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00:01Firecrack!
00:03Firecrack!
00:07Tritbatch!
00:17Firecrack!
00:26Firecrack!
00:45You're a bit cheesed off, sir.
00:47George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off.
00:51Within ten minutes of you turning up,
00:53I'd finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars.
00:56And at this late stage, I'm in a cab with two lady companions
01:00on my way to the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
01:03Well, because if you are cheesed off, sir, you know what would cheer you up?
01:06Well, that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
01:08Oh, I love old chappers. Don't you, Cap?
01:11Unfortunately, no, I don't.
01:13I find this film's about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck
01:16and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
01:20Oh, beg your pardon, sir, but come off!
01:24His films are ball-beltingly funny.
01:28Rubbish.
01:29Well, all right, let's consult the men for a casting vote, shall we, Baldrick?
01:32Sir!
01:32Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick, what do you make of him?
01:34Oh, sir, he's as funny as a vegetable
01:37that's grown into a rude and amusing shape, sir.
01:41So you agree with me? Not at all funny.
01:44Oh, come on, Skipper, I played fair in that last film of his.
01:47When he kicked that fellow in the backside, I thought I'd die.
01:51Well, if that's your idea of comedy, we can provide our own
01:53without expending a halfpenny for the privilege.
01:57There, did you find that funny?
01:59Oh, no, of course not, sir, but you see, Chaplin is a genius.
02:03He certainly is a genius, George.
02:04He invented a way of getting paid a million dollars a year
02:07for wearing a pair of stupid trousers.
02:09Did you find that funny, Baldrick?
02:11What funny, sir?
02:14That funny.
02:15No, sir, and you mustn't do that to me, sir,
02:18cos that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir.
02:22What?
02:24Haven't you smelt it, sir?
02:26There's something afoot in the wind.
02:29The huddled masses yearning to be free.
02:33Baldrick, have you been to the diesel oil again?
02:36No, sir, I've been supping the milk of freedom.
02:40Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution,
02:44and here, too, sir,
02:46the huddled wasp names such as myself, sir,
02:49are ready to throw off the hated oppressors
02:51like you and the lieutenant.
02:53Present company accepted, sir.
02:55Go and clean out the latrines.
02:57Yes, sir, right away, sir.
03:00You see, now the reason why Chaplin is so funny
03:03is because he's part of the great British music hall tradition.
03:07Oh, yes, the great British music hall tradition.
03:10Two men with incredibly unconvincing cockney accents going,
03:13what's up with you, then?
03:14What's up with me, then?
03:15Yeah, what's up with you, then?
03:16Oh, hey, what's up with me?
03:17I'm right browned off.
03:18That's what's up with me.
03:18Right browned off.
03:19Get on with it!
03:22Now, sir, that was funny.
03:25You should go to the porch yourself.
03:27Thank you, George, but if you don't mind,
03:28I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin
03:31by a steak tenderiser
03:33and then staple to the floor with a croquet hoop.
03:36Sir, sir, sir, it's all over the trenches.
03:40Well, mop it up, then.
03:41No, sir, the news.
03:43The Russian Revolution have started.
03:46The masses have risen up and shot all their knobs.
03:49Well, hurrah!
03:51Oh, no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war.
03:54Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we, sir?
03:56Miserable, slant-eyed, sausage-eating swine.
04:00The Russians are on our side.
04:03Are they?
04:04And they've abandoned the Eastern Front.
04:06And they've overfrown Nicholas II,
04:07who used to be bizarre.
04:10Who used to be the Tsar, boy.
04:14The point is that now the Russians
04:16have made peace with the Kaiser,
04:17at this very moment,
04:18over three-quarters of a million Germans
04:20are leaving the Russian Front
04:21and coming over here
04:22with the express purpose
04:24of using my nipples for target packs.
04:26There's only one thing for it.
04:28I'm going to have to desert.
04:29And I'm going to do it right now.
04:31Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
04:33No, sir.
04:34Well, I'm relieved to hear it
04:35because I need you to help me
04:36shoot some deserters later on.
04:39There have been subversive mutterings amongst the men.
04:42You'll recall the French army last year at Verdun
04:45where the top echelon suffered
04:46from horrendous uprisings from the bottom.
04:50Yes, sir, but surely that was traced
04:51to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
04:54Nonsense, Blackadder.
04:55It was bolshiness.
04:56Plain bolshiness.
04:57And now that the Ruskies have followed suit,
05:00I'm damned if I'm going to let
05:01the same thing happen here.
05:02Oh.
05:03And what are you going to do about it, sir?
05:04We're going to have a concert party
05:06to boost the men's morale.
05:08A concert party?
05:10Well, hurrah!
05:12You fancy an evening at a concert party, Blackadder?
05:15Well, frankly, sir,
05:16I'd rather spend an evening
05:17on top of a step ladder in no man's land
05:19smoking endless cigarettes
05:21through a luminous balaclava.
05:24Yes, I didn't think it would be
05:26quite your cup of tea,
05:28but I do need someone
05:29to help me organise it, you know.
05:31Obviously not a tough,
05:32grizzled soldier like yourself,
05:33but some kind of damp-eyed Nancy boy
05:36who'd be prepared to spend
05:38the rest of the war
05:39in the London Palladium.
05:40Huh?
05:41The show is going
05:42to the London Palladium, sir.
05:44Oh, yes, of course.
05:45It's no good crushing
05:46a revolution over here
05:47only to get back home to Blighty
05:49and find that everybody's
05:49wearing overalls
05:51and breaking wind
05:52in the palaces of the mightiest.
05:54Good point, sir.
05:55Now, the thing is, Blackadder,
05:56finding a man to organise
05:57a concert party
05:58is going to be damn difficult,
05:59so I've come up with
06:00rather a cunning set of questions
06:02with which to test
06:03a candidate's suitability
06:04for the job.
06:05Oh.
06:05And what sort of questions
06:06would these be, sir?
06:07Well, the first question is
06:09do you like Charlie Chaplin?
06:13Dismissed, Lieutenant.
06:15Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
06:16Yes, that is a good question
06:17for a candidate
06:18to which my answer
06:19would, of course, be
06:20yes, I love him.
06:22Love him, sir.
06:22Now, particularly
06:23the amusing kicks.
06:24That's funny, sir,
06:25because I thought you said
06:26goodbye, George.
06:28And the second question is
06:30do you like music hall?
06:32Ah, yes, another good question, sir.
06:34Again, my answer
06:35would have to be
06:36yes, absolutely love it.
06:38Oops, Mr. Rothschild,
06:39well, you're out of the way.
06:41Hmm, yes.
06:43Well, you see,
06:43it's my view, Blackadder,
06:44that the kind of person
06:45who would answer yes
06:46to both of those questions
06:47would be ideal for the job.
06:49Wait a minute.
06:52What, sir?
06:53Why, without knowing it,
06:55Blackadder,
06:56you've inadvertently shown me
06:58that you could do the job.
07:01Have I, sir?
07:03Yes, sir.
07:04You have, sir.
07:05And I want you to start
07:06work straight away.
07:07A couple of shows
07:08over the weekend
07:09and if all goes well,
07:10we'll start you off
07:11in London, um, next Monday.
07:13Oh, damn.
07:15Now, if you need any help,
07:17um, fetching and carrying
07:19and, uh, backstage and so on,
07:20I'll lend you my driver,
07:21if you like.
07:22Bob!
07:26Driver Parkhurst
07:27reporting for duty, sir.
07:28All right, at ease, Bob.
07:29Stand easy.
07:30Captain Blackadder,
07:31this is Bob.
07:32Bob?
07:34Good morning, sir.
07:36Unusual name for a girl.
07:39Oh, yes,
07:39it would be an unusual name
07:40for a girl,
07:41but it's a perfectly
07:42straightforward name
07:42for a young chap like you,
07:44eh, Bob?
07:45Now, Bob,
07:46I want you to bunk up
07:47with Captain Blackadder
07:48for a couple of days,
07:49all right?
07:49Yes, sir.
07:50I think you'll find Bob
07:51just the man for this job,
07:52Blackadder.
07:53He has a splendid sense of humour.
07:55He, sir?
07:56He?
07:57He?
07:57You see?
07:58You're laughing already.
08:00All right.
08:01Well, now, Bob,
08:02I'll leave you two together.
08:03Why don't you, uh,
08:04get to know each other,
08:05play a game of cribbage,
08:06have a smoke,
08:07something like that.
08:08They tell me that
08:08Captain Blackadder
08:09has rather a good line
08:10in rough shag.
08:11Um,
08:13I'm sure he'd be happy
08:14to fill your pipe.
08:15Carry on.
08:19Sir, you're a chap,
08:20are you, Bob?
08:21Oh, yes, sir.
08:26You wouldn't say you were a girl
08:27at all.
08:29Oh, definitely not, sir.
08:30I understand cricket.
08:32I fart in beds.
08:33Everything.
08:34Well, let me put it another way,
08:35Bob.
08:36You are a girl,
08:37and you're a girl
08:38with as much talent
08:39for disguise
08:39as a giraffe
08:40in dark glasses
08:41trying to get into
08:42a polar bears-only
08:43golf club.
08:46Oh, sir,
08:47oh, sir,
08:47please don't give me away, sir.
08:48I just want you to be
08:49like my brothers
08:50and join up.
08:51I want to see
08:52how a war is fought
08:53so badly.
08:55Well, you've come
08:55to the right place, Bob.
08:57A war hasn't been
08:58fought this badly
08:59since Olaf the Hairy,
09:00high chief of all
09:01the Vikings,
09:02accidentally ordered
09:0380,000 battle helmets
09:04with the horns
09:05on the inside.
09:08I want to do my bit
09:09for the boys, sir.
09:11Oh, really?
09:12I'll do anything, sir.
09:14Yes, I'd keep that
09:15to yourself if I was you, Bob.
09:17All right, Bob.
09:18The second half
09:19starts with Corporal
09:20Smith and Johnson
09:21as the three silly twerps.
09:23All right, sir.
09:24The big joke being
09:25there's only two of them.
09:28I love that.
09:30That always cracks me up, sir.
09:32Followed by
09:33Balric's impersonation
09:34of Charlie Chaplin.
09:42Yes.
09:43Bob, take a telegram.
09:44Yes, sir.
09:45Mr C. Chaplin,
09:46Senate Studios,
09:47Hollywood, California.
09:49Congrat, stop.
09:50Have discovered
09:50only person in the world
09:52less funny than you.
09:54Name, Balric, stop.
09:55Yours, E. Blackadder, stop.
09:57Oh, and put a P.S.
09:59Please, please, please,
10:01stop.
10:02And then after that,
10:03we have,
10:04ladies and gentlemen,
10:05the highlight of our show.
10:07Ta-da!
10:14I feel fantastic.
10:18Gorgeous Georgina,
10:19the traditional
10:20soldier's drag act.
10:22You look absolutely
10:23lovely, sir.
10:25Balric,
10:25you are either lying,
10:27blind or mad.
10:29Lieutenant looks like
10:30all soldiers look
10:30on these occasions,
10:31about as feminine
10:32as W.G. Grace.
10:34What are you going
10:34to give them, George?
10:36Well, I thought
10:36one or two cheeky gags,
10:39followed by
10:40she was only
10:40the ironmonger's daughter,
10:42but she knew
10:43a surprising amount
10:44about fish as well.
10:47Inspired.
10:48Well, at least
10:49you made an effort
10:49with the dress.
10:50What about your costume, Balric?
10:51I'm in it, sir.
10:53I see.
10:54So your Charlie Chaplin
10:55costume consists
10:56of that hat.
10:58Yes, sir.
10:59Except that in this box
11:01I have a dead slug
11:03as a brilliant
11:04false moustache.
11:07Yes, only quite
11:08brilliant out here.
11:09How, for instance,
11:09are you to attach
11:10it to your face?
11:11Well, I was hoping
11:12to persuade the slug
11:13to cling on, sir.
11:15Balric, the slug
11:16is dead.
11:17If it failed
11:18to cling on to life,
11:19I see no reason
11:20why it's been wished
11:20to cling on
11:21to your upper lip.
11:23Balric, Balric,
11:24come on.
11:25Slugs are always
11:26a problem.
11:27What you've got to do
11:27is screw your face up
11:28like this, you see?
11:29And then you can clamp it
11:30between your top lip
11:31and your nose.
11:32Well, like this, sir.
11:34That's it, that's it,
11:34that's been...
11:35Right.
11:36Sir, sir,
11:37there's a visitor
11:38to see you.
11:40Good Lord,
11:41Mr Chaplin.
11:42This is a deal
11:44and honour.
11:45Why, of course,
11:45for some sort of celebration.
11:47Balric, Balric!
11:50Sir, that is extraordinary
11:54because...
11:56Because, you see,
11:57this isn't Chaplin
11:58at all.
11:58This is Balric!
12:00Liz, it's me, sir!
12:04I know, I know.
12:07I was, in fact,
12:08being sarcastic.
12:09Oh, I see.
12:11Everything goes above
12:12your head,
12:13doesn't it, George?
12:14You should go to Jamaica
12:15and become a limbo dancer.
12:22They love him, sir.
12:23We're a hit.
12:24Yes, in one short evening,
12:26I've become the most
12:26successful impresario
12:27since the manager
12:28of the Roman Coliseum
12:30thought of putting
12:30the Christians and the Lions
12:32on the same bill.
12:34Sir, some people
12:35seem to think
12:35that I was best.
12:37Would you agree?
12:38Balric, in the Amazonian
12:39rainforests,
12:40there are tribes of Indians
12:41as yet untouched
12:42by civilisation
12:43who have developed
12:43more convincing
12:44Charlie Chaplin
12:45impressions than yours.
12:46Oh, thank you
12:47very much, sir.
12:48He's coming up!
12:50Oh!
12:51What do you think, Bob?
12:52One more?
12:53God, I love the theatre!
12:58It's in my blood
12:59and in my soul.
13:01Balric, put those
13:02in some water, will you?
13:02Yes, sir.
13:04Oh!
13:06I need that applause
13:08in the same way
13:08that an osler
13:10needs his ossel.
13:13Well done, sir.
13:15No, really,
13:15I was...
13:16I was hopeless.
13:18I mean, tell me honestly,
13:19sir, I was, wasn't I?
13:20Well...
13:20No, no, come on, sir.
13:21Up with it,
13:22because I need to know,
13:22really, I was hopeless.
13:23No, well...
13:24No, you're trying to be nice
13:25and that's very sweet of you, sir,
13:26but please, come on,
13:27I can take it.
13:27I was hopeless.
13:28George,
13:29you were bloody awful.
13:34But you can't argue
13:35with the box office.
13:36Personally, I thought
13:36you were the least convincing
13:37female impressionist
13:38since Tarzan went through
13:40Jane's handbag
13:41and ate her lipstick.
13:42But I'm clearly
13:44in a minority.
13:45Look out, London.
13:46Here we come.
13:52Ah, Captain Dowling.
13:53Ah, Captain Blackadder.
13:55I must say,
13:56I had an absolutely
13:56splendid evening.
13:57Oh, glad you enjoyed
13:59the show.
13:59The show?
14:01No, I didn't go to the show.
14:03Important regimental business.
14:05A lorry load
14:05instead of paperclips
14:06arrived.
14:08Two lorry loads, actually.
14:11Ah, welcome
14:12to the great director.
14:14Ha, ha, maestro.
14:16You enjoyed it, sir?
14:17Well, it was mostly awful,
14:19but I enjoyed
14:21the slug balance, sir.
14:22Ah, private Baldrick, sir.
14:26That's right, yes.
14:27Slug fell off a couple of times,
14:29but you can't, uh,
14:30can't have everything,
14:31can you?
14:32I'd just suggest
14:32a bit more practice
14:33and, uh, perhaps
14:34a little sparkly costume
14:35for the slug.
14:38I'll pass that on, sir.
14:40But I do have
14:41certain other reasons
14:42for believing the show
14:43to be nothing
14:44but a triumph.
14:45Captain Darling,
14:46uh, has your
14:47travel arrangements,
14:48uh, ticket to Dover,
14:49rooms at the Ritz
14:50and so forth.
14:50Oh, thank you, sir.
14:51However,
14:52there is one small thing
14:54you might do for me.
14:57Yes?
14:58Captain Blackadder,
14:59I should esteem it
15:01a signal honour
15:01if you would allow me
15:03to escort your leading lady
15:04to the regimental ball
15:06this evening.
15:08My leading lady?
15:09The fair Georgina.
15:10Ah, ha, ha.
15:12Very amusing.
15:13Do you think
15:13she'll laugh in my face?
15:14I'm too old,
15:15too crusty?
15:16Uh, no.
15:18No, it's just that
15:19as her director,
15:20I'm afraid I could not allow it.
15:22I could always find
15:22another director
15:23who would allow it.
15:25Quite.
15:26Well, I'll see what I can do,
15:28but I must insist
15:29that she'd be home
15:29by midnight
15:30and that there'd be
15:31no hanky-panky,
15:32sir, whatsoever.
15:33I shall, of course,
15:34respect your wishes,
15:35Blackadder.
15:36However,
15:36I don't think you need
15:37to be quite so protective.
15:38I'm sure she's a girl
15:39with a great deal
15:40more spunk
15:40than most women you find.
15:43Oh, dear me.
15:46Absolutely not, sir.
15:47It's profoundly immoral
15:49and utterly wrong.
15:50I will not do it.
15:50We can always find
15:51another leading lady.
15:53Well, the dress
15:54will need a clean.
15:55Excellent.
15:56Now, the important thing is
15:57that Melchitz should
15:58under no circumstances
15:59realise that you're a man.
16:01Yes, yes,
16:01I understand that.
16:02In order to ensure this,
16:03there are three basic rules.
16:05One, you must never,
16:06I repeat,
16:07never remove your wig.
16:09All right.
16:10Second,
16:11never say anything.
16:12I'm telling at the beginning
16:13of the evening
16:14that you're saving your voice
16:15for the opening night
16:16in London.
16:16Excellent, sir.
16:17And what's the third?
16:18The third is most important.
16:20Don't get drunk
16:21and let him shag you
16:22on the veranda.
16:30How do I look, darling?
16:33Girl bait, sir.
16:34Pure, bloody girl bait.
16:36Mustache?
16:37Bushly enough?
16:38Like a privet head, sir.
16:40Good,
16:41because I want to catch
16:42a particularly beautiful creature
16:44in this bush tonight.
16:46I'm sure you'll be
16:47caming women
16:48out of your moustache
16:48for weeks, sir.
16:50God,
16:50it's a spankingly
16:52beautiful world
16:53and tonight's my night.
16:55I know exactly
16:56what I'll say to her.
16:57Darling.
16:58Yes, sir?
17:00What?
17:01Um,
17:01I don't know, sir.
17:02Well, don't butt him.
17:03Sorry, sir.
17:05I want to make you
17:06happy, darling.
17:07Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
17:09Will you kindly
17:09stop interrupting?
17:11If you don't listen,
17:12how can you tell me
17:12what you think?
17:13I want to make you
17:14happy, darling.
17:15I want to build a nest
17:16for your ten tiny toes.
17:18I want to cover
17:19every inch of your
17:20gorgeous body
17:21in pepper
17:22and then sneeze
17:23all over you.
17:24Really, sir?
17:25I'm not protest.
17:26What is the matter
17:27with you, darling?
17:29Well,
17:29it's just all so sudden, sir.
17:32I mean,
17:33the nest bit's fine,
17:34but the pepper business
17:35is definitely out.
17:36How dare you tell me
17:38how I may or may not
17:39treat my beloved Georgina?
17:41Georgina?
17:42Yes.
17:42I'm working out
17:43what I want to say
17:43to her this evening.
17:44Oh, yes.
17:45Of course.
17:46Thank God.
17:48All right?
17:49Yes, sir.
17:50Listening, sir.
17:51Honestly, darling,
17:52you really are
17:52the most graceless,
17:54dim-witted bumpkin
17:55I ever met.
17:56I don't think
17:57you should say that to us.
17:59No!
18:01Where the hell's that, George?
18:03It's three o'clock
18:04in the morning.
18:04You should be careful
18:05wandering around
18:05the trench at night
18:06with nothing to protect
18:07his honour
18:07but a cricket box.
18:11Hello, Captain.
18:12About time.
18:13Where the hell
18:14have you been?
18:14Oh, I don't know.
18:15It's all been
18:16like a dream,
18:17my very first ball.
18:19The music,
18:20the dancing,
18:21the champagne.
18:22My mind is a mad world.
18:25Half-whispered conversations
18:26with the promise
18:27of indiscretion
18:27ever hanging in the air.
18:29Oh, did that old
18:30stoat milcher
18:31try for a snog
18:31behind the fruit cup?
18:33Certainly not.
18:35The general behaved
18:35like a perfect gentleman.
18:37We tired the moon
18:38without talking
18:39about everything
18:39and nothing.
18:40The war,
18:41marriage,
18:42proposed changes
18:43to the LBW rule.
18:46Milcher isn't married,
18:47is he?
18:48No, no.
18:48All his life
18:49he's been waiting
18:50to meet the perfect woman
18:51and at last tonight
18:52he did.
18:53What?
18:53Some poor unfortunate
18:55had old walrus face
18:56dribbling in her ear
18:57all evening,
18:57did you?
18:58Oh, yes.
18:58As a matter of fact,
18:59I did have to drape
19:00a napkin over my shoulder,
19:01yes.
19:04George,
19:05are you trying to tell me
19:06that you are
19:07the general's
19:07perfect woman?
19:09Well, yes,
19:09I rather think
19:11I am.
19:12Well, thank God
19:13the horny old blighter
19:14didn't ask you
19:15to marry him.
19:19You did?
19:21Well, how did you
19:22get out of that one?
19:23Well, to be honest,
19:24sir, I'm not
19:24absolutely certain
19:25that I did.
19:26What?
19:27Well, you've got
19:28to understand
19:29what it was like,
19:29sir, you know,
19:30the candles,
19:31the music,
19:32the huge moustache,
19:33I don't know
19:34what came over me.
19:35You said yes?
19:37Oh, after all,
19:38sir, he is a general.
19:39I didn't really
19:39feel I could refuse.
19:41He might have
19:41had me court-martialed.
19:43Whereas, on the other
19:43hand, of course,
19:44he's going to give
19:45you the Victoria Cross
19:46when he lifts up
19:46your frock on the
19:47wedding night
19:48and finds himself
19:49looking at the
19:50last turkey
19:51in the shop.
19:53Yes, I am.
19:54I know it's a mess,
19:55sir, but you see,
19:56you got me squiffy
19:57and then when he
19:58looked into my eyes
19:59and said,
20:00Chipmunk,
20:00I love you.
20:01Chipmunk?
20:03Yes, but it's
20:04his special name
20:04for me, you see.
20:05He says my nose
20:06looks just like
20:07a chipmunk.
20:07Oh, God.
20:09We're in serious,
20:10serious trouble here.
20:11If the general
20:11ever finds out
20:12the gorgeous Georgina
20:13is in fact
20:14a strapping six-footer
20:15from the rough
20:16end of the trench,
20:17it could precipitate
20:18the fastest execution
20:19since someone said,
20:20this Guy Fawkes bloke,
20:22do we let him off
20:23or what?
20:28Hello?
20:29Yes, sir.
20:31Psst, straight away, sir.
20:33That was your fiancée,
20:36Chipmunk.
20:37He wants to see me.
20:39If I should die,
20:41think only this of me.
20:43I'll be back to get you.
20:50Sir, I can explain
20:51everything.
20:52Can you, Blackadder?
20:54Can you?
20:55Well, no, sir,
20:57not really.
20:58I thought not.
20:59I thought not.
21:00Who can explain
21:01the mysteries of love?
21:03I'm in love
21:04with Georgina, Blackadder.
21:06I'm going to marry her
21:07on Saturday
21:07and I want you
21:08to be my best man.
21:11I don't think
21:12that would be
21:12a very good idea, sir.
21:13And why not?
21:15Because there's something
21:16wrong with your fiancée, sir.
21:18Oh, my God.
21:19She's not Welsh, is she?
21:22No, sir.
21:23It's a terrible story,
21:25but true.
21:25Just a few minutes ago,
21:27Georgina arrived
21:28unexpectedly in my trench.
21:29She was literally
21:30dancing with joy,
21:32as though something
21:33wonderful had happened
21:34to her.
21:34Makes sense.
21:35Unfortunately,
21:36she was in such a daze,
21:37she danced straight
21:38through the trench
21:39and out into
21:40no-man's land.
21:41I tried to stop her,
21:42but before I could say,
21:44don't tread on a mine,
21:46she trod on a mine.
21:47Oh!
21:48No!
21:49Well, I say a mine,
21:50it was more a cluster
21:51of mines,
21:51and she was blowing
21:52to smithereens,
21:54and as she rocketed
21:55up into the air,
21:56she said something
21:57I couldn't quite catch,
21:59totally incomprehensible
22:00to me,
22:00something like,
22:01tell him his little chipmunk
22:03will love him forever,
22:05I mean, I...
22:05Oh!
22:07How?
22:08How?
22:09How?
22:10Oh!
22:11Oh, it's heartbreaking, sir.
22:13I'm sorry, sir.
22:14Well, can't be helped,
22:15can't be helped.
22:17It's jolly bad luck, sir.
22:19Hey-ho.
22:19And of course,
22:20on top of everything else,
22:22without your leading lady,
22:23you won't be able
22:24to put on the show.
22:25So no show,
22:26no London Palladium.
22:28On the contrary.
22:30I was simply intending
22:31to rename it
22:32The Georgina Melchit
22:33Memorial Show.
22:34Oh, no!
22:36Georgina was the only thing
22:37that made the show
22:38come alive!
22:39Apart from her,
22:39it was all awful!
22:41Awful?
22:42Yes, you'll never find
22:43another girl like Georgina
22:44by tomorrow.
22:46Well, it's funny
22:47you should say that, sir,
22:48because I think
22:48I already have.
22:50Who is she?
22:50Who is she?
22:51So come on, sir,
22:52who is she?
22:53Well, that's the problem,
22:54isn't it,
22:54having a bloody clue.
22:56The only attractive woman
22:57around here
22:58is carved out of stone
22:59called Venus
23:00and is standing in a fountain
23:01in the middle of the town square
23:03with water coming out
23:04of her armpits.
23:05So we're a bit stuck.
23:07Morning, chaps.
23:08Morning, Bob.
23:08Morning, Bob.
23:09You can say that again, George.
23:11We're in the stickiest situation
23:13since Sticky the Stick insect
23:15got stuck on a sticky bun.
23:18We are in trouble.
23:20Not me longer, sir.
23:25May I present
23:26my cunning plan.
23:30Don't be ridiculous,
23:31Bollick.
23:32Can you sing?
23:32Can you dance?
23:33Or are you offering
23:34to be sawn in half?
23:36I don't think those things
23:37are important
23:38in a modern marriage, sir.
23:39I offer simple home cooking.
23:43Bollick,
23:44our plan is to find
23:45a new leading lady
23:46for our show.
23:47What is your plan?
23:48My plan is that
23:50I will marry
23:51General Melchit.
23:53I am
23:54the other woman.
23:56Ah, well,
23:57congratulations, Bollick.
23:58I hope you'll be very happy.
24:00I will, sir.
24:01Because when I get back
24:02from honeymoon,
24:02I will be a member
24:03of the aristocracy
24:04and you will have to
24:06call me me lady.
24:08What happened to your
24:08revolutionary principles, Bollick?
24:10I thought you hated
24:11the aristocracy.
24:12I'm working to bring down
24:13the system from within, sir.
24:15I'm a sort of a frozen horse.
24:19Trojan horse.
24:21Anyway, I can't see
24:22what's so stupid
24:23about marrying into
24:24wealth and money
24:25and not having to sleep
24:26in a puddle.
24:27Bollick?
24:28No.
24:28It's the worst plan
24:30since Abraham Lincoln
24:31said, oh, I'm sick
24:32of kicking around
24:33the house tonight.
24:33Let's go take in a show.
24:36For a start,
24:37General Melchit
24:38is in mourning
24:39for the woman of his dreams.
24:40He's unlikely
24:41to be in the mood
24:42to marry a two-legged
24:43badger wrapped in a curtain.
24:45Secondly,
24:46we are looking
24:46for a great entertainer
24:48and you're
24:48the worst entertainer
24:50since St. Paul
24:50the Evangelist
24:51toured Palestine
24:52with his trampoline act.
24:54Now we'll have to
24:55find somebody else.
24:57What about
24:58Corporal Cartwright, sir?
24:59Corporal Cartwright
25:00looks like an orang-a-tang.
25:02I've heard of
25:03the bearded lady
25:04but the all-over-body-hair lady
25:06fathily just isn't one.
25:08Willis?
25:09Too short.
25:11Petheridge?
25:11Too old.
25:13Taplo?
25:14Too dead.
25:17Oh, this is hopeless.
25:19There just isn't anyone.
25:21Goodbye, goodbye.
25:24Wipe the tear, baby dear,
25:26from your eye.
25:27What am I doing, Bob?
25:30Sir?
25:32Sir, what a brilliant idea.
25:34Bob, can you think of anyone
25:36who could be our leading lady?
25:45What do you think, Bob?
25:46One more?
25:47No, George.
25:47Always leave them hungry.
25:49Congratulations, Bob.
25:50I have to admit,
25:50I thought you were
25:51bloody marvellous.
25:52Thank you, sir.
25:53Permission to slip
25:54into something more
25:54uncomfortable, sir?
25:55Permission granted.
25:57Oh, sir,
25:58it's going to be wonderful.
25:59Not just for me,
26:01but for my little partner,
26:02Graham.
26:03Doing our Charlie
26:04chatting all round the world.
26:06Yes.
26:07From Shaftesbury Avenue
26:08to the Cote d'Azur,
26:09they'll be saying,
26:10I like the little black one,
26:12but who's that
26:12Berkey sitting on?
26:14I'm not with you, sir.
26:15Of course not.
26:16But don't worry,
26:17we'll have years
26:18in luxury hotels
26:19for me to explain.
26:20Now, you two get packing,
26:21get packing.
26:21The boat train leaves
26:22at six,
26:22and we're going to be on it.
26:25Black Adam.
26:25Ah, darling,
26:27everything all right?
26:28Oh, yes.
26:29Got the tickets?
26:29Oh, yes.
26:30Ah.
26:31Black Adam?
26:32Oh, hi, General.
26:34Enjoy the show?
26:34Don't be ridiculous.
26:35The worst evening
26:36I've ever spent in my life.
26:37I'm sorry?
26:38Will you stand still
26:39when I'm talking to you?
26:40If by a man's words
26:42shall he know him,
26:42then you are a steaming
26:43pile of horse manure.
26:45But surely, sir,
26:46the show was a triumph.
26:47A triumph?
26:48The three twerps
26:50were one twerp short.
26:52Again.
26:53The slug balancer
26:55seems now
26:55to be doing
26:56some feeble impression
26:57of Buster Keaton.
26:59And worst of all,
27:01the crowning turd
27:02in the water pipe,
27:04the revolting drag act
27:06at the end.
27:07Drag act?
27:08Yes,
27:09poor Bob Parker
27:10is being made
27:10to look a total arse
27:11with a thin,
27:13reedy voice
27:13and a stupid,
27:14effeminate dancing.
27:16Ah.
27:16So the show's cancelled.
27:18Permanently.
27:19But what about
27:20the men's morale, sir,
27:21with the Russians
27:22out of the war
27:22and everything?
27:23Oh, for goodness sake,
27:24Blackhead,
27:24have you been living
27:25in a cave?
27:26The Americans
27:27joined the war
27:28yesterday.
27:29So how is that
27:29going to improve
27:30the men's morale, sir?
27:31Oh, because,
27:33you gibbering imbecile,
27:34they've brought with them
27:36the largest collection
27:37of Charlie Chaplin films
27:38in existence.
27:40I've lost patience
27:41with you.
27:41Fill him in, darling.
27:42Yes, sir.
27:44We received a telegram
27:45this morning
27:46from Mr Chaplin himself
27:47at Senate Studios.
27:49Twice-nightly screening
27:50of my films in trenches.
27:51Excellent idea.
27:53Stop.
27:53But must insist
27:54E. Blackadder
27:55be projectionist.
27:57Stop.
27:58Oh, P.S.
27:59Don't let him ever
28:00stop.
28:04Oh, great.
28:05No hard feelings,
28:06eh, Blackadder?
28:07Not at all, darling.
28:09Uh,
28:10careful licorice also.
28:14Well, thank you.
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