- 2 days ago
Schneider's Pride and Joy
Schneider touts his visiting nephew as a model gentleman, unaware that the youth is a thief.
Schneider touts his visiting nephew as a model gentleman, unaware that the youth is a thief.
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TVTranscript
00:01This is it. This is it. This is life. The one you get to go and have a ball. This
00:09is it. This is it. Straight ahead and rest assured. You can't be sure at all.
00:16So while you're here, enjoy the view. Keep on doing what you do. Hold on tight, we'll muddle through one
00:24day at a time. So up on your feet, somewhere there's music playing. Don't you worry, love. Just take it
00:36like it's off one day at a time.
00:38One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
00:44One day at a time. One day at a time.
00:56Oh, sugar. I need help. I get the feeling it's too late. This fellow Grover's coming for lunch. My nails
01:03are wet and one of my eyes fell in the salad.
01:06Contact lens. It's green. Grover loves green.
01:10Jenny, since you moved in, I sure have a lot more to write my mother about.
01:14Just find the lens before Grover finds out my eyes are wearing falsies.
01:22Hmm. It's oil and vinegar with a touch of basil.
01:26Basil? Basil's for Benny. Benny's for dinner. Garlic's for Grover. Grover's for lunch. I need a dance card.
01:34Hey, look, I found it. One of the garbanzo beans is staring at me.
01:39You're a lifesaver.
01:41I know. I'll go wash it off.
01:43Okay.
01:45Oh, I'll get it.
01:46Okay.
02:01Don't shoot.
02:04Your money or...
02:09Would you take advantage of a woman while she's completely helpless?
02:12Oh, yes.
02:14Hey, Jenny, here it is.
02:16Oh, thanks.
02:17Ah. Hi there, Ms. Romano. You seen my nephew?
02:19Nope.
02:21Oh, well, he was gonna fix the lamp in the girls' room.
02:23I guess he's still working on that curtain rod in 407.
02:25Oh, it's a shame to make him work on his visit.
02:28Make him work? He outright volunteered.
02:30I mean, he mopped the foyer, he cleaned out the storage closet,
02:33and then he climbed up on the roof and he got Mr. Goldfob's hearing aid.
02:36Goldfob drew it up there and he said to his wife,
02:38You want to talk to me, go climb up on the roof. He's beautiful.
02:43Uh, something wrong?
02:44No, I just put it in my contact lens.
02:49You mean to tell me I have been writing sonnets to limpid pools of plastic?
02:57Dwayne! I thought it was Robert Redford with a dye job.
03:01It's an honest mistake.
03:02You hunk, you.
03:06See you later, Ann.
03:08Tell that cute nephew to call me up when he's 21.
03:11I'll still be the same age.
03:16I tell you, that nephew, he's really a charmer.
03:22Can I show you the watch he brought me?
03:24That's beautiful.
03:25Fourteen jewels, rust-proof, waterproof, shock-proof, with a built-in alarm.
03:30I haven't missed one garbage pickup since I got it.
03:34Nothing's too good for his Uncle Dwayne.
03:36You're real proud of him, aren't you?
03:38Ah, Ms. Romano.
03:40My Harvey, he is merely the greatest nephew that has ever been my privilege to uncle.
03:45I mean, the kid's got it all.
03:47He's cool, he's handsome, he's macho, he's me.
03:54Hello.
03:55My uncle's passkey.
03:57He's you, all right.
03:59Hello, Harvey.
04:00Hi, I'm Ms. Romano.
04:01I came to fix the lamp.
04:02Ah, Schneider, you shouldn't let him go into people's apartments using your passkey.
04:06Oh, yeah.
04:08Uh, listen, uh, Harvey, Ms. Romano is right.
04:11You shouldn't do that.
04:12There's a lot of women that might take advantage of a guy like you.
04:16Are you kidding?
04:17With you around, I wouldn't stand a chance.
04:19Hey, there's always room at the top.
04:21Where's the lamp?
04:22Girl's room.
04:23Hey, listen, I brought the soldering gun for you, in case you need it.
04:26Oh, thanks, Unc.
04:29Unc.
04:30Did you hear the love and the adoration in his voice?
04:35Unc.
04:35What he was really saying was, Dad.
04:37And, of course, I have been ever since this old man died.
04:41Well, you and your sister seem to have done a pretty good job raising Harvey.
04:44Are you kidding?
04:46She's a ding-a-ling.
04:48Harvey turned out great despite her.
04:50I don't know what it is.
04:51I just...
04:52I just don't think mothers are cut out to raise kids.
04:57She keeps telling me that something is wrong, that he's got a problem.
05:02He doesn't have any problems.
05:04He's got no problems except his mother.
05:08Do you realize that she took him into the ladies' room until he was five years of age?
05:14It's a wonder he ever learned to stand on his own two feet.
05:20Did I show you the new watch he got me?
05:21Ah, let me guess.
05:23Fourteen jewels, rust-proof, shock-proof.
05:25All right, so I'm bragging on him a little bit, but he deserves it.
05:29You need a hand in there, Harvey?
05:30No, no, I can handle it.
05:32I can handle it.
05:51Loose wire there, no sweat.
05:53Oh, uh, what time is it?
05:54Oh, it's, uh, 12.20.
05:58Sorry.
05:59It's all right.
06:00Actually, it's 12.19.
06:037.19 in Honolulu.
06:04It's tea time in Baghdad.
06:07All right, everybody.
06:08You know something, Mom?
06:09I'll tell you what.
06:09I'm gonna go get cleaned up, then I'm coming back and buying your lunch.
06:13No, no, today the chili is on me.
06:15No, no, I'm picking up the tab.
06:17I won't hear of it.
06:20That kid.
06:22He's too much.
06:23I mean, he's so young and he's got it all together.
06:25I just hope he doesn't burn out.
06:27Yeah, boy, I know what you mean.
06:29I mean, you can't be president until you're 35.
06:33Wouldn't that be something?
06:36Dwayne Schneider, the super at the White House.
06:42Excuse me, Mr. President, but the toilet in the blue room is temporarily de passage.
06:48Hi, Mom.
06:49Hi, guys.
06:50Hi, girls.
06:51Did you have a good time?
06:52How are you?
06:52Good.
06:53How's your daddy?
06:54Good.
06:54Good.
06:55Listen, I didn't think you were supposed to come back till tomorrow.
06:58Sarah, one of you ladies is about to have the date of your life.
07:04What?
07:05Schneider's nephew is visiting.
07:06I'll go get Harvey.
07:08Harvey?
07:10Ah, Schneider, I may be...
07:12Hey, don't worry.
07:13I shall instruct Harvey to turn down the volume on the Schneider charisma.
07:18Thank God he doesn't have a mustache.
07:24Schneider's nephew.
07:25Well, looks like you got a date with Schneider's nephew.
07:29Not me.
07:29I'm a little too tired for a wrestling match.
07:32Actually, he, uh, he seems like a pretty nice kid.
07:35Who wants to go out with a nice octopus?
07:39How old is he?
07:41Seventeen.
07:42Too bad you win, Barbie.
07:43He's too young for me.
07:44You're seventeen.
07:45You know I don't date guys my own age.
07:48What do you want to do?
07:48Start a scandal?
07:50John, do I have to?
07:52I mean, I hate blind dates.
07:54What are you talking about?
07:56Blind dates?
07:57I can get my own dates.
07:58Just trust me.
07:59I don't need you or anybody else to...
08:04Hello.
08:07You want to go to a movie tonight?
08:09Sure, what time?
08:10Pick you up at seven.
08:11Great.
08:19Not that it matters, but, Barbara, this is Harvey.
08:22Harvey, this is Barbara.
08:24Happens every time.
08:28Instant adoration.
08:29Ever since I gave him a pint of my blood.
08:34My dad bought me some new taste this weekend.
08:36You want to go listen to him?
08:37Sure.
08:37Great.
08:38I'll get my tape recorder.
08:39Your tape recorder?
08:40Oh, wait.
08:41You just got home.
08:42We could do it later.
08:43Oh, take but a sec.
08:44Julie, would you help me over there?
08:46Thank you very much.
08:50Well, duty calls.
08:52I got to go jump on Miss Fetterson's linoleum.
08:54It's buckling again.
08:56Yeah, I'll help you out.
08:56No, no, no.
08:57I, uh, I want you to give Mr. Wilson a hand finding his camera.
09:00He says somebody ripped it off.
09:02And then I want you to go reset that tile in old Mrs. Dorsey's shower.
09:05Uh, where do you keep the tile it heats it?
09:08Ah, never mind that.
09:09Just use her denture grip.
09:12Ma, have you seen my tape recorder?
09:14No, sweetheart.
09:15Did you take it to your father's?
09:16No, I left it on my dresser.
09:19I was taping my diary.
09:21Oh, well, uh, maybe it's self-destructed out of boredom.
09:25Hey, look, I'm sure that it's around here someplace.
09:28I hope so.
09:29I hope I didn't lose it.
09:46I have a really good time.
09:48Ah, me too.
09:50Come on in.
09:53Listen, Barbara, I'm gonna ask you again.
09:56Please, I mean, I really want to...
09:58Harvey, I can't.
10:00I mean, I couldn't.
10:01Come on, don't ruin everything.
10:05Harvey, I wouldn't be ruining anything.
10:07It's just, it's not right.
10:08Please, I want to so much.
10:11Yeah, well, so do I.
10:13Um, maybe I should ask my mom.
10:15Ask mom?
10:19Whoa, wait a second now.
10:21I only wanted to give her a tape recorder.
10:23No!
10:24Hey, Julie, there is really a good...
10:26Oh, hi.
10:28How's the movie?
10:29Good?
10:29Ms. Romano, now, Barbara here lost a tape recorder, right?
10:33Yeah.
10:33So I want to give her this one.
10:34I told him that I absolutely, positively cannot accept it.
10:39Good.
10:40Can I?
10:42Harvey, look, it's a very generous offer, but Barbara cannot accept such an expensive gift.
10:46That's right.
10:47I mean, she's lucky if she even gets a kiss on the first date.
10:50Stop it.
10:51Look, it's not new, and I've got another one.
10:55Well, Harvey, nevertheless...
10:56Consider it alone until she gets another one.
10:59Uh...
10:59Great.
11:00Now let's go listen to your new tapes.
11:01Harvey, I...
11:03Uh, Julie.
11:05Mom, why?
11:06It'd be like babysitting Snow White.
11:10All right.
11:17Parked it in the garage, but no, no, that was too much trouble.
11:21I could have locked the car door, but no, no, why bother?
11:23I could have put it in the glove compartment, but it looked so nice lying out there on the
11:26seat that I just...
11:27Ginny, what happened?
11:29Somebody stole my brand-new tape recorder.
11:40Ginny, what does your tape recorder look like?
11:42Well, it's black.
11:42It has a black leather case.
11:44Why?
11:45Okay, this is gonna sound off the wall.
11:47Uh, but Harvey gave Barbara a tape recorder on their first date.
11:51All I got out of Grover was 20 laps around the sofa.
11:56Ginny, Barbara's tape recorder is also missing.
12:01And Harvey was in her room this morning fixing a lamp.
12:06Back up, back up.
12:07Are you saying Schneider's nephew is a thief?
12:09No, no, I'm not saying that.
12:11Oh.
12:11But I'm gonna find out.
12:13Barbara!
12:13Yeah?
12:14Honey, would you come out here and bring your tape recorder?
12:16I'd love Ginny to see it.
12:18Well, sure.
12:18Okay.
12:19Would you kind of, uh, look at it without being too obvious?
12:23Yeah, I like the guys in the bar.
12:27Hi, guys.
12:27Hi, Jimmy.
12:28How's it going?
12:29Um, Harvey gave it to me.
12:31Oh, it's real nice.
12:33It's also mine.
12:43Harvey.
12:45You know, I found that in an alley.
12:48You know, I thought somebody lost it.
12:51You know what I think, Harvey?
12:54I think that you took Barbara's tape recorder, and then after you met her, you wanted to score
12:58some points, so you got another one.
13:00You stole both of them?
13:04All right, yeah.
13:05Big deal.
13:06What are you gonna do, call the cops?
13:08And tell them, what, that I stole your tape recorder?
13:10You're standing there holding it in your hands.
13:11Don't give me that smart talk pipsqueak.
13:15You'll be playing another record when I'm curious about this.
13:18You gotta be kidding.
13:19He wouldn't believe a word you said.
13:21Be your word against mine.
13:23And let's face it, sweets.
13:25You got a nice body, but, uh, I miss pride and joy.
13:28Okay, kid, come on.
13:29You're not impressing anybody.
13:30Get out of here.
13:31I-I can't believe I'm really hearing this.
13:33Well, thanks, kid.
13:34It was terrific.
13:35Come on.
13:35Go.
13:37Leave the doorknob.
13:47I don't understand.
13:49I mean, we had such a good time.
13:51Why would he do something like that?
13:53He-he didn't even say he was sorry.
13:55He's sick, Barbara.
13:57Yep.
13:57I think that Harvey's mother knows him a lot better than Schneider thinks she does.
14:03Mom, uh, Mr. Wilson's camera is missing.
14:08And Harvey had the passkey.
14:10Poor Schneider.
14:12I'll talk to him.
14:13Come on, girls.
14:14Uh, bedtime.
14:15School tomorrow.
14:15Let's go.
14:16Good night, Jenny.
14:17Good night.
14:17Good night, Mom.
14:18Sleep good.
14:18Good night.
14:20Good night, Jenny.
14:22I don't know what now.
14:28Apartment 402?
14:31Yes.
14:31Ms. Ann Romano?
14:34Schneider-
14:34Henceforth, Ms. Romano.
14:36If you require any work of a reparatory nature, you may consult with the Yellow Pages.
14:42Schneider-
14:43He told me what went on up here.
14:46He did?
14:47Yes.
14:47And he's got nothing to be ashamed of, because any red-blooded American boy would have done
14:51the same thing.
14:53What?
14:53It takes two to tangle.
14:55Run that bias one more time.
14:58Harvey told me that Miss Prude here caught he and Barbara doing a little platonic necking
15:03on the sofa, went crazy, and threw him out.
15:06Can you believe that?
15:07Believe it?
15:08Of course I believe it.
15:09He's my nephew.
15:11Schneider.
15:13Oh, God.
15:13This isn't going to be easy to say.
15:15Harvey took Jenny's tape recorder from her car.
15:18It's incredible, the tricks that an active mind can play on one.
15:22I would have sworn that I just heard you say that Harvey stole a tape recorder.
15:26It's true, Dwayne.
15:27It's right here.
15:30It's right here, but he stole it.
15:35What are you two doing, smoking a little rope?
15:40Schneider, that is Jenny's recorder.
15:42Now, she has identified it.
15:43Harvey gave it to Barbara.
15:46Well, let me ask you something.
15:47If he stole it, why did he give it to Barbara?
15:51Because when he was fixing Barbara's lamp this morning, he stole hers.
15:56Why don't you give me a call when you come out in the ether?
15:59Oh, Schneider.
16:00Ms. Romano, when you accuse a Schneider, you accuse America.
16:08Dwayne.
16:08Besides, what would he want with another tape recorder?
16:11He's already got three of them at home.
16:26Hey, kid.
16:29Hi, Uncle.
16:30Oh, you're packing.
16:31I thought we were going to a ball game tomorrow.
16:33Ah, yeah, well, I'm a little worried about Mom.
16:38You know how she gets when she's left alone.
16:40Yeah.
16:41Yeah, listen, Harv.
16:43I was talking to Ms. Romano.
16:45Oh, you went up there, huh?
16:47Yeah.
16:48Look, I'm not prying nothing.
16:49But she said that you gave Barbara a tape recorder.
16:53And she told you I stole it.
16:57Well, you know how uptight menless women get.
17:01I mean, like spit on a hot tin roof.
17:03But the thing is that Ms. Reblicki, she's got this crazy idea that it's hers.
17:11Well, listen, Unc, uh, I got to tell you something.
17:15I didn't know whose it was.
17:16I mean, I know it was wrong.
17:19But, well, Barbie wanted a recorder.
17:22I was a little short of cash.
17:24So, I bought it hot from some guy in the alley.
17:29Oh, you mean it was already hot?
17:32Sure.
17:33Oh, and I was worried.
17:36Niner?
17:42Well, if it ain't the judge and jury come by just in time to apologize.
17:47Can I come in?
17:48Yes, indeed, do.
17:49Come in.
17:50Uh, listen.
17:50No, you listen, Ms. Romano.
17:52That tape recorder, that was already hot.
17:55He didn't steal it.
17:57Now, you better check out your facts or you stop hanging heavy heat on Harvey here for
18:02heisting hot who?
18:03Luke!
18:05Look, I don't want no apology.
18:07I would just like to get out of here.
18:08Hold it, hasty.
18:09Schneider, he did steal Barbara's tape recorder.
18:12He also stole Ginny's tape recorder.
18:14He admitted the whole thing.
18:17Also, Mr. Wilson's camera is missing.
18:20And Harvey here had the passkey.
18:24Ms. Romano, I am about to say something I have never said before in this apartment
18:29to a woman.
18:30Leave.
18:33Harvey, open the suitcase.
18:35Oh, no.
18:36Are we gonna stand for this?
18:37Come on, cutie.
18:38Open it.
18:39Go ahead, open it.
18:40Show her how wrong she is, Harvey.
18:41Uncle Dwayne, if you make me open the suitcase, it's gonna mean you don't trust me.
18:44No, no, no.
18:45But see, if you don't open it, then she's gonna think that you're stealing something.
18:47Go ahead.
18:48Right, right, open it.
18:49You know, you, you are just like my mother.
18:52You don't believe anything I say.
18:54Oh, forget it.
18:55I'm splitting.
18:55Hey, Harvey.
18:57For me, huh?
18:58Open the suitcase.
19:00All right.
19:01You want it open, there it is.
19:04Open it yourself.
19:05All right.
19:08I hope you're satisfied, Ms. Barinsky.
19:14Go ahead.
19:14You want to go through with it?
19:15What do we got here?
19:16Hey, well, we got some shirts, some shorts, socks, a camera, tape recorder, pearl necklace.
19:35I'm sorry.
19:39You think.
19:42You think.
19:45I ought to give you...
19:46Schneider, please.
19:47Schneider, no.
19:49Hey.
19:49Hey, Schneider.
19:50All right.
19:52All right.
19:53You're a big man, aren't you?
19:56Pushing your mops around, hauling your garbage.
19:59I don't need you, Unc.
20:02I don't need you at all.
20:05Oh, and, uh...
20:08Keep the watch, huh?
20:10I got a drawer full of them back home.
20:13Oh.
20:21So the watch.
20:23Schneider, he is screaming for help.
20:26He's screaming for help?
20:28Well, what do you think I've been giving him his whole life?
20:32I mean, I...
20:35I made one of those soapbox races for me.
20:37He was a little kid.
20:38I took him fishing.
20:41I taught him how to make Hunter's stew.
20:45Played baseball with him.
20:46We joined the Little League together.
20:48Why, the first season he led the league in stolen bases.
20:58I guess that's really all he's good for in life.
21:04Stealing.
21:05That's the thanks I get for being like a father to him.
21:09Ah, Schneider, you were never like a father.
21:12That includes discipline and rules.
21:14What you are is a great uncle who plays games with him
21:17and then sends him home.
21:19Ever had a serious talk with him?
21:21Oh, Ms. Romano, that stuff,
21:22that's for the high school coach to teach him.
21:26Don't be afraid to talk to him, Schneider.
21:29I mean, the worst thing that can happen
21:30is he'll find out his Uncle Macho
21:32understands his problems.
21:36The fact is, Ms. Romano,
21:38that I gave it my best shot.
21:43As busy as I was, I hung out with that kid.
21:49I found time for him.
21:54I could look my conscience right in the eye.
21:59It's not my fault that my sister raised a thief.
22:03Schneider, he's in serious trouble
22:05and you're thinking about yourself.
22:09Would you please butt out of my life, Ms. Romano?
22:12It is not your life, it's his.
22:15Have you ever stopped to think for a second
22:16that he might want to get caught?
22:19He what?
22:20Ah, Schneider, people do all kinds of crazy things
22:23just to get attention.
22:27Maybe he needs professional help.
22:32Like what?
22:35Like a psychiatrist.
22:37Uh-huh!
22:39Send a Schneider to a psychiatrist?
22:43Absolutely not!
22:44I won't even touch their plumbing!
22:52No Schneider has ever gone to no psychiatrist.
22:57Would you prefer a prison?
23:09Came back to get my clothes, uh...
23:13At least they are mine.
23:21Harvey, we're gonna have a talk.
23:24Who needs it?
23:26Huh?
23:28Everybody needs it, Harvey.
23:30Especially you.
23:32So we're gonna have a talk.
23:35I don't think so.
23:37Harvey, we're gonna have a talk!
23:50So, what should we talk about?
23:58Oh, I think I swallowed my gum.
24:03All right.
24:06Now, the way I see it...
24:11You want to start talking first?
24:15I don't mind if you want to start talking first.
24:18Frequently in today's society,
24:20younger talks before the old.
24:43One Day at a Time was recorded live, on tape, before a studio audience.
24:47One Day at a Time was recorded live, on tape, before a studio audience.
24:48No, maybe.
25:03But what do you want to try to say so?
25:06One Day at a Time was systematically since episode 2.
25:07No, anyone there won't work, man.
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