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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
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01:42It is taught as anything. It is that the story of man is one long round of death and torture
01:47and burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.
01:51I'm sorry about the food, by the way.
01:53Unfortunately, my cook got invited to an orgy at Delia Smith's house.
01:57And so our chef for this evening is the man who cleans out the septic tank.
02:03Baldrick!
02:08My lord!
02:10God save us.
02:12I trust you're all enjoying your food?
02:14No, we're not actually, Baldrick.
02:16What is this we're eating?
02:17It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold has taken two spoonfuls of Benilin to loosen the phlegm
02:23and then coughed all over an avocado.
02:25Well, funny you should say that, sir, because...
02:28Yes, all right, Baldrick, yes. Thank you. You may go now.
02:31I believe you've got some other duties to attend to.
02:36Oh, yes.
02:37Excuse me, please, everybody.
02:45Now, where were we?
02:47We were very well toasting the future.
02:49Yes, and I suppose it might also be a perfect time to look to the past.
02:53How on earth can one look at the past?
02:56You can't see something that's already happened.
02:59Unless you're on the lavatory.
03:00Good point, Bish.
03:01Yes, or unless one's got a time machine.
03:06How likely is that?
03:08Well, very likely, actually, darling.
03:10Because I've just built one.
03:13Stuff and stots.
03:14I've heard some rubbish in my time.
03:16Every time I open my mouth, as a matter of fact.
03:19But a time machine?
03:21It's just cobblers.
03:22I can assure you it is not.
03:24This is an original sketchbook by Leonardo da Vinci.
03:28And in the last year, I myself have built a time machine to his exact specifications.
03:34Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself,
03:40I'm bored with walking.
03:42I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell and name it after myself.
03:47Behold, the time machine.
03:53Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita.
03:56It can't be real, Blackadder.
03:58It's a practical joke, surely.
03:59Certainly not.
04:00When was the last time I played a practical joke?
04:02Well, there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure.
04:04And I donated one of my kidneys to save your life.
04:07And then you said it was an April Fool and we had to throw my kidney away.
04:12Well, yes, there has been the odd, hilarious practical joke, but not this time.
04:18This is a working time machine.
04:20And to prove it, I suggest a wager.
04:24I will bet you each £10,000 that I can travel through time
04:30and bring back any items of historical interest which you choose to nominate.
04:37Darling?
04:37Well, yes, all right.
04:39Yes, if you can travel through time, I'll pay up.
04:43So long as you bring back with you a genuine Roman centurion's helmet.
04:49Very well.
04:50A Roman centurion's helmet.
04:53No, no, that's much too easy.
04:55What about the actual Wellingtons actually worn by Wellington?
05:01On the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.
05:03Lady Elizabeth would like the actual Wellingtons worn by the Duke of Wellington
05:07on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.
05:11Anyone else?
05:12Oh, yes.
05:13Ah, yes, I've got one.
05:14I want you to get, I'd like to see you get your hands on these,
05:17an ancient, reeking, stinking pair of 200-year-old underpants.
05:2318th century body huggers.
05:25That's the ticket.
05:30Very well, I shall be on my way.
05:32This will, of course, take no time at all in your time.
05:35I shall merely step in, there will be a momentary shuddering,
05:38and I will emerge triumphant.
05:43Farewell, dear friends.
05:48Well done, Baldus, this is very impressive.
05:50I'm sorry that I didn't have time to build it myself.
05:52Don't worry, my lord, I followed Mr. Da Vinci's instructions to the letter.
05:56Even though you can't actually read.
05:58That's right, my lord, but I have done a lot of airfix models in my time.
06:02Right, so I've got the centurion's helmet.
06:04Very good.
06:06And the boots.
06:07Excellent.
06:09The underpants, where are the underpants?
06:10Oh, here you are, my lord.
06:12Them are very best pair, and coincidentally, or some are very worst.
06:17So they are, in fact, your only pair of underpants.
06:19That's right, my lord.
06:21Oh!
06:23Stick up in the bag!
06:24Oh, my god!
06:31Right, let's get all this stuff going, shall we?
06:33Right, my lord.
06:34Yes.
06:36All right.
06:37All right, let's shake it about a bit.
06:38Make it look real.
06:40The best New Year's Eve prank ever.
06:48Here we go.
06:50You hide there.
06:50£30,000, here I come.
06:59Right.
07:01Interesting.
07:02What, something, my lord?
07:04Well.
07:07For God's sake, do something, Baldrick.
07:12Something useful.
07:14If I get something, just throw.
07:15Shoot, go on.
07:16Go away.
07:20Sword off.
07:30The underpants.
07:31Try the underpants.
07:34Oh, bloody brontosaurus.
07:37Oh, Tim, not me.
07:39What?
07:39Oh, oh.
07:42They smith my skin.
07:56Fascinating.
07:57One of history's great mysteries solved.
08:00The dinosaurs were, in fact, wiped out by your parents.
08:07Well, Baldrick, this is a turn-up for the books.
08:10You have built a working time machine, and are, therefore, rather surprisingly, the greatest
08:14genius who has ever lived.
08:16Thank you very much, my lord.
08:17Right, let's get out of here, shall we?
08:19No problem, my lord.
08:26Can you set the date so we can get home?
08:28Yes, turn that there, pull that there, reset that there, pull this lever like that, and
08:34the date should come up.
08:37But, unfortunately, it doesn't, because I was going to write the numbers on in felt-tipped
08:41pen, but I never got round to it.
08:44Right.
08:45So, the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries.
08:49That's right, my lord.
08:51In other words, we can't get home.
08:54Not as such.
08:56Excellent.
08:59Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Baldrick.
09:04Still, I think someone with common sense ought to be able to resolve this.
09:08All we've got to do is put these controls back to where they were when we first set off.
09:13I think that was about there.
09:16These were here, and here.
09:19There.
09:21And that should get us home.
09:24Excellent.
09:25You threw away our winning items, Baldrick.
09:27But at least we're home.
09:32Typical.
09:33They must have got bored and gone back for pudding.
09:39Right.
09:39Now, you're not going to believe that...
09:52Elizabeth I.
09:54You're wearing very weird clothes.
09:57And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.
10:00Is that right?
10:01Of course it's right.
10:02I'm always right.
10:03Of course it's right.
10:05Belchie.
10:06Ma'am.
10:07Edmund has been very cheeky.
10:09Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?
10:12Well, one hates to be harsh, ma'am, but I do think a bit of choppy-choppy is the only
10:16apt reaction.
10:17Very well.
10:18Kill him!
10:19Good morning.
10:21And rest of course, Eddie.
10:23You've got a present for me?
10:27A present.
10:29Yes, certainly, Your Majesty.
10:32A present.
10:37Quickly, getting bored now.
10:38Ah, yes.
10:40Now.
10:42Now, these may not look much.
10:45They don't.
10:46No.
10:46But, um, um, well, well, let's say, let's say, let's say that there was a place where you
10:53could buy absolutely everything.
10:56We already have those, Blackadder, and they're called markets.
11:00Oh, right, right.
11:01Well, imagine that, but times ten.
11:03As it were, a super market.
11:06Now, if you gave someone at one of these supermarkets this, he would give you some bonus points,
11:17which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal
11:25price.
11:26Kill him!
11:32What are they?
11:34Oh, they're just sort of.
11:36sweet minty things i want one yes oh it's got a tone in it no they're meant to be like
11:47that
11:48oh that's how they're made
11:59oh you are so naughty it's the tastiest thing in the history of the world try one melchie
12:11indeed ma'am the most pleasant this is incredible because do you know the way it usually smells so
12:18bad it's like you've eaten a hell's goat for your breakfast well i am aware i have a less than
12:22orthodox mouthful odor man yes yes well you don't smell like that anymore it smells absolutely yummy
12:28now i'm not at all like a turd ah what a pity well done blackie here take this you sexy
12:38blood
12:40oh thank you ma'am now go forth and bring back lots more minty things
12:48in the next five minutes or i'll come after you and crush your skull like an egg
12:55certainly your majesty i'll be right back thank you very much thank you
13:05oh i'm i'm so sorry i am sorry
13:10wait a minute you're not will shakespeare yes don't say it i know you hated two gentlemen of verona
13:17this one's much better well bugger my giddy aunt you you couldn't just um sign something for me
13:25could you oh certainly uh sorry sister biro
13:35thank you thank you oh and just one more thing yeah
13:40that is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years
13:45have you any idea how much suffering you're going to cause hours spent at school desks trying to
13:52find one joke in a midsummer night's dream years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying
14:00things like what ho my lord and oh look here comes othello talking total crap as usual
14:06oh and now that is for ken branner's endless uncut four-hour version of hamlet
14:16who's ken brann i'll tell him you said that and i think he'll be very hurt
14:27right let's get out of here boulder certainly my lord by the way if we're lucky enough to get out
14:31of this alive yes my lord remind me to kill you will you all right my lord now it was
14:36down here when
14:37we're at the dinosaurs it's in the middle now so why don't we try it here should do the trick
14:47uh yes i suspect that's a little too far
14:50oh god where are we now oh dear you think it's safe
15:06i don't know does this look like a dangerous place to you balrick this empty wood
15:18well well what have we here my tough band of freedom fighters who have good muscle tone and aren't
15:24gay oh god
15:35look lads we've captured lord black adder
15:39wait a minute are you robin hood
15:44am i robin hood is will scarlet a puff in tights
15:49is friar chug a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut
15:54he's made marion a hot little honey with thighs like two halves of a nutcracker yes i am
16:06oh yes it's nice to meet you at last because there's one question i've always wanted to ask you
16:12fire away one final question before i impale you with my magnificent weapon and i'm not talking
16:17about my enormous yes yes i know you're not all right sorry what puzzles me is this you rob from
16:23the
16:23rich yes that's right yeah and then when you've robbed the rich you give it all to the poor yes
16:30i love
16:32giving it to the poor whoa now that's the bit i don't understand you men risk your lives in combat
16:42you risk certain death if you're caught yes you live here in this forest in total squalor i mean i'd
16:51hate to think what the toilet facilities are like around here not very nice actually and yet you still
16:57give every single penny to these so-called poor who just sit on their backsides all day all right shut
17:07up
17:07now laughing at you saying oh no need to go to work today robin hood and his merry men will
17:12be
17:12along in a minute with a big pile of cash i said shut up i'm surprised they don't call you
17:17robin hood
17:17and his bunch of complete lunatics right that is it shoot him boys i'm great and he's not robin hood
17:26and his band of merry morons can i say that i think you made the right decision so do i
17:46gorgeous
17:55well maid marion was pretty friendly so was will scarlet really nice guy
18:02still the sooner we get home the better we've started to affect history and that's dangerous
18:07we've already wiped out the dinosaurs and killed robin hood god only knows what's going to happen next
18:13time
18:23my lord emperor i the duke the darling brain news the english have reached waterloo good prepare to
18:31attack very well uh but first i would like to ask why do we want to invade britain in the
18:37first place
18:38i mean their wine is made of the peepee of cows and their women all have big beards we invade
18:44darling
18:45because the british think they are so tough they think we french are sissies they call us weeds and
18:50whoopsies and big girls blouses with respect my emperor we are whoopsies we invented the tapestry the
18:57souffle and the sweet liqueur we will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill do not despair
19:04it is my firm belief that god hates the british he will intervene miraculously and send us a glorious
19:11victory on this field of waterloo oh bravo they're lovely uniform today by the way oh thank you i think
19:19it
19:19works your grace the french are approaching excellent i have a superb plan which cannot fail but results in the
19:33complete destruction of the french army oh splendid well tell me at once your grace and i'll
19:37spread the news to the truth very well the plan is god i'm brilliant you know i surprise myself
19:42sometimes i really do yeah the plan is to allow the french to come within a hundred yards of us
19:48then and this is the completely original a brilliant part yes then your grace
19:58the duke of wellington is dead whoops alas alas without the plan the day is lost pardon me
20:11thanks very much might as well try and win that cash anyway
20:18why don't we try pressing this button
20:24well fingers crossed
20:30what can you see borders people in very short skirts my lord ah excellent the 1960s at last we're
20:37getting close i might stay a while actually for a bit of hippie free love not that free love would
20:43make a lot of difference to you would it boulders i mean what would a sheep do with money not
20:48girls in
20:48skirts my lord man ah spandau ballet 1983 i think not my lord
21:00romans we're still centuries out come on let's go although i might just steal myself a roman helmet
21:07while we're here that's interesting the machine seems to be seeking out our dna across time just
21:13breathe what oh centurion we're facing a horde of ginger maniacs with wild goats nesting in their
21:20huge orange beards or to put it another way the scots and how does our inspired leader hadrian
21:27intend to keep out this vast army of lunatics by building a three-foot-high wall a terrifying obstacle
21:35about as frightening as a little rabbit with the word boo painted on its nose
21:40whoo oh come now centurion i won't have that this wall is a terrific defense mechanism
21:45why surely not suggesting that a rabble of scots could get the better of roman soldiers
21:55welcome general
22:20did you hear that boulders i certainly did oh centurion back to rome at last
22:25say this is interesting there appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us
22:33uh that's not a hedge consul that's the scots
22:42what do you do are jay shall we run my lord yes
22:50perhaps we could negotiate last one there gets hacked to pieces by rod stewart's great great
23:03grandfather
23:04let's get home
23:05we don't know where hung is we're doomed to float through time for all time
23:12oh woe is me shut up there is one final thing to push which may be our salvation
23:21or not because it is in fact a lollipop raspberry flavored my lord oh god i'm gonna spend the rest
23:30of
23:30my life in a small wooden room with two toilets and the stupidest man in the world wait my lord
23:38do not despair
23:40for i have a cunning plan
23:46can i say i'm not optimistic border to be quite frank my lord neither am i my family have never
23:51been very
23:52good at plans so with suitably low expectations what is your cunning plan to get us home well my lord
23:58you know how when people drown their whole life flashes in front of them yes well if you stuck your
24:06head in a bucket of water and didn't bring it out again then your whole life would flash in front
24:12of
24:12you and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off and then if you
24:18pulled your
24:18head out again just before you died you could guide us home
24:24baldrick my lord good plan with perhaps just one tiny modification
24:40how's it going i'm 18 years old i've just left nursery school okie dokie
24:52i'm 25 i'm back at nursery school
25:11got it very good i wish i wish i flushed the loo first
25:18ah yeah as we approach the end my lord what do you think we've learned on our great journey
25:26good question baldrick i suppose i've learned that i must buy you a much stronger mouthwash for
25:32christmas this year how about you oh i don't know i suppose i've learned that human beings have always
25:38been the same some nice some nasty some clever some stupid there's always a blackadder and there's always
25:45a baldrick yes very profound baldrick also it occurs to me oh god there's not more is there if you're
25:52in the right place at the right time then every person has the power to go out and change the
25:58world
25:58for the better god you really are as thick as clotted cream that's been left out by some clot until
26:06the
26:07clots are so clotted up you couldn't unclot them with an electric declotter aren't you baldrick
26:13real change comes from huge socio-economic things that individuals have no effect on unless you're
26:20king or prime minister or something oh yes i suppose they can make a difference but for the rest of
26:24us
26:25all we can do in life is to try to make a bit of cash which is what i intend
26:31to do right now hang on
26:35did you see good lord blackadder what happened there yes everything went sort of squiggly i have in
26:42fact returned from the past you surely don't expect us to believe that clearly that was all some sort of
26:49cheap conjuring trick on the country darling oh oh well bravo with big brass bells on and as a little
26:58bonus the crown of queen elizabeth the first of england
27:06well done blackadder but tell me all this stuff about uh changing history with time travel you must
27:12have had to be damn some careful oh i was very careful so blackadder tell us did you did you
27:18hang out with
27:18any you know big time celebs well yes actually for example this belonged to none other than robin hood
27:26who robin hood never heard of him you have to do better than that blackadder right so you've never
27:33heard of robin hood no well this is the title page for macbeth signed by shakespeare himself
27:44oh no no no no come on you've heard of shakespeare he's the fellow who invented the ballpoint pen
27:49of course yes well i might have had an effect on one or two things but nothing important well
27:55never mind blackadder you've certainly won your bet so here's your 10 000 francs and jolly well deserved
28:00to what do you mean francs what do you mean what do i mean francs well surely you mean 10
28:08000 pounds
28:11we haven't used those for 200 years not since the emperor napoleon won the battle of waterloo which
28:17reminds me it's time for us to get to the television monsieur le president will be broadcasting from
28:21their side any moment are you coming uh no i might just go on one final little trip oh no
28:28don't go you
28:28haven't had a bite of the delicious garlic pudding then after which i'm going to do a petit peu de
28:34ballet
28:53i thought i'd just drop in to wish you good luck with the battle you can't lose hello darling
29:04there's one question i've always wanted to ask you yes how come you're so great because i'm mean
29:15i'm a very big fan bill thank you keep up the good work king lear very funny
29:27good lord blackadder what happened there
29:33and here a front page of macbeth signed by shakespeare himself oh my god that's better well done blackadder
29:44what about all this stuff about changing history through time travel you must have had to be
29:48damn some careful oh i was very very careful intriguing thought actually isn't it you know
29:55the smallest thing can change history imagine if wellington had died before the battle of waterloo
30:00we'd all be french or if someone hadn't invented deodorant we'd all be smelly the tiniest thing can
30:05affect the course of human history think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could wreak
30:13yes could you excuse me for just five seconds yeah absolutely why don't you just go upstairs and
30:21watch television i'll be back very very soon ah splendid but do hurry blackadder don't want to miss
30:26shindig shindig at midnight don't worry i'll be back waldrick i have a very very very cunning plan
30:36it is cunning as a fox what used to be professor of cunning at oxford university but has moved on
30:42and is now working for the un at the high commission of international cunning planning yes it is
30:49hmm that's cunning right here goes and now excitement is reaching fever pitch as the final
31:02guests of honor arrive at the dowry many of the crowds have been here for up to 36 hours waiting
31:07for
31:08this moment and i'm sure they won't be disappointed as the great car sweeps into view because here at last
31:16is the king himself king edmund the third universally loved 98 approval rating across the country
31:25with him his gorgeous new bride queen marion of sherwood the nation's most famous beauty beloved by
31:31all and here to greet them is the prime minister unmarried of course but now entering his fifth term of
31:38office the relationship between the king and his first minister particularly close nowadays
31:43since the dissolution of parliament two years ago and what a great partnership these two have become
31:49leading britain magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant new millennium
32:08the country is going to make
32:14At last, a king who looks the part
32:18At last, a queen who looks good-made
32:22Blantana, Blantana
32:26A monarch with a nash
32:31Blantana, Blantana
32:35He's got a nice mustache
32:40Everything he wants you get
32:43The world is now Blackadder's oyster
32:47Most prime ministers are wet
32:52But Baldrick, he's even oyster
32:56Blackadder, Blackadder
33:00A dog who's got his road
33:03Blackadder, Blackadder
33:08The bastard on that road
33:12Blackadder, Blackadder
33:17He's still his sweet sweet child
33:21Blackadder, Blackadder
33:25He's going to rule the world
33:29Blackadder, Blackadder
33:35Blackadder, Blackadder
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