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00:04In the reign of good Queen Vic, there stood in Dumpling Lane in old London town the moustache
00:11shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder, the kindest and loveliest man in all England.
00:20He's kind and generous to the sick He'd never spread a nasty rumour
00:31He never gets on people's wick And doesn't love a toilet humour
00:44Blackadder, Blackadder He's sickeningly good
00:54Blackadder, Blackadder As nice as Christmas poor
01:03Humbug! Humbug!
01:09Humbug, Mr Baldrick
01:10Oh, thank you very much
01:14Well, I've got all the presents
01:15And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards
01:18Oh, splendid, let me see
01:20A very messy Christmas
01:23I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be merry?
01:25A merry messy Christmas?
01:27Alright, but the main thing is that it should be messy
01:30Messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe
01:35Yes, I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas or
01:40indeed at any other time is to make a pass at a water closet
01:45Be that as it may
01:47A merry messy Christmas
01:50Christmas has an H in it, Mr Baldrick
01:53And an R
01:55Also an I and an S
01:58Also a T and M and A
02:00And another S
02:01Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning
02:05Congratulations, Mr Baldrick, something of a triumph
02:07I think you must be the first person ever to spell Christmas without getting any of the letters right at
02:11all
02:12Well, I was a bit rushed
02:14I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play
02:17Of course, how did it go?
02:18Well, not very well
02:19At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died
02:23Oh dear, this high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre
02:31What did you do?
02:32Got another Jesus
02:33Oh, thank goodness
02:34And his name?
02:35Spot
02:37There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead
02:42Oh dear
02:42I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind
02:48If all Jesus had ever said was woof
02:52Well, it went alright till the shepherds came on
02:55See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool
02:59On some other dogs
03:01Yeah, and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away
03:07While the angels sing in peace on earth, goodwill to mankind
03:11Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride
03:17Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr. Bollby
03:20Weren't the children upset?
03:22No, they loved it
03:25Ah, the playful young scamps, eh?
03:29Still, what a lovely thought it is
03:31At this very moment, all over the country
03:33From the highest to the lowest
03:35Through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle
03:38Everyone is enjoying Christmas
03:49What are you doing, Albert?
03:51Nothing
03:51Oh, yes you are, you naughty German sausage
03:56Tell me what you're doing
03:57I just said I'm not doing anything
03:59Really, woman, when you're busy ruling India, you don't tell me what you are doing
04:03So why should I tell you what I am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your
04:07surprise Christmas presents
04:10Damn!
04:11Now I have only two surprise presents for you
04:14Dear Albie, don't worry, I don't mind
04:17I do
04:18I love surprises
04:21Christmas without surprises
04:23It's like the nuts without a nutcracker
04:28Which is why I have bought you the surprise nutcracker
04:32Damn!
04:33Damn!
04:34Oh, darling Bobo, don't worry
04:38Besides, haven't you forgotten something?
04:41What?
04:42Our traditional Christmas adventure
04:44Oh, yes, of course
04:46The traditional Christmas adventure
04:48Huzzah!
04:49What traditional Christmas adventure?
04:51You silly soldier
04:53You know when we disguise ourselves as common folk
04:56And go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and the good
05:00Oh, yes, of course
05:01You dumb cop!
05:03How could I forget?
05:05That is not out of the side
05:06For it is so precisely such an outing as this
05:09That I have bought you my final surprise present
05:12This muff which I am going to give you tomorrow
05:15Damn!
05:17Damn!
05:19Damn!
05:21Ah, excellent, excellent
05:23What a splendid spread
05:24Nuts, turkey and presents
05:26What more could a man desire at Christmas?
05:29Well, a tree
05:31Oh, of course
05:32I quite forgot
05:32I dropped in on Mr Thick Twistle's garden emporium
05:36And I think you'll agree
05:38Got quite a bargain
05:39On this special Christmas twig
05:45It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
05:47Yes, but size isn't important, my friend
05:50It's not what you've got
05:51It's where you stick it
05:54Besides, look, we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks
05:59How much is it?
06:00Seventeen pounds and a penny
06:02It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor
06:06Well, yes, but in the feeling good ledger of life, we are rich indeed
06:10Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit short of prezzies and feeling a gullible Pratt
06:14ledger
06:16Well, bless my ten toes, who could that be on this cold night?
06:21Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve
06:25Oh, Mr Blackadder!
06:28I cannot be merry when we are so poor
06:31We shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day
06:33Except what grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails
06:38No goose for Tiny Tom this year
06:41Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and jumped like a brick privy
06:48If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop
06:53But look, there must be something we can do
06:56Ah, that box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need
07:01How much did they cost?
07:02A quid a match
07:04Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts
07:06No!
07:08Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, so here, take ten pounds
07:12So you don't want all the matches then?
07:14There's seventeen of them!
07:16Mrs Scratchit, you have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius
07:20Here, seventeen pounds then
07:23Lovely!
07:24And my best wishes to your massive offspring
07:30So, we add seventeen pounds and a penny
07:33And we give Mrs Scratchit seventeen pounds
07:35So that leaves...
07:37Yes, come on Mr Baldrick
07:39Seventeen pounds and a penny, minus seventeen pounds, leaves...
07:44Thirty-eight pounds, eight shillings of prawns
07:48Not bad Mr Baldrick, the answer is in fact a splendid shining penny
07:53Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slapladder
07:54I mean Blackadder
07:56And to you, young urchin
07:58A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker
08:00I mean sir
08:03Well certainly, here
08:05Going to buy some cake and pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother?
08:09Nah, sod that, I'm off to the gym shop
08:13They grow up so fast these days, bless them
08:17Oh well, another year without profit
08:20Still, it is Christmas
08:22And let us remember, Mr Baldrick
08:23That be we as stony as a biblical execution
08:28It is still the season of good cheer and we have all our Christmas treats
08:31Nuts, turkey and presents
08:34Oh, and my goddaughter Millicent
08:38Secure the ornaments, Baldrick
08:39And let her in
08:41So we can put all our presents under our little tree
08:44A scarf for me, a pair of gloves, Mr Baldrick
08:48And a hat for me
08:50Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe this excellent pleasure?
08:53Oh, I just thought I'd pop round, you know
08:55Just on the off chance
08:57Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents
09:02It is indeed
09:03And look, a lovely hat for my dear goddaughter
09:06Oh, thanks
09:07Oh, and look, a scarf and a pair of gloves to match
09:12That's not bad, I suppose
09:17Yes, jolly good
09:18I'm sorry, I can't stop
09:20I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at lunchtime
09:23Oh, what a splendid idea
09:25It'll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend
09:27So cook a couple of extra turkeys
09:30Thanks for all the prezzies
09:32Why don't you take the flipping tree?
09:35Oh, you are sweet
09:39Bye
09:40My, what a jolly young girl
09:44Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents
09:46Yes, but I thought you and I'd be quite spoilt enough
09:49With the turkey and this mountain of nuts we have
09:54Well, peel my tangerines, this is it
09:57Back
09:57Ah, beetles, charmed, honoured and lovelied in every possible way
10:02Get back
10:04Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir
10:07Beats on earth and fat tums to all men
10:10Well, indeed, indeed
10:11And what of your little orphan charges?
10:14Well, I don't think God charges them enough, as a matter of fact
10:17Luckily, you're here to cover up the shortfall, Mr Blackadder
10:20They're looking forward to coming tomorrow
10:22Perhaps bringing a little surprise for you
10:24Oh, surely not another totally unexpected rendition of
10:28God rest ye merry, Mr Blackadder
10:30Not for me to say, sir
10:31All I can say is it's Christmas as usual
10:33Except, sadly, we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day
10:38Oh, well, what luck, as fate would have it, we have some
10:42Here, help yourselves
10:43No, sir, no, sir, I couldn't take them from you
10:45Absolutely not, it's a song, is it?
10:47Yes
10:48Well, it'll have to do then, see you tomorrow
10:52Well, what a jolly fellow
10:54Look like a fat git to me
10:58Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearances
11:02Strip away the outer layers of a fat git and inside you'll probably find a thing git
11:09But those orphans were a bit fat, too
11:11Well, there's some truth there
11:13Certainly when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects for fear of bursting one
11:19of them
11:19And getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies
11:24Well, what of it?
11:26As long as they're happy
11:27Well, at least we've still got our turkey
11:29And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles
11:32So maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky
11:39Someone will come and reward us
11:40Come on
11:42Dear innocent Mr Baldrick
11:47See?
11:48Well, baste my steaming puddings
11:55Ah, good evening, sir and madam
11:57Good evening, we have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve
12:02Good heavens
12:04And we have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity
12:08Oh, well, what tries
12:09So, please
12:11Yes?
12:12Give us ten pounds for the virtuous old lady next door
12:16Well, we'd love to oblige but I'm afraid we haven't got anything to give
12:20Surely you must have something, what about a goose?
12:23Oh, Albert
12:26Well, we've only got a turkey, see
12:29Oh, that sounds ideal
12:31Oh, well, there's a bit of luck
12:33Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey
12:37Uh, I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from round here
12:41Ah, nine
12:44I am from Glasgow
12:48Ah, a fine city, I love the Gorbals
12:51Ah, yes, the Gorbals, I love them too
12:53A lovely couple, lots of fun
12:57Bye-bye, birdie
12:59Very well done indeed
13:01Good evening
13:02Good evening
13:03And if I bump into Mr and Mrs Gorbals, I give them your regards
13:12Oh dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks as though we're in for a bit of a thin Christmas
13:16Don't you worry, Mr B, I'm hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney
13:21Mr Baldrick, I guarantee that if there's one thing liable to stop Santa coming down the chimney, it's your sock
13:27waiting for him at the end of it
13:30What, if I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?
13:33Mr Baldrick, if you do hang your sock out, Santa will be dead before he gets within a hundred yards
13:39of it
13:40Don't you have any other socks?
13:42I've got one other
13:42Oh, don't worry about it, my dear fellow, take one of mine from the linen cupboard
13:47I'm off to bed, there's nothing else to stay up for
13:51Good night, Mr Baldrick
13:52Night, night
13:53Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention
13:56When you were out there, there was this enormous ghostly creature coming here saying
14:00Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation
14:06I just thought I'd mention it
14:10It come through the wall, it said it's peace, and then it sodded off
14:17Oh, fine
14:18Good night, Mr Baldrick
14:19Night, night
14:20That's what I'm going to say
14:20Get on there
14:23Ugh
14:39OERGH
14:56can i help no thanks no no no just popped in to say hello spirit of christmas how do you
15:02do
15:03just doing my usual rounds you know a wee bit of haunting getting mysers to change their evil ways
15:08but you're obviously such a good chap that we no need for any of that nonsense so i'll just say
15:13cheery bye cheery bye can i get you a cup of tea or anything you wouldn't have anything a wee
15:20bit
15:20more medicinal oh i see oh i've only got some of nurse mccready's surgical bruise lotion
15:28nothing but the best at this house
15:34delicious
15:38well it's a nice change from all these skinflits you know that old fellow across the road
15:43bags of money i caught him trying to cut down in his heating bills by using his john thomas as
15:48a
15:48draft excluder
15:51oh dear old people today tell me how do you get them to change their ways well it's all visions
15:59these days we used to use black and white line drawings but the visions are more effective
16:04what sort of thing well it depends really with some people it's just a glimpse of their behavior
16:10at school behind the penny farthing sheds some other people well we just show them how rotten
16:15their ancestors were of course with your ancestors it would have to be the full one hour ten vision
16:20with a break and ice cream oh dear that bad were they did nobody tell you stinkers to a man
16:28oh perhaps you'd like to see
16:42go on my lord give it a little pull you know you want to be ever so exciting oh god
16:54yes terrifying
16:57and look there's a surprise present for you inside it's a novelty death warrant and you give it to a
17:04friend
17:05just what i've always wanted
17:07you got anything for me
17:09oh it's nothing really
17:10oh sir
17:11no it's really nothing
17:13i spent all my cash on this damn thing for the queen
17:18she better bloody like it she dropped enough hints
17:21god that woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside
17:29good morning your majesty
17:31christmas again eh what joy
17:33don't you just love it
17:34no i hate it
17:36in fact i've just abolished it
17:38i'm sorry
17:39i'll block up the chimneys
17:42burn all the crackers
17:44and kill anyone i see carrying a present
17:49what's that edmund
17:51this
17:53it's a window
17:56a window
17:57yes
17:58but you seem to have one here so sorry to say
18:05wow
18:07so much for that
18:08oh
18:12ah
18:13melch it
18:15greetings
18:15i trust that christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach crumb
18:21and compliments of the season to you black arrow
18:24may the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down
18:29i'm glad i saw you
18:31i feel it only fair to warn you that the queen has banned the christmas
18:34so i wouldn't get her a present this year
18:36oh i'm indebted to you for that advice blackadder
18:39and i shall of course follow it to the letter
18:40the day i get my brain replaced by a cauliflower
18:45ha
18:45got him with my subtle plan
18:48i can't see any subtle plan
18:49well ricky you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a
18:55harpsichord
18:55singing subtle plans are here again
19:00it's what we call a double bluff
19:02melch it will undoubtedly do the opposite of what i tell him
19:04go get an enormous present give it to the queen and then
19:07what he'll turn into a duck
19:12yes
19:16pity about this tinky wink you always used to love this time of year
19:25leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for father christmas
19:29and then scoffing it because i was a princess i can do what i bloody well like
19:35i'm wondering if your father's wife would last till boxing day without having her head cut off
19:41we knew if he gave her a hat she'd probably be all right
19:46happy days
19:48yes
19:48maybe there was a little rash
19:52ah boys welcome back
19:55good merchant what have you got under your coat
20:00it's not a present is it
20:02a present majesty
20:04but of course
20:06you're so painfully transparent braggado
20:09am i
20:10oh that's fat by your presents
20:15you know for a moment i talk against christmas
20:17but i'm completely dippy about it again
20:20in fact i'd like to marry you
20:23if you are as unattractive as a giant slug
20:26oh fish majesty
20:30but anyway to reward you i'm going to give you lots of presents
20:35um fancy castle
20:36well windsor majesty
20:38title duke of kent
20:39anything else
20:41well a devilish saucy wife would be fun
20:44lady jane potter
20:46oh yummy
20:48i think she's blackadder's girl at the moment but that doesn't matter does it blackie
20:52no of course not mum
20:54and perhaps lord melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of aberdeen
20:59i don't think we need go that far blackadder
21:02oh too kind
21:03no
21:03aylesbury's quite far enough
21:06super well done melchie
21:08and now blackadder what have you got me
21:11um
21:12i want a present
21:14give me something nice and shiny
21:16and if you don't i've got something nice and shiny for you and it's called an axe
21:21well right that's it
21:23any last request blackadder before i chop your block off and put it on top of the crumble tree
21:29well there is one actually ma'am you know how much i've always been a great admirer of you both
21:36i was wondering if i could just have your autographs um to keep me company during the final tragic lonely
21:43hours
21:43oh all right
21:44yeah there thank you ma'am and lord notice
21:46just there thank you oh dear me
21:52what is it why this piece of paper that your majesty has just signed turns out to be
21:56some sort of death warrant
22:00oops
22:02and i can't go back on it without destroying the whole basis of the british constitution
22:07i fear not
22:09is there a name on it well yes there is actually it says lord i can't read this terrible childish
22:15writing
22:15uh lord melchie lord melchie that's it ma'am ma'am ma'am it's a trick you've been tricked
22:21oh god christmas is a time for tricks and jakes and larks of all kinds
22:28tell you what blackadder that's so brilliant i'll execute melchie instead
22:37and i suppose that means that everything of lord melchie's becomes yours i suppose it does
22:44merry christmas ma'am
22:51good lord horrible eh what a pig yes clearly quite a clever charming pig but but no as you say
23:00his
23:01his behavior disgraceful ah you're a great improvement on them all you're a good boy them
23:07are there more oh yes i'm a shifty at this
23:17right boulders i'm sick of getting no presents and the prince regent getting the lot
23:22so this is the plan we play our traditional game of charades and when he gets bored and asks for
23:27a
23:27story you come out here stick the dress and the hat on and then knock on the door i'll take
23:32it from
23:32there got it got it yes well you certainly will get it if you mess this up
23:39ah hurrah welcome lads oh this is the stuff eh christmas sherry and charades with honest
23:45manly fellows i mean for heaven's sake what can i do with a girl that i can't do with you
23:49eh
23:49i cannot conceive sir now who's first up for the game i'd ask old horatio here but he's out of
23:56it
23:57i'm afraid so it's uh well it's the little monkey fellow first is it it is indeed excellent oh i
24:02love
24:02charades okay off you go balrick
24:07it's a book well done mr b i didn't think you'd get it that quickly
24:10yes that was damn clever yes another great christmas tradition explaining the rules eight
24:17times to the thicky twins the round hasn't in fact started yet it's got to be a specific book for
24:23instance if it was the bible then i'd go like that to indicate that there are two syllables in it
24:27and
24:28two what two syllables two silly bulls not in the bible i can remember a fatted calf but as i
24:38recall
24:38that was quite a sensible animal oh hi is it um uh noah's ark with the uh two pigs two
24:44ants and two
24:45silly bulls two syllables what look we're getting confused let's start again shall we no let's not
24:53like i don't think the whole game's getting a bit silla to be honest come on a nice christmas story
24:57instead oh what a good idea sir i'll just get rid of the servant shall i there's a limit to
25:02how long
25:02the smell of roasting chestnuts can blot out the aroma of baldrick's trousers
25:07don't forget the dress and the hat so shall i begin the christmas story absolutely as long as
25:15it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on christmas day shoots his
25:20mouth off about everything under the sun and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top
25:24of a hill in johnny arabland you mean jesus keep him out of it he always spoils the x-mas
25:32atmos
25:32certainly instead i shall tell you a story about oh my god i've gone blind blind
25:44as i was saying this is a story about a handsome young prince ah now this is more like it
25:50what good
25:51looking lovely hair perched on top of his head like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread
25:55exactly yeah i can imagine him excellent fellow well it's a tale about him and a sad lonely old granny
26:02who's dying of cold on a cruel christmas night not a comedy then yes and when she thought that all
26:11was
26:11lost and that she would die on christmas night and be swept up on the boxing day morning mistaken for
26:18a
26:18huge dirty handkerchief then she knocked on the door of a handsome young prince named george who gave
26:26her all his massive collection of christmas presents and she lived happily ever after
26:37oh my satan's sausage blood i want a fine tail i've i'm quite moved to tears don't you know oh
26:44good
26:47i wonder who that could be cold dark cruel christmas night tricky one could be a robin why sir rather
26:56coincidentally it is a sad lonely old granny who's dying of cold shall i fling her from your door
27:02sir saying that there is no room in our christmas for a sad virtuous silver-haired old elderly angel
27:07like her no blackadder you swine bring her in
27:15take all you want granny you have found georgie porgy a handsome prince
27:20thank you sir shall i show her to the door sir make sure she doesn't steal the silver on the
27:26way
27:26out no no tell her to take it no you're very generous
27:32excellent excellent baldrick a triumph baldrick baldrick sorry mr b
27:40i was just showing a sweet old granny to the door are we ready yet sir what
27:47what well i answered the door and it was this sweet old granny collecting for charity so i let
27:52her in ah nothing wrong mr b no don't worry i should have known not to trust a man with
27:59the
27:59mental agility of a rabbit dropping sorry mr b no it's perfectly all right it's not your fault
28:08still i fear for a frail elderly woman laden with valuables traveling through the
28:14inadequately lit streets of london yes she's not safe sir well not from me certainly
28:24very amusing and what we uh the wigs very amusing wigs but his behavior as you say disgraceful but
28:32but he actually got the presents yes so there is actually something to be made out of being bad
28:41uh technically technically yes yes yes but that's not the point is it it's the soul the soul as a
28:49matter of interest what would happen in the future if i was bad um heavens is that the time i
28:55really
28:55must be off i'd love to see christmas future no no no no no no no it's totally melodramatic look
29:01just show it
29:02please all right
29:04me
29:13and hail to you my triple husbandoid
29:18i summon you here to group greet our swift imperial navy's home approach
29:24Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob.
29:32Morning.
29:34To you, Black Adder, thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouser Pod, this much greeting.
29:42I too, bold Navigator, cringe my dribblers at your resplendent Pofflesnue.
29:47Yes, well, that won't be necessary, thank you.
29:50Approach your slave ball drink.
30:00For God's sake, Baldrick, if you're going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, at least keep your legs together.
30:06We'll go, skim up.
30:09Majesty's, I give you this much greeting.
30:12What use are the foul mamidons?
30:15Scattered to the nine vectors, my lord.
30:17And the sheep squeezers of Splatican Five?
30:19Have they been suck-creamed as a quambeast nubble?
30:23Well, they're dead, if that's what you mean.
30:25Last, Commander, did you vanquish the nibble pibblies?
30:28No, my lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the nibble pibblies, because you just made them up.
30:36Excellent, Commander.
30:38You have most pleasantly wibbled my frosted pouch.
30:42Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
30:46Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end, I bring you this.
30:53Oh, lovely, an ashtray.
30:56Come, Majesty, he wastes our time.
30:58I yearn to attend 20,000 years of the two runoids on the boxpot.
31:03Here, send him to the sprouting chamber.
31:06No, wait.
31:07What is it?
31:08Come on.
31:09Well, I'll show you, shall I?
31:16Now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist that you hand over to me the supreme command of the universe,
31:23sew a button on my spare uniform, and marry me this afternoon.
31:28I thought you'd never ask.
31:34So, let's get this straight.
31:35If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe.
31:40Maybe, maybe.
31:41But would you be happy?
31:43Being ruler of the universe isn't all it's cracked up to be.
31:46There's the long hours having to weave at people the whole time.
31:49You're no longer your own boss.
31:51But, but...
31:51So, what if I stayed good?
31:53What then does the future hold?
31:55Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here.
31:57I've got four hauntings, and I scare the bugger to death to do before morning.
32:06Hail, Queen Asphyxia, supreme mistress of the universe.
32:11And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
32:15I summon you here to group greet our swift Imperial Navy's home.
32:21Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment,
32:25and Lord of the High Slung Bottoms of Zob.
32:30Hail!
32:31And your slave.
32:38What's his name?
32:40I can't remember, Your Majesty.
32:42No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells.
32:46What news of the foul mammy-dums?
32:48Good news.
32:49Good news.
32:50Excellent.
32:51For the marmy-dums.
32:53They wiped out our entire army.
32:56Sorry, I got a bit confused and dropped a bomb on our own lot.
33:00Silence, Squidling.
33:02Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
33:06Oh, damn, I forgot the bloody present.
33:10So, one way, it's glory everlasting.
33:13The other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.
33:17A little simplistic, but it does at least point a very clear lesson.
33:21Namely?
33:23Namely, that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual,
33:26but all are better for it.
33:28You don't think it points the very clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?
33:33No, no, absolutely not.
33:35The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive.
33:38Picture it.
33:39Quiet evenings in your hovel alone.
33:42A Bible.
33:43Your own turnip.
33:46Oh, well, that makes all the difference.
33:49So, you're going to be a good boy, then?
33:51Oh, absolutely.
33:53Would I lie to you?
34:09Mr. Blackadder?
34:13Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.
34:17Oh, dear me.
34:18But don't be too unhappy.
34:19Because if you look very carefully,
34:21there's something in this stocking from me.
34:23In fact, it's something I made for you.
34:26Well, that's the kind of prezzy that shows the most love.
34:29What did you make for me, Mr. B?
34:31I've made you a fist.
34:34Fist?
34:35Yes, it's for hitting.
34:37And what's wonderful about it is that you can use it again,
34:41and again,
34:42and again.
34:44Well, what do you say?
34:47Thank you, Mr. B.
34:50Think nothing of it, Balric.
34:51I, after all, think nothing of you.
34:55Oi, give faith.
34:56How about a penny for the season?
34:58Hark!
34:59Do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window?
35:10No.
35:10No, I must have imagined it.
35:13Shall I get out, sir?
35:15No, Balric, leave them out in the snow until I get dressed.
35:18I'll only be about 40 minutes.
35:25Door.
35:25Door.
35:28God, the men's of the season, sir.
35:30We have come to sing, Melanie,
35:31and to make you a gift of a small pudding.
35:34Three, four, God bless me to be at Christmas time
35:37and maybe Jesus, too.
35:38If we were little pigs, we'd sing
35:40Piggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, woo.
35:42Piggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, woo.
35:45Oh, Piggy, wiggy, wiggy, woo.
35:47Piggy, wiggy, woo.
35:48Oh, Piggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, woo.
35:51Piggy, woo.
35:54Utter crap.
35:56Thank you very much, sir.
35:57Do we get a Christmas treat now?
35:59Yes, indeed you do.
36:00What is it?
36:01It's a door in the face.
36:03Here you are.
36:05Mr. B, you can't send them out into the world
36:08with nothing but a small pudding.
36:10Ah, how right you are, Balric, door.
36:19You know what I'm hoping?
36:21What are you hoping, Balric?
36:23I'm hoping that this is all a Merry Christmas, Jake,
36:26and in a moment you're going to go yo-ho-ho
36:28and give me a mince pie.
36:29Close your eyes, Balric.
36:31Open your mouth.
36:33Yo-ho-ho.
36:39Ah.
36:40Ah, my dear Millicent's come for her dinner.
36:43And she seems to have brought the fish course with her.
36:48Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
36:51I think it's me.
36:54This is Ralph.
36:55He's my fiance.
36:56We're in love.
37:00Oh, dear.
37:02Your conceived love, I should warn you,
37:04is like a Christmas cracker.
37:06One massively disappointing bang
37:08and the novelty soon wears off.
37:13Shut up.
37:15Oh, Mr. Blackadder.
37:17What's happened?
37:18You've changed from the nicest man in England
37:20into the horridest man in the world.
37:23I was thinking the same thing myself.
37:25When spoken to.
37:27I would explain, my dear,
37:29but I fear that you wouldn't understand.
37:30Blessed as you are with a head
37:32that is emptier than a hermit's address book.
37:36As for you,
37:38are you sure you can keep my goddaughter
37:40in the manner to which she is accustomed?
37:41Oh, yes.
37:43Absolutely.
37:44Oh, splendid.
37:47Congratulations.
37:48Good day.
37:52Out.
37:59Balric, I want you to take this
38:01and go out and buy a turkey so large
38:03you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.
38:08I'm going to have a party
38:09and no one's invited but me.
38:12Oh.
38:12No peace for the wicked.
38:14Ah, Mr. Ebenezer.
38:16I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me
38:19or had found me a little foul for Tiny Tom's Christmas.
38:23I've always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchit.
38:25And more than a little.
38:27As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,
38:29he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.
38:33But he's a cripple.
38:34He's not a cripple, Mrs. Scratchit.
38:36Occasionally saying,
38:37few, my leg hurts when he remembers to
38:40wouldn't fool Balric.
38:41He did, actually.
38:44However,
38:45if you want something for lunch,
38:46take this.
38:47It's a pound a lump
38:49and as luck would have it,
38:50there are 17 lumps left.
38:52But what about my Tiny Tom?
38:54If I was you,
38:55I'd scoop him out
38:55and use him as a houseboat.
38:57Good day.
39:02Mr. B,
39:04where's the milk of human kindness?
39:06It's gone off, Balric.
39:07It stinks.
39:11Get that
39:11and whoever it is,
39:13slam the door in their faces.
39:14Otherwise, I'll slum your face in the door.
39:18Hello, small dwarf fellow.
39:20Is this the house of the great philanthropist
39:23and all-round softy Ebenezer Blackadder?
39:25Well, Mr. Blackadder lives here.
39:27Ah, that is good,
39:28because we have a wunderbar secret.
39:30What secret?
39:31Ha!
39:32If I were to tell you
39:33that we're going to give him
39:34enormous fortune
39:35for being so generous,
39:36then it would no longer be a secret.
39:38Damn!
39:39I'm so stupid.
39:40Damn!
39:40What would no longer be a secret?
39:42We are Queen Victoria.
39:45Well, all three of you.
39:48My dear little hobgoblin,
39:50here is our royal seal.
39:53We have come to present your master
39:55with £50,000
39:56and the title of Baron Blackadder
40:00for being the kindest man in England.
40:02Blimey, Your Majesty.
40:04Balric, what did I tell you I'd do
40:06if you didn't slam the door
40:07on the faces of these scrounging loafers?
40:09But, but, Mr. Blackadder...
40:12I'm not at home to guests.
40:22I flatter myself
40:23we are rather special guests, sir.
40:26Oh, of course.
40:28I must apologise.
40:30It is not that one receives
40:32a Christmas visit
40:32from two such distinguished guests.
40:35Ah, so you recognise us at last.
40:37Yes, unless I'm very much mistaken,
40:39you're the winner
40:39of the Round Britain
40:41Shortest, Fattest,
40:42Dumpiest Woman competition.
40:45And for her to be accompanied
40:47by the winner of this year's
40:48Stupidest Accent Award
40:49is really quite overwhelming.
40:52Cork it, fatso.
40:54Don't you realise
40:55that this is the Victorian age
40:57where apart from
40:57Queen Piglet features herself,
40:59women and children
41:00are to be seen and not heard.
41:02Queen Piglet features?
41:03Yes.
41:04Empress Oink,
41:05us lads call her.
41:07The only person in the kingdom
41:08who looks dafter than her
41:09is that stupid
41:10Frankfurter of a husband.
41:12The Pig and the Prig,
41:14we call them.
41:15How they ever managed
41:16to produce
41:16their 112 children
41:18is quite beyond me.
41:20The bedchambers
41:21of Buckingham Palace
41:22must be copiously supplied
41:23with blindfolds.
41:24Sartre's ability to
41:25insult in her entire lives!
41:27Well, all I can say is
41:28you've been damned lucky.
41:33Ah, Bordrick,
41:34this is excellent, excellent.
41:36All the riff-raff
41:37and the sponges dealt with
41:38and gargantuan quantities
41:40have tucked to be gobbled.
41:42Here,
41:43have a wishbone.
41:46What do you wish?
41:47I wish there was
41:48some meat on this.
41:50Those last two
41:51were particularly satisfying,
41:53it felt just like having a go
41:53at the real Queen
41:54and Prince Albert.
41:55It was the real Queen
41:56and Prince Albert.
41:57Don't be ludicrous, Bordrick.
41:59What would the Queen
41:59be doing here?
42:00Well,
42:01she'd come to visit you
42:02to reward you
42:03for being the nicest man
42:04in England
42:05by giving you £50,000
42:06and the title
42:07of Baron Blackadder.
42:09Bordrick,
42:09it couldn't have been the Queen
42:11because when she visits people
42:12she leaves them
42:13her royal seal.
42:14What?
42:15Like this one?
42:16Yes, just like that.
42:25he put an emphasis and
42:27to get welcomed.
42:28I had praise the name
42:30And it mainlanding
42:30Do you know
42:45that's
42:46me?
42:48Oh,
42:48that's
42:48that's
42:49something
42:50Tee dong, tee dong, tee dong
42:55La-a-da, la-a-da
43:00Ti-wong, ti-tong, ti-tong
43:05La-a-da, la-a-da
43:10Ti-wong, ti-tong, ti-tong
43:20You
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