Black Adder is pure British comedy gold 😂 From Rowan Atkinson’s legendary sarcasm to the chaotic historical disasters, every season delivers iconic humor, savage wit, and unforgettable moments. Whether it’s medieval schemes, royal disasters, or war-time satire, Black Adder remains one of the greatest comedy series ever made. 🇬🇧🔥
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00:04In the reign of good Queen Vic, there stood in Dumpling Lane in old London town, the moustache
00:11shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder, the kindest and loveliest man in all England.
00:20He's kind and generous to the sick He'd never spread a nasty rumour
00:31He never gets on people's wick And doesn't love a toilet humour
00:44Blackadder, Blackadder He's sickeningly good
00:54Blackadder, Blackadder As nice as Christmas food
01:03Humbug! Humbug!
01:09Humbug, Mr Baldrick!
01:10Oh, thank you very much!
01:14Well, I've got all the presents
01:15And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards
01:17Oh, splendid! Let me see
01:20A very messy Christmas
01:23I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be merry?
01:25A merry messy Christmas?
01:27Alright, but the main thing is that it should be messy
01:30Messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe
01:35Yes, I fear, Mr Baldrick
01:37That the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time
01:41Is to make a pass at a water closet
01:45Be that as it may
01:47A merry messy Christmas
01:50Christmas has an H in it, Mr Baldrick
01:53And an R
01:55Also an I and an S
01:58Also a T and M and A
02:00And another S
02:01Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning
02:05Congratulations, Mr Baldrick, something of a triumph
02:07I think you must be the first person ever to spell Christmas without getting any of the letters right at
02:11all
02:12Well, I was a bit rushed
02:14I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play
02:17Of course, how did it go?
02:18Well, not very well
02:19At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died
02:23Oh dear, this high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre
02:31What did you do?
02:32Got another Jesus
02:33Oh, thank goodness
02:34And his name?
02:35Spot
02:37There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead
02:42Oh dear
02:42I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind
02:48If all Jesus had ever said was woof
02:52Well, it went alright till the shepherds came on
02:55See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool
02:59On some other dogs
03:01Yeah, and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away
03:07While the angels sing in peace on earth, goodwill to mankind
03:11Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride
03:17Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr. Bollby
03:20Weren't the children upset?
03:22No, they loved it
03:25Ah, the playful young scamps, eh?
03:29Still, what a lovely thought it is
03:31At this very moment, all over the country
03:33From the highest to the lowest
03:35Through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle
03:38Everyone is enjoying Christmas
03:49What are you doing, Albert?
03:51Nothing
03:51Oh, yes you are, you naughty German sausage
03:56Tell me what you're doing
03:57I just said I'm not doing anything
03:59Really, woman, when you're busy ruling India, you don't tell me what you are doing
04:03So why should I tell you what I am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your
04:07surprise Christmas presents?
04:10Damn!
04:11Now I have only two surprise presents for you
04:14Oh dear Albie, don't worry, I don't mind
04:17I do, I love surprises
04:21Christmas without surprises
04:23Is like the nuts without a nutcracker
04:27Which is why I have bought you the surprise nutcracker
04:32Damn!
04:34Damn!
04:34Oh darling Bobo, don't worry
04:38Besides, haven't you forgotten something?
04:41What?
04:42Our traditional Christmas adventure
04:44Oh yes, of course, the traditional Christmas adventure
04:48Huzzah!
04:49What additional Christmas adventure?
04:51You silly soldier
04:53You know when we disguise ourselves as common folk
04:56And go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and the good
05:00Oh yes, of course, dumb cop
05:02How could I forget?
05:05That is not out of sight
05:06For it is so precisely such an outing as this
05:09That I have bought you my final surprise present
05:12This muff which I am going to give you tomorrow
05:15Damn!
05:17Damn!
05:19Damn!
05:21Excellent, excellent
05:23What a splendid spread
05:24Nuts, turkey and presents
05:26What more could a man desire at Christmas?
05:29Well, a tree?
05:30Oh, of course, I quite forgot
05:32I dropped in on Mr Thick Twistle's garden emporium
05:36And I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain
05:39On this special Christmas twig
05:45It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
05:47Yes, but size isn't important, my friend
05:50It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it
05:54Besides, look, we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks
05:59How much is it?
06:00Seventeen pounds and a penny
06:02It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor
06:06Well, yes, but in the feeling good ledger of life, we are rich indeed
06:10Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit short of prezzies and feeling a gullible prat
06:14ledger
06:16Well, bless my ten toes, who could that be on this cold night?
06:21Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve
06:25Oh, Mr Blackadder!
06:28I cannot be merry when we are so poor
06:31We shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day
06:33Except what grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails
06:38No goose for Tiny Tom this year
06:41Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and jumped like a brick privy
06:48If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop
06:53Look, there must be something we can do
06:56Ah, that box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need
07:01How much did they cost?
07:02A quid a match
07:03Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts
07:06Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, so here, take ten pounds
07:12So you don't want all the matches then?
07:14There's seventeen of them
07:16Mrs Scratchit, you have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius
07:20Here, seventeen pounds then
07:23Lovely!
07:24And my best wishes to your massive offspring
07:30So, we add seventeen pounds and a penny
07:32And we give Mrs Scratchit seventeen pounds
07:35So that leaves...
07:37Yes, come on Mr Baldrick
07:39Seventeen pounds and a penny, minus seventeen pounds, leaves...
07:44Thirty-eight pounds, eight shillings of forms
07:48Not bad Mr Baldrick, the answer is in fact a splendid shining penny
07:53Merry Christmas Eve Mr Slapbladder
07:54I mean Blackadder
07:56And to you, young urchin
07:58A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker
08:00I mean sir
08:02Erm...
08:03Well, certainly, here
08:05Going to buy some cake and pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother?
08:09Nah, sod that, I'm off to the gin shop
08:13Tch, they grow up so fast these days, bless them
08:17Oh well, another year without profit
08:20Still, it is Christmas
08:22And let us remember, Mr Baldrick
08:23That be we as stony as a biblical execution
08:28It is still the season of good cheer
08:29And we have all our Christmas treats
08:31Nuts, turkey and presents
08:34Oh, and my god-daughter Millicent
08:36Erm, secure the ornaments, Baldrick
08:39And let's hurry
08:41So we can put all our presents under our little tree
08:44A scarf for me, a pair of gloves, Mr Baldrick
08:48And a hat for Mel
08:50Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe this excellent pleasure?
08:53Oh, I just thought I'd pop round, you know
08:55Just on the off chance
08:57Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents
09:02It is indeed
09:03And look, a lovely hat for my dear goddaughter
09:06Oh, thanks!
09:07Oh, and look, a scarf and a pair of gloves to match
09:12That's not bad, I suppose
09:17Yes, jolly good
09:18I'm sorry, I can't stop
09:20I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at lunch time
09:23Oh, what a splendid idea
09:25It'll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend
09:27So cook a couple of extra turkeys
09:30Thanks for all the prezzies
09:32Why don't you take the flipping tree?
09:35Oh, you are sweet
09:39Bye
09:40My, what a jolly young girl
09:44A pity she nicked all the presents
09:46Yes, but I thought you and I'd be quite spoilt enough with the turkey and this mountain of nuts we
09:51have
09:53Well, peel my tangerines, this is it
09:57Back!
09:58Ah, Beedle, charmed, honoured and lovelied in every possible way
10:02Get back!
10:04Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir
10:07Peace on earth and fat tums to all men
10:10Well, indeed, indeed
10:11And what of your little orphan charges?
10:14Well, I don't think God charges them enough as a matter of fact
10:18Luckily you're here to cover up the shortfall, Mr Blackadder
10:20They're looking forward to coming tomorrow, perhaps bringing a little surprise for you
10:24Oh, surely not another totally unexpected rendition of God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder
10:30Not for me to say, sir, all I can say is it's Christmas as usual
10:33Except, sadly, we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day
10:38Oh, well, what luck, as fate would have it, we have some
10:42Here, help yourselves
10:43No, sir, no, sir, I couldn't take them from you, absolutely not, is this all, is it?
10:47Yes
10:48Well, it'll have to do then, see you tomorrow
10:52Well, what a jolly fellow
10:54You look like a fat git to me
10:58Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearances
11:02Strip away the outer layers of a fat git and inside you'll probably find a thing git
11:09Those orphans were a bit fat, too
11:11Well, there's some truth there
11:13Certainly when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects
11:17for fear of bursting one of them and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies
11:24Well, what of it?
11:26As long as they're happy
11:27Well, at least we've still got our turkey
11:29And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles
11:32So maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky
11:39Someone will come and reward us
11:40Come on
11:42Dear innocent Mr Baldrick
11:47See?
11:48Well, baste my steaming puddings
11:55Ah, good evening, sir and madam
11:57Good evening, we have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve
12:02Good heavens
12:04And we have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity
12:08Oh, well, what tries
12:09So, please
12:11Yes?
12:12Give us ten pounds for the virtuous old lady next door
12:16Well, we'd love to oblige, but I'm afraid we haven't got anything to give
12:20Surely, you must have something
12:21What about a goose?
12:23Oh, Albert
12:24Well...
12:27We've only got a turkey, see?
12:29Oh, that sounds ideal
12:31Oh...
12:32Well, there's a bit of luck
12:33Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey
12:37Uh...
12:38I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from round here
12:41Ah, nein
12:44I am from Glasgow
12:48Ah, fine city
12:49I love the Gorbals
12:51Ah, yes, the Gorbals, I love them too
12:54A lovely couple, lots of fun
12:57Bye-bye, birdie
12:59Very well done indeed
13:01Good evening
13:02Good evening
13:03And if I bump into Mr and Mrs Gorbals, I give them your regards
13:12Oh dear, Mr Baldrick
13:13It looks as though we're in for a bit of a thin Christmas
13:16Don't you worry, Mr B
13:18I'm hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney
13:21Mr Baldrick, I guarantee that if there's one thing liable to stop Santa coming down the chimney
13:26It's your sock waiting for him at the end of it
13:30What, if I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?
13:33Mr Baldrick, if you do hang your sock out, Santa will be dead before he gets within a hundred yards
13:39of it
13:40Don't you have any other socks?
13:42I've got one other
13:42Oh, don't worry about it, my dear fellow, take one of mine from the linen cupboard
13:47I'm off to bed, there's nothing else to stay up for
13:51Good night, Mr Baldrick
13:52Night, night
13:53Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention
13:56When you were out there, there was this enormous ghostly creature coming here saying
14:00Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation
14:06I just thought I'd mention it
14:10It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off
14:17Oh, fine
14:18Good night, Mr Baldrick
14:19Night, night
14:24Oh, no
14:33Gordon
14:34Oh, no
14:34No
14:35Oh, no
14:36Ah
14:38Ah
14:40Ah
14:42Ah
14:56Can I help?
14:58No, thanks. No. No, no.
15:00Just popped in to say hello.
15:01Spirit of Christmas, how do you do?
15:03Just doing my usual rounds, you know, a wee bit of haunting.
15:06Getting misers to change their evil ways.
15:09But you're obviously such a good chap that there'll be no need for any of that nonsense.
15:12So I'll just say cheery-bye.
15:14Cheery-bye.
15:16Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?
15:19You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more medicinal.
15:22Oh, I see.
15:23I've only got some of Nurse MacReady's surgical bruise lotion.
15:28Nothing but the best at this house.
15:34Delicious.
15:38Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflits.
15:40You know that old fellow across the road?
15:43Bags of money.
15:44I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draft excluder.
15:51Oh, dear.
15:52Old people today.
15:55Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?
15:58Well, it's all visions these days.
16:00We used to use black and white line drawings, but the visions are more effective.
16:04What sort of thing?
16:06Well, it depends, really.
16:08With some people, it's just a glimpse of their behaviour at school behind the penny-farthing sheds.
16:12Hey, some other people.
16:14Well, we just show them how rotten their ancestors were.
16:16Of course, with your ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision with a break and
16:22ice cream.
16:24Oh, dear.
16:25That bad, were they?
16:26Did nobody tell you?
16:27Stink us to a man.
16:29Oh, perhaps you'd like to see.
16:42Go on, my lord.
16:44Give it a little pull.
16:45You know you want to.
16:48You ever so exciting?
16:50Oh, God.
16:54Yes, terrifying.
16:57And look, there's a surprise present for you inside.
17:00It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.
17:05Oh, just what I've always wanted.
17:07You got anything for me?
17:09Oh, it's nothing, really.
17:10Oh, sir.
17:12No, it's really nothing.
17:13I haven't got anything.
17:15I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen.
17:18She better bloody like it.
17:20She dropped enough hints.
17:22God, that woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
17:29Good morning, Your Majesty.
17:31Christmas again, eh?
17:32What joy.
17:33Don't you just love it?
17:34No, I hate it.
17:36In fact, I've just abolished it.
17:38I'm sorry?
17:40I'll block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers,
17:44and kill anyone I see carrying a present.
17:49What's that, Edmund?
17:52This?
17:54It's a window.
17:56A window?
17:57Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to serve you.
18:05Well, so much for that.
18:08Oh!
18:11Ah!
18:13Melch it.
18:14Greetings.
18:15I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach crumb.
18:21And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder.
18:24May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
18:29I'm glad I saw you.
18:31I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned the Christmas, so I wouldn't get her
18:35a present this year.
18:36Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder, and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter.
18:40Well, the day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.
18:45Ha!
18:46Got him with my subtle plan.
18:48I can't see any subtle plan.
18:50Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a
18:55harpsichord,
18:55singing, subtle plans are here again.
19:00It's what we call a double bluff.
19:02Melch it will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him.
19:04Go get an enormous present, give it to the Queen, and then...
19:08What, he'll turn into a duck?
19:12Yes.
19:16Pity about this, Tinky Wink.
19:19You always used to love this time of year.
19:25Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas,
19:29and then scoffing it,
19:31because I was a princess that can do what I bloody well like.
19:35I'm wondering if your father's wife would last till Boxing Day without having her head cut off.
19:42We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be all right.
19:46Happy days!
19:48Yes.
19:49Maybe I was a little rash.
19:53Ah, boys!
19:54Welcome back!
19:56Hmm.
19:57But, Milch it,
19:58what have you got under your coat?
20:00It's not a present, is it?
20:03A present, Majesty?
20:05But of course.
20:06You're so painfully transparent, Bracetto.
20:09Am I?
20:10Oh, that's fair by your presents!
20:15No, for a moment I took against Christmas,
20:18but I'm completely dippy about it again.
20:20In fact, I'd like to marry you!
20:23If you aren't as unattractive as a giant slug!
20:27No!
20:28Oh, fish, Majesty!
20:31But anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you lots of presents.
20:35Um, fancy a castle?
20:36Well, Windsor, Majesty.
20:38Title?
20:39Duke of Kent.
20:40Anything else?
20:41Well, a devilish saucy wife would be fun.
20:44Lady Jane Pottle!
20:46Oh, yummy.
20:48I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment,
20:50but that doesn't matter, does it, Blackie?
20:52No, of course not, Mum.
20:54And perhaps Lord Milch it would like to whip me naked
20:57through the streets of Aberdeen.
21:00I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder.
21:02Oh, too kind.
21:03No.
21:04Aylesbury's quite far enough.
21:06Super.
21:07Well done, Milch it.
21:08And now, Blackadder, what have you got me?
21:11Um...
21:12I want a present!
21:14Give me something nice and shiny.
21:16And if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you,
21:19and it's called an axe!
21:20Um, well...
21:21Right!
21:22That's it.
21:23Any last requests, Blackadder,
21:25before I chop your block off and put it on top of the crumble tree?
21:29Um...
21:30Well, there is one, actually, Mum.
21:33You know how much I've always been a great admirer of you both.
21:36I was wondering if I could just have your autographs
21:39to keep me company during the final tragic, lonely hours.
21:43Oh, all right.
21:44There, thank you, Mum.
21:45And Lord Milch it.
21:47Mm-hmm.
21:47Just there.
21:49Oh, dear me!
21:52What is it?
21:53Why, this piece of paper that Your Majesty has just signed
21:56turns out to be some sort of death warrant.
22:00Oops!
22:02And I can't go back on it without destroying the whole basis of the British Constitution.
22:07I fear not.
22:09Is there a name on it?
22:11Well, yes, there is, actually.
22:12It says Lord...
22:13Oh, I can't read this terrible, childish writing.
22:16Er, Lord Milch it.
22:18Lord Milch it, that's it.
22:19Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, it's a trick.
22:20You've been tricked.
22:21Oh, God.
22:23Christmas is a time for tricks and jakes and marks of all kinds.
22:28Tell you what, Blackadder, that's so brilliant.
22:31I'll execute Milch it instead.
22:33You're a very kind, ma'am.
22:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
22:37And I suppose that means that everything of Lord Milch it becomes yours.
22:42I suppose it does.
22:44Merry Christmas, ma'am.
22:51Good Lord!
22:53Horrible, eh?
22:54What a pig!
22:56Yes, although, fairly, quite a clever, charming pig.
22:59But, but, but no, as you say, his, his behaviour disgraceful.
23:02Ah, you're a great improvement on them all. You're a good boy.
23:06Them? Are there more?
23:08Oh, yes. I'm a shifty at this.
23:17Right, Balders.
23:19I'm sick of getting no presents and the Prince Regent getting the lot.
23:22So this is the plan.
23:24We play our traditional game of charades,
23:25and when he gets bored and asks for a story,
23:28you come out here, stick the dress and the hat on,
23:30and then knock on the door. I'll take it from there.
23:32Got it? Got it.
23:33Yes, well, you certainly will get it if you mess this up.
23:39Ah, hurrah! Welcome, lads.
23:41Oh, this is the stuff, eh?
23:43Christmas, sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows.
23:46I mean, for heaven's sake, what can I do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh?
23:50I cannot conceive, sir.
23:52Yes, there is that, though.
23:54Now, who's first up for the game?
23:55I'd ask old Horatio here, but he's out of it, I'm afraid.
23:57So it's, uh, well, it's the little monkey fellow first, is it?
24:00It is indeed.
24:00Oh, excellent. Oh, I love charades.
24:03Okay, off you go, Balric.
24:07It's a book.
24:08Well done, Mr. B. I didn't think you'd get it that quickly.
24:11Yes, I must say, that was damn clever.
24:13Yes, another great Christmas tradition, explaining the rules eight times to the Thickey Twins.
24:19The round hasn't, in fact, started yet.
24:21It's got to be a specific book.
24:23For instance, if it was the Bible, then I'd go like that to indicate that there are two syllables in
24:27it.
24:28And two what?
24:29Two syllables.
24:31Two syllables.
24:31Two syllables.
24:34Not in the Bible.
24:36I can remember a fatted calf, but as I recall, that was quite a sensible animal.
24:39Oh, hi, hi, hi.
24:40Is it, um, Noah's Ark, with the, uh, two pigs, two ants, and two silly balls?
24:47Two syllables.
24:49What?
24:49Look, we're getting confused. Let's start again, shall we?
24:52No, let's not. Like, I don't think the whole game's getting a bit silly, to be honest.
24:55Come on, I'm a nice Christmas story instead.
24:57Oh, what a good idea, sir.
24:59I'll just get rid of the servant, shall I?
25:01There's a limit to how long the smell of roasting chestnuts can blot out the aroma of Baldrick's trousers.
25:07Don't forget the dress and the hat, Horrid.
25:10So, shall I begin the Christmas story?
25:13Absolutely.
25:14As long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day,
25:19shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun,
25:21and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab Land.
25:26You mean Jesus?
25:28Yes, that's right.
25:30Keep him out of it. He always spoils the X-mas atmos.
25:33Certainly, sir.
25:34Instead, I shall tell you a story about...
25:36Matt! Oh, my God! I've gone blind! Blind!
25:39Blind!
25:44As I was saying, this is a story about a handsome young prince.
25:48Ah, now, this is more like it.
25:50What, good-looking, lovely hair perched on top of his head like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread?
25:55Exactly.
25:56Yeah, I can imagine him.
25:57Excellent fellow.
25:58Well, it's a tale about him and a sad, lonely old granny
26:02who's dying of cold on a cruel Christmas night.
26:06Not a comedy, then?
26:08Yes.
26:10And when she thought that all was lost,
26:12and that she would die on Christmas night
26:14and be swept up on the Boxing Day morning,
26:17mistaken for a huge, dirty handkerchief,
26:21then she knocked on the door of a handsome young prince named George,
26:25who gave her all his massive collection of Christmas presents,
26:30and she lived happily ever after.
26:37Oh, my Satan's sausage, brother.
26:39What a fine tale.
26:41I'm quite moved to tears, don't you know?
26:44Oh, good.
26:47I wonder who that could be.
26:50Yeah, for a cold, dark, cruel Christmas night.
26:52Tricky one.
26:53Could be a robin.
26:55Why, sir, rather coincidentally,
26:57it is a sad, lonely old granny who's dying of cold.
27:00Shall I fling her from your door, sir,
27:02saying that there is no room in our Christmas
27:04for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired old elderly angel like her?
27:08No, Blackadder, you swine.
27:10Bring her in.
27:11Here we go.
27:14That's a nice touch, Baldrick.
27:16Take all you want, Granny.
27:17You have found Georgie Borgie, your handsome prince.
27:20Thank you, sir.
27:23Shall I show her to the door, sir,
27:25make sure she doesn't steal the silver on the way out?
27:27No, no, tell her to take it.
27:28No, you're very generous, sir.
27:32Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph.
27:35Baldrick?
27:36Baldrick!
27:38Sorry, Mr. B.
27:40I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door.
27:44Are we ready yet, sir?
27:45What?
27:47Well, I answered the door
27:48and it was this sweet old granny collecting for charity,
27:51so I let her in.
27:53Ah.
27:54Nothing wrong, Mr. B.
27:56No, don't worry.
27:57I should have known not to trust a man
27:59with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping.
28:02Sorry, Mr. B.
28:03No, it's perfectly all right.
28:04It's not your fault.
28:05Ooh!
28:08Still,
28:09I fear for a frail elderly woman
28:12laden with valuables
28:13travelling through the inadequately lit streets of London.
28:16Yeah, she's not safe, sir.
28:18Well, not from me, certainly.
28:24Very amusing.
28:25And what way?
28:27Um, the wigs.
28:28Very amusing wigs.
28:29But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful.
28:32But...
28:33But he actually got the presents.
28:36Y-y-yes.
28:38Yeah.
28:38So there is actually something to be made out of being bad.
28:41Uh, technically.
28:43Technically, yes.
28:44Yes, yes.
28:45But that's not the point, is it?
28:46It's the soul.
28:47The soul.
28:48As a matter of interest,
28:50what would happen in the future if I was bad?
28:53Um, Evans, is that the time I really must be off?
28:56I'd love to see Christmas future.
28:58No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
28:59It's terribly melodramatic.
29:01Look, just show it.
29:02Please.
29:04All right.
29:09Hail, Queen of Spixia,
29:11supreme business of the universe.
29:14And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
29:18I summon you here to group greet
29:21our swift Imperial Navy's home.
29:24Approach!
29:25Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
29:28and Lord of the High-Slunged Bottoms of Zob.
29:32Morning.
29:34To you, Blackadder,
29:36thrice-endowed supreme donkey of the Trouser Park,
29:40this much greeting.
29:42I, too, bold navigator,
29:44cringe my dribblers at your resplendent Pothelsnoop.
29:47Yes, well, that won't be necessary, thank you.
29:50Approach your slave, bald-drink.
30:00For God's sake, bald-drink,
30:02if you're going to wear that ridiculous jock-strap,
30:04at least keep your legs together.
30:06Who goes, skipper?
30:09Majesty's, I give you this much greeting.
30:12What news are the foul mammy-dons?
30:14Scattered to the nine vectors, my lord.
30:16And the sheep-squeezers of Splatik and Phi?
30:19Have they been suck-creamed as a Kwanbeast nubbo?
30:23Well, they're dead, if that's what you mean.
30:25Blast, Commander, did you vanquish the nibble-pibblies?
30:28No, my lord Pigmot,
30:29I did not vanquish the nibble-pibblies,
30:32because you just made them up.
30:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, excellent, Commander.
30:38You have most pleasantly wibbled my frosted pouch.
30:42Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
30:46Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end,
30:50I bring you this.
30:53Oh, lovely, an ashtray.
30:56Come, Majesty, he wastes our time.
30:58I yearn to attend 20,000 years
31:01of the two runoids on the box party.
31:03Here, send him to the sprouting chamber.
31:06No, wait.
31:07What is it, Commander?
31:09Well, I'll show you, shall I?
31:16And now, Your Majesty,
31:18I must respectfully insist
31:19that you hand over to me
31:21the supreme command of the universe,
31:23sew a button on my spare uniform,
31:25and marry me this afternoon.
31:28I thought you'd never ask.
31:34So let's get this straight.
31:35If I was bad,
31:37my descendants would rule the entire universe.
31:40Maybe, maybe.
31:41But would you be happy?
31:43Being ruler of the universe
31:45isn't all it's cracked up to be.
31:46There's the long hours
31:47having to weave at people the whole time.
31:49You're no longer your own boss.
31:51But, but...
31:51So what if I stayed good?
31:53What then does the future hold?
31:55Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here.
31:57I've got four hauntings
31:58and I scare the bugger to death
31:59to do before morning.
32:06Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
32:08Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
32:10And hail to you,
32:13my triple husband-oid.
32:15I summon you here
32:17to group greet
32:18our swift Imperial Navy's home.
32:21Approach,
32:22Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
32:25and Lord of the High-Slanged Bottoms of Zob.
32:29Hail!
32:31And your slave.
32:38What's his name?
32:40I can't remember,
32:41Your Majesty.
32:42No matter,
32:44Supreme Marshal of the Smells.
32:46What news of the foul
32:47mammy-dons?
32:48Good news.
32:49Excellent!
32:51For the mammy-dons.
32:53They wiped out
32:54our entire army.
32:56Sorry,
32:57I got a bit confused
32:58and dropped a bomb
32:59on our own lot.
33:00Silence,
33:01Squidling.
33:03Bring forth the gift
33:04with which you honour me.
33:06Oh, damn,
33:07I forgot the bloody present.
33:08I don't know.
33:10So, one way,
33:11it's glory everlasting.
33:13The other,
33:14it's wearing
33:14Baldrick's posing pouch.
33:17A little simplistic,
33:18but it does at least
33:19point a very clear lesson.
33:21Namely?
33:22Namely,
33:23that the rewards
33:24of virtue
33:25are largely spiritual,
33:26but all the better
33:27for it.
33:28You don't think
33:29it points
33:29the very clear lesson
33:30that bad guys
33:31have all the fun?
33:33No,
33:34no,
33:34absolutely not.
33:35The rewards
33:35of virtue
33:35are infinitely
33:36more attractive.
33:38Picture it.
33:39Quiet evenings
33:40in your hovel
33:41alone.
33:42A Bible.
33:43Your own
33:44turnip.
33:46Oh,
33:47well,
33:47that makes
33:47all the difference.
33:49So,
33:49you're going
33:50to be a good boy,
33:50then?
33:51Oh,
33:51absolutely.
33:53Would I lie
33:54to you?
34:08Mr Blackadder?
34:13Looks like
34:14Father Christmas
34:15just forgot about me
34:16this year.
34:17Oh,
34:17dear me,
34:18but don't be
34:18too unhappy,
34:20because if you look
34:20very carefully,
34:21there's something
34:22in this stocking
34:22from me.
34:23In fact,
34:24it's something
34:25I made for you.
34:26Well,
34:26that's the kind
34:27of prezzy
34:27that shows
34:28the most love.
34:29What did you
34:29make for me,
34:30Mr B?
34:31I've made you
34:32a fist.
34:34A fist?
34:35Yes,
34:35it's for hitting.
34:36Oh!
34:37And what's wonderful
34:38about it
34:39is that you can
34:39use it again,
34:41and again,
34:42and again.
34:44Well,
34:45what do you say?
34:47Thank you,
34:48Mr B.
34:50think nothing of it,
34:51Balric.
34:52I,
34:52after all,
34:52think nothing of you.
34:55Oi,
34:55give faith.
34:56How about a penny
34:57for the season?
34:58Hark!
34:59Do I hear the voice
34:59of a darling little
35:00cherub at the window?
35:05No.
35:10Well,
35:10I must have
35:11imagined it.
35:13Shall I get out,
35:14sir?
35:15No,
35:15Balric,
35:15leave them out
35:16in the snow
35:16until I get dressed.
35:18I'll only be
35:18about 40 minutes.
35:24Door.
35:28Compliments of the season,
35:29sir,
35:30we have come to sing,
35:31Merrily,
35:31and to make you
35:32a gift of a small pudding.
35:34Three,
35:35four,
35:35God bless Mr B.
35:36at Christmas time
35:37and maybe Jesus too.
35:38If we were little pigs,
35:40we'd sing
35:40Piggy,
35:41Wiggy,
35:41Wiggy,
35:41Wiggy,
35:42Wiggy,
35:43Wiggy,
35:43Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:45Wiggy,
35:45Wiggy,
35:46Wiggy,
35:46Wiggy,
35:47Wiggy,
35:47Wiggy,
35:47Wiggy,
35:54Wiggy,
35:55Crap.
35:56Thank you very much,
35:57sir.
35:57Do we get a Christmas treat now?
35:59Yes,
35:59indeed you do.
36:00What is it?
36:01It's a door in the face.
36:03Here you are.
36:05Mr B,
36:06you can't send them out
36:07into the world
36:08with nothing but a small pudding.
36:10All right you are,
36:11Baldrick,
36:11door.
36:19You know what I'm hoping?
36:21What are you hoping,
36:22Baldrick?
36:23I'm hoping that this is all
36:24a Merry Christmas,
36:25and in a moment, you're going to go yo-ho-ho and give me a mince pie.
36:29Close your eyes, Valdrick.
36:31Open your mouth.
36:33Yo-ho-ho.
36:38Ah, my dear Millicent's come for her dinner.
36:43And she seems to have brought the fish course with her.
36:48Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
36:51I think it's me.
36:53This is Ralph. He's my fiancée.
36:56We're in love.
37:00Oh, dear.
37:02Your conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker.
37:06One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off.
37:13Shut up.
37:15Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened?
37:18You've changed from the nicest man in England into the horridest man in the world.
37:22I was thinking the same thing myself.
37:25When spoken to.
37:27I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand.
37:30Blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book.
37:36As for you, are you sure you can keep my goddaughter in the manner to which she is accustomed?
37:41Oh, yes.
37:42Absolutely.
37:44Oh.
37:45Splendid.
37:47Congratulations.
37:48Good day.
37:52Out.
37:52What?
37:54Hello, Ruth.
37:59Baudric, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large you'd think its mother
38:04had been rogered by an omnibus.
38:08I'm going to have a party and no one's invited but me.
38:12Oh.
38:13No peace for the wicked.
38:14Ah, Mr Ebenezer.
38:16I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me?
38:19Or had found me a little foul for Tiny Tom's Christmas?
38:22I've always found you foul, Mrs Scratchit.
38:25And more than a little.
38:27As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.
38:33But he's a cripple!
38:34He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit.
38:36Occasionally saying few my leg hurts when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baudric.
38:41It did, actually.
38:44However, if you want something for lunch, take this.
38:48It's a pound a lump and as luck would have it, there are 17 lumps left.
38:52But what about my Tiny Tom?
38:54If I was you, I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat.
38:57Good day.
39:02Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness?
39:06It's gone off, Baudric.
39:07It stinks.
39:11Get that?
39:11And whoever it is, slam the door in their faces.
39:14Otherwise I'll slum your face in the door.
39:18Hello, small dwarf fellow.
39:20Is this the house of the great philanthropist and all-round softy Ebenezer Blackadder?
39:25What?
39:25Mr Blackadder lives here.
39:27Ah, das is good, because we have a wunderbar secret.
39:30What secret?
39:31Ha!
39:32If I were to tell you that we're going to give him enormous fortune for being so generous,
39:36then it would no longer be a secret.
39:38Damn!
39:39I'm so stupid.
39:40Damn!
39:40What would no longer be a secret?
39:42We are Queen Victoria.
39:45Well, all three of you.
39:47My dear little hobgoblin.
39:50Here is our royal seal.
39:53We have come to present your master with £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder for being the kindest
40:01man in England.
40:02Blimey, your majesty.
40:04Oh, Rick, what did I tell you I'd do if you didn't slam the door on the faces of these
40:07scrounging loafers?
40:09But, but, Mr Blackadder...
40:11Oh!
40:12I'm not at home to guests.
40:22I flatter myself we are rather special guests, sir.
40:25What?
40:26Oh, of course.
40:28I must apologise.
40:30It is nothing that one receives a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests.
40:35Ha!
40:35So you recognise us at last.
40:37Yes, unless I'm very much mistaken.
40:39You're the winner of the Round Britain Shortest, Fattest, Dumpiest Woman Competition.
40:45And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming.
40:52Cork it, fatso!
40:55Don't you realise that this is the Victorian age where apart from Queen Piglet features herself, women and children ought
41:00to be seen and not heard.
41:02Queen Piglet features?
41:03Yes.
41:04Empress Oink, us lads call her.
41:07The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her is that stupid Frankfurter of a husband.
41:12The Pig and the Prig, we call them.
41:14How they ever managed to produce their 112 children is quite beyond me.
41:20The bedchambers of Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds.
41:24Certain ability to insult in our entire lives!
41:27Well, all I can say is you've been damned lucky.
41:33Ah, Baldrick, this is excellent, excellent.
41:36All the riff ruff and the sponges dealt with and gargantuan quantities of tuck to be gobbled.
41:41Here, have a wishbone.
41:45What do you wish?
41:47I wish there was some meat on this.
41:50Those last two were particularly satisfying, it felt just like having a go at the real Queen and Prince Albert.
41:55It was the real Queen and Prince Albert.
41:57Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick.
41:59What would the Queen be doing here?
42:00Well, she'd come to visit you to reward you for being the nicest man in England by giving you £50
42:06,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder.
42:09Baldrick, it couldn't have been the Queen because when she visits people, she leaves them her royal seal.
42:14What, like this one?
42:16Yes, just like that.
42:55The Queen and Prince Albert walked my way with the Queen.
43:05The Queen and Prince Albert went to the world of St.
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