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00:00By the center, trick-out!
00:16I'm right!
00:20I'm right!
00:38Oh, my God.
01:00Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
01:02I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
01:05What are you carving?
01:06I'm carving Baldrick, sir.
01:09Why?
01:10It's a cunning plan, actually.
01:12Of course it is.
01:14You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it.
01:20Yes?
01:21Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it.
01:27Because I won't ever shoot myself.
01:30Oh, shame.
01:31The chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed.
01:37It's not the only thing around here that's very small indeed.
01:41Your brain, for example.
01:43It's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open,
01:47there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
01:53Tally-ho, Pip-Pip, and Bernard's your uncle.
01:56In English, we say good morning.
01:58Look what I got for you, sir.
02:00What?
02:00It's the latest issue of King and Country.
02:03Oh, damn inspiring stuff.
02:05The magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.
02:07Or, alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.
02:14Oh, come, come, sir.
02:16Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
02:19Certainly not.
02:20I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.
02:25What with you at all, sir, what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?
02:29Apart from his bottom?
02:31Yes.
02:32Well, look at it.
02:33I mean, the stuff's about as convincing as Dr Crippen's defence lawyer.
02:38The British Tommies are all portrayed as six foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.
02:44Thoroughly inspiring stuff.
02:45No, look, sir, it's also just a ride for you this morning.
02:51Do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
02:53It's a good old service revolver.
02:55Wrong.
02:55It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it.
03:01I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's Apple Crumble.
03:09That's funny, sir, because we didn't order those new trench climbing ladders, either.
03:13New ladders?
03:14No, it came yesterday.
03:15I issued them to the mail, and they were absolutely thrilled.
03:18Isn't that right, men?
03:19Yes, sir.
03:20First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cats.
03:24Something's going on, and I think I can make an educated guess what it is.
03:28Something which you, George, would find hard to do.
03:31True, true.
03:32Where I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six,
03:37sing the school song very loud, and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.
03:41Now, on the other hand, I'm a fully rounded human being, with a degree from the University of Life, a
03:46diploma from the School of Hard Knocks,
03:48and three gold stars from the Kindergarten, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten, of getting the shit kicked out
03:52of me.
03:52And my instincts lead me to deduce that we are at last about to go over the top.
03:58Great starter!
04:00You mean, you mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darn good British-style thrashing,
04:06six of the best, trousers down?
04:07I mean, are we all going to get killed? Yes.
04:11Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer
04:17to Berlin.
04:20Bravo,issimo! Let's make a start, eh? Up and over to glory. Last one in Berlin's or Rotten Egg?
04:25Give me your helmet, Lieutenant.
04:37Yes. Some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order.
04:43Permission to speak, sir? Granted. With a due sense of exhaustion and dread.
04:48I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir.
04:52Ah, yes. What is it? Cooking. I see.
04:57Those staff HQs always on the lookout for good cooks.
05:00Well, we go over there, we cook them something, and we get out of the trenches that way.
05:05Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.
05:07Is it? Yes, it's a plan.
05:09Permission to ride home immediately, sir.
05:11This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had.
05:14For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig swill.
05:19My mother will be as pleased as Punch.
05:22If only she were as good-looking as Punch, Baldrick.
05:25There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan.
05:29Oh.
05:29You're the worst cook in the entire world.
05:32Oh, yeah, that's right.
05:33There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you.
05:38Your filet mignon in sauce Bernays look like dog turds in blue.
05:44That's because they are.
05:45Your plum duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.
05:50I thought you wouldn't notice.
05:53And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.
05:57Again, it's...
05:58If you were to serve one of your meals in Staff HQ, you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning
06:04since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.
06:10Now we'll have to think of a better plan than that.
06:13Right.
06:13How about a nice meal while you chew it over?
06:16What's on the menu?
06:18Ratt.
06:20Sauté or fricassee?
06:23Oh, the agony of choice.
06:26Sautéed involves?
06:27Well, you take the freshly shaved rat and you marinate it in a puddle for a while.
06:33Mm-hm.
06:34For how long?
06:35Till it's drowned.
06:37Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb.
06:39Then you get within dashing distance of the latrine and you scoff it right down.
06:45So that's sautéing and fricasseeing?
06:47Exactly the same.
06:48Just a slightly bigger rat.
06:51Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous, but I think I'll give it a missus once.
06:56Fair enough, sir.
06:56More for the rest of us, eh, sir?
06:59Absolutely private.
07:00Tally-ho, barf, barf.
07:03Hello, the Savoy Grill.
07:07Oh, it's you.
07:09Yes.
07:10Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes.
07:12Who was it then, sir?
07:14Strangely enough, Ulrich, it was Pope Gregory IX.
07:18Inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue.
07:21Currently wintering in Montego Bay with the England cricket team
07:25and the Balinese goddess of plenty.
07:28Really?
07:29No, not really.
07:30I've been ordered to HQ.
07:32No doubt that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me some attractive new opportunities
07:37to have my brains blown out for Britain.
07:48What do you want, darling?
07:53It's Captain, darling, to you.
07:55General Melchett wants to see you about a highly important secret mission.
07:59What's going on, darling?
08:00Captain Blackadder to see you, sir.
08:02Ah, excellent.
08:04Just a short back and side.
08:05There, I think, please.
08:06Ah, yes, sir.
08:07That's Corporal Black, sir.
08:09Captain Blackadder is here about the other matter, sir.
08:11The secret matter.
08:12Ah, yes, the special mission.
08:14At ease, Blackadder.
08:17Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top secret.
08:22Is that clear?
08:23It is, sir.
08:24Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance.
08:27Have you got it, darling?
08:28Yes, sir.
08:29Read it, please.
08:30It's top security, sir.
08:32I think that's all the captain needs to know.
08:33George Schutz, let's hear the list in full.
08:36Very well, sir.
08:38List of personnel cleared for Mission Gainsborough,
08:40as dictated by General C. H. Melchard.
08:44You and me, darling, obviously.
08:47Field Marshal Haig.
08:48Field Marshal Haig's wife.
08:50All Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends.
08:52Their families.
08:53Their family's servants.
08:54Their family's servants' tennis partners.
08:56And some chap I bumped into in the mess the other day called Bernard.
09:00So, it's maximum security.
09:03Is that clear?
09:04Quite clear, sir.
09:05Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world is to know.
09:08Good man.
09:09Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan
09:15to ensure final victory in the field.
09:18Ah.
09:19Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches
09:22and walking very slowly towards the enemies, sir?
09:25How could you possibly know that, Blackadder?
09:27It's classified information.
09:29It's the same plan that we used last time
09:31and the 17 times before that.
09:34I-I-exactly.
09:36And that is what is so brilliant about it.
09:39It will catch the watchful Han children off guard.
09:43Doing precisely what we've done 18 times before
09:45is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time.
09:49There is, however, one small problem.
09:52That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first 10 seconds.
09:55That's right.
09:57And Field Marshal Haig is worried
09:58that this may be depressing the men attached.
10:01So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
10:04Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the opposite.
10:09Interesting thought.
10:10Make a note of it, darling.
10:11Take a look at this.
10:13I'm sure you know it.
10:14King and country.
10:16Ah, yes.
10:17Without question, my favourite magazine.
10:19Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
10:23Chopper, Blackadder.
10:25I thought it would be right up your alley.
10:27Right.
10:30Field Marshal Haig's plan is this.
10:33To commission a man
10:35to do an especially stirring painting
10:37for the cover of the next issue
10:39so as to really inspire the men for the final push.
10:42What I want you to do, Blackadder,
10:44is to labour night and day
10:46to find a first-rate artist from amongst your men.
10:49Impossible, sir.
10:50I know from long experience
10:51that my men have all the artistic talent
10:54of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs
10:57in a bag.
11:01Well, that's a bit of a blur.
11:02We needed a man to leave the trenches immediately.
11:05Leave the trenches?
11:06Yes.
11:07I wonder if you've enjoyed, as I have, sir,
11:10that marvellous painting in the National Portrait Gallery,
11:13Bag Interior
11:14by the colour-blind hedgehog workshop of Siena.
11:19I'm sorry.
11:20Are you saying you can find this man?
11:22I think I can.
11:23And might I suggest, sir,
11:24that having left the trenches,
11:26it might be a good idea
11:27to post our man to Paris
11:29in order to soak up a little of the artistic atmosphere,
11:32perhaps even Tahiti, I don't know,
11:34so as to produce a real masterpiece.
11:37Yes, yes, but can you find the man?
11:39Now I know I can, sir.
11:42Before you can say sunflowers,
11:43I'll have Vincent van Gogh standing before you.
11:52No, no, don't stop, sir.
11:53It's coming.
11:54It's definitely coming.
11:55I...
11:59I just wonder
12:00whether two socks and a hand grenade
12:02is really the sort of thing
12:03that covers of King and Country are made of.
12:05They will be when I've painted them
12:07being shoved up the Kaiser's backside.
12:10Ah, now, now, this is interesting.
12:12What is?
12:12Well, Private Baldrick
12:14is obviously a bit of an impressionist.
12:16The only decent impression he can do
12:17is of a man with no talent.
12:20What's it called, Baldrick?
12:21The Vomiting Cavalier?
12:25No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit.
12:27It's dabs of light.
12:29No, it's vomit.
12:31Yes.
12:31So, why did you choose that?
12:33You told me to, sir.
12:34Did I?
12:35Yeah, you told me to paint
12:36whatever comes from within.
12:38So I did my breakfast.
12:41Look, there's a little tomato.
12:44Focus.
12:45If only I'd paid attention
12:46in nursery art class
12:47instead of spending my entire time
12:49manufacturing papier-mâché willies
12:51to frighten Sarah Wallace.
12:54You know, it's funny,
12:54but painting was the only thing
12:56I was ever any good at.
12:57It's a pity you didn't keep it up.
12:58Well, as a matter of fact,
13:00I did, actually.
13:00I mean, normally, of course,
13:03I wouldn't show them to anyone
13:04because they're just embarrassing daubs, really.
13:06But, you know,
13:07they give me pleasure.
13:09I'm embarrassed to show them to you now
13:10as it happens.
13:11But there you go.
13:12For what they're worth,
13:13to be honest,
13:14I should have my hands cut off.
13:16George, these are brilliant.
13:18Why didn't you tell us about these before?
13:20Well, you know,
13:21doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
13:24You might at least have told us
13:25you had a trumpet.
13:27But these paintings
13:28could spell my way
13:29out of the trenches.
13:30Yours?
13:32That's right, ours.
13:35All we have to do
13:36is paint something heroic
13:37to appeal to the simple-minded Tommy.
13:39Over to you, Baldrick.
13:42How about a noble Tommy
13:44standing with a look of horror
13:46and disgust
13:47over the body of a murdered nun
13:49whilst being brutally done over
13:52by a nasty old German?
13:54Excellent.
13:55I can see it now.
13:56The nun and the hun.
13:59No time to lose.
14:01George, set up your easel.
14:02Baldrick and I will pose.
14:04This is going to be
14:04Art's greatest moment
14:05since Mona Lisa sat down
14:07and told Leonardo da Vinci
14:08she was in a slightly odd mood.
14:11Baldrick, you lie down in the mud
14:12and be the nun.
14:13I'm not lying down there.
14:15It's all wet.
14:15Well, let's put it this way.
14:16Either you lie down and get wet
14:17or you knock down
14:19and get a broken nose.
14:21Actually, it's not that wet, is it?
14:22No.
14:26What are you going to be then, sir?
14:28The noble Tommy?
14:29Precisely.
14:30Standing over the body
14:31of the ravaged nun.
14:32I want a wimple.
14:33Well, you should have gone
14:34before we started the picture.
14:35You know, the funny thing is
14:37my father was a nun.
14:41No, he wasn't.
14:42He was so, sir.
14:44I know, because whenever
14:45he was up in court
14:46and the judge used to say
14:47occupation,
14:48he'd say,
14:49none.
14:54Right, you ready?
14:55Oh, just about, sir, yes.
14:57Um, if you'd just like
14:58to pop your clothes
14:58on the stool.
15:02I'm sorry?
15:03Just pop your clothes
15:04on the stool over there.
15:05You mean,
15:06you want me
15:07tackle out?
15:11Of course, sir, yes.
15:13If I can remind you
15:14of the realities
15:14of battle, George,
15:15one of the first things
15:16that everyone notices
15:17is that all the protagonists
15:18have got their clothes on.
15:20Neither we nor the Hun
15:22favour fighting
15:22our battles au naturel.
15:25Sir, it's artistic license.
15:27It's willing suspension
15:29of disbelief.
15:30Well, I'm not having anyone
15:31staring in disbelief
15:32at my willy suspension.
15:35Now, get on and paint
15:36the bloody thing sharpish.
15:42Brilliant, George.
15:43It's a masterpiece.
15:44The wimple cinch, you bull, Rick.
15:46By, it completely
15:47covers my face.
15:49Exactly.
15:50Now, men,
15:51General Melchard
15:52will be here at any moment.
15:53When he arrives,
15:54leave the talking to me,
15:55all right?
15:55I like to keep
15:56an informal trench,
15:57as you know,
15:58but today,
15:59you must only speak
16:00with my express permission.
16:02Is that clear?
16:03Is that clear?
16:06Permission to speak.
16:07Yes, sir.
16:08Absolutely good, sir.
16:10Tension.
16:13Back out.
16:15Tension.
16:18Excellent.
16:19At ease.
16:20Now then, Blackadder,
16:21where would you like me to sit?
16:22I thought just a simple
16:23trim of the moustache today,
16:24nothing drastic.
16:25Yes, sir.
16:26We hear about the paintings, sir.
16:28Oh, yes.
16:28Of course.
16:29Good Lord, George.
16:31Ha, ha, ha.
16:32How are you, my boy?
16:36I said, how are you?
16:38Permission to speak?
16:40Oh, no, absolutely.
16:40Top holes are
16:41with a ying and a yang
16:42and a yippity-doo.
16:44Splendid.
16:45And your Uncle Batty
16:46sends his regards.
16:47I told them you could have
16:48a week off in April.
16:49Don't want you missing
16:50the boat race, do we?
16:52Permission to speak?
16:53Certainly not.
16:54Permission to sing
16:55boisterously, sir?
16:56If you must.
16:58Whoa, whoa, whoa,
16:59you punt,
17:00gently down the stream.
17:01Belts off,
17:02trousers down,
17:03ears and life a scream.
17:05Oh!
17:10Fabulous.
17:10University education.
17:11You can't beat it.
17:13Bravo.
17:15Now,
17:15what have we here?
17:17Name?
17:18Permission to speak?
17:20Baldrick, sir.
17:21Oh, tally-ho,
17:22yibbity-dap
17:23and zing-zang-spillip.
17:25Looking forward
17:25to bullying off
17:26for the final chucker?
17:29Permission to speak?
17:34Answer the general,
17:35Baldrick.
17:35I can't answer him, sir.
17:36I don't know
17:37what he's talking about.
17:40Are you looking forward
17:42to the big push?
17:43No, sir.
17:44I'm absolutely terrified.
17:48The healthy humour
17:49of the honest Tommy.
17:52Don't worry, my boy.
17:53If you should falter,
17:55remember that Captain Darling
17:56and I are behind you.
17:57About 35 miles behind you.
18:01Right, well,
18:02stand by your beds.
18:04Let's have a look
18:04at this artist of yours,
18:06Blackadder.
18:06Next to me, darling.
18:07Thank you, sir.
18:08Have you found someone?
18:10Yes, sir.
18:11I think I have.
18:12None other
18:13than young George here.
18:15Oh, brother.
18:16Well, let's have a shifty, then.
18:17It's simply called
18:19War.
18:22Damn silly title, George.
18:24Looks more like
18:25a couple of socks
18:26and a stick of pineapple to me.
18:29Permission to speak, sir?
18:30I think not, actually.
18:33Quite right.
18:34If what happens
18:35when you open your mouth
18:36is anything like
18:36what happens
18:37when you open your paint box,
18:38we'll all be drenched in phlegm.
18:41Oh, no.
18:42This isn't what we're looking for
18:43at all, is it, darling?
18:44No, sir.
18:45No, sir.
18:45There is this, sir.
18:47It's Private Baldrick's.
18:48He's called it
18:49My Family and Other Animals.
18:54Oh, good Lord, no.
18:56Well, I'm afraid
18:57that's about it, sir.
18:59Apart from
19:00this little thing.
19:02Ah, now that's
19:03more like it.
19:05Who painted this, Blackadder?
19:07Well, actually,
19:08it was me.
19:09Permission to speak
19:10really quite urgently, sir.
19:12Damn and blast
19:13your godly eyes.
19:14Will you stop
19:15interrupting, George?
19:16Oh, this is excellent.
19:18Congratulations, man.
19:19Oh, it's totally inspiring.
19:21Makes you wonder.
19:22Jump over the top
19:23and yell
19:24Ya boo sucks
19:25to you, Fritzy.
19:27Thank you, sir.
19:28Are you sure
19:28you did this, Blackadder?
19:30Of course, I'm sure.
19:31I'm afraid
19:32I don't believe you.
19:34How dare you, darling?
19:37I can't let that
19:38slur pass.
19:39What possible
19:39low, suspicious,
19:41slanderous reason
19:42could this
19:42office boy
19:44have for thinking
19:44that I didn't
19:45paint the picture?
19:46Well, three reasons
19:47as a matter of fact.
19:48Firstly, you're in it.
19:50It's a self-portrait.
19:53Secondly,
19:53you told us
19:54you couldn't paint.
19:55Well, one doesn't
19:56like to blow
19:56one's own trumpet.
19:57Permission?
19:58Denied.
20:00And thirdly,
20:02it's signed
20:02George.
20:13Well spotted.
20:15But not
20:16signed, George.
20:18Dedicated
20:18to George.
20:20King George.
20:21Gentlemen,
20:22the king.
20:23The king!
20:24Where?
20:26Bravo, Blackadder.
20:28I have absolutely
20:28no hesitation
20:30in appointing you
20:30our official
20:31regimental artist.
20:32You're a damn
20:33fine chap.
20:34Not a pen-pushing,
20:36desk-sucking,
20:37blotter-jotter
20:38like Darling here.
20:39May, darling?
20:40No, sir.
20:41No, sir?
20:41Well,
20:42accompany us back to HQ
20:43immediately.
20:44Kitchen!
20:46Permission to
20:47jolly well speak
20:47right now, sir,
20:48otherwise I might just
20:49burst like a bunny balloon.
20:51Later, George.
20:52Much later.
20:56Congratulations
20:56on your new
20:57appointment, Blackadder.
20:59Thank you, sir.
21:00And may I say, Blackadder,
21:01I am particularly
21:02pleased about it.
21:03Are you?
21:04Oh, yes.
21:05Now that you are
21:07our official war artist,
21:08we can give you
21:09the full briefing.
21:10The fact is, Blackadder,
21:12that the king and country
21:13cover story
21:14was just a
21:15cover story.
21:16We want you,
21:18as our top
21:19painting bod,
21:20to leave the trenches
21:21Good.
21:22Tonight.
21:23Suits me.
21:24And go out
21:25into no man's land.
21:30No man's land.
21:31Yes.
21:33Not Paris.
21:34No.
21:36We want you
21:37to come back
21:37with accurate drawings
21:38of the enemy positions.
21:40You want me
21:41to sit in no man's land
21:43painting pictures
21:44of the Germans.
21:47Precisely.
21:47Good man.
21:48Well, it's a very
21:49attractive proposition,
21:50gentlemen,
21:50but unfortunately
21:51not practical.
21:52You see,
21:53my medium is light.
21:54It'll be pitch dark.
21:55I won't be able
21:56to see a thing.
21:57Ah.
21:57That is a point.
21:58I tell you what,
21:59we'll send up
22:00a couple of flares.
22:01You'll be lit up
22:02like a Christmas tree.
22:04Oh, excellent, excellent.
22:05Glad I checked.
22:08All right.
22:09Total and utter quiet.
22:11Do you understand?
22:12So, for instance,
22:13if any of us
22:13crawl over any barbed wire,
22:14they must,
22:15on no account,
22:16go...
22:16Ah!
22:18You've just crawled
22:19over some barbed wire, sir.
22:20No, Balder,
22:21I've just put my elbow
22:22in a blob of ice cream.
22:24Oh, that's all right.
22:25Now, where the hell
22:26are we, everyone?
22:27Well, it's a bit
22:27difficult to say.
22:29We appear to have
22:29crawled into an area
22:30marked with mushrooms.
22:32What do those symbols
22:33denote?
22:35Don't we're in a field
22:35of mushrooms?
22:36Lieutenant,
22:37that is a military map.
22:38It is unlikely to list
22:40interesting flora
22:41and fungi.
22:42Look at the key
22:43and you'll discover
22:44that those mushrooms
22:45aren't for picking.
22:46Good Lord,
22:47you're quite right, sir.
22:48It says mine.
22:50So,
22:51these mushrooms
22:52must belong to the man
22:53who made the map.
22:58Either that
22:59or we're in the middle
23:00of a mine field.
23:02Oh, dear.
23:03So, he owns the field
23:04as well.
23:08They're boring, sir.
23:09They're boring.
23:11Yes, thank you,
23:11Lieutenant.
23:13If they hit me,
23:14you'll be sure
23:14to point it out.
23:16Now, come on,
23:17get on with your drawing
23:18and let's get out of here.
23:19Well, surely we ought
23:20to wait for the flares, sir.
23:21You see,
23:21my medium is light.
23:23Look, I'd just use
23:24your imagination
23:25for heaven's sake.
23:26Wait a minute.
23:27That's the answer.
23:28What?
23:28I can't believe
23:29I've been so stupid.
23:31Yeah, that is unusual
23:32because you usually
23:33aren't the stupid one.
23:34Well, I'm not over-furnished
23:36in the brain department.
23:38Yes, well, on this occasion
23:39I've been stupidest of all.
23:41Oh, now, sir,
23:42I will not have that.
23:45Baldrick and I
23:45will always be
23:46more stupid than you.
23:47Isn't that right, Baldrick?
23:48Stupid, stupid, stupid.
23:50Yeah.
23:50Stupid-y, stupid-y, stupid-y.
23:53Stupidest stupids
23:54in the whole history
23:55of stupidity does.
23:56Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
24:02Finished?
24:04I think the obvious point
24:06is this.
24:06We'll go straight back
24:07to the dugout
24:08and do the painting
24:09from there.
24:09You do the most imaginative,
24:11most exciting,
24:13possible drawing
24:13of German defences
24:15from your imagination.
24:16Ah, I see.
24:17Now that is a challenge.
24:18Well, quite.
24:18Come on,
24:19let's get out of here.
24:21Oh, sir,
24:22just one thing.
24:23If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
24:27Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air
24:32and scatter yourself over a wide area.
24:39Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackheader?
24:42Absolutely.
24:43I mean, there may have been a few more armament factories
24:45and not quite as many elephants, but...
24:51Well, you know what this means?
24:54If it's true, sir, we'll have to cancel the push.
24:57Exactly.
24:58What a nuisance.
25:01Exactly what the enemy would expect us to do
25:04and therefore exactly what we shan't do.
25:07Ah, now...
25:08If we attack where the line is strongest,
25:11then Fritz will think that our reconnaissance is a total shambles.
25:15This will lull him into a sense of full security
25:17and then next week we can attack where the line is actually badly defended
25:22and win the greatest victory since the Winchester flower-arranging team
25:27beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to one.
25:32Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir?
25:36So, best fighting trousers on, Blackheader?
25:39Permission to shout bravo at an annoyingly loud volume, sir?
25:43Permission granted.
25:44Bravo!
25:46That's the spirit.
25:47Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackheader?
25:49Oh, yes.
25:50Good luck against those elephants.
25:55Got me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?
25:58Oh, you're taking up sculpture now, sir?
26:00No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
26:03What are you going to put on this?
26:04Here lies Edmund Blackheader, and he's bloody annoyed.
26:10We're going over, are we, sir?
26:12Yes, we are.
26:13Unless I can think of some brilliant plan.
26:15Would you like some rat-o-van to help you fix it?
26:19Rat-o-van.
26:21Yeah, it's rat that's been run over by van.
26:25No, thank you, Baldrick.
26:27Although, it gives me an idea.
26:31Telephone, please.
26:33I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the top by now, sir.
26:36Yes, God, I wish I was out there with them, dodging the bullets, instead of having to sit here, drinking
26:41this Chateau Lafitte, and eating these filets mignons with sauce bearnaise.
26:46My thoughts, exactly, sir.
26:49Damn this Chateau Lafitte.
26:51He's a very brave man, Blackadder.
26:53And, of course, that lieutenant of his, George.
26:56Cambridge man, you know.
26:57His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college.
27:02Slightly, um, unusual taste, this sauce bearnaise.
27:06Yes, sir.
27:07And to be quite frank, these, these mignons are a little, well.
27:12What?
27:13Well, dungy.
27:15What on earth's wrong with our cook?
27:18Well, it's a rather strange story, sir.
27:21Oh, tell, tell.
27:23Well, sir, I received a phone call this afternoon from Pope Gregory IX, telling me that our cook had been
27:30selected for the England cricket team and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.
27:35Really?
27:36Barely a moment later, the phone rang again.
27:39It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs who happened to be in the area offering their services.
27:44So, I had the quartermaster take them on at once.
27:47Huh?
27:47Huh?
27:48Huh?
27:48Oh, dumping judas!
27:51Are you sure these are real raisins in this blood duff?
27:56Oh, yes, I'm sure they are, sir.
27:59Everything will be all right once the cream custard arrives.
28:06That was all jolly good fun, sir, but dash it all, we appear to have missed the big push.
28:10Oh, damn, so we have.
28:14One thing puzzles me, Balric.
28:16How did you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat?
28:20Oh, damn, so we have to get so much custard out of such a small cat.
29:05Oh, damn, so we have to get so much custard out of such a small cat.
29:12This one is Mrs.
29:12She
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