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00:00PIANO PLAYS
00:35Oh, Mr Blackadder?
00:37Leave me alone, Balric.
00:38If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market.
00:42Don't you want this message?
00:44No, thank you.
00:45God, I'm wasted here.
00:47There's no life for a man of noble blood being served into a master
00:50with the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty.
00:56I'm wasted too.
00:57I've been thinking of bettering myself.
01:00Oh, really? How?
01:01I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington.
01:04Oh, get anywhere?
01:06I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview.
01:09Oh, what went wrong?
01:10I turned up.
01:12I thought he looked like such an idiot, he forgot to.
01:15Yes, I'm afraid my ambition stretched slightly further
01:17than professional idiocy in West London.
01:19I want to be remembered when I'm dead.
01:21I want books written about me.
01:23I want songs sung about me.
01:25And then hundreds of years from now,
01:27I want episodes from my life to be played out weekly at half past nine
01:31by some great heroic actor of the age.
01:35Yeah.
01:35And I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
01:40Quite.
01:40Now, what's this message?
01:41I thought you didn't want it.
01:43Well, I may do.
01:43It depends what it is.
01:44So, you do want it?
01:46Well, I don't know, do I?
01:46It depends what it is.
01:47Well, I can't tell you what it is unless you want to know.
01:49And you said you didn't want to know.
01:50And now I'm so confused, I don't know where I live or what my name is.
01:54Your name is of no importance.
01:56And you live in the pipe in the upstairs water closet.
02:00Oh, God.
02:00Was the man who gave you this by any chance
02:02a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and a claymore?
02:05Yeah.
02:05And the funny thing is, he looked exactly like you.
02:08My mad cousin, Makada.
02:10The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.
02:14Yeah, he come in here playing the bagpipes,
02:17then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne,
02:19and punched me in the face.
02:21Why?
02:22Because I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock.
02:25An unwise action, Baldrick,
02:27since mad Makada is a homicidal maniac.
02:30My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs.
02:33Yes, if this is the same mother who confidently claims
02:35that you are a tall, handsome stallion of a man,
02:39I should treat her opinions with extreme caution.
02:42I love my mum.
02:43And I love chops and sauce,
02:44but I don't seek their advice.
02:46And I hate it when Makada turns up.
02:49He's such a frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket case.
02:53He's the spitting image of you.
02:55No, he's not.
02:56About as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.
03:01I feel tartan throwback banging on about this time.
03:05They've come south for rebellion.
03:07Oh, God, surprise, surprise.
03:10Staying with Miggins, the time has come.
03:12Best sword in Scotland.
03:14Insurrection, blood, large bowl of porridge.
03:18Rightful claim to the throne.
03:20He's mad.
03:21He's mad!
03:22He's madder than Mad Jack MacMad,
03:25the winner of last year's Mr. Madman competition.
03:30Ah!
03:31The walrus awakes.
03:34Ah!
03:35Blackadder.
03:36Notice anything unusual?
03:38Yes, sir.
03:39It's 11.30 in the morning and you're moving about.
03:43Is the bed on fire?
03:46Well, I wouldn't know.
03:47I've been out all night.
03:50Guess what I've been doing?
03:54Beagling, sir?
03:57Better even than that.
03:58Oh, sink me, Blackadder,
04:00if I haven't just had the most wonderful evening of my life.
04:03Tell me all, sir.
04:04Well, as you know, when I set out, I looked divine.
04:07At the party as I passed, all eyes turned.
04:10And I dare say, quite a few stomachs.
04:12Well, that's right.
04:14And then, these two ravishing beauties
04:17came up to me and whispered in my ear
04:19that they loved me.
04:22And what happened after you woke up, sir?
04:25Well, this was no dream, Blackadder.
04:29Five minutes later, I was in a coach
04:30flying through the London night, bound for the ladies' home.
04:34Oh, and which ladies' home is this?
04:36A home for the elderly
04:37or a home for the mentally disadvantaged?
04:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:42This was Apsley House.
04:43Do you know it?
04:44Yes, sir.
04:45It is the seat of the Duke of Wellington.
04:47Those ladies, I fancy, would be his nieces.
04:50Oh, so you fancy them, too?
04:51Well, I don't blame you.
04:53Bravo!
04:53Oh, I spent a night of ecstasy
04:55with a pair of Wellingtons, and I loved it.
04:58Sir, it may interest you to know
05:00that the Iron Duke has always let it be known
05:02that he will kill in cold blood
05:04anyone who takes sexual advantage
05:06of any of his relatives.
05:07Yes, but big-nosed Wellington is in Spain
05:09fighting the French, you'll never know.
05:11On the contrary, sir,
05:11Wellington triumphed six months ago.
05:14I'm dead.
05:15It would seem so, sir.
05:18I'm going to pray, have I, Blackadder?
05:19Against throat-slasher Wellington,
05:21the finest blade his majesty commands?
05:24Not really, no.
05:25Well, then I shall flee.
05:27How's your French, Blackadder?
05:28Parfait, monsieur,
05:29but I fear France would not be far enough.
05:32Well, how's your Mongolian?
05:34Chang-ha-tang-ma-tom-ma-tom.
05:37But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend
05:39of the chief Mongol.
05:41They were at Eden together.
05:43I'm doomed, doomed as the dodo.
05:46Oh, my God, he's here!
05:47Wellington's here already!
05:49Oh, your grace, forgive me, forgive me.
05:51I didn't know what I was doing.
05:51I was a mad, mad, sexually overactive fool.
05:55Sir, it's Baldrick.
05:56You're perfectly safe.
05:58Hurrah!
05:59Ah, until six o'clock tonight.
06:02Hurrah.
06:02From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe, sir.
06:06Prince or pauper,
06:07when a man soils a Wellington,
06:09he puts his foot in it.
06:12This is not a joke.
06:14I do not find my name remotely funny,
06:16and people who do end up dead.
06:19I challenge you to a duel tonight at 1800 hours,
06:22in which you will die.
06:24Yours with sincere apologies
06:25for your impending violent slaughter,
06:27Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington.
06:29Sounds nice, polite, sort of bloke.
06:33No!
06:34Don't worry, sir, please.
06:35Just consider that life is a valley of woe
06:38filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair.
06:41Well, not for me, it bloody isn't.
06:42As far as I'm concerned,
06:43life is a big palace full of food, drink and comfy sofas.
06:46May I speak, sir?
06:48Certainly not, Baldrick.
06:50The Prince is about to die.
06:51The last thing he wants to do in his final moments
06:53is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum duff.
06:57Easy, Black Arrow.
06:58Let's hear him out.
06:59Very well, Baldrick.
07:00We shall hear you out, then throw you out.
07:04Well, Your Majesty,
07:06I have a cunning plan
07:08which could get you out of this problem.
07:10Don't listen to him, sir.
07:11It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes.
07:14I shall have him shot
07:15the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast.
07:17Wait, Blackadder,
07:18perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature
07:21is some sort of blessing in disguise.
07:23Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise.
07:25After all,
07:26did not our Lord send a lowly earthworm
07:28to comfort Moses in his torment?
07:30Nope.
07:32Well, it's the sort of thing you might have done.
07:34Well, come on, Mr. Spotsy, speak.
07:35Well, Your Majesty,
07:37I just thought,
07:38this Wellerton bloke's been in Europe for years.
07:41You don't know what he looks like.
07:43He don't know what you looks like.
07:44So why don't you get someone else
07:46to fight the duel instead of you?
07:49But I'm the Prince Regent.
07:51My portrait hangs on every wall.
07:53Answer that, Baldrick.
07:54Well, my cousin Bert Baldrick,
07:57Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dog's body,
07:59he says that he's heard
08:00that all portraits look the same these days
08:02because they're painted to a romantic ideal
08:05rather than as a true depiction
08:06of the idiosyncratic facial qualities
08:08of the person in question.
08:12Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary
08:14than you do.
08:16No, no, no, he's right, damn him.
08:19Anybody could fight the duel.
08:20Willows would never know.
08:21All the same, sir,
08:22Baldrick's plan does seem to hinge
08:24on finding someone willing to commit suicide
08:27on your behalf.
08:28Oh, yes, yes, yes,
08:29but he would be fabulously rewarded.
08:30Money, titles, castle...
08:34A coffin, and...
08:35That's right.
08:35I thought maybe Mr. Blackadder himself
08:38would fancy the job.
08:40What a splendid idea.
08:42Excuse me, Your Highness.
08:43Trouble with the staff.
08:49Baldrick, does it have to be this way?
08:51A valued friendship ending with me
08:53cutting you into long strips
08:55and telling the Prince
08:56that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid
08:59in an extremely heavy hat.
09:01Mr. Blackadder,
09:02you was only just saying in the kitchen
09:04how you wanted to rise again.
09:06Now here the Prince is offering you the lot.
09:08But, tiny, tiny brain,
09:09the Iron Duke will kill me.
09:11To even think about taking him on,
09:13you'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac
09:15who's fantastically good at fighting,
09:17like Mercadder.
09:18Like Mercadder.
09:19Like Mercadder could fight the duel for me.
09:23My apologies, sir.
09:24I was just having a word
09:26with my insurance people.
09:28And obviously,
09:28I would be delighted to die on your behalf.
09:31God's toenails, Blackadder.
09:33I'm most damnably grateful.
09:34You won't regret this, you know.
09:35Well, that's excellent.
09:36There's just one point, sir.
09:38Ray, the suicide policy.
09:40There is an unusual clause
09:41which states that the policyholder
09:43must wear a big red wig
09:45and affect a Scottish accent
09:46in the combat zone.
09:48Small print, eh?
09:52Ah, Mrs. Miggins.
09:54Now I to gather from your look
09:56of pie-eyed exhaustion
09:57and the globules of porridge
09:58hanging off the wall
09:59that my cousin Mercadder
10:01has presented his credentials.
10:03Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
10:05You've just missed him.
10:06I hope he's been practising
10:08with his claymore.
10:09Oh, I should say so.
10:11I'm as weary as a dog with no legs
10:14that's just climbed Ben Nevis.
10:16Claymore is a sword, Mrs. Miggins.
10:18See this intricate wood carving
10:20of the infant Samuel at prayer?
10:22He whittled that
10:23with the tip of his mighty weapon
10:25with his eyes closed.
10:27Yes, excuse me.
10:28He bid me bite on a plank.
10:30There was a whirlwind of steel
10:31and within a minute
10:32three men lay dead
10:33and I had a lovely new set of gnashers.
10:36Good morning.
10:37Well, look, just tell him
10:38to meet me here at five o'clock,
10:39will you,
10:40to discuss an extremely cunning plan.
10:42If all goes well,
10:43by tomorrow the clan of Macadder
10:45will be marching the high road
10:46back to glory.
10:47Oh, lovely.
10:49I'll do you a nice packed lunch.
10:51Good news, Your Highness.
10:53This evening I will carve the Duke
10:54into an attractive piece of furniture
10:56with some excellent dental work.
10:59Your Highness?
11:01Your Highness.
11:02Oh!
11:03Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder.
11:05I've just had word from Wellington
11:06and he's on his way here now.
11:08Oh, that's awkward.
11:09The Duke must believe
11:10from the very start
11:11that I am you.
11:12Well, any ideas?
11:13There's no alternative, sir.
11:15We must swap clothes.
11:16Oh, fantastic.
11:17Yes, dressing up.
11:18I love it.
11:20It's like that story,
11:21the prince and the porpoise.
11:23And the pauper.
11:24Oh, yes, yes.
11:26The prince and the porpoise
11:27and the pauper.
11:28Excellent.
11:32Excellent.
11:33Why, my own father
11:34wouldn't recognise me.
11:35Your own father never can.
11:37He's mad.
11:37Oh, yes.
11:39Unfortunately, sir,
11:40you do realise
11:40that I shall have to treat you
11:42like a servant.
11:43Oh, I think I can cope with that.
11:45Thank you, Blackadder.
11:46And you'll have to get used
11:47to calling me
11:47Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:49Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:52No, just Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:54That's what I said.
11:55Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:57Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:59Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we?
12:01Complicated stuff, obviously.
12:04He knows he's here.
12:06But what, who, where, how?
12:10Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick.
12:12Two people you know well
12:13have exchanged coats
12:14and now you don't know which is which.
12:16I'm pretty confused myself.
12:18Which one of us is Wellington?
12:23Wellington is the man at the door.
12:25Oh, on the porpoise?
12:32Hasn't arrived yet, sir.
12:33We'll just have to fill in
12:35as best we can with that.
12:36Sir, if you would let the Duke in.
12:38Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness.
12:43And you'd better get out too, Baldrick.
12:45Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness.
12:48If only they had a brain cell between them.
12:52The Duke of Wellington.
12:54Have I the honour of addressing the Prince Regent, sir?
12:57You do?
12:58Hmm.
12:59Congratulations, Highness.
13:00Your bearing is far nobler than I've been informed.
13:03Take my hand at once, sir,
13:05unless you wish to feel my boot in your throat
13:06and be quicker about it than you were with a door.
13:09Yes, my lord.
13:09I'm a Duke, not a Lord.
13:11Don't you train to Dago dancing class?
13:14Shall I have my people thrash him for you, Highness?
13:16Um, no, he's very new.
13:18At the moment, I'm sparing the rod.
13:20Yeah, fatal error.
13:21Give him an inch, and before you know it,
13:22they've got a foot.
13:23Much more than that,
13:24you don't have a leg to stand on.
13:26Get out!
13:29So, sir, to business.
13:31I'm informed that your royal father
13:33grows ever more eccentric,
13:35and at present he believes himself to be
13:36a small village in Lincolnshire,
13:40commanding spectacular views of the Neen Valley.
13:44I therefore pass my full account of the war
13:46on to you, the Prince of Wales.
13:48Oh, that's excellent.
13:50We won.
13:51Signed, Wellington.
13:53I've seen something that quite well.
13:55Was there anything else?
13:56Two other trifling affairs, sir.
13:58The men had a whip round and got you this.
14:00Well, what I mean is,
14:01I had the men roundly whipped
14:02until they got you this.
14:04It's a Cibarillo case,
14:06engraved with the regimental crest
14:07of two crossed dead Frenchmen,
14:10emblaidled on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif.
14:14Thank you very much.
14:15And the other trifling thing?
14:17Your impending death, Highness.
14:19Oh, yes, of course.
14:20Mind like a sieve.
14:21I cannot deny.
14:22I'm looking forward to it.
14:24Britain has the finest trade,
14:25the finest armies,
14:26the finest navies in the world.
14:28And what do we have for royalty?
14:30A mad kraut sausage sucker
14:32and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself.
14:37The sooner you're dead, the better.
14:38You're very kind.
14:39Now, you're no doubt anxious
14:40to catch up with the latest news of the war.
14:42I have here the most recent briefs
14:44from my general in the field.
14:45Yes, well, if you could just pop them
14:47in the laundry basket on the way out.
14:48Tea?
14:50Yes, immediately.
14:54Now, let's turn to the second front, my lord.
14:56Ah, yes.
14:57Now, as I understand it,
14:59Napoleon is in North Africa
15:01and Nelson is stationed in...
15:03Alaska, your highness.
15:04In case Boney should try and trick us
15:07by coming via the North Pole.
15:10Yes, perhaps a preferable stratagem, your grace,
15:13might be to harry him amidships
15:15as he leaves the Mediterranean.
15:17Ah, Trafalgar might be quite a good...
15:20Trafalgar?
15:20Well, I'll mention it to Nelson.
15:22I must say, I'm beginning to regret
15:24the necessity of killing you, your highness.
15:26I've been told by everybody
15:27that the prince was a confounded moron.
15:29Oh, no, no, no, no.
15:30Oh, Helen Buckshot,
15:32here's that tiresome servant of yours again.
15:34Oh, budge up, budge up.
15:36How dare you sit, sir,
15:38in the presence of your beggars?
15:40Get up!
15:40Oh, Christ, yes, I forgot.
15:41You speak when you're spoken to.
15:44Unless you'd rather be flayed
15:45across a gun carriage.
15:46Well?
15:49Sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier.
15:52We no longer treat servants that way
15:53in London society.
15:55Why, I hardly touched the man.
15:57I think you hit him very hard.
15:59Nonsense!
16:00That would have been a hard hit.
16:02I just hit him like that.
16:05No, sir.
16:06A soft hit would be like this.
16:09Whereas you hit him like this.
16:19I wonder if I might be excused,
16:21your highness, your highness.
16:22I'm very simply.
16:25I'm sorry about that, sir,
16:26but one has to keep up the pretense.
16:28I don't quite understand.
16:29You carry on the good work.
16:31Very well, sir.
16:34There you are.
16:35This is bloody coffee.
16:37I ordered tea.
16:39You're a bloody fool, aren't you?
16:41I heard everywhere that the prince was the imbecile,
16:44whereas his servant, Blackadder,
16:45was respected about the town.
16:47Now that I discover the truth,
16:48I'm disposed to beat you to death.
16:51Tea!
16:52Tea!
16:59Tell me,
17:00did you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders?
17:03No!
17:03There's only one way to win a campaign.
17:06Shout, shout, and shout again!
17:08You don't think, then,
17:09that inspired leadership and tactical ability
17:11have anything to do with it?
17:13No!
17:15It's all down to shouting!
17:17Ah!
17:19I hear that conditions in your army are appalling.
17:22Well, I'm sorry,
17:23but those are my conditions,
17:24and you'll just have to accept them.
17:26That is, until this evening,
17:28when I shall kill you.
17:29Hmm.
17:29Who knows?
17:30Maybe I shall kill you.
17:32Dear nonsense!
17:33I've never been so much as scratched.
17:35My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
17:38It is more than you can say for my bottom.
17:43I should perhaps warn you
17:45that while duelling,
17:46I tend to put on my lucky wig and regimental accent.
17:50That won't help you.
17:52It would take a homicidal maniac in a claymore and a kilt
17:55to get the better of me.
17:58Well, that's handy.
18:01I tell you, Paul,
18:02I'm not leaving this kitchen until that man is out of the house.
18:05It's all right, Your Majesty.
18:07Don't worry.
18:08I'll deal with this.
18:10Hello, Baldrick.
18:11I've brought you buns.
18:13Where's Mr Blackadder?
18:14Oh, not upstairs,
18:16still running about after that
18:17port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots.
18:22I don't know who you mean.
18:25Prince George, Baldrick.
18:27His boots smell so bad
18:29a man would need to have his nose amputated
18:31before taking them off.
18:32Well, that's what Mr Blackadder says.
18:35That's a joke.
18:36Didn't you write a little poem about him last week?
18:39No, I didn't.
18:40Oh, you did.
18:42In the winter, it's cool.
18:43In the summer, it's hot.
18:45But all the year round,
18:46Prince George is a clot.
18:49A lovely.
18:50I said Prince George is a lovely.
18:52Oh, well, I'd better be off, anyway.
18:55Tell Mr Blackadder to expect Mr Macadder
18:58at five o'clock
18:58as soon as that fat Prussian truffle pig
19:01has got his snout wedged into a bucket of tea cakes.
19:06I think it must be next door,
19:08your wanting strange woman
19:10who I've never seen before, Mrs Miggins.
19:14Baldrick.
19:15Yes, Your Highness.
19:16Is it true?
19:18Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am?
19:24Yes.
19:25And Mr Blackadder loves you too.
19:28Well, I must say, I find that very touching.
19:30I do.
19:31I wish they wouldn't keep on doing that.
19:34Well, goodbye, sir.
19:36And may the best man win,
19:37i.e. me.
19:40Your tea, sir.
19:41You're late!
19:42What the hell have you been for in India?
19:46Or Salon?
19:49China!
19:52And don't bother to show me the way out.
19:54I don't want to die of old age
19:55before I get to the front door.
19:58Ah, Miggins.
19:59So, where's Miggins?
20:01I thought he was going to be here at five o'clock.
20:03Yes, I'm sorry.
20:04He's just popped out.
20:06You look,
20:07I have a sound similar to each other,
20:08you know,
20:09it's quite eerie.
20:10Look, did you tell him to be here or not?
20:11I did, I did.
20:13You just seem to keep missing each other.
20:15I can't imagine why.
20:17I'll tell you why.
20:18That's because there's no coffee shop in England
20:21big enough for two black adders.
20:23Ah, good day, cousin Miggins.
20:26I trust you are well?
20:27Aye, well enough.
20:29And Morag?
20:30She bides fine.
20:32And how stands that mighty army,
20:34the clan Makada?
20:35They're both well.
20:38I always thought that Jamie and Angus
20:40were such fine boys.
20:42Angus is a girl.
20:45So, tell me, cousin,
20:47I hear you have a cunning plan.
20:49I do, I do.
20:51I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent
20:54and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.
20:57Aye?
20:57And what's in it for me?
20:59Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides.
21:01What do you think?
21:03Fourteen shillings and sixpence?
21:05Well, it's tempting.
21:07But I've got an even better plan.
21:09Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington
21:12and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel?
21:14Then I could kill the king
21:15and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of Makada.
21:19And I shall wear the granite gown
21:22and limestone bodice of MacMiggins,
21:24queen of all the herds.
21:27Look, for God's sake, Makada,
21:28you're not Rob Roy.
21:30You're a top kipper salesman
21:31with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers.
21:34Don't throw it all away.
21:36If you kill the Prince,
21:37they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you.
21:39Oh, blast.
21:40I forgot the bailiffs.
21:42So we can return to our original plan, then?
21:44No, I'm not interested.
21:46I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lohman monster.
21:48Look, and besides,
21:49I have to be back in the office on Friday.
21:51I promised Mr McNulty
21:52I'd shift a particularly difficult bloater for him.
21:56I did the whole thing.
21:58I'm off home with Migsy.
22:00Yes, yes.
22:01Show me the glen where the kipper roams free.
22:04And forget Morag forever.
22:07No, never.
22:08We must do right by Morag.
22:09We must return to Scotland
22:11and you must fight her in the old Highland way.
22:13Bare-breasted and each carrying an eight-pound baby.
22:16Oh, yes.
22:17Yes.
22:18Babies.
22:19Punk.
22:20Oh, yeah, woman of spirit.
22:22I look forward to burying you in the old Highland Manor.
22:25Farewell, Blackadder, you spineless goon.
22:28Oh, God.
22:31Fortune vomits on my Eiderdown once.
22:36Ah, Blackadder.
22:38It has been a wild afternoon full of strange omens.
22:42I dreamt that a large eagle circled the room three times
22:46and then got into bed with me and took all the blankets.
22:49And then I saw that it wasn't an eagle at all, but a large black snake.
22:53Also, Duncan's horses did turn and eat each other, as usual.
22:58Good portents for your duel, do you think?
22:59Not very good, sir.
23:01I'm afraid the duel is off.
23:03Off?
23:03As in sod.
23:05I'm not doing it.
23:06But, Thunder, here's a pretty game.
23:08You will stay, sir, and do duty by your prince, or I shall...
23:12Oh, what?
23:12You port-brained twerp.
23:15I've looked after you all my life.
23:17Even when we were babies,
23:19I had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks.
23:23Oh, please, please, you've got to help me.
23:25I don't want to die.
23:26I've got so much to give.
23:28I want more time.
23:29Poignant, please, sir, enough to melt the stoniest of hearts.
23:32But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain,
23:34you're going to die, fat pig.
23:37Oh, wait, wait, wait.
23:39I'll give you everything.
23:43Everything?
23:43Everything.
23:44The money, the castles, the jewellery?
23:46Yes.
23:47The highly artistic but also highly illegal set of French lithographs?
23:51Everything.
23:52The amusing clock where the little man comes out
23:54and drops his trousers every half hour?
23:57Yes, yes, all right.
23:58Very well, I accept.
23:59A man may fight for many things.
24:02His country, his principles, his friends.
24:04The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.
24:07But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother
24:10for a ton of cash, an amusing clock,
24:12and a sack of French porn.
24:15Yeah, right.
24:16Hurrah!
24:19Right, Baldrick, now here's the plan.
24:21When he offers me the swords,
24:23I kick him on the nuts and you set fire to the building.
24:27In the confusion, we claim a draw.
24:29Yes.
24:29Ah, your highness, let's be about our business.
24:32Now, don't forget, Baldrick,
24:34you when I...
24:37Now, sir, choose your stooker.
24:42What, are we going to tickle each other to death?
24:45No, sir, we fight with cannon.
24:48But I thought we were fighting with swords.
24:50Swords?
24:51What do you think this is, the Middle Ages?
24:53Only girls fight with swords these days.
24:56Stand by again, sir.
24:58A toothy!
24:59A toothy!
25:00Look, wait a minute, fucker.
25:01Stand by cannon for loading procedure.
25:04Spoke, muzzle, grant, crank the swords.
25:07Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong Whitworth
25:12four-pounder cannonet.
25:15Please read instructions carefully
25:17and it should give you years of trouble-free maiming.
25:22Check elevation, charge trajectory,
25:25prime fuse, aim.
25:28Look, wait a minute.
25:29Fire!
25:32Mr. B, Mr. B, sir, please,
25:35help me get his coat off.
25:36Leave it, Baldrick.
25:38It doesn't matter.
25:38Yes, it does.
25:39Blood's hell to shift.
25:40I want to get it in soap.
25:42You die like a man, sir, in combat.
25:45You think so?
25:47Dammit, we must build a better world.
25:49When will the killing end?
25:50You don't think I, too, dream of peace?
25:53You don't think I, too, yearn to end
25:55this damn dirty job we call soldiering.
25:58Frankly, no.
26:00My final wish upon this earth is that Baldrick be sold
26:03to provide funds for a Blackadder Foundation to promote peace
26:07and to do research into the possibility of an automatic machine for cleaning shoes.
26:11So I charge...
26:16His Highness is dead.
26:18Actually, I'm not sure I am.
26:21Fortunately, that cigarillo box you gave me
26:23was placed exactly at the point the cannonball struck.
26:27I always said smoking was good for you.
26:30Oh, honour is satisfied.
26:33God clearly preserves you for greatness.
26:36His Highness is saved.
26:37Hurrah!
26:39Um, no, actually.
26:40It's me.
26:41I'm His Highness.
26:42Well done, Bladders.
26:43Glad you made it.
26:44What in the name of Bonaparte's balls is this fellow doing now?
26:48No, no, I really am the prince.
26:50It was all just larks.
26:51An uncommon fine larks at that, I thought.
26:53I have never, in all my campaigns, encountered such insolence.
26:58Your master survives an honourable duel
27:00and you cheek him like a French whoopsie.
27:03I can contain myself no longer.
27:08I die.
27:10I hope men will say to me that I did duty by my country.
27:14I think that's pretty unlikely, sir.
27:17If I was you, I'd try for something a bit more realistic.
27:20Like what?
27:20Uh, you hope that men will think of you as a bit of a sickie?
27:24All right, then.
27:25I'll hope that.
27:25Um, toodaloo, everyone.
27:26Let you know and all that.
27:28For His Majesty, the King of England.
27:31Somebody told me my son was here.
27:34I wish him to marry this rosebush
27:38and I want to make the wedding arrangements.
27:44Here I am, Daddy.
27:47This is the Iron Duke, Wellington,
27:49commander of all your armed forces.
27:51Yes, I recognise the enormous conch.
27:54He's a hero, a man of wit and discretion.
27:57Bravo.
27:58You know my son for the first time in my life.
28:01I'm real fatherly feeling about you.
28:05People may say I'm stark raving mad
28:07and say the word penguin after each sentence.
28:11I believe we, too, can make Britain great.
28:15You as the Prince Regent
28:17and I as King Penguin.
28:20Well, let's hope, eh?
28:22Wellington, will you come and dine with us at the palace?
28:25My family have a lot to thank you for.
28:27Yeah, it'll be a great pleasure.
28:28Your father may be as mad as a balloon,
28:30but I think you have the makings of a fine king.
28:33Ah, ne wunderbare Hochzeit, ja?
28:36Owen Baldrick,
28:38clear away that dead butler, will you?
28:44A new star in heaven tonight.
28:47A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie.
28:51Um, no, actually, Baldrick, I'm not dead.
28:54You see, I had a cigarillo box, too.
28:56Look.
28:58Oh, damn, I must have left it on the dresser.
29:10Adam, Adam, Adam.
29:27Oh, oh, oh.
29:41Black Adam
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