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00:00Before we start recording I've been asked to make a public statement following the Premier League's investigation
00:06Into the points I've earned over the years on have I got news for you
00:50Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Richard Ayoade. In the news this week, in Essex,
00:56one local man tries to walk normally, despite having a massive wedge of bankrollers.
01:00He has a banknote stuck up his arse.
01:07Well, looks like he's dying for a crypto.
01:17As the police investigation into Married at First Sight continues, Channel 4 executives decide what to do with tapes of
01:24the yet-to-be broadcast series, Pedos in the Playground.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:33And as a charity event in the Cotswolds, the Queen pretends she had absolutely nothing to do with the prank
01:38involving Giles Brandreth's fingers and the super glue.
01:42This extraordinary...
01:44..which means a bit around the world.
01:48LAUGHTER
01:49On Ian's team tonight is a singer who was first on the show back in 2002 and most recently appeared
01:55in 2012. In fact, she's showing so much promise that a mere 14 years later, we've asked her back again.
02:02Please welcome Charlotte Church.
02:05APPLAUSE
02:07It's a bit like being on 70 Up.
02:1070 Up.
02:11You were 16.
02:13Yeah, yeah, it's been a long time.
02:14And now I'm 30.
02:16Now you're 30.
02:18On Paul's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster who has appeared in Countdown's Dictionary Corner over 300 times. And
02:25if you're looking for a word for that, it's overkill.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:29Please welcome Giles Brandreth.
02:32APPLAUSE
02:35We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Ian and Charlotte, here's yours.
02:39Oh, that's the Prime Minister at the moment.
02:42Yes.
02:42Might not be on the repeat.
02:44Lovely Mr Burnham, who is flying high currently after what was an absolute walloping speech, better than his dancing there.
02:53But the pensioners aren't happy.
02:56No, they don't like the fact there's no more triple lock.
02:58Yes.
02:59It's now a double lock.
03:00Yes.
03:01How do you feel about that, Ian?
03:02I...
03:03I...
03:05I'm thrilled, myself.
03:07I am more cynical than you are.
03:09I expect you wept during the speech.
03:11Erm, I don't know if I wept, but I was certainly emotional.
03:14Erm, but also just exciting.
03:16Not to hear the same old shit, essentially.
03:19You know, just to hear, actually, some innovations, some ideas.
03:24I thought it was masterful.
03:26Really?
03:26Was I watching the same speech?
03:29Er...
03:30It's the first politician I've believed in in a while.
03:33Wow, not even Rishi Suno.
03:35No, no.
03:35Not even...
03:36Not even Rishi Suno.
03:38Or Giles Branden.
03:39No!
03:40Have you got some questions?
03:41Oh, no, I've been enjoying you two catching up.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:45It's been a while.
03:46Oh, Todd, what was he basically saying?
03:48What would you say the key points of his speech were?
03:50He's going to do a lot of things, but not now.
03:54Erm, he's going to do a lot of them in 2029, 2030,
03:57after the next general election, so...
04:00Just...
04:01You know, wait.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03I think Charlotte's absolutely right.
04:05I think it was a humdinger of a speech.
04:07I was pleased to hear about the triple lock being changed,
04:09because I never really quite understood it,
04:11and I know you never understood it.
04:13Yes.
04:14Can someone explain the triple lock to us, Giles?
04:17There was one, two and three of them.
04:18OK.
04:22So, Andy Burnham announced that he would...
04:25..fund a new social care service, cut pensions,
04:27nationalised utilities, reverse Brexit,
04:29change the electoral system, increase defence spending,
04:31build thousands of new houses, and all for under a tenner.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35What was Kemi Badenoch's beef with Andy Burnham?
04:38Well, I mean, the other parties have noticed
04:39that there are a lot of pensioners and they vote.
04:43So, Kemi Badenoch said she's against it, Nigel Farage is against...
04:47I mean, he's not against gifts, generally.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51Well, Kemi Badenoch says he wants to take Britain back to the 1970s.
04:57What's wrong with the 1970s, Giles?
04:59Something massive happened to you in the 1970s, didn't it?
05:02It did.
05:03Yes.
05:03What was it?
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07You came third in the World Monopoly Championship.
05:10Oh, wow!
05:11Yes, thank you. Out of four.
05:13These are nice questions.
05:14Yes, yes.
05:15Lovely.
05:15Did you enjoy Andy Burnham's justification for re-nationalising
05:18the utilities?
05:20And what are they?
05:21Gas, electricity.
05:22You're Monopoly champion, you should know.
05:24Oh, that's good.
05:25It's on the Monopoly car.
05:27Exactly.
05:28He said there's a reason why you can't build property
05:31on the utilities in Monopoly.
05:33Oh!
05:34Stone-cold zinger.
05:35Wow!
05:36Oh, man.
05:37Andy Burnham also announced controversial plans for a potential referendum
05:40on Britain's re-entry into Europe.
05:42Yes.
05:43He said the country had been very, very divided
05:45over the last few years and it was time to solve that
05:48and one of the ways would be to re-introduce the Brexit debate.
05:52And the Brexit debate was addressed on Newsnight,
05:54although their guests didn't think they were taking it seriously enough.
05:57Is Britain ready to reopen the issue which ten years ago split the country down the middle?
06:02We will ask this gentleman, journalistic giant Andy Neal, join us live in four minutes
06:06on BBC Two, BBC iPlayer and around the world on BBC News.
06:11Oh, amazing!
06:12Couldn't they get him in person?
06:13They just...
06:16He looks like one of those characters in Lord of the Rings.
06:19Yes.
06:23Nigel Farage had a busy summer, didn't he?
06:25He had a by-election.
06:26Yes, he did.
06:26He valiantly fought off a challenge from a bin.
06:29Oh, yes!
06:30And then, for apparently no reason at all, he managed to rustle up 72 million in donations
06:35that just fell into his lap.
06:37But these donations have absolutely no strings attached, do they?
06:40I don't know where to start.
06:42I think we should just wait until the parliamentary standards investigation comes through
06:46because one of the reasons he called the by-election was to try and avoid scrutiny
06:50and he won the by-election and the standards investigation said,
06:54right, I'll start investigating again, which is pretty funny.
06:58And then he was caught on a Channel 4 sting.
07:01It is very busy being given money.
07:04It's tough.
07:05But also that much more than we've ever really heard of in terms of, like,
07:09party political donations.
07:11I mean, it's an enormous amount of money.
07:14But I wouldn't worry too much about it because many parties and politicians
07:17in America have been given vast sums of money.
07:19Mega, mega, mega millions and not succeeded.
07:22So it may help him weed out some of the more doubtful possible candidates
07:27You're fantastically general.
07:29Do you think he'll spend that money on vetting...?
07:31Well, he showed to weed out some of the sort of perverts and weirdos.
07:34Only some of them. Keep some of them.
07:38It means don't destroy the party.
07:40Yeah, I do.
07:41People are favourite perverts.
07:44That's the way to run a party.
07:46Which hapless Tory was in the news recently?
07:49I mean, I saw Rory Stewart looking quite strange on television
07:53because he does this bizarre thing when somebody is speaking.
07:56I think he's been told to do...
07:58Exactly!
07:58That's the look he gives.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:05Rory Stewart, he was on Newsnight and clearly, as a well-brought-up young man,
08:10he wanted to show that he was interested in what his fellow guest had to say.
08:13It's terrifying.
08:15I mean, what's your sense of what going on?
08:17APPLAUSE
08:20Thank you very much!
08:21It is hard.
08:24Sometimes Gollum can glitch.
08:28There's a by-election next week.
08:30We mustn't forget that.
08:31There is.
08:31In the constituency of...
08:32Hoban...
08:33Hoban St Pancras.
08:35Hoban St Pancras.
08:36Hoban St Pancras.
08:36Yeah.
08:36It's Keir Starmer's old seat.
08:38Keir went.
08:39He did.
08:40Nobody noticed.
08:45Who's the standout novelty candidate this time, given there's no bin face?
08:49Oh!
08:50Bisto.
08:52Is this a commercial break?
08:54Are we doing a commercial break?
08:56Barmy Brunch.
08:57Barmy Brunch?
08:58Barmy Brunch.
08:59What do you think Barmy Brunch's special thing is?
09:02Dressing up as breakfast.
09:03OK.
09:04Giant sausage.
09:05Those are just rumours.
09:12I'll tell you.
09:13Light of beans on his head.
09:14Yes.
09:15What do you mean, yes?
09:17He's got a head made of baked beans.
09:21Oh, sorry.
09:22That's Harry Hill with monkeypox.
09:24Oh, and a list of all the other candidates standing are on your screen now.
09:28So, what's the name of his party?
09:30He is the Monster Raving Loony Party, I think.
09:32Ah, yes.
09:33Ah, right, yes.
09:34I do remember them with great affection.
09:36They stepped down when I stood for Parliament, you know?
09:38Well, their work has done.
09:39They gave me a clean one.
09:40Yeah.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:47This is the Labour Party conference.
09:49A nostalgic reference to a minus lamp was made in the speech by Chancellor John Healey.
09:54I'm guessing he likes being in mines, as down there the sunlight can't kill him.
09:59One candidate who's not standing in the Hoban and St Pancras by-election is Count Binface.
10:04After his good showing in Clacton, he's worried he might actually get elected as an MP
10:08and doesn't want to become a much derided joke figure.
10:13Paul and Giles, here's yours.
10:15Yes.
10:15Oh, Lord.
10:16OK, Bushes.
10:18Oh!
10:19Farmer on the phone, and this is the incident that happened at the weekend.
10:23This is RAF Fairford.
10:24Mm.
10:25Four lads in those vans, or one of those vans.
10:29Yeah.
10:29They turn up, we don't quite know why, but President Trump does.
10:32Yeah, yeah.
10:33And he phones the local chief constable to congratulate him
10:37on arresting the people that he, Trump, discovered at RAF Fairford.
10:41Mm.
10:41It's a mystery.
10:42The point is, it's a mystery.
10:43Four lads turn up in vans.
10:45Why are they lads?
10:46Because they're young men.
10:47Yeah.
10:47It's quite matey.
10:49Yeah, indeed.
10:50Yeah.
10:50Because they look like friendly types.
10:51I've seen them.
10:52Yeah.
10:53The Prime Minister has said...
10:55Yes.
10:55..there is a connection with Iran.
10:58So I'm just saying, I don't think they are lads.
11:00They've taken a wrong path, but we can get them back on the good track.
11:03Yeah.
11:03We don't know.
11:04You're presuming.
11:05I am.
11:05I'm sorry, Giles.
11:07Here we are.
11:08I mustn't judge.
11:08I must judge less.
11:09Donald Trump did have plenty to say about the incident.
11:12Even going as far as to explain it in terms a five-year-old would understand.
11:16They were looking to do big damage to our force.
11:21Donald Trump's timing is always very good.
11:24Have a look at this.
11:25Other countries are not doing as well.
11:27Even President Xi.
11:28First thing he said to me, wow, you've done a good job.
11:30He said that in Chinese, by the way.
11:37Andy Burnham had his first meeting with Donald Trump recently.
11:41How did that go?
11:42He liked him.
11:43Yeah.
11:43He's a likeable guy.
11:44He's a likeable guy.
11:45Nothing wrong with that.
11:46You know, Ian, you've got to just get a grip.
11:52This is going to get you down in here.
11:53He's a lovely lad, Ian.
11:55He's just a lad.
11:56I appreciate my problem as I like everybody.
11:58Your problem is you like nobody.
12:00Yeah.
12:01Let's meet in the middle.
12:02And like some people, not like others.
12:05Yeah, that seems extreme to me.
12:07Let's have a picture of Burnham and Trump together.
12:10Yeah.
12:11Some people said Burnham looked nervous, but I thought he looked a bit more...
12:14Yeah.
12:16Oh!
12:19Nothing wrong with that.
12:20Shall we have a quick missing word round with J.D. Vance?
12:24OK, here it is.
12:25What is Shakespeare of our time, says J.D. Vance?
12:29Oh, I heard...
12:29It's an American TV show and I can't remember what it was.
12:31Yeah, you're right.
12:31Is it Fox News?
12:32The answer is Emily in Paris.
12:34Oh, it's charming.
12:35Emily in Paris.
12:36OK.
12:37We're not saying it's not charming.
12:39I'm just asserting it's charming.
12:41No one's saying it's not charming, Giles.
12:42Look.
12:43Giles, we're not here to list charming things.
12:45Yeah.
12:47It's incontrovertible that Emily in Paris is charming.
12:50No, it isn't.
12:55It's filmed in Croatia and her real name's Mary.
12:57Is that true?
12:59While we're on the subject of Trump lackeys,
13:01can you tell me what Secretary of Commerce,
13:03Howard Lutnick's new nickname is?
13:07Oh.
13:07Klutznitz.
13:08No.
13:10After several sycophantic appearances praising Trump,
13:14he's now being referred to as Howard Nutlick.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:19Is that charming, Charles?
13:21No.
13:23It's literally bollocks.
13:29We're moving to a subject close to Trump's heart.
13:32Intelligence.
13:32Yes.
13:33Ah!
13:33How does he want to rebrand artificial intelligence,
13:37Donald Trump?
13:38Super intelligence.
13:39Yeah.
13:40Well done.
13:41Yeah.
13:41They've been talking the last couple of weeks about how AI
13:43could finish off humanity, but they haven't said how.
13:45And I can understand that in case AI's going,
13:47oh, yeah.
13:50I don't know exactly what he's going to do,
13:51but I don't want to know.
13:52Well, let's look at how they're doing so far,
13:55because we've got some exciting footage from the Robot Olympics.
13:58Oh, great.
13:58Ha!
13:59Oh!
14:02THEY CONFER
14:12THEY CONFER
14:17THEY CONFER
14:17IT SEEMS THEY HAVE MANAGED TO GET THIS TECHNOLOGY TO THE POINT OF PISSED HUMANS
14:23WE HAVE ALWAYS FOUND IT FUNNY, PHYSICAL SLAPSTICK PEOPLE FALLING OVER
14:27YOU KNOW, LOSS OF DIGNITY AND THE FACT THAT THESE THINGS ARE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED
14:30AND YET WHEN THEY FALL OVER THEY LOOK JUST RIDICULOUS AND SILLY
14:33IS SOMETHING THAT WE CAN TREASURE AS WE ARE MARCHED IN TOWARDS THE DEATH CAMPS
14:37YEAH
14:44THEY GOT ME HEAD IN THERE
14:47WELL, THIS IS THE ONGOING INCIDENT AT RAF FAIRFORD
14:50AFTER BEING INTERROGATED BY POLICE THE SUSPECTS HAVE NOW ALL BEEN RELEASED ON BAIL
14:55TO THE SURPRISE OF DONALD TRUMP WHO EXCLAIMED
14:58HOW DO YOU GIVE BAIL TO A TERRORIST?
14:59BEATS ME, DONALD
15:00HOW DO YOU GIVE THE PRESIDENCY TO A SEXUAL ABUSER?
15:09SO WE ARRIVE AT ROUND TWO, THE ONE ARMED BANDIT OF NEWS
15:13OKAY, FINGERS ON BUZZERS TEAMS, HERE'S YOUR FIRST STORY
15:18SO WE CAN TAKE A LOOK AT THE STORY
15:21WELL, THIS IS MANCHESTER CITY
15:24THEY HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF NOT DECLARING ALL THE MONEY
15:26THEY WERE BRINGING IN, SPONSORING SECRET MONEY COMING IN FROM THE OWNERS
15:29YES, EXACTLY, THIS IS NEWS THAT MANCHESTER CITY HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY
15:33OF 114 CHARGES OF FINANCIAL MISCONDUCT
15:36OBVIOUSLY, I'M VERY ACROSS THIS STORY
15:39BUT WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHAT MANCHESTER CITY IS?
15:43YEAH
15:45WHAT PUNISHMENT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THIS?
15:48RELEGATION
15:48YOU SHOULD HAVE TO PLAY THE NEXT FIVE GAMES BACK WEARING BOOTS
15:52AND NOT BE TOLD WHETHER THAT MATCH IS BEING HELD
15:54YES
15:56THERE ARE COMPLAINTS OF UNFAIRNESS
15:58HERE'S ONE IMPASSIONED FAN ON BBC RADIO 5 LIVE
16:01MANCHESTER IS A FINE TRADITION OF FACING LAWS THAT WERE NOT FAIR
16:05AND RESISTING THEM, SUCH AS THE SUFFRAGETTS
16:07SUCH AS PETER LOO
16:09WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE THAT TRADITION
16:11AND WHEN WE SEE LAWS THAT ARE BLATANTLY UNFAIR
16:14WE WILL RESIST THEM
16:15I'M SORRY, BUT I THINK THE IDEA THAT CITY LIKE EMILY PANKERST
16:20IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS
16:22THE MASSACRE OF PETER LOO IS HARDLY FAIR, IS IT?
16:25WELL, NO, THEY MIGHT BE STRIPT OF ALL SEVEN MAJOR TROPHIES
16:28THEY WON BETWEEN 2009 AND 2018
16:30THAT'S SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TO BEING MASSACRED BY A BUNCH OF DRAGOONS, ISN'T IT?
16:34SORRY, ALL SEVEN MAJOR TROPHIES
16:40ONE MAN IS TRYING TO STAY OPTIMISTIC
16:43IT'S NOT GILES
16:44CELEBRITY FAN LIAM GALAGA
16:46HE WROTE ON X ON SUNDAY
16:50JUST BEING TOLD BY SOMEONE IN A VERY HIGH POSITION
16:54IF YOU LOSE OUR APPEAL
16:55WE WON'T
16:55WE WILL BE GETTING A FINE
16:57AND TRANSFORM A BAN
16:59AND THAT'S IT
17:00SO ALL YOU DESPERATE
17:01NEUROTIC SPUNK BUBBLES
17:02HUSH IT UP
17:08STAYING WITH FOOTBALL
17:09WHICH MATCH PROVES CONTROVERSIAL RECENTLY?
17:11IRELAND VERSUS ISRAEL
17:12YES
17:12AH
17:13IN PROTEST OF THE CONFLICT IN GASA
17:15IRISH PLAYERS BOWED THEIR HEADS DURING ISRAEL'S NATIONAL ANTHEM
17:18AND WORE BLACK ARMBANDS
17:20I MEAN JUST DON'T PLAY
17:21IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THAT STATEMENT
17:23I THINK THEN THEY WOULDN'T QUALIFY
17:25SO THEY WOULD BE HURTING THEMSELVES
17:27OH RIGHT
17:28SO THE SPORT'S MORE IMPORTANT
17:29WELL WHO ELSE HAS GOT INTO HOT WATER OVER ISRAEL RECENTLY?
17:32ED SHERAN HAS BEEN PERFORMING IN AMERICA
17:35AND THE SUPPORT ACTS WERE DROPPED
17:37BECAUSE THEY HAD EXPRESSED PRO-PALESTINE VIEWS
17:41ED SHERAN SAID I AM NOT A POLITICAL PERSON
17:44I AM HERE SIMPLY TO ENTERTAIN
17:46I WILL CARRY ON SINGING
17:47BUT IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT
17:49THE DECISION WAS MADE BY THE PRODUCER
17:51WHO OWNED ALL THE STADIA
17:53IN WHICH HE WAS GOING TO APPEAR
17:55THAT'S WHAT HE SAID
17:56I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT ED SHERAN IS SAYING
17:58NOW
17:58IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE WHAT ED SHERAN IS SAYING
17:59WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR YOU?
18:03YOU COULD CANCEL THE TOUR
18:05HE IS NOT A POOR PERSON
18:06HE COULD SAY
18:07I WILL NOT BE DICTATED TO
18:09BY THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE STADION
18:10THE THING IS
18:11IS THAT
18:12THERE WERE MANY, MANY MORE TOUR DATES
18:14AND THE ONE PROMOTER
18:16WHO WANTED MCCLEMORE CANCELLED
18:17THAT WAS ONLY FOR A FEW OF THE TOUR DATES
18:19AND ED SHERAN CANCELLED MCCLEMORE
18:22FROM ALL OF THEM
18:23SO THERE'S NO WAY THAT ED SHERAN WASN'T A PART
18:25OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS IN MY EXPERIENCE
18:27OF BEING AN ARTIST TOURING AND SUCH
18:30SHOULD WE SEE A PICTURE OF MCCLEMORE
18:32SO WE KNOW WHO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?
18:33THERE HE IS IN A FORMER ROLE AS PAT BUTCHER
18:39ALSO THERE IS A SUPPORT SLOT GOING NOW, CHARLOTTE
18:42SO I'M ALL RIGHT, I WOULD NEVER.
18:45OK.
18:46I JUST THINK THAT
18:48WE'RE AT A POINT IN HUMAN EXISTENCE
18:50WHERE ANYBODY CAN BE APOLITICAL.
18:52I JUST DON'T THINK THAT YOU CAN GO,
18:53I'M JUST AN ENTERTAINER HERE.
18:55YEAH.
18:55THIS IS A BIT DISAPPOINTING,
18:56BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU TO SING AT MY FUNERAL.
19:01IS IT COMING SOON?
19:03IT COULD BE.
19:04I THINK NEXT WEDNESDAY CLEAR.
19:05NO.
19:07WELL, THIS IS THE NEWS OF
19:09MANCHESTER CITY'S DUBIOUS FINANCIAL DEALINGS.
19:12RUMOUR HAS IT THAT MANCITY COULD BE HIT
19:14WITH A MASSIVE 60-POINT DEDUCTION,
19:17WHICH WOULD LEAVE THEM ON MINUS 45 POINTS,
19:19JUST TWO POINTS ABOVE TOTNUM.
19:27FOLLOWING THE TENSE GAME AGAINST IRELAND,
19:30THE ISRAEL TEAM WERE AT LEAST ABLE TO RELAX
19:32ON THEIR FLIGHT HOME TO TEL AVIVE.
19:37FINGERS ON BUZZERS, TEAMS.
19:38HERE'S YOUR NEXT STORY.
19:46OH, YES!
19:48I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS.
19:50HE'S PORN AGAIN.
19:52IS MISS ENGLAND AND MISTER ENGLAND.
19:55THANK YOU.
19:56MISS ENGLAND HAS HAD THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE APPLYING,
19:59YOUNG WOMEN AGE BETWEEN 17 AND 25.
20:01MISTER ENGLAND IS ALSO LOOKING AT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE APPLYING.
20:10YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
20:11IS THAT THE GIST OF IT?
20:12IT'S MORE THAN THE GIST.
20:13YOU SEEM TERRIFYINGLY ACROSS THIS.
20:20I'M PROUD TO SAY...
20:25THIS IS THE WORRYING, NEARLY TERRIFYING NEWS THAT THE COUNTRY IS RUNNING OUT OF HUNKS.
20:30THEY MAY HAVE TO RESORT TO WHAT THEY HAD TO DO TWO YEARS AGO,
20:32WHICH WAS, WALK UP AND DOWN NEW KEY BEACH LOOKING FOR HANDS OF MEN.
20:37WELL, THAT'S NOT GOING TO END WELL.
20:39WELL, BEEN THERE, IT'S A DAY OUT.
20:43ANYONE HERE FANCY STEPPING UP FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY?
20:46QUEEN AND COUNTRY?
20:48DID YOU NOT HEAR THE NEWS?
20:51HAVE YOU SEEN A STAMP LATELY?
20:54ONE PERSON ORGANIZERS MIGHT HAVE THEIR EYE ON IS 73-YEAR-OLD SNACK, TONY BLAIR.
21:02AFTER YOU'VE PICTURED COMING OUT OF THE GYM RECENTLY LOOKING LIKE A HOT MESS.
21:07WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THOSE GUNS?
21:08I WENT TO HIS LAST DINNER AT CHEQUERS.
21:11WHAT, HIS DYING?
21:12I...
21:14SUCH A WEIRD INVITATION TO ACCEPT.
21:17DID YOU SING?
21:18I DIDN'T, NO.
21:19NO, I DIDN'T SING.
21:20OH.
21:21YEAH, WE JUST WENT AND HUNG OUT AND IT WAS DEEPLY BIZARRE.
21:24YEAH.
21:25WHAT WAS HANGING OUT?
21:26I GOT GIVEN A CRUCIFIX AT SOME POINT.
21:27YOU WERE GIVEN A CRUCIFIX?
21:28YEAH.
21:28DURING THE EXERCISM OR AFTER THE GYM RECENTLY?
21:37YEAH.
21:40DURING THE EXERCISM OR AFTER THE GYM RECENTLY?
21:58DURING THE EXERCISM THAT HE ALLEGES THE KING SAID AT THE TIME OF DIANA'S DEATH.
22:02THAT KING CHARLES WAS GIDDY WITH JOY AT THE NEWS.
22:06LIKE A LOTTERY WINNER.
22:07STRANGELY MATTER OF FACT, HE SAID IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
22:11I'M NOT SAYING A LOT OF THE BOOK DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, BUT IT DOESN'T.
22:15HAVE YOU READ IT ALREADY?
22:17YEAH, A SELF-SERVING BOLLOCK.
22:18IS IT?
22:20I'VE BEEN INTO THAT BOOKSHOP.
22:22YEAH.
22:24THERE'S NO STAFF THERE.
22:27WHAT WAS BUCKINGHAM PALACE'S RESPONSE TO THE ACCUSATIONS?
22:30IT WAS A VERSION OF RECOLLECTIONS MAY VARY,
22:33WHICH WAS A NOT VERY SUBTLE SUGGESTION THAT THE EARL HAD MADE IT UP.
22:38A SPOKESMAN FOR THE PALACE SAID,
22:40HIS MAJESTY IS MINDFUL THAT THE PAIN OF FRATERNAL GRIEF CAN CLOUD REASON,
22:44AFFECT JUDGMENT AND COLOR MEMORY IN WAYS OTHERS DO NOT RECOGNIZE.
22:49CAME A LONG WAY FROM THE FIRST DRAFT OF DEAR LYING TOSSER.
22:54HE'S NOT A RELIABLE NERATOR,
22:56AND THERE ARE A NUMBER OF INCIDENTS IN THE BOOK WHICH HE'S RECOUNTED
23:00WHICH TURN OUT NOT TO BE TRUE OR HE'S GOT THE DETAILS WRONG.
23:04I MEAN, CHARLES SPENCER SUED ME, SO, YOU KNOW,
23:06WE HAVE A FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIP.
23:09WHO WON?
23:10I'M AFRAID WE DID.
23:12THERE WAS A SUGGESTION THAT HE WAS MAKING MONEY OUT OF HELLO MAGAZINE
23:18AND IN NEGOTIATING TO BE PAID A LOT OF MONEY TO WRITE STORIES ABOUT HIMSELF
23:23AND HIS HOUSE AND, YOU KNOW, HIS FAMILY,
23:26AND HE SAID THIS WASN'T TRUE.
23:28AND THEN WE PRINTED THE INVOICES AND THE LETTER FROM HIM NEGOTIATING THE FEE.
23:37SO RECOLECTIONS MAY VARY.
23:41AND, INDEED, PIERS MORGAN HAS ENTERED THE FRAY
23:45BECAUSE THERE IS CLEARLY A MISTAKE.
23:47HE SAYS THAT PIERS MORGAN WAS EDITING A CERTAIN NEWSPAPER
23:49AT A TIME WHEN PICTURES APPEARED OF DIANA WHEN PIERS MORGAN WASN'T EDITING.
23:54IT WAS THE MIRROR.
23:54THAT'S TRUE.
23:55THAT DETAIL WAS WRONG.
23:56AND LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PICKED UP OTHER THINGS IN THERE.
23:58BUT THAT'S...
23:58IT'S SUCH A...
23:59IT'S A TECHNICALITY.
24:01DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
24:02YOU CAN'T SAY SOMEONE DID SOMETHING AT A CERTAIN DATE WHICH THEY DIDN'T DO
24:05BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T THERE AT THE TIME.
24:07YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T HEARD THE SONG SHAGGY.
24:09IT WASN'T ME.
24:12THAT'S VERY MUCH THE SPINE OF THAT NARRATIVE.
24:15PIERS MORGAN WAS EDITOR OF THE NEWS OF THE WORLD AND GOT INTO A GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE
24:21BECAUSE ONE OF HIS REPORTERS TOOK A LONG LENS PHOTOSHOT OF EARL SPENCER'S WIFE
24:25WHO WAS IN A CLINIC ILL.
24:27OH.
24:28YES.
24:29AND EVEN RUPERT MURDOCK THOUGHT THAT PIERS HAD GONE TOO FAR.
24:33SO FROM A VERY LONG TIME AGO, EARL SPENCER DOES NOT LIKE IT.
24:37AND PIERS DOES NOT LIKE EARL SPENCER.
24:41AND I DON'T LIKE EITHER OF THEM.
24:48I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT I AM A PATRON OF THE NATIONAL PIERS SOCIETY, WHICH PROTECTS OUR SEASIDE PIERS.
24:56AND THAT'S SUPPORTED FOR A LONG TIME TO COME.
25:00SO HE NEEDS TO GET HIMSELF DOWN TO THE BEACH AND HE'LL BE FINE.
25:04THERE'S ALWAYS A POSITIVE SIDE TO EVERY STORY.
25:07THERE CERTAINLY IS.
25:09TELL US ABOUT THE THIRD REIKE, GILES.
25:14IN OTHER RUAL NEWS, PRINCE HARRY RECENTLY COMPLETED A SKYDIVE TO HONOR A REQUEST FROM A 102-YEAR-OLD WORLD
25:20WAR II VETERAN.
25:21PRESUMEDLY THE REQUEST WAS,
25:23WHY DON'T YOU STOP MOANING AND THROW YOURSELF OUT OF A PLAY?
25:27TIME NOW FOR THE MISSING WORDS ROUND, WHICH THIS WEEK FEATURES AS ITS GUEST PUBLICATION,
25:32WIGGLY WIGGLERS, THE PUBLICATION FOR WORM LOVERS.
25:36AND WE START WITH EMBARRASSMENT AT ZOO AFTER WHAT?
25:40ANIMALS GIVEN EARLY RELEASE.
25:44EMBARRASSMENT AT ZOO AFTER SEBORES DISCOVERED TO BE DONKEYS WEARING STRIPE PAJAMAS.
25:49EMBARRASSMENT AT ZOO AFTER TICKETS ADVERTISED FOR CHILD PREDATOR TOURS.
25:56THE ERROR WAS MADE BY CHESTER ZOO.
25:58HERE'S WHAT APPEARED ON THEIR WEBSITE SELLING TICKETS FOR THE TOUR.
26:07YEAH, IT'S THE MOST EMBARRASSING BLUNDER MADE IN CHESTER SINCE 1992,
26:10WHEN THEY ELECTED GILES BRANDIRITH AS THEIR MP.
26:14THEY ALL GOT IT.
26:16NEXT.
26:16AN EARTHWORM WOULD DO A BETTER JOB OF WHAT THAN WHAT?
26:20AN EARTHWORM COULD DO A BETTER JOB OF HOSTING HAVOGOT NEWS FOR YOU...
26:22NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
26:23YEAH, YEAH.
26:24A BETTER JOB OF AREATING YOUR GRASS.
26:27YES.
26:28AN EARTHWORM COULD DO A BETTER JOB OF IMPROVING YOUR SOIL THAN ANY MACHINE.
26:33I'M CLEVERER THAN I THOUGHT.
26:37THIS IS FROM WIGGLY WIGGLERS WHO, INSPIRED BY THE HUMBLE EARTHWORM,
26:41HAVE JUST ANNOUNCED THEIR NEW SOIL AND SENSE RANGE,
26:43WHICH INCLUDES COMPOST CULTURE AND SEPTIC SYSTEM BIOLOGY.
26:48COINCIDENTLY, TWO OF THE SCENTED CANDLES AND GYNNETH PALTROW'S NEW RANGE.
26:53THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
26:53FINALLY, RECORD TURNOUT AT GATHERING OF MEN WITH WHAT?
26:57EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
26:58OH.
27:00RECORD TURNOUT AT GATHERING OF MEN WITH WIGGLY WIGGLERS.
27:05RECORD TURNOUT AT GATHERING OF MEN WITH MASSIVE MARROES.
27:10THIS IS THE HEAVIEST MARRO COMPETITION AT STUBTON VILLAGE HALL IN LINCOLNSHIRE.
27:15HERE ARE THE ENTRANCE.
27:16OH.
27:17EITHER THAT OR IT'S ONE HELL OF A QUEUE AT THE LOCAL STD CLINIC.
27:25RECORD TURNOUT AT GATHERING OF MEN.
27:25SO, THE FINAL SCORES ARE IAN AND CHARLOTTE HAVE THREE.
27:28COURL AND GILES HAVE SIX.
27:30RRRRGH!
27:31APPLAUSE
27:36BUT BEFORE WE GO, IT'S JUST TIME FOR THE CAPTION COMPETITION.
27:39EXCUSE ME, SIR.
27:40IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE BUGGERED BY A BEAR, CAN YOU DO IT ON THE PAVEMENT?
27:44I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, SIR.
27:46I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.
27:48THE POLICEMAN SAYS, HE SAYS, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
27:50AND THE BEAR SAYS, I WON HIM IN A RAFFLE.
27:55ON WHICH NOTE, WE SAY THANK YOU TO OUR PANELISTS, IAN HISLOP AND CHARLOTTE CHURCH.
27:58PAUL MERSEN AND GILES BRANDROUGH.
28:00AND I LEAVE YOU WITH NEWS THAT CLARENCE HOUSE DENIES THERE ARE TOO MANY SYCOPHANS
28:04IN THE RORAL ENTOURAGE AFTER KING CHARLES DROPS A CONTACT LENSE.
28:11IN EDINBORH, THE COUNCIL LAUNCHES AN EXPENSIVE NEW INITIATIVE TO POLISH THE CITY'S BANISTERS.
28:20AND ON HOLIDAY IN THE MALDIVES, MICHAEL GOVE TESS OUT THE SELFIE FUNCTION
28:24ON HIS NEW UNDERWATER CAMERA.
28:30GOOD NIGHT.
28:32GOOD NIGHT.
29:00GOOD NIGHT.
29:02GOOD NIGHT.
29:03GOOD NIGHT.
29:05GUYS DRIGGERAM THE REACH.
29:06üç