In his final stand-up special, George Lopez reflects on aging, Latino family dynamics, and cultural quirks.
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00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
00:28the legendary El Mastig贸n, my dad, George Lopez!
00:58The legendary El Mastig贸n, my dad, George Lopez!
01:17The legendary El Mastig贸n, my dad, George Lopez!
01:28Welcome to the Dolby. Welcome to the show.
01:32Thank you, everybody, for being here.
01:37They said, what are you gonna call a special?
01:39I said, let me think of a good fucking name, eh?
01:43Freak-offs.
01:49Pero mejor no.
01:53Fuck it. Freak-ching-off, freak-off.
01:54Try to explain that shit to Latinos.
01:56驴Qu茅 pas贸? 驴C贸mo se llama el otro?
01:59Jiffy?
02:02Diddy.
02:03驴Qu茅 estaba haciendo culiendo?
02:05Fuck, everybody was there on the fucking boys.
02:08Shh, shh, shh.
02:10Who was there?
02:10Fuckin' Jay-Z.
02:12El Negrito.
02:13Fuckin'.
02:15Who else?
02:16The Kardashians.
02:17No, ellas son putas, la cabrona.
02:19Of course.
02:20Whatever people are fucking, they're gonna be there.
02:26Thank you so much for coming to the show.
02:28It's, uh...
02:33You know, it's funny to get older because somebody...
02:36I don't know if it's a compliment, but I don't think so.
02:41Somebody...
02:43Somebody said to me, hey, uh...
02:45Has anybody ever told you you look like an old George Lopez?
02:56I said, fuck yeah, I fuckin' feel like a fuckin' old George Lopez.
03:00When I was young, I'd be in the fuckin' body.
03:03Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
03:05And now, pinche viejo.
03:09Go on without me.
03:13I'll meet you guys in Cancun.
03:17Probably need to eat.
03:21And you know, Latinos, when they get older, you know, we don't wanna go to the doctor.
03:24So if you say, like, hey, man.
03:26You fuckin' look old.
03:27And then you try to prove that you don't need to go to the doctor.
03:29Hey.
03:30If I was fuckin' old, would I be able to do this?
03:32Watch out.
03:38All right.
03:38But tomorrow, if you stop breathing, we're gonna take you to the fuckin' hamburger.
03:45It's fucked up to get old, you know.
03:47Because when you're young, you can run.
03:49You look good.
03:50A car's passing.
03:51They let you pass.
03:52You're like...
03:55You're fuckin' viejo.
03:56I run like I fuckin' found gold.
04:05That's why all fuckin' Latinos always say, how far is it?
04:08There's no miles, just a sound.
04:11In Bakersfield, ooh.
04:15No.
04:16I don't have enough gas for ooh.
04:19I can make it over there, but I'm not gonna make it back.
04:24Man, I didn't know it was gonna look like this.
04:26I wish I had a fuckin' choice.
04:29Chinga, that's why some people ask me, how come you don't have your own tequila brand?
04:33I said, I think they can see the fuckin' destruction.
04:44I'm gonna be right back in the baptism.
04:46Hang on.
04:51Anybody wanna look like this, all fuckin' dressed up?
04:53No.
04:55Mejor no.
04:56I'd rather just fuckin' be natural.
04:59You know, it's fucked up.
05:00I was in the casino, and I heard this guy say...
05:04Cause I'm not, haven't been old that long, so I can still hear.
05:11I heard this guy say...
05:14Go ask that old Mexican lady what time it is.
05:21You don't know what time it is?
05:24They probably saw me from behind looking.
05:26Ah, ahorita I don't know.
05:30I just got my hair down, ahorita I don't know.
05:34I'm waiting for them to pick me up.
05:36I'm waiting for Raymond to pick me up.
05:44I'm waiting for Raymond to pick me up.
05:46Fuck.
05:48That's fucked up.
05:51And I'm not gonna cut my hair because, you know, so many, so many men lose their hair.
05:59I thought it'd be fucked up if I cut mine.
06:04I think to me this is having like big chichis, you know, you're like...
06:09Fuck.
06:11My eyes are over here.
06:12Fuck.
06:15Didn't you ever have hair like a fuckin' lady, you know?
06:20So I lost, uh...
06:23I lost 40 pounds.
06:32You know, only the white people ask, how did you...
06:37Did you go on a meal program?
06:40Did you deliver, did you cut carbs?
06:43I lost it the old-fashioned way.
06:56I've been walking for three fuckin' days.
07:03You passed your house.
07:11You know, when you're young, you know, they go, hey, go like that.
07:14You know, you got a little fuck.
07:15I'm like...
07:19When you're a fuckin' vehicle, you got a fuckin' moco, hey, go like that.
07:22Oh.
07:25Why you rubbin' a moco in your fuckin' gums?
07:29Cause I didn't know there was a moco till right now when I tasted it.
07:38That's why I think, you know, so many old people are on drugs.
07:44But all of them, you know, they don't really help you.
07:47They may lower your blood pressure.
07:49But none of...
07:49But none of them make you wanna fuckin' do shit.
07:54That's why I think they should make, like...
07:56Cocaine for viejitos, like...
08:01Blosampic.
08:05Like, not all the way strong, like...
08:08Like when you're young, but just, you know, enough to get you...
08:11Tia, no vas ah铆 to the...
08:13You're not gonna go to church?
08:14No.
08:15I'm tired.
08:19Yeah, I'll go.
08:21V谩monos.
08:24I'll go.
08:29Tia, we're outside.
08:30Shut up.
08:32Just, you know...
08:35Enough to get you to church,
08:38Breakfast,
08:40Go see a friend,
08:42And then home.
08:44Ay...
08:46I did enough already, no?
08:50No, I don't wanna go.
08:52they're gonna bring me some more
08:57that'd be fucked up if you see your grandma
08:59while you're driving home
09:00it's at night and you see your grandma in the street
09:05grandma
09:10what the fuck
09:11what's the matter
09:12nothing
09:16nothing
09:19where's your cane
09:21my fucking pimp took it
09:25he didn't want me taking off
09:28what the fuck are you doing
09:31no care I was gonna put on a wheelchair
09:32because I need
09:34I need a little bit
09:36and then I'll be good
09:37I think only Latino families are the ones
09:41that could end up
09:43with a full-size hospital bed
09:47in the living room
09:49you ever have viejos that get old
09:52you can't afford a nursing home
09:54or round-the-clock nurses
09:59when you're fucking 11
10:00hey take care of your grandpa
10:03full fucking hospital bed
10:05in the living room
10:07hey
10:11he overhears every conversation
10:15we're gonna go to the party after church
10:17you hear the fucking bed come up
10:27you haven't been out of the house in 10 years
10:36that's why you have to enjoy yourself
10:39even when you're young every day
10:41because you can fucking get old
10:47a la volada
10:49fuck
10:51I'm fucking new at being old
10:52so I don't really totally get it yet
10:56but when you get old
10:57you won't be able to see shit
10:58with your mouth closed
11:01you go look
11:02you go
11:05I can't see the fucking sign
11:09open your mouth
11:14now I can see
11:18they have all that
11:20I can't see
11:24open your fucking mouth
11:25oh yeah
11:28now I can see
11:29man
11:31fucking get old
11:32you know
11:33you know how old I am
11:35I went to
11:35try to go adopt a cat
11:37I never had a cat
11:39so I went to go
11:40try to adopt
11:41a kitten
11:44and
11:44I can see the ladies talking
11:46and they came back
11:47and
11:49the fucking ladies told me no
11:57we reviewed your paperwork
11:59and we just agreed that
12:03I said
12:03what the fuck
12:06well who's going to take care of it
12:07when you die
12:15and then the other lady said
12:16in three years
12:21they're going to find you
12:22with a fucking cat
12:23eating your fucking face
12:24in the middle of that
12:25I said
12:26all right
12:26you know what
12:26you could have just said no
12:27fuck it
12:29just tell me no
12:30don't tell me all the fucking shit
12:31that's wrong with me
12:34ching down
12:34fucking old
12:35and then you get old
12:37then
12:37women stay sexual
12:39their whole lives
12:41cochinas
12:45all horny
12:46you know
12:46fucking viejas
12:48they're all old
12:49I want you inside me
12:52get that fucking
12:53and put it inside me
12:56you're all full fucking scared
13:04put that dick inside me
13:11I'm gonna stay out here
13:18I've been in there
13:19I don't wanna go in there
13:25but when you're young
13:28you're driving
13:29you wanna get your dick sucked
13:30when you're driving
13:32you're driving
13:33fucking leg out the window
13:34fucking
13:35honking the horn
13:36look out
13:42fucking just leaning on the horn
13:45that's you
13:46pick your head up a little bit
13:56and then you're older
13:58and she wants it
13:59and you're like
13:59I'm so fucking tired at home
14:03let me suck it
14:08I don't think that's
14:09gonna happen
14:11I didn't take a shower
14:15I'll fucking clean it
14:16with my mouth
14:19bring it over here
14:21I'll clean it
14:22with my mouth
14:23tonight look
14:24I can smell it from here
14:25but bring it
14:28I'll clean it
14:29bring it
14:31you're all fucking scared
14:34if you do that
14:35my next call
14:36will be to the center
14:37of disease control
14:40no means no
14:44fuck
14:44because it's too hard to
14:46keep everything clean
14:48yeah
14:48you know
14:49at night
14:50they grab your window
14:51and you're fucking like
14:52hey
14:53and then you're like
14:54smile your hand
15:00I told you
15:02I tried to
15:03give you the trigger warning
15:04don't fucking touch me
15:06you're not gonna like it
15:07and now what
15:11but when you're young
15:12nobody smells
15:12everybody's
15:14fresh
15:17you know
15:18you go on a date
15:18you're putting mano
15:19with a girl
15:20you know
15:21you're driving home
15:29fucking pass your house
15:31fucking
15:37only dudes
15:39only dudes
15:40can do that
15:41there's not a woman
15:42that's jacking some dude off
15:44and on the way home
15:46she's like
15:50fucking roll
15:53fucking get it off
15:56get it off
15:58fucking under my nail
15:59get it off
16:02you look at your frisk
16:03fuck you
16:03don't fucking touch me
16:04with that shit
16:06fucking will it fail
16:07fucking told you
16:10it's way different now
16:12I mean
16:12you know
16:13when we were growing up
16:14their house had hair
16:19now nothing
16:22now you can see it
16:29it looks mad
16:37why does it look
16:38why does it look like
16:39it's following me
16:41like a painting with eyes
16:45and then in our day
16:46we actually have hair
16:47you know
16:47you put it in your hand
16:50not anywhere near
16:53right there
16:55I don't feel nothing
16:58that's all trapped
16:58in the hair
17:02I'm gonna cut it out
17:03like a dolphin
17:04in the net
17:06you better not
17:07cut it out
17:09fucking my ring
17:09is in there
17:12that's why I think
17:13if you've been married
17:1330 years or more
17:16God bless you
17:19but I don't think
17:20you should make
17:20your wife suck
17:21your dick anymore
17:22yeah
17:25she's put her time in
17:28you know
17:29you had a lot
17:29of fucking years
17:30to get it sucked
17:31you know
17:35you can suck it hard
17:36bullshit
17:37fuck you
17:3835 years
17:39just thank her
17:40thank you for your service
17:47no you don't have to anymore
17:48yeah
17:48se acabo
17:51thank you for
17:52at ease
17:52no
17:57in the old days
17:58you'd just be like that
17:59you know
17:59trying to get all your friends
18:00to smell it
18:01you know
18:02I don't smell nothing
18:05did you get her phone number
18:06fuck that fuck
18:07I got DNA
18:07I thought I'll find her
18:11I'll find when her relatives
18:12came to America too
18:13I'll find all that
18:13fucking shit
18:16it's different now
18:17you know
18:19and then your kids
18:20are all
18:20you know
18:20if you have kids
18:21they're not like us
18:22when we grew up
18:23you know
18:24fucking pussies
18:25fuck
18:25everybody wants them
18:29nobody wanted us
18:31they'd be bitching
18:32about putting you
18:33in the car seat
18:33I have to fuck it
18:34you want me to put them
18:35in the car seat
18:37he's an accident
18:40but I gotta worry
18:41about him being
18:42in an accident
18:45fuck that
18:48all that shit
18:49that
18:49you know
18:50in school
18:51like all the kids now
18:53are supposed to be
18:54a little bit smart
18:55like they don't let you
18:55be
18:56a pendejo
18:57you know
18:57like
18:59all of us
19:00some of us
19:00you know
19:01weren't that smart
19:03that was alright
19:05you know
19:06those are the ones
19:06they would pin
19:07the notes
19:07on your back
19:10so you couldn't
19:11touch it
19:11you know
19:12on the way home
19:13you know
19:14and now all the kids
19:15you know
19:16have to be entertained
19:17you know
19:17they can't
19:18they can't entertain
19:19themselves
19:20you have to be
19:21responsible
19:22for their entertainment
19:24you know
19:25there's a fucking
19:26million things to do
19:27and they're bored
19:28you know
19:30they come over to you
19:30with a stupid ass face
19:37what's the matter
19:37with you
19:39I'm bored
19:42well
19:43jack off
19:43that's what I used to do
19:46that's what I used to do
19:46when I was bored
19:48fucking get it right there
19:50and
19:51turn your head
19:51to the left
19:52he's
19:52and then
20:00they'll find you
20:01right there
20:01on the outside
20:05you know
20:07all that shit
20:08is crazy man
20:09you know
20:09I thought when I saw
20:11like
20:11gender reveal
20:13you know
20:13that
20:15that was pretty
20:16fucking crazy
20:17you know
20:17people fucking
20:17burn their house down
20:20fucking hit each other
20:21with bats
20:23fucking blow shit up
20:24a fucking car
20:25hits them
20:25they're in the street
20:27what color was the
20:28fucking car
20:29they hit me
20:29pink or blue
20:32I still don't know
20:33what the baby's gonna be
20:34don't fucking
20:38that's why
20:38you know
20:39when people have kids
20:40they know
20:41you know
20:41so
20:41a lot of times
20:42you know
20:43they read to the kid
20:44in the womb
20:45so they're already
20:46learning
20:47before they're even
20:50outside
20:50before they're even
20:51born
20:52the parents read to them
20:54if you're a fucking
20:55latino kid
20:55and you're like
20:56who the fuck
20:56who the fuck
20:59is out there
20:59talking
21:01trying to
21:02fucking sleep
21:03they fucking
21:03keep
21:05every night
21:05they're fucking
21:06talking to me
21:06at the same
21:07fucking time
21:14I'll talk to you
21:15when I get out
21:20they say
21:21if you read to a kid
21:21that you can
21:22you know
21:23start to educate
21:23them before
21:24fucking latino dudes
21:25are like
21:26I don't know
21:26you know
21:28I'm gonna wait
21:29to find out
21:29if it's mine
21:30before
21:34I'm not reading
21:34to any fucking
21:35kid that might
21:36not be mine
21:38bring him over here
21:38let me see him
21:40he better get
21:40darker on the
21:41fucking way
21:41over here
21:42bring him over
21:43he don't look
21:44like me
21:44bring that
21:45motherfucker over here
21:47all that shit
21:48you know
21:48all the shit
21:49that's like
21:50cultural to us
21:50like gender reveal
21:51is one thing
21:53you know
21:54fucking latinos
21:55took it to another level
21:57we do
21:58the parent reveal
22:07they take you
22:08to the park
22:11what are we doing here
22:19you see that man
22:19right there
22:22which one
22:23that one right there
22:25yeah
22:29that's your dad
22:37daddy
22:41he fucking doesn't
22:42know
22:44I wanted you
22:45to see him
22:46first
22:47and tell us
22:48what you want
22:48to do
22:49we'll fuck him
22:49up
22:49or
22:51you can say
22:52hi
22:52whatever
22:52whichever one
22:53you want
22:54let me think
22:58I grew up
22:58without my father
22:59I didn't know
23:01I didn't know
23:01my father
23:02ever
23:02you know
23:03can you imagine
23:03missing out on this
23:09so yeah
23:10I had good friends
23:11growing up though
23:11and we played
23:12all the fucking games
23:13that kids played
23:13you know
23:14fucking
23:14nobody
23:14nobody plays
23:15that shit
23:15now
23:15hide and seek
23:19fucking hide and seek
23:20we'd be fucking
23:20running all over the place
23:21the only way
23:22you win
23:24is nobody
23:25can find you
23:27so everybody
23:28comes out
23:29and you're the one
23:29they can't find
23:30you're all fucking
23:31over there
23:31behind the garage
23:33all your fucking
23:34friends have left
23:38you come out
23:39like three hours
23:39later
23:40I won
23:45it's all fucking
23:46dark
23:49fuck up
23:50all that shit
23:50that we used to play
23:52you know how stupid
23:53we were
23:53we used to look
23:54in the sun
23:56that was a game
23:57for us
23:58fucking no toys
23:59and all your friends
24:00in the middle
24:01of the street
24:04fucking middle
24:05of the summer
24:05fucking
24:07that fucking
24:08cornea
24:09running down
24:09your face
24:11I win
24:12fucking
24:13see dots
24:15fucking cars
24:16coming down
24:17the street
24:17fucking walking
24:20all fucking
24:21like
24:22somebody
24:23hey
24:23somebody
24:24want to go
24:24get Joe Biden
24:25out of the street
24:33fucking Joe Biden
24:34ching out
24:36that motherfucker
24:37got old
24:39he was all right
24:41and then one day
24:46fucking
24:47burnt up
24:55hey Joe
24:56hey
24:59fellow Americans
25:00do I have something
25:03right here
25:05some water
25:07fucking Joe man
25:10if that's what it's
25:11like to get
25:11oh fuck that
25:14fuck he's walking
25:16ching out
25:17you see him
25:18walk on grass
25:19he'll
25:19he'll walk
25:21in whatever direction
25:23that grass is cut
25:43fucking
25:44got old
25:47he fucking
25:47walks like
25:48he's doing
25:48Tai Chi
25:49fuck off
26:01fuck
26:01hey you know what
26:03let's just fucking
26:04tell him he won
26:06and he'll be happy
26:07at home
26:08no
26:10fuck
26:11hey listen
26:11this is the
26:13greatest country
26:14to live in
26:14no matter what
26:18and fucking
26:19Latinos belong
26:20in this country
26:21just like
26:21anybody else
26:26fucking trying
26:27to get rid of us
26:28motherfucker
26:31most of us
26:31haven't even
26:32fucking been
26:32to Mexico
26:37if you send us
26:38to Mexico
26:38you'll be like
26:38fuck
26:41what the fuck
26:42dude
26:42this is it
26:45fucking
26:46no fucking
26:46screens on the
26:47window
26:49fucking
26:50salt in the
26:51corona bottle
26:51fuck
26:53fucking
26:54toothpicks
26:54fucking
26:55radish
26:55what the fuck
26:56that was
26:56supposed to do
26:57with this
26:58hey
26:59I've been to
26:59Mexico
27:00ain't no place
27:01for a Mexican
27:04fucking tell you
27:05that much
27:10I went to Mexico
27:11and drank water
27:11when I was 10
27:20I should have
27:21seen everybody
27:21else's teeth
27:22were all
27:22fucking brown
27:26and you guys
27:27brush your teeth
27:27and you look
27:28like that
27:30fucking Mexico
27:31ching out
27:33and you know
27:34we have accents
27:34and we've never
27:35been to Mexico
27:36but you know
27:37we have relatives
27:38in Mexico
27:38so it's important
27:39that you know
27:40we stay true
27:41to our culture
27:43because
27:44the people
27:45that come
27:45from other
27:46countries
27:46and come
27:47to America
27:48work way
27:49harder
27:49than anybody
27:51who's born
27:52here
27:52you see a
27:57Chicano janitor
27:58that motherfucker
27:59he's not even
27:59working
28:07he's a fucking
28:08boss
28:13yeah
28:13they
28:14all that shit
28:15that people
28:15have
28:16you know
28:17I think
28:18we had
28:18anxiety too
28:19but
28:22fucking
28:22Nerevios
28:23were their
28:23fucking nerves
28:25they didn't
28:25have a name
28:26like anxiety
28:27but all of us
28:28are a fucking
28:29Nerevios
28:29so they fucking
28:29instead of
28:31medicine or
28:32therapy
28:32they give you
28:32fucking water
28:33with sugar
28:33here
28:35you'll stop
28:36shaking right now
28:39they're fucked
28:39up in the head
28:42now all the
28:42kids
28:43fucking
28:43they all
28:43have fucking
28:44shit wrong
28:44with them
28:45my grandmother
28:46would see a little
28:47two-year-old kid
28:47with glasses
28:49in the market
28:49my grandmother
28:50would go
28:50George
28:55fucking
28:56faker
28:56huh
28:58he's fucking
28:59two years old
28:59he ain't seen
29:00shit
29:03I'll take his
29:03fucking glasses
29:04we'll see if he
29:04can fucking
29:05see right now
29:08not us
29:09all the shit
29:10we had
29:11we had
29:12now now
29:12you can
29:13you can test
29:14to see
29:15if a baby
29:16has anything
29:16wrong with it
29:18you know
29:18before it's
29:19born
29:20you go in
29:21to the doctor
29:21yes we took
29:22the
29:23took the test
29:24and we found
29:24something that
29:25I think you
29:26should know
29:27what the parents
29:28holding hands
29:29oh god
29:33the baby's
29:34gonna be
29:34left-handed
29:39I'll leave you
29:40guys alone
29:41so you can
29:41think about
29:41it
29:45fucking us
29:45fucking
29:46ear bent
29:48one nostril
29:49fucking bigger
29:50than the other
29:52fucking eye
29:53one eye
29:53open
29:53one eye
29:54closed
29:56nobody gives
29:56a fuck
29:57about you
29:57growing up
29:58and then
29:59one day
29:59they see
30:00you
30:04come here
30:06look at me
30:10I never
30:10fucking
30:11noticed
30:16hey
30:18he don't have
30:19fucking eyelids
30:22eyelids
30:22you don't have
30:23eyelids
30:23you don't have
30:28you're like
30:28that all the
30:29time
30:34it don't hurt
30:37fucking go play
30:38I don't know
30:40he's already
30:41five
30:41all that
30:45bullshit
30:45that
30:46you know
30:47now all the
30:48all the kids
30:48a lot of them
30:49you know
30:49commit crimes
30:50like
30:50you know
30:51they shoot
30:52schools up
30:52and
30:53they shoot
30:54their fucking
30:55friends
30:55all that
30:55bullshit
30:56and the
30:57parents
30:57I had no
31:00we had no
31:01idea
31:03not our
31:04parents
31:04they'll
31:04fucking
31:05catch you
31:05before
31:07they'll see
31:07you walking
31:08by
31:08hey
31:09come over
31:09here
31:11look at
31:12me
31:14look at
31:14my face
31:17I don't
31:18know what
31:18the fuck
31:18you're planning
31:21I'm not
31:22gonna do
31:22nothing
31:22that's right
31:23you're not
31:23gonna fucking
31:24do nothing
31:25you and your
31:26friend
31:26get up
31:27go outside
31:27come over
31:27here
31:28look at
31:29me
31:34whatever the
31:35fuck
31:36you're planning
31:37on doing
31:38I'm gonna tell
31:39you right now
31:40whatever you
31:41do
31:42I'm gonna
31:43fucking do
31:44ten times
31:47fucking
31:47worse to
31:48you
31:50so go
31:51do it
31:52whatever
31:53the fuck
31:53you're gonna
31:54do
31:54go do
31:54it
31:55but know
31:55that when
31:55I see
31:56you
31:57I'm gonna
31:58fuck you
31:59up ten
31:59times
31:59worse
32:02fucking
32:03kid
32:11my grandmother
32:12would fucking
32:12yell some
32:13wild shit
32:14at me
32:16like she
32:16would say
32:17don't leave
32:18don't leave
32:19cucarachas
32:20on my
32:20towel
32:28what
32:31don't leave
32:32cucarachas
32:34on my
32:34towel
32:36I guess
32:37when you
32:37take a
32:38shower
32:39you don't
32:39clean your
32:40ass all
32:40the way
32:42and with
32:43the towel
32:44if you
32:44wipe your
32:44ass
32:45it leaves
32:46like a
32:46little smudge
32:47like that
32:51cucarachas
32:54I had
32:55no
32:55fucking
32:56idea
32:57you know
32:58sometimes
32:58you forget
32:58you put it
32:59in there
32:59inside
33:00you're like
33:01oh
33:03fucking
33:03cucarachas
33:06and then
33:06if you
33:07fucking get
33:07dressed on
33:08the bed
33:08and you
33:08don't clean
33:08yourself
33:09out
33:09the fuck
33:09fuck
33:10cucarachas
33:11on my
33:11fucking
33:12sheets
33:13he left
33:14fucking
33:14cucarachas
33:15three of
33:15them
33:15he can't
33:16see
33:19the
33:19shit
33:20they yell
33:20at you
33:20what
33:20the
33:21fuck
33:22it's
33:23crazy
33:23all that
33:24shit
33:24that they
33:24yelled
33:24at us
33:25and you
33:25know
33:25what
33:26you think
33:26that
33:26with
33:26weed
33:27being
33:28legal
33:29in
33:29California
33:31you
33:32think
33:32that
33:32people
33:33would
33:33fucking
33:33be
33:33fucking
33:34chill
33:37fucking
33:37drinking
33:37let me
33:38tell you
33:38something
33:38drink
33:38I drank
33:39a long
33:39time
33:39drinking
33:41does
33:41no
33:42good
33:42you
33:42fucking
33:42drive
33:43you
33:44don't
33:44remember
33:46you
33:46fucking
33:47hit
33:47shit
33:47you
33:48fucking
33:49get
33:49pulled
33:49over
33:50you
33:50don't
33:50fucking
33:50leave
33:51you
33:51driving
33:51in the
33:51middle
33:51of
33:51night
33:51with
33:52no
33:52headlights
33:52on
33:53people
33:54are
33:54fucking
33:54flashing
33:55you
33:55I
33:57thought
33:58about
33:58also
33:59fucking
33:59here
34:01fuck
34:04but
34:04with
34:05weed
34:05yeah
34:05fucking
34:06fuck
34:07you
34:08behind
34:08the
34:08wheel
34:16I
34:16think
34:17we're
34:17here
34:20fuck
34:20yeah
34:20we're
34:20here
34:21wow
34:23that was
34:23fast
34:26we got
34:26here
34:26fast
34:27fuck
34:28you
34:29drive
34:29when you're
34:29high
34:29you don't
34:30even need
34:30to be
34:30fucking
34:31moving
34:31you
34:31just
34:31all
34:32make
34:32the
34:32noises
34:33like
34:33you're
34:33in
34:33a car
34:38wait
34:39for
34:39me
34:39I
34:39get
34:40in
34:42fucking
34:42weed
34:43is
34:44the
34:44shit
34:45we
34:46knew
34:46we
34:46knew
34:46it
34:49we
34:49knew
34:49it
34:49forever
34:50all our
34:50grandmothers
34:51had
34:51weed
34:51that
34:52they
34:52would
34:52put
34:52in
34:52the
34:52alcohol
34:53bottle
34:55all of
34:56them
34:56they
34:56used
34:56it
34:56for
34:56their
34:57pains
34:58oh
35:04fucking
35:05high
35:11and
35:17water
35:18I
35:18don't
35:18want
35:18to
35:18drink
35:18soda
35:21weed
35:22is
35:22the
35:22shit
35:23it
35:23takes
35:23care
35:23of
35:23your
35:23anxiety
35:25it
35:25takes
35:25care
35:26of
35:26your
35:26pains
35:26when
35:26you
35:27get
35:27older
35:28and
35:28it's
35:29just
35:29good
35:30to
35:30be
35:30fucked
35:30up
35:34but
35:34it's
35:35weed
35:35it's
35:35weed
35:36that
35:36can
35:36help
35:36you
35:37study
35:37I
35:37can't
35:37believe
35:37that
35:39because
35:39the
35:39shit
35:40that
35:41we
35:41smoked
35:41made
35:42you
35:42George
35:53now
35:53it
35:54makes
35:54you
35:54smart
35:55but
35:56before
35:56us
35:57you know
35:58in school
35:59nobody
35:59knew
36:00the fuck
36:00could
36:01test
36:01I
36:01don't
36:02know
36:04I
36:04thought
36:04fucking
36:05SAT
36:05was
36:05Saturday
36:06fuck
36:08they're
36:08gonna
36:08make
36:09us
36:09come
36:09Saturday
36:14so
36:15there
36:15was
36:15a
36:15dude
36:15in
36:16Florida
36:17that
36:18had
36:18the
36:19list
36:19of
36:19100
36:19people
36:20that
36:20he
36:21wanted
36:21to
36:22kill
36:22like
36:22blow
36:22up
36:23he
36:23would
36:23send
36:24pipe
36:24bombs
36:25to
36:25the
36:26people
36:26on
36:26this
36:26list
36:27and
36:27guess
36:27who
36:27was
36:28on
36:28the
36:28list
36:36only
36:36only
36:36a
36:36fucking
36:37Chicano
36:37would
36:37be
36:37happy
36:39they
36:39want
36:40to
36:40blow
36:40you
36:40up
36:40fuck
36:41yeah
36:41huh
36:42who
36:43else
36:43anybody
36:43else
36:44that's
36:45Latino
36:45no
36:46so
36:46the
36:47FBI
36:48and
36:49all the
36:49police
36:50departments
36:50you know
36:51they
36:51got me
36:52on the
36:52phone
36:52and
36:53they
36:53said
36:53there's
36:54a guy
36:54in
36:54Florida
36:55who
36:56has
36:57a list
36:57of
36:57100
36:57people
36:58your
36:58name
36:58is
36:58on
36:58the
36:58list
36:59and
37:00he
37:00might
37:00be
37:00sending
37:01you
37:01a
37:01pipe
37:01bomb
37:01in
37:02the
37:03mail
37:03so
37:04the
37:04only
37:04thing
37:04they
37:04told
37:05me
37:05is
37:06don't
37:06open
37:06any
37:07suspicious
37:07packages
37:10and
37:10then
37:10they
37:10all
37:10hung
37:11up
37:11wait a
37:11minute
37:15but
37:16you
37:16know
37:18sometimes
37:19when
37:20they
37:20drop
37:20food
37:20off
37:21at
37:21your
37:21house
37:23unos
37:24tamales
37:25you know
37:26a dozen
37:26tamales
37:27in
37:27foil
37:30could
37:31be
37:31C4
37:34could
37:34be
37:34dynamite
37:36could
37:37be
37:37some
37:37bomb
37:37ass
37:38green
37:38chicken
37:38tamales
37:40you
37:41can't
37:41throw
37:41that
37:42shit
37:42away
37:42you'll
37:42get
37:42killed
37:45they
37:45might
37:45be
37:45a
37:46container
37:46of
37:47I
37:47can't
37:48believe
37:48it's
37:48not
37:48butter
37:50and
37:51you're
37:51looking
37:51at
37:51it
37:52fuck
37:54that
37:55could
37:55be
37:55a
37:55fucking
37:56bomb
37:57or
37:58fideo
38:02I'm
38:03gonna
38:03fucking
38:03take
38:03the
38:03chance
38:04fuck
38:05it
38:06come
38:07out
38:07you
38:07threw
38:07that
38:08shit
38:08away
38:08I'm
38:08gonna
38:08fucking
38:09kill
38:09it
38:09next
38:09time
38:11but
38:11you
38:11know
38:11nobody
38:12understands
38:13our
38:13culture
38:14you
38:15know
38:15it's
38:15very
38:15different
38:16to
38:16be
38:16Latino
38:16I
38:16think
38:17you
38:17know
38:17because
38:17you
38:18know
38:18women
38:19are
38:19very
38:19jealous
38:20men
38:20are
38:20jealous
38:20because
38:21and I'll
38:21tell you
38:22I think
38:22because
38:22we believe
38:24different
38:24shit
38:25like
38:25we believe
38:26that
38:27in Mexico
38:28there's a
38:29statue
38:29in Mexico
38:31city
38:31that
38:32the
38:32Vicente
38:32Guadalupe
38:34cries
38:34tears
38:35of blood
38:36like
38:37we believe
38:38that
38:39but we
38:40won't
38:40believe
38:40that
38:41you
38:42and the
38:43girl
38:43from work
38:43are
38:44friends
38:51the
38:52statue
38:52yes
38:53the
38:54girl
38:54fuck
38:55you
38:55I
38:57saw
38:58you
38:59you
39:00saw
39:00me
39:00I
39:00saw
39:01you
39:01fucking
39:01her
39:03where
39:04in a
39:04fucking
39:05tortilla
39:10so
39:11we need
39:12to
39:12we need
39:13to be
39:13more
39:13we need
39:14to be
39:15more
39:15cool
39:15you know
39:17I've only
39:18been
39:18married
39:19once
39:21and
39:22somebody
39:23asked me
39:25did I ever
39:26think I would
39:26be married
39:26again
39:27and I
39:28said
39:28I would
39:29rather
39:29fucking
39:30burn up
39:33with all
39:34my friends
39:34watching
39:37and then
39:37the person
39:38said
39:38you could
39:38have
39:38just
39:39fuck
39:39and said
39:39no
39:43all right
39:43no
39:46because
39:47you know
39:47when you're
39:47married
39:48it's tough
39:48to be
39:49married
39:49you know
39:49and then
39:49the longer
39:50you're
39:50married
39:50you know
39:51you still
39:52have to
39:52make
39:52love
39:52it's
39:52an obligation
39:53you know
39:55I mean
39:56you're
39:57married
39:58but you
39:58know
39:58guys
39:59you know
40:00and they
40:01tell you
40:01a week
40:01ahead
40:01next
40:02Wednesday
40:02fuck
40:05so one
40:05time
40:05I took
40:06a Viagra
40:10to get
40:10ready
40:11and then
40:11we got
40:12in a
40:12fight
40:15and there
40:16I was
40:16fighting
40:19well
40:19fucking
40:20take off
40:20that
40:24call the
40:25fucking
40:25police
40:25I don't
40:25care
40:26I'm
40:26right
40:26here
40:28I said
40:28I'm
40:28not talking
40:29to you
40:29anymore
40:29I sat
40:30down
40:30my
40:30dick
40:31I
40:35sat
40:36down
40:36my
40:36dick
40:36was
40:36coming
40:37out
40:37the
40:37back
40:43so be
40:44careful
40:44because you
40:44know they
40:45even do
40:45things like
40:45in marriage
40:46counseling
40:47they tell
40:47you
40:48you know
40:49go back
40:50to the
40:50beginning
40:50you know
40:51like where
40:52you guys
40:52met
40:52like take
40:53two cars
40:55and then
40:55go back
40:56to where
40:56you met
40:57and then
40:57go into
40:58the bar
40:59and then
41:00be like
41:00you don't
41:00know each
41:01other
41:02then walk
41:02over and
41:03just say
41:03like hey
41:04you know
41:04can I buy
41:05you a drink
41:06and then
41:06you just
41:07start talking
41:07what's your
41:08name
41:09you know
41:09where are you
41:10from
41:10like you
41:10try to
41:11rekindle
41:12the romance
41:14fuck
41:14I didn't
41:15show up
41:17fuck
41:18that
41:21I said
41:22I fucked
41:22it up
41:22once
41:23I'm not
41:23gonna
41:23fuck
41:23it up
41:23twice
41:26bullshit
41:28in my
41:28life
41:28all the
41:30people that
41:30have influence
41:31on me
41:31have all
41:32been
41:33Latinas
41:33I don't
41:34think
41:35that we
41:36give enough
41:36credit to
41:37the women
41:38in our
41:38families
41:38for what
41:39they do
41:39when the
41:39men aren't
41:40around
41:46but if
41:46you marry
41:47a Latina
41:49you won't
41:50get the
41:50life
41:50you want
41:54you'll
41:55get the
41:55life
41:55you deserve
42:05they got
42:06you
42:06don't worry
42:06about it
42:07at my
42:08age
42:08any woman
42:09is gonna
42:09fucking
42:09raise
42:10her voice
42:10to me
42:10she's gonna
42:11be a
42:11fucking
42:11nurse
42:12or a
42:12doctor
42:14breathe
42:17I mean
42:18think about
42:18it
42:18the richest
42:19man in
42:20the world
42:21Jeff
42:21Bezos
42:23owns
42:24Amazon
42:25is
42:26engaged
42:27to a
42:28Latina
42:31with
42:32with kids
42:33from
42:34two
42:35three
42:36other
42:36guys
42:43he
42:44owns
42:44Amazon
42:46you can
42:47find
42:48anything
42:49on
42:49Amazon
42:55you can't
42:56you can't
42:56you can't find
42:56a Latina
42:57with no
42:57kids
42:57you can't find a Latina with no kids
43:02you can't find a Latina with no kids
43:02I'm just saying
43:04he owns Amazon
43:05but it's way fair
43:08he's shopping at Wayfair
43:09Wayfair
43:12picked a woman with kids already
43:15that's
43:16that's impressive
43:17that's the power
43:19of the
43:20the pussy's pussy
43:21but
43:23Panocha
43:25is on another level
43:28this motherfucker makes
43:29rockets
43:30and he'd rather be with a Latina
43:32than be in outer space
43:33a Latina
43:36if you hear him
43:37don't be careful
43:38get in on the yacht
43:39the richest man in the world
43:43with a Latina
43:43and you see her
43:45fucking walking in front
43:46he's walking in the back
43:49if you're a stepfather
43:52God bless you
43:54it's the hardest thing to be
43:55is a stepfather
43:58they fucking got you too
43:59huh
44:03it's a
44:04it's a
44:04it's a crazy thing
44:06to be able to
44:07take over the obligations
44:09that
44:09the father had
44:10but you
44:11but you take on the obligation
44:13of those children
44:13and raise those children
44:15as yours
44:16that's beautiful
44:16that's beautiful
44:19everybody's like
44:23there's a special place
44:24in heaven
44:26for you
44:28in the fucking
44:29pendejo section over there
44:35go stand over there
44:36next to Ben Affleck
44:41fucking
44:41pinchy Ben Affleck
44:42you seen him
44:45fucking yelling at the sky
44:46rah
44:48fucking slamming
44:50the fucking door
44:52one day
44:53he has the fucking ring on
44:54one day he doesn't
44:56that's the price
44:57you want some fucking nalgas
44:58that's the price
45:00you want a girl
45:00with a big culo
45:01that's it
45:03huh
45:03you're fucking
45:04she's already taking selfies
45:05for the next guy
45:05next
45:08fuck you
45:08I'm not going over there
45:09mejor no
45:09I'll stay right here
45:11that's the power
45:12of the panocha
45:17you know what
45:18I just remembered
45:21this special's
45:22for Amazon
45:32who wants to talk
45:34to me
45:36Bezos
45:37fiance
45:39senora
45:40I'm sorry
45:44but I miss my grandmother
45:45you know
45:45my grandmother
45:46my grandmother had
45:48and a lot of Latinos have it
45:49she had
45:50dementia
45:53at least I thought
45:54we never took her to the doctor
45:55I think
46:00one time I went to the house
46:02and I said
46:03grandma it's me
46:04and she's like
46:04who's me
46:05I said
46:07it's me
46:09Georgie
46:10I don't know
46:11I Georgie
46:12it's me
46:13then you start to go
46:14your nickname is
46:14Cag贸n
46:18fucking meows
46:21she goes
46:21I don't know
46:21fucking me贸n
46:24and I was like
46:25fuck
46:25my grandmother
46:26fucking doesn't remember me
46:28and then we both
46:29looked at her
46:29and she goes
46:29no take the ass
46:30I don't get it
46:32I got you
46:32huh fucker
46:34you're not even crying
46:35when I die for real
46:36you better be fucking
46:37crying
46:37get in here
46:40you know
46:41I make my grandmother
46:42out to be mean
46:43you know
46:43because
46:44she never told me
46:45she loved me
46:45but you know
46:46she never
46:47fucking said hello either
46:48I don't know
46:51so I appreciate you guys
46:52coming to
46:53watch me do this thing
47:00no no this is
47:01you know
47:02I've been doing stand-up
47:03a long time
47:03I've been doing stand-up
47:04since
47:071979
47:12it's a long time
47:14and in that time
47:15you know
47:15I've done some
47:16I've been fortunate enough
47:17to be able to have
47:18some really nice things
47:19happen you know
47:19I got my star
47:21in the Walk of Fame
47:27I got a wax figure
47:29at the
47:29Madame Tussauds
47:34that wax figure
47:35is 50 years old
47:38and I'm 63
47:41I went in there
47:42and took a picture
47:43it looks like a dude
47:44that's trying to
47:44lead a little boy
47:45away from the market
47:50they even told
47:51the wax figure
47:51you alright
47:52motherfucker
47:54had my own show
47:55in 2002
47:56first time
47:57a Latino show
47:59syndicated
48:00George Lopez
48:05I have another show
48:06right now
48:07Lopez vs. Lopez
48:08and that one
48:09I get to do
48:09with my daughter
48:10Mayan
48:10so it's really
48:11the best thing
48:11let's say
48:16this is
48:17the last special
48:18I'm going to do
48:18so thank you guys
48:19for coming to see me
48:20and
48:37when you get older
48:39they ask you
48:39how you want
48:39to be remembered
48:40and I told them
48:41like this
48:50thank you guys
48:50very much
48:51I love you
48:51thank you for coming
48:54to the show
48:54everybody
48:55Viva la raza
49:09and I'll see you next time
49:46Bye-bye.
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