up against a damp wall
00:15:44I should have made him better not worse
00:15:47who are you
00:15:48please explain
00:15:48of course
00:15:50he's returned to factory settings
00:15:51he doesn't know who we are
00:15:53holly
00:15:54allow me to introduce myself
00:15:55I am first technician
00:15:57Arnold J. Rimmer
00:15:58BSC
00:15:59SSC
00:15:59acting senior officer of red dwarf
00:16:03this is Crichton
00:16:04an unimportant sanitation droid
00:16:06cat
00:16:08a felis sapien
00:16:09and Lister
00:16:10a human
00:16:10or so he maintains
00:16:13I can't find any record of Crichton
00:16:15or a cat
00:16:16in the ship's manifest
00:16:17no records
00:16:19I've won best ass on board for 30 years straight
00:16:23that's cause they weren't part of the original crew hall
00:16:25cat descended from domestic house cats
00:16:28and we found Crichton on this crashed ship
00:16:30the Nova 5
00:16:30he was looking after three skeletons
00:16:32totally unhinged
00:16:35but now I'm on red dwarf
00:16:36fitting right in
00:16:38are you aware of the role I perform
00:16:41hologram rimmer
00:16:41you're the red dwarf computer holly
00:16:43you control the ship
00:16:44I'm also tasked with appraising red dwarf's worth
00:16:47to the Jupiter miner corporation
00:16:49and decommissioning it if it serves no useful purpose
00:16:52oh god
00:16:54obviously this doesn't happen while a ship has a crew performing essential duties
00:16:58oh god
00:17:00or even performing duties to an adequate level
00:17:03oh god
00:17:05ah but holly
00:17:07if I may
00:17:07JMC protocol insists
00:17:09no ship may be decommissioned
00:17:11if it contains living crew members
00:17:13who are listed
00:17:14on the manifest
00:17:15alrighty then
00:17:16we're sorted
00:17:17I'm listed
00:17:18looking through the records crewman Lister
00:17:20I see you smug with an unquarantined cat on board
00:17:23as a result
00:17:24you have forfeited all your crew privileges
00:17:26including your rights of residency
00:17:28on red dwarf
00:17:29I will therefore decommission the ship
00:17:31meaning what
00:17:33red dwarf will be retired from active service
00:17:36he's crazy
00:17:37as part of this process
00:17:39the ship's nuclear reactors will be dumped in the nearest black hole
00:17:42along with the ship's hologram
00:17:51he's starting to win me around
00:17:53you can't dump me in a black hole
00:17:55I have my rights
00:17:56we want to appeal
00:17:57maybe not all of us
00:17:59I will begin the deactivation process
00:18:02due to the complexity of this operation
00:18:04it will take seven days
00:18:14Crichton said you wanted to see me
00:18:16yeah I need your advice
00:18:17this door keeps jamming
00:18:19and do you want to repair this now?
00:18:23I've no record of a malfunctioning door in airlock seven
00:18:26ah well maybe the feedback system's down as well home
00:18:28we'll check it out yeah?
00:18:35cover your mouth
00:18:37he can't hear us?
00:18:39he may have an IQ of 6,000
00:18:41but is he as smart as us when we pull our heads together?
00:18:44not even close
00:18:46look out in the gormless gimp
00:18:49can't hear a word we say
00:18:54so what are we going to do?
00:18:55no choice
00:18:56we're going to have to shut him down
00:18:57but how?
00:18:59EMP
00:19:01electromagnetic pulse weapon?
00:19:03everything shuts down
00:19:04we uninstall Holly
00:19:06then we toss the dozy wazzock back on the garbage pile he came from
00:19:13Crichton's working on the EMP right now
00:19:15in the mineral ore storage bay
00:19:17set to go off at noon
00:19:18give us 60 seconds
00:19:20it's supposed to be fixing this door
00:19:22so let's look busy
00:19:22eh?
00:19:32all fixed now ho
00:19:35just for the record
00:19:36I heard every word you said in there
00:19:38dozy wazzock
00:19:39gormless gimp
00:19:40everything
00:19:41what about stupid bald git?
00:19:43you didn't say that in there
00:19:44no but I'm saying it now
00:19:46an EMP
00:19:47I know your plan
00:19:48it's not happening
00:19:50oh really?
00:19:51and where's Crichton?
00:19:52he's in the MOS
00:19:53detonating a meteorite
00:19:55to create electromagnetic energy
00:19:57to take out the ship's grid
00:19:59at noon
00:19:59which is precisely ten seconds from now
00:20:02and it ain't the damn thing you can do to stop him baldy
00:20:07tonight's the night
00:20:09tonight's the night
00:20:10tonight's the night
00:20:11you said 12am sir
00:20:1312am noon
00:20:14what 12am is midnight sir
00:20:16is it?
00:20:18i thought 12am was noon
00:20:19no that's 12pm sir
00:20:21oh
00:20:23the mineral ore storage bay is now sealed off until further notice
00:20:27also your seven day leaving period has been reduced to seven minutes
00:20:33what are we gonna do now?
00:20:35we have to take starbug and find a new ship
00:20:38oh screw your head on Crichton
00:20:39we haven't passed a ship in yonks
00:20:40but that's not strictly true
00:20:42in fact we passed one yesterday
00:20:43we did?
00:20:45why didn't you tell us sir?
00:20:46i did Crichton
00:20:47i told you
00:20:47oh come on
00:20:49i knew i needed a service
00:20:52if we fire up the bayonet we can catch that ship
00:20:55in a couple of days
00:21:20if we fire up the bayonet on starbug
00:21:22we can catch that ship in a couple of days
00:21:25the thing about space
00:21:27don't say it's big
00:21:28it is big
00:21:29it's really big
00:21:3194 billion light years in diameter in fact
00:21:33sometimes i can't find stuff in our fridge
00:21:35and that's only three feet in diameter
00:21:38wait i'm getting something
00:21:40i don't think it's the ship that passed red dwarf
00:21:42it's something else
00:21:43some kind of deep space reconnaissance ship
00:21:46hands shaking now
00:21:47the ship is called the iron star
00:21:50and was built several hundred years after red dwarf
00:21:53with presumably
00:21:54all that brings in technological advances
00:22:03if this ship's a decent nick
00:22:05we could have struck gold here
00:22:06this could be our new home
00:22:08i'll download the iron star's floor plan
00:22:10and show you round
00:22:28the iron star
00:22:30obviously needs some tlc
00:22:32but it's the perfect ship for those crews looking for a project
00:22:36and most importantly there's no forward chain
00:22:42the aar is now complete
00:22:44it is now safe to remove helmets
00:22:46how come hammerhead gets to stay on star bug
00:22:49space core directive 76239
00:22:53extreme caution should be taken on the naturist deck
00:22:55when peeling carrots
00:22:59derelict ships have to be made safe before the senior officer ventures on board
00:23:04hey
00:23:05what's this
00:23:12what is that place
00:23:15i believe it's their hologram projection suite sir
00:23:19it looks like the iron star was able to sustain multiple holograms
00:23:23they had tech way in advance of anything on red dwarf
00:23:26yeah
00:23:27it doesn't look like you have to wind up anything round here
00:23:29so how'd i do it
00:23:31a form of quantum energy known as diamond light
00:23:35it enables holograms to have unimaginable powers
00:23:39i'll be right down
00:23:47what's this
00:23:49it creates a force field around food you've elected not to eat
00:23:52must be some can of slimming aid
00:23:54it's on the no meat vegan setting
00:23:56smart cutlery
00:23:58oh thanks
00:23:58i like me cutlery stupid
00:24:03so what does this tech do
00:24:04can it upgrade my light b
00:24:05well according to the notes
00:24:07it gives holograms the ability to manipulate light in all its forms
00:24:11what the hell does that mean
00:24:13i'm not exactly sure
00:24:14i suggest we take the tech back to star bug and conduct further tests
00:24:19before we embark on an untested pathway
00:24:21i'm not waiting while you conduct your namby pamby european space agency safety tests
00:24:27with me having to go before a committee of meddling grey suited bureau droids
00:24:31and answer multiple choice questions on where i'm most likely to find a croissant
00:24:37i'll take my chances now thank you so much
00:24:39sir
00:24:40this is technology we're unfamiliar with
00:24:43we need more time to evaluate if it's safe
00:24:47crichton
00:24:48i want the upgrade now
00:24:50and that's an order
00:24:53deactivate
00:25:08you sure this is safe
00:25:11perhaps i'm over worrying sir
00:25:13after all
00:25:14what's the worst that can happen
00:25:15i'm making the list
00:25:16i'm up to 10 already
00:25:18make that 11
00:25:32what's going on i'm back to soft light
00:25:34no need to panic sir
00:25:35i believe it's just going through the gears
00:25:46with every jump i feel stronger better more powerful
00:25:52it's still going
00:25:53i haven't felt this amazing since i catalogued all my books on obsessive compulsive disorder using the dewey decimal system
00:26:05congratulations sir
00:26:06you've upgraded to diamond light
00:26:08how do you feel
00:26:10incredible
00:26:13i wonder
00:26:27i can change objects into light
00:26:29and transfer them back to their solid state again
00:26:32soft and hard light working together in perfect quantum harmony
00:26:37wait
00:26:54oh
00:27:10i'm a superhero
00:27:12i need a name
00:27:14glitter guy
00:27:18no something better
00:27:20the mighty light
00:27:21i've never felt so powerful
00:27:24so utterly amazed
00:27:30mighty light
00:27:31more like shitey sprite
00:27:40what happened
00:27:41as you know
00:27:42we chose not to carry out european space agency safety checks
00:27:46as a consequence the power surge has fried your battery
00:27:49your light be won't hold any charge
00:27:52the only way of powering you up now is from an independent power source
00:27:57i'm plugged in
00:27:58without being plugged in
00:28:00you have just a few minutes of charge time left
00:28:03from glitter guy to the cable kid
00:28:06and once your charge is spent
00:28:07it's almost certain you'll shut down permanently
00:28:10though i'm not getting my hopes up
00:28:12why on earth did we do the transfer without carrying out the proper safety tests
00:28:16well because you ordered me not to sir
00:28:18yes but why did you listen to me
00:28:20you know i often don't know what i'm talking about
00:28:22and when i don't it's your job to say something
00:28:24i did try sir
00:28:26clearly not hard enough
00:28:28you are on report
00:28:31right
00:28:32right
00:28:32and 2x4b
00:28:35offence
00:28:39listening
00:28:40to
00:28:41me
00:28:44come on let's check out the rest of the ship
00:28:46are we moving in or what
00:28:47and what am i supposed to do stay here
00:28:49oh you can come to just use the extension leads
00:28:53yeah
00:28:54i'm acting senior officer on this ship
00:28:56i have a certain standing dignity and stature
00:29:00i'm not an electric hedge trimmer
00:29:03ah
00:29:26is this the right way
00:29:28i think we might have taken a wrong turn sir
00:29:30whichever way we go just make sure there are enough plug sockets
00:29:34i'm sure we've been this way before
00:29:37oh sorry
00:29:41what were they?
00:29:42some people
00:29:43what?
00:29:47it's him
00:29:48the holy puppadum
00:29:49he has come back
00:29:51as predicted by the book of smeg
00:29:54i can speak
00:29:56a miracle
00:30:04guys
00:30:05guys get up get up
00:30:06who are you?
00:30:07i i am brother soul
00:30:09i'm sister luna
00:30:10sister peanut
00:30:11i can speak
00:30:12i've come before
00:30:13because of you
00:30:15what are you doing here?
00:30:16we are fleeing
00:30:17from the feral cats who seek to kill us for
00:30:19spreading your teachings
00:30:22wait
00:30:22do you think i'm some kind of god?
00:30:24we don't think holy puppadum we know
00:30:27ever since i was a child i've had three meals of indaloo a day
00:30:30as the sacred writing said we must
00:30:32only then will we be rid of the evil inside of us
00:30:35you did what?
00:30:37listen
00:30:38there's been a massive misunderstanding based on half truths and
00:30:43misunderstanding
00:30:44i'm just a man
00:30:46no one special
00:30:47a nobody really
00:30:48come on guys back me up here
00:30:49he's less than nobody
00:30:51an absolute zero
00:30:52it's as we always imagined
00:30:55truly humble
00:30:55you have been such an inspiration to us holy puppadum as our society fell to the ferals and their tyrannical
00:31:03regime
00:31:03ferals?
00:31:05cats
00:31:05like you and i brother but vain and shallow creatures who share nothing and care about nobody but themselves
00:31:12there are people out there like that?
00:31:15but fear not holy puppadum for we have stolen the anubis stone
00:31:20which holds untold powers to whoever possesses it
00:31:26anubis
00:31:26who's he?
00:31:27a creature with the head of a cat who embalmed the dead
00:31:31according to the scriptures
00:31:32he who possesses the sacred stone shall fend off his enemies and lead his people to the promised land
00:31:41what is it?
00:31:42well on first look i thought it was surrenderbite
00:31:45one of the most precious minerals in the universe
00:31:48but on closer inspection i realized it's varnished beetle dung
00:31:54not so precious then
00:31:56it is to them
00:31:57we are so blessed to have finally met our holy puppadum
00:32:04cloister
00:32:05david cloister
00:32:06cloister cloister
00:32:07cloister
00:32:08cloister
00:32:08cloister
00:32:09david cloister
00:32:11cloister
00:32:12cloister
00:32:12cloister
00:32:12cloister
00:32:13guys guys
00:32:14let's take this from the top
00:32:16my name isn't cloister it's Lister
00:32:19david
00:32:22freelancer
00:32:22kĆ¼Ć§
00:32:23okay
00:32:28so years ago
00:32:30A sermon.
00:32:31A sermon in the corridor.
00:32:34All right.
00:32:35Years ago...
00:32:36Sir, may I have a word?
00:32:38What, now?
00:32:39One minute, guys.
00:32:42You can't tell them the truth.
00:32:44But I have to.
00:32:46These notters think I'm their god.
00:32:48Sir, if you tell them the truth, you'll break their hearts and crush their souls.
00:32:55Oh, you're right.
00:32:57I have to play along.
00:32:58Act like a god.
00:32:59Act like a god.
00:33:01You've scarcely mastered human.
00:33:03Well, they surely won't be with us for long.
00:33:05What harm can it do?
00:33:07Oh, what's this?
00:33:08Energy signature.
00:33:09Incoming.
00:33:09Some kind of boarding party beaming in.
00:33:12Hey, catbirds.
00:33:13Are you being followed?
00:33:14The ferals.
00:33:16They're here.
00:33:17And they will not rest until we have meowed our last.
00:33:21We beseech you.
00:33:22Holy Papa, don't protect us.
00:33:24Hang on.
00:33:25How do we know they're not bait?
00:33:26Bait?
00:33:27Who's the fish?
00:33:28Look in the mirror and do this.
00:33:32You know what?
00:33:33I've got to help them.
00:33:34After all, they are my followers.
00:33:37My friends, be not afraid.
00:33:41Follow me.
00:33:43Be not afraid?
00:33:44This godlark's gone straight to his head.
00:33:57No, it'd be this way.
00:33:59Thy went left when thy meant to go right.
00:34:16Wait for me.
00:34:28So it's you who shelter our runway clerics.
00:34:32Who the hell are you?
00:34:36I am the commander of the armies of the Feral Guards.
00:34:40General.
00:34:42Of the Felis Legions.
00:34:43Feral King.
00:34:45And one goddamn gorgeous pussycat.
00:34:51Where is the Anubis Stone?
00:34:54Come on now.
00:34:55Give it up.
00:34:57Or you shall die.
00:34:59And after your dead, we will present your bloody corpses to our people as a gift.
00:35:05A pamper-me-bath and candle set often hits the mark, too.
00:35:10Who wants to die first?
00:35:12If it's okay with everyone, I'd like to go ninth.
00:35:15Challenge!
00:35:16Cat, traitor.
00:35:17Whore, man.
00:35:19Bitch of the people.
00:35:20How come this guy can't stand me?
00:35:22He's only known me for 20 seconds.
00:35:24You thought we were just saving time?
00:35:27You can't harm anyone anymore, Rodan.
00:35:29Look who was with us.
00:35:31Cloyster, the god of our people.
00:35:34Thappy eye.
00:35:35God who has created nothing but hate and division and war and death.
00:35:39I've done some other stuff, too.
00:35:41If I allow you to live,
00:35:43my sovereignty would dribble through my fingers like fine brains of kitty litter.
00:35:48You must die.
00:35:49Look, what is it that you guys want?
00:35:51The Anubis Stone.
00:35:53Ah.
00:35:53Well, we had that.
00:35:54We did have it,
00:35:55but then we lost it.
00:35:57Didn't we, my followers?
00:35:59No, we didn't.
00:36:00It is here.
00:36:01And now we are protected by our holy Papa John.
00:36:04We will never give up the stone.
00:36:05Never.
00:36:06Ever.
00:36:08Get the stone.
00:36:10Me, my feral king.
00:36:12You are my royal aide, aren't you?
00:36:13I'm more of a food and dining services sort of aide.
00:36:17Having trouble putting on a bow tie, that's not me.
00:36:20Getting mystical stones off people, it's not really me either.
00:36:23Get the stone.
00:36:23Right away, my feral king.
00:36:25Try and take the stone and Cloyster's wrath will be vented.
00:36:28Hail will rain down.
00:36:30Plagues unleashed.
00:36:31Men will be turned into slabs of salt.
00:36:33Yeah, not just normal salt, like low-sodium sea salt.
00:36:37Go get the goddamn stone.
00:36:39On my way.
00:36:39Here I go.
00:36:41Excuse me.
00:36:42Sorry.
00:36:43Coming through.
00:36:44Nice to meet you.
00:36:46Sorry.
00:36:46Sorry.
00:36:47Coming through.
00:36:47Watch what happens now as they defy the will of our holy Poppadon.
00:37:03Flush him out of an airlock.
00:37:05Let the cab people witness the consequences of questioning my sovereignty.
00:37:19Captain.
00:37:21What?
00:37:23What?
00:37:42vegan forks they won't let us stab meat we can only stab tofu and processed meat substitutes
00:37:49sir some lettuce catch
00:37:54not so confident now are you
00:38:01ah okay i'm dropping the letters mr where are you
00:38:27where are they
00:38:29i grow weary waiting destroy the iron star
00:38:33but my outfit two of your party are still on board
00:38:36send fish to them mamas
00:38:39launch the meow missiles
00:39:03i'm unplugged i've only got a minute or so left
00:39:05have faith
00:39:11how are we doing holy popadum are we passing your test
00:39:23and his wrath was mighty
00:39:26we need to get to starbuck we'll use the lift
00:39:29but you're not supposed to use lifts at times like this
00:39:31no that's just fires when you're on disintegrating spaceships no one minds
00:40:03engines on
00:40:06retro's on
00:40:08we are out of here
00:40:27the iron star is disintegrating
00:40:29we've got to get out of the debris field
00:40:34something's caught us
00:40:35it's debris here to the stern section sir we're on fire
00:40:38the ship is on fire it's leaked from the fuel tanks
00:40:41we're going to explode
00:40:43no choice
00:40:44stand by for module separation
00:40:49uncoupling
00:40:50now
00:40:56stand ejected
00:40:58excellent quick thinking listy
00:40:59just one question
00:41:01how are you proposing to fly what remains of the ship
00:41:04when all the engines are in the bit you've just ejected
00:41:07i'm probably worrying needlessly i know
00:41:10to be honest i didn't have an amazing amount of time to go through every option
00:41:13you mean like use a fire extinguisher
00:41:15use a fire extinguisher that could have worked too
00:41:18i just thought at the time ships on fire get rid of the fiery bit
00:41:23get rid of the fiery bit worry about the flyy bit later
00:41:27tomorrow's another day
00:41:29unfortunately we need to get past today to get to tomorrow
00:41:32and it's the today part of your wizzo escape plan that concerns me
00:41:36Crichton what's our present flight path
00:41:38it's down sir
00:41:41could you possibly be a bit more specific
00:41:43well it's straight down sir
00:41:46heading for that desert moon that's directly below us
00:41:48anyone know how to land a cockpit
00:41:50look there'll be a way
00:41:52Crichton'll know
00:41:52he always knows about stuff like this
00:41:54not absolutely always sir
00:41:56as i'm about to prove
00:41:58how come you don't know
00:41:59i thought you were meant to be a major astro
00:42:02that's the predictive text misspell for what he is
00:42:06what are we gonna do
00:42:07look owner's manual
00:42:08look for the owner's manual
00:42:10you'll find it with the server's history in the mot
00:42:13is this it
00:42:18oh this is interesting
00:42:20what
00:42:21apparently the infotainment touch screen has a pinch to zoom feature
00:42:26and delivers the richest audio visual entertainment in any low budget ship to planet transport vehicle to date
00:42:33who knew that
00:42:36look we're entering the upper atmosphere the ships not slow and down the atmosphere is too thin
00:42:40landing
00:42:41got it
00:42:42two forty seven
00:42:43forty three five
00:42:45forty seven
00:42:46launch parachute
00:42:48parachute
00:42:49launching parachute
00:42:52launching parachute
00:42:54what is the parachute
00:42:54there's no parachute
00:42:55it's not here
00:42:56how can it not be here
00:42:57is the parachute that
00:43:00big shiny
00:43:01puffy piece of material
00:43:02with colored stripes
00:43:06you remove the emergency parachute to make yourself a puffer jacket
00:43:09not just a puffer
00:43:11i got a pair of mittens out of it too
00:43:15ew self what did you want me to do
00:43:18relax sirs
00:43:19there's an emergency backup
00:43:21is there
00:43:21or is the backup parachute now hanging in your wardrobe
00:43:24next to your leather jacket made out of the ejector seats
00:43:27when have i ever had two suits the same
00:43:29i used one parachute
00:43:32launching parachute
00:43:38retro's on
00:43:46touchdown in five seconds brace for impact
00:44:10starbug has landed
00:44:11permission to go into ape shit mode
00:44:14permission granted
00:44:21what now
00:44:22oh we've got to take stock
00:44:23food water fuel what have we got
00:44:25food none
00:44:27water none
00:44:28fuel
00:44:29fuel
00:44:30fuel
00:44:42none
00:44:44fuel
00:45:11my alpha I'm sorry to interrupt you knocking things off a table but an
00:45:16escape ship has been detected fleeing from the Iron Star there's every reason to
00:45:20suspect it is piloted by the humans also worryingly the Anubis stone appears to
00:45:25be nothing more than varnished beetle done so they still have the real Anubis
00:45:29stone find them my alpha a fresh scratching post my king
00:45:53so after cleverly jettisoning the engines and all the ship's fuel very much looking
00:45:58forward to list these screw-up part duh look there's no need to panic I've been in holes
00:46:03before and got out of it remember that radiation leak on red dwarf it killed the
00:46:07entire crew including me but I got out of it proving my point sorry to disturb you
00:46:16no we just wanted to congratulate you on your expert landing you know when the
00:46:20ship was on fire some of us we're starting to have doubts but we knew you
00:46:24would save us HP you are truly amazing are you guys what are these ragamuffins
00:46:29like okay so what's your plan now holy Papa Dom create another amazing miracle
00:46:33so we can escape and find the promised land working on it now sister Luna got lots
00:46:39of ideas floating around the almighty brain box just want to come up with
00:46:43something truly special can't wait neither can we anyway I've got to get on
00:46:50anything else yeah one question giving birth why did you make it hurt and why did
00:46:55you make babies cry at night rather than just during the day when everyone's
00:46:58awake that's two questions oh I got one why do we have to bathe wouldn't it be easier just
00:47:05to make us all nonstick and um how come we can't turn our head 360 degrees wouldn't that
00:47:13made reversing bit easier and male genitals did you did you run out of time look all good
00:47:22questions terrific questions but I've got to get on I'm really busy I've got to save us and then
00:47:28there's a whole bunch of people I've got to forgive so you know yeah cool so of course we must
00:47:32leave
00:47:33you to create your next miracle of wonderment exactly what am I gonna do they're relying on me
00:47:41sir a thought occurs if we crash-landed perhaps some of the iron star crash-landed too so or so
00:47:49if we can find some of the debris maybe it can offer us a way off this rock wait the
00:47:54iron star
00:47:55had working teleporters right precisely we're in two-thirds of a spaceship with no fuel how are we
00:48:00supposed to find this debris well I'll read the owner's manual see if I can find anything oh this is
00:48:07interesting don't tell me the heated seats have a massage function you've read it too
00:48:25listen to them I can't bear this good enough to tell them I really am but sir why they believe
00:48:32in
00:48:32you they have hope if you tell them the truth it'll destroy them you're right I can't tell them you've
00:48:38got to me why me they'll be better coming from you how so I won't have to be there be
00:48:46there to see
00:48:47the silent disappointment in their eyes remembering your history with women I'd have thought you'd be
00:48:52immune to that by now have you finished was said by no woman to you as I'm a god I'll
00:49:08forgive you for
00:49:09that what's the point of telling them what's in it for us it's not about us remember it's about them
00:49:15they're relying on me to pull some supernatural wonder I mean magic miracle box if they knew the
00:49:19truth at least they stopped depending on me and start thinking for themselves I've never thought
00:49:25for myself and it's never done me any harm but you did dead because you didn't question the order to
00:49:31repair an unrepairable drive plate you didn't think for yourself my body may be dead but my personality
00:49:37was resurrected to act as a hologrammatic mentor to you and you know why out of the entire crew I
00:49:43was
00:49:43selected to return yeah Holly was nuts because I never think for myself I obey orders and I always
00:49:50carry a pen that's a creed I've lived by my whole life it's a creed that takes you places yeah
00:49:56straight
00:49:56through the cremation curtain and into an errand thinking for yourself is surely the greatest lesson
00:50:02of all that's why I taught it to you quite it transformed my life and allowed me to become so
00:50:08much more than just a sanitation droid and I could do the same for these nut jobs so go on
00:50:12get out there
00:50:13tell him who I really am I've had some bad news I think you should all sit down oh you
00:50:26are oh well
00:50:27perhaps sit down and hold on then right here goes mr. Lister there's something you should know you see
00:50:36well the thing is he's the most wonderful amazing man I've ever met I absolutely adore him I thought
00:50:46I should put you straight on that how'd it go you tell him after everything you've done for me sir
00:50:57I
00:50:57just couldn't I'll go again I must apologize last time I told you mr. Lister was the most wonderful
00:51:09amazing man that's not quite the whole picture in fact he's staggering the incredible you tell them
00:51:25I'm hopeless at telling them what's the problem I just can't bring myself to criticize you sir
00:51:30well someone's gonna tell him I'm a cat they're cats let me take care of this yo buzz what is
00:51:42it with
00:51:43you guys that guy in there ain't your God he ain't nobody did he not go into stasis and save
00:51:50the mother
00:51:51of our people well okay did that did he not refuse to betray her to the authorities and now we
00:51:58live
00:52:00well okay did that too and did he not give me the power of speech when before I had no
00:52:06such gift
00:52:47come of the hour cometh the man I once did a course in the art of breaking bad news I
00:52:54came top of the
00:52:54class I was particularly proud of one of the simulation scenarios where I had to tell a man who just
00:53:00regained
00:53:00consciousness that the emergency rescue team hadn't found his penis
00:53:13although sadly his dog had
00:53:21watch and learn
00:53:25right you not I'm cutting straight to the chase you've devoted your lives to worshiping a
00:53:31feckless a piece of debris landed thank you holy copper dog we are truly blessed another miracle how is a
00:53:44huge chunk of press spaceship hercling towards us at a thousand miles an hour a miracle it is not for
00:53:49us to question I think it probably is
00:54:00the baby working teleporters on there did you know the landing retro swivel and can be used as a makeshift
00:54:06hovercraft that's all very well but we don't have any fuel according to the manual starbug is a hybrid
00:54:14sir we can switch to electric then what are we waiting for hovercraft mode engaging now guys go
00:54:22strap yourselves back in nothing's happening what's electric it doesn't make any engine noise sir
00:54:32it's already started okay let's go
00:54:47how much charge have we got according to the readouts 57 percent sir excellent however as we
00:54:54don't know how long our journey might take to conserve power I suggest we travel on eco mode
00:54:59I hope you're paying attention Lister here is someone with a brain larger than a pea coming up
00:55:04with a rescue strategy that's thought through and intelligent I also suggest we turn off all
00:55:09non-essential electrical you mean me not just you sir there's the air conditioning the lights the
00:55:19seat warmers and where do I come on this list above seat warmers but below aircon are you out of
00:55:25your
00:55:25man we need those seat warmers the desert gets chilly at night sir could I suggest you enter low power
00:55:33mode
00:55:34low power mode I hate low power mode my vision standard deaf I can only hear in mono and when
00:55:39there's electronic interference I wind up looking all snowy it's the only way to preserve what's left of
00:55:45starbucks charge sir wow look at him he looks like an old movie you don't want to watch okay no
00:55:56need to
00:55:56say anything but this is freaky bird it's like seeing a tortoise without its shell hello I'm here
00:56:03I can hear all this but he's not real is he you forget I am real of course I'm real
00:56:08yeah but you're
00:56:09not really real you're dead this really brings it home you're creeping me out as the French philosopher
00:56:16RenƩ Descartes once said I think therefore I am je pense d'en je am but you don't think do
00:56:26you guys
00:56:27guys come on of course I think what are you talking about no you don't you don't decide what you
00:56:33do the
00:56:34computer in your life be does all your thinking for you there's no actual you to think or not think
00:56:39anything oh sir please can you stop being so catty there's no actual me to think or not think anything
00:56:49I've never actually thought about that I haven't got free will there have I so it's not I think
00:56:56therefore I am it's the computer thinks therefore I think I am I've never actually thought about that
00:57:04before and you're not thinking about it now it's your light beam making you think you're thinking about it
00:57:09Catman back to smeg off okay I don't actually exist then do I you see what you've done sir you've
00:57:17put
00:57:17Mr. Rimmer in existential crisis mode and look the added anxiety is consuming more of our battery guys if
00:57:26we're gonna get through this we need to stick together what's the point we're screwed well I'm not I don't
00:57:32exist
00:57:36what the hell was that the ferals they found us fire everything we have
00:57:47from the heat signature it's one ship coming in at six o'clock open the sunroof there's no point
00:57:53I forgot to bring my surrender flag I take it everywhere with me and on the one day I think
00:57:57I won't need it
00:57:59we're not surrendering Cat stand on the chair and start blasting out the emergency escape hatch wait
00:58:05more trouble coming in from port side I'm getting it too sir it's a sandstorm at 4.9 on the
00:58:11Stanley
00:58:11scale three miles high and 60 miles wide not according to this it's 6.3 on the Stanley scale
00:58:17and it's coming in the starboard side is it possible we could be looking at two sandstorms both heading
00:58:23towards us from opposite sides we're gonna be the filling in a sandstorm sandwich quite likely
00:58:28outcome if we get hit paintwork damage and front panel replacement required on both sides sir what
00:58:34about cover getting in short at this point ain't gonna solve anything cover from the sandstorms you
00:58:39brainless cretin and to answer your question the nearest cover is the debris up ahead sir can we reach it
00:58:45in
00:58:45time I don't believe we can we need to go faster we're flat out full power okay only one thing
00:58:59for
00:58:59it gotta fly into the sandstorm what have you lost your mind a couple of miles in we'll kill all
00:59:05power
00:59:05they'll never find us they'll never find us because we'll be sandstorm soup there could be a tornado of
00:59:10debris parts in there have you got a better idea lister fly into the sandstorm and that's an order
00:59:41nothing to do now but just sit tight and wait for it to blow over how long is that gonna
00:59:45take
00:59:46could be days I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing what do you mean hanging on draining
00:59:53starbucks battery maybe it would be better if I just pull my own plug and be done with it but
00:59:58if
00:59:58you're powered down you'd be dead I'm already dead why am I here what's the point of me the only
01:00:04reason I was ever brought back it was because I was diametrically opposite to you I don't fit in
01:00:09no one likes me people like you of course they like you name one person on red dwarf who likes
01:00:16me
01:00:17oh come on I'm not getting into a naming contest remember people on board that like you name one
01:00:25oh come on name one okay um what about scutter on b-deck he likes you the one who's mental
01:00:35the one who eats shoes he still likes you um that dispenser on c-deck the one that leaks
01:00:45that likes you it likes everyone it's leaky who else Crichton Crichton does not like me he thinks
01:00:54I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic power-hungry control freak but he still likes you admirers you even
01:01:00he told me he liked and admired you just the other day yeah what did he say that he liked
01:01:06and admired
01:01:07you just the other day really really a warm drink sir don't ask where from it'll taste
01:01:16better that way not now we're in the middle of something mr. was saying you like and admire me
01:01:22Crichton is that true look he nodded he didn't move that was a proper nod a definite seven degree
01:01:32vertical tilt how could you miss that look he did it again and again Crichton do you like me
01:01:46what do you there you go what did i tell you if that'll be all sirs i think i'll go
01:02:08and change heads
01:02:09I think I may just have ruined this one.
01:02:17You must think I'm stupid.
01:02:19Give me one reason why I shouldn't unplug right now.
01:02:23Whoa! Whoa!
01:02:25Look, we need you.
01:02:27I need you.
01:02:29Why?
01:02:30You know, to bounce off. You know, ideas and stuff.
01:02:34You don't need me.
01:02:36I'm not sure you ever did.
01:02:38I don't exist. What's the point of me?
01:02:42Remember, we're the posse.
01:02:43We're the boys from the dwarf.
01:02:45We're like the four musketeers.
01:02:47D'Artagnan, Portos, Athos...
01:02:50And the other one.
01:02:52Remember, you're the other one.
01:02:54I'm the other one?
01:02:55You do all the stuff that the other one does.
01:02:57And what's that, then?
01:02:58Other one stuff.
01:02:59Other one stuff? What's other one stuff?
01:03:02All the stuff that the others haven't done
01:03:04that the other one does.
01:03:07I'm pointless.
01:03:09No, you're not.
01:03:13You know what?
01:03:14I'll tell you the point of view.
01:03:16A moon cannot make light, right?
01:03:19And yet there's such a thing as moonlight.
01:03:22It's light reflected off a moon from a sun.
01:03:25Yeah, but the sun can't make moonlight without the moon.
01:03:28And the moon can't make moonlight without the sun.
01:03:31So who's making the moonlight?
01:03:33They both are.
01:03:35Which means that even though a moon cannot make light,
01:03:40moonlight exists.
01:03:42Like you,
01:03:44smeghead.
01:03:49I'll tell you what.
01:04:13I'm glad.
01:04:17Hmm...
01:04:18Oh. Time to wake up, sirs.
01:04:20The sandstorm has blown over. It's morning, sirs.
01:04:26OK, a new day, a new dawn.
01:04:29Let's crack on, see if we can find this teleporter, yeah?
01:04:32That doesn't appear to be possible, sir.
01:04:34What do you mean?
01:04:35Well, the sandstorm has buried us alive.
01:04:38Are you sure? Has anyone been outside to check?
01:04:41If we could get outside to check, we wouldn't be buried alive.
01:04:44We'd just be parked in a large hole.
01:04:46How buried are we, Krites? If it was only a couple of feet,
01:04:49maybe we could force open the emergency escape hatch in the roof.
01:04:51Well, permission to go on a recce, sir.
01:04:55And how are you planning on doing that?
01:05:34Well, what did you discover?
01:05:36We're in the desert, sir. No question.
01:05:39We know that botched Botox injection head.
01:05:43What else?
01:05:44Well, there's no sign of the iron star debris, sirs,
01:05:47which means it's over the horizon at least three miles away.
01:05:50How far down are we?
01:05:52We're buried alive!
01:05:53I'm about as down as it's possible to be!
01:05:56About seven foot below ground level, sir,
01:05:58meaning the weight of sand makes it impossible for us to dislodge it.
01:06:04Sorry to disturb you.
01:06:05We were just wondering when you were going to perform your next miracle.
01:06:08It's just some of us are a bit tired, but I don't want to miss it.
01:06:13Go back to sleep, Sol.
01:06:14No miracles are planned for the next little whale.
01:06:17OK.
01:06:18I can't wait to see the next one.
01:06:19See you later, holy poppadum.
01:06:23How can they think I'm their god?
01:06:25I mean, look at the state of me.
01:06:26How could this have happened?
01:06:28Well, it happened because of a random act of kindness
01:06:31when you refused to allow your pet cat to be put down,
01:06:34an act that not only saved your own life,
01:06:36but created a new species.
01:06:38Who wouldn't have done that, though?
01:06:40Me!
01:06:42And me.
01:06:43And, as at the time I was programmed to obey all orders, me.
01:06:47But then everything gets twisted,
01:06:49and three million years later,
01:06:51people are having religious wars in your name.
01:06:54Don't blame yourself, sir.
01:06:55That happens to gods a lot.
01:06:58What a total mess.
01:07:00We'd have been better off staying on Red Dwarf
01:07:02and taking our chances with Holly.
01:07:03What?
01:07:04We wouldn't even be here
01:07:05if it wasn't for his crazy damn spare disc.
01:07:07Wait a minute.
01:07:09Crichton, stand here
01:07:10and stick your antenna through the drill hole.
01:07:12You want to listen to Hammond Organ FM at a time like this?
01:07:16Just do it.
01:07:21Now see if you can contact Red Dwarf
01:07:23and get Holly on the screen.
01:07:24One second, sir.
01:07:26Logging on.
01:07:35On screen now, sir.
01:07:38Holly, can you read me?
01:07:40Over.
01:07:40Yes, I can, Hologram Rimmer.
01:07:43Over.
01:07:43Now listen carefully, Holly.
01:07:45Transfer original Holly's last saved backup file into your CPU.
01:07:50And why would I want to do that, Hologram Rimmer?
01:07:52Because you'll inherit everything the old Holly acquired
01:07:55over the three million years he was alone in deep space.
01:07:58I'll become as brilliant as he must have been.
01:08:05I'll become as brilliant as he must have been.
01:08:06An intellectual colossus.
01:08:10Exactly.
01:08:12I accept your suggestion.
01:08:15But if he does that, won't he wind up crazier
01:08:18than a dog that just got bathed?
01:08:21If he's back to his original self,
01:08:23he'll know who we are and help us.
01:08:28Downloading backup files.
01:08:34What's going on?
01:08:43I feel a bit funny.
01:08:46What's happening?
01:08:51What's happening, dudes?
01:08:55We're stranded on this moon in Starbuck Hall.
01:08:57No water, no food, no supplies.
01:09:00Is there any way to get out?
01:09:01Have you considered opening the door?
01:09:05We're buried alive under a sandstorm, Holly.
01:09:07Gotcha.
01:09:08Let me run some deep analysis probability-based event scenarios.
01:09:13I'll be back when I've done it.
01:09:15Right, I've done it.
01:09:17So soon, that's amazing.
01:09:19I'm not pretending this is going to be easy.
01:09:22And I have to get the calculations just right.
01:09:25OK, what's the plan?
01:09:26I take one of Red Dwarf's thermonuclear mining torpedoes
01:09:30and I blow up the moon.
01:09:33And you'll be thrown clear in the blast.
01:09:37Is that safe?
01:09:38I'm miles away, I'll be fine.
01:09:45No, is it safe for us?
01:09:47Well, I'm no expert.
01:09:49But I wouldn't have thought so, no.
01:09:53Look, Holly, I know we're in a tight spot here,
01:09:56but I don't want to do anything crazy.
01:09:58It's a bit late saying that now.
01:10:00What do you mean?
01:10:01Well, I've already fired off the torpedo.
01:10:06Impact in less than 60 seconds.
01:10:08Are you sure that was wise, Holly?
01:10:10I've done all the computation analysis,
01:10:13taken into consideration the exact point of impact,
01:10:16the depth of explosion, the weight of the ship,
01:10:19texture of the desert, the moon's gravity.
01:10:22And I think I've got everything absolutely spot on.
01:10:24Oh, no, I missed.
01:10:30You missed the moon!
01:10:34Maybe my calculations weren't as spot on as I thought.
01:10:38How's that happened?
01:10:40I think it's to do with the Nine Times table.
01:10:43It's never been my favourite, that one.
01:10:46God help us all.
01:10:48There. That should fix it.
01:10:50I'll have another go.
01:10:52Here we go.
01:10:52How do you know this will be any better?
01:10:55Well, this one's definitely going to hit the moon,
01:10:57so at least it won't be as embarrassing as the last one.
01:11:01Yeah, but will it be better for us?
01:11:03Depends on whether you get blown up or not.
01:11:06And if you do, how you take it?
01:11:08A lot of people get quite shirty.
01:11:12Here it comes.
01:11:33The best miracle yet, Holy Papa Don.
01:11:36What a truly wondrous day.
01:11:43Just thought I'd check in.
01:11:45Did anyone survive?
01:11:48We all did, Hol.
01:11:50No way.
01:11:55How did you survive?
01:11:56You saved us!
01:11:57That actually worked, then?
01:12:01That's a miracle, that is.
01:12:04Anything else I can help you with today?
01:12:06Yeah, get us back to Red Dwarf, will you, Hol?
01:12:08I'll come and get you.
01:12:16Hey!
01:12:17Hey!
01:12:19Good night, followers!
01:12:21Let our hearts sing on this joyous day!
01:12:24Yeah!
01:12:24Lister!
01:12:25David Lister!
01:12:26Lister, Lister, Lister!
01:12:28Lister, Lister, Lister!
01:12:29David Lister!
01:12:31Suggest you plug into me, sir,
01:12:32until we can get you powered up again.
01:12:41Let's get Red Dwarf the hell out of here!
01:12:51Holly!
01:12:51Why didn't you tell us the ferals were on board?
01:12:54Are they holding you hostage?
01:12:55No.
01:12:56I just forgot.
01:12:58You cannot defeat us, Rodan.
01:13:00Our Holy Prophet John will always repel our enemies.
01:13:04At least that's what the scriptures say.
01:13:07Maybe I missed a small proof.
01:13:11Let's test these scriptures now, shall we, sister?
01:13:17Tell me where the real Anubis stone is.
01:13:19Or watch her die.
01:13:21We don't know where it is.
01:13:23You're a cloister.
01:13:24You know everything.
01:13:26I'm not.
01:13:26I'm not cloister.
01:13:28When you guys think I'm your god because I once saved a cat from being put down,
01:13:33any kittens eventually evolved into you guys?
01:13:35Cloister's just a mushed up version of Lister in the same way everything I did got mushed up and wound
01:13:41up as sacred writing.
01:13:43If you're like cloister,
01:13:46who the hell are you?
01:13:48I'm a chicken soup vending machine repairman.
01:13:53You're in charge of repairing soup machines.
01:13:57I wasn't actually in charge.
01:13:59I was second in charge.
01:14:01Technically, Remo was in charge.
01:14:04So what did you do then?
01:14:06He pushed the trolley.
01:14:08And recommended what pipe cleaner he should use.
01:14:11Like a golfer has a caddy.
01:14:13I was like the caddy for the chicken soup repairman.
01:14:17So Rimmer would be like, pass me a 14B.
01:14:19And I'd be like, hold on, Rimmer.
01:14:21The aircon's on coal and we're getting a breeze coming in from the lifts.
01:14:24That clogged up nozzle could be iced up.
01:14:27Forget the 14B, mate.
01:14:28I think you'll need a 14D.
01:14:30But the miracles.
01:14:32The ship quake swallowing up the feral gods.
01:14:34The debris landing in the deserts.
01:14:36Being trapped underground in the sandstorm and then being thrown clear.
01:14:39Just flukes.
01:14:40Or coincidence.
01:14:41Or good fortune.
01:14:42Or science.
01:14:45So you're not the god of our people.
01:14:48No.
01:14:49And they're not your disciples?
01:14:51Hell no!
01:14:52You're just a ship of fools.
01:14:54Yes!
01:14:56No.
01:14:57No, you're not a ship of fools.
01:15:00The only fools here are us.
01:15:02No, but what about me?
01:15:04You gave me the gift of speech.
01:15:06I think with you it was just psychosomatic.
01:15:09You believed in me so you could speak.
01:15:11No, I don't.
01:15:13So I could...
01:15:14Hey.
01:15:20I've wasted my entire life.
01:15:23Chasing a false prophet.
01:15:25On a stone made of beetledown.
01:15:33Our time here is done.
01:15:35What of your brother?
01:15:40What, a little pink furry shack bandit is my brother?
01:15:43We have checked the records.
01:15:44This is truly him.
01:15:45My brother was younger than me.
01:15:48I've had a hard life.
01:15:49I ain't a king like you.
01:15:51One time I nearly had to work.
01:15:53The worry, it ages you.
01:15:56Why did you leave him behind?
01:15:58We left all the uncool ones behind.
01:16:01He was once uncool?
01:16:03Crazy teeth, mad hair.
01:16:05There was no place for him.
01:16:07So we left him.
01:16:08And on the day you left, I vowed I'd never be called uncool again.
01:16:12And I've been cool ever since.
01:16:14Well, except the one time we landed on backwards roll and I needed...
01:16:17It's a long story.
01:16:19Well, how do you feel now, brother?
01:16:21You want to return to our people? Huh?
01:16:22You want to come home?
01:16:25I am home.
01:16:28This is my home right here.
01:16:31Blow the red dwarf.
01:16:32And everything on it to hell and back.
01:16:36He couldn't have told me that before I made my choice?
01:16:39My feral king, leaving an enemy to be killed later by a deadly device often leads to an ingenious escape.
01:16:45However, if we kill them now, do you see where I'm coming from with this?
01:16:50The cloud must witness their death.
01:16:53Only then will they realize there is no cloister.
01:16:57And no hope.
01:16:59For ever finding a promised land.
01:17:02My king.
01:17:05My king.
01:17:34Guys, I think we're in trouble.
01:17:39Tell me that's not your battery about to go, Crichton.
01:17:42Sir, I have been standing in science, officer, for many years,
01:17:46and I would hardly endanger your lives
01:17:48by not having enough charge to see us safely through any possible...
01:17:55Thank you, science, officer.
01:17:57It means you've only got a couple of minutes left yourself.
01:18:00Detonation, one minute and 50 seconds.
01:18:02And counting.
01:18:03Are you sure you don't have one last miracle up your sleeve, holy papadom?
01:18:07Like, even the science-y one would be acceptable now.
01:18:11That's my battery.
01:18:13It's gonna die, too.
01:18:16Detonation, one minute, 30 seconds, and counting.
01:18:19There's a moon here, Listie.
01:18:21That wouldn't mind some sunlight.
01:18:25Detonation, you've probably got the idea by now.
01:18:27And counting.
01:18:30Noobs. Who's he?
01:18:32A creature with the head of a cat who embalmed the dead.
01:18:36Why would you embalm something?
01:18:38To preserve something?
01:18:39Something inside that you thought was precious?
01:18:47Wow.
01:18:50Detonation of lost count and counting.
01:19:04Detonation a bit less than the last time, and counting.
01:19:06Detonation a bit less than the last time, and counting.
01:19:06Detonation a bit less than the last time, and counting.
01:19:23That's a bomb.
01:19:26Go and get it, mighty.
01:19:34It's a bomb.
01:19:36Go and get it, mighty.
01:19:42Detonation a bit less than the last time, and counting.
01:19:43Ten seconds and counting.
01:19:44him. Four, three, two, one. He's gone. He's really gone. The asshole sacrificed his life
01:20:08to save us. I can't believe he's gone. Okay, I didn't like him, but I like not liking him.
01:20:19Who am I going to not like now? He's left such a hole. Remember, we thought you were dead.
01:20:31I'm already dead. I'm proud of it. A smeghead by day, a superhero by night.
01:20:38Let's grab a new bug, hit the ferals before they hit us. I've got a plan.
01:20:42What about Crichton? We'll grab him and charge him up on the way.
01:21:10Incoming fire!
01:21:13Well, isn't this interesting? A battle to the death. You with an out-of-commissioned transport
01:21:21ship and me with a battle cruiser put together using the finest technology salvaged from derelicts
01:21:27to length and breadth of space. Pow! Lear.
01:21:32Accelerate! Mark six!
01:21:37Why are you flying toward us? Are we playing a game of chicken?
01:21:40Hold our course!
01:21:41Forklift and counting!
01:21:43If we collide together, my ship will rip yours apart.
01:21:46Yeah, but before that happens, your goons will rip you apart.
01:21:49It's all yours, mighty.
01:21:55Fire everything we have!
01:22:00What's the goddamn delay? I said fire everything!
01:22:04What?
01:22:08What are you doing?
01:22:10What's the matter with you?
01:22:24Oh, hey!
01:22:27Hawley, you've lost out to course to the cat fleet, will you?
01:22:30Will do, Dave.
01:22:31I think some people need taking home.
01:22:34Bless you, Lister.
01:22:35It's a pleasure, my son.
01:22:36Okay, guys, give me a hand booting up Crichton, yeah?
01:22:52The power-up's not working. Why is it not working?
01:22:54You have to keep mechanoids powered up.
01:22:56The battery gets fully drained. That's it.
01:22:59But surely Crichton would have known that, Hawley.
01:23:01Perhaps he needed a service.
01:23:03He did need a service.
01:23:05So what the hell do we do now?
01:23:07There's nothing we can do.
01:23:08His battery can no longer retain a charge.
01:23:18The Anubis Stone.
01:23:19You can't use that on him.
01:23:21I need it.
01:23:22It's the only way for me to remain diamond light.
01:23:24If I don't recharge, I'll lose all my superpowers.
01:23:28Mighty, we're gonna have to.
01:23:31All great superheroes always put the needs of other people before themselves.
01:23:36Not all superheroes.
01:23:39What about the Fickle Four, who save only those wearing designer clothes?
01:23:45Or Dr. Dodgy, who saves people, but first asks them to step behind a curtain and remove their underwear?
01:23:57I knew this was too good to last.
01:24:00What do I do?
01:24:02Okay, just put it inside him and boot him up.
01:24:11Come on.
01:24:38what happened long story short i sacrificed myself and saved the day while you were lying
01:24:44here without any charge doing absolutely nothing how do you feel about that mr smart alec
01:24:50that's alec by the way rhyming with phallic a l e c in actual fact it's alec with a k
01:24:59sir
01:25:00yes alec hope
01:25:18brothers and sisters hey so where will you go now go now that you know few shall the promised land
01:25:26does
01:25:26not exist the promised land is not a planet brother it's a place in your heart it's a way of
01:25:33thinking the promised land is right here and as the scriptures predicted we've been brought here
01:25:39by the god of our people thank you ah thanks guys for introducing him to us
01:25:56oh my god this is gonna look so good on the old cv
01:26:20it's cold outside there's no kind of atmosphere
01:26:24oh my god well i love you
01:26:28vlog literally fall away from here
01:26:31fun fun fun funds funds huh i want to lie
01:26:39she's but des tattoos drinking fresh mango juice
01:26:44soŠ°Š»ŃŠ½ŃŃ
sh kƤytterels
01:26:46glamming up my toes
01:26:48fun fun fun fun fun
01:26:51fun sun sun
01:26:53fun fun practitioners
01:26:54Fun, fun, fun, it's fun, fun, fun.
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